Original subtitles

This is perhaps the most exclusive country club in the whole world.

You must show a bank balance of a million dollars

before you can be considered for membership.

There is absolutely no other way to get in.

You can't bribe your way in, you can't tunnel your way in,

you can't shoot your way in.

Oh, there's a way to get in.

Is that so, lady?

How?

You can marry your way in.

Nail's here. Good.

Hello?

Oh, Burke's Department Store?

No, there's nothing like hearing from Burke's Department Store

at 8.30 in the morning.

No, this is her secretary. Oh, a terrible thing has befallen Miss McCall.

She has scarlet fever and she's been quarantined for six weeks,

so I'm afraid you'll just have to wait for your check.

You wouldn't want us to contaminate the United States' mails, would you?

Now, let's see.

The foam company thinks you have pneumonia, the gas company measles,

and now scarlet fever. You're gonna run out of diseases, Mike.

Not while there's a bill around we can't pay.

Besides, I'm saving beret-beret for the landlord.

Oh, if only one little millionaire would come along

into our sights and settle all our debts.

Well, maybe we should lower our sights a little.

Suppose we met a perfectly divine man who only

had half a million. Only half a million?

We couldn't afford him.

Oh, there's nothing like receiving a calendar from

Underwood Mortuary so early in the morning.

Twelve celestial portraits of Doria Drake.

You know, I've been hearing that name quite a lot lately. Who is Doria Drake?

Mike, you must have seen her in the subway ads.

Eat all the candy you want and your teeth will be whiter than mine.

For skin is soft and as smooth as a snake's.

Be sure to use tissues like Doria Drake.

And our guest this morning is that fabulous new personality, Doria Drake.

Now by transcription, this is your guest, disc jockey Doria Drake.

Allow me.

Is there no escaping that little nitwit? Well,

that little nitwit was wrapping packages six months ago,

and she'll probably make about $600,000 before the year is up.

Oh, boy, it's obvious she had friends in high places, not like us.

She had no one. She just got the bright idea to hire Jack Connors, that's all.

You mean that fast-talking press agent who's always getting someone to swim the

channel on one leg or trying to prove that eating

mud is healthier than spinach? Oh, no.

Well, you can laugh all you want to, but he succeeds.

He can get anybody to believe anything.

I wish he could make some lonely millionaire believe

that we're just what he's been waiting for.

You know, I bet little Doria's bank account wasn't swollen when she went to see him.

Where does this high and mighty character hang out?

The Club 94, naturally. Where else?

Then that is where we are all going tonight.

If he can saturate the airwaves with that insipid little voice,

then he's just the man to get us a millionaire.

No wonder they call this place the Club 94. It probably costs $94 just to sit down.

Have you figured out which one is Connor's yet?

Garcon.

Mademoiselle snapped her fingers.

Mademoiselle wanted service.

In the Club 94, one need but gently raise their eyes.

There is no need for violence.

All right, my eyes are raised.

Now, would you kindly point out Mr. Jack Connors to me?

Mr. Connors is sitting in that booth, alone.

Okay.

Yeah?

Well, then would you tell Mr. Connors that we'd like to speak to him?

We just want to make him a proposition.

What she means is that we have some business to discuss with him.

That's quite impossible. Mr. Connors insists on dining in privacy.

Now, may I please have your orders?

We'll all have tomato juice, won't we, girls?

Just tomato juice?

Yes.

After him, Connor should be easy.

Now, which one makes the first approach? Well, that's easy.

Who's the sweetest, the cuddliest, and the most innocent of us all?

Oh, that's no fair. I'm no good at guessing games. Just the same.

You go over to Mr. Conner's table and don't come back without him.

Well, just steer me in the right direction, then.

Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, tell him I'll call him back tomorrow.

Mmm. My, that looks yummy. I just love chicken croquettes.

This is an apple dumpling. Oh, so it is.

You're Jack Connors, aren't you?

Yeah, and you're from Oshkosh or Tuscaloosa,

and everybody says you're the most beautiful girl in town.

You should be in the movies or be on Broadway. All you need is one little break.

Now you want a press agent, but you haven't got the money to spend,

so you come to me thinking, and you, I will see another Dorian Drake.

Why don't you go back to Oshkosh or Tuscaloosa?

But I come from North Platte.

Good, I just heard a blast over the radio. It said,

all citizens of North Platte return home immediately.

Goodbye, Mr. Connor.

He's even more loco than I am.

Well, Greta, it's your turn.

I think the number two approach.

Pardon me, boy, is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?

Trap 29, boy, you can give me a shine.

Can you afford to board the Chattanooga choo-choo?

I've got my fare, and just a trifle to spare.

Well, I've done what I set out to do, Mr. Connors. I've gotten you to notice me.

Now, if you'll give me just a few minutes of your time,

there's a business matter I'd like to discuss with you.

All right, sit right down.

Well, thank you very much.

Perfectly all right. I was just leaving anyhow.

But Mr. Connors! Why is it every dame in town thinks she's another Doria Drake?

Excuse me.

Here's for that crummy night in Omaha. Crummy night in Omaha?

I've never even been in Omaha.

Neither have I, but I had to find a way to get you over here, didn't I?

Now, may we have a few minutes of your time?

Looks like I'm in Shanghai.

Well, we'll try and make it as comfortable for you as we can. Say,

why don't we go to our place?

Yeah, if I said no, I'd probably wake up dead in some alley.

And so we felt that with you promoting us,

one of us would be bound to land a millionaire.

I don't know. I've done everything from making

the American public feel that some cows

have got sex appeal to the fact that if you don't have Z-109 in your toothpaste,

your teeth will fall out. But getting a girl married,

that's something I never tried.

Then you don't think you can do it?

Me not do it? Look, one of you girls consider yourselves as good as married already.

Hey, and I know just the guy.

Oh, but can he keep us up in the style to which we have not been accustomed?

Look, I get your problem, and it's not an easy one, so I like it. Look,

have you girls ever heard of a fella called Emil Braganza?

Is he in Dun & Bradstreet?

He's supposed to be so rich that Dun & Bradstreet go to him for credit.

You know, he owns Brazil, and I understand he

is now dickering for Paraguay. How do we know?

Hmm, that's easy. You see, tomorrow night,

he's guest of honor at a big dinner party being given for him by that, uh,

Rich Society Day, Mrs. Larimer, over at Club 94.

Ooh, to celebrate his purchase of Paraguay?

No, no, it's a kickoff for a foundation to encourage young Latin American artists.

The joint will be crawling with photographers, newspaper men, writers,

because she is going to hand over to him a

check for $100,000. Will we have to, Mambo?

No, but I gotta think of some way to get Mrs.

Larimer to invite you girls over to her table.

Oh, fine. Will you have to use a gun or a flamethrower?

No, nothing as lethal as that.

You see, Mrs. Larimer collects celebrities like... like Blue Surge collects lint.

Well, since we don't happen to be lint, what can we come as?

Hmm, let's see, what's big this year?

Italian movie actresses are on the way out, Polish countesses are a dime a dozen,

and being the daughter of a coal miner is getting to be a big bore.

So what's left?

Yeah, what is left?

What's left?

What is it that goes on year after year? What is it the public never gets tired of?

What is it that epitomizes glamour and chic?

French poodles? No, a Middle European sister act.

Hey, look, you think you girls could pull it off?

I love a deposit for Zoom.

Middle European?

Boy, do you need rehearsal.

That still doesn't solve how we get ourselves invited to Mrs. Larimore's table.

Look, you let me worry about that. When you girls walk in there tomorrow night,

you'll create such a stir, Mrs.

Larimore will have you over to her table before they serve the shrimp cocktails.

Now, I've got to think of a name for you girls.

Let's see. Name, name.

How about, uh, Sedania sisters? How's that sound? Sedania.

Well, that sounds fine to me.

All right, all right. You're, uh, you're Lala, you're Mala, and you're Shmala.

And you're an angel.

No, I'm no angel. It's just that I'd much rather bet on

you girls than those fillies running at Santa Anita.

And if one of you happens to nab, uh, Braganza,

I'll send you a big fat bill quicker than you can sing Here Comes the Bride.

Darling, if they love Braganza, they give you Paraguay.

Please, please, ladies and gentlemen,

I advise you to go home or to some inferior restaurant.

Even if the Queen of England came in here tonight herself,

I couldn't find a table for her.

Don't worry, girls. Jack set up everything.

One thing. Am I Mala or Shmala?

Neither.

You're Lala.

She's not. You're Lala. Local Shmala, and I'm Mala.

I'm sure you've got your signals crossed.

You're Lala, she's Mala, and I'm Shmala. Can't we just say you there?

Certainly not, and get it straight.

You're Lala, Loco is Shmala, and I'm Mala. Now let's go. Excuse me, please.

We are the Sedania sisters. Do you think you might find some room for us?

We are simply famished. Oui, oui, you bet.

The Sedania sisters, in memory of the beautiful nights

on the banks of the Danube, I welcome you.

We thank you, and we thank the banks, too.

Brothers and sisters, the best table in the place, right near Mrs. Larrymore.

Arm on, bastard, quickly, table number three.

I don't know. Things certainly have changed since last night.

And we forgot to bring along our accents last night, darling.

Only one thing. Oh, I forgot.

Am I, am I Mala or Shmala?

It is an exquisite privilege to serve the Sedania Sisters.

I hope these accommodations please you.

We have done better, but for an American bistro, this will do.

I think they are, how you say, ginger peachy.

Oh, my stomach cries for food. That is our waiter.

Immediately. They should be whipped for being so slow.

After that entrance jack-staged, I think I'll throw Brazil into that deal we made.

Don't look now, but everybody at the Larimore table is staring at us.

Lovely, lovely, lovely.

I used to look like that during the Spanish-American War.

Perhaps during World War I, Mrs. Larimore, but surely not the Spanish-American War.

Sweet, sweet, sweet.

Well, there's our man, right next to Mrs. Larimore.

Oh, it just isn't fair to be so rich and handsome.

Uh-oh. Look who's going to take our order.

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

The last one to the subway's a rotten egg.

I don't think we can get him to play along with us.

Have you ladies decided yet?

I know you've got us where you want us,

but if you could pretend that you've never seen us before.

Never seen you?

Who has not seen the fabulous Sedania sisters?

For six hours I stood sopping in the rain,

just waiting to get a glimpse of you as you entered the Royal Opera House.

Say no more, darling.

You may kiss my hand.

Emile, those girls must be important.

But they can't be.

I feel sure I've met all the important people in the world. The Cedeno sisters.

I haven't seen you since, uh, the Trieste Maneuvers.

I can't stand it. A rare admiral. Do you suppose those girls are in the Navy?

Oh, Maharaja, will we ever forget the beautiful moonlight on the Ganges?

It was almost as beautiful as the day you received your bait in American dollars.

This must be the place.

Who are those girls? I'll get a psychosomatic rash if I don't find out.

You don't know the Sedania sisters? The toast of Europe?

The Sedania sisters?

Oh, that sister act that's always opening and closing ice boxes on television.

Oh, we've landed the big fish. You can go now.

So nice to have seen you, Maharaja. Good evening.

Ladies, I am Emil Braganza, and my hostess, Mrs. Larimore,

would be most honored for the famous Sardinian sisters to join our party.

We would be delighted. When in America, we like to mingle with Americans.

We will join you in just one moment.

I am so happy. The evening is a success. Adios.

Bingo, we made it. Oh, let's go. I see oodles

of champagne on their table. Not so fast.

We better have a little discussion. You've almost given us away all evening.

Loco, I'm afraid you're just not the continental type.

From now on, no matter what anyone says to you, have one answer. No speak English.

No speak English?

But I do speak English.

Not tonight.

Now, I don't care what happens. You just say, no speak English.

Now, is there anything else you want to ask?

No speak English.

There you are, Louie.

Thank you, Mr. Connors.

Thank you, Louis. Ah, here. Did you write them out, Herman?

Wonderful. Just great. Thank you. For visitors,

you girls seem very much at home in America.

No speak English.

Then shall we try French? German?

Or Italian.

I speak them all fluently.

No, no, they make a solemn pact only to speak English in America.

How wonderfully democratic of you. Don't you feel isolated, dear?

No speak English.

I know you don't speak, I mean...

I know you don't speak English, but how do you communicate?

Suppose you got bitten by a mad dog on Fifth Avenue,

and you needed a rabies shot. What would you say?

No speak English. Everybody speaks English.

You just have to find a chic night school.

Perhaps I could be your instructor.

We might start on the dance floor.

May I have this dance?

No speak English.

He wants to dance with you, darling. You know, polka, mazurka, chardash.

What a charming man. Will he be in town long? Oh,

the foundation's sure to keep him here many months.

And from the way he's taken to Shmala... Or is it Mala?

Or is it Lala? Well, anyway, you're sure to see a lot of him.

Charming. Charming, charming, charming.

Camille, I must see you.

Once.

Alone, if I may. Certainly.

I said I wanted to see you alone. I'm as good as alone.

Emile, you've been drinking and you've probably been talking.

Oh, I've been talking, but she cannot understand one word of English.

Watch.

You bleach your hair and the dark roots are showing through.

Don't speak English. You see?

A perfect little vacuum.

Satisfied?

Okay.

It's all arranged for the bank to cash the check in the morning,

but there's been a slight change of plans.

I've canceled the plane reservation because they can be checked. Instead,

a chartered plane will take off at 6.

And if all goes well, we'll be treating our sunburns in Cuba the next morning.

Just make sure to bring plenty of lotion, huh?

And now, my dear, I know you must be very bored listening

to just an ordinary one of the middle swindle.

How about you and me waltzing off alone to my apartment, eh?

Speak English.

Wonderful. She wouldn't even be able to call for help.

Thank heaven for this breather. I was running out of accents.

But it sure is working. Emil seems to really go for Loco. Yeah.

Well, Loco, what are you doing here? How could you leave Emil? I don't know.

English. Oh, you can speak. Nobody can hear us.

Have you gone local?

How would you like to be slapped on the head all night,

told that you bleach your hair and that you're a...

Yes.

Perfect vacuum.

Emil said all that? Well, don't let it worry you, honey.

This is the way some men express their love. There won't be much time for love.

He's leaving for Cuba. Some creepy man came up

and told him he'd arranged to cash the check,

and he chartered a plane that couldn't be traced,

and they'd be using sunburn lotion in the morning.

He's a crook! Who's a crook?

You know, like in those comic books you're always reading.

Come on!

Now that we're all here, I want to make my little tribute to those dear artists

west of the border. South of the border? South of the border. The favorite song.

Here, Anil, is my check for $100,000.

Just one minute, Joe.

This man is a swindler. He was going to turn off with your money. Oh,

that's so silly, girls. Things like that only happen in French movies.

Schmala was listening when he was scheming.

But Schmala no speak English.

No, Schmala no speak English.

Well, it doesn't speak English. I'm sorry, Mrs. Larimore,

but we're just three American girls trying to break into the right circles.

But we're not crooks.

All right, Loco, go ahead and show them you can speak English.

Mr. Braganza.

I heard everything, and I have only one thing to say to you.

I don't bleach my hair.

And I just thought of another thing. Help! Police!

Poor Emile. I don't know why I feel sorry, but he reminds me of my first husband.

The one who made all the money.

I guess we've done enough to spoil your evening, Mrs. Larimore.

We'll be on our way. But girls, I'm not angry with you.

You saved me all that money. I'm in your debt.

Really? I think it's most ingenious and wise of you to want to land a millionaire.

You do? Every girl should have one.

I'll try to help you.

You will? I know only millionaires. There's just one thing, though.

I'm sailing for Europe tomorrow.

I'll be gone about two years. But don't let that disturb you.

Oh, we're not disturbed.

Because you'll always be welcome at my shooting box in Scotland,

my villa at Cairns, my chalet at St. Moritz. How does that sound?

Like pure paradise.

But in the meantime, could you loan us a dollar and a quarter per taxi fare home?