Original subtitles

Still at large.

The fugitive is known to be a... Cloudy with a 30% chance of... Wide male.

I'm thinking, God, 180 pounds, something like that.

He had a buckle, a very large... Various body parts in his wake.

Please...

If I knew you were coming, I'd bake the cake. Bake the cake, bake the cake.

If I knew you were coming, I'd bake the cake. Hot you do, hot you do, hot you do.

Had you dropped me a letter, I'd have hired a

band. Brandest band in the land. ¶¶ Oh, yeah.

Hot you do, hot you do.

It makes sense.

Oh, Mother, I'm excited about you meeting Philip for the first time.

I'm excited, too. It's so odd to think of you with a man.

Last time we were together, you were playing with dolls.

Don't be nervous, Mother. Everything's going to be just fine.

I know.

Philip, what happened?

They removed a polyp from my ear.

I kept opening the wound, so they put this on.

Come meet mother.

I can see why you're not playing with dolls anymore, Laura.

Have a seat, and I'll fix you a drink.

Well, I really shouldn't be... No, let me guess.

A gin Ricky.

Well, I shouldn't be... Heavy on the gin, light on the Ricky?

I guess what I'm trying to say is I have a little

trouble getting the glass to my lips.

I bet I can make it to your lips.

Mother!

Hey, bet I can.

Mother, Philip distributes and manufactures industrial soaps.

I like to be clean.

Philip and I finally set a date to get married.

Mother, I don't think it's a good idea for Philip

to be dancing with that cone on his head.

Laura really can kill a mood, eh, Philip?

I'm gonna go to the loo. I'll be back in a sec.

Philip, there's something I have to tell you about my mother.

Tell me on the sofa.

Mother ran a dance studio for children, and she and I were the only survivors.

We've taken her to doctors and festivals, and nothing seems to help.

So I asked her to come stay with me for a while.

Oh, bear with her, Philip.

Please, let me run to your convertible and get your medical ointments.

I understand.

I feel so much better now that I got out of those wet clothes.

Are you hungry? Well, actually, I've already eaten.

Who said food was on the menu?

Here's your ointment.

Mother!

Every party has a pooper, and the pooper is you.

Every party has a pooper, and the pooper is you.

And the pooper is you.

Every party has a pooper.

Laura, I really should be going.

Well, it looks like rain, and I want to get home before my cone fills up.

Don't leave, Philip.

I'll see you later.

Philip.

What was that about?

Just trying to feel your friends out, Laura. And to tell you the truth,

I don't trust him. What's not to trust?

It's like he had something to hide. He was putting up a guard or a shell.

You were all over him, Mother, and frankly, it embarrassed me.

It was a big mistake letting you stay here. Obviously, you're not well enough.

That's horrible.

That's a horrible story.

Laura, Philip's been in a terrible accident.

Apparently he was driving his convertible down the belt

line when a gust of wind blew his cone into his face, obstructing his view.

He then hit an oncoming parade float.

When they finally reached Philip,

his head was floating around in his cone like an olive in a martini.

I guess it's just you and me again, Laura.

I'm sorry.

Horrible.

It's a horrible story.

St. Vitus Day Parade postponed due to the unfortunate

accident involving the pirate pudding float.

Hold and dead as graven stone.

I summon now from realms unknown.

Bring me here his ghastly shape.

From beyond the grave of death escape.

Oh my god! Oh my god, I can't believe this worked!

Why have you summoned me back from eternal sleep? Hi!

Hi! Do you remember me? I'm Nina's friend from the drama club.

We went to high school together.

Oh my God, I summoned you.

Well, this is a kit, a wig, and oh my God, let

me get a picture of you. I can't believe it.

Okay, anyway, listen, the reason I summoned you was,

I'm trying to remember that song. Remember from our spring junior talent jamboree?

It went something like, um... You called me from the gulfless beyond for this?

God, yes, it's driving me crazy. I cannot remember that song.

You tore me from the breast of the infinite.

Something changed. You're so transparent.

Nina said it was mountain greenery.

Isn't it mountain greenery?

Nope, that's a lot slower. Is it alicate?

Oh my God, that's an alley cat! She goes on the prowl almost every night.

They call him Alley Cat. Alley Cat!

Do it again, do it again! Goes on the prowl

almost every night. They call him Alley Cat.

Alley Cat! God, that's great!

Alley Cat!

Wow!

Alley Cat!

So what have you been up to?

Oh, not much.

Same old, same old. Oh, you?

Oh, you know, same old, same old.

Right.

Oh, they caught the guy who killed you.

Yeah, I heard.

Look, I'm gonna take off.

I got a few things I need to do, is it?

Oh sure, I won't keep you.

I return to the formless void of forever.

Summon me back from eternal sleep. Okay, came in.

I came in this way.

Do you need something?

Was I wearing chains when I came in here? Because I can't find them.

Feel free to look around. Helicurt!

Was I rattling? Think.

It's very important. I was supposed to rattle. They stand for my sins.

Well, look, if I find them, I'll summon you.

Those are my keys. No!

Hey, Tulip.

Hey, baby.

Smell this. This smells funny.

Look at the date, Eddie. I'm not going to smell it.

Oh, come on, baby. Smell it. It smells a little funky.

Still smells funny.

Eddie, is it Eddie took me to the cemetery or Eddie brought me to the cemetery?

It's Eddie wants to know why you're writing and telling people our problems.

I'm writing in my diary, Eddie.

I'm keeping one. I always have.

Why would you do something like that?

Well, in case you go off to war, I'd have something to remember you by.

Baby, look, we ain't at war. We ain't at battle. Ain't no gunfire play.

Well, just in case.

Was there anything in that diary about you slutting Jimmy Dugan with your eyes?

Because if I do go to battle and I come up on Dugan,

I'm taking him out with friendly fire.

Eddie, I write things that happen every day.

Well, like what? Let's take a peek here.

Like, yesterday, dear diary, Eddie came home late. Eddie ate chicken.

Eddie made a mess in the kitchen.

Baby, we gotta eat out more, you know?

You know what, Eddie?

What's that?

I keep a baby picture of you in this locket so

I can hold you close to my heart at all times.

Oh.

Well, listen, what you say,

you slide that little top off and you put that real heart close to my real heart.

Oh, Eddie, don't.

Come on.

I could go off to war. You know that, don't you?

This might be the last time we're together. You don't know.

You're right, Eddie.

All right, then. Thank you very much.

You know, that jungle bush can just drive a man crazy.

Look, Eddie.

Yeah, those are really, really pretty. I really like those.

Let's shimmy off them pants real quick.

Eddie, I'm telling you something that might be the last memory of your life.

Oh, come on, baby. Hurry up. Let's go get it.

I want you to sit down.

Oh, Lord.

I want you to close your eyes.

Is this gonna be nasty?

Eddie, close them.

All right.

I want you to remember a hot August day and the smell of hot dogs in the air.

And you're sitting on the porch of your dead uncle's house.

All right, I'm there.

I was roller skating by on my way to Trudeau's gas

station to get a can of gas for the lawnmower.

You stopped me and said you'd never seen such a pretty

girl on roller skates with a gas can before. So?

So, that's the first time we met.

Your stepdad was getting ready to hit you with

a belt right before you took off running. You gave me that look.

What look?

That look, Eddie. What?

That look you give me when you love me.

Oh, you mean this look?

That's a look, Eddie. That look gave me goosebumps.

So I ran up on the porch and I stole these chimes

because I knew we were destined to be together.

That's why I want you to take them to war with you.

Baby, I can't take chimes to war with me. I mean, when they chime,

Charlie's going to hear me coming.

Well, don't you want something to remember me by, Eddie?

Well, baby, I don't want to remember no chimes. Come on, now.

I want to remember you being naked, all naked on me. Come on. Stop it. Look,

why don't you take off them clothes and let's

start doing stuff I can think about later.

Come on.

Why'd I bother saving these stupid chimes? Besides, there's no war.

Hey, I could go to prison for something. I could.

I could do time.

Cut it out, Eddie. You're going to be late for work.

Look, I'm already late.

What do you say I'm real late, you know?

That's right, baby. Oh, Eddie!

That's right, Private Eddie reporting for naked.

I love sewing.

Me too. Hey, I think those guys are looking at us. What guys?

Over there. I don't see any guys.

Over there, the ones in the muchacho costumes.

I think about it, If you don't like their romancing, just try to make them stop.

The night belongs to love, and love belongs to them.

You're trapped inside the spell of these loving, lusty men.

His name is Rico,

I like cross-stitching too.

Yeah, but it's not as good as sewing. Oh, good point.

Knitting's good. Yeah, knitting's fun.

But I don't know if it's as good as sewing either. Oh, that's a good point.

Hey, I think that guy's looking at us. What guy?

The one in the lederhosen.

¶¶ Dig, dig, dig right in.

© transcript Emily Beynon