Original subtitles

Ancient Roman orgy of feasting and pleasure.

Of course, it's a little late to be invited to one of them.

Oh, there are ways a girl can get to eat well and have a little fun.

I'm all ears, lady.

She can marry a millionaire.

We're in the hands of the receivers, and she's shopping.

That's just why I bought this.

It's a morale builder.

Here, give me one of those bills.

Nate's delicatessen, $52.40. Looks pretty awful, doesn't it?

There.

Doesn't it look a lot better now?

She marked it paid.

All right.

So you built our morale. We're happy. We think it's paid.

But what about Nate? Who let him buy his own stamp?

How much did this happy gimmick set you back? What difference? I charged it.

I'll get it.

It might be a man.

It isn't a man, Loco. It's your press agent.

Hiya, fellas.

If I were a man, I'd resent that. Down on your knees.

Down on your knees in gratitude to your press agent that... Sign right there.

What are you reading that stuff for? You're not a lawyer.

Just look at the numbers at the top.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Well, I just... Go, girl.

Go, go, go. Oh, what a break.

Loco Jones, I hereby dub ye...

Queen of the Madison Square Garden Rodeo.

Oh, Jack, you're doing it!

Now, wait a minute. We got a lot of work to do.

I'll see you Saturday at the garden when I will

introduce you personally to your horse.

Did you say horse?

Yeah. He ride it around the arena. It's part of the deal. Look here.

It says...

Party of the second part.

The party's over.

Horses terrify her. She won't even eat animal

crackers if there's a horse in the box.

I'm not afraid to eat tigers.

Honey, you don't have to eat this horse. All you gotta do is sit on it.

It's a nice, tired old rheumatic mag.

For $500, I'd write a broom.

Well, I'm sorry, but I... All right, all right, all right.

Obviously, nobody here needs 500 bucks.

Oh, Loco, please. Just this once. Oh.

All right.

Ah, atta girl. Listen, I'll have you ride in that mag before you can say,

Sessu Hayakawa. Mighty pretty, partner.

Loco, if all cowgirls looked like you,

there wouldn't be any cowboys to round up them

there doggies and cayuses. What's a doggie?

Well, I'll tell you what's a doggie if you'll tell me what's a cayuse.

I wish I could sit on that fence instead of a horse.

Howdy.

Howdy.

Howdy.

Howdy.

My name's Kirby.

The boys just called me Idaho.

My favorite name. But I'm afraid you're in the wrong corral. Oh, no, ma'am.

I just dropped by to...

Well, you might say I just dropped by to be neighborly.

Oh, are you the man who just moved in next door?

No, no, I'm your neighbor from down a piece. About two miles.

Two miles?

Look, cowboy, in New York, there are about half a million people between us.

They're gonna feel mighty hurt that you snubbed them.

I see what you mean, but, well, where I come from,

the nearest neighbor is ten miles away, so that makes us right close.

Well, thanks.

Enjoyed the visit.

But I ain't said what I come for yet.

A cup of flour?

A recipe for peanut brittle.

I've come to say something to Miss Loco.

Me?

I know this is going to sound silly, but, well, I'm with the rodeo,

and I've seen your picture on the poster, and this is going to sound even sillier,

but I fell in love with it.

Well, it's very sweet of you to come all that way over here to tell me that.

Right neighborly. Right. And if you'll send us a self-addressed envelope,

we'll mail you an autographed poster of local for your very own. Bye.

Isn't that sweet?

A cowboy's in love with me.

What does he look like? I like a cowboy in love.

It isn't such a compliment, honey.

All he ever sees are cayuses and doggies.

What are doggies?

Oh, no, we're not going into that again.

Who would believe it?

Here we are right smack in the middle of New York

in a penthouse 21 stories above the ground.

We open the door and find a cowboy.

Knock for me, will you, cowboy?

Oh, sure. Can't wait to see Miss Loco again. Is she a friend of yours?

No.

I'm in love with her.

Huh?

Now, look, cowboy.

Let me in, Mike, will you, please?

Sure, Jack.

Please, why don't you go back to Idaho?

Ma'am, I'm from Texas.

All right, Texas.

Texas? Look, I know I'm going to hate myself for asking,

but why don't the boys call you Tex?

Oh, that's what they call my brother. So they

decided to call me Idaho. Just kidding, right?

Oh.

Well, give my regards to your brother.

That about does it. Thanks very much.

What's this all about?

Well, this morning I'm working out in the gym,

developing this physique you're looking at. Suddenly,

I look over in the corner and it comes to me in a flash.

I repeat, what's this all about?

This is Loco's training horse. It's electric. Here, plug it in.

Now, let's get going. The first thing you've got to learn is mounting.

This is very important because everybody knows

that a rodeo queen has to be graceful.

Must always look graceful.

Must look like you know what a horse is all about.

She must put her foot in the stirrup and just... I don't know.

Well, don't worry about it. Just watch me. Now, back up and watch me.

Watch how gracefully I swing into the side.

Nice going, cowboy. It wouldn't have been so bad if he'd been sharp.

I'm just used to taller horses. Come here. Your horse will have a longer neck,

so when you sail over, you'll grab it. Now, come on, let's try it.

Well, maybe we better call it off.

All right, all right. Look, I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll try it Eastern style.

Come on, up you go, up.

It's a cinch.

All right, honey, you ready? All right, kid, we're off and running.

Hey, hey, take it easy.

Ride him, local, ride him.

Shh, shh, shut him off. Stay with him, honey, stay with him.

Hey!

Nobody ever believed that you were afraid of horses.

Thanks.

Oh, it's no use. She'll never make it by Saturday.

Farewell, 500.

Oh, not so fast. Not so fast!

I'm going to get somebody to teach her.

Well, there's a riding stable on 54th Street.

That's great. That's great, 54th Street. Oh, and make wonderful headlines.

Rodeo Queen takes horseback riding lessons.

Why couldn't you be afraid of kangaroos?

I am.

Idaho.

Oh, no, it's too far.

Much too far. Oh, Idaho is a rodeo cowboy. He's in love with local.

He'll keep his mouth shut.

Mike, you're a genius. You're a genius. Even my aching back forgives you.

I'll find him. He may still be out there.

Most of those rodeo boys live in rooming houses near Madison Square Garden.

I'll try Mother Johnson's.

That's a real popular fleabag.

No one by that name, huh?

Goodbye.

I've been to every rooming house in the book.

Maybe he can't afford a rooming house.

But he said he lives two miles from here.

Come on. Where are we going? Central Park. That's two miles from here.

We're even checking benches.

Well, well, well?

We covered every bench in the park. Nothing but nurses and baby carriages.

He's not a Madison Square Garden, either.

I left word.

That's probably the bellboy. I got him checking stables.

Well, I got your message at the garden. You wanted to see me? Oh,

how we wanted to see you.

Ma'am, from now on, I may just shave around that spot.

Isn't he sweet?

Easy, local. He may not look so good in a beard.

Well, why don't you relax a minute? You must be tired, huh?

Put your feet right up here. Much obliged.

That's all right.

Look, partner, how would you like to make a

little extra money? Say, 50 cents an hour?

I'm not particularly interested in money.

Well, okay, we're not hard to deal with. You can do it for nothing.

Sure, what's money? Money is dross.

What's dross?

You know they were meant for each other?

You teach this little lady to stay on the horse, and I'll get you in a western.

How'd you like to be on television? Well, I like television.

It's a deal. That's why I bought me one of them television stations.

Well, you see, I play a little guitar, and my aunt in Oklahoma,

she's got the rheumatism, and she can't come to Texas, so...

So you bought the station so your aunt could hear you play the...

Some Texans like television stations. Others like oil.

I hate oil. My gushes is crowding off all the cattle.

You know, Loco, your hair is like the Texas sun. Gold-like.

I, uh, I guess we've been wasting your time.

Forget about the riding.

Oh, we will not. You want to ride a horse? Well, that's going to be my pleasure.

Come on, honey, I'm going to put you on a big, tall horse.

Oh, good.

And while you're picking me up off the ground, you can tell me all about Texas.

Did you hear what he said to her? He called her honey.

Yahoo!

Huh? Yahoo!

Everybody, how'd you do today? Oh, the horse is beginning to like me.

He only threw me twice. Oh, I'm starved.

Well, let's eat.

Idaho's sister flew in. Spring, you're over.

She's here to case you, the first step to the altar.

Oh, what'll I do?

Well, just act natural, honey.

Gosh, I'll be lonesome way out there in Texas.

Well, we'll come to visit you for two or three years.

Married to a Texas millionaire.

Breakfast in bed, the three of us.

Wouldn't I have breakfast in Idaho's bed?

A real Texas breakfast.

Thick fillets rare, scrambled eggs easy.

Chuckwagon lunch by the swimming pool while we watch the gushers gush.

And in the afternoon, we'll climb into our whirlybird

and off to the shamrock for tea and tango.

Howdy, gals. I brought my sister over. Come on in, Kate.

Howdy.

Sis, this is Mike, and this is Greta, and this is... Don't tell me!

Welcome to Texas, honey!

I can't tell yet. I'm still numb. We were just having a little snack.

Would you care to join us?

No, thanks, honey. Ain't she nice, sis?

What there is of her.

Don't you worry, honey. In a couple of months at the ranch,

she'll put some real muscle on you.

Muscle?

Oh, locals talked about nothing but the ranch. Well, no more talking.

From now on, you're gonna be part of it.

I can see Kate really likes you.

If she liked her anymore, she'd have to go on her honeymoon without her sacroiliac.

Come over here, honey child.

Boy, are you going to love Texas. It is positively beautiful.

There's nothing like it. Up at 5, after the corral, and off to the range.

Sir, is that 5 a.m.

or p.m.? Oh, Loco's been up at 5 many a morning.

Well, that's when I get in from the Copacabana.

You may be a little sleepy at first,

but wait till that tough Texas wind bites through you. That'll snap you awake.

And roundup time. Good old roundup time.

You take that hot Brandon iron, and you stamp our brand on a new cap.

There's nothing like the cinch of burning hide in the clear, cool morning air.

You don't mind Brandon, do you?

Me?

Well, my skin is a little sensitive.

Knuckle has a real feeling for Brandon.

Yes, she once sat on a hot iron.

When do we tango at the Shamrock?

Shamrock?

Why, girlie, we're a thousand miles from the Shamrock.

But don't let that throw you. You'll have plenty to do.

There's milk in the cows, pitch in the alfalfa, paint in the corrals,

and nothing beats a thrill of busting your own bronco.

Aye, but push the bronco. It's like falling off a log, only higher.

I'll teach you everything, because the three of us are going to be real pals.

That's right. Kate's going to live with us, because she manages the spread.

She sure does. Don't you worry.

I ain't the kind who's going to try to run your life for you.

After you hitch to Idaho, it's your spread.

You're going to be the boss lady, honey,

because you know sis ain't the interfering kind.

Right. I don't believe in interference.

Now, about the wedding. I've taken care of everything.

You're going to be married and stop. Western style.

Yippee.

Well, I can just hear the wedding march being

played on a guitar. Idaho, you're very nice.

But I'm not sure I want muscles and branding and bucking

broncos and getting up at five in the morning.

That's only all weekdays.

Sundays, we don't get up till six.

Ah, that's what I'm looking forward to most.

You cooking me those big Sunday breakfast barbecues.

Well...

Yes, sirree. We don't want no trouble with anybody

who don't know her way around the kitchen.

Well, kitchen is our little local's middle name.

As a matter of fact, she was going to barbecue

for you tomorrow. Weren't you, sweetie? I was?

She wanted to surprise you, and big blabbermouth me had to go and spoil everything.

Even I'm surprised.

That's right nice of you, honey.

Kate and I are much obliged to accept your invitation. What time do you want us?

Oh, about 6 o'clock.

Okay.

Come on, Idaho.

See you for breakfast. I'll see you at 6 p.m. for dinner.

Oh, dinner.

Well, see you then. Oh, Mike.

What are you trying to do to me? You know I don't know anything about barbecues.

Sweetie, you sound like you want to go through with marrying this plow jockey.

By the nerve of that guy, expecting you to get up at five and fix his breakfast.

With all his money, he could buy the diner's club.

But I promised, and it isn't nice to hurt people's feelings.

Especially a nice guy like Idaho.

Well, don't you worry about hurting his feelings.

After he takes one bite of your cooking, he'll never want to marry you,

and then your conscience will be absolutely clear.

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

Well, this will taste like one.

You gals sure are a circus.

There you are, all ready to serve.

To look at them, you could never tell the difference. But to taste them, you could.

Now, tell me again. Which is the stuff I cooked,

and which is the stuff we got from Smokey Joe's? All right, Lucretia Borgia.

The two on the left are for Idaho and Kate.

The others are for us. What's taking you so long, honey?

Now, no Fair Peak in Idaho. Besides, the kitchen is no man's land.

Loco will be with you in a minute.

The two on your left.

The two on my left.

I'll get the others.

Man, that barbecue sauce smells delicious.

Sure does, but you don't eat with your nose. The proof is in the tasting.

Well, I hope you're hungry, Idaho.

Hungry? The way that boy eats, you'd think food was going to be abolished.

Now, if you weren't from Texas, I'd say you were exaggerating.

You didn't have to wait for us.

Good things are always worth waiting for, ma'am.

And this is just about the goodest.

Boy, that's the best barbecue I ever sunk my teeth into.

It is? But it couldn't be.

I mean... Oh, you're just being modest.

What's the matter, girls?

I really put too much pepper on mine.

Yes, too much pepper. Me too.

Oh, well, shucks then. Trade with Kate and me.

You're a real gentleman. Man, this is even better.

Idaho, it looks like you got yourself a mighty fine wife.

I got bad news for you, kid.

You've been peeking.

I heard about Loco and that Bronco buster. She

can't marry him. Not for a while, anyway.

She can't?

That's wonderful.

Huh?

Come in and tell us all about it.

Jack has wonderful, I mean, terrible news.

The marriage is off for a while.

Well, when I got you signed as queen of the rodeo,

I promised that you wouldn't get married for a year.

If I go back on my word now, I'm dead as an agent.

Jack, this is terrible.

Loco's heartbroken.

Aren't you, dear? Oh, sure. Gosh, I can't wait a year.

I gotta be married by next Sunday.

What's so special about next Sunday?

Well, if I'm not married by my 30th birthday, I don't get my inheritance.

And Sunday is his 30th birthday.

Well, it was only a verbal promise.

Maybe if I... Oh, no.

Your word is a bond, and a bond is a contract. And a contract is a contract.

You can get in trouble if you go back on your word, and so could Loco.

Gosh, I don't want to make trouble for Loco.

You're a square shooter.

Real square.

And we'll miss you. Now, don't you worry yourself none about Idaho.

There's a gal back home that's always been hankering for him.

Guess he'll have to give in.

Yeah, Matilda don't hold a candle to you as a cook, Loco,

but I guess she'll soon be Mrs. Kirby.

Well, good luck. Yes, lots of luck.

Come on. Have a good ride, boy. Enjoy yourself.

Poor Matilda.

Oh, I don't know.

She'll probably enjoy being Mrs. Kirby.

Sure, but if her cooking can't hold a candle to

Locos, she'll soon be Widow Kirby. Bye, kids.

Hi.

Anyone interested in the evening mail? No, thanks.

I know what you mean. Bills, bills, bills.

Hey, here's a letter from Texas.

It's addressed to all three of us.

It's from Idaho.

Dear girls, thank you for your nice telegrams.

Sorry you couldn't attend the wedding.

Matilda looked beautiful. Regards, Idaho.

P.S.

Seems Matilda don't like ranch life as much as

she thought she would before we were married, and... You read it.

And we're coming to New York to live, so you better finish.

So if you can find us a nice big penthouse and a couple of servants,

Matilda sure would appreciate it. Oh, isn't that nice?

They're going to live in a penthouse.

How about you fixing us some dinner?

But you said my cooking was absolutely poisonous.

We know.