Original subtitles

This is the gold rush of 1849, when gold was discovered worth millions of dollars.

There are many ways you can make a million.

You can dig for it, you can fight for it, you can die for it.

You forgot one other way.

What's that, lady?

You can marry it.

Oh, these bills are murder.

Fifth Avenue Dress Shop, $230.

Loka, you're a model.

Can't you get us something to wear for going out? Well, we'd be arrested.

I'm just modeling gloves this week.

Rents.

This place certainly is expensive.

Yeah.

Why don't we get a penthouse on the ground floor? Maybe it'd be cheaper.

Oh, are you wearing those tight glasses again? Oh, no. They're fine.

Maybe we should move into a place we can afford.

Oh, but honey, how do you expect to meet a millionaire in a Quonset hut?

The more expensive the mousetrap, the richer the mouse.

Well, we certainly haven't been doing too well here.

Maybe there's a rich cat beating us to the rich mouse.

Oh, you're sure those glasses aren't too tight? No, they feel fine.

Cute.

Oh, I'll bet somebody's moving into that empty

apartment next door. Maybe it's a rich mouse.

Hey.

So far, so good. Everything looks very expensive. And very masculine.

I'll say.

I wonder who he is. Shh, here comes the elevator.

Jessie, Jessie.

His name is Abner J. Doncourt. He's visiting from Idaho.

He made a fortune in lumber, and he's single.

The jackpot.

Is all that baggage his? No, he brought his secretary with him. His secretary?

His secretary's name happens to be Steve.

Steve Chandler.

Well, that's a funny name for a girl.

Look, is there anything else you'd like to know? No, thanks, Jesse.

Dun & Bradstreet couldn't have done better.

Imagine a millionaire right next door. How convenient. Yes,

we can always run over for a cup of money. Oh, hello.

Get me Penthouse K, please.

The negotiations for the merger are finished, and I am now waiting. I'll get it.

Hello? Hello?

Hello, is this Mr. Doncourt's secretary?

Who's calling, please?

Well, we're your new neighbors, and we wanted to invite Mr.

Doncourt over for a get-acquainted cocktail. Oh, I'm sure he's not that busy.

And of course, we'd like you to come along with Mr. Donkort.

Oh, don't be silly.

What if you are Justice Secretary?

Now, we just won't take no for an answer.

We believe in the good neighbor policy, you know.

Well, perhaps Mr. Don Kort and I could make it.

What time would you like us over?

How about 6 o'clock?

Penthouse G?

Oh, of course not. Come as you are. Yes, Rich.

See you at 6.

Bye.

We did it.

Got ourselves a millionaire lumberman. Who said money didn't grow on trees?

Timber!

I, uh, still don't see what you're getting at, Mr. Duncourt.

Just call me Steve.

For tonight, you're Abner, Don Corton.

Well, why?

Look, wherever we go, all the girls flock to me and not to you.

Why is that?

Well, that's because you have that, uh... Well, that is, you... Well,

you have an indefinable something called...

Yeah, that's why I never got married.

The only thing a girl can see in me is a dollar sign.

Well, I wouldn't say that. Now, look, for once,

I want to find someone who will like me just for myself.

So don't you forget, tonight you're Mr. Downcourt. Okay.

This should be a very interesting evening.

This should be a very interesting evening. I wonder what he looks like.

Well, one thing we know, he's not a tall, dark, and handsome steamer trunk.

I think we ought to have a little lude music. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Now, let's see. What'll we put on?

How about that new album? Music to sign checks by?

Oh, man, your battle stations.

Hi, neighbors. Well, good evening, and thank you for inviting us over.

I'm Abner J. Doncourt.

How do you do?

Oh, and this is my secretary, Steve Chandler.

How do you do?

I'm Mike McCall, and these are my roommates, Greta Hansen and Loco Jones.

Won't you come in?

Yes. Welcome to our mousetrap.

What part of the country are you from? Oh, I just bet you're a Westerner.

Well, you're right. I'm from Idaho.

Well, Idaho.

I'm just mad about your potatoes.

Won't you sit down? Yes.

Oh, thank you.

Right here. Well, well, well. Hey, this is a lovely apartment. Thank you.

I'm from Idaho, too.

He's a great guy. I'd be lost without him.

Tell me, Mr. Duncourt.

Oh, please, please, please. This is a social evening. You may call me Abner.

Oh.

You may call me Steve.

I've never met anyone from Idaho before.

What business are you in?

Oh, business. Well, I made my fortune in lumber.

But presently, I've got my money in...

Oil.

Doesn't that make it slippery?

Loco, honey, this is supposed to be a cocktail party. Isn't something missing? Oh.

Cocktails! Here, I'll take two olives out of a pit of cash.

The girls are a regular three-ring circus.

Oh, one ring will be enough.

Serve the drinks, dear. I'll take over.

Excuse me.

Tell me, Abner, how long do you expect to be in town?

Oh, well, that depends.

How long do you think we'll be in town, Steve?

No, thank you.

Steve?

How long do you think we'll be staying in town?

What?

You plan to stay till the end of the week.

Oh, well, I guess that makes it definite.

You see, we're trying to squeeze in a little vacation. You know the expression,

all work and no play makes Jack?

That's what I like, a man with a sense of humor.

You know, I never... You go.

I was just going to say, I never talked to a man secretary before.

What's it like?

Well, a man secretary does the same things any other secretary would do.

Well, isn't that confusing?

Who sits on whose lap?

Well, that situation never has come up.

What were you going to say before?

Well, I was going to ask how you got the name Loco.

But, well... Oh, loco, we're going to show Abner the view from the terrace.

Care to come along, honey?

No, I've seen it, thanks.

Abner seems like a nice fellow. Is he really rich?

Oh, I'd say he was loaded.

How big a load?

About five million.

Of course, most of it's tied up.

Oh, naturally. It's much neater that way. Especially with all that gooey oil on it.

I think I need another drink. Oh, let me.

Okay.

Here, have an olive.

That's a gumdrop.

Oh, I was just dunking. I love them this way.

Sort of a martini sickle.

You're wonderful.

You know, confidentially, I was happy to see

that you didn't chase after Mr. Downcourt.

Obviously, you're not impressed by money.

Well, money isn't everything.

Well, you really think so?

Sure, there's stocks and bonds and real estate.

But I think you're attractive without all that.

Well, thank you.

Say, these are good.

Certainly. That's funny.

That's a closet.

I guess I've had too many gumdrops.

I got a telegram from Mr. Doncourt. I understand he's here.

Oh, he's over there.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, a telegram for you, Mr. Donkart. Oh, I'll take it.

You'd better take it, Mr. Donkart. Yes. Well, I suppose it's business again.

Just can't seem to get away for an evening's relaxation.

Oh, boy.

There we are. Go out and buy yourself a little bicycle.

Yes, sir, Mr. Doncourt. Uh, Mr. Doncourt, wasn't that a rather generous tip?

So what? We'll cut down a couple of more trees.

Now... Uh-oh.

Oh, the merger.

Mr. Downcourt, we'd better call our lawyer right away. Oh,

but you're not going to leave. Well, we'll be right back with your permission.

Say, I have a good idea. Why don't we all have dinner a little later on?

Oh, Graham.

See you later, loco. Bye.

Bye.

Look, oh, I think he really likes you. Girls, we are on our way.

I'm glad.

I think Steve is kind of sweet. Steve? We mean Abner on the terrace.

He talked about nothing but you.

Abner, Jay Doncourt's our target. You forget

about that secretary. Oh, but he's so nice.

Nicer than a million bucks. You'll have to forget about Steve. Remember our oath?

Oh, the oath.

On my honor, I promise to do my best to help one of us marry a millionaire.

All for one and one for all, so help us Fort Knox.

Gotta do the town. No, I don't think we missed a nightclub.

Oh, that's it, loco.

A little bit lower. I've got a knot in my cha-cha-cha muscles.

Oh, good.

Thanks. I feel a lot better.

Me too.

I worked out the cramp in my pinky.

Wasn't that Abner a scream at the Club 94?

Steve sure seemed embarrassed about the way his boss was acting. You and that Steve.

Remember, honey, it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Who? Oh.

Yes, this is Loco.

Lunch? Oh, I'd love to.

See you then.

Bye.

Congratulations, honey. Oh, I'm so happy for you, dear.

Where's Abner taking you? Oh, that wasn't Abner.

That was Steve.

After all we've said, and you accept a date with that reject from Arthur Murray's.

Loco, we already have one secretary in the family,

and if there's any typing to be done, I can do it. How could I turn him down?

After all, I have to be polite.

Oh, sure.

Polite.

Abner just didn't call in time.

That's all. Oh, sure, that's all.

Imagine me going out with the secretary. I wonder who does sit on whose lap.

You know, Loco, I still don't know why you made me take you here.

I wanted to take you to the Oak Room or the Blue Note, someplace like that.

Want a secretary's salary? They have a wonderful 85-cent lunch here,

and I'm just mad about Chinese food.

Well, maybe you'd like a drink. How about a martini?

Oh, no thanks.

It's too early in the day for gumdrops.

You know, Loco, I've never met anyone like you before.

Steve, I'll bet you have lots of girlfriends back in Idaho.

Well, there is a girl I used to go to school with that I like quite a bit.

Her name's Josephine Mutzenbacher.

Oh, the poor thing.

Well, here's lunch.

How I love these fortune cookies.

That's fried shrimp.

Oh.

Loco, why don't you put your glasses on?

How did you know I need glasses?

I sort of got the idea last night when you got up

to dance with me and waltzed off with the waiter.

Go ahead, put them on.

You mean you don't mind being out with a girl who wears glasses? Well, why should I?

I wear glasses myself.

You do?

That's what you look like.

You know, you look even better with your glasses on.

With my glasses on, you look better, too. It's, um, 53 to 47.

Your turn. I've got her.

M...

I... N... K. That's a dandy.

Thank you, sir.

Everything was just yummy.

You know, it tastes better when it's not blurred.

What's the matter, Steve?

This is very embarrassing.

I seem to have come out without any money.

I had a feeling Mr. Donkort didn't pay you enough.

Oh, it's not that.

I think I have money with me.

Yes. Two dollars will take care of it.

No, really, I can't let you do this.

The way he throws money around in those nightclubs,

you'd think he'd pay his help a decent salary.

Oh, hello, Abner.

No, we're just sitting around.

Who did you want to speak to?

Loco?

Just a minute.

Hello, this is Loco.

Oh, I can't.

I'm sorry too.

Maybe some other time. Thanks anyway, bye.

Um, what did he want?

He asked me for a date tonight.

And you turned him down?

That's right.

But why? I have a feeling Steve is going to ask me out tonight.

I have a feeling I'm going to faint. Oh, you poor dear.

Lie down and loosen your girdle.

You are going to sit in this chair.

Take this phone and call Abner right back and tell him you can make it tonight.

But what about Steve? He's a nice enough guy,

but we're not paying all this rent to meet underprivileged male secretaries.

It's as simple as this, honey.

Why settle for chow mein when you can get caviar?

Besides, you don't know how Steve feels about you.

But you do know how Abner feels.

Give me penthouse K, please.

K, like in, um...

Like in caviar. Five, four, three, two, one.

Hello, Abner. Oh, thank you.

Well, well, is Loco ready?

I think so. Just a minute.

Loco! Abner's here. Hi.

Well, hi. Say, you look terrific. Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

Oh, I have brought you some orchids.

Oh, but I still have your orchids from last night.

Day-old orchids?

Unheard of. It's like driving last year's car.

Oh, but that's different. You can't keep a car in the refrigerator.

Translation prize for you.

Thank you, my dear. How sweet.

Think nothing of it.

What's Steve doing tonight, Abner? Steve?

Oh, well, I don't know. He's been at the lawyer's

office all afternoon checking on that merger deal.

Gee, I hope... Oh, I'll get it.

Now, hello, girls. Hello. I thought I'd find you here. Well, how are you, kid?

Did you take care of that merger? No, you took

care of it. Here, read the evening paper.

Millionaire Idaho playboy joins nightclub floor show. Look at that.

She drove the Russians right off the front pages.

Well, how did that affect the merger? Oh, just ruined it, that's all.

They called the whole thing off.

Decided they didn't want a cha-cha-cha dancer for chairman of the board.

Why don't they give you the job, Steve?

Maybe they'd rather have someone who could waltz.

Are you taking Loco out? Oh, well, see, we didn't expect you back.

And were you going to go out with him?

Are you going to let him talk that way, Abner?

Now, just a second.

I think this thing's gone far enough.

I'm Abner.

What are you talking about? He's Abner.

He's Steve Chandler, my private secretary, and I'm really Abner J. Doncourt.

And I'm really confused.

Well, I guess I owe you girls an explanation.

Well, you owe Abner one, too.

He's Steve. Steve Chandler.

That's right, he's Abner. J. Don Korn.

I'll race you for the open window.

Steve, I mean Abner. I don't understand.

Why the switch?

Well, it isn't easy being a millionaire.

You never know how people feel about you.

And for once, I didn't want my money to stand in the way.

But it didn't.

Loco liked you when she thought you were just a secretary. That's right.

It wasn't her fault, you see.

We were the ones who... No, I never should have started this whole thing.

It was a crazy idea. Come on, Steve, let's pack our bags.

Goodbye, girls.

But you just moved in.

Well, I can't stay after all this.

You know, I'm going back to Idaho and marry Josephine Mutzenbacher.

She's richer than I am. Let her worry.

Goodbye.

Oh.

Here, loco.

I almost forgot to pay you back for that lunch.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Steve.

I'm Abner.

Oh, never mind.

Oh, I'm sorry, Loco. You had yourself a millionaire, and we lost him for you.

I'm still confused.

Here, you better let me have those.

What for?

So the next time I can tell a whale from a guppy.

I've got one.

S-K-U-N.

So swell.

I'm hungry.

How about going out for a late snack?

My piggy bank is empty. I even ran out of mad money.

Say, I just remembered. I've got those two dollars

Abner paid me back for the Chinese restaurant.

Two dollars.

Well, we can fill up on tea and egg noodles.

Oh, my.

And I thought he was such a nice man.

What are you talking about? These dollar bills are counterfeit.

Counterfeit? Look at the picture on them. George Washington is wearing a beard.

That's not George Washington. That's Ulysses S. Grant.

Two $50 bills.

Cancel the tea and egg noodles.

Yeah, bird's nest soup for everybody.