Original subtitles

The clocks are wrong.

They do it on purpose to keep you buying.

It should have happened by now.

KROKETT ENTRANCE

The son of a bitch is still there.

I'm Nacho, by the way.

-Tomás. -Tomás, please...

Okay, that's enough.

That's enough now.

Last night was crazy, wasn't it?

So wild.

What time is sunrise?

It must be at least eight o'clock.

They said it would be at 8:00.

Look, Tomás, I just wanted to thank you.

For what?

What do you mean "for what"? You know, right?

For what you did to me last night.

The... I don't know, it was... It was like...

-I don't know. -No, you're mistaken. That wasn't me.

-Yes, it was you. You were so sweet too. -No.

You don't remember because you were as high as a kite.

But I'll never forget it.

Never.

Well, for as long as we have left here.

It's getting farther away.

What?

The planet.

I think it's getting farther away.

ROGUE PLANET NEARS EARTH

The European Space Agency has just issued an emergency announcement.

A rogue planet the size of the Moon

could collide with the Earth in less than a year.

In less than a year...

The planet has been named AP-634,

and its distance right now is less than 10 billion kilometers from Earth.

Of course I'm scared. It might just be a little red dot now,

but that little dot will kill us all.

-A meteorite... -...will kill us all.

Of course I'm scared...

The President has spoken of "an extinction event."

What is all this? Where did you get this nonsense?

Extinction...

That dot will kill us all.

Let it get closer and... boom! We're fucked.

There is a plan to divert the planet and I am certain it will be a success.

You plant the bomb and boom!

-Boom! -Boom!

Atoms, protons, boom! That thing goes...

Boom!

-We're fucked. -Boom! Boom!

Success is guaranteed. We can solve this problem.

-The League! -And boom!

What about the League?

-Boom! -Bang!

EMERGENCY PLAN FAILS

Don't worry, babes. We'll come out of this better than ever.

We should spend time with our loved ones.

Don't worry, babes.

Kick the planet.

Try our limited edition Red Planet meal!

RED PLANET MEAL DEAL

One thing's for sure, I'm going to enjoy the time I've got left.

Extinction...

SAVE THE PLANET IT'S AN EMERGENCY

ANYWAY

It seems farther away to me, don't you think?

Looks blue on the sides.

It's just an optical illusion.

They diverted it with the blast.

-Something like that, for sure. -Suddenly everyone's an astrologer.

Astronomer. Astrologers are the ones who write horoscopes.

I'm a Sagittarius.

And what are you, a dumbass?

-I'm an Aquarius. -Friends, please, let's love each other.

We're saved.

No fucking way.

Well.

Friends, I think we should all go inside, and, together, we all can...

you know...

Tomás.

Please.

-What? -Stop that.

I'm just trying it out.

What?

Great design and all, but... it's anti-siesta.

There's something digging into me.

It's cutting off the circulation to my legs, Julia.

But it's so pretty and original.

Look, it's a sofa, not a painting.

Fine, but... I don't know. I wanted something different.

Nah, it's not your kind of thing at all.

Look, this one, for example.

This one is much more you.

Grey.

Comfortable.

Is that how you see me?

Reclinable?

Where's Noa?

At the only place where she got a signal.

They do it on purpose to keep us buying.

She's addicted to that cell phone.

It's not the cell phone, Tomás. She's a teenager.

Leave her be.

She's on vacation.

Vacation.

What a joke.

My school vacations were crazy.

All day out in the streets, living it up with my pals,

with the girls... Great times.

And we've brought her here.

I would've liked to meet the crazy school vacation Tomás.

I mean it.

-You wouldn't have liked him. -Is that so?

Excuse me, I'll take the grey sofa.

Yes!

Come on. Come on.

Fuck! Fucking dog.

Yes!

Come on, get out. Out.

No!

WELCOME

Come on.

Hey!

Get out of there!

Is the van yours?

Can I borrow it?

Are you stupid or what?

I don't even know you. I won't let you steal it.

You'll have to wait until I'm dead.

The train hasn't run for months.

What's the matter? Are you in a hurry? You want my van, don't you?

Then you'll have to kill me yourself, if you've got the balls.

Fine.

What are you doing?

No, no, no. Stop.

Put that down. What are you doing?

That sofa is heavy as hell.

Where are you going with that thing?

I'm going home.

Wait!

When people started getting violent, they attacked my house.

I lost everything, including my family.

Since then, I've just been trying to survive.

Same as everyone else, I guess.

One day, I was looking for food in the garbage

when I was attacked from behind.

When I woke up, I was tied up in some warehouse.

-And that's where I met Miguel. -Perfect.

-Is that okay? -Yes.

Okay.

Miguel had also been kidnapped.

And also Chenoa, the singer.

Why did you stop?

Miguel, I think the Chenoa thing sounds like bullshit.

-Nobody's going to believe that. -Chenoa is key here, trust me.

Then a door opened and they came in.

They were big guys, and strong, and sketchy, and Russian.

Well, well. What have we here?

What is it now?

Saying that the kidnappers were Russian just sounds like a bullshit cliché, right?

Right, and you know why? Because it works.

Carry on.

-Wait a second. Look, Miguel... -What?

What I'm trying to do here is make this story a little more believable.

-I'm doing it for you, okay? -Fine.

I'm doing it for you. So...

Maybe, if they were...

Well, well. What have we here?

-Another bullshit cliché. -Fine.

How about...

Well, well. What the fuck do we have here?

That's even worse.

Then, how about Spanish kidnappers?

It's not like we don't have sons of bitches here.

No, no, no.

Can you please just stick to the story?

They enslaved us and made us cut cocaine for three months straight.

But then, we managed to escape thanks to Miguel.

Miguel!

Miguel!

-Are you okay? -Yes, I'm fine.

-You're the best, I love you... -I'm sorry, Chenoa.

I can't. I'm a married man and I love my wife.

She's a very lucky woman.

He saved our lives.

He's a hero.

The best person I've ever met.

Perfect. And if you shed a tear there, you've nailed it.

Shouldn't we just tell them the truth?

You think? Are you going to do it? It ain't pretty.

But lies don't make it any better.

If they're convincing, they do.

So help me out. Punch me the way a Russian thug would.

-Fuck! What are you doing? -Punching you.

God damn!

-Shit, man. Most people think twice! -Well, I'm sorry.

Damn it.

Well...

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

All this fuss over a sofa?

It's more than just a sofa. It's an apology.

Whatever you say.

I'm going to need that sofa, at the very least.

-Your wife? -And my daughter.

I left my home nine months ago,

and I haven't missed them until today.

Now that the open bar's run dry, right?

I guess I prefer recovering from my hangover at home.

And you say the truth will hurt less.

Fuck me, man.

-I'd already made up my mind. -I know.

-Julia Fernández? -That's me.

Thanks.

COSTA CLINIC

Breaking news.

NASA and the European Space Agency have just confirmed that there will be a...

Final clearance! Up to 60% off on all of our...

This pain

Girl, sweet girl

Girl, open your eyes without fear

Tomás.

NASA has just announced

that the rogue planet's mass is similar to that of the Moon

and its collision with Earth, expected in nine months' time,

is, I quote, "incompatible with life."

BREAKING NEWS

THE PRESIDENT DENIES THAT THE ROGUE PLANET WILL COLLIDE WITH EARTH AS CLAIMED BY NASA

Next question.

Good afternoon, Mr. President. Jaime Heredia from Communication.com.

Should we declare a state of emergency

in view of the imminent impact of the red planet?

Thank you.

Don't cause alarm, please. Spain might get hit by a few little stones

that may fall off that object, whatever it may be, right?

Just like a powerful hailstorm.

Anyway. Don't worry. In a few days everything will be back to normal

and we'll be able to resume our activities...

Isn't it July?

Christmas comes early here, doesn't it?

Yes, it's the happiest time of the year.

In this house, every day is Christmas.

Ever since Miguel left us...

on December 24th.

I didn't leave you.

I was...

There's an explanation for everything. That's why Tomás is here.

I knew it.

Ever since that meteorite appeared, all men are turning gay.

No, come on. No.

Tomás, you tell them.

Right.

Right.

When people started getting violent,

they attacked my house.

I lost everything, including my family...

-Tell them about... -And Miguel and I were kidnapped.

And Chenoa.

-And Chenoa. -And Chenoa.

Who?

-The hot girl from The Voice. -Who kidnapped you?

Yes... Some Russian guys...

Some... Right? Some pretty sketchy Russian guys.

In a supermarket. They had us locked up in a warehouse cutting cocaine.

So...

That's right. Vladimir and... Tachenco.

And, well... They were... huge!

Huge muscles, arms like... You know?

And of course...

But your dad here took them down.

I wrestled the gun away from one of them, and I did like this to the other...

It's been seven months since you disappeared, Miguel.

-Yes... A long time. -And all of a sudden you're back.

Yes.

But...

I couldn't get here any sooner.

I couldn't escape from that place. Honey, how...

Well, because... Why? I mean...

Tomás here... They were abusing him.

They were abusing him...

Abusing him sexually.

That's right.

They saw he was weak.

And they abused him.

They started taking turns with him. Every night, these guys would take turns.

And, of course, I heard him crying,

like a wounded puppy.

Well, it wasn't quite like that.

I mean, he was The Sock.

They called him The Sock.

They called you The Sock, right?

-Right... -Yes, that's right.

Well, just imagine the scene.

And what about you, Miguel? The Piece of Shit.

Me? No... Really?

Because you were always shitting yourself, remember?

No, it was just that one time.

-No, no, sorry... -Because I was sick.

No, sorry, you shit your pants all the time.

I always had your faces in my mind. And that gave me the strength

-to carry on, day after day, to come back. -No, no, no.

He was shitting himself at least eight or nine times a day.

He didn't have that because he abandoned his family.

He abandoned his wife and daughter, and he just left.

I mean, he's just a poor guy, that's all he is.

How could I leave him all alone?

Well...

Chenoa was there, wasn't she?

Yes, yes... No, because she died.

-She died of... They killed her. -My goodness.

I know.

Before that, she tried to kiss me.

Yes. I wasn't happy about it. I mean...

I told her, "No! I love my wife and children."

Because I love my kids. That's why I'm here.

That's true love.

Your father told me he would give me his van

if I came here and told you all this load of bullshit.

It all started with Mrs. Rosario.

She was our French teacher. She was about to retire.

She had a certain... je ne sais pas, or quoi...

When she frowned...

When she touched you, it was as if...

she were scratching you because her hands were so dry...

The folds of skin sagging from her neck were...

Well, I realized that...

I liked older women. A lot older.

And with the apocalypse and all, I had so many unfulfilled dreams...

We all have dreams, don't we?

Well...

The world was about to end and I had this burning desire inside me.

I needed to...

So, I went to a nursing home.

One on the outskirts of town.

Son of a bitch!

Get him! Get him!

No, stop!

Stop!

Stop!

-Stop! -Let go of me!

Let's talk!

Tomás, help me! Tomás, you bastard!

Let's talk!

Where is he?

-Get him. -He's under the table.

Get him. Don't let him get away.

You scumbag!

Fuck my life!

No, no, no!

No!

You don't give a damn about any of this, do you?

I'm going to call you Laika.

Laika.

Laika.

Laika!

Laika!

Laika!

-Come on! -Throw the ball!

What's up?

Hey, I think I'm going to quit.

Things are heating up.

You heard about the civil war, right?

No.

They're hushing it up.

-Do you have any iodine at home? -For wounds?

For the radiation.

Look,

there's plenty of room at my place and concrete walls.

Come over with Julia and the kid.

Okay?

Okay.

Dear God.

And suddenly, all the passengers got up one by one

because they wanted to fly the plane. Except for one who remained seated.

And suddenly he stood up and said, "Cuba libre on board."

And the guy looks at me and... The guy was thrilled.

What he was selling was the thing for... No, in plastic cups.

Plastic cups. Yes.

Hey! Who the fuck are you?

You called maintenance?

Ah, right.

The jacuzzi's cold. Fix it.

Well, that's strange... Have you tried the Relax setting?

Are you calling me a dumbass?

No, sir, of course not.

I'll take a look for you.

Fine.

As I was saying, I don't have time to spend all my money.

-So I've got a big problem. -Excuse me, just a second...

What the fuck is it now?

I need to take a look at the jacuzzi,

if you don't mind stepping out for a second.

Of course I mind, kid.

Okay. I'll have to go get my tool kit.

Great, go on then.

And bring me the Pérignon while you're at it.

Okay.

Asshole. Fuck you and your Pérignon.

Hey!

Where's my champagne?

Don't just stand there. Are you stupid or what?

Listen to me, Harry. I'm your best man.

If anybody's got to plant a bomb in that fucking meteorite,

it'll be me.

I'm not gonna tell you again, God damn it.

Dad?

Where are you going?

I'm just going out for a moment to... Be right back.

Mom?

What the fuck?

Mom?

Good morning. I didn't want to wake you.

-Have you seen what time it is? -Maybe it just went by.

You wish.

It's been a really strange few months. Really tough.

I've missed you both so much.

I can explain everything, okay?

I know I've been away for a while

and you must be wondering where I've been, with whom and so on.

Right. So, the truth...

The truth is, I've been on a top-secret mission.

Yeah, I know, it's crazy.

But the government called me up, me and some other guys.

Russians, Arabs... They called us to...

We had to get to the planet, make a hole,

and put a bomb inside to blow it up,

and avoid the apocalypse.

The thing is, they said we would not survive.

So I didn't want to worry you because, I mean, what for?

You know?

But I managed to make it back.

And now I'm some kind of hero, I guess.

Dad, that's the storyline of Armageddon.

What's that, sweetie?

With Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis.

You know I love Ben Affleck.

The sofa you like.