Original subtitles

Safari, the trek into the jungles of Africa, truly the hunt deluxe,

costing thousands of dollars.

How could you go on one of these expeditions?

Well, you could be a guide leading the way through the snake-infested swamp.

You could tote a heavy pack on your head for miles in the blazing, merciless sun.

Or you could be a millionaire sportsman and carry it in style.

I know another way.

What's that, lady?

Marry the sportsman.

¶¶

Anybody home? Oh, there you are. Hi, Mike. Hi.

Rough day on the show?

Oh, the worst. Everything went wrong. Oh, that bad? Yeah.

And to top it off, after rehearsal ended,

I accidentally got locked in the isolation booth with one of the electricians.

Did he toss any questions at you?

Yeah.

Luckily, I knew all the answers.

How was your day?

Oh, the market was murder.

Motors went down four points, and Milltown went up six.

Who's trying to bring dinner home tonight? Locos.

I just hope she doesn't run into that friend of hers like last time. You know,

that Billy what's-his-name who works at the soda fountain. What a dinner that was.

Jelly beans smothered in licorice sticks.

The inlays are coming loose just thinking about it. The sandwiches weren't too bad.

Hey, maybe tonight she'll...

Savo drugs.

Don't tell me that carbonated Lothario catered dinner again tonight. Well, Mr.

Gruber at the market wouldn't give us any more credit. Well,

at least it's not jelly beans again.

Oh, no. Billy really went all out this time. Oh, come on.

Three peanut butter sandwiches, and a pint of orange sherbert,

and a quarter-day old coleslaw.

Sounds like the blue plate special. You mean Blue Cross.

Oh, these are for me.

Oh, hello, Mr. Blandish.

Good evening.

Mr. Blandish, the innkeeper.

Did you get our check for the three months back rent?

Why, did you send it?

No, I just thought we might get lucky.

Now, girls, I hate to be a pest about such a small matter as three months back rent,

but, you know, I have to answer to the owner of this place.

He keeps breathing down the back of my neck, so what can I do?

Well, you could turn your collar up.

Now, this is my last warning, girls.

You have that rent by the end of the week, or out you go.

Oh, but Mr. Blandish... The end of the week, or out you go.

Well, don't worry.

A few more dinners like this and we may not live till the end of the week.

I guess our expenses have been getting out of hand.

Chief, we'd only think of some... Well, that week flew by in a hurry.

I'll get it.

How do you do?

Here's Miss Loco Jones.

That's me.

I'm Robert Crowder of Honeywell, Browning, Barnett & Crowder.

You are?

You better look again. Those other fellas must have stayed in the elevator.

Here's my card. This should explain.

Now, is everything clear?

Oh, yes.

Yes, perfectly clear.

What is it, Logo? This gentleman's here to see me.

This is his card.

Honeywell, Browning, Barnett, and Crowder, attorneys at law. This is Mr. Crowder.

The other fellows are still in the elevator.

Won't you come in?

Yes, thank you, thank you.

I'm Mike McCall, and this is Greta Hansen.

How do you do?

Hello. May I take your hat?

Oh, yes, please.

This way.

Well, this is a pleasant surprise.

I was expecting Miss Jones to be a little old lady with white hair.

Oh, I tried platinum once. That's almost white, you know.

But I had to change. Boy Scouts kept helping me across the street. Local.

I had plenty of trouble with the Scoutmasters, too.

Mr. Crowder, would you like to sit down?

Oh, yes, yes. Thank you, thank you.

What's this all about?

I have what could be some important news for Miss Jones,

but first I must verify a few facts.

Is Loco Jones your legal name?

Yes, it is.

Where were you born?

North Platte.

That's in Nebraska.

That checks.

Date of birth?

February 25th, 1900. Oh, that checks.

What's that?

You have proof of birth.

Proof?

Oh, gosh, I was only a baby at the time. Oh, dear, Mr.

Crowder just wants to know if you have a birth certificate.

Thank you, Miss McCall.

Oh, sure, I have a birth certificate.

That'll be all the proof we'll need.

Now, Miss Jones, does the name Anna Dudley mean anything to you?

Anna Dudley?

She's a distant relative of yours.

She is?

Yes, a cousin through marriage twice removed.

Anyway, Anna Dudley passed away six months ago in Portland, Oregon.

Living in a state running into the millions.

Wow.

And you mean Loco was mentioned in the will?

There was no will. That's why I'm here.

You see, our law firm has been conducting a search,

and we're of the opinion that Miss Loco Jones is the only living relative.

What did you say? Would you mind repeating that?

You heard it right.

Congratulations, Miss Jones. You are the sole heir to several million dollars.

Oh, Loco, honey, we're so happy for you.

Loco?

Loco, dear?

What's the matter?

She fainted.

But her eyes are open.

That's the way she faints. Lobo?

Where am I? In Clover.

What happened? You're a millionaire. That's silly. I can't be.

I'm a girl.

There are girl millionaires, too, you know.

Sure, Barbara Hutton, Doris Duke, Lassie.

And now, Loco Jones.

Oh, we can pay the rent. Rent! We can buy the building.

All we have to do is get these papers signed,

and we'll start the legal wheels turning.

Miss Jones, you give me your signature, and the money will soon be in your hands.

I'm afraid you'll have to wait for that signature. What?

She's done it again. Coco? Coco?

Oh, good morning.

Good morning, Your Majesty.

Oh, cut it out. And how is our young heiress today? I couldn't get to sleep.

I kept thinking about how rich I am.

Well, why didn't you count sheep like you always do? I did,

but every time one of them jumped over the fence...

She lost her diamond earrings.

There, there, dear.

Don't worry about it.

Tomorrow we'll go out and have all their little

ears pierced. Better get some coffee.

You know, I feel funny about this whole thing.

I don't think I should take the money.

What?

After all, I didn't even know this woman.

And my mother always used to tell me, never accept gifts from strangers. I mean,

this is different. The money is yours. Besides, you're famous.

Look at the morning paper. There's a story about you on the front page.

Woman gives birth to twins in taxicabs? No, no, dear. The story is over here. Gee,

they even have my picture in.

Let's face it, Mama Warbucks, you're rich.

You mean we're rich. Anything I get, we share.

Well, that's very generous of you, honey, but

I absolutely won't hear of it. I insist.

Not only are we going to share,

but we're going to share and share and share and share. Well,

you drive a hard bargain. Oh, I feel so wonderful this morning. Say it.

Why don't we all go out and celebrate? Yeah, let's

all go out and buy a new dress. New dress?

Fur coat.

Fur? Sables and minks for everybody.

Mom, shall I have James bring the limousine around?

Don't be silly, old girl.

We'll call up Brinks and have them bring over a convertible armored truck.

We'll ride with the top down.

Jesse, are you still in there? Yes, ma'am.

Well, put them right over there, Jesse. Yes, ma'am.

May I take your coat, Miss Hanson?

Oh, just a few minutes more, Irene.

Miss McCall, your Coke? Oh, it's a little chilly in here, Irene.

Miss Jones?

My, you ladies seem to have made quite a few purchases. Yes,

we bought out Fifth Avenue. Yes, and tomorrow we go to work on Sixth and Seventh.

My, oh my, if this keeps up, next week you'll be in Jersey.

Oh, Mr. Blandish, come in.

Good afternoon, ladies.

That peasant is here for the rent again.

Oh, not at all, not at all. Well,

I didn't come up here to discuss petty financial matters.

I just want to know, have you been getting enough heat at night?

How's the maid service been?

Elevator service?

How's the mail service? Do you have any complaints at all?

Well, the elevator squeaks.

Well, I'll have it oiled immediately.

Give me sips.

Thank you.

Anything else?

Well, sometimes we can hear the people beneath us walking around.

Well, I'll put in wall-to-wall carpeting. That'll make it quiet.

Anything else?

That new couple that just moved in next door are yelling at each other all night.

Well, I'll get them a marriage counselor.

Anything for my three favorite tenants.

Mr. Blandish, we're not so sure we're going to stay here anyway.

We'd like to look for a place with a little more class.

A place where the manager doesn't run up every few

minutes on a squeaky elevator to ask for the rent.

Who said anything about rent? I don't want the rent.

I wouldn't take it now if you were to offer it to me.

I don't understand.

When you don't have money, everybody wants it.

When you do have money, nobody wants it. Gosh, he certainly has changed. Yes,

remember how nasty he was a couple of million dollars ago?

Maybe we should move out of this tenement.

Yeah.

Look at a country estate way out on Long Island. Long Island?

But how would we get to work every morning?

Work? We've got three million dollars. Let's not be pigs. We're quitting.

We'll send each of our bosses a telegram right now. Gee,

do you really think we ought to quit our jobs? I mean,

before we get the inheritance money?

Oh, stop worrying.

Mr. Crowder said you'd have it any day now.

And if the lawyer tells you the money is yours, it's yours.

Look, believe me.

If I tell you the money is yours, it's yours.

I just can't believe it, Mr. Bronson.

The papers all said it was this Loco Jones who inherited the money.

Well, it was hers until you showed up, Mr. Bronson.

Gosh, it's gonna be an awful shock for that poor girl.

I can't get over it. Me and my buddy were out in Utah staking uranium claims.

I didn't even know Anna Dudley died till I saw this story in the paper.

Maybe you can help clear up a mystery, Mr. Bronson.

With all that money, why do you figure your cousin didn't leave a will?

Well, she just didn't trust lawyers, that's all.

Well, I guess you could say she was eccentric.

Well, if it'll make you feel any better.

Mr. Bronson, I hope you'll forgive me for mentioning this,

but for a man who's inherited over $3 million, you, uh, well,

you don't seem very excited about it.

Why should I be? We just made five million out of uranium.

Kids, I just gave Jesse the telegrams to send to our bosses. We've quit our jobs.

Yippee, we can sleep till noon. No more work.

Girls, I just had a thought.

What?

I mean, uh, what, Loco? Is there an unemployment office for millionaires?

Just think, Loco.

This will be your first party as an heiress.

I'm so excited.

Loco?

Oh, uh... Loco?

What?

I don't know whether it's the new style or not,

but you're putting mascara all over your glasses.

I wondered why it was getting so dark in here.

Just too well it's gonna be here tonight anyway.

Oh, a small select group.

People from Wall Street, society, all the fashion shops.

Oh, how wonderful.

Girls, our little shindig tonight is going to make Elsa Maxwell's

last party look like the spring prom at the Bowery Mission.

Everybody having a good time? Oh, go ahead and eat. We're loaded.

And so you see, we're going to buy two yachts, one for saltwater and one for fresh.

Well, it is neater that way.

Attention, everyone.

Let's all drink a toast to the three prettiest girls in New York.

And to the girls with the prettiest figure in town. Three million dollars.

Hey, Greta, how about a little music?

Righto.

Good idea. Got a mambo?

Ooh, coming up in two shakes.

Oh, somebody at the front door. Turn it off, will you, George?

It must be some society reporter. Excuse us.

Oh, it's all right, Irene.

Oh, Mr. Blandish.

I don't remember your name on the guest list.

Oh, I'm sure it wasn't.

Now, girls, I don't mean to intrude,

but it is my duty to report a complaint about too much noise.

Well, we told you to fix that squeaky elevator.

Oh, I took care of that.

But old Mrs. Hastings across the hall, she's been complaining about your party.

She's mad enough to have puppies.

She better not. You know what the lease says. No pets.

Will you just tell Mrs. Hastings to go ahead and have her puppies?

Because we've decided to move after all.

We simply can't be bothered by a fretful, rent-hungry manager.

Oh, now, girls, you got me all wrong. Oh, I see

you have another guest arriving. Come in, sir.

It's Mr. Crowder, Loco's lawyer.

The man with the money.

Quiet, everybody. The man with the money's here. Come in, Mr. Crowder.

And draw up a check and sit down. May I fix your place?

No, no, thank you. Miss Jones, I have something very important to discuss with you.

Could I speak to you in private?

Oh, go right ahead.

Well, Miss Jones, it's about the inheritance.

Well, that's all right. We're all friends here. Yes,

I'm sure we'd all like to see what a few-million-dollar check looks like.

Well, I'm afraid there isn't going to be any check.

Oh, well, cash will be all right. Would you please make it in bills?

I have a very small change purse. Just a minute, local.

Mr. Crowder, what are you getting at?

I regret to say I have some very bad news.

A closer cousin of Anna Dudley has come forth, and according to law, has priority,

and is entitled to the entire estate.

What?

What?

What? This can't be possible.

The local must be entitled to at least part of the estate.

No, the law is very specific on this point. You see,

this cousin is a blood relative, and when there's no will,

a blood relative takes precedence over a relative through marriage.

I feel terrible about this, but unfortunately, Miss Jones isn't entitled to a penny.

Just a minute.

What about my back rent?

And who's gonna pay me for all this food that you ordered, huh?

Those furs you charged this morning will weigh $20,000.

You owe me $15,000 for that jewelry you're wearing. Everything goes back.

No leaving nothing here. Take everything back.

I cannot take everything, but this you can keep.

You have two days till the end of the week, and you'd better have that rent.

Now I have to go across the hall and apologize to Mrs. Hastings.

But, but Mr. Blandish.

How's Loco?

Out.

Did you see them run?

It's the first time I ever saw rats desert a sinking penthouse.

Loco?

Loco?

What happened? Where am I? Among friends.

The ex-millionaires of Penthouse G.

Now we're in great shape. We've got more bills than ever.

Our jobs! I forgot about those telegrams and our quitting!

Oh, yeah!

Gee, it's a good thing we didn't buy those two yachts.

Now what?

I'm sorry to trouble you at a time like this.

Oh, no, not more bad news.

I'm afraid so, but if you want me to send these telegrams,

you've got to come up with $3.50.

You didn't send those telegrams?

Oh, I didn't get a chance to before this, and now, after what's happened,

I'm afraid I've got to cut off your credit.

But you didn't send them. Oh, you wonderful man.

All right, all right, I'll come up with a three-fifty. I'll send the telegram.

At least we've still got our jobs.

Well, goodbye.

Oh, Jessie.

Thank you so much.

Well?

What do we do now?

Loco, you better call up Billy at the drugstore. What for?

Maybe he'll send up some more peanut butter sandwiches. No!

Good afternoon, ma'am.

I'd like to see the young lady who was mixed

up in that big inheritance, Miss Loco-Jones.

I'm Loco-Jones, and I just don't care to discuss it.

My name's Jeff Bronson.

I came to talk to you about a little money matter.

Please.

We don't want to be bothered about money. Goodbye.

Do we have to send all these things back? Just keep wrapping.

The last time I did this much wrapping, I got a dollar an hour for it.

Who was that local?

Oh, just another fortune-hunting character.

Said he wanted to see me about a money matter. Did he miss the boat?

Oh, everything's gone wrong.

What a mess.

And we owe it all to a fellow by the name of Jeff Bronson. Who?

That name ought to be engraved on your empty bank book. Jeff Bronson.

That blood cousin that beat you out of all those millions.

Oh, my gosh, I forgot. What?

Well, that... that fellow I just threw out.

He said his name was Jeff Bronson.

Dear Miss Jones, sorry you didn't give me a chance to explain.

I came here to share my good fortune with you. Oh, no!

But living in a fancy layout like this,

it's plain to see you don't need the money anyway.

Lots of luck and nice almost knowing you.

Jeff Bronson.

Oh, gosh, girls, I... Grant?