Original subtitles

There they go, the world's finest thoroughbreds,

costing and earning millions of dollars.

Truly the sport of kings.

It may be the sport of kings, but a girl can get into that sport, too.

Really?

How?

By marrying the king.

Oh, Wally, I was enjoying the show so much.

Oh, I'm sorry I had to bring you home so early, darling.

I understand. Business is business.

Now, boys, say good night to the future Mrs. Murcott.

Good night, ma'am. Good night.

Good night.

I'll call you in the morning, honey.

Okay.

Thanks for the dinner. The pheasant under glass was delicious.

And the glass was pretty, too. What a doll. What are

you doing home so early? Don't just stand there.

Say something. Look.

An engagement ring. Oh, loco.

Look at the size of it. It's blinding me. Four carats. Blue-white without a flaw.

And it's real. You should see the way it cut the glass over my pheasant.

Congratulations, honey. You hit the jackpot.

Oh, a jackpot's only three bells. This kid hit four carats. You know,

I wonder why Wally's so secretive about what he does.

I wish my little millionaire was like that.

Thirty seconds after he walks into a room, everybody there knows all about him.

Howdy, partners. My name is Austin Beaumont,

and I own 30% of all the oil in Texas and 20% of the cattle.

And he soaked up 50% of the whiskey. That's not true.

Austin's cute.

And I've got a hunch I struck pay dirt.

Not so fast. Mr. Texas hasn't put his brand on your third finger left hand yet.

Well, give me a little time.

You know, a widower isn't as easy to land as a fish that's never felt the hook.

I can't help wishing we knew more about that Wally of yours, Logo.

For instance, where did the $4 million come from?

What difference does it make? We know where it's going. Community property.

You mean I have to share his property with the whole community?

Hello?

Oh, hello, Austin.

Yes, your little girl is here.

I'll... Oh.

All right, Austin.

Bye.

He's downstairs in the lobby, and he's bringing you a big surprise. A surprise? Oh,

yippee. Oh, I wonder what it could be.

Oh, I hate surprises. By the time I get them,

I have a headache from trying to guess what they'll be. Well,

it can't be a herd of cattle, an oil well, or downtown Dallas.

The elevator's too small.

Maybe it's a mink coat.

Oh, he doesn't know her size. Well, I could always have myself altered to fit it.

Oh, I gotta stop guessing.

I'm getting a headache.

Oh, how do I look? Like a million dollars. Don't say that. In Texas,

that's the way you look when you're sick.

I told him I liked midget cars.

Howdy, gals.

Howdy, Austin. Where did you go and spend all that money on you bad boy?

Honey, what I brought you didn't cost me a penny. Now, close your eyes.

All of you.

Open your eyes.

Gee, I never heard of a midget car with a chauffeur to match. What was that?

Oh, nothing, Austin.

Is this your little boy I've heard so much about?

Yes, siree. Ladies, may I present my son, Austin Beaumont, Jr.

Hello, Austin. How do you do, Austin?

He's feeling a mighty ornery because the man wouldn't let him run the elevator.

Say hello to the pretty ladies, Junior.

My foot hurts.

Well, you shouldn't have kicked the elevator man so hard.

Now say hello to the ladies. Don't you think they're pretty?

They're okay. Kind of skinny, though.

Ain't he the little joker? Right in there is the kitchen.

You go on in there and help yourself to a glass of milk.

I want to talk to Aunt Greta and her friends.

He's a fine boy, but I'm afraid he's spoiled rotten.

You're not going to have an easy time with him.

We're not.

What do you mean, Austin?

I've got to go up to Canada over the weekend,

and I was just about ready to call the agency to have

them send over a governess to take care of Junior,

when suddenly I got the bright idea.

Austin, I said to myself,

why don't you let the boys spend the weekend with Greta and her friends?

Oh, gee, we'll have lots of fun. I'll let him read my comic books.

It's all good, clean literature.

Oh, I think it's a fine idea, Austin. You're leaving your boy with us.

Yep, come to me right out of the blue. I wish that blue would keep its mouth shut.

In a way, it's kind of a test, honey.

Test? Well, you see, the main thing I'm looking for

in a wife is somebody who can handle that boy.

Now, he's a skittish little bronco, and what I want to see is,

can you throw a saddle on him and ride him

around the corral? Do you follow me, honey?

Well, I'm sort of limping along behind. There he is.

Which do you like best, Junior? Bugs Bunny, Captain Wonder, Superman,

or little Lulu?

That stuff bores me.

I'm reading more but Dick.

Junior, that's no way to talk about Dick Tracy.

Are you kidding?

I can see where Junior and Loco are going to get

along just fine. Oh, sure. I just love children.

There's something about them that's so, well...

Childish.

Yeah, I think so, too.

Well, goodbye, son. Now, you can be a good boy

and do what your Aunt Greta tells you to.

Keep a tight rein on him, but don't hit him.

Except if he hits you first.

See you Monday, son. Can I bring you anything?

No, thanks, Pop.

On the way down, just kick the elevator man for me.

Well, so long, Brenna, Mark, Loco. Bye, Austin. Now you go right to bed, you hear?

Goodbye, girls. Just keep a list of the busted furniture.

I'll reimburse you. See you on Monday.

You forgot your overnight bag.

Well, goodbye, everybody.

Well, you finish your milk, little man, and we'll go betty-bye.

You wanna bet?

Tell me again how Richie's father is. 30% of the oil, 20% of the cattle,

15% of the real estate. Okay, that'll do for now.

Stick by to give me another shot.

All right, Junior. There'll be no nonsense.

It's your bedtime, and you're going to bed.

If you pick me up, I'll kick you.

But you've got a sore foot. Okay, I'll bite you.

I think he's had too many vitamins.

Look, Junior, if you don't behave, I... 30%

of the oil, 20% of the cattle... Okay, okay.

Now, Junior, remember, Santa Claus is watching you. Ha-ha.

Don't make me laugh. There's no Santa Claus. Gee, smart.

I didn't find that out till I was 12.

I want to drop some bags full of water out the window.

Bags full of what?

You could kill somebody. Yeah, if you're lucky enough to get a direct hit.

No bags full of water.

All right now, be a good soldier and march right off to bed.

Well, okay.

Jim, but first I want to watch some television. That's out.

The television set is in the repair shop and

won't be back for three days. I can wait.

Oh, that's silly. By that time, the program will be over. I mean, look at you, Jim.

A good little soldier has to take orders.

Go to bed! So?

I'm a bad soldier.

It's a good thing General Washington didn't hear you say that.

It sure is.

If he had, I'd be dead over 100 years. Wait.

30% of the oil, 20% of the cattle, 50% of the oil, 50% of the cattle,

50% of the oil. Oh, dear.

I'm gonna read my comic books in the bedroom.

Call me when dinner's ready.

And it better be good.

I thought he didn't read comic books. Well, that's a favor to me.

It's one I didn't understand, and he's gonna explain it to me.

Girls, have I got news. What?

Regan the cop in the park told me who Wally Murcott is. Are you ready? Go.

Number one man with the rackets.

Brackets? He's a tennis champ? No, baby doll. He's the last of the red-hot mobsters.

The police department stays up late at night trying

to figure out ways to surround him with iron bars. Are you sure?

They tell me he rates three pages in Who's Hoodlum.

Well, is Regan positive? Cross his nightstick and hope to die.

What am I gonna do?

It's very simple, local. You're gonna give Mr.

Murcott back his four-carat marble and tell him you don't want to play.

Aw, gee.

Aw, gee.

Honey, when you walk down that aisle, do you want to say, I do, or not guilty?

Never did anyone want anything so bad for so long.

So...

So long.

I want the receipts from the nightclub taken to the bank every day from now on.

Understand? Right, boss.

Hello?

Hello, baby.

Wally, you remember those three children we were going to have?

Well, could you see a way clear to having them without me?

What?

That means she can't marry you, and she's sending your ring back.

What's this all about?

Well, I'm very sorry, Wally, but you see, you're very nice and rich and all that,

but when a girl gets married, she wants to take a man's name, not his number.

She doesn't want machine guns marked his and hers.

You'll change your mind.

A couple of wise gals.

What are you gonna do?

Just pull a few strings.

But, Mr. Whip-Trip, I don't understand.

Only Thursday you said I was the best model you ever photographed, and the fastest.

Remember? It was when you were chasing me around the camera.

Then there must be some reason you can't just... Mr. Winthrop?

Mr. Winthrop?

Heck and double darn. What's the matter, honey?

That was Mr. Winthrop from the agency.

I was fired.

Fired? But why? He couldn't tell me.

Couldn't tell you? Of all the nerves.

What are you doing home so early? Well,

there are several words that fit the occasion.

Sacked, canned, bounced, or fired.

Put them all together and they spell unemployment insurance.

You too?

What do you mean, me too?

Don't look now, but that blonde ahead of you in the unemployment insurance line,

it's local. You got fired?

Just now, over the phone. Oh.

You know, there's something fishy going on around here,

and I've got a hunch the fish's name is Wally Murcott. Wally?

Mike, you don't... Oh, he couldn't.

Well, don't worry. I've still got my job. And believe me, Mr.

Murcott isn't going to find it so easy to intimidate the brokerage firm of Michaels,

Lord, Katz, Hinchcliffe, and McGee.

He probably wouldn't even be able to remember them all.

If Mr. Murcott tries anything with those fellas, you know what'll happen?

I'll be fired. Really, Greta? I'm afraid.

Hello?

Yes, she is.

Who's calling, please?

Oh, just a moment.

It's Mr. McGee. I can't talk.

She can't come to the phone right now. Is there any message?

Uh-huh.

I see.

Thank you.

Call them Monday, and they'll be glad to give you a letter of recommendation.

You know, I've got a feeling we're up against a very tough fella.

Whatever Wally wants, Wally gets.

His name should be Lola.

If there were just some way we could make him change his mind about wanting Loco.

I know, but how?

Well...

Junior's waiting for me in the lobby, and if I don't take him riding,

he'll start digging his spurs into the doorman.

Yes?

Who?

Oh, yes, thank you.

Mr. Murcott and company are on their way up.

Well, that figures. The criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.

Well, I'll leave you two to handle the big monster

while I leave to handle the little one.

Hey.

I think I've got it.

Well, there's an awful lot of it going around.

That's it. What is it, Mike? Oh, there's no time to tell you. Listen,

when Wally gets here, you tell him you've changed

your mind and you do want to marry him.

That beautiful brain has gone off the track.

Now you just do as I say, and when I get back, you play along with me.

I don't know what she's talking about. That makes two of us.

In fact, I think that makes three of us.

You think I should tell Wally I want to marry him?

Well, we might as well play along. What have we got to lose?

Now, just keep calm. We might as well give Mike a chance.

Well, there's winking and blinking.

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Nod?

Where was your friend Mike going in such a hurry?

Oh, she had a date with a horse.

Well...

Anything interesting been happening to your girls lately?

Well, nothing that would come as a surprise to you.

I would like to congratulate you on your efficiency.

Also on your forthcoming marriage.

Wally, I've decided to marry you after all.

What made you change your mind?

I don't know. She didn't have time to explain.

Oh, nothing, Wally. Her mind was wandering.

Oh, that's what I love about Lopez. Don't you worry, honey.

I'll make you very happy.

Well, hi, everybody.

Mike?

You're just in time to congratulate the bride and groom.

I know, Wally, and I think it's wonderful.

Loco, I think you can tell him now.

If he really loves you, it won't make any difference. What? Tell him what?

Wally, Loco didn't tell you, but she was married once before.

I was.

And if you don't believe me, I'd like to introduce the evidence.

Loco, is this your son?

Junior, why don't you say hello to your new daddy?

Loco, you should have told me.

A fella likes to know these things.

So does a girl.

Rocco was afraid you might not like the idea.

Well, of course I like the idea. Say,

but isn't she a little young to have a boy this old?

Well, you see, she married very early.

Yes, six o'clock in the morning. That's not what I meant.

Oh, I guess Loco just forgot to tell you. You see,

her people were sort of hillbillies.

What does this kid take after?

Well, um, he has his father's nose, and, uh, loco's mouth,

and his grandfather's hair.

Yeah, and half my finger.

Junior, why don't you go over there and, uh, tell your future daddy you're sorry?

Okay.

Are you gonna be a good father to me?

Or are you gonna be one of those guys that gets

mad when he can't put snakes in his bed?

Snakes in my bed?

It's a pretty tie.

Thank you.

Do those colors fade if it gets wet?

No, I don't think so.

I think the Egyptian. The colors are running.

What's the matter, Wally? You don't look so good.

I don't feel so good.

Oh, but you should be bursting with happiness.

You have a beautiful girl and a wonderful son. Both of them just nuts about you.

Junior, why don't you show Daddy Wally how much you like him?

To think I always wanted a son.

Oh, Junior's really nice.

Just that he's so nasty, you don't notice it.

Junior, why don't you come over here and shake

hands with Wally and let bygones be bygones?

All right, Aunt Greta.

No, no, never mind.

I'm still shaking from the last time...

I won't, but I promise.

Well, that does it.

Loco, I just remembered. I got to leave town for a few months.

What about the wedding, Wally? Oh, I just remembered.

I promised my mother I wouldn't get married until I was 40. Yeah, and I'm only 36,

so I'll see you in four years.

Well, did we get our jobs back?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but close the door before that kid gets out.

Well, snatched from the jaws of starvation. Oh, Mike, I could kiss you.

The matter with you. In four years,

we're going to have the same problem all over again. I'll explain to you later.

Mike, how did you get Junior here to cooperate?

Oh, I forgot about that.

Junior, won't you change your mind?

Deal is a deal.

Well, I guess I can't go back on my word.

Girls, get out the paper bags and turn on the water.

Bombs away! Junior, haven't you had enough? Not yet. I missed the last two people.

You know, we're liable to get thrown out of this apartment. They wouldn't dare.

We owe them two months' rent.

Relax, girls. It'll all be over soon.

And also remember that if it weren't for this little guy dropping cold water,

we'd be in hot water. Holmes away!

Double shucks.

You know, I can't help liking the little devil.

Neither can I. You know, it's not his fault.

He's just grown up without a mother's love.

Believe me, Greta, you'll have him straightened out in no time. I sure will. Ah!

And you're all wet. Thank you. It's already been brought

to my attention. Junior, you bombed your daddy.

Go get your thing, son.

We're leaving.

Let me get a towel and dry you off, dear.

Don't bother.

I'll be dry in no time at all, because I'm getting mighty hot under the collar.

Well, now, Austin, don't be mad at the little fella.

It's not the boy I'm mad at. It's Greta.

Me?

If you can't exercise any more control over the boy than

to stand by and let him drop water off the terrace,

then you're no fit mother and no fit wife.

Tell Junior I'll be waiting for him in the lobby.

Two little millionaires, one had a gun. We got rid of him.

And then there was one.

One little millionaire. He had a son, dropped a bag of water,

and then there was none. Goodbye, Junior.

Be a good boy now. Take good care of yourself.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

Well, the weekend wasn't a total loss.

Junior graduated from kicks to kisses.

And you two graduated from wives to misses.