Original subtitles

The nearest thing to a woman's heart is the fur coat resting on top of it.

There are several inexpensive ways to acquire a fur coat.

You could introduce a lady mink to a gentleman mink, and hope he's no gentleman.

You could go out hunting with the Hudson Bay Eskimos.

There's an easier way to catch a fur-bearing animal.

Oh?

How's that?

Look around for a millionaire.

And then you skin him?

Better than that.

You marry him.

I still think if we gave up this apartment,

we might have an extra dollar once in a while.

And that's all we'd have, an extra dollar once in a while.

The first lesson in economics, Greta.

To make money, you have to spend money. Exactly.

We have a quality product to sell ourselves.

So, we show ourselves in the best possible conditions. In this case, a penthouse.

Well, I hope you're right.

Cheer up. I have a feeling something wonderful is about to happen to us.

I hope it's a care package.

Well, local ought to be home from dinner soon.

What did she go out with?

I don't know. First date, but a large spender.

I told her to say she was on a high-protein

diet and order the two-pound porterhouse.

Do you think she'll bring the leftovers home to her pets?

She always does.

With any luck, there might be a French fried onion stuck to the steak.

Oh, come on in, sweetie. Don't be bashful. Besides,

they've probably gone to bed already.

Come on in. I won't hurt you.

She's gonna come in quick.

He must be something special. A first date hardly ever gets past the elevator door.

Howie!

She's sneaking him in the back door.

Set that to music, and I think we've got an act for Ed Sullivan.

I'm amazed at you, trying to listen at the door like that.

And this is so much more effective.

My, Victor, but you're a big one.

His name is Victor, and he's tall.

Lily, I know you love me. Don't run your tongue all over my face.

He needs help. He isn't saying anything. He doesn't seem to be very talkative.

I think she's kissing him.

Loco, is that you, dear?

Yeah.

Hey, come on out. I want you to meet my friend.

Oh, we're not dressed.

That's okay. He doesn't care about formalities.

Oh, Victor.

I didn't realize you were still hungry.

Here.

Good thing I saved that steak from the restaurant.

She's giving him our steak. Now look here, mister.

We've been waiting for that steak.

It's a dog.

We thought it was your date.

My date? That's ridiculous. I didn't even kiss

him goodnight. All right, out he goes.

His jockey will probably be looking for him.

Oh, but that's the sad part. I don't think he has a jockey or anyone.

He was sitting all alone in a convertible.

I know the type.

He drives around in his car, picking up girls who have steak on their bread.

Oh, I don't think he drives.

Enough, Nobo. How did it happen? Everything.

Well...

After my date left me because I didn't feel like kissing him goodnight,

Victor came inside the door with me. Then he followed me into the elevator.

I think he likes blondes.

Yeah, especially if they have a bag full of steak.

Well, that might have had something to do with it.

But like all men, first you have to get their attention.

I wonder who it belongs to. Well, it belongs to him, of course. No,

who does Victor belong to? Oh, it doesn't say.

But the caller's from Tiffany's.

How do you like that? He's been there and we haven't.

Why, can we keep him, please?

You know our lease expressly forbids dogs.

They practically jailed the lady on the fourth

floor who was trying to sneak in a chihuahua.

Well, that makes him a one-way ticket to Devil's Island.

We just can't turn him out on the street.

He's only a puppy.

Some puppy. I bet he had the house broken before he was.

I'll never give him up. Never, never, never. As long as I live.

Well, not tonight, anyway.

Well, one thing's sure. We've got to find his owner,

and I've got a hunch he's loaded.

Why?

Well, that collar must be worth $100 at least.

Besides, he looks well-fed and well-groomed.

He does look expensive, doesn't he?

By the pound alone.

Well, we can do nothing about it tonight, but tomorrow morning...

He picks up so much room. He's so good. Hello, Mommy's baby. Besides, Dad,

I don't see how we can afford to feed him.

Plus the fact that he's a hazard to navigation. Where'd you get the morning paper?

I borrowed Mr. Franklin's down the hall.

He sleeps late. Oh, the day Mr. Franklin gets up early,

we get cut off from the rest of the world. What's the news?

I'm checking the lost and found column.

Oh, here's something.

Lost a Saint Bernard.

He didn't happen to have a keg of brandy around his neck, did he?

But then he might be on the wagon.

Besides bills, what else?

There's a card from Mr. Blandish, the manager.

He'll be around today to see about redecorating.

Fine. It only took him six weeks, but he finally made it.

Oh, my gosh. Do you know what that means?

He'll be here today, and he'll be here today. And tomorrow,

we'll be out on the street.

If we could just keep him here until his owner shows up, who knows,

he may be young, good-looking, and single.

There might even be a reward.

Well, I suppose we could keep Victor a secret

if we didn't let anybody into this apartment.

Oh, don't worry about that. Come here.

No one would want to come in here anyway.

But Mr. Blandish?

Mr. Blandish?

He's on his way up.

Come on, David.

Somebody hide him, quick.

Who's got a closet that large?

I'll take him down for a walk. Besides, he wants to go out. How do you know?

A little while ago, he chewed off the doorknob.

But don't let anybody see you. They won't. I'll work it the way I did this morning.

Where did you get that?

Jessie, the elevator boy, stitched it for me. Come on, Victor.

Come on. Come on. Get the cart. Come on, Victor.

Get in, baby. Get in. Get in.

That's not good, boy. It's easy. I take the service elevator to the basement,

then go out the back door. Victor, sit.

Victor!

You know, we may have underestimated her.

All right, Victor, we're going for a nice walkie-walkie.

Now, you get right in there and be a nice doggie. Oh, Mr. Bleibisch.

I didn't expect to see you in this elevator.

Well, I wouldn't be ordinarily, but my pogo stick needs a new spring.

That's a joke, Miss Jones.

Oh, I don't know. A broken pogo stick can be plenty dangerous.

I might say that I'm surprised to see you here.

Is the other elevator out of order?

Oh, no. I just didn't think it looked right

to take laundry down the front elevator. Oh.

Are you all right?

Certain food always affects me like that.

Oh, well, you know it does me too. Isn't it a little late to be doing laundry?

It wanted to go. I mean, somebody has to.

Are you sure you're all right, Miss Jones?

Just fine.

My right leg gets a cramp if I stand in one place too long, so I'd better go.

Well, at least let me help.

I never realized sheets weighed that much.

Well, they don't.

I mean, clean sheets don't.

Dirty sheets weigh more than clean sheets.

You mean dirty sheets weigh more than clean sheets?

I never thought of it that way.

That's an interesting theory.

That was a pretty close call we had with Mr. Blandish.

It's a good thing Loco got that dog out in time.

What are you doing?

Oh, some homework for my boss.

I underline what I think he might be interested in, and then... Eureka!

What's the matter? Listen to this.

Lost, golden tan Great Dane belonging to Stanford Van Nostrum III.

Answers to the name of Victor. $300 reward! $300 for a dog.

Maybe he does have money.

Of course. Who else would advertise in the Wall Street Journal for a lost dog?

It's probably advertised in papers all over the country.

Do you know what that'll buy? Tell me. Steaks, chops, caviar. Oh, we eat.

My.

What's the matter?

We're rich. We're rich! We're rich!

We're rich! Why are we rich?

Where is he?

Well, that's what I was trying to tell you.

He ran away. He ran away.

But he's such a big dog.

He shouldn't be too hard to find.

A local in a city as large as New York? It's

hopeless. Well, what are we going to do?

Well, I don't know what you're going to do, but in about one hour, I'll be at work.

It's silly to jeopardize three good jobs on the remote

possibility that we might run into him again.

I wonder what his owner is like.

Stanford Van Ostrom III?

Oh, well, he probably wasn't a millionaire anyway.

Yeah, he probably wasn't a millionaire anyway.

Hey, where are you going?

On the other hand, there's nothing like making sure.

I never heard of the Van Ostroms. Well, neither have I,

but that doesn't mean anything. There are 20,000 millionaires in this country.

And new ones in Texas every 10 minutes.

Oh, nothing under N. Try the Vs. Oh, look under Victor.

Maybe the money's in his name.

Here it is.

Stanford Van Nostra.

Textiles. Family-owned corporation.

Personal assets.

It's in the neighborhood of two million dollars. Oh, that's a lovely neighborhood.

Definitely not the wrong side of the track. That's the use.

He's probably married, happily married. Well, why don't we find out?

I will.

What are you going to do? Call Mrs. Van Ostrom

and ask her, are you happy with Mr. Van Ostrom?

Easier than that.

Hello, is this the Van Ostrom residence?

Yes, madam.

Charles the butler speaking.

Well, this is Miss Smith of Who's Who in New York Society.

We're bringing our files up to date,

and there are a few facts I wanted to discuss with Mr. Van Nostrum.

Or perhaps you could help me.

Certainly, madam, if I may.

We don't seem to have anything on Stanford Van Nostrum III.

Could you describe him?

Let me see. He's good-looking, fun-loving.

He's a playboy and handsome.

Could you tell me, is he a bachelor?

He is?

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Definitely unmarried.

Now, do we go out and find the dog?

Please don't refer to dear Victor as a dog.

He's our passport to prosperity.

Come on.

All right, you've both got your orders.

Then we'll synchronize watches. It's 10.22.

One more question? Yes?

Where does the big hand go? All right, Madame Curie, you're in business.

This is Operation Great Dane.

Our objective, to reconnoiter and capture one dog. Check.

Somewhere in these asphalt canyons,

our introduction to a million dollars is wandering around sniffing in garbage cans.

If we find those garbage cans, we really eat.

Well, you know what I mean. Let's go.

Maybe we should try Danish restaurants first. No,

we'll do it according to this diagram.

Now, Greta, you start south.

Loco, you head north through the park, and I'll go west.

We'll rendezvous back at the apartment at four o'clock.

Now, everybody got their dog whistles?

I can't hear anything.

Well, that's funny. I can.

Here, Victor.

He ran away from home. He's a dog.

If he left you, lady, he certainly is.

How about you? Oh, I've tried everything.

I've looked in more ash cans than the Department of Sanitation.

I've even tried the pound.

How could anything that large disappear?

You don't think he could have been run over?

Because they probably had to shoot the car. $300 and a millionaire bachelor,

gone with the wind. It's even worse than that.

We'll probably have to go out and look for Loco.

I found him! I found him!

Where did you find him?

Oh, I had a terrible time. He was so stubborn he wouldn't come. Finally,

a nice policeman helped me get him into a taxi. Well, where was he?

A big brownstone house. He was sitting on the porch.

He just wouldn't budge.

Local.

Was this on Park Avenue? Yeah, how did you know?

So then this nice policeman came along and... Was this 422 Park Avenue?

Yeah, I think so.

Gee, Mike, you must be positively psychiatric. One of us, anyway.

You took Victor away from his own house. He lives there.

Then why did he come with us? All we had to do was drag him a little.

He does?

Look, what difference does it make whether we found him once or twice?

I say let's take him back to Stanford, Van Ostrom III, and get our $300.

I've got a better idea.

We're not going to accept that reward.

Well, I'm glad you feel that.

What?

This is the first chance we've had to do something nice for a millionaire.

How about doing something nice for us? $300 will

buy 300 T-bone steaks. Even at today's prices.

I'm hungry.

Millionaires are attracted to girls who don't seem to care about money. Now,

we want to marry a millionaire. I say go for broke.

I don't know. 300 bucks is 300 bucks.

And two million dollars is two million dollars.

Why be little hogs?

When we can be big ones.

Okay.

But we've got to speak to him directly.

Loco, why don't you try?

How do I look?

Great, fine.

What's his name again? Oh, I remember.

Hello? Is Stanford Van Ostrom the third there?

Who may I say is calling?

I'm an old friend.

Well, at the moment, it's rather inconvenient.

What is he doing?

At the moment, he's sailing his boat.

Well, it is very important.

No, I'll call back. Thank you.

Guess what? He's got a yacht!

I always did go for the saltwater type. He ought to be home by now.

Yeah, why don't you try, Mike?

But insist that Stanford Van Ostrom come over here himself.

All right. I don't understand. This used to be an unlisted number.

Hello?

Yes, this is the Van Nostrum residence.

Stanford Van Nostrum III.

The master is busy clipping coupons.

He doesn't like to be disturbed when we're clipping coupons.

Oh, well, don't disturb him. He's clipping coupons.

I wonder if you could give him a message.

Would you tell him that Victor is safe and sound?

We have him.

Victor is safe?

Yes.

That's good news indeed. The master's been terribly upset.

If you can bring Victor over right now, I'll have a check for $300 waiting for you.

Oh, thank you, but we couldn't possibly accept the reward.

We really have no use for it.

Very kind of you.

I'm sure Mr. Van Nostrum would be pleased to hear that.

However, we would like to make certain that it is Victor.

Could he come over himself and identify him?

Well, yes, I think that can be arranged.

Where are you?

Thank you.

He'll be right over.

French champagne.

And I was saving it for my trousseau.

Relax, honey. After tonight, you may be able to buy France. Oh,

he certainly will be glad to get you back.

Yeah, he'll probably break down and cry like a child.

I wonder which one of us he'll go for. Well, it really doesn't matter.

One millionaire has other millionaires for friends.

If we get one, we'll get the others.

That's right.

To the victor belong the spoils. To the spoils belong the victors.

Where he is now?

Now, don't be nervous.

Oh, Victor, I never thought I'd see you again.

You're Stanford the Third.

Thank you for finding my dog.

And your father is Stanford the Second?

And Grandpa's Stanford the First.

He started it all. Before I faint, would you mind answering me one thing?

Yes? Are you sure you're not a jockey?

You see, we expected you to be older.

Oh, you probably thought I was Harold.

Harold?

My big brother.

He's grown up.

Oh, you don't say. And what does Harold do?

He's a captain. Just came home on leave.

Does he like girls?

Yeah, and the girls are crazy about him, too.

He sounds very interesting.

We'd like to meet him sometime.

Oh, you will. He's picking me up pretty soon.

Well, I've heard of opportunity knocking,

but this time it's practically breaking down the door. I'm so excited. Well, relax.

We're three attractive girls.

One of us can't land him, I'll eat that tablecloth.

Oh.

Oh, there he is.

Welcome to the Clover Military Academy.

At your service, ma'am. You ready, Sandy?

Well, don't just sit there. Go get the ketchup.