Original subtitles

This is a diamond mine.

Untold wealth buried in the earth.

Earth that has been fought for, bled for, died for.

There's a much easier way of getting yourself a little parcel of land like that.

There is?

But of course.

Well, come on, lady, off with it.

You can marry it.

Nail man, nail man.

Oh, I'm so excited it finally got here. Loco. Oh, thank you.

What finally got here? This month's copy of Fashion Preview. Well,

it gets here every month, Loco. Why break out over this issue?

Because this issue is going to be the beginning of great things for me.

Remember that big feature ad I posed for? Yeah.

Oh, no.

What's wrong? How do you like that?

I spent four hours under hot lights, 28 poses, and they only use one hand.

I guess since an engagement ring company was footing the bill,

they felt the rest of you might distract.

Well, since you put it that way, I suppose it's a compliment.

Only I just wish once they'd use all of me. You're right.

Loco, why don't you change modeling agencies?

Ever since Barry Travers took over from his father, that office has gone to pot.

Barry's a darling, sweet boy.

Besides, he has a million dollars.

He has.

Yeah, but what have you got to show for the last six months?

One hand and that nail polish ad. A glorious picture of your toenails.

Your hands and feet are doing fine, but the rest of you isn't earning a quarter.

My advice, Loco, find yourself a new agency.

Get some new pictures taken. Who knows, it just might change your luck.

You girls are right.

I'm going right over to Marachi's and have

some new pictures made. Now you're talking.

Now my feet and hands stay where they belong, in my shoes and gloves.

Hi, Miss Wilcox. Hi, Loco.

Do you think Mr. Maracci could take some pictures of me today?

I'm feeling especially photogenic.

Well, you're looking especially photogenic, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait.

He's in the midst of a fur layout.

Oh, well, I'll be right back. I have another appointment in the building,

and I better tell them I'll be late.

Hello.

I'm Laurel Manners. I wonder if I could see Mr. Maracci.

Did you say Laurel Manners? Yes.

Something wrong?

Well, I knew a Laurel Manners once, back in the 20s.

Looked enough like you to... It's positively eerie.

Not really so eerie. She's my mother. No.

Well, Laurel Manners, Jr., that's a bit more like it.

I hope you're as good a model as your mother was. Oh, I hope so, too.

She was Mr. Maracci's favorite. As a matter of fact,

I think we still have a picture of her in the files. Would you like to see it?

I'd love to.

Ah, here it is.

This was on the cover of Vanity Fair. Did you ever see it? No.

Mother lost all her pictures in a fire a few years ago.

Well, I'm afraid Mother's changed a bit since then.

Who hasn't?

Would you like to keep it?

Could I? Of course. Now, if you'll just take a seat, Mr.

Maracci shouldn't be too long.

Thank you so much.

Well, it looks like we're rival models, but I don't see why we can't be friendly.

I'm Loco Jones. I'm Laurel Manners.

Haven't I seen your picture recently?

Not unless you can tell a person's face by their hands and feet.

Well, at least you're working.

Gee, I wish I could say the same.

You shouldn't be having any trouble.

Unless your pictures aren't any good either. They're not.

That's why I want to try Mr. Marachi.

Gee, I've got to make a phone call.

I don't suppose they'd mind if I used their phone.

May I look at your picture? Sure, go ahead.

These are good.

Is Mr. Henderson there?

Yes, I'll wait.

Oh, now here's one I really like.

Isn't it funny how those old-fashioned styles have come back in again?

That was taken in 1927. I wasn't even born in 1927.

My mom and dad weren't even married in 1927.

1927? That was more than 30 years ago. Yes, 1927 is more than 30 years ago.

You're coming with me.

Where are we going? To Barry Travers, the head

of my model agency. Oh, no. He won't see me.

I can't even get past the front door. You will now.

We're going to run right over there.

What's the matter?

You'd better lean on me. Your legs probably aren't what they used to be.

I know it's hard to believe, Barry, but I tell you, she's at least 56.

Now, Loco, if this girl is 56, you're Grandma Moses.

Well, why don't you ask her? She's right outside. Well, I'll do better than that.

Would you get me Mr. Marachi, please?

Don't worry about it, loco.

There's a virus going around that makes people see things.

Hello, Marachi.

Did you ever photograph a girl named Laurel Manners?

Laurel Manners?

She was... We were...

But of course I photographed hundreds of times.

You did?

Your first model?

But you opened your studio in 1922. Bye, Marachi.

Would you send Miss Manners in, please?

I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so.

Mr. Travers, this is Laurel Manners.

Don't move.

Just let me look at you.

Can't get over it.

You are eight years older than my mother.

What? Now, now, honey, this is one time you don't have to lie about your age.

You are older than his mother.

Mine, too.

What'd I tell you? Look, just the same.

And this picture was taken more than 30 years ago. No way.

No, you just... Wait a minute.

Just sit down over here, please.

Young lady, I mean, Miss Manners, how would you like to find yourself rich, famous,

and on the cover of every magazine in the world?

Well, I'd love to, but... Now, when I unveil you to the press,

and I announce that you're 56 years old, you'll have a million dollars in contracts.

Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?

I can't remember at my age. Oh, look,

I want to get this promotion started right away. Now, give me all the dope.

What's the secret of your youth?

Well, lots of fresh air and exercise and...

A good, sensible diet.

You know, lots of raw vegetables and yogurt, wheat germ, extract of iodine.

Oh, the works. How old were you when you went on that diet? About your age.

My...

Goodbye, everybody. I've got some shopping to do.

Wheat jerky, extract of iodine, yogurt in the works.

Heavens, you're finally here.

I'm so starved I could eat those bags. Girls,

this has probably been the most important day of my life. Naturally.

It isn't every day we eat steaks. Steaks?

I hope you remembered to pick them up from the butcher. Butcher?

Don't ever mention his name again. He's the enemy of man. I mean, woman.

Sweet little Mr. Pomerance, who just had his

seventh granddaughter, the enemy of women?

Today I discovered the truth.

The secret of youth.

Sure, money.

No, Laurel Manners.

Who?

She's 56 and looks younger than any of us.

Well, with all our troubles, who doesn't?

Well...

Our troubles may soon be over. I took Laurel to Barry Travers,

and he got so excited that he's going to build a national campaign around her.

Well, that should pay next month's rent. You don't understand, Mike.

Barry has a million dollars, and he's better looking than Tyrone Power.

That's very nice, dear.

But it doesn't explain why Mr. Pomerantz is out to liquidate women.

He sells meat.

You should be shocked.

Laugh all you want to, but Laurel hasn't had a bite of meat in 35 years. Loco,

we're starved. What did you bring? Oh, you'll just love it.

Yogurt.

Wheat germ? Wheat germ?

Carrot juice and riboflavin. Ribo-what? Flavin.

Is that a food or a detergent? It's a food, silly.

Extract of iodine and alfalfa. That sounds great if you're a horse.

Extract of iodine?

Is that supposed to prolong life or end it? It'll keep you beautiful forever.

Let's face it, girls. We're all blondes, and blondes fade fast.

It's better to fade fast than die fast. Come on, Mike.

Where are you going?

We're going to pay a little visit to that vicious

killer of women, Mr. Pomerantz. Oh.

Honey, if you run out of iodine, there's lots more in the medicine.

Your blinders, dear.

Probably our charming neighbors beating each other up again.

At 8 o'clock in the morning?

Maybe they've changed their schedule.

That sounds more like they've changed their battleground.

That noise is coming from our living room.

Where did you get all this junk?

Oh, a man delivered it early this morning.

Don't worry.

Dollar down, dollar a week.

Dollar down part was easy, and I refuse to worry about the rest.

Loco, you're going to die young.

Oh, no.

I'm going to live forever.

Laurel exercises three hours every day, and you should see what she looks like.

Give me two minutes with Laurel, and I'll make her look her age.

You can have all evening.

I'm bringing her home for dinner tonight.

Dinner!

Yep.

Oh, here, pull this. Oh, now it's breakfast.

I fixed it for all of us.

Here, now drink up, girls. What is this, mud?

No, pure puree of prunes.

Pure puree of prunes.

Simply sip slowly.

Simply sips. I couldn't play such a nasty trick on

the stomach I've known and loved for so many years. Come on, Mike.

But you don't understand, girls. It's Dr. Svensson's vitamins.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G. I know.

Guaranteed to make your face wrinkle up like a prune.

Well, Laurel ought to be here any... What's in that?

Pure poison.

Spaghetti and meatballs. You can't do that! Why,

Laurel wouldn't be caught dead eating spaghetti and meatballs!

That isn't for Laurel. If you two want to graze on that alfalfa,

that's your business. But Greta and I are going to live a little,

even if we age overnight.

All right. But Laurel is only going to look at you with pity.

Speaking of pity, how could you do it, Loco? What?

Sticking your head in Mr. Pomerantz's shop and screaming, murderer? Come over, you.

We have nothing to discuss.

Boy, I can just picture this morning glory,

blossoming out every day with the aid of two tens of makeup and four girdles,

and falling apart every night.

Maybe I should get the makeup ready.

She's bound to need minor repairs this time of day.

Oh, there she is. Oh, I'm betting she'll need oxygen after that elevator ride.

Yes, I'm Laurel Manners.

You're Laurel Manners.

She's Laurel Manners.

The Laurel Manners? What's happening here? Well, I don't know.

They just keep repeating my name.

Come on in, Laurel.

Oh, you brought the dessert.

Spinach and celery pie? Oh, oh, these are my friends, Greta and Mike. Hi.

Hi.

Just between us, have you been packed in ice for 30 years?

Don't pay any attention to them.

They're meat eaters.

I told them, if they don't start eating health foods and exercising,

they're going to go just like that.

We may have already started. Those are bags under your eyes, Greta.

Well, those aren't exactly dimples under yours.

Well, I wasn't going to mention it, dear,

but this does look like the beginning of a bulge. Yeah?

All I've got to say is I'd rather have the bulge in the front than in the back.

No, really, girl.

No, they're both right. Oh, do you think it's too late for us, Laurel?

Have we reached the point of no return?

Don't be silly. Well, I didn't become diet-conscious until I was 22.

And there's hope for everybody. Greta, we're starting tonight.

Spaghetti and meatballs.

Loco. What's this poison doing on our table?

But I didn't put it there. Out with it.

We germ for everyone.

Wash down with the cool, refreshing extract of iodine. Three, four, one, two,

three, four. One, two, three, four. Oh, I'll get it.

Now, don't let up, girls.

Yeah, Father Time is breathing down our necks.

He's the only one who can still breathe. Why, Mr. Mirachi, what a surprise.

Won't you come in?

For a beautiful girl, always.

I juice dropped into...

Magnifico! They're just trying to get rid of their bulges.

Mr. Maracci, I'd like you to meet my roommate.

Greta, hello. And Mike.

How do you do?

I'm afraid you caught us with our biceps showing.

Please sit down. Thank you.

Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Actually, all we're trying to do is follow Laurel Manners' recipe for eternal youth.

Ah, Laurel Manners. My inspiration, my life.

You hear of Dante and Beatrice?

That was Laurel and me. You see these bloodshot eyes?

No sleep. For seven days no sleep,

because I miss her when she come to my office the other day.

You mean you and she were that way about each other? We invented that way.

Mr. Moracci, how would you like to see your Laurel again? Please, that's why I come.

Take me to her.

In a short while, you're going to see your Beatrice again.

Grazie, signorina.

Well, here we are, Mr. Maracci. Are you very excited?

Oh, look, my brain nerve is quivering. Oh, come on, knock.

Go ahead, go on, knock.

Good evening, signora. I wish to see Laurel Manners, please.

Julio!

You know my first name.

How do I... Julio, don't you recognize me?

Excuse me, but I've never seen you before in my life.

You still have that cute little mustache. Mr. Ticklesome.

I've never tickled you in all my life.

Come on, Julio. Don't you know your old cover girl? I'm Laurel. Laurel Manners.

She's Laurel Manners?

Well, if she is, I'm Marilyn Monroe.

Mama, what's going on?

Uh-oh.

Well, I guess the jig is up.

Fifty-six.

Girls, can't I even have one teensy bite of steak?

Not until you finish every last bit of those wood

shavings that were going to keep us young forever.

I don't know what you're so mad about.

Barry doesn't know that Laurel's really only 20, so what's so awful?

Tomorrow, Laurel meets the press as a monument to eternal youth.

The reporters find out the truth, and Barry strangles you.

And if he doesn't, I will.

Loco, if I were you, I'd come clean with Barry so he can call off the show.

Gee, and I was doing so well with him.

There goes a million dollars right out the window.

A million.

Such a nice, clean, round number.

Still, loyalty to Barry should make you confess immediately.

But loyalty to us calls for a bit of maneuvering.

My favorite pastime. Good.

Now, I've got a way to kill Laurel forever in

Barry's eyes and still keep you, Simon, pure.

What do I have to do?

Call Laurel and tell her she's going to do the show tomorrow.

Nince Denley, have her bring Mama along.

This is your dressing room, honey, right here. All your gowns are on the inside.

I don't want you to be nervous now.

Oh, she'll be fine. We're going to help make her up.

Besides, she's been doing this since before you were born.

I almost forgot about that.

Gee, I believe it's almost time to join my guests. Now,

I'll be back in an hour to escort you to the stage, okay? So long, girls.

Bye.

Okay, the coast is clear. Go get Greta and Mama.

Well, maybe we overdid the lipstick a little, Mike. Oh, I can fix that.

It's time, Laurel. Can I come in and see how beautiful you look?

Just a minute, Mary.

Laurel, into the closet.

What do I say to him?

Nothing. Just look at him.

Greta, you're on.

Come on. Alice, ready? Oh, Barry, get hold of yourself. We have bad news for you.

You'll have to call off the show.

You girls are nuts. I'm going in there.

It was awful. It was awful. Laurel had an attack of old age,

right before our very lives. At 56, they can go to pieces any time.

You girls are nuts.

An hour ago, she was gorgeous. Now, get out of my way.

All right.

But prepare yourself for the shock of your life.

Okay, Laurel, you're on.

I'm ready then. What happened? Oh, it happens all the time, Barry.

Sure, didn't you read Lost Horizon? One second she was young, the next she was 200.

All right now, girls, come off it.

What happened?

Where's Laurel? The Laurel.

Barry, Barry, I'm terribly sorry. Oh, don't blame her, Barry. It's all my fault.

You see, I thought she was 56, but she's really only 20,

and by the time I found out, it was too late to do anything about it.

Did you say 20?

Yes.

Do you hate me very much?

Here's how much I hate you.

But what about the show?

Who cares about the show? For the last week,

I've been in love with a girl I thought was 56.

You have, Barry?

That's why I didn't say anything.

But now that I know she's 20...

Oh, there's an awful lot I can say.

Come on, Laurel.

Well?

There goes a million dollars right out the door.

How can you talk like that when I have a broken heart?

It'll match your bones when I get through with you.

Oh, good morning, girls.

Loco, you'll kill yourself.

Besides, it's 7 o'clock in the morning.

What's the idea of waking us up?

Haven't you learned yet that you can't stay young forever? Oh,

I've forgotten about that.

I'm just in training so that the next millionaire I meet won't get away. I mean,

well, if I can't be smarter than him,

I'm making sure that at least I'll be stronger.