Original subtitles

Gold, fabulous metal of the ages, universal symbol of wealth and power.

The search for gold has altered the course of history,

but history hasn't much altered the methods used to discover it.

You can prospect for it, dig for it, pan for it.

Those are the hard ways.

Oh, you know an easier way?

Sure I do.

You can marry it.

Gee, isn't it great having a terrace where we can sun ourselves in privacy?

Some privacy?

There's that guy in the helicopter again.

What makes him fly by every time we come out here to Sunday?

20-20 vision.

I don't know why we're working so hard on these suntans.

There isn't one loaded guy around this summer.

You've got to figure unseasonal scarcity. Huh?

In summer, some strange instinct makes most rich guys

board their yachts and float away to far-off places.

Well, why can't we float away after them?

Oh, sure.

We'll just thumb a ride on a passing halibut.

Cancel the halibut, girls. A letter from the Bayside Yacht Club.

The Bayside Yacht Club?

Hurry up and open it. Where all the millionaires go? Mm-hmm, happy hunting grounds.

Well, read it.

A guest card. A guest card for Mike McCall and family. As of this moment,

that's you two. Oh, isn't it amazing?

Just what we were praying for. Oh, I tell you, Loco, somebody up there likes him.

That makes two of them.

Hold it, girls.

I knew it was too good to be true. This is for Mr. Mike McCall and family.

Oh, no.

Well, I guess I'll have to call him up and tell him

we opened another one of his letters by mistake.

Hello?

Would you get me Mr. Mike McCall on 84th Street, please?

Gosh, it's like giving back the key to Fort Knox.

Hello?

May I speak to Mr. Mike McCall, please?

In Europe for the summer?

Never mind.

Thank you very much.

Bye.

You know, it's a shame to let this go to waste, though.

Well, there's nothing we can do about it.

The best thing is to forward Mr. McCall his card.

We could use the card for one wonderful day at the club.

And it wouldn't cost that nice Mr. McCall one penny.

And we'd have our ticket to millionaire heaven. What do you say, girl? Well,

I say it's worth the risk.

I'm with you.

Oh, me too.

It's not that I mind going to jail,

it's just that you meet so few millionaires there. 126.

Your room is ready, sir, but please excuse the delay.

We do have to check up on our new guests. Why,

only last week a complete outsider wormed his way into the club.

I threw him out, of course, but the membership committee was so upset.

Why, I almost thought I'd have to turn in my carnation.

So you understand.

Well, come on.

What's the idea? I'm scared.

Don't be silly.

Just say to yourself, I don't know the meaning of the word fear.

I don't know the meaning of the word fear. All right, now say,

my spirit is indomitable. My spirit is indomitable.

And I don't know the meaning of that word either. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Just remember we're relatives.

And to keep your mouth shut.

That's right. Just, well, make like you've got laryngitis.

Good.

Yeah, come on.

Just one moment.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Mike McCall.

And you?

Oh, I'm Greta McCall.

And who might you be?

Look, I don't have time for charades.

I've got laryngitis.

What?

I've got laryngitis!

Now, look here. I wasn't born yesterday. For the last time, who are you?

Just call her Blabbermouth.

Now that the girls have had their joke, this is local McCall.

And I suppose you'll be wanting this.

This says Mr. Mike McCall.

Oh, that Mike McCall is my uncle. He couldn't come. He's in Europe.

Europe.

England. Norway. France.

Well, now, I'd say three very trim little crabs, both fore and aft.

Oh, Mr. Seton. One, two, three.

Well, no, thank you.

Tell me, where have you been all my life?

Well, most of it, I wasn't even born.

Well, that's a good one.

Mind if I send it in to the Harvard Lampoon?

Oh, be my guest.

Sugar?

One.

Cream?

Just a smidge.

Tea?

Tea?

Oh, no, thanks. Never touch it.

You Americans are so droll.

You British are so, so British.

I suppose we are, with our tea and cricket. Did you ever see cricket played?

Oh, I once had a boyfriend who played cricket.

Oh, really? What position?

Always standing up, of course.

I say, that is a good one. Do you mind if I send it in to punch?

Be my guest.

Come now. What position did he rarely play on the cricket team?

Oh, now I remember.

He played left crick.

Left crick?

And it wasn't easy. He was right-handed.

What are your chief interests?

Well, I dabble mostly in stocks and bonds.

Isn't that rather unusual for a girl?

Not this girl.

Well, ever since I can remember, I've been interested in the market.

When the other kids were learning about the birds and bees,

I already knew about the bulls and the bears.

That's a cute line. Mind if I send it in to the Wall Street Journal?

I'd love it, but make it...

Mother proud.

Usually the only time she reads about me is on the society page.

Naturally, that's all she reads.

Naturally.

By the way, my mother is coming to New York tonight on a visit,

and while she's here, I'd like to introduce her to some friends.

Why don't the four of us get together?

We couldn't do that. You see, Mother is sort of a recluse.

She never leaves the house.

Then we'll come over there. That's no problem.

That's what you think.

Oh, yes, Mr. Bacall.

But I thought you were in Europe, sir.

Oh, just returned today. Had to cut your trip short. Too bad.

Yes, of course, sir. Then we'll expect you later today. Goodbye.

Surely. Pardon me. Will you excuse me?

Miss McCall, you'll never guess who's just returned from Europe.

John Foster Dulles?

No, but I'll give you a hint.

Try the M's.

Marilyn Monroe.

Who very dear to you has been gadding about Europe?

You know, places like... England?

France?

Norway? Bingo!

Yes, your uncle is back.

And on his way over.

But you don't have to hurry.

You have a full five minutes to get off the premises.

You'll have to excuse us.

Is something wrong?

We have to leave immediately.

Mother.

Nothing serious, I hope. I was looking forward so to meeting her.

Oh, no, no, it's just that she can't bear to

have us away from her, even for a minute.

I thought you said she was a recluse.

Oh, she's a terrible recluse.

She just happens to like company.

Hello, Zenith Talent Agency.

This is Miss McCall again.

Have you found a mother for me yet?

Yes, I want someone with real class, high society.

Someone who looks so rich they don't have any poor relatives.

Please see what you can do. Bye.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Tommy. No, I told you, you can't come over yet.

Mother's in another one of her moods.

In fact, I had to make an appointment to see her myself.

But I do expect her to recover shortly.

Well, maybe, Tommy.

I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

Boy, have I got news. Start cheering, Mike.

Loco just called me at the studio and told me she's found a mother for us.

They should be here any second.

Well, did she say what she looked... That's probably her now.

Hi, girls.

Mike, I want you to meet Mrs. Hartley, our intended mother.

How do you do, my dear?

Won't you come in, mother dear?

Would you like to sit down?

Would you like some coffee, Mrs. Hartley? It's already made. Oh,

that would be lovely, my dear.

All right.

Oh, Mike, I was so lucky to run into her. I was at Gimble's, and I was helping her,

and we got friendly, and I told her all about our problem, and she wants to help.

Isn't she perfect?

She looks good.

There we are. May I pour you a cup? Oh, thank you.

We always keep a pot on.

We do like our coffee.

Cream? Oh, yes, thank you.

I do like my coffee very light.

Uh, you have a beautiful apartment, girls.

I do so like to see the young people who have good taste.

Thank you very much, that's so sweet of you.

She just slipped the cream pitcher into her shopping bag.

Oh, why don't you sit over in this chair, Mrs. Hartley?

It's so much more comfortable.

Yes, we do find that we like this chair far better than the other one.

How do you like your coffee, Mom?

Do you mind if we call you Ma? Not at all, my dear.

Did you get it back?

Yeah.

Also, Loco's wristwatch. Shh.

Yeah.

But I... I wonder who these belong to.

I'd better get this screen picture back in the kitchen for safekeeping

and try to get these watches back in the bag somehow.

You know, I'm very fond of these pictures you have here on your wall. Why,

thank you. Oh, they certainly do brighten this place.

Just look at the color in that corner.

Oh, yes. I always think there's nothing like

pictures to make a room look cozy and homey.

There's something spiritual about it.

And those are so lovely.

Oh, yes. This has always been one of my favorites.

But you always have a sense of beauty and of the finer things,

and that's very rare. You seldom find it in any home.

Thank you so much, Mrs. Hardaway.

Oh, I meant to tell you, there's been a change in plans,

and we find we don't need a mother any longer.

However, it certainly was nice of you to offer to

help us. Oh, goodbye, dear. Oh, goodbye, Mom.

And please do call again.

Yes, do come over and take a cup, I mean a cup of coffee with us sometime. Oh,

I will, I will. You've been so hospitable. Oh, everything we have is yours.

Within limits. Thank you so much. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Wasn't she sweet?

Yeah, she must be her parole officer's favorite.

Oh, Mike, what are we gonna do?

I don't know. Zenith Talon Agency's our last hope. It must be them now.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Tommy.

His mother's in town. He wants to bring her right over. You're out.

I'm out.

She says she's out.

She's out, Tommy.

My mother?

Oh, she's sleeping right now, so I'm afraid you couldn't come over.

But you can come up at three o'clock.

Bye-bye.

Tommy? Tommy?

Local.

There's something I don't quite understand. Would you mind explaining it to me?

Oh, sure, Mike. What is it?

Why did you tell them they could come up at 3 o'clock when

you knew that would mess up the whole deal beyond repair?

That's what you told me to say?

I said our mother was sleeping so they couldn't

come over right now, and you went like this.

And to you, this meant they could come up at three o'clock?

Right.

One, two, three o'clock.

My... Gee, well, you shouldn't have used sign language on me.

You know how bad I am at charades.

How do you do?

My name is Gertrude Van Dyne.

The Zenith Talent Agency sent me down here.

I understand you're looking for someone to play the part of a parent?

Mother.

How do I look?

Oh, like a million dollars, honey. That's the magic number.

It's almost three o'clock. Gertrude, do you remember how you're supposed to act?

Oh, yes. I'm supposed to be so ritzy that even my dog barks for the broad day.

Bye.

You wait in here until I call you. Oh, don't worry, dear.

I've never missed a cue in my life.

Hello, Tommy.

Hello, Mike.

I'd like you to meet my mother.

Howdy.

These are my sisters, Greta and Loco.

Howdy, gals. How do you do? Hello. Wouldn't you like to sit down?

Oh, yes, certainly. Say, you've got a mighty nice place here, gals, you know that?

Thank you. Uh, Tommy? Huh?

Okay, back there.

Are you comfortable Mrs. Seaton?

Well to tell you the truth, my feet are killing me in these fancy shoes.

Well, Tommy tells me you're a right, nice, down-to-earth girl,

even though your family did come over on the Mayflower.

Come on, Mom, knock it off.

Duh, heck, our family could have come over on the Mayflower, too,

except they were already here. Ha!

Forgive me, Mrs. Seaton, I didn't mean to stare.

It's just that you're so different from what we expected.

Well, you're not the first one to tell me that.

It's my fault for sending Tom into those eastern

colleges and getting him all gussied up there.

Then you're not from high society? Well, in Indian Springs, Montana,

we're pretty high society, ever since Pa found all that copper on the ranch.

I guess we don't rate so high here in the East.

That's the main reason I wanted you to meet, Mom, so you'd see,

in spite of the Yacht Club and everything, we're just plain ordinary people.

You know, I'm right anxious to meet your mom. Where is she? Did someone call?

Oh, we have company, I see.

How nice.

Well, do introduce us, child.

Mother, I'd like you to meet Mrs. Seaton and her son, Tommy. Ah, child.

Why didn't you tell me they were here, Pat?

Mike, mother.

Mother does so love her little jokes. When they're

that little, they need loving. Now then.

Tell me, Mrs. Seaton, don't you find New York too utterly frightful in the summer?

Well, now, I... I was so hoping to get up to our Connecticut estate for the season,

but I'm absolutely pinned down by all my club committee work.

Mother, you know the opera fundraising drive and

the Daughters of the Mayflower annual ball.

Of course, you are a member.

No, we don't have that kind of stuff out in Indian Springs.

Mother...

Indian Springs.

We're too busy punching cows most of the time.

Mother, don't you think we'd better have our tea now?

Oh, yes, tea. That's an excellent suggestion.

But where are the servants?

Oh, my dear, the quality of help these days is simply abominable.

As a matter of fact, I think I'll go and give them a piece of my mind right now.

Mother...

Aren't you forgetting that the kitchen is that way? Oh, quiet, child.

Your mother knows what she's doing.

Well, here we are again. Where were we? Mother, the guest.

Oh, yes, Pat, yes.

Those people from North Dakota.

Montana, honey. Way out west where men are men.

And I wouldn't have it any other way. Ha!

Remember that I am the mother of a blue blood. Blue blood?

Never did know what that meant.

Why, when my baby was born, her blood was so blue,

you'd have thought she swallowed a bottle of ink.

Incredible.

Indelible. My dear child.

How do you manage to get mixed up with such unpleasant people?

Now, hold on. I don't care if you are Mike's mother.

Oh, please let me explain. Yes, you see, we'd like to try...

I get to show one can't turn around these days

without bumping into the nouveau riche.

What? I don't know what that means, but it sounds right unfriendly.

I simply cannot imagine what these people are doing in my house.

Come on, Mom, put your shoes on and let's get out of here.

But Tommy, won't I see you again?

Not around here. I'm fed up with this eastern snobbery,

and I've put up with a lot of it, but this is the last straw.

Maybe we're not good enough for people like your mother, but the feeling is mutual.

Son, I kept telling you all along we ought to go back to the ranch where we belong.

And you're dead right, Mom. Montana, here we come.

Oh, let him go, child, and good rich, rich and shut. Now,

who else we spectin' for tea?

Take a bow, Gertrude.

You just closed the show.

Oh.

Oh, Pat, I'm afraid I failed you as a mother. Oh,

forget it. But I feel so useless, so empty.

You should see your flask.

Well, let's not be bitter, girls. What's done is done.

Tommy's just another millionaire who walked off into the sunset.

But it's all your fault, you know. Our fault? Yes.

You told me you wanted me to be high society.

Now, if you'd only told me you wanted a Western gal, why, heck,

that's one of my favorite parts.

Yippee!

Oh, well.