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1
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-[orchestral music playing]
-[laughing]
2
00:00:14,220 --> 00:00:17,140
Greetings,
ladies and gentlemen!
3
00:00:17,180 --> 00:00:19,140
Welcome to my acting debut
4
00:00:19,180 --> 00:00:21,730
in the hamlet
known as Metropolis.
5
00:00:21,770 --> 00:00:22,980
-[scattered clapping]
-[indistinct chatter]
6
00:00:23,060 --> 00:00:25,400
Thank you, thank you!
7
00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:27,980
This is the first in my series
of one-man shows
8
00:00:28,060 --> 00:00:32,400
about iconic historical moments
from the point of view
9
00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:35,780
-of someone who was not there.
-[sneezing]
10
00:00:35,820 --> 00:00:38,990
Tonight's performance
of Pearl Harbor
11
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:40,580
features Giovanni,
12
00:00:40,620 --> 00:00:44,750
a salt of the earth cobbler
in Napoli, Italy,
13
00:00:44,830 --> 00:00:46,790
who died fully 20 years
14
00:00:46,830 --> 00:00:52,460
before the Japanese
bombed Pearl Harbor.
15
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:56,510
[mandolin playing]
16
00:00:56,550 --> 00:00:58,890
[in Italian accent] This shoe
looks pretty good.
17
00:00:58,970 --> 00:01:00,600
I love the way it shine.
18
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:04,020
Hey, I'mma wonder what's
happening in Pearl Harbor
19
00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:05,520
twenty years from now.
20
00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:08,690
[laughs] Oh, well,
back to work.
21
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,780
[yawning]
22
00:01:11,820 --> 00:01:13,650
[in normal voice]
I have been up all night,
23
00:01:13,690 --> 00:01:16,400
awaiting the early edition
of the Daily Planet
24
00:01:16,490 --> 00:01:20,200
reviewing my one-man show!
25
00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:21,330
-[whirring]
-Ah!
26
00:01:21,990 --> 00:01:23,200
Magic time!
27
00:01:25,370 --> 00:01:28,170
Hmm. Didn't make
the front page, I see.
28
00:01:28,210 --> 00:01:29,500
Well, no matter.
29
00:01:29,540 --> 00:01:32,170
They probably saved
the best for last.
30
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"Mister Face's wildly
problematic adaptation
31
00:01:35,170 --> 00:01:37,340
of Pearl Harbor is as flawed
32
00:01:37,380 --> 00:01:40,430
as his Italian hate crime
of an accent."
33
00:01:40,510 --> 00:01:43,390
Oh, wait, hold on.
That is not right.
34
00:01:43,430 --> 00:01:45,220
Ah, here we go, here we go.
35
00:01:45,310 --> 00:01:48,770
"Mister Face is
phenomenally talented...
36
00:01:48,850 --> 00:01:52,980
at making you wish
you had never been born."
37
00:01:53,070 --> 00:01:54,480
[squelching]
38
00:01:54,530 --> 00:01:56,820
Fret not, ol' chap.
I know what you're thinking.
39
00:01:56,860 --> 00:01:59,740
That we should've domesticated
raccoons instead of cats?
40
00:01:59,780 --> 00:02:03,080
No! That I must confront
the topmost brass
41
00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:06,080
at the Daily Planet!
42
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,370
[theme music playing]
43
00:02:16,050 --> 00:02:18,260
[warbling]
44
00:02:21,550 --> 00:02:23,760
[eerie music playing]
45
00:02:28,390 --> 00:02:31,520
[squelching]
46
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[creaking]
47
00:02:39,150 --> 00:02:41,610
This isn't over, Pamela.
48
00:02:41,660 --> 00:02:42,660
[growling]
49
00:02:42,740 --> 00:02:45,370
[gasping]
50
00:02:45,410 --> 00:02:47,330
Okay. It was just a dream.
51
00:02:47,410 --> 00:02:49,120
It was just a dream.
He's dead. He's--
52
00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:50,790
It's over. [exhales]
53
00:02:52,580 --> 00:02:55,090
Morning, Ives. You sleep okay?
54
00:02:55,130 --> 00:02:56,500
Uh...
55
00:02:56,590 --> 00:02:59,170
I... I've definitely
slept better.
56
00:02:59,260 --> 00:03:01,180
-Oh, God. Thank you.
-Mwah.
57
00:03:01,260 --> 00:03:02,720
So, you remember last night,
when I asked you
58
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,350
how your day was,
and you said, "It was fine"?
59
00:03:04,430 --> 00:03:05,810
Ye... Yeah?
60
00:03:05,850 --> 00:03:07,560
Did you maybe forget
to mention the tiny bit
61
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,980
where you met your toxic,
abusive, ugly ex
62
00:03:10,020 --> 00:03:11,640
and then murdered his ass?
63
00:03:11,730 --> 00:03:14,270
What the fu-- They just
called me a "freak accident."
64
00:03:14,310 --> 00:03:16,610
You know, the media?
They hate women.
65
00:03:18,150 --> 00:03:20,280
[stammers] I... I can explain.
66
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:21,740
[Harley] So you killed
Jason Woodrue
67
00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:23,660
in the same exact way
he killed you?
68
00:03:23,700 --> 00:03:26,450
In the same exact way
that he tried to kill me.
69
00:03:26,490 --> 00:03:29,370
And yet I'm still here.
And he's not.
70
00:03:29,450 --> 00:03:30,960
Sweetie, I'm not done
with that.
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00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,170
I... I just wasn't done.
72
00:03:32,210 --> 00:03:33,540
-Swe--
-Oh, really? Really?
73
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:35,420
I didn't know
because you didn't tell me!
74
00:03:35,460 --> 00:03:37,210
Harls, okay,
let me just clarify,
75
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:39,800
'cause me not telling you
about Jason
76
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,720
has nothing to do with you.
It's just--
77
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,760
It's just that you didn't share
this huge moment of reckoning
78
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,760
with one of the most traumatic
incidents in your past
79
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:47,430
with your partner,
who loves you.
80
00:03:47,470 --> 00:03:49,770
Sweetie?
I didn't want you to worry.
81
00:03:49,850 --> 00:03:50,810
I love worrying!
82
00:03:50,850 --> 00:03:52,520
I worry about shit
all the time.
83
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,850
Like, will there be
a berry crisis in the future?
84
00:03:54,940 --> 00:03:57,150
Can people see my mustache
in the sun?
85
00:03:57,190 --> 00:03:58,440
Will my girlfriend
be honest with me
86
00:03:58,480 --> 00:03:59,530
when she's going
through something,
87
00:03:59,610 --> 00:04:01,070
so I can help her process it?
88
00:04:01,150 --> 00:04:03,110
[chuckles] It's not--
There's nothing to process.
89
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,530
How did you feel
about killing him?
90
00:04:04,570 --> 00:04:06,120
Did you get closure?
Did you have a chance
91
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:07,580
to vent your anger and tell him
he's a piece of shit?
92
00:04:07,660 --> 00:04:08,990
-[cell phone vibrating]
-Aw, shit.
93
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:10,700
Look, my presentation
for the Green Initiative
94
00:04:10,790 --> 00:04:12,500
is in an hour,
and I gotta, you know,
95
00:04:12,540 --> 00:04:15,460
take care of some stuff
before, and, you know--
96
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:17,000
Yeah, you gotta take
your morning shit.
97
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:18,340
-Yeah. Yeah.
-See?
98
00:04:18,380 --> 00:04:19,750
Isn't it easier
when you just say things?
99
00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:22,050
Harley, you can be mad at me
if you want to,
100
00:04:22,130 --> 00:04:23,680
but it still mean a lot to me
101
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:25,680
if you could just come to
my presentation and support me.
102
00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:27,050
Okay. But this Jason thing--
103
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-[stomach gurgling]
-Honey, uh, we gotta go.
104
00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:31,430
I gotta go. I...
I actually have to go.
105
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:32,520
We gotta talk about this later.
106
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:34,640
This conversation isn't over!
107
00:04:34,690 --> 00:04:37,020
Oh, wait, you just said that.
Ugh!
108
00:04:39,020 --> 00:04:40,690
[Perry] Lois,
enough with your claptrap.
109
00:04:40,730 --> 00:04:42,740
I wanna hear more
about this dead professor.
110
00:04:42,820 --> 00:04:44,610
Police only found
a pile of goo.
111
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-Called it a freak accident.
-I've been--
112
00:04:46,110 --> 00:04:47,700
-In Metropolis? Ridiculous.
-This is what--
113
00:04:47,740 --> 00:04:49,200
This city is damn near perfect.
114
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:50,580
-[sighs]
-Something's fishy here.
115
00:04:50,620 --> 00:04:52,410
That's exactly what I told you!
116
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,620
I walked in and I said,
"Something's fishy here."
117
00:04:54,710 --> 00:04:56,580
I think you got that from me.
118
00:04:56,620 --> 00:04:59,710
I must speak to
the editor-in-chief!
119
00:04:59,750 --> 00:05:01,050
That's me. What do you want?
120
00:05:01,090 --> 00:05:03,050
I demand a retraction.
121
00:05:03,090 --> 00:05:04,090
Good luck with that. Bye.
122
00:05:04,170 --> 00:05:05,930
This must be a mistake. [sobs]
123
00:05:05,970 --> 00:05:08,010
"The only thing worse
than the acting
124
00:05:08,050 --> 00:05:10,600
in Mister Face's one-man show
125
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:13,270
is the casting!" [winces]
126
00:05:13,310 --> 00:05:15,310
Have you no taste?
127
00:05:15,390 --> 00:05:17,730
This is an attack
on the theater.
128
00:05:17,770 --> 00:05:21,610
Nay, nay. This is an attack
on art itself.
129
00:05:21,650 --> 00:05:23,440
Fuck off, I heard the play
was terrible.
130
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,530
Not worse than gout,
but damn near.
131
00:05:25,610 --> 00:05:27,910
Trust me, I know gout.
132
00:05:27,950 --> 00:05:29,740
No, that cannot be
your final word.
133
00:05:29,780 --> 00:05:31,950
You must come to
this evening's performance
134
00:05:31,990 --> 00:05:34,000
and write me
an unbiased review.
135
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:37,120
The only way that dog crap show
gets a good review
136
00:05:37,210 --> 00:05:38,960
is if you write it yourself.
137
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,460
[gasps] That's brilliant!
138
00:05:43,420 --> 00:05:44,800
-[grunts]
-[body thuds]
139
00:05:46,090 --> 00:05:48,970
Wow. Can't believe
Professor Woodrue exploded.
140
00:05:49,010 --> 00:05:51,220
Good news is I can probably
get an extension
141
00:05:51,260 --> 00:05:52,760
on my paleo-botany paper.
142
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:54,640
[whirring]
143
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:58,480
So, as you can see here,
144
00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:00,480
by linking the soil beds
145
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:04,150
with the city's existing
subterranean water supply,
146
00:06:04,190 --> 00:06:07,990
we can intertwine greenery
and chrome seamlessly,
147
00:06:08,070 --> 00:06:13,030
giving new meaning
to the term "urban jungle."
148
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:16,370
Hey, I'm here to
unconditionally support you.
149
00:06:16,450 --> 00:06:18,160
But we still need to talk.
150
00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:20,790
Uh, thank you. Um, so anyway,
151
00:06:20,830 --> 00:06:24,050
uh, Metropolis has
a long way to go,
152
00:06:24,130 --> 00:06:27,510
but as with everything,
this green revolution
153
00:06:27,550 --> 00:06:30,510
will start with the "seed"
of an idea.
154
00:06:30,590 --> 00:06:31,680
[chuckles] Seed.
155
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:35,020
[forced laughter]
156
00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:37,850
-Laugh, ya weenies!
-[all laugh]
157
00:06:37,930 --> 00:06:39,600
[Floronic Man]
I have a question.
158
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,770
-What the fuck? Stop it.
-You heard her, stop laughing.
159
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:44,110
They won't do that again,
continue.
160
00:06:44,150 --> 00:06:46,860
Uh, excuse me.
I just was a little nervous.
161
00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:48,610
It's just public speaking,
I guess.
162
00:06:48,650 --> 00:06:50,950
-So, where were we?
-Right here.
163
00:06:51,030 --> 00:06:52,200
[gasping]
164
00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,410
I'm coming for you.
165
00:06:54,490 --> 00:06:56,120
Ah!
166
00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,540
This is not real.
This is not happening.
167
00:06:58,580 --> 00:07:00,170
-Uh, Ive?
-[door opens]
168
00:07:00,210 --> 00:07:01,710
Class dismissed, ya nerds.
169
00:07:01,790 --> 00:07:04,040
-Ive-- Ivy!
-[indistinct chatter]
170
00:07:06,090 --> 00:07:07,380
Hey, you're doing great.
171
00:07:07,460 --> 00:07:09,470
Those weenies were writing down
every word you said
172
00:07:09,550 --> 00:07:10,840
and I didn't understand
any of it,
173
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:12,640
which means it was
real intellectual stuff.
174
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,390
I... I think
I'm going out of my mind.
175
00:07:15,430 --> 00:07:17,470
Yes, okay. See, I don't like
176
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:18,770
how we left things
this morning either.
177
00:07:18,850 --> 00:07:21,350
No. No, it's not that--
I mean, yes.
178
00:07:21,390 --> 00:07:22,560
But, right now, I just--
179
00:07:22,650 --> 00:07:24,650
I really need to get
myself together.
180
00:07:24,690 --> 00:07:26,440
You know what?
You probably need to eat.
181
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:27,570
We should get lunch
and talk it out.
182
00:07:27,650 --> 00:07:29,860
No. I'm not hungry, really--
183
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:32,650
Ives, whatever is going on,
you can tell me. Please.
184
00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:36,370
Nothing is going on.
I just feel like I'm going...
185
00:07:36,410 --> 00:07:39,830
Going to need to go into
The Green real quick. Okay?
186
00:07:39,870 --> 00:07:41,290
I'm gonna need to meditate.
187
00:07:41,370 --> 00:07:43,420
Fine. I guess I'll just
go eat lunch by myself
188
00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:44,880
like some kind of sad asshole.
189
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:47,960
-Thank you for understanding.
-Ugh. Shit.
190
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:49,760
[sighs]
191
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,090
-[dripping]
-Oh.
192
00:07:54,510 --> 00:07:56,260
Ew. What is that?
193
00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:57,600
Ugh. Okay.
194
00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:01,270
[inhales, exhales deeply]
195
00:08:04,190 --> 00:08:05,060
[whooshes]
196
00:08:06,270 --> 00:08:07,520
[sighs in relief]
197
00:08:08,230 --> 00:08:10,530
[inhales]
198
00:08:10,610 --> 00:08:13,280
[exhales] Jason is dead.
199
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:14,700
You are safe.
200
00:08:14,740 --> 00:08:16,530
You just need
to get some sleep.
201
00:08:16,570 --> 00:08:18,830
-[meeping]
-Oh. [chuckles]
202
00:08:18,910 --> 00:08:21,790
Well, hi to you, too,
little fella.
203
00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:24,120
[meeping]
204
00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:27,210
Aw. Look at you.
205
00:08:27,290 --> 00:08:28,630
[meeping]
206
00:08:32,550 --> 00:08:34,550
[gasps] Oh!
207
00:08:36,010 --> 00:08:37,970
Is that what you wanted
to show me?
208
00:08:38,010 --> 00:08:39,140
[meeping]
209
00:08:39,180 --> 00:08:42,100
That's a beautiful,
beautiful white oak.
210
00:08:42,140 --> 00:08:43,180
Yeah.
211
00:08:43,270 --> 00:08:45,150
-[rumbling]
-Huh?
212
00:08:45,230 --> 00:08:46,350
[whooshing]
213
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:49,980
[crunching]
214
00:08:50,070 --> 00:08:51,530
[groaning]
215
00:08:51,610 --> 00:08:53,360
-[squelching]
-[growls]
216
00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:54,360
What the fuck?
217
00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:56,360
[growling]
218
00:08:56,450 --> 00:08:58,160
[grunts, laughing]
219
00:09:00,580 --> 00:09:02,370
-Jason?
-Oh, no, no.
220
00:09:02,450 --> 00:09:03,870
Now I go by...
221
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,120
-Floronic Man!
-[thunderclap]
222
00:09:07,540 --> 00:09:08,840
You look...
223
00:09:10,090 --> 00:09:11,000
fucking terrible.
224
00:09:11,090 --> 00:09:13,340
Oh. Would you feel
more comfortable
225
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:15,260
if I did this?
226
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:17,050
Somehow that's much worse.
227
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,720
You're right,
I'm way hotter now. [grunts]
228
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:21,390
How... How are you here?
229
00:09:21,470 --> 00:09:22,810
Because of you.
230
00:09:22,850 --> 00:09:25,520
Your vines, combined
with the toxic gases,
231
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,690
-turned me into this.
-[thunderclap]
232
00:09:27,730 --> 00:09:30,020
You know, at first,
I was a little pissed.
233
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,400
But I did a lot of thinking
234
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:33,280
since you left me
to die yesterday,
235
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,950
and I realized
why you did this to me.
236
00:09:36,030 --> 00:09:38,700
You wanted me
to be just like you.
237
00:09:38,740 --> 00:09:40,870
You're nothing like me!
238
00:09:40,950 --> 00:09:42,120
[Poison Ivy exclaims]
239
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:43,660
[both grunting]
240
00:09:45,330 --> 00:09:46,210
[grunts]
241
00:09:46,290 --> 00:09:47,670
-[thuds]
-[groans]
242
00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:50,000
-Huh?
-[creaking]
243
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:53,210
You're right.
I'm much, much, much,
244
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:55,380
much stronger than you.
245
00:09:55,420 --> 00:09:57,550
[screams, panting]
246
00:09:57,590 --> 00:10:00,220
Where do you think
you're going?
247
00:10:00,260 --> 00:10:02,600
[grunting]
248
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:04,100
Why are you doing this?
249
00:10:04,180 --> 00:10:06,560
Well, I'd love to tell you
that this was all
250
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,230
part of some master plan
251
00:10:08,270 --> 00:10:11,060
to take over Metropolis
and then the world.
252
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:15,110
But the truth is, I just
really wanted to kill you.
253
00:10:15,190 --> 00:10:16,320
[grunts]
254
00:10:18,860 --> 00:10:20,490
Okay, Ivy.
I gave you your time,
255
00:10:20,530 --> 00:10:23,080
I gave you your space,
but we gotta hash this out.
256
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:26,370
Nothing is more important
than honesty in a relationship
257
00:10:26,410 --> 00:10:27,710
and the honest truth is,
258
00:10:27,750 --> 00:10:29,580
I am so freakin' verklempt
right now--
259
00:10:29,620 --> 00:10:30,580
-[glass breaking]
-[gasps]
260
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,040
-Ives?
-[grunting]
261
00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:33,380
[grunting]
262
00:10:33,420 --> 00:10:34,960
Ah!
263
00:10:35,050 --> 00:10:36,300
-Ives, wake up.
-[gasping]
264
00:10:36,380 --> 00:10:37,420
Ivy! [grunts]
265
00:10:37,510 --> 00:10:39,380
-[glass breaking]
-[grunting]
266
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:45,270
[grunting]
267
00:10:45,310 --> 00:10:46,600
[train whooshing]
268
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,600
Now, to craft
an unbiased review
269
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,770
of my own one-man show.
270
00:10:50,850 --> 00:10:52,400
[laughing]
271
00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:54,860
The terror of the blank page.
272
00:10:54,940 --> 00:10:57,440
Mr. White, I now know
why they pay you
273
00:10:57,530 --> 00:10:59,070
the big bucks to do this.
274
00:10:59,110 --> 00:11:01,320
[muffled] I don't know what
you're fucking playing at,
275
00:11:01,410 --> 00:11:03,450
you son of a bitch.
276
00:11:03,490 --> 00:11:06,370
I bit my tongue. Again.
277
00:11:06,450 --> 00:11:07,290
[Clayface] Hmm.
278
00:11:08,410 --> 00:11:10,830
It appears my subconscious
is suggesting
279
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:14,500
I may need the help
of a literary giant.
280
00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:15,460
[typewriter dings]
281
00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:17,840
[Bane] Jesus Christ.
282
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,090
Clayface, I had to take
three trains,
283
00:11:20,130 --> 00:11:23,010
a ferry, and a pedicab
to get here.
284
00:11:23,090 --> 00:11:25,010
Is this even
part of Metropolis?
285
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:26,970
[laughs] As you can see,
Mr. White,
286
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,310
I settled for a literal giant
287
00:11:29,390 --> 00:11:31,480
instead of a literary one.
288
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,270
-[laughing]
-[Perry, muffled] That sucks.
289
00:11:33,310 --> 00:11:36,020
I'm flattered,
although I'm not sure
290
00:11:36,110 --> 00:11:38,740
what you're hoping
I can bring to the project.
291
00:11:38,820 --> 00:11:40,110
Grammar!
292
00:11:40,150 --> 00:11:41,910
I will supply the words,
but you will put in
293
00:11:41,990 --> 00:11:43,870
the requisite periods
and commas.
294
00:11:43,950 --> 00:11:46,620
Hmm. Or stack them
for a semicolon.
295
00:11:46,660 --> 00:11:50,830
I read your blog post entitled
My Hemorrhoid Surgery.
296
00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:52,000
Brilliant!
297
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,500
Your prose was so evocative,
298
00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:56,130
sharp as the scalpel they used
299
00:11:56,170 --> 00:11:58,710
to remove your swollen
anal masses.
300
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,510
If you can do that
for your rectum,
301
00:12:00,550 --> 00:12:04,510
imagine what you can do for
my Pearl Harbor extravaganza.
302
00:12:04,550 --> 00:12:07,640
I specialize in 'stravaganzas.
303
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:08,930
Brilliant!
304
00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:11,350
But don't spill your seed
on the ground,
305
00:12:11,430 --> 00:12:12,890
save it for the page.
306
00:12:12,980 --> 00:12:15,270
And so we begin.
307
00:12:15,310 --> 00:12:16,820
The year was...
308
00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:18,230
not relevant,
309
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:22,030
for it was timeless
in that black box theatre
310
00:12:22,070 --> 00:12:25,120
upon which Clayface strode.
311
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:28,240
That's pretty good,
maybe you should just write it.
312
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:30,200
-No. Make it your own.
-Okay.
313
00:12:30,290 --> 00:12:32,540
-But say exactly this.
-Mmm.
314
00:12:32,580 --> 00:12:35,500
"Not since the immortal bard
of Stratford-upon-Avon
315
00:12:35,540 --> 00:12:38,840
has the world witnessed a show
the equal of Macbeth...
316
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:40,670
-Oh, hold on how do I get--
-...until now."
317
00:12:40,710 --> 00:12:44,430
All the little bars are jammed
on each other. Damn it!
318
00:12:44,510 --> 00:12:47,350
Hmm. What is a synonym
for "transcendent"?
319
00:12:47,390 --> 00:12:48,560
[Bane] Mmm.
320
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:51,350
What is an unpretentious word
for "unrivaled"?
321
00:12:51,390 --> 00:12:53,060
[muffled] Oh, God.
Kill me. Kill me!
322
00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:55,600
Can we beat the word
"unbeatable"?
323
00:12:55,690 --> 00:12:56,560
[Bane] No.
324
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:58,110
Ha-ha!
325
00:12:58,190 --> 00:13:00,400
I think it's pretty good.
326
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:01,740
Should we proof it?
327
00:13:01,820 --> 00:13:03,360
I don't need to proof it,
328
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:04,610
I lived it.
329
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,740
And I happen to know that...
330
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,070
[squelching]
331
00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:11,080
Mr. White is ready
to publish it as-is!
332
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:13,830
[muffled] Terrible.
I don't sound like that.
333
00:13:13,870 --> 00:13:16,830
What the fuck is going on?
334
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:17,920
[Poison Ivy groans]
335
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,670
[grunting]
336
00:13:19,750 --> 00:13:20,960
This isn't working.
337
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:22,960
I don't know anything
about plant shit.
338
00:13:23,050 --> 00:13:24,590
Ah! [grunting]
339
00:13:24,670 --> 00:13:27,720
I should've listened to your
boring lecture this morning.
340
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,600
Help. Help. Hello?
341
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:30,930
Is anyone here?
342
00:13:30,970 --> 00:13:32,600
God damn it.
Who knows about this crap?
343
00:13:33,430 --> 00:13:34,730
[groans]
344
00:13:34,770 --> 00:13:36,520
-[gasps]
-[line ringing]
345
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,190
Hello-- Mmm.
346
00:13:38,230 --> 00:13:40,020
Harley, goddamn. This better be
some end-of-the-world shit
347
00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:42,070
if you're pullin' me
away from my lady.
348
00:13:42,110 --> 00:13:43,820
I was just about
to get my fertilize on.
349
00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:45,780
Listen, Ivy's in trouble.
350
00:13:45,860 --> 00:13:48,070
And how long you been sitting
on that little nugget?
351
00:13:48,110 --> 00:13:49,450
What the fuck
is goin' on with Ivy?
352
00:13:49,490 --> 00:13:51,160
She went into The Green
and she's--
353
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,950
Oh, shit! Something in there
is fucking her up bad.
354
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,580
Hold on, I'm gonna take a peek.
355
00:13:56,250 --> 00:13:57,120
[whooshes]
356
00:13:58,790 --> 00:13:59,790
-[chuckling]
-[grunts]
357
00:13:59,830 --> 00:14:01,250
-[winces]
-[Poison Ivy] Ah!
358
00:14:01,290 --> 00:14:02,500
Ha!
359
00:14:02,590 --> 00:14:04,300
Holy fucking ravioli.
360
00:14:04,340 --> 00:14:05,590
[groaning]
361
00:14:05,630 --> 00:14:08,260
[both grunting]
362
00:14:08,930 --> 00:14:10,470
Ah! [groans]
363
00:14:10,510 --> 00:14:12,850
I always knew you were
a monster, Jason,
364
00:14:12,930 --> 00:14:15,310
even before
you looked like one.
365
00:14:15,390 --> 00:14:17,060
[screaming]
366
00:14:17,140 --> 00:14:18,440
[Floronic Man laughs]
367
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:20,980
I'm gonna kill you,
for good this time.
368
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:24,480
Unlikely. You've really
lost your touch, Pamela.
369
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:27,400
-[vines snapping]
-[screaming]
370
00:14:28,490 --> 00:14:30,120
[whooshes]
371
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,570
Okay, I found out a few things.
372
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:33,240
There's a guy who looks
like a tree in there,
373
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,250
Jason-something,
tryin' to kill Ivy.
374
00:14:35,290 --> 00:14:38,080
And let me tell you something,
this man is succeeding.
375
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:39,670
-[grunting]
-Jason?
376
00:14:39,710 --> 00:14:41,460
Wait, that's Ivy's ex.
She killed him last night.
377
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:43,250
Oh, yeah, he definitely
ain't dead.
378
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:45,130
You need to go find
his unconscious body
379
00:14:45,170 --> 00:14:46,880
and torch his ass.
380
00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,590
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
the article in the Daily Planet
381
00:14:48,630 --> 00:14:50,470
said they found his remains
in the lab. [gasps]
382
00:14:50,510 --> 00:14:52,260
You think he might've gone back
to the scene of the crime?
383
00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:54,260
Shit. You know what?
It's worth a shot.
384
00:14:54,350 --> 00:14:56,020
I'm gonna go to The Green
and stall him
385
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:58,180
so he doesn't kill Ivy
before you find her.
386
00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:59,600
-Hurry, Harley. Let's go.
-[beeping]
387
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,190
Ugh. Okay, hold on, Ives.
I'll save you!
388
00:15:05,860 --> 00:15:08,530
Listen up, Newspaper Folk.
389
00:15:08,570 --> 00:15:11,780
I have in my hands perhaps
the finest piece of writing
390
00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:15,240
-I have ever writted-- read.
-Well, that's pretty--
391
00:15:15,330 --> 00:15:19,540
This "Bane" is the greatest
investigative theater critic
392
00:15:19,620 --> 00:15:21,920
-of our generation.
-Wait, I don't--
393
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,420
He called Clayface's
one-man show
394
00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:26,920
-"A phantasmic triumph."
-Oh--
395
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:30,130
Now that's just good writing.
396
00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:31,930
This is the kinda content
we need.
397
00:15:32,010 --> 00:15:34,930
-Well, you gotta try to--
-Get to work!
398
00:15:37,180 --> 00:15:38,730
All right,
let me call you back.
399
00:15:38,770 --> 00:15:41,230
Perry, there's something funny
going on in this city.
400
00:15:41,270 --> 00:15:44,360
Well, Pearl Harbor
is more of a drama,
401
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,690
but it does have
its share of chuckles.
402
00:15:46,730 --> 00:15:47,900
Not that.
403
00:15:47,940 --> 00:15:49,190
There have been
several sightings
404
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:50,820
of an unidentified
flying object
405
00:15:50,860 --> 00:15:52,070
in Metropolis' air space.
406
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,370
Yeah, I almost
got a photo of it,
407
00:15:53,410 --> 00:15:55,910
but my lens cap was on. Sorry.
408
00:15:55,950 --> 00:15:57,740
You had one job, Jimmy.
409
00:15:57,830 --> 00:15:59,750
And on top of that,
we're getting various reports
410
00:15:59,790 --> 00:16:02,290
of people being plagued
by nightmares about a skull.
411
00:16:02,370 --> 00:16:04,580
There's a story here, Perry.
I can smell it.
412
00:16:04,670 --> 00:16:05,960
I just need the green-light
from you.
413
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:07,800
Yes, but no.
414
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:10,880
It's not the job of
a journalist to ask questions.
415
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:15,430
It's our job to spotlight
local artistic brilliance!
416
00:16:15,510 --> 00:16:18,770
Like this Clayface fella.
He's simply blowing up.
417
00:16:18,850 --> 00:16:21,600
But, Perry, I know this is
just the tip of the iceberg.
418
00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:25,810
I am not playing "just the tip"
with you, Miss Lane.
419
00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:27,270
[laughing]
420
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,320
I have some questions
about this dental plan.
421
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,450
Does it, uh,
cover adult braces?
422
00:16:33,490 --> 00:16:34,820
No!
423
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:36,910
Miss Lane, let me introduce you
to our new lead columnist
424
00:16:36,950 --> 00:16:40,120
who, like Napoleon
and Cher, Moby,
425
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:43,080
needs only one name,
and that name is--
426
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,750
Bane? Bane is our
lead columnist?
427
00:16:45,790 --> 00:16:47,210
Pleased to meet you.
428
00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:50,420
I understand we are going
to share a cubicle?
429
00:16:50,460 --> 00:16:52,920
You've got to be kidding me!
430
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:54,130
[camera shutter clicks]
431
00:16:54,220 --> 00:16:55,550
[gasps, grunts]
432
00:16:56,470 --> 00:16:58,510
[chuckling]
433
00:16:58,600 --> 00:16:59,760
[growling]
434
00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:00,680
[grunts]
435
00:17:01,390 --> 00:17:02,180
Ah!
436
00:17:02,270 --> 00:17:04,640
Hey, broccoli man, over here!
437
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,980
Why don't you pick on a plant
your own damn size?
438
00:17:07,020 --> 00:17:08,440
[both grunting]
439
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:10,440
Frank! No.
440
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:12,440
-Get outta here!
-I got this, Ivy.
441
00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:13,650
Frank?
442
00:17:13,740 --> 00:17:15,780
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
This is baby Frank?
443
00:17:15,820 --> 00:17:18,160
Who you callin' baby?
I'm a grown-ass plant.
444
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:19,700
Who the fuck are you?
445
00:17:19,780 --> 00:17:21,160
I am--
446
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,910
Floronic Man.
Can you believe that name?
447
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,170
What the fuck is
a floronic man? [laughs]
448
00:17:26,250 --> 00:17:28,670
More like a moronic man.
You heard that?
449
00:17:28,710 --> 00:17:29,750
How dare--
450
00:17:29,790 --> 00:17:32,760
You know what?
I am not going to engage.
451
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,050
I am just going to do this.
452
00:17:35,130 --> 00:17:36,090
[both grunting]
453
00:17:36,130 --> 00:17:37,800
-[pot shatters]
-Ah!
454
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:39,510
You know, when I first saw you,
455
00:17:39,550 --> 00:17:42,310
you were just a little sapling
in the lab,
456
00:17:42,350 --> 00:17:45,520
so full of potential,
a living marvel.
457
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:49,150
The perfect mesh
of human and plant DNA.
458
00:17:49,190 --> 00:17:52,820
And now,
you've turned into this.
459
00:17:52,860 --> 00:17:54,110
Pathetic.
460
00:17:54,150 --> 00:17:55,610
Wha-- You listen here,
you little birch,
461
00:17:55,650 --> 00:17:57,240
no one talks to Frank
like that.
462
00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:00,030
Except for Rosie,
and I pay her to do that shit.
463
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,490
[grunting]
464
00:18:01,530 --> 00:18:02,200
[exclaims]
465
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:03,580
-[thuds]
-[grunts]
466
00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:05,040
God damn it,
and that was my good tooth.
467
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:06,210
[grunting]
468
00:18:06,290 --> 00:18:07,540
[branches creaking]
469
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:10,540
-[gasping] Ah!
-[creaking]
470
00:18:10,630 --> 00:18:11,880
[growls]
471
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,920
[laughs]
472
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,510
-[Frank] What the--
-[gasps]
473
00:18:15,550 --> 00:18:17,300
[both screaming]
474
00:18:17,340 --> 00:18:20,100
[both grunting]
475
00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:21,390
[growls]
476
00:18:21,430 --> 00:18:24,390
Now where is that
splinter dick's lab?
477
00:18:24,430 --> 00:18:25,890
-Mmm-hmm. Oh.
-Yup, yup.
478
00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:27,060
Good, good, good, good.
479
00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:28,400
-[grunts] Ooh.
-Hold it. Okay.
480
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:29,690
And cum.
481
00:18:29,730 --> 00:18:32,320
All right, time to orgasm,
17.5 minutes.
482
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:35,400
Uh, wrong lab, but I do love
whatever this is.
483
00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:36,780
-[gas hissing]
-Ah! What is--
484
00:18:36,860 --> 00:18:38,280
[high-pitched] Oh, wait.
Yep, that's helium.
485
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:41,160
[people moaning]
486
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:42,490
Another sex experiment?
487
00:18:42,530 --> 00:18:43,700
[woman] No,
we're just having sex.
488
00:18:43,740 --> 00:18:45,950
God! I miss grad school.
489
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:47,250
[panting]
490
00:18:47,290 --> 00:18:48,370
[gasps]
491
00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:51,580
[knuckles cracking]
492
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:52,750
-[doorknob rattling]
-[growls]
493
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,050
-Ah!
-[door slams]
494
00:18:54,090 --> 00:18:56,550
There you are,
you son of a bitch!
495
00:18:56,590 --> 00:18:57,590
[screaming]
496
00:18:57,670 --> 00:19:00,640
-I love you, Ivy!
-I love you, too, Frank.
497
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:01,680
[exclaims]
498
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,300
If I don't make it
through this,
499
00:19:03,390 --> 00:19:04,470
you know how you always
lose your lipstick?
500
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:05,850
-Yeah.
-I've been eatin' 'em.
501
00:19:05,890 --> 00:19:07,810
All of them?
Those are fucking expensive!
502
00:19:07,890 --> 00:19:10,560
Enough with
the goddamn lipstick.
503
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:11,600
Ah!
504
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:15,780
Goodbye, my Sweet Pamela.
505
00:19:18,070 --> 00:19:20,070
-[whirring]
-[grunts]
506
00:19:20,110 --> 00:19:21,110
[growls]
507
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,030
-[pops]
-[screaming]
508
00:19:22,070 --> 00:19:24,280
[screaming continues]
509
00:19:24,370 --> 00:19:26,450
-[Poison Ivy] Ah!
-[both grunting]
510
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:28,120
[screaming continues]
511
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,160
[explosion]
512
00:19:29,250 --> 00:19:30,210
[Poison Ivy] Wha--
513
00:19:30,250 --> 00:19:31,920
Oh, my God. Are you good?
514
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,130
No.
515
00:19:33,170 --> 00:19:34,840
I'm fuckin' great.
516
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,210
[coughing]
517
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,670
The fuck, Frank?
They discontinued that one.
518
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,130
-[saw whirring]
-[screaming]
519
00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:42,220
[whirring continues]
520
00:19:42,260 --> 00:19:43,550
[Harley screams, grunts]
521
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:44,800
-[grunts]
-[Floronic Man] You!
522
00:19:44,890 --> 00:19:49,560
You psychotic, clown,
skank bitch!
523
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:50,810
Rude.
524
00:19:50,850 --> 00:19:52,350
I liked you better
when you were unconscious.
525
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,560
-[whirring]
-[screaming]
526
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:57,070
-[grunts] Timber!
-[Floronic Man groans]
527
00:19:57,110 --> 00:19:58,820
I have always wanted
to say that.
528
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:00,610
[growling]
529
00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:06,450
Why. Won't. You.
Just. Die. Already?
530
00:20:06,490 --> 00:20:09,000
-[saw whirring]
-[groaning]
531
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,500
[squelching]
532
00:20:10,540 --> 00:20:12,370
Ew!
533
00:20:12,460 --> 00:20:14,170
-Are you dead?
-[Floronic Man groans]
534
00:20:14,250 --> 00:20:15,130
Oh, you're dead.
535
00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:17,000
[gasping, grunts]
536
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:18,510
[panting]
537
00:20:18,590 --> 00:20:20,380
-[Harley] Ives? Ivy?
-[gasps]
538
00:20:22,220 --> 00:20:24,390
Holy shit, Harls.
539
00:20:25,220 --> 00:20:26,850
[tender music playing]
540
00:20:26,890 --> 00:20:27,720
You saved me.
541
00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:29,520
Well, of course, I did. [sighs]
542
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,640
Listen, I'm so sorry I made
this whole thing about me.
543
00:20:31,690 --> 00:20:33,400
When you didn't tell me
about Jason,
544
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,360
it just got to me, 'cause
you shouldn't hide things
545
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:36,360
from the people you love.
546
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,360
No. You're right, Harls.
547
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,110
I should've told you
everything.
548
00:20:40,190 --> 00:20:41,990
And I realize that this...
549
00:20:42,030 --> 00:20:44,450
This isn't something
that I could just,
550
00:20:44,490 --> 00:20:46,830
you know, sweep under the rug.
551
00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:47,990
[sighs]
552
00:20:48,030 --> 00:20:49,540
Well, good news is
we have plenty of wood
553
00:20:49,620 --> 00:20:51,120
for the bedroom fireplace.
554
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:52,710
It is actually electric.
555
00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:54,920
Just 'cause of, um,
the carbon footprint.
556
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,040
But, yes.
557
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:57,380
-[kissing]
-[door slams]
558
00:20:57,420 --> 00:20:59,000
-Huh?
-Whoa. Whoa.
559
00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:01,210
Look, assholes, I don't know
what you think you're doing,
560
00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:02,720
but he was the bad guy.
561
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:04,550
Yeah, where were you
ten minutes ago?
562
00:21:04,630 --> 00:21:07,050
We did your job for you.
You're welcome.
563
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,850
Are you guys gonna move
or are you gonna-- Wha--
564
00:21:09,890 --> 00:21:12,060
[whirring]
565
00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:18,310
-[warbling]
-[both grunting]
566
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:19,730
[warbling]
567
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,860
-What the shit?
-Where the hell are we?
568
00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:28,450
What are we going to do
with them, Koko?
569
00:21:28,530 --> 00:21:30,240
[chittering]
570
00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:31,450
Indeed.
571
00:21:32,660 --> 00:21:34,870
[theme music playing]
39947
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