Original subtitles

I'm a baby.

Still at large.

The fugitive is known to be a... Cloudy with a 30% chance.

Wide male. I'm thinking, God, 180 pounds, something like that.

He had a buckle, a very large one. Various body parts in his wake.

Please...

I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake. Baked a cake, baked a cake.

If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a

cake. Hot you do, hot you do, hot you do.

Had you dropped me a letter, I'd have hired a band. Brandest band in the land.

Drop me a ladder, I'd hire the band.

It really doesn't matter. Grab a chair and

fill your platter. Dig, dig, dig right in.

If I knew you were coming, I'd bake the cake. Hire the band.

Goodness sake. If I knew you were coming, I'd bake

the cake. Hot you do, hot you do, hot you do.

Guns.

Go talk to her.

Go talk to her. That's why we're here. Go talk.

It's a... Come on.

Hi.

Hey, how you doing?

Hi.

Want to feel my baby?

All right.

No, I mean through my vagina.

Isn't that so, Reverend?

Where was Joe when God laid the cornerstone of the world?

Where was Joe when God strung the lights across the heavens?

Where were you, boy, when I called you 20 minutes

ago to come down and say hello to the Reverend?

Well, I was just, I thought, hello, Reverend, ma'am.

Hurry up, boy, we're burning daylight.

We're gonna play a couple of hands of Sambo Scoot.

I can't play tonight.

Can't play?

Who's gonna yell Scoot for the reverend's wife?

Well, remember I told you that I'm going out with Kathleen Kulowitz tonight.

Well! Someone's got a date. A tryst. A rendezvous de l'amour.

It's no big deal. We're just going to the school pool party together.

But it's Friday night. It's scoop night.

You love this girl? Oh, this is the first time

we're going out. Do you love your mother?

Well?

Yes.

And yet you are willing to abandon your mother to go traipsing

off into the night with some harlot that you hardly know.

We're just going swimming. Just go.

I'll be home in... Just go.

You would think after 15 years the boy would

have a special bond with his own mother.

Well, I guess nothing screams louder than hormones

which drowned out even your cries of love.

Is it cold in here?

Guess you've got a decision to make, don't you, boy?

Well, I already told Kathleen.

I'll be home in a couple hours.

I thought... You remember this boy?

Mother's Day, eight years ago. I love you, Mommy.

Well, were you lying then, or are you lying now?

Oh, I... Which is it, boy?

I wasn't lying either time.

Oh, good. Let's heat up that game of scoot. You deal them out, tipsickery.

You got it, Tyrone.

I don't see how by my going out with Kathleen, that means I don't love Mom.

I'll always love you, Mom. It's just a pool party.

Hold on, Reverend. I got this one.

So, you don't see how going out with your little friend demonstrates a lack of love.

Well, perhaps this little story from the good book might clear things up a bit.

Oh, a parable!

There was a young man on the road to Damascus.

And upon this road he came to a fork.

Then he knew he had to choose between one path or the other.

But he also knew once he had chosen one path,

he would never have a chance to travel the other.

Would never see that path again.

Couldn't he just travel down one path and then maybe go for

a swim and then hop on over to the other path for a while?

Hold it, Reverend.

I'll field this one.

No, son, you see, there was this snake that wouldn't let him go back.

Snake? What snake? The one that invited him to the pool party.

Now, meanwhile, on the other path... The one he should have chosen.

The road was filled with milk and honey.

And sugarcube fairies.

And they slaughtered the loaves and the fishes.

And everyone was safe and secure.

Yeah.

What was going on on the other path?

A young man was tossed into the darkness where

there was weeping and mashing of teeth.

The end.

Tough path.

So, uh, in light of tonight's parable, son,

what do you believe would be the right thing to do?

The right thing.

Tick tock.

Well...

I guess I'll stay home tonight.

God in three persons, hallelujah! I'll give Kathleen a call.

You know, Mother, my turtle could use a good buffing.

This is...

Hello, Kathleen. Hello, Kathleen. Yeah, this is Mr. Harris.

No, our son's not going to be coming to your pool party. No, no.

He's decided to stay home with his mommy.

All right. Good night.

Easily taken care of.

Let's get going.

Come on, boy. Move.

Scoot.

Problems with your ticks and chiggers?

Get your canister a bug off. Don't delay.

Hey, you guys, don't forget to check for ticks.

Tick check!

That looks pretty clean. No, I think I got one. Let's see.

Got one over here. Oh yeah. That looks like one.

Brush it off.

You can't.

The head's already in. Oh, wow.

We'll try burning with a cigarette.

I'm surprised. That usually works.

I know how to get rid of crabs, but not ticks.

It's a big fish.

It's a tough take.

Hold on, baby.

Let it fill up and it'll just fall off. What?

Dawn, you get Lyme disease. Hey, I got an idea.

Over here.

Hey, right here.

Careful of your arm.

Nice toss. Oh, sorry.

Who wants a burger? I do. Thanks for the two. Ah, you got it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. This must come as quite a blow.

I want you to know I'll do everything in my power to be helpful to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hey, Charlie, who are you talking to?

I was just practicing my grief therapy.

Oh, you're a good man, just like your father.

Hey, you need anything? Well, hope you didn't find another body.

Oh, no, not since the one.

Although there is a bad odor coming from apartment 4G over in West Willow.

I'm keeping my eye on it.

Well, if you find another body, I'll certainly be sorry for its loss.

I just thought I'd wheel by. I'm on my lunch break.

Seems it's the only place that's wheelchair accessible.

I thought I'd drop by and say hi.

Hey, you want half a sandwich?

Don't mind if I do. So tomorrow's the big day, huh?

Yeah. It's the first time Mr.

McAllister's letting me take a customer all the way from pickup to planting.

Oh. Can I sneak a peek?

Sure.

Wow, he looks good.

A lot better than when I found him. He looks more alive, rejuvenated.

We embalm and restore. In this way,

the family is afforded a last look at the loved one

and is able to create the final memory picture.

Oh, Charlie, you work so hard.

I'm going to be cremated.

Have my ashes scattered on the infield of the Rockingham Stock Car Racetrack.

Where will people pay their respects?

At the track. Everyone knows that's my stomping ground.

I always wonder if there's some way people could embalm themselves, you know?

It would save time and money,

and there would be one less person who would have to see you naked.

I can't wait to die. I'm completely inviting it.

It'll be nice.

There's only one problem.

Your family's long-lived.

I know. Greeks and Turks in general.

It looks good, though. Really good.

I mean, besides being dead and all. But he does look different.

Mrs. Smedley.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh, my God. This must have been quite a blowout.

Poor thing. She needs some pills.

Booze and alcohol got me through the rough patches.

Hey, you ever lost anybody close?

Sure.

About a car load.

They used the jaws of life to get me out, Charlie.

Or did you ever get over it?

Well, I'm paralyzed.

No, I mean, did you ever get over the grieving?

Oh, it's an ongoing process. It's kind of nice some days when I'm stoned.

I just don't feel right telling people they're going to get over it.

You don't have to.

No, I do. It's company policy.

Death is just a new beginning. It's just a brand new step.

One door shuts and a new one opens. But then again, I'm a locksmith.

It's just another door to Jimmy.

I think this is the only life we get, you know? I think this is it.

You think so? I like to think you come back as something,

a squirrel or a shrub or a peppercorn.

Christina and Charlie. Hey, Duke. Hey, Duke. Heard you got your first one?

Do you mind if I... Please.

Yeah.

Wow, it looks good. Close out the cavities.

Oh, you got to. Congratulations.

And I'll see you, little lady, at the covered dish.

Thanks for the weed.

It's all shake.

It's amazing all the people that come out of the

woodwork when someone dies, isn't it, Charlie?

Yeah, it's kind of nice. You know, people bring food and stuff.

Yeah, hams, turkeys, smoked meats, booze.

I think I know what's so different about Mr. Smedley.

He's not talking.

I've never seen him with his mouth shut before. It's kind of refreshing.

He's got nice lips. Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh my God.

Wow, she's really taking this hard.

Must be her first death.

Yeah, but you know, since everybody dies,

I'm surprised we all don't know more dead people.

You got your deadbolt.

What's your 20?

4G, West Willow, over to you, copy?

Copy, 10-40. Hey, I'll see you at the convoy. Well, the odor took a bad turn in 4G.

I'll see you later, Chaz.

Okie doke.

No elevators in 4G. Later!

Bye.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

This must come as quite a blow.

In such a tender way.

And then I walked home from there.

So you're telling me you walked home, alone, by yourself?

Yes. Show me.

Karen, this is a model. It'll serve as a visual aid.

I want you to recreate what happened to you on that night. This is a model.

And what happened after that?

I think this is a very serious matter, Karen.

I want you to take a deep breath and tell me

exactly what happened on Saturday night.

Hold it.

Hold it.

Continue to hold, please.

Peru.

Go on. We met at a party. A party. You mean a gathering of sorts.

There might be confetti, some streamers, maybe a pinata or two, maybe a donkey.

A party. A party.

Just checking.

Karen, this is a tape recorder. It'll actually record our conversation.

While we're saying it? Yes, while we're saying it.

Will I sound the same?

Because sometimes when I hear my voice on tape, I don't... Karen,

you might sound a little different, okay?

Please, back to the gathering.

Well, like I said...

We met at a party. We really clicked.

We just kind of hit it off.

I mean, we had such a natural chemistry with each other.

It was like we were meant to be together. Soulmates, if you will.

I don't know. It was a natural attraction. It was so tender.

I really think that we were meant to be together.

And then what happened?

Well, then we went to his friend's house, and we

started to dance naked. With your clothes on?

No.

Naked!

Well, you know how it can get. Perhaps continue.

We did things. Against your will.

No, I liked it.

Excuse me, Karen. What did you say?

I don't know.

I liked it. I liked it.

I liked it.

Can you hear yourself, Karen?

That wasn't me.

I know it was a friend of mine.

This is a map.

I know what a map is. Okay, I'm just checking.

I want you to point out exactly where this incident took place.

Dean Pepper?

Why am I here?

Karen! It is Karen, right?

Karen, this morning I had five men, boys, members of the male species,

come in here and tell me that they had a relation with you, an intimate encounter,

a sexual rendezvous with you over the weekend.

End of the week. TGIF. Hang in there, baby.

How do you know it was me?

This is you, Karen.

Yeah.

You. Uh-huh. You. No.

You. Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey.

Wait.

This is what we call a sandbox.

It contains sand. Sometimes cats use it.

I want you to mold, shape, and form it to express

how you feel. It's sand, Karen. It's okay.

Just stop what you're doing.

Karen, I'm not qualified to help you.

I'm not qualified to help anyone. I'm useless. I'm a void. I'm a bother.

I'm trouble.

Karen, I pretty much hate myself.

I hate myself.

You hate yourself.

You hate yourself.

I really hate myself. Did I tell you how much I hate myself? Karen,

I'm going to introduce you to something that's fun.

They're called the yellow pages.

They're stained pages in the color of yellow.

Perhaps you can flip through that and find someone who is qualified to help you.

I'm just sorry it's not me.

Can I offer you a potato?

Perhaps. A cat?

Fu Manchu, Karen, look.

Scars.

Mother never gave us any toys.

Mother insisted the children should be joyful and her anger would not be assuaged.

Father was not a cruel man, just uninvolved. The meadow can be a mirthful place.

Especially for two children who have carefully crafted a fantasy

world out of an item borrowed from their mother's chest.

Scarves.

Playmother insisted.

Scarves!

Father was mother, was father, was not cruel.

Mother was father, was uninvolved.

Scum!

Mother insisted many things. Children should be joyful. Scum. Father is uninvolved.

Her scarf is not a toy.

All that is left is a memory, a mirthful matter, two children and scarves.

Scarves! Scarves!

Scarves!

Scarves! Scarves!

If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake, baked a cake, baked a cake.

If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake, hotchadoo, hotchadoo, hotchadoo.

Had you dropped me a letter, I'd have hired a band, grandest band in the land.

Drop me a ladder, I'd hire the band.

Where you going with my baby, baby?