Original subtitles

Tony Island, fabulous capital of the world of fun and frolic,

with its merry merry-go-round where some lucky person

will grab the brass ring and get a free ride.

For a real free ride, you better make that a gold ring.

Gold ring?

Better known as a wedding ring.

You know, in a way, I'm looking forward to my cousin Bob's visit.

Since he went with the State Department, I don't get to see him very often.

What a character.

He wouldn't give you the right time unless he cleared it with the FBI.

When is he coming?

Well, he said he'd be here at 3.

What time is it?

If that's Cousin Bob, the correct time is 3 o'clock exactly. Uh-huh.

Hello, Greta.

Hi, girls.

Hi, Bob.

Did you say 3 o'clock?

Oh, 5 after.

Sorry, we had rather a rough trip.

Oh, did you fly?

I'm afraid I can't say.

Oh.

Well, we're glad to see you anyway.

What brought you into town?

Oh, the department sent me here on a certain mission.

To see a certain party.

About a certain high-up matter.

Confidential.

Well, certainly I mind. I just love secrets. Sit down, loco. Come on, Bob.

What's it all about?

Well, uh, can you keep a secret?

I don't know. I never tried.

I'll tell you the truth.

But it mustn't leave these four walls.

It's Prince Khadib.

You mean that Middle East... Shh!

Pickwick?

What about him?

Well, he arrived in New York today, and I've asked His Highness to meet me here.

Here?

Are you kidding?

Well, I thought after that long trip,

he probably would want to dodge the reporters for a while.

Oh, this should put me in solid with him.

Yes, it ought to at least earn you another stripe in your gray flannel trousers.

Gee, Bob, I wish you'd said something about it.

We hardly have a thing to eat in the house.

Oh, we'll manage.

Prince Khadim.

They say he's the second richest man in the

Middle East. Yeah, the first is his father.

I bet he rides around on a different elephant every day of the week.

And a little sports elephant on Sunday.

Oh, it must be awful to be a celebrity,

and to be mobbed by reporters every time you walk down the street.

It's him.

Oh, I can't meet him in this.

I'll just be a minute. Give a look.

Oh, I'll get it.

Protocol, you know. Welcome, Prince Caudine.

Nice to see you again, Mr. Ostendheim.

Oh, hello there, moolish.

Prince, I'd like you to meet some friends of mine.

Your Highness, may I present Miss Jones.

Charmed, Your Majesty.

And this is Miss McCall.

How do you do?

A most unexpected pleasure.

And in such charming surroundings.

Uh, where are the reporters?

Reporters?

Well, you see, I... That is, I thought you didn't

care to see the reporters, Your Highness.

That's why I asked you to meet me up here.

I see.

Hold on.

Shara Karim Fortana Karish, Stanton.

Oh, I'll try to make it up to you, your highness.

Mm, well, you already have by introducing me such lovely ladies.

Oh, thank you, your majesty.

Would you care for some taffy, your majesty?

Delighted.

Oh, pundar is the royal family's official taster.

This has been part of our culture for thousands of years.

I never eat anything unless pundar tastes first.

Isn't that a little unsanitary?

Marlene!

Maureen, what does that mean?

Toothache.

What did you say?

I guess the closest American translation would be,

that's the way the cookie crumbles.

I find American language very picturesque.

In fact, I like everything American.

Especially that.

Oh.

Your Highness, this is my cousin, Greta Hansen.

How do you do?

If I may be so forward, I would like to say that you

are one of the prettiest girls I have ever seen.

Well, thank you, Your Highness.

We'd like to offer you some refreshments, but, well, this is all rather unexpected,

and we didn't have time... Do not worry about food.

Man does not live by bread alone.

Good. We don't have any of that either.

We shall have a feast at the consulate.

All of us.

Well, that's very kind, but I don't wish to impose upon your highness. Splendid.

That leaves the girls and me.

Oh, maybe I'd better attend too.

Then it is settled.

At the consulate, tonight at eight.

We're moving in diplomatic circles.

The consulate at eight.

Dinner with a real prince.

I haven't been so thrilled since the coronation. On TV.

Loco had a special invitation to tune in.

Oh, what'll we wear?

When being feted by royalty, formal dress is mandatory.

And while we're about it, now would be a good time for me to brief you on protocol.

Protocol? What's that?

Well, it's the customs and regulations dealing with the ceremonies and

etiquette of the diplomatic corps and others at a court or capital.

For example, what to do and not to do while dining,

what to say and what not to say, and so on.

You mean all the things you have to do to keep from enjoying yourself.

Here is your itinerary.

At 8 sharp, your taxi will deposit you at the

steps of the consulate. Now, remember this.

The moment you pass through those doors, you'll be on foreign soil in Jampol.

Doesn't seem possible.

Only a cab ride from here to Jampol.

Sure, sweetie, that's why they call it the Near East.

Now, bear in mind that any breach of decorum could

very well result in international repercussions.

So, when in Rome, do as the Romans do.

You know, all my life I've been trying to find out exactly what the Romans do.

Well, for one thing, they don't make bad jokes.

Now to get to the point. Of course, you'll curtsy the moment you see His Highness.

And incidentally, he must always be addressed thusly.

Well, and this is very important.

It is an unpardonable sin ever, ever to turn your back on royalty.

Well, doesn't that make it a little awkward when we have to leave?

You simply back away like this, you see?

Oh, but without my glasses, I have enough trouble seeing when I'm walking forward.

Honey, just put your glasses on the back of your head. Bob,

is all this really necessary?

All you have to do is remember one very simple rule.

Just do whatever Prince Claudine does, but don't do it until after he does.

When he rises...

You rise.

When he sits, you sit.

When he eats, you eat.

And that's protocol.

Precisely.

When I was a kid, we called it follow the leader. Welcome. Come in, come in.

I can't. He's supposed to curtsy first. Our native

drink, one part goat's milk, 99 parts alcohol.

I pass.

Me too.

I always get heartburn from goat's milk. You really don't drink, Your Highness.

In that case, shall we dine?

Miss Jones, do you always walk like that?

Oh, no. Only when I'm walking backwards.

I am so happy you share my food so that I may enjoy your most charming company.

Thank you, your highness.

Now, let us eat.

I hope you will like the dinner.

Oh, I'm sure we will, Your Highness.

I would like you to share many meals with me.

Your Highness is very kind.

It is very rare to meet someone with whom one can feel so relaxed.

It whets the appetite.

I'm working up an appetite just lifting my fork. It's getting pretty silly.

Silly? I don't think I understand.

You know, that protocol about not eating until you do.

Oh, that.

That custom went out years ago.

What nincompoop told you such nonsense?

He did.

Book all fools, Sire.

Then you'd better get a new one, king size.

I got here as fast as I could, Your Highness. What did you want to see me about?

Relax, my friend.

I merely wanted to give you this.

I have changed my mind about you.

Why, it's the most beautiful dagger I've ever seen.

Not at all lovely enough to convey my gratitude for

your having introduced me to your cousin Greta.

She has made these last two weeks the happiest of my life.

Well, that's what cousins are for, Your Highness.

She will make a wonderful wife.

And indeed, Ponder is at this moment proposing marriage to her.

And I hope she will answer yes.

Pundar?

And Greta?

Of course not she and Pundar.

You do not expect me to propose, do you? Oh, no.

Not unless you want to get married.

I am a prince, and a prince must not be in a position to be rejected.

That's why, even now, Pandar, in my behalf, is offering Greta the Ring of Gobi,

which is the marriage token of our royal family.

You?

Anne and Greta?

Welcome to the family, Cousin Claudine.

I don't care what you say.

It's just the prettiest ring I've ever seen. If you wear this ring on finger,

much happy make my prince.

It much happy make me, too.

I go now. I got to tell my prince how you say, mission

accomplished. Oh, well, thanks again, Pundar.

Moolish.

I mean, goodbye.

Three o'clock in front of the Brookman building with

my blue bathing suit. Yes, sir, I'll be there. Bye.

Newsflash. Prince Kodim of Jampol has selected for his bride Miss Greta Hansen,

hostess on the Go for Broke show.

Congratulations to you, Prince, and to you, Princess Greta.

And in the Middle West, it was announced today... Oh, local.

What'd he say?

Well, aren't you the sly one?

When are you going to invite us to your new home for a tiger shoot?

I can just see the three of you tete-a-tete in the palace. You, Khadim, and Pundar.

Oh, my gosh, Pundar.

I bet that was what he was trying to tell me when he gave me the ring.

I better stop this thing before it gets out of hand. What are you talking about?

He proposed, you accepted. And most important of all, he's a millionaire.

But I didn't know he was proposing. And I didn't know I was accepting.

Boy, I should be that dumb.

This is all so sudden.

A girl just has to have time to think about such things. Greta,

that's all you've been thinking about for years. Why the sudden change?

Well, Jam Pole is way over there, and I'm way over here.

And it didn't mean being separated from my family and friends.

Well, we'll come and visit you. We'll be your ladies-in-waiting.

If he were waiting for me, I'd be ready.

I don't know.

Getting used to a strange country, new customs.

I've just got to have more time to think about it. Well, don't think too long,

honey, or you're liable to think your way right back to the isolation booth.

Hello?

I'd like to speak to Prince Cardine, please.

What?

Well, it's very important.

Oh, I see. Well, what is it, honey? What's wrong? He can't be disturbed.

They're preparing him for his wedding.

I guess it's really happening.

What can I get you for a wedding present?

What would you like more than anything else in the world?

An aspirin.

I'll get it.

Oh, congratulations, dear cousin. Oh, this will surely mean a promotion for me.

Before you spend that extra money on a new portfolio, hear this.

The bride-to-be is asking for a stay of execution.

Oh, why?

What?

What might mean, in her subtle way, is that I want time to think about it.

Oh, well, you just can't do this at a time when

relations are ticklish all over the world,

and this country has no desire to insult Jean-Paul.

Oh, what now?

Maybe some spies were listening, and Jampol has already declared war.

You were very funny.

Thank you. Oh, look at all the telegrams for Greta.

Well, I told you, this is a very important occasion.

It's from the French government.

Viva la Prince.

Viva la Princess.

Viva la France.

Here's one from England.

Good show.

This will get me an ambassadorship.

Listen to this.

It's from your native country, Jampol. Isn't this sweet?

May your life be 110, and may each year bring you a mazlik.

110 Moslechs?

Well, if Moslech means what I think it does,

I'd like to have the diaper concession in Jampol.

Hello?

Yes, this is Greta Hansen.

From where?

For me, from there?

Who?

What is it, Greta?

It's the White House.

Yes, this is she. Her. I. Me.

I merely wanted to wish you every personal happiness,

and I hope the first Moslech is a boy.

Thank you, sir.

That's very nice, sir.

Yes, sir.

Goodbye. What did he say?

Sir?

Greta, what did he say? I've unplugged the clogged-up oil lines of the world.

Well, Cousin Greta, you finally made it.

Yes, sirree, you're a VIP now.

Now, just a minute.

I haven't said I'd marry him yet.

Oh, now, honey, you know we won't let you rattle

around that big palace all by yourself.

We'll come over every summer on the boat.

Well, it's silly to spend money on a boat when the

prince can send his private plane to call for you.

Now, just one minute.

I don't want any favors from anybody. I'll send my own plane to call for my friend.

What am I saying?

You know what you're saying, and you're right. That's why we took this penthouse,

so we could marry millionaires.

If I wanted to marry a Jampolian millionaire,

I would have rented a penthouse in Jampol. Oh, I don't know.

Why marry a domestic millionaire when you can get the imported kind?

Well, Cousin Greta, on behalf of the entire State Department,

I want to wish you every happiness in the world.

That's unofficial, of course.

Well, it looks like I can't get out of this.

Greta, who's the best friend you ever had?

Come on and tell me, who's your best friend?

Well, you are, Mike. You bet. Look at this.

Hey, Mike, you found it.

Wait a minute.

I didn't lose it.

No, but I did you a bigger favor.

Greta, I realized that we shouldn't have talked you into this marriage.

Never mind that. What are you doing with the Ring of Gobi? Well, what do you think?

I'm going to marry Prince Khadim.

What?

You?

Well, how come?

Honey, Pundar told me that the only way I could make

you really happy was if I would marry the prince.

But I just talked to him half an hour ago and everything was fine.

Well, I guess princes break engagements the way they make them.

Well, I suppose Pundar is on his way over.

Mike, how could you do this to me?

Do?

I figured you didn't want the prince.

He's such a cute guy, I thought it was a shame to let him go to waste.

Guess what, girls?

Guess what?

All right, what?

Look.

The ring of Gobi.

I wonder what's taking His Highness so long.

You know, I can't wait to tell him off.

Do we have to give all these lovely things back?

Yes, Loco.

Well, where's the ribbon for this one?

Just one minute.

Well, I'm just wrapping it. There he is.

Come in.

Well, hello.

This is most nice seeing all you girls together.

You came over without your second.

I was delighted when you called.

Was there anything special you wanted to see me about?

We all have presents for you.

You all got me presents?

Yes, and they're all exactly alike.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I can tell that you are all angry.

Why?

Why? Why?

What made you think you could propose to three girls? We have laws in this country.

Greta, I did this all for you.

For me?

You told me you felt strange about leaving

your friends and coming into a new country.

So I thought I would make you happy and marry them, too.

What?

It's all right.

In my country, man can have several wives.

Well, in this country, even one can be too many.

I can't see why you are so angry.

My other wives don't object.

My father had 28.

But I am more modern-minded.

I only have 10.

Goodie for you.

But Prince, you have your ways, we have ours.

We'll be seeing you, and don't call us, we'll call you.

Reversed charges.

Oh, well, that's the way the colleague poses.

Imagine him wanting 13 wives.

It's a good thing we found him out in time.

I'll say. 13 is a very unlucky number.

Now, as soon as I straighten Cousin Bob out, this whole episode will be over.

It'll be a little ticklish, but, well...

Don't bother phoning. He's here.

Greta, Greta, this is terrible. A national emergency.

I'm sorry, Bob. It was the only thing she could do. Let me get you a glass of water.

Never mind the water. Greta, Greta, you've got to listen to me.

Cardine's been deposed in a new government's inn. Why,

it'd be the worst possible diplomacy if you married him now.

Well, anything for the good old USA.