Original subtitles

I'm a baby.

Still at large.

The fugitive is known to be a... Cloudy with a 30% chance... White male.

I'm thinking, God, 180 pounds, something like that.

He had a buckle, a very large... Various body parts in his wake.

Please...

I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake. Baked a cake, baked a cake.

If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a

cake. Hot you do, hot you do, hot you do.

Had you dropped me a letter, I'd have hired a band. Brandest band in the land.

¶¶ It really doesn't matter. Grab a chair and fill your platter.

Dig, dig, dig right in.

If I knew you were coming, I'd bake the cake. Hire to band.

Goodness sake. If I knew you were coming, I'd bake

the cake. Hot you do, hot you do, hot you do.

So, Dad, what do you got working out in the backyard there?

Well, I thought I'd get some sod back there.

Since the two of you are out of the house, I can get some green a-growing.

We used to tear up that backyard pretty well, didn't we?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Remember how I used to tell you if you ever thought you could take me, let me know?

Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, you used to say that a lot.

Yeah.

What do you think?

About? I mean, I really don't think about it.

I thought about it in years, Dad. Sure, sure, sure.

Yeah.

Well, you're thinking about it now? I mean, could you?

And since you mentioned it, I don't know. We're grown adults.

You have aged considerably.

I imagine if we were properly motivated, yeah.

All right, let's go. Who wants a piece of pie with you little bastards?

Let's go right now. No witnesses.

Let's go. What is happening?

Get back in the kitchen. Nothing is here.

Let's go, all right! Who's a man, all right? Who's a man?

You better start praying to your God, because you're mine now.

I want that college money.

You owe me college money. I can't pray.

Old man!

Over here!

Oh, you want to open up that sesame seal? You want

a piece of papi? Let's go! What is going on?

Where are we done? Get in the kitchen! Don't you look at me!

Don't you look at me! You want some?

Hey, you're insane. We didn't do anything. Leave us alone. Dad, it's over, okay?

It's over. We give. It's over, all right? Nothing's over.

Nothing.

Come on. Come on.

Wiping your nose.

Changing the tubes on your dialysis machine.

Yeah, xylophone. I don't want the Jews harp. I want the xylophone.

I can't afford a xylophone.

Oh, yeah, I can hurt Steph's foot upon my ass.

Pinewood Derby. Father, son, big neck. PDA.

PDA. Oh, yeah, and you. Oh, yeah, I gotta get a tough spoon frog.

Oh, yeah.

Then I gotta turn around and tell you that it's hell.

Oh!

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Are you all right?

You boys go.

Come on, get out of here. Go on, go.

Unbelievable PTA.

Come on.

No, Colonel, like I told you before, the experiment

is going fine. We're at midpoint.

Why don't you believe me?

Yes, I'll call you back. Thank you.

Well, private admins, how are we?

Well, I feel like I'm completely recovered. I see. My leg feels great.

I'd like to get back to the States now if I could.

We're going to get you home as soon as possible,

but first I thought we might revisit our little conversation on combat.

Well, I felt it.

We're all in awe of this farce.

Combat is an enjoyable venture. Can I take part in

it, please? Yes, you may. I am one happy soldier.

I love combat so much. Monkey, monkey, monkey. Monkey. Monkey.

Private Edmonds, why don't you give me your opinions on combat? Well...

It's very frightening. Yes.

I felt that there was a... I'm enthusiastic about combat.

Combat, I love you. Combat is my father, my priest, and my girl back home.

I can't get enough of combat.

Combat is everything... Hey, monkey.

Hey, monkey. Hey, monkey. Hold that thought, Private. I'll be right back.

Can I help you, Agnes?

Just powder in my face, Doctor. Can't a woman powder her neck without an uproar?

I'm sorry, Private.

Where were we? Oh, yeah, yes, I think I remember.

Combat, I want you. Combat, I need you. Combat, I love you. You like combat?

I love it, yes, I do. Can't get enough. Don't mean to sound selfish,

but I want all the combat for me. I just love combat.

If combat wasn't... That's a monkey.

That's a monkey. That's a monkey.

That's a monkey.

That's a monkey.

Colonel, yes, I told you.

The military zombification program is moving along briskly. Yes, it is.

Did I mention how much I love combat? Combat, I'd like to take you out for dinner.

Just the two of us. Alone, together.

I'd like to skimmy off those pants. Yes, Colonel. I see. Yes, well,

let me assemble the data, and I'll call you back, all right?

I'll call you back, yes.

Private Edmonds, I shall return shortly. Monkey.

Mr. Edmonds, Mr. Edmonds, I gotta get you out of here. I know what they're up to.

They're not up to anything.

Yes, they are. Don't you see? You ain't never gonna get out of here.

You're part of our big secret test.

Now, come on. Shh.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

Sit down, Private Edmunds.

Agnes, I thought I warned you not to meddle in Private Edmunds' recovery.

I know what's going on in here. Really? Well, there's nothing going on here.

I know exactly what's going on, and I'm going to tell everybody about it.

Really?

And what do you perceive to be going on?

I know Mr. Edmonds here is part of a big secret government experiment.

I've got it all right here. I've been watching you,

and it's all right here in my hand.

I haven't told anybody yet, but it's all right here. Really?

You haven't mentioned this to anybody?

No, ain't you been listening? I haven't told anybody,

but I'm going to tell everybody about what you've been doing. Mr. Edmund's here,

and all the other soldiers are marched through here,

so let me be so I can go tell everybody.

Tell me, tell me, Agnes, does your family expect you home?

Nobody's expecting nothing from me. I'm all...

No one would notice if I dropped off the face of the earth.

I don't even have any fingerprints, look.

No relatives, nothing.

No one even remembers ever meeting me. But that's gonna change,

because I'm gonna walk out that door,

done those eight flights of rickety old stuff. You go upstairs and tell everyone!

And there's nothing you can do about it, doctor!

No, there's nothing I can do. No, right.

On your way there.

Private Edmonds, it seems that Agnes has met with an unfortunate accident.

That was an accident? Yes, it was,

and I want you to disregard any of the babblings you heard her babbling about.

I'd like to go home now. I don't think that's a good idea.

I insist that we continue with that.

I'm going to add you pushing me down on me. That's a staff to my little book.

And I'm going to tell everybody about that, too. And if you think I'm not, no, no!

Certainly is a clumsy day for Agnes, isn't

it? You pushed her. I did not. You did too.

Did not. Did too. I don't know why you would say that, Private. I like Agnes.

Agnes is an enjoyable venture.

I am enthusiastic about Agnes.

You like Agnes.

Yes. You're happy to give me another book.

Put all the information on the Q&A.

I never need a staircase to do a man's job.

I'm going to run it all down and tell everybody about it.

Leave her alone. Private. Private Edmonds, I need you to give me the gun.

Come, but I love you. Come, but I need you. Come, but, come, but, come,

but I want you. Come, but I need you.

Come, but I guess I'll have you, baby. Come, but, come, but...

I know what you mean. It's just kind of hard to swallow this late in the afternoon.

Where's my formaldehyde?

I had it in that shampoo bottle, and I can't find it anywhere.

And while we're at it, where's my toupee tape?

If you want me to mummify that ferret, I'm going to need my supplies, Amber.

Hold on a second, can you?

Great.

Is it too much to ask for a little privacy? Yes.

First you asked me to finish your science project,

then you asked me to cook up a block of fudge, and now you're asking for privacy?

Oh, princess, I just got a message from the king.

Get your bony ass off the telephone, now, today.

Yeah, she's got a problem right now. My roommate does.

Oh, I got a problem, all right. My problem is that I don't have a roommate.

A roommate helps and chips in, helps pay the bills. What I got is a big old leech,

and right now she's sucking on the telephone.

Get off it, Amber, now, today.

This is about homework, all right? I'm talking about my education right now.

So why don't you use the phone down at the donut hall? That's your scene, not mine.

Hurry up. Let's get going.

I need to use the phone. Okay.

Your body, my body.

I know what you're saying. A book by and for women.

Uh-huh.

Homework, huh?

Yeah.

I like having something small on my anus during lovemaking.

Oh, what's that, your geography lesson? Mom! No!

If Pepper has her period on the 4th and wishes to make

love on the 5th with two lovers in their mid-40s...

Oh, look, we got the math.

Terrific. This is classy, Amber.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

She will not talk to you tomorrow. I'll sew her lips tighter than banjo strings,

faggot, giving her this book.

Nobody gave me that book.

I got it on my own. Yeah, who sold this to you? Was it Julian,

Donna the Tough Kid Fox? Is that who gave this to you?

That store is for adults, not for you. I'm going to give him a call.

I just got it at a bookstore. It's not what you think.

Anything, a brush handle, the tip of a cane, a cigar. Oh, this is class.

A cigar in its casing. Pleasure awaits where you least expect it.

Trash, garbage. I wouldn't use this for paper mache.

It's a book about changing bodies. Oh, yeah, they'll change all right, our bodies.

Run and bring me a hairbrush. I'll change the texture on your cocky little butt.

That's what I'll do.

It's not what you think.

I'm changing. Ha!

Hmm?

Jesus, go get me some tongs and boil a pan of hot water. I'm not pregnant.

Do you like girls?

Hmm? Go get the ice pick and four bottles of tequila.

I'm going to give you a frontal lobotomy, young lady. You'll thank me for it later.

And hurry up before you get your eyelids pierced.

I'm not doing anything with anyone.

I just want to understand my body and relationships.

I want to have the information so that I won't make any

mistakes that I'll regret for the rest of my life.

Is that all?

Of course it is.

Geez, I feel so small, so tiny, like me, a little flea.

Geez, you know, if I had a book like this when I was your age,

I probably would be living with a roommate.

Geez, naive young girl on her own.

I'd probably be carefree, no responsibilities, no obligations.

No having to mummify a ferret or having to whip up a batch of my famous fudge block.

Oh, it's so fabulous.

It's the whole acorns that makes it so special. Yeah, that's the way I do it. Class.

Maybe while I mine the chocolate,

I'll eat through this book a little and take a look-see.

I love you, Amber.

I love you too, Mom.

Yeah, that's good.

With old Lam.

Hey, Georgie.

I'll meet you by the shed.

No, no problem.

She'll be busy for hours. For days.

Anybody home?

Down in the basement.

Hi.

Hi, honey.

Well, I'm going to go feed the cat, and then we can watch some TV. Okay.

Hi, Mr. Friegel.

Hi, Rod.

Well...

Did you get any?

Excuse me?

Tonight.

Did you get any?

No.

No?

No.

I mean, we've been going out for a long time, but...

I don't know, maybe I'm doing something wrong.

Oh, what's your approach?

Here, pretend I'm her.

I don't know.

Give it some time.

How much longer?

Hold still.

My lips are chapping.

Focus! I want to see.

I couldn't find the cat, so I dressed like a scarecrow.

You ready?

Have a great time.

I'm thirsty.

We're almost done.

Down in the basement!

Hi, honey.

Well, I'm gonna go feed the cat, and then we can watch some TV.

Okay.

Hi, Mr. Ambidextrous.

How's it going, Shaft?

So, did you get any?

Excuse me?

Tonight. Did you get any?

No.

No?

No. We've been going out for a while, but...

Maybe I'm doing something wrong.

What's your approach?

Pretend I'm her.

I don't know.

Give it some time.

How much longer?

Hold still.

My lips are chafing.

Focus!

I want to see.

I couldn't find the cat, so I dressed like a scarecrow.

Are you ready?

Have a good time. I'm thirsty.

Down in the basement.

Hi, honey.

Well, I'm going to go feed the cat, and then we can watch some TV.

Okay.

Hi, Mr. Refrigerator Coolant. Hey, plug boy. So, did you get any?

Excuse me?

What about tonight?

Did you get any? No.

No?

No.

We've been going out for a while, but maybe I'm doing something wrong.

What's your approach?

Pretend I'm her.

I don't know.

Give it some time.

How much longer?

Hold still.

My lips are chapping.

Focus!

I want to see.

I couldn't find the cat, so I dressed like a scarecrow.

You ready? Yeah.

Have a good time.

I'm thirsty.

We're almost done.

Down in the basement.

With Dad's inheritance, we can build a whole children's complex all over here.

Over there and over there.

Yeah, wheelchair access field there?

You better believe it thanks to you.

No, you're the generous one. No, your idea.

No, it's you, you, you, you, you. No, it really

was you. It's you! I believe it was you!

Yeah, come on!

Son of a bitch, I wish you were... Get out of here!

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Daniel, he's liking that. I love you. I love you.

Bake the cake, if I knew you were coming, I'd bake the cake. Hot you do,

hot you do, hot you do. Can't you drop me a letter, I'd hire the band.

Grandest band in the land.

Drop me a letter, I'd hire the band.

But it really doesn't matter. Grab a chair and fill your platter. Dig, dig,

dig right in. If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake.

Hired a band.

Goodness sake, if I knew... Where you going with my baby, baby?