Original subtitles

Oil, the black gold, symbol of sudden wealth.

Men have sweated, starved, and even died in the endless search for it.

They were silly. There's a much easier way of getting it.

Oh, really? What's that, lady?

Marry it.

Of all the miserable parties, it's like a meeting at the Clumsy Dancing's club.

Gee, I didn't know they had a club.

Do you suppose there's something wrong with us?

There we are at the Waldorf Towers at a party crawling with millionaires,

and what do we wind up with? Each other in the morning edition of the Sunday paper.

Greta, that tall fella you were cha-cha-ing with, he was real cute.

He couldn't have been a millionaire.

Oh, you mean Jim Andrews. Well, he owns an aircraft company or something.

No.

Yes, but what good is it? He's leaving for Sea Island tonight.

Shift.

I heard a couple of others mention they were going down to Sea Island, too.

That place must be alive with millionaires.

Well, what is this Sea Island, anyway?

It's a large body of land surrounded entirely by money.

Oh, that feels so much better.

Well...

Who's for what?

Drama and TV section for me.

I'll take the... Gee, Mike, you must be positively... I know, psychiatric.

Oh, I see our quiz show got into print again.

Do you know that dairy farmer won $25,000 more last night?

Don't you get me on as a contestant.

I'm an expert at going broke.

Talking about going broke,

did you know that Daddy Warbucks was practically wiped out in 1929?

And in six months, he was a multimillionaire again.

Isn't there anything you don't remember about the comics, Loco?

Not Loco.

She's an expert on useless impr... Useless?

Loco?

What was the name of the first comic strip that featured a girl?

Everybody knows that. Vanilla and the villains.

The hero's name was Hair-Breath Harry.

He was the one before Superman who could catch an

arrow in mid-air and throw it back twice as fast.

Who was Joe Palooka's first fight with?

Oh, honestly, Kid Twist, 1935.

Is that a contestant for your show, or isn't it? She's perfect.

Oh, but Mike, you know how tough my boss is.

If he finds out I recommended a friend for a contestant, he'll boil me in oil,

shoot me, throw me out a window.

And then he'll really get angry.

All right, Greta.

Don't go to Sea Island and swim off the white

yacht that's too big to come into the harbor.

Oh, Mike, I couldn't. I absolutely couldn't.

I couldn't.

Look, I'm the producer of this show. You're supposed to handle the publicity.

What do you mean we've had dull contestants?

What's so dull about a jockey who can whistle the entire score of Aida, huh?

All right, all right, get on it.

Trouble?

Trouble, she asked me, trouble.

We've had hardly any publicity on any of the contestants.

We haven't had a live contestant for the past eight weeks.

Well, you wouldn't have any trouble getting space

if you could get a contestant like Loco Jones.

Oh, by the way, who's the first contestant on the next show?

Oh, it's that freckle-faced kid.

Who's Loco Jones?

Well, I guess you don't read the papers.

Anyway, what's the difference? We could never get her.

Who's the second contestant?

Oh, is that old...

Never mind that. Who's Loco Jones?

Well, you know, that famous model with the fabulous blonde hair and that

out-of-this-world figure who lives at the Tower House Apartments,

Penthouse G, and who knows all about comic books.

Tower House Apartments?

Oh, it's silly to write down the address. Tower House Apartments.

I'd never get her.

Every quiz show in town is after her. She's just not interested.

Not interested, huh? Let's see about that.

Oh, how do you do?

Oh, hello.

Please excuse the glasses. I only wear them once in a great while for reading.

Are you Miss Loco Jones?

That's right.

I'm Perry Leff.

Oh.

Come in, please.

Thank you.

Miss Jones, I'm a television producer. I'd like very much to talk to you. Oh,

won't you sit down? Yes, thank you.

Well, Miss Jones, I'll get right to the point. We've heard about you,

and we'd like you very much to come on our program as a contestant.

Oh, aren't you the nicest man?

But it's simply out of the question.

Well, Miss Jones, we want you on it very badly,

and we're quite prepared to make it worth your while.

I don't understand. You see, I promised my friend I would go on her show,

and a promise is a promise.

Well, isn't there something we can do? You know, anything within reason,

we'd be only too glad to cooperate.

Mike! That's my friend Mike. She works on Wall Street.

She looks very nice without packages.

Well, now, to get back to our show, we would like... Mr. Lin,

what kind of a friend do you think I am?

Hello, loco.

Oh, hi, Mike. Mike? Yes, she's my roommate.

Oh, all your roommates named Mike?

No, just this one.

I wish you wouldn't play games while I'm trying to talk business.

Games? What games?

Excuse me.

My name is Perry Leff.

Didn't you just walk in that door and go into that room then?

Well, I certainly did not. I just got off the

elevator and came in here. What's going on?

If it wasn't you, then it must be somebody else in there.

A burglar!

Excuse me, I've got to take a pill.

Oh, this is nonsense. I'll take a look and see if anybody's in there.

There's nobody in there.

Oh, that I tripped on the rug.

Well, I'm sure you were discussing something important,

so why don't you go right ahead with it?

Oh, there's nothing to discuss. Mr.

Leff asked me to go on his television quiz program.

Wonderful. She'll make a great contestant for you, Mr. Leff.

Oh, but you know I can't go on his program because I promised... Ouch!

Poor dear. Let me see it.

Oh, it's all right. All right?

Oh, look at the swelling and the tibia.

Take a look at that, Miss Gillette.

You better go right in the other room and soak it in cold water. Now, here,

hold up your foot and hop. I'll help you. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, dear, is it that bad?

That's the leg that hurts.

Look, Miss Jones, before I go, can't I persuade you to come on our program?

Yes! Now you just sit right there, mister, and that

local will be right out. Just one minute, Mike.

I want to thank you for helping me when I needed help,

but that does not mean that I have forgotten your attitude about our friend Grouch.

And Mr. Leff, I think it only fair to tell you that under

no circumstances would I consider going on your program,

and no power on earth can make me change my mind.

That darn rug again.

I wonder if it's too late for me

After a great deal of careful consideration,

I have decided that I will appear on your television program.

What's the name of Blondie and Dagwood's baby?

Baby Dumpling, of course.

April 14th, 1934.

Come on, ask me some hard ones. All right.

What was the name of Peter Piper's half-brother who left

home when he was 10 and was never heard of again?

My goodness, Peter Piper was like one of my own family.

His brother's name was George, but they called him Sonny.

That's right.

Now, just remember, when you're on the show, you quit after the $2,000 question.

Oh, I understand. Well, good.

Now, I'll be Jack Manning, the emcee,

and ask you some questions just the way he will on the show. Oh, Jack Manning.

Oh, I like him. He's the cutest.

All right, Miss Jones, let's get the game started.

Now, for $100, what's the name of Popeye's sweetheart?

Well, come on, Loco, even I know that one.

What's the matter? Gee, I don't know.

All of a sudden, my mind went blank.

I'm gonna try something.

Forget about that last question, honey.

Where were you born? Oh, North Platte, of course.

Now, for $200, where were you born? Oh, for $200?

It was in the Middle West someplace. That's it, the money frightens her.

Oh, I've seen that happen to a lot of people on the show.

What are we going to do?

North Platte! That's our girl.

Well, goodbye, Sea Island. It was nice knowing you.

Wait a minute.

I've got an idea, and it just might work.

This may sound a little strange, Greta, but go along with me.

Loco, which comic strip character invented a national holiday?

This question is worth a nickel.

A measly nickel.

Lil Abner, Sadie Hawkins Day, which was invented in November of 1937. See?

I don't get it.

You will.

Little by little, we are going to immunize local against money.

Now, Loco, in Tim Tyler's luck,

what was the name of the captain of the cargo steamer Pathfinder?

This question is worth a quarter, two bits.

Oh, that'd be Captain Bellows.

I think you're right, Mike. I'm beginning to get it. Keep pitching.

I'm going to go make some coffee.

Now, Miss Jones, for $1. Now, Miss Jones, in the comic strip Smiling Jack,

what is the name of Cindy's daughter?

This question is worth $350,000. Her name is Cherry. Victory.

We're in. Can I go to sleep now? Well, all right.

Oh, but just a little reminder.

The $2,000 question is the first one you'll answer from the isolation booth.

Got it?

All right, you answer that question, and then you quit.

Q-U-I-T.

Don't worry, I will. The isolation booth. The isolation booth? What is it now?

The isolation booth. My claustrophobia. Oh, I get what I'm hemmed in.

I thought you got over that. Oh, gosh, no. I don't faint anymore,

but when I make a phone call from a phone booth,

I still have to stand outside and holler. Very well.

We licked one thing, we'll lick the other.

Better go put on some more hot coffee.

There isn't any more. We'll ask Jesse to bring some up from the drugstore.

And bring me a toast to Danish, too.

Now, loco.

Now, we'll pretend that this closet is the isolation booth.

I want you to be a good girl and go in there. You'll answer a few questions,

then we'll forget about the whole thing and go to sleep.

I'll try. Good girl.

It's no use. I'm afraid. She's afraid. Now, Marco, that's silly.

You just keep telling yourself you're not afraid.

I'm not afraid. Say it some more. I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid.

No use, I just get scared silly when I'm in there.

Oh, Loco, honey, it's all in your mind.

Look, I'll go in there with you and show you that

there's absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

Actually, there's something kind of nice and soft about being in a closet.

You know just how far you can go.

All the walls are close enough to touch. Aren't they? Think of it as a home.

Your home.

It's cozy, warm, and comforting.

This home likes you. It's your friend, and you like it.

You're safe in here.

Nothing, nothing from the outside can hurt you.

I think everything's going to be all right. Good.

Okay, honey, you can come out until we get the next question ready.

You can come out now. I don't want to. I like it in here.

Nice work, son.

Thank you very much.

Oh, Mr. Manning. No, not just yet. Miss Jones, I think you'd better get ready.

You're on. Right after this commercial is over.

Thank you. You're very sweet.

Not at all.

Oh, Miss Jones.

Yes?

I'll be rooting for you.

Good luck.

Thank you.

You drive me absolutely dizzy with that glasses routine.

Every time you see a good-looking man, zip, they're off.

Well, I just can't help it. Besides, he's terribly, terribly cute,

and I wouldn't want him to think there was anything wrong with my eyes or anything.

No, dear, I think we'd better go in there. It's about time.

The handle fell off this door.

No, Couture. They hardly ever put the door handles

and the hinges on the same side anymore.

We are fortunate indeed to have as our next contestant Miss Loco Jones,

one of America's top models, whose category is comics.

Good evening, Miss Jones.

You can call me Loco.

Oh, all right, Loco.

Tell me, what ads have you posed for recently?

Oh, I just did this wonderful billboard.

Maybe you've seen it. There's me and this very handsome lifeguard,

and we're on this beach. And I'm looking into his eyes, and he's looking into mine.

And the caption reads, at last.

A peanut butter that won't stick to the roof of your mouth.

And that's just fine.

And now I think we'd better get on with the game.

Are you ready?

Ready?

Miss Jones, for $100, tell me this.

Who were the original stars of Thimble Theatre?

Olive oil and ham gravy, of course.

Olive's brother, Castor Oil, came in only a couple of weeks after. That's just fine.

Now, do you want to try for the $200 question?

And then there were Nana Oil and Cool Oil, Olive's mom and dad.

They weren't in very many strips, so I don't think we could really call them a star.

Now, do you want to go ahead and try for the $500 question?

If you think so.

Lily, up to you.

Okay, then. Good.

Now, this question is worth $500.

In the comic strip Harold's Boy by Howard Rayfield,

little Harold put glue in the teacher's inkwell,

and as a result was almost expelled from school.

For $500, what was the name of the teacher, the name of the school,

and the year that this occurred?

Well, the year was 1952. I remember, because that was the year that...

That general got elected president. The school was the Benjamin Franklin,

and the teacher's name was Miss Janice.

He sat in the first row, so... Just one moment, please.

Would you mind repeating that teacher's name?

Why, Miss Janice, Miss Neva Janice.

Oh, I am terribly sorry, but the correct answer is Miss Catherine Peake.

However, as a consolation prize, we... But I'm sure her name was Janice.

I really don't see how I could be wrong.

Well, I... I'm afraid you must be.

These are checked and double-checked by our staff of experts.

However, as a consolation prize... I remember very clearly,

because it was the first time that school term that Harold came late,

and everyone thought he was absent.

I'm afraid you must have your dates confused.

One second, please, ladies and gentlemen.

Miss Jones, ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid that we owe you an apology.

We have made a mistake.

The created Harold's boy, Howard Rayfield, has

just called in, and Miss Jones, you are right.

He was his regular teacher, but on that particular day,

she was being relieved by Miss Janice, a substitute.

Well, of course. He never would have done that to Miss Peake.

I'm sure that you know best. And now,

would you like to continue and try for the $1,000 question? Oh, all right. Good.

In the comic strip, Terry and the Pirates,

there is a famous character who is known as the Dragon Lady.

Now, Miss Jones, for $1,000, do you know the Dragon Lady's real name?

Yes.

What is that?

Oh, no.

You tell me, and I'll tell you if you're right.

Well, we simply can't do things like that. Won't you please give us another chance?

All right.

The dragon lady's real name is La Choy San.

Well, what are you waiting for? I know that's her real name.

Oh, yes, yes.

I just rather expected you to tell us more about her.

You're right.

Her name is La Choy San.

Oh, I'm awfully glad you got that right,

and I hope you've forgiven me for that little mistake before.

I wouldn't want to do anything to upset a girl as lovely as you.

Oh, it wasn't your fault.

It might have been somebody else's, but...

It couldn't have been yours.

Well, now it's time to go into the isolation booth if

you want to continue and try for the $2,000 question. All right.

Good, our lovely Greta will escort you to the booth.

And good luck.

I'll be watching you.

Good luck, Loco. Thank you, Miss Hanson.

Loco?

I'm going to hand you a drawing of a subordinate character

who has appeared in the famous comic strip Peter Piper.

Peter Piper, where am I?

We want you to identify the character and the year it appeared in.

That is the first part of your question.

You have ten seconds to examine the drawing.

Why doesn't she put on her glasses?

Without her glasses, she can't even see the studio.

She'll never put them on while Smiley out there is making goo-goo eyes at her.

What's up, loco?

For the first part of your $2,000 question,

can you identify the character and the year?

The year was 1949, and the character was Irene Devereaux.

I'm terribly sorry, but the correct answer is Blue Boy,

the racehorse that Little Peter found in 1938. What?

I will say, Miss Jones, that you have been

a delightful contestant. Hasn't she, folks?

Darn swell.

But all is not lost, Miss Jones.

As a consolation prize, we are presenting you with an all-expenses-paid

weekend for two at the picturesque Sea Island Lodge.

Sea Island? Oh, that's wonderful!

All right, all right, Miss Jones, the weekend is for three.

Well, there's only one logo, and she's all ours. Mm-hmm.

Let's see, what have we packed for the trip?

Oh, Miss Jones.

Yes?

Oh, it was wonderful having you on the show, Miss Jones.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Manning. How would I find you?

Oh, no, no. Miss Jones, this is Betty Manning.

Your sister?

Oh, no.

Oh, heavens no.

Your wife?

My daughter.

Well, cheer up, Loco. It could have been his granddaughter.

Well, as I was saying, what'll we pack for the trip?

Oh, I saw the cutest little shark in the town.