Original subtitles

This is the Sphinx.

For thousands of years, the enigmatic expression of

this creature has puzzled all who have passed by.

Perhaps the Sphinx knows where the Nile begins or where the heavens end.

What is the secret of the Sphinx?

I know the secret of the Sphinx.

Well, come on, lady. Give.

It's how to marry a millionaire.

What a wonderful place for your vacation, Mike.

Gay Paris.

A man in vichyssoise on every corner.

Gee, I'd like to go to Rome.

It's got everything.

The Colosseum, Sistine Chapel, Rosano Brasi.

Well...

That does it.

I have exactly $517 that I can spend on my vacation.

There goes Paris. There goes Rome.

On $517, there goes the rest of the world.

You know, Las Vegas should be full of millionaires.

Yeah, but they're all too busy gambling. And

at Lake Placid, they're too busy skiing.

And at Miami, they're too busy water skiing.

I want a place where I can get a man to sit still long enough for me to catch him.

What about a rowboat in Central Park?

You've got it!

Loco, I take back every mean thing I ever said about you.

You are a genius!

Positive genius. What'd I say? What'd I say?

Rowboat, water, cruise. Aren't millionaires always

going on cruises? That's a wonderful idea.

Loco, I step aside.

You can be Mike's maid of honor.

Gee, I'm glad you girls are so happy.

But what's so wonderful about a cruise in Central Park? Well...

There's our luxury South Sea cruise on the Stella Tahiti.

It's roughly $3,000.

Couldn't you smooth it out to around $500?

We may have to book you on the Hoboken Ferry.

Come now, don't you have anything for $500?

Hello?

Yes.

Yes.

Well, thank you.

You are in luck, Miss McCall.

We've just received a last-minute cancellation on our stellar Nassau cruise,

and I've been advised to sell passage at off-season prices.

Is it a nice room?

Yes, yes, it's on a deck.

And it comes to just $515.

Well, you've just signed a passenger. And you've got $2 left over.

I always like to leave my customers with mad money.

Now, just remember, keep your eyes peeled for

the big tippers and the diamond cufflinks.

Don't waste your time on the middle class.

Welcome aboard, ladies. May I see your reservations?

Oh, I'm the only one that's going.

Miss McCall, cabin 12, deck 8.

I never knew this ship had a deck A. This must be deck A. It should be,

but on this ship we do things differently.

This is deck F. Oh, what does the F stand for?

First deck, naturally. Now, if you'll follow me, please.

Cheer up, Mike. You may find some sunken treasure.

Well, here we are.

Deck A. Are we still above water? That's what the A stands for.

Above water.

I bet you just can't wait to see your cabin.

I can wait.

This is either the largest closet or the smallest cabin in the world.

Gosh, a cabin with wall-to-wall luggage. Well, I'll be going now.

Oh, I'd advise you to leave yourselves enough time to get ashore.

Oh, we'll have our periscopes up to see the signal.

Well, bon voyage.

Are you all right, Mike?

Fifteen minutes in a decompression chamber and I'll be as good as new.

This program sounds sensational.

Well, it should be a wonderful trip. Here's to you, Mike.

Oh, we better have some music. Excuse me, Mike.

All the shore that's going to shore, visitors will please leave immediately.

All the shore that's going to shore, visitors will please leave immediately.

Oh, and on the last night is the captain's dinner.

To you, Mike, may you come back with a smile on your face, a tan on your back,

and a ring on your finger.

Five carrots.

One for each finger.

Loco, honey, when you're drinking champagne, don't talk.

And if you feel like talking, drink champagne. Look,

I don't want to get rid of you kids, but I really think you should be going.

Oh, don't worry, Mike. They always give you plenty of warning. Sure, relax.

You know, I'm beginning to relax already.

I can almost smell the sea breeze.

I know what you mean.

I can almost feel the spray.

I was going to say you were imagining things, but you know,

I feel a little damp myself.

And she got to see moral cattle.

Girls, you like New York?

What a silly question. Of course we like New York.

We love New York.

New York's our home, and we never want to leave it.

Well, you've left it. It's not even in sight anymore.

What do we do now, Mike?

Well, I'd say the first thing is to find a nice, large tower.

Girls, I know I should be making all sorts of apologies, but I'm just plain hungry.

Well, at least eating isn't going to be a problem.

On a ship, you can order anything you want. Hello?

Give me room service, please. I know just what you girls like.

Room service?

This is Miss McCall in A12. I'd like to have dinner served in my cabin.

Oui, Miss McCord. But may I suggest order lightly,

because we are running into some very rough weather.

Oh, I intend to.

Now, I'll start out with a shrimp cocktail.

Shrimp cocktail? Good.

Vichy sauce.

And Caesar salad.

Forget the salad.

Make it a food cup.

And shop liver.

And then I'll have a T-bone steak and some broiled lobster.

Oh, and some fried chicken.

You know I hate chicken.

Forget the chicken.

Forget the chicken.

Make it lamb chop.

And then for dessert, I'll have a Napoleon.

One Napoleon and And a glass of buttermilk.

And a glass of buttermilk.

Miss McCall, how could I possibly forget your order

when you have ordered everything on the menu?

Some orange juice, a half a grapefruit, a couple

of soft-boiled eggs, some French toast.

Oh, and you better add some pancakes.

Yes, and some shredded wheat and stewed prunes.

No, you can skip the cream. You think I want to get that?

All right, Mike.

The kitchen's convinced you have a tapeworm. What happens now?

How can we meet any men if we have to stay cooped up in this state room?

We'll just have to take separate turns going on deck, as Mike McCall. Excuse me.

Don't tell me you're seasick already. No.

We're all the same height and coloring.

And with this picture hat and Loco's dark glasses,

I think we can just get away with it. Where are your glasses, Loco?

Here.

Oh, I can't see a thing. Oh, there must be something wrong with your eyes.

I can see perfectly with them.

You are Miss McCall, aren't you?

At this point, I'm not too sure.

Oh, it's you, Stuart.

Yes, well, Miss McCall, we're running a little ping-pong tournament, and Mr.

Prentiss is mine as a partner.

Oh, and who is Mr. Prentiss?

I don't know.

Could be one of those schoolteachers touring the Caribbean in search of old sponges.

Oh.

Well, not being an old sponge, I'm afraid Mr. Prentiss will have to remain minors.

I can't tell a ping-pong from a sticky wicket.

It's only me? Boy, all I ran across were school teachers looking for sponges.

Maybe you'll have better luck, Greta.

Ah, Miss McCall, there you are. I thought you went below.

Miss McCall, somehow you look a little different.

Well, I'm a very unusual girl.

I change my personality every hour.

But does your voice change, too?

Oh, well...

At noon, I play it stark and tragic.

Oh, then perhaps you've changed your mind about ping pong.

I haven't changed my mind in 15 years.

I'm mad about ping pong.

You are?

I was girls' inner scholastic chair.

Somehow, I didn't get that impression.

I'll enter you in the tournament. This will make Mr. Prentice's trip.

Yes, indeedy. Oh, it's all right.

It's your turn, Loco. But watch out for the steward.

He's trying to push everybody into ping-pong games.

I want to introduce you to your partner, Mr. Prentice.

Well, it ought to be fun playing ping pong with you.

Oh, thank you.

I... Ping pong?

Oh, I've never played ping pong in my life.

But you were interscholastic champs.

I flunked Jim.

Mr. Prentice, I'm terribly embarrassed.

Miss McCall, if I were you, I'd lie down for a while.

What's the matter with him?

Oh, never mind him. Let's talk about you.

Herbert!

What is all with you? What?

You look just like you swallowed your passenger list.

It's just that one of the passengers has made up

her mind to drive me back. You're complaining.

Oh, but there is a lady aboard this ship who's

made up her mind to give me a rapture.

This is just a launch.

Look.

It's enough for three people. Well, some passengers eat enough for three people.

Her name wouldn't be McCall. Yes.

But how did you know?

Never mind.

I'll save you a rupture and deliver this tray myself. Miss McCall?

I've brought your lunch.

Just a minute.

Hello, Miss McCall.

Hello.

You certainly got down from deck quickly.

I travel fast.

But do you travel alone?

If Napoleon had had this food for his army, Russia would be French today.

I don't think you'll find anything in your size. What are you looking for?

Just a routine search. We expect to hit an iceberg in 20 minutes.

Now, where's the flunted gym, Miss McClough?

I just had the dream, isn't there? We've got a date for tonight.

Now, isn't this cozy?

I don't know if the Greeks had a word for it,

but I'm sure the captain will have plenty. After you, ladies.

We'd been better off if they'd put us in chains.

Now I'll never be able to keep my date with Mr. Prentice.

And he's so nice and rich.

Maybe if Mike took my place down here.

Even if Mike were willing to change from a passenger to a galley slave,

she could never get past that Captain Bly.

Shh, here he comes now.

You dame's a dragon. Get that batch into the washer right away.

All right, you girls, get moving with that ironing.

Maybe we could stir up the crew and have a small mutiny.

Greta, somebody said a wig to be washed. Oh, Loco,

don't be a jerk. I feel hair. Now I feel a nose.

You almost gave me a cheat nose job.

Ike, what are you doing here?

Well, they wouldn't let me in to see you,

so I remembered how Cleopatra got to Caesar.

You've come to free me so I can meet Mr. Prentice.

No, I just got a little worried over you developing dishpan hands.

I'm developing a dishpan face. I'm very thoughtful of you, Mike,

and as long as you're here, you can change places with me. Now, just one minute,

sweetie pie. I didn't spend $515 to stick my head in that wash tub.

Of course.

You want to live a little.

But we've probably lost our jobs. And the rent isn't paid.

But we can always find bunks at the YWCA. And beg for our food.

Please.

Don't make me the heavy.

Oh, no.

We just look up to you.

You're the smartest.

And you know it isn't easy meeting a nice, wealthy man like... What's his name?

Mr. Prentice.

Mr. Prentice.

Well...

I know I'm going to hate myself in the morning, but come on.

Straight ahead there.

See?

No.

Now I see.

Tote that bar, lift that veil.

We'd be better off to land in jail.

You're a good worker, kid. I haven't seen your face for days.

Watch this one through, will you? It's a special one.

Look who better get this millionaire.

She's going to have to pay for my nervous breakdown.

Well, look who's here. It's awfully good of you to visit the help. Well,

I don't have to meet Mr. Prentice till lunch, so I thought I'd give Mike a rest.

You mean I have two whole hours to act as a passenger? Oh, don't be sore, Mike.

Everything is working out so well. They'd better be,

because we dock tomorrow and I still haven't seen the ocean.

Take these shirts to cabin F-14 and don't dally on the way.

Oh, I never dally, sir.

F-14. Here, take this to the purser's office.

What happened to my friend?

I sent her to cabin F-14. Mr. Prentiss wants his shirts in a hurry.

Mr. Prentiss!

Oh, my God!

Sorry, Captain Bly, this is mutiny.

Don't ask any questions. We've got to save a marriage.

Shirts?

Wet wash?

What are you girls doing here? This is Prentice's cabin. Now,

if you want to be his bride and not his maid, let's get out of here.

Pick up the feather, Phoebe.

Well, is this a party?

Oh, no, sir. We were just delivering your shirts.

All three of you.

Well, it's a new ship's policy. We work in teams.

I'm the supervising. Dust that, Fifi.

That's fine, before I get out of your way.

I have to get ready for a very exciting luncheon date.

I almost forgot. We just dusted Miss McCall's cabin,

and she asked me to tell you that she'd be about five minutes late for lunch.

I'd wait five years.

Well, I don't wonder. I've seen all the passengers,

and she's the prettiest girl on board. In fact,

there's nobody as beautiful as Mike McCall.

Upholster that bolster, B.B. I agree.

But after lunch, I'm afraid she's not going to want to see me anymore.

Not want to see you, Mr. Prentice?

Oh, I can't believe that. I'm afraid so.

She has some sort of idea that I'm a millionaire.

Well, you're traveling first class and tipping big.

So I am, but how do you think she's going to feel when

I tell her the truth that I've been saving ten years

to take this trip and I earn $93 a week as assistant

manager for a French hand laundry in Brooklyn?

How do you think she's going to feel about that?

You see, there's no answer.

I guess I'll go up on deck and jump overboard.

Rise, Phoebe. You've done it again.

Please don't be sore, Mike.

Why should she be sore?

She likes spending her vacation in a smelly boiler room washing dirty clothes. Oh,

gosh. Do you think Mr. Prentiss is really going to jump overboard?

Well, you better stop him.

Stop him? I'm going up and jump with him.

You know, I think Loco and I were born under a lucky star.

Our bosses had a sense of humor and didn't fire us.

My boss thinks I'm daffy.

He can't understand how I can come back from a vacation more tired than when I left.

I fell asleep three times during dictation today.

Well, I'm going.

Well, that's a sweet girl. On your way to do our wash? No, on my way to Brooklyn.

Mr. Prentiss is such a gentleman. He's offered to do our laundry free of charge.

See, the cruise wasn't a total loss.