Original subtitles

This is a yacht, 85 feet of luxurious splendor,

costing over a thousand dollars a foot.

Now, how does the average person acquire one of these?

Well, you could save your money for a hundred years.

You might win the Irish sweepstakes,

or maybe you'll discover uranium in your backyard.

Excuse me, there's another way to get the money.

How's that, miss?

You can marry it.

Now, this is a book you really hate to put down.

Don't tell me how it ends. I want to read it myself.

You know, I never realized how many wealthy men there are in this country.

Look at that. Four million dollars? Yeah.

Two million? Mm-hmm.

Even the footnotes are loaded. If a fellow only makes 100,000,

you have to look him up in the Yellow Pages.

Gosh.

Well, Captain Wesley just discovered this uranium mine worth zillions, see, and...

Oh, he isn't a real person.

Shucks.

I thought we had a live one.

I'm beginning to wonder if any of these millionaires are real.

I sure wish one of them would come along before he

has to whisper sweet nothings into my ear trumpet.

Yeah.

I'm beginning to think millionaires don't like girls.

Honey, if they didn't, there wouldn't be any John D. Rockefeller Jr.

We've had this fancy penthouse for weeks now,

and it's costing practically every penny the

three of us can make just to pay the rent.

I know we have to keep up a front.

And we all agreed that we needed a place like this to attract the right kind of men.

Money goes for money.

Well, right now, I have 43 cents that would like

to go steady with anything over a half a dollar.

Oh, look, kids, we've just got to be patient.

Would you rather be back in that walk-up on Amsterdam Avenue

going out with two-bit characters every night?

Like your friend Logo, that Eddie, always talking about his yacht.

Did you ever see it? Sure.

One night he let me row it across the lake in Central Park.

That's what I mean. And I won't even talk about Harry,

that smooch-happy gas pump jockey you went with.

Yeah.

All I ever got out of him was a cracked rib and a drawer full of green stamps.

I wish we had them now.

We need a new toaster.

I've had it with these big sports, like that good-time Charlie I went with.

He hated to spend a dime for car fare because he didn't want to break 11 cents.

You're right, Mike. You bet I am.

Just you wait.

One of these days, we're gonna hit it big.

I can just see myself walking into an automobile showroom, and I'll say, uh, oh,

let me have four, assorted.

That's one for each direction. That's for just parking in front of the house.

And then to go shopping, I'll call a cab.

Sounds wonderful, but me, I want to travel.

I want to see the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

The casino at Monte Carlo.

And of course, one just can't leave Europe without

stopping off to see the bullfights in Madrid. Hey, Toro!

Olé!

Olé! Ouch!

Oh, Loca, why don't you wear your glasses? There's no men around.

Who ever heard of a bull wearing glasses?

Bulls, I'm hungry.

Well, now that I'm rolling in money, what will it be?

Cocktails at the Cloisters, truffles at the Troika, caviar at the Kit Kat.

It'll be cold cuts in the kitchen.

I suppose I'm elected to go to the delicatessen again. Honey, when Mr.

Schwarzkopf looks at you, he forgets how much money we owe him.

One smile from you and he gets that old sinking feeling in his chopped liver. Well,

I'll try, but I don't know if he'll give us any more credit.

Oh, wait!

Put on your glasses.

No, Greta, I don't want... Put them on.

We don't want you winding up in Kansas City. All right. Bye.

Hey, where's the fire? Where's the fire? Did you ring the alarm?

Where's the fire? Where's the fire?

Stand back, everybody. Stand back.

Well, where is the fire?

What fire? All I did was ring for the elevator.

All you did was ring for the elevator. Well, that's a silly place to put it.

Sorry, folks. False alarm.

This is the elevator button.

Oh.

First floor, please.

When the manager hears about this, he'll have kittens. At least.

Oh, I wouldn't be too concerned about it. Accidents will happen, you know.

Well, it's very nice of you to say that.

We had a similar incident with the elevator at the country house.

You have a country house with an elevator?

Well, that is the Van Cleave's do.

I'm just a butler.

I'm back. Hi. Just put the things in the kitchen.

Hi.

Hi.

I see our credit is still triple A, as we say in Wall Street.

Then we better find a delicatessen down there. What? Mr.

Schwarzkopf won't give us a thing till we pay what we owe.

Well, how did you get all the food?

That cute gentleman was kind enough to lend me the money.

Say, what does he look like?

I never really noticed. I mean, does he look like he's rich?

I'll tell you in a minute.

I, uh, stole one of your pickles.

The answer is no, unfortunately.

How much do we owe him?

Well, I was close. Well, we'll leave the money

for you with Mr. Schwarzkopf, and thanks a lot.

Oh, that's all right.

And now, if you'll excuse us... Oh, but I... We have plans.

You bet we do. Oh, wait, Mike. I invited him to stay and have a bite with us. Now,

local, you shouldn't have imposed on him.

He probably has an engagement for this evening.

No, no, I have my thing to do.

Now, you see, he was just being gracious about it.

Thanks again, Mr., uh... Uh, Brookman.

Tom Brookman.

It's been a pleasure, Mr. Brookman. Call us sometime.

But I don't know your number.

It's in the book. But I don't know your name.

That's in the book, too. Nice boy, but a gas pump junkie if I ever saw one.

Loco, why did you have to bring him up here? Well, he sounded so nice. Well, sure,

honey, but that's just not the kind of man we're

looking for. Can't you remember, Loco?

The man we want needs only two qualifications. Have money, will marry. I know.

But after he was kind enough to pay for those groceries, well,

I think you should have given him a rain check on that dinner.

Local, we don't hand out rain checks around here.

When the right man comes along, he gets a season ticket. I'll take it.

And if it's that character again, so help me out.

Listen, you... Oh!

Good afternoon.

Oh, Mr. Blandish, won't you come in?

Thank you. Good afternoon, ladies.

Don't tell us the rent is due again.

Oh, no, I'm not here to collect the rent.

I just came up to see if there's anything wrong.

What should be wrong?

Well, Mr. Brookman passed me in the lobby, and he muttered something about...

Three screwballs, an apartment G. Oh, him.

Listen, if he ever shows up here again... You know him?

He used to own the building.

What?

Oh, I don't think we're talking about the same person.

This fella had on no tie, an old wrinkled jacket.

That's Mr. Brookman.

You know, a lot of people are deceived by his attire.

I don't understand it myself, but I suppose with all these many enterprises,

his oil wells in Oklahoma, the ranches in Texas...

Ranches and tech.

Racing stable?

Racing stable.

I guess he just doesn't have time to go to a tailor.

I told you he was cute. Quiet, I'm concentrating.

I don't know whether to drown myself, throw myself out a window, or cut my throat.

Now, Mike, honey. Oh, I'll have to think of something else.

The way I've been messing things up lately, I might live. There we are. Turn around.

You know, I never really noticed it before, Mike,

but Loco has a figure very much like yours. I should

have. I'm wearing her girdles. Oh, my God!

You think the skirt is all right on this dress? It isn't too short?

Honey, a dress is never too short. Remember,

a man can't appreciate the flower of womanhood unless he can see the stems. Greta.

Okay. Now, you remember where the Brookman building is? Yes,

but I still think you should be the one to go apologize to Mr. Brookman.

You threw him out. Right, and I'm afraid he might return the favor.

He likes you, loco. Didn't he pay for your groceries in the delicatessen?

Maybe I just look good to him next to all those cold

cuts. Silly! You've got looks, youth, charm.

And make sure you use them all, because our future is in your hands.

Remember, it's one for all and all for one. Okay.

You can depend on me.

Hiya, Mr. Brookman.

Oh, hiya, Longshot.

Hiya, Plunger.

Almost forgot it's Saturday again. Yeah, that day is here.

Well, here you go, fellas.

Thanks, Mr. Brookman. We can sure use it.

Got a good thing going in the dirt in Santa Anita.

You ought to get on it, Mr. Brookman.

No, thanks.

You know, I'm beginning to think your horse has only run

on the days the milk company doesn't make deliveries.

Oh, we're going to hit it one of these times.

Had an eight-horse parley at Hialeah Thursday, and it just missed. Yeah?

What happened? The first horse ran out.

Come on.

Oh, Mr. Brookman, I'm so glad I bumped into you.

I want to apologize for what happened this afternoon.

Well, what did happen? I'm still confused.

Well, see, my girlfriend, Mike, thought you were someone else.

She didn't know you were you because you didn't look like you.

So she didn't really throw you out because you

weren't yourself. Do I make myself clear?

Are you feeling all right?

Maybe you need a doctor.

You don't understand.

If I did understand, I'd need a doctor. Thanks anyway. It was nice seeing you.

Won't you come over for cocktails later? Mike can explain everything much better.

Afraid I'm busy.

Well, at least call her up.

The number is Plaza 3-5-0-9-9. You can look it up in the phone book.

Excuse me.

You're friends of Mr. Brookman's, aren't you?

Oh, yeah. We're old buddies.

Business associates, perhaps?

Well, you can say we had quite a few financial transactions with him.

You're all so friendly.

Look, mister... I'm Pete the Plunger.

This is Larry the Longshot.

Hi. How do you do?

Say, how would you like to come over for cocktails this afternoon?

Well, we're... Us?

That's real nice of you, lady. We'd be glad to.

Wonderful. Delighted. It's the Tower House.

Penthouse G. And, uh, see if you can get Mr. Brookman to come along with you.

Uh, I wouldn't count on it.

Oh, please try.

Shall we say six-ish?

Swellish.

Wonderful.

Oh, in her wildest dreams, Mike never expected anything

like this. Well, that's all right, Phil.

We'll make it tomorrow night.

Yeah, don't worry about it. I'll find something to do.

Right.

Bye.

It's okay.

I've got it.

Hello?

Yes.

Why, Mr. Brookman.

Greta.

It's so nice of you to call. It's Tom Brookman.

I saw your friend a while ago.

Well, I guess you could call it an explanation, but I don't know of what.

Well, if you really feel that bad,

you could make it up by having dinner with me tonight.

Why, I'd love it.

Of course, I hate to leave my two girlfriends here alone.

Well, that would be wonderful.

He wants to bring along a couple of friends for you and Loke.

Well, fine.

Then we could all have cocktails here first.

Say six-ish?

All right.

Bye for now.

Oh, my, we've done it. Hi.

Wait till you hear the news. We just heard. Tom Brookman called.

He's bringing over a couple of friends for cocktails,

and then we're all going out to dinner.

Then it worked. I met his friends. You did? You're the greatest.

I take back all the awful things I ever said about you,

even the ones that were true. Honey, what were his friends like? You know,

it's amazing. They're just like him.

They dress funny, too.

Oh, boy.

Everything looks beautiful, Mike. Yeah. Say, how much did it cost?

I better not tell you. If I do, you'll only get a headache,

and we haven't got enough money enough to buy a bottle of aspirin. Small size.

Well, I suppose all of this is worth it.

Well, of course it is.

How else could we meet a... There they are.

This is it, girls. Synchronized last-minute adjustments.

You get it, Loco. You already know them.

I'll get the champagne.

Hello.

Good evening.

Hi.

Where's Mr. Brookman?

Oh, uh, I guess he got tied up.

Well, I suppose he'll be along later.

Come on inside. Here they are, girls.

Oh, sure.

I'd like you to meet my roommates, Greta and

Mike. This is Mr. Longshot and Mr. Plunger.

Glad to know you.

Pleased to meet you.

How do you do?

Mr. Brookman will be along later.

Won't you sit down?

Yeah, yeah.

These are Mr. Brookman's friends?

Well, they say you can't judge books by their covers.

Never mind the covers. What about those titles?

We made a mistake once before. Let's not do it again, huh?

Right.

Say, this is quite a spread.

Please help yourselves.

Would you care for some champagne?

Well, well, bubble juice.

I understand you're very close to Mr. Brookman.

How long have you known him?

Um, I couldn't say.

But it's certainly been an awful lot of Saturdays.

Uh, what line are you in?

Well, uh, we dabble in small loans.

Oh, thanks. Well, here's to you, gals.

Yeah.

Over the tonsils and around the gums.

Look out, stomach. Here it comes.

Loco, are you sure these are Mr. Brookman's friends? As sure as I'm alive.

Answer my question.

Ah, that's good.

Hey, let's put some life in this party. Let's dance. Yeah.

Turn it on, Mr. Plunger.

Come on, baby. Let's you and me torso tussle.

Hello. Hello. Here we are.

Oh, you must have the wrong apartment. Try across the hall.

Now look here, if this is supposed to be a joke... It certainly is not.

Now you stop bothering us, or I'll call the manager.

I'm sorry, fellas. I don't understand this.

Let's go down to the phone in the lobby. I'll try to find out what's going on.

Who wants Mr. Falk's alarm?

Somebody in the apartment must be having a big party. Three butlers.

I wonder what happened to Mr. Brooklyn.

Boy, this dancing sure gives you an appetite. Yeah,

and there's one thing that can satisfy it. Food.

Please don't be bashful, fellas.

Oh, we won't.

Pickle. Oh, this is real good.

I'll get it.

Got it.

Hello?

This is she.

Mr. Brookman, where are you?

I'm downstairs in the lobby.

Are you kidding? I've been trying to,

but that friend of yours keeps slamming the door in my face.

What?

Loco?

Did you slam the door in Mr. Brookman's face?

Of course not. I know Mr. Brookman when I see him. He doesn't wear a tuxedo.

Or does he? Oh, no.

Mr. Brookman, I can explain everything. Come on up.

Your two friends are here waiting.

They are? Well, that's funny. They're down here with me, too.

We're all here and... Huh?

Oh, now look, I can see them with my naked eye. They're sitting right here eating.

And eating.

These are not your friends?

But I don't understand.

Well, one of us is a candidate for the goof of the month. Girlie, you're my choice.

Oh, but Mr. Brooks...

Mr. Brookman?

Mike, what was all that about? That's just what I'm going to find out.

So, you're friends of Mr. Brookman's, huh?

Well, when a guy gives you a handout every Saturday for five years,

you wouldn't call him an enemy.

Manhandlers. Please, wear touts.

Oh, I knew it.

I knew it. Sorry, Mike, it's all my fault.

One of those days it should have quit while it was still morning.

Oh, that's all right. We're not mad.

Yeah, let's live it up.

Shall I fill your glass again?

No, I'll take it straight.

Just have it ground.

Sorry, fellas. No luck with a little black book tonight.

Hi, Mr. Brookman. Hey, what are you guys doing here?

We've been having cocktails with your friends upstairs.

You mean you're the ones who... This is beautiful.

Gee, they thought you were mad, Mr. Brookman.

They feel real sorry about the whole mix-up. And they're real nice girls, too.

Gave us all this food.

Why don't you go upstairs and straighten everything out?

Yeah, I guess I was a little rough over the phone.

What do you say, fellas? Should we give it another try?

Thanks for the tip. Come on. So long, Mr. Brockman.

Maybe it's not too late.

Maybe I can catch Mr. Brookman downstairs.

He might be waiting for a cab. I doubt it.

Anyway, after what happened, he probably wouldn't come near us with a ten-foot pole.

Not unless it had a butterfly net on the end of it.

Well, anyway, it's worth a try.

I'm going downstairs and see. But Loco!

Do you feel as badly as I do, Mike?

Much worse. You again?

Oh, no, Loco, not again. I'm sorry, Mike.

Okay, okay, where is it? You won't need that.

What's all the excitement?

Main floor, please.

Loco, I could kill you. In cold blood.

Now, now, as I said before, accidents will happen.

He's right. Now how can we make it look like an accident?