Original subtitles

My name is Marshall Teller.

I knew my new hometown was going to be different from where I grew up in New Jersey,

but this is ridiculous.

Nobody believes me,

but Eerie, Indiana is the center of weirdness for the entire planet.

[CAWING]

Item, Elvis lives on my paper route.

Thank you, little paperboy.

Item, Bigfoot eats out of my trash.

Item, even man's best friend is weird.

Still don't believe me?

You will.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL: Eerie, Indiana.

Day zero.

When you're 13,

going on family outings

is about as cool as getting caught

still sleeping with Mr. Blankey.

EDGAR: Marshall, we're not going to beg you to go with us, son.

You should want to spend time with your family.

I can't believe that you'd pass up an all expense paid trip to see a scary movie.

No thanks. No offense.

The Wilson Twins give it two fingers up.

SIMON: Which fingers? [CHUCKLES]

"Revenge of the Corn Critters

"is a good monster movie sequel.

"It's got all the gore of the original,

"plus some romance

"but never gets so mushy to gunk it all up.

"You won't be sorry."

Since when did you become such a cinephile?

You better watch your mouth.

EDGAR: Marshall,

you never seem to want to go out with us anymore.

Do we embarrass you?

SYNDI: We embarrass him? MARSHALL: No.

Not exactly. It's just that...

Simon and I have some stuff we need to investigate, right?

Gee, Mars,

I'd kinda like to see Revenge of the Corn Critters.

I loved the original.

Especially the part

where he's taking that guy's head

and he's... MARSHALL: Fine.

Great. No problem.

Enjoy the movie, Simon.

You sure?

Sure I'm sure. Go.

Mars,

can't you take one day off from your paranormal quest?

We're a little concerned that maybe you're losing sight of what's real.

What's important.

Dad, I know what's real and what's not.

Sometime I think I'm the only one around here who really does.

Last chance, Marshall.

You're gonna miss a great movie. Two fingers up.

It starts in ten minutes.

I'm not going to change my mind, Dad.

I just don't want to go, that's all.

MARILYN: Bye sweetheart. EDGAR: Bye bye, Marshall.

[EXCITED CHATTER]

[CAWING]

Eerie, Indiana.

Reality Takes a Holiday. Final draft.

"Page 1, Teller house kitchen day."

"Marshall, Edgar, Marilyn, Syndi, Simon are having Saturday brunch.

"Marshall, we're not going to beg you to go with us, son.

"You should want to spend time with your family.

"I can't believe that you'd pass up an all expense paid trip to see a scary movie.

"Marshall: No thanks. No offense."

Wait a minute, what's going on here? You guys just left.

Last chance, Marshall.

You're gonna miss a great movie. Two fingers up.

"Edgar:

"Last chance, Marshall.

"You're gonna miss a great movie. Two fingers up."

[SCREAMING] I just said that!

DIRECTOR: Oh, cut.

Cut, cut, cut.

Don't print that one.

Everybody back to the top for take...

13.

A.D.: All right, folks. Back to the top.

This will be the lucky one, right pal?

MARSHALL: I don't have a dog named Toto,

but if I did,

right about now, I'd be telling him,

"Toto, I don't think we're in Indiana anymore."

Things had gone from the ridiculous to mega voodoo prime-time.

After finding that TV show script in my mailbox,

all Eerie broke loose, but good.

Omri?

Earth to Omri. Huh?

Are you all right?

Okay, I understand, maybe you're tired.

But this is television.

You can't get tired, it costs too much.

We're on a really tight schedule here and we're way, way behind.

You gotta help me out here.

I mean, can't you just be a little more professional.

Professional? Professional.

What're you talking about? Who are you?

What's going on? What happened to my house?

Okay, lunch.

A.D.: That's lunch, folks. Forty two minutes.

We'll pick this up right at the same place.

Omri,

let's not make this any more difficult than it already is.

Mr. Sensitive.

[GASPS]

Hey, get your hands off my coat.

That's mine.

Fine, Omri.

But if you lose it at lunch,

it's your butt,

not mine.

Nobody respects the prop-man.

[MARSHALL'S FAMILY CHATTING]

Mom, Dad, Syndi, Simon, what's going on?

What's going on?

Well, if you ask me, you're blowing your lines intentionally.

She's right Omri. You can't postpone the inevitable.

What's that supposed to mean and who's Omri?

Give it a rest, will you, kid?

Nobody likes a sore loser.

Really Omri, these lines aren't hard to memorize.

It isn't as if we're doing Chekhov here.

What's Star Trek have to do with this.

What lines and who's Omri?

Method. Happens to the best of them eventually.

I recall when I was directing Malkovich in the Homecoming...

[FRANCIS IMITATING JOHN MALKOVICH]

[JULIE SCREAMS]

Justin, hand's off.

It's because I'm short, isn't it?

I am not going to take this

from a sexist pig nine year old.

[JUSTIN CHUCKLING] [PHONE RINGS]

All men are animals.

Talk to me.

DASH: Lose something, Slick?

Yeah, my life.

No, no, that's after lunch.

Thank you, girls. Thanks, Dash.

I'm glad to see you're getting used to the idea though.

What idea? What's happening here? What happened to my house?

Well, after today,

you'll never need to know.

[DASH LAUGHS]

JUSTIN: She did what?

Who cares if Krakatoa is really East of Java?

I don't know. I'll take care of it.

Can you believe it?

That dumb teacher gave me a D in history.

Wait till I talk to my agent.

This time she's history.

Simon, we have major eerie mega weirdness here.

Where's the Secret Spot, all the evidence?

What're you talking about?

The Secret Spot set's right behind me.

PHONE: Please try again later.

Simon, we should move the evidence to a safer place.

It might fall in the wrong hands.

Stop kidding around?

You're scaring me.

You know what you need, Omri?

Meditation.

Guru Yogi Shwarma

helped me worked through that cabaret fiasco.

You're Simon.

Simon Holmes, remember?

And I'm Marshall Teller.

Think Simon, think.

Don't let them get you too.

Stop it, Omri!

You're just mad because Dash is gonna...

What?

What're you talking about, Simon?

Nothing, nothing.

Look, I gotta go.

Give the Guru a call and

and try to pull yourself together.

You're just making it harder on yourself.

What're you talking about?

Making what harder?

MARSHALL: Simon?

Simon?

Simon?

MARSHALL: Simon!

Simon?

Simon?

MARSHALL: Just when I thought my brain would implode into a swirling

vortex of unreality,

I heard a familiar voice.

RADFORD: * Every day from dawn to dusk

* We will never Shuck our duty

* We'll defend Your Noble Husk *

Well, if it isn't Marshall Teller.

Come on in. You're my first customer of the day.

What'd you call me?

I think I called you Marshall Teller, didn't I?

Yeah, but you're the only one.

How about a Black Cow on the house

in honor of you being my first customer of the day?

Thanks Mr. Radford.

Mr. Radford, something mondo bizzaro is going on here.

I don't know what it is or how it happened but

something's definitely wrong.

Somehow, Eerie's become

become some Hollywood studio.

My family, my best friend

think they're actors on a TV show.

My house has exploded.

What exactly are you saying, Marshall?

I don't know what I'm saying.

Hmm...

Lemme check these papers.

Usually, we have a dilemma of some sort,

I just read these pages.

Now I'll tell you exactly what to do.

That script.

That's what made everything weird.

Well, you don't say.

[EXCITEDLY] Aha!

See, there it is.

Look.

It says, "Marshall Teller sits at the counter

"sipping a black cow."

See, it seems to me we're exactly doing what the script says.

What do those pages say is supposed to happen next?

That's funny. It doesn't say.

It just stops with me showing you these pages.

But if you stick around,

maybe they'll send some more pages later.

Sometimes they decide to change things.

They? Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute.

This is a script.

There must be a writer around here somewhere.

You know, I never thought of it,

but there's a logic to that.

Otherwise,

everybody'd make things up as they go along and

we'd have chaos.

Is there a name on this script?

We've got to find this Jose Schaefer guy.

And fast.

Good luck.

I'll save your cow.

Well, just page him? I really must speak to him!

Hi, Omri.

Wait, no, you can't go in there.

[CHUCKLING]

Ar you the Jose Schaefer

that wrote this Reality Takes a Holiday script thing?

Listen Omri, actors are not really allowed up here.

I'm not an actor.

Wow.

Takes a big man to admit that.

I need you to explain some things to me.

Well, look, as long as you're here,

why don't you sit down? Watch this.

We've been going over a couple of Dash's ideas for the big scene.

And very good ideas, I might add.

So listen to this.

There you re. You're in your front yard. It's a beautiful morning.

And don't forget,

you stayed home for the movie.

That's right. Very important point.

And all of a sudden,

you see

picking through the trash,

Bigfoot.

Now unknown to Marshall of course,

his good friend Dash has been on Bigfoot's trail all morning long.

Turns out there's a bounty on the big guy.

Five thousand bucks dead or alive.

So there you are, carrying your camera

and you come outside, hoping to sneak up on Bigfoot.

Meanwhile, our new star, me,

is sneaking up

on the other side of the house where I just can't see you.

You see, Marshall comes up

right behind Bigfoot.

Just as I take aim,

and, bang! Bang,

just as Bigfoot ducks.

Marshall catches the bullet.

Staggers...

Dies.

Do you think I should blast him a few more times just to make sure?

Great idea. 'Cause we want him good and dead.

Good and dead.

I smell Emmy.

[SNIFFS]

DASH: What'd you think, Slick?

What'd you mean when you say

dead?

I mean offed. Snuffed.

Kick the bucket. Pushing up daisies.

Bought the farm. Did I mention

rigor mortis? [DEVILISH CHUCKLE]

MARSHALL: Every kid dreams of being the star of their own TV show.

Well, take it from me,

it's a living hell.

Eerie had collided with a parallel reality called NBC.

I was being written off the show.

Correction, killed off the show.

Double correction, killed dead.

MARY-MARGARET: Why do I have to look like such a chlump all the time?

When does good old Mom get to try her Victoria's Secret catalog?

How can you say that Mary-Margaret?

We have to stand up for women everywhere and

demand roles with meatier scripts and

better characters for women. Ow.

If I have to say one more air headed big sister line,

I'm going to vomit on the producer.

Mom, does Dad know about that tattoo?

Dad?

Ow.

Francis? [LAUGHING]

He could care less.

Self mutilation is playing right into the hands of the male power...

It's my mid-life crisis.

You know what it's like in 10 years.

Fifteen.

Look sweetie, I'm sorry I was harsh before.

It's tough being killed off a show.

I cried for days

when it happened to me on Jake and the Fat Man.

Mom, don't you understand, I'm getting killed here? Ow!

I'm not going to stand still and

let that weasel Dash shoot me so that...

[MARY-MARGARET SHUSHES]

Careful, he might hear you.

You're really not my mom.

You're all a bunch of pod people.

Where's he going?

Where does any red blooded teen star

go when they get canceled?

On a crime spree.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

FRANCIS: It was such a phony scene.

I mean, I felt embarrassed for Dustin

the way people fawn on him.

They practically genuflect and kiss his ring.

Sic, transit, Gloria, Omri.

You know I feel so bad for him.

You know, he's been a bit of a prima donna,

but someday he's going to realize that there is life after childhood stardom.

I mean, what's his name. Opie.

And Shirley Temple Black.

Francis, did you see where Omri went?

Oh, he went that-a-way.

He came bursting into my office a little while ago

demanding that I change the scene where he gets killed.

When I told him I couldn't,

oh, he storms out of the office, he slammed the door.

[PANICKS] Oh, no, don't touch the car.

I was a bit of a handful at that age too.

Our little teenage has-been needs a reality check.

If he's not back before the final shot,

then the network is gonna cancel all of us.

All right, relax. You just worry about the script.

Justin and I will find him.

He's not getting off this lot.

MARSHALL: Eerie, Indiana,

the last testament of Marshall Teller.

I'd come to the end of the line.

Hunted, lost.

Nowhere to hide.

And then I saw home.

The safest place there is.

[PANTING]

But like everything else,

it turned out to be fake.

Omri.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

DASH: Come on.

You can run but you can't hide.

All right, pull over.

What makes you think he's here?

Because he's actually the kind of guy that believes that there's no place like home.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hey!

Mom, didn't I tell you to sell when it hit 15?

All right, all right. Cut it out.

I don't trust you.

I never have. Now, what's going on?

I don't care who said it was going to split.

An order is an order.

All right, if you let me go,

I'll tell you whatever I know.

Of course I know it's a lot of money.

Who do you think is out here everyday working for it?

All right, time to go back to the stage, Marshall.

Time's a wastin'.

Why should I?

I'm just being led to slaughter.

I know and it's a terrible thing, but

Eerie's not big enough for the both of us.

You're the one who's behind all this, aren't you?

You're the one who's telling that writer bozo what to do.

Oh, come on. [PHONE RINGS]

I'm just a character on a TV show.

I'm no more real than you are.

Hey Dash, People Magazine's on the phone for you.

It doesn't make a difference.

The script says you're dead, Teller.

You hear me, you're dead.

Script says I'm dead.

Script...

It's all in the script.

Hello.

Jose Schaefer, please.

Yes, uh, Mr. Schaefer?

This is Steve, with your DeLorean.

No, Barry had to go home sick.

Mr. Schaefer, I'm afraid there's been some kind of accident.

No, it's worse than that.

[HANGS UP] Hello?

KATHY: What about the script changes?

Can't you see?

This is an emergency.

[KISSES]

Hey, watch it.

[DOOR OPENS]

MARSHALL: I had to work fast.

If that writer guy wouldn't change the script,

I'd have to do it myself.

Oh!

Omri, what're you doing here?

Mr. Schaefer wrote a...

A new speech for my death scene and

he said we were shooting it next,

so it was kind of important to get it over to the, uh...

Studio place.

Well, why didn't he tell me about it?

Omri's here.

This way, mr. Katz. How's it going?

Well glad you could work us into your schedule.

Well, I guess I haven't been myself lately.

You're telling me. Lyle, he's all yours.

Full loads, plenty of splatter.

Pull up your shirt.

For what?

Pull up your shirt. Come on, help the man out, will you?

What are those? Squibs.

For when the bullets hit you.

What's he using, an uzie?

Oh, Lyle, those won't be necessary.

I'm doing this take au natural.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Where're those pages?

All right, first team's in place.

MARY-MARGARET: Oh, my bangs are way too short and

I need a face lift.

For my birthday I'm getting a face lift.

I think you made the right decision, Omri.

The show must go on.

Even if it has to go on without some of us.

Thanks, Dad.

Okay, everybody!

Quiet on the set.

Bang-bang, Slick.

You're dead.

Could you tell Dash to get out of here?

Clear Omri's eye lines, please.

Say,

did...

Any new pages come in for...

Script?

Gee, I hope not.

I worked all night on my big line.

Okay, everybody.

Ready?

Quiet, please.

And we are...

Uh, excuse me?

Yes, Omri?

What is it now?

Uh...

What's my motivation?

Your motivation?

Your motivation is you say a few words,

you go outside, you get shot and you die.

Why?

Because I said so.

MARSHALL: Wait. Look. A.D.: Coming through.

Coming through here.

What? What? What? What? Not new pages again.

I hate this.

[ALL ACTORS VOCAL TRILLING]

This only affects you, Omri.

Got it?

Got it.

A.D.: Places! Please, let's quiet down!

Rolling camera.

CLAPPER: Scene 99. Take 13.

DIRECTOR: Okay, ready and...

No, no, no!

DASH: Don't say... Action.

MARILYN: Mars, can't you take one day off from your paranormal quest?

We're a little concerned

that maybe you're losing sight of what's real, what's important.

Are you looking for something?

Mars?

Mom.

Yes, Marshall?

[SIGHS]

You know, on second thought, I would like to go to that movie with you guys.

SIMON: All right!

MARILYN: I knew he'd come to his senses.

My name is Marshall Teller

and I've learned an important lesson about reality.

In this life, you can either follow the script they give you

or demand a rewrite.

But in Eerie, Indiana,

weirdness central USA,

You've got to be ready to improvize.

Win some,

lose some.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]