Original subtitles

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

¶¶ It really doesn't matter. Grab a chair and fill your platter. Dig, dig,

dig right in. If I knew you were coming, I'd bake the cake.

Hire the band.

Goodness sake. If I knew you were coming, I'd bake

the cake. Hot you do, hot you do, hot you do.

Does that make sense, Randy?

Now, we hope you don't think we're being too unreasonable.

No, I've taken into consideration the things that you said,

and I agree that I was wrong and you're right.

If I want to be treated like an adult, I have to start acting like an adult,

more mature. I think I've learned a valuable lesson,

and if you should decide to punish me,

then I'll honor that decision because you're my parents and I respect and love you.

We're very, very proud of you.

I think our little girl, our little lady, is growing up.

Oh, Dad.

Oh, Randy.

Oh, Mom.

But we're still gonna have to ground you for three weeks.

You bitch! After everything I just said?

Don't you want me to learn?

If you think for one minute I'm gonna stay in this filthy, tacky,

rancid-smelling ranch home, you've got another thing coming.

The two of you are talking out your ass. You always have, always will, always.

Oh, I loathe you. Each cell of my body quivers with

rage at the thought of your vile existence.

Oh, I pray to the heavens and soar above that each of you will endure the...

Painful and wretched, horrors of torture you well deserve.

Oh, I wait for the day that I dance and laugh and scream and... Hallelujah.

In celebration of that glorious moment of your demise. And then, upon your grave,

I will spit and puke and gag and choke and stomp

and piss and stamp and jump and curse and rant.

And scream against all that you stand for.

Foul, foul, foul parents. More words.

I need more words to describe the complete and saturated disdain I hold.

There's something terribly wrong at the salmon farm.

What is it, honey?

I'm not entirely sure.

Damn.

Salmon.

The one fish everyone knows at least by taste.

Millions of cans of its firm pink flesh sold every year.

Salmon. Cooked so it can be eaten right out of the can.

Mavis.

I heard there was some trouble down at the salmon farm.

Yes.

Why this?

Why now? Why salmon?

Salmon!

I thought I'd gathered up some of the boys and head on over to the farm.

Hurry, there's no time to lose.

Oh, and Mavis.

Yes, Harry?

Salmon.

I know, Herod.

Don't worry, honey.

Everything is going to be fine. The salmon are going to be fine, I tell you.

I heard there was some trouble over at the salmon farm,

so I rushed on over to see if there was anything I could do.

Thank you, Monty. I got Mavis and the boys on their way over there now.

You know what's funny? What?

Everyone seems to refer to salmon as, that's one fish salmon.

But there are many different types of salmon.

Chinook, sockeye, coho, chum.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry. Yeah.

You have a little trouble with your salmon farm.

To read.

Yeah, an awful lot of responsibility running a salmon farm.

Salmon!

You know, maybe it's time that you just hand the reins

over to someone who isn't so prone to disaster.

I suppose you're talking about yourself. Well,

you will never take control of my husband's salmon farm. Never!

Well, the question is, will your husband ever

take control of your husband's salmon farm?

Care for a trout stick?

No, thank you.

I try to avoid fish that doesn't lend itself to canning.

Well, you say that now, but once word gets out about to go with this salmon farm,

people are going to be clamming for trout.

All right, Tureen, that's enough.

What did you come here for? Oh, that's Captain Tureen to you.

One thing, I'm willing to buy this salmon farm off your hands for a price.

I think not.

Well, you got 24 hours to get them salmon under control.

I will see you are shut down and your unruly salmon are tall-eyed, feathered,

and run out of town on a rail. You ever seen a salmon run out of town on a rail?

Not pretty.

But how will people get their salmon? Oh,

they gonna get plenty of salmon in the form of trout.

Harrod.

Mavis. Harrod.

Mavis.

Harrod. The salmon.

I'm sorry, Harrod.

We're just not used to this kind of salmon trouble.

What are we going to do?

I need time to think.

Harrod.

I've been thinking, these salmon are just more trouble than they're worth.

What are you saying?

I'm just saying that trout's making a lot of sense these days.

What are you saying?

I'm just saying that I think you should consider Captain Toreen's offer.

I told you.

What do you say? Hey, smart boy.

Tell me, Mavis.

How is it that you're aware of Captain Tureen's offer?

Well, it just goes to figure.

Well, it seems that somebody has lined your pockets with trout. No, Harold.

Well, I think it's a good time for me to go.

Not so fast, Tureen.

You see, you and your ilk will continue to live

and spawn on the muddy banks of some stagnant

pond while I will always fight the rushing tide and

lay my eggs on the clean rocks, then rot and die.

Harriet...

It was Toreen.

Toreen caused all the trouble.

Now I'm interested.

Take care of the salmon. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

If salmon farming were easy, we'd all do it.

Salmon.

Salmon.

Salmon.

See you through, Warner.

Right you are. Well, if I'd known someone like you was delivering water,

I would have ordered a long time ago.

And I'd have been here a long time ago.

Come on in, stranger.

Where do you want this?

Down.

Well, down where?

Just down, baby. It's always better going down.

All right.

Can I get you a cooler?

Well, I am awful hot.

Yes, you are hotter than a firecracker.

Bang!

Well, you must be baking a pie because I smell something awful sweet.

You quit. You are too much. What do they call you?

Oh, they call me Eddie, but you can call me anytime.

It's all right, anytime. I'm Ruth.

Well, is that babe Ruth?

You quit. You are too much. I like you. You're fun.

John is out of jail.

I'm guilty.

You quit!

Is your daddy a thief?

Nah, my daddy.

Well then who stole them stars and put them in your eyes?

You are too much.

You know, the sooner you hook that thing up,

the sooner you're going to have to leave.

Well, I got all day because I'm on the clock.

Hey, I don't kiss and tell what happens at night.

I don't think you want to know what happens at night.

You keep drinking those long necks and I might.

Did you say you might or you might?

Why, are you hungry?

Well, it depends on the menu.

It's great your own platter, baby, all you can eat.

Oh, I can eat an awful lot.

Me too, I want a meal, not a snack.

Well, you better save room for dessert, because I got the dessert,

and I know you got the cherry.

I don't know if I need another beer or cigarette.

Baby, you're already smoking.

You quit.

I ain't just delivering water. That's what I do.

Is that what you do?

That's what I do.

What else do you do besides get people all hot and bothered and walk away?

Is it bothering you getting all hot?

Not if I can cool down later.

You quit.

I haven't even started yet.

Well, we know the horn works.

Eddie, what took you so long? I was supposed to be at Vaughn's over an hour ago.

Baby, scoot over. Don't make me flick a tip.

Eddie, you said I could drive.

You are driving. Me crazy with all this horn honking. Oh, come on.

But I'm supposed to help phone with pickups for the Quad City paper drive.

Won't you forget about this paper drive, all right?

Let's go home and work on that love drive. You understand?

No, Eddie.

No, baby.

I love you baby.

I love you baby.

That was the Lupin's latest afro in a camel toe.

Please let them die! Die! Die!

Filthy, filthy, filthy, dirty, nasty parents. Spawns, spawns. Oh, father,

give me to your lover, Satan. Mother's cancerous womb.

Why, oh. Oh, why was I born to these?

I convulse with hatred! I'm going to explode!

I look at you and I turn to stone!

Medusa! Medusa! My bowels! My bowels!

Your face disgusts!

Oh God, wretch, I disdain you.

I revile you.

I denounce you.

Hate, hate is my name. As I stand here, I hate you.

Nice try on that one, Lick Rod.

What'd you say?

I said, way to miss the shot, Senor Weenus.

Why don't you get lost?

Oh, hi, Trim.

I'm just talking to Captain Coxicle here, alias the Wad Boy.

You know what? You're going to get your ass kicked in about two seconds, all right?

Well, Wipe, that seems a little extreme.

Trim!

Did you see that, Trim? He just clocked me.

That's because you're an ass. He warned you.

Oh, so I'm the rod. Is that it?

Great, I think I see.

Way to miss the shot, Reverend Shafe.

Now I'm completely confused.

One would think I'm the lick stain, the cheese pod, the...

All right, before any more hitting's done, we got a little problem here.

All right, now I'm just thinking out loud, but

you two think I'm the wad, the lick, right?

You two think that... You're an ass.

Hypothetical situation.

You two are playing pool when the big stain walks off.

Seriously, don't get back up. You cannot be that stupid.

Can you not learn?

I want to learn.

Teach me.

Teach me who the stain is.

Right, Trim?

The wind seems to be blowing in my direction, but you still seem wad-liked.

Can we get out of here?

Yeah, let's just go, all right?

Wait, I get it.

I think it's coming to me. I'm starting to see. I'm the wad, right? I'm the lick.

See, come back.

Community calendar. March 5th,

the Edgewood Elementary will begin the finals

of the Lakeview Tap Nine Ball Competition.

All right, everyone. I'm going to the lounge.

The Teacher's Lounge. I'm a teacher.

Haskell, you're in charge of the film strip.

Sarah, you don't have to watch it for religious reasons.

You're a Quaker.

You go sit with a nurse.

Haskell?

Cobalt, Miracle Mineral. Copyright 1964, Scott Thurman and Company.

Advance the filmstrip ahead one frame whenever you hear... But not that... Just now.

Wait until the next...

That was it. Did you move the film strip?

If not, do so now.

Hi, kids.

I'm Cobalt, but you can call me Kobe, and I'm your guide to a world of wonder.

Cobalt is a tough, silver-white metallic element. The name is from the German,

cobalt, meaning underground spirit.

When mixed with aluminum or nickel to create a substance called an alloy,

cobalt strengthens that metal.

It strengthens all of us.

Cobalt can be used in a million ways.

How many things in this picture do you think were made with cobalt?

Answer, everything but the shining young beauties themselves.

Cobalt is as malleable as putty and as durable as steel.

Meet Henry Faber, founder and chairman of Cobalt Manufacturers of America.

He's got a message for you kids.

Damn Canadians have a stranglehold on the industry.

Those Canuck bastards are killing me. Might as well stick a knife in my throat.

But it's not just the Canadians' fault.

They're just a pawn of those who really wish to control cobalt

and prevent the positive effect it has on our lives.

Who are they?

I'll give you a hint. They also control the banking and the diamond industry.

You are falling under my power. You are my slaves.

These three men are wanted for crimes against Cobalt.

They are the enemy of all freedom-loving people everywhere.

We must find them and destroy them, kids.

Because you know what would happen to you kids without Cobalt?

You'd probably be eaten by wolves.

Yikes!

This monster would tear the flesh from your skull.

But don't panic. There's plenty of cobalt to go around as long as we stick together.

This turn you on, boys? You likey what you see?

All you need's a little Cobalt, and you'll be knee-deep in Susie. Ah, the good life.

Cobalt makes it all possible.

One final thought.

He was just trying to do the best job he could.

Well, thanks for your undivided attention.

Tell your teacher to order our other film strip,

The Wizard of Lead. Oh, goodbye, kids.

Goodbye. Bye.

Where is everybody?

They left. It's midnight.

It is?

Yeah.

What?

Kiss me.

But you're my teacher.

Then get the hell out of here, you bearded freak!

Get out!

Turn the light out!

At least you can do something nice for me!

I developed early.

Get out!

Oh, man.

Bake the cake, bake the cake, bake the cake. If I knew you were coming,

I'd bake the cake. Hot you do, hot you do, hot you do.

Had you dropped me a letter, I'd have hired a band. Brandest band in the land.

Drop me a letter, I'd hire the band and spread the welcome back for you. Oh,

I don't know where you came from, cause I don't know where you've been.

But it really doesn't matter, grab a chair and

fill your platter, and dig, dig, dig right in.

If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake.

Hired a band.

Goodness sake! If I knew you were coming, I'd have

baked a cake. Hutchadoo, Hutchadoo, Hutchadoo.

Where you going with my baby, baby?