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- Mrs. Pennant!

- What is it, Nanny?

- Will you kindly come up and deal with your child?

He refuses to come out of his bath.

- Oh, Nanny. Can't you cope?

No, I can't. He's upsetting my Elizabeth.

- Rodney, you'll have to come

and do something about Valentine.

- What?

- Rodney, Valentine won't come out of his bath,

and Nanny's absolutely furious.

- Oh, really Sabina.

It would save a little trouble,

if you'd bath little Valentine yourself.

- Save who a lot of trouble?

- Everybody.

After all, she's Mary's nanny, not ours.

You shouldn't ask her to do things for you.

Then she wouldn't be able to grumble.

- Will you come out with that bath?

No, I won't.

- Horrid little boy.

- I'm so sorry, Nanny.

In future I'll just have to bath him myself, that's all.

- I'm very willing to help you on occasion.

But you would have to discipline the child.

That's all right, darling.

- Well, young man?

- I won't, I won't go.

- Come out of that bath, before I get cross.

- NO-

- Why don't you just pick him up?

- You try.

You see?

Oh, darling. You are clever.

- Why can't you think for yourselves occasionally?

- Miss Mary's not paying me for you, Mrs. Pennant.

- How do I do that?

- Hey, why don't you drowned her while you're about it?

- Now.

- Hello! Who do you want?

Oh. I'm sorry, Mary.

I've had nothing but interruptions this evening.

That's right, my son, your daughter,

Nanny, Sabina, and now a boys bugle band.

- Well, I'm sorry to interrupt you again.

But I wanted to remind Sabina about Nanny's tea.

Twice this week she's complained to me

she's had to get it herself.

- I don't see why Sabina should wait on the old-

- Now, Rodney. She does help with Valentine, you know.

Rodney, I know.

But just to try and find another one.

All right.

Ooh, if Bruce gets home first,

tell him I won't be late, will you?

Goodbye.

- Goodbye, yes. Goodbye.

- Make me a good boy.

- Bless Mommy and Daddy.

- Bless Nanny.

"No!"

- Go on now, kind little boy. Bless Nanny.

- NO-

- You're a wicked one. You're a wicked one.

- Rodney, did you knock my clean things over?

- I did not.

They were burning.

I went across to move them, and they fell over.

- Well, why didn't you pick them up?

- I haven't time to do your work, as well as my own.

- Oh, darling. I know it's difficult for you.

But don't forget, if Mary and Bruce hadn't taken us in,

we'd still be looking for somewhere to live.

- You call this living?

- The kettle!

- Hey, close the door!

- What's the matter, darling?

- It's impossible to be creative in this atmosphere,

what with whistling kettles, and whistling draughts.

- Well, at least the whistling draughts

won't bother you anymore.

I found a screen.

- I bet you had to pay through the nose for it.

- Haven't got to pay for anything. I borrowed it.

- Who from?

- Victor.

- Oh.

- Why do you say Oh, like that?

- Oh, I'm sorry. I should have said, oh.

- You're being extremely childish about Victor.

He's been very kind to us.

- Very kind to you, you mean.

- Well, anyway he's got three screens and he only uses two.

So he said I could have the other one.

- That's disgusting, having all those screens.

- What do you mean?

- Well, only a flirty sort of fellow

would have three screens.

- Don't be absurd.

Oh my goodness. I've forgotten to put out Nanny's tea.

I'm so sorry, Nanny.

- It's quite all right, madam.

- Oh dear. Somebody's been at the chicken I'm afraid.

There's only one leg left.

- A leg will do nicely, madam.

- Let me help you with your salad.

- Thank you, madam.

- What's the matter, darling? No inspiration?

- It's no good, Sabina.

I can't work with you fitting in and out, and ironing.

- Well, I don't see why ironing should disturb you.

It doesn't make any noise, does it?

- It makes a clatter every time you

put it on that damn little iron thing.

- All right, Rodney.

I'll put it down so quietly, I promise you won't hear it.

- Oh, no.

- Well, what's the matter now?

- Now I shall be listening to see if I can hear it.

- Very well.

I'll leave the rest of the ironing till tomorrow,

and go and sit up in the bedroom.

- Sabina.

I'm sorry.

I know I'm being irritable, but it's just one of those days.

- I know, darling.

- It's not your fault I can't work.

I'm just not in the mood.

- I know what.

- What?

- You're going to relax completely for a bit.

- Oh, I know darling.

But I really want to get on with my work.

- No, you're going to lie down here,

and let the work go for a bit.

- Well, who's gonna mend my typewriter?

- Nevermind about your typewriter.

And now, cross your hands.

You relaxed yet?

- Well, not completely.

- That's because you're still thinking.

Try and make your mind a blank.

- Make my mind a blank?

- Yes, don't think about anything at all.

- Oh, I don't think I can possibly do that.

- Well, very well if you must think,

think about something pleasant and soothing, like

a boat drifting slowly down the stream on a Summer day,

or cattle grazing in a lush meadow.

- And which would you prefer?

- No darling, it's what you would prefer.

What are you thinking about?

Cattle drifting down stream in a boat.

- Is it helping you to relax?

- Not really. One of the cows keep falling out.

- You remember how I used to

stroke your forehead when you had neuralgia?

It always took it away, didn't it?

- Yes, darling. Always.

- If I can take away neuralgia, I ought to be able

to take away worrying thoughts too, shouldn't I?

Have you stopped thinking yet?

- Practically.

- Rodney, If I have the gift of taking

worrying thoughts out of your head,

perhaps after you've had a little rest,

and your head's been empty for a while,

I might find I can put some ideas into it.

- Darling, you are.

- Mrs. Pennant, Mrs. Pennant!

- What's the matter with her?

- Something's happened to Valentine.

Corning, Nanny.

Is anything wrong, Nanny?

- Is it your wish that your Valentine

should be in bed with my Elizabeth?

- Certainly not.

You must put him back in his own bed at once.

- I would prefer it if you did that yourself.

- You're a bad, bad boy. Mommy's very cross with you.

- In my opinion, the child deserves a sound spanking.

- Are you gonna spank Elizabeth?

- Elizabeth? Of course not.

Elizabeth did nothing to encourage him.

- How you girls stick together.

- And what do you mean by that remark?

- I mean, I can't believe any son of mine

would enter a ladies bed uninvited.

- Could the child encourage him? She can't talk.

- There are other ways.

- Anyway, you don't know what happened.

You were having your tea.

- And if I was? I suppose I must eat sometime.

- Well, of course you must.

- I beg your pardon.

I thought you were insinuating something.

- Really, Nanny. What is the matter with you?

- Everything, it appears.

Mrs. Banning is entitled to find fault with me.

But I would remind you that anything I do

for your child, I do to oblige you.

- Oblige, my foot.

You're doing it to make it worth your while.

- Be quiet, Rodney.

- I will not be quiet Rodney.

I won't be intimidated by you, even though you did

play fullback for the Norland Institute, in 1881.

- Rodney, how could you?

- Nanny, wait.

- And I'll tell you something else, Madam Blott.

You have a very peculiar face.

- Rodney.

- I'd be glad if you'd keep your husband's tone to yourself!

- You idiot.

- That's the way to talk to them.

It will have it's affect, you'll see.

- I don't doubt it. We'd better try and apologise.

Oh, Nanny I'm terribly sorry.

I've never been so insulted in my life.

I sure he wasn't-

- Ah, Eve. Heaven sent you in my hour of need.

I want your help.

- Just let me slip up to my room first.

- You can slip up in a moment. This is urgent.

Eve darling, can you explain, as a professional typist,

why every letter on this machine works

with the exception of the letter B?

Do suppose it doesn't want me to type rude words?

- But you wouldn't, would you?

- Darling, I adore you.

- I wish you wouldn't say things like that.

- Why not? We all adore you.

- I didn't mean that part. I mean calling me, darling.

I don't think you ought to.

- Ooh. You do feel strongly about it, don't you?

- It must seem ridiculous to you, but you see.

Oh, I can't tell you.

- Oh, I wish you would.

I mean, as a writer, I'm interested in psychology.

- Well, if you really think I can help you in your work.

- Oh, yes.

- I'll try to explain.

I suppose it's hard for a man to understand,

but for woman some words, sweet enough in themselves,

like perfume, can only call up bitter memories.

- You explained it beautifully, clear.

By the way, I suppose it's all right to call you dear?

- Yes, of course.

- Eve, dear.

Don't you think you're a bit young to have had a past?

- You can be disillusioned at any age.

- Poor Eve.

- Listen to me, Nanny.

- You listen to me, madam.

- All writers are temperamental sometimes.

He didn't mean it.

I think you are being very unreasonable.

Unreasonable?

- You see? That's what happens when we lose our temper.

- Well, it should work all right now.

- Thanks, darling, dear. That's fine.

- What ever is the matter?

- That woman. - Oh dear.

- Honest, I wouldn't have that old so-and-so

as a Nanny if I were paid to.

- Would you like me to type of description of her?

- What on Earth for?

- I now I have my full alphabet working again.

- Little darlings. What's the matter here?

I'm afraid I don't quite-

- Oh, dear.

- Come in.

- Sorry to bother you Nanny, but Elizabeth's crying.

- Let them.

- Oh, Nanny you're not leaving?

-|am.

Unless Mrs. Banning gives that Pennant man notice to go.

- I don't think you should

speak about Mr. Pennant like that.

- Why not, pray?

He's only a paying guest here, same as yourself.

- Here you are. Listen to this.

You're always saying I can't write dialogue.

Men don't understand.

But for women some words, sweet enough in themselves,

like perfume, can only call up bitter memories.

There. Has that got feeling, or hasn't?

- It's beautiful darling.

But, would anybody talk like that?

- You don't think they would?

- Well, I may be wrong darling. But no.

No, I don't think they would.

- Well, your are wrong, darling.

As a matter of fact, those very words

were spoken in this room only a few minutes ago.

- Who by?

- By Eve.

- Poor Eve. Mind you, I'm very fond of Eve.

I'm very sorry her for her, but-

- But. Now comes the catty bit.

- Not catty at all.

I was only going to say she must forget this man,

whoever he was, sometime, and look around for someone else.

- That's what you'd do in her place?

- Yes, I would.

- Well, I'm sure you would.

You'd start picking over the possibles

before I was cold in my grave.

- You are cruel.

- And you, on the other hand, are shadow.

Although you've left the stage for over three years,

you still can't resist putting on an act,

even though it's for an audience of one.

- The trouble with you, is you can't stand criticism.

- Well, of course I can.

But it's a bit galling when you immediately pour cold water

on the best bit of dialogue I've produced for weeks.

- You didn't produce it, Eve did.

- But I recognised its merit. Which is more than you did.

- Whenever I say what you write is wonderful,

I'm a good critic.

If I criticise, I don't know anything about it.

- All right, then. I shan't write the flaming thing at all.

I'll write a story about a wife

who tries to help her husband, and who doesn't natter.

That will be something new.

May I ask what my hat was doing on the draining board?

- If you want to know,

I was trying to get that ink stain out with milk.

- Thank you.

All that remains now is to get the milk stain out with ink.

- Hello, Mary.

What are staring at?

- I'm always fascinated by wasted energy.

Of course there's no harm in

relieving your feelings, so long as-

- So long as what?

- So long as you're not enjoying it.

- No jolly good, but they've begun to.

- It's a little difficult to be sympathetic

every time you and Rodney have a row.

- How'd you know we've had a row'?

- I met him as I came in. He was muttering.

- When he mutters, I could.

Mary, do you think it's my fault

we have all these squabbles?

- It's the fault of both of you.

- Thank you, darling.

You know what I think it is?

It's been together 24 hours a day.

If only Rodney could get a room out to work in.

- I know. I wish we had another room.

- Oh darling, don't think I'm ungrateful.

You couldn't have done more, to be my sister.

- Probably have done less.

- How can a romance and marriage

survive the sort of life we lead?

- Personally, I never deluded myself

you could take romance into marriage.

Wings are to fly with, not walk with.

Do like tinned fish balls?

No, nor do I. But fish balls it'll have to be.

- That's the sort of thing

that takes the magic out of marriage.

- You can't live forever

on a diet of wedding cake, you know?

- It's terribly important to keep the romantic side alive.

Whenever I feel Rodney and I drifting apart, I think back.

I compare us as we are, with what we were.

Makes me want to cry.

Do you ever think back to when Bruce fell in love with you?

- Of course. Afraid it makes me want to laugh.

- That's just the difference between us.

- Darling, I couldn't bear

to see you start peeling your fingers.

- You see, our meeting was so romantic.

He came to the theatre one night to see the play I was in

and fell in love with me at sight.

I didn't know. I only had a tiny part.

- Perhaps that was why.

- He came every night for fortnight,

loving me more and more.

He started in row M, and finished up in row A.

If that isn't romance.

- Hello?

No, it's Mary. Do you want to talk to her?

It's Rodney.

- Tell him I'm lying down.

She's lying down.

- What did he say?

- He says he only believes the lying part of it.

He wants to talk to you.

- Yes?

Yes, Rodney I know you.

You saying that because you've had

a few drinks, or do you mean it?

Oh, darling. What?

Wait a minute. I'll ask Mary.

Mary, do you think you could cope if I went out to dinner?

- Yes.

- Oh. Bless you, darling.

Yes, it's all right. Savoy? Heavenly.

Bye, darling.

Oh, Mary. Thanks awfully.

You must say for Rodney, he does know how to apologise.

Hello, Bruce.

- What on Earth?

What she is so excited about?

- Hello, darling. She's going out to dinner.

- Who with?

- Rodney.

- Oh, another row. Who's fault this time?

- I don't know. They both behave like a couple of kids.

I suppose it is being together all day, as Sabina said.

Oh, we're quite glad to see each other

at the end of the day, aren't we?

Well, I gave you the opening.

- Oh, I don't have to tell you I'm glad to see you.

- No, but it'd be rather nice if you did.

All the same, there is something in what Sabina says.

I doubt if we could survive,

living in the same room all day and everyday.

- Nonsense. It's a completely fallacious argument.

According to Sabina, we'd be glad to still

see each other at the end of the week.

It's a pity one of us doesn't live in Rhodesia.

Think how glad we should be

to see each other at the end of the year.

If you follow the thing to is logical conclusions,

the only way to be happily married is to live apart.

- It very often is.

- Oh, by the way. - Thank you.

- Do you want to eat in or out?

- Well, I don't want to go out. I've only just come in.

- Well in that case, it'll have to be out of a tin.

- There you are.

That's what our civilization has brought us to,

baked beans, canned food, canned music, potted psychology.

It makes me sick.

- Dear old reactionary, aren't you?

You should lived 100 years ago.

- Yes, I wish I had.

Do you know on my present income,

I could have had a large house in the country?

We could have kept horses and servants,

had wine to drink, and meat to eat.

We could have sat under the cedars on the lawn

and played with our six children.

- Oh? You'd have had six children?

Certainly.

- Not with this wife, you wouldn't.

- Oh, with a hearty buxom wife

who'd adore me and the children,

who'd spend her time between the kitchen and the dairy,

and the nursery and the garden.

- What a revolting picture.

- For who? - Me.

- May I point out that she wouldn't be you,

and therefore she might enjoy it?

Which reminds me of you been up to see Elizabeth yet?

- No, I expect she's asleep.

- She may be dead.

- No. Nanny would have told me.

- I wonder if I can find a taxi.

- Take a bus.

- Don't be silly. In this dress?

Oh.

Do you like it?

- No, I prefer you in dungarees.

Attractive women shouldn't need artificial aids to beauty.

- Do you think I'm attractive?

- That was a generalisation, and not to be taken personally.

- It's Victor. He's brought the screen.

- Oh no.

- Hello, Victor.

- Hello, darling. I'm as good as my word, you see.

Come and give me a hand, old man.

You're an absolute angel.

- I wouldn't say that.

- Evening, Manifold.

- Evening, Banning, old boy.

Ha ha.

- I told Rodney you were bringing the screen.

He was awfully glad.

- I beg your pardon, sir.

- On Earths Banning up to, extraordinary fella. I don't know.

Come on Banning, old chap.

Now, where would you like it, darling?

- Over here I think.

No, I think over there would be better.

- Over there, old man.

Be careful with it.

- Oh Victor, it's lovely.

- And so are you, if I may say so.

- Thank you, darling. I'm just going out to dinner.

In fact I should be there now, if only I could find a taxi.

- Oh, don't worry about taxis.

I'll drive you anywhere you want to go.

- I feel like a wash.

- Well, what's the matter?

- Nothing. Just I feel like a wash.

- Pull.

- Whiskey.

Victor, where on Earth did you get it?

- Don't ask silly questions, darling.

Let's have a drink before we go.

- I hate to be inhospitable, but I'm late already.

- Well, you can't refuse me a drink of my own whiskey.

- Oh, darling. Of course have a drink.

No, no no. Not for me, thank you.

- Are you sure?

Wherever have you got to be, and when?

- The Savoy, five minutes ago.

- And who is giving the party?

- There's no party. I'm dining with Rodney.

- Well, then we needn't hurry.

- Come in.

Nanny, I wonder if you'd mind.

Oh Nanny, no.

- Time for another?

- Well, there wasn't really time for that one.

- Don't worry, darling.

Husband's will always wait, unfortunately.

- Excuse me.

Not off yet?

- No, just going. Had a nice wash?

- No, the water was stone cold,

the towels were sopping wet, and there wasn't any soap.

- Oh, Bruce I'm terribly sorry.

But the chemistry only had that awful antiseptic stuff-

- You like Chanel's Gardenia?

I can get you as much as you want.

- Oh, Victor can you? Heavenly.

Mary, Victor says he can get us some Chanel Gardenia.

- It would be more to the point

if he could get us a new nanny.

- Oh, Mary. She isn't leaving?

Oh, and I did everything I could to smooth her down.

- You didn't succeed.

- I'm terribly sorry.

-So am I.

- Oh dear.

Well I suppose I'd better not go out now.

Nonsense. Of course you must go.

Rodney is waiting for you.

- Well, if you're sure it's all right.

We may as well go then.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye. - Bye.

- Oh, unwholesome type.

- Victor?

- Yeah. Chanel, Gardenia.

What's the matter with Wright's Coal Tar?

- Nothing, darling.

If you like Wright's Coal Tar,

I'll give you a cake for your birthday.

- I require some assistance with my trunk, Mr. Banning.

- Hey, what's this for?

- The whiskey.

- Don't be silly. I meant it as a present.

- I'm thinking what Rodney would think.

- That I had designs on you?

Just because I give you two bottles of whiskey?

- Two bottles of whiskey.

He'd probably think you're designs had succeeded.

- Then he's a poor psychologist.

- Why?

- Well if they had, it'd be one bottle, not two.

- All the same, I prefer to pay for it.

- All right, if you insist.

Does this entitle me

to make love to you with a clear conscience?

- No, darling.

Oh, Victor. I don't play fair, do I?

I let you help me, and do things for me

while Rodney was away and I didn't-

- I didn't expect you to.

You're not the sort of woman to be unfaithful

to her husband behind his back.

- Thank you, darling.

- That's why I was so pleased when he came home.

- Well, the old battleship has steamed off.

Where do we go from here?

- Find another one, if it's humanly possible.

- I suppose you wouldn't consider

looking after Elizabeth yourself, would you?

- What about my job?

- Oh yes, your job.

- Tails.

- Happy. Darling?

- Oh, blissfully.

But you know, darling,

it's not so much the champaign and the music,

or the glamour and excitement.

- I know, darling.

It's being with the one person who really matters.

- It's knowing somebody else will do the washing up.

- Well, you might wait until I've finished.

Hey, where's my fountain pen?

- On the dresser.

I borrowed it to write out an advertisement for a nanny.

- You've been advertising every day

for a fortnight, without a single reply yet.

- Oh, Valentine stop teasing Elizabeth.

- Where is it? I can't see it.

- Excuse me, old man.

- Oh, morning. - There there, there there.

- I wish you wouldn't borrow my things.

Nothing belongs to me in this house.

Why can't I have things of our own?

- Stop that, won't you?

- What's the matter with you?

- Oh Sabina don't. Please don't.

- I'm sorry Bruce. I didn't mean to shout at you.

- Of course you didn't.

You're just a bit on edge, that's all.

Looking after Elizabeth as well as Valentine

is obviously too much for you.

- No, it's not the children.

It's trying to cook, and clean,

and wash up all at the same time.

- Yes, I know.

You know, Mary aught to give up her job,

and do her share of the work.

- I suppose you're being pretty tough on her.

- Well, it's obvious something has to be done.

We can't go on as we are. The result's chaos.

- What do you mean, chaos?

- Precisely what I say.

I mean meals late, everything anyhow.

- Hardly anything is anyhow.

- What about lunch yesterday?

What about it?

- What time did we eventually have it?

- Half past one.

- Half past one? Try for two.

- Can I help it if the clock stopped?

Oh, haven't you gone yet?

- I'm taking the day off.

I'm determined to find a nanny today,

or perish in the attempt.

- Do you really think there's any hope?

I mean we've tried every employment agency in London.

- Who said anything about employment agencies?

Your hat, sir. Your hat, sir.

- Oh, what a little darling. How old is she?

- It's a he.

- He really is a lovely child.

- You can have him.

- Why, what do you mean?

- What I said.

- Oh, forgive me but, well it seems

that you're not quite happy in your present post.

If you're considering making a change-

- I certainly am.

- Well, as it happens I'm looking for a new nanny.

- Well, don't look at me. I'm going to join the police.

- Stop following me, young woman.

Or I'll call the park keep and give you in charge.

- But Nanny, I'm simply

putting a business proposition to you.

- I've heard about girls being tempted by strangers

with promises of high wages and an easy life.

How many of them have ever been seen again?

- Good afternoon.

Please don't think me impertinent, but I'm desperate-

I suppose you couldn't help me? I'm tying-

You don't happen to know of anybody-

- Lovely afternoon, isn't it'?

- Lovely.

- Does me good to watch little ones enjoying themselves.

Just look at them. Bless their little hearts.

- Bless them.

- I come here every afternoon.

Of course I'm retired now,

but somehow I'm not happy without children around me.

Once a nanny, always a nanny, I suppose.

Excuse me, my dear.

But are you feeling quite all right?

♪ Bah bah black sheep have you any wool ♪

♪ Yes sir yes sir three bags full ♪

♪ One for the master one for the dame ♪

♪ One for the boy on the lane ♪

- No good?

- NO-

- Well, you go to sleep, you rascal. Good night you, then.

What's all the fuss about, huh?

Hey. Steady on, darling. What's the matter?

- Oh Rodney, it was awful.

- Awful? - A man.

- A man?

- Who followed me all the way from the tube.

When I walked faster, he'd walk fast.

And finally I ran.

- There there, darling. You'll get over it.

Look, why don't you run upstairs and lie down a little bit.

You'll feel better then.

- Yes, I think I Will.

- That's a good girl.

Yes, you've had quite a shock.

- By Jove. That girl Eve can certainly walk.

I've been trying to catch her up all the way from the tube.

- Well, you frightened her out of her life, let me tell you.

- Oh, so that was it was it? Well, well well.

- Don't you realise by now that to Eve, the entire

male population consists of Don Juans and Casanovas?

You'd better apologise.

- I wouldn't disillusion her for the world.

Can I give you a hand, Sabina? Let me take this.

- Oh, yes. Could you lay the table?

- Yes, of course. You look all in.

- I made the beds yet,

and I must get them done before Mary comes in.

- Dear Sabina, so delightfully incompetent,

a really womanly woman.

- Well, you should thank Heaven for it.

- Not when it comes to burned rice pudding,

and half cooked potatoes.

- Here, come on. You can lend a hand with this.

- Yes, if you helped a bit more with the little things,

you might begin to realise what Sabina is up against.

- Well, she could do it if only she'd concentrate.

But she can't.

She's wishing all the time she was doing something else.

She has a fluffy mind.

- What do you expect? She's a fluffy type.

- Is that meant to be offensive?

- Oh, not at all but you should be thankful

to have a thoroughly feminine wife.

There's no modern nonsense about Sabina.

She knows where a woman's place.

- Yes, The Savoy. - Rodney?

Do you know where the aspirins are?

- You'll find them in the kitchen, in the Sago tin.

- You don't look too bright tonight, Eve.

- No, poor Eve.

She had rather an unpleasant experience on the way home.

- I was followed by a man.

- Good heavens. What did he look like?

- Horrible.

I only looked back once but,

he must've been after me cause he waved.

- What a gnome, and impertinent.

- That's when I began to run.

Luckily, he was too old to keep up with me.

- What?

- You better sit down, and take it easy.

- Where is everybody?

I've got the most wonderful news.

I found a nanny.

- Well done, Mary.

The old country can still muster a nanny in a crisis.

- It's one thing to get on nanny. It's another to keep her.

- Well, that's what I want to talk to you about.

If we're going to keep this one, we must avoid

the mistakes we made with the last one.

- What you are leading up to is that

I must never asked her to do anything for my Valentine.

- Well, that's where we went wrong before, wasn't it?

She was in our pay, and in the end

she did as much for you as for us.

- Well, this time let's share her salary.

Then she'll be equally ours.

- Well that's not solution, I'm afraid.

The only thing is to try my idea.

- And what is your idea?

- Simplicity itself.

We just let Nanny think

that Valentine and Elizabeth are brother and sister.

- Mary, what a brainwave.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

- If they're going to be brother and sister,

that would mean they'd have to have

the same father and mother.

- Of course.

- And who do you propose the father and mother should be?

- Well, as I'm out all day,

and the mother should be on the spot,

I think it ought to be Rodney and Sabina.

- Well, that seems fair enough.

What do you say, Bruce?

- What do I say? I say it's an unnatural arrangement.

Do you seriously expect me to give up

all claim to Elizabeth just like that?

- Well, if you feel so strongly about it Bruce

we could divide the parentage.

You'll be the father, and I'll be the mother.

- Wouldn't seem a little odd,

you and I sleeping in the same room?

- Yes, I suppose it would.

- Well, the whole thing's ridiculous.

- Well, there's no point in arguing Bruce.

As a matter of fact, it's got to be Sabina.

— Why?

- Because I tell Nanny it was for my sister's children.

- So we're going to be sisters, are we?

- Well, it was the only way

I could persuade her to come to us.

She was telling me how happy she was in her last job

with June Marriott, the actress.

So I said, well my sister was in a play with June Marriott,

and that just turned the scales.

- Were you in a play with June Marriott?

- Yes, and I loathed her.

- It was probably mutual.

Personally speaking,

I think you did a very clever job, Mary.

- Well it's all and well for you.

What do I become, an uncle?

- By marriage, dear.

- No, I refuse to accept Rodney as the father of my child.

- Surely rather Rodney,

than some strange man you didn't know.

- Well, do you agree or don't you?

Because if you don't, I shall just have

to ring her up and put the whole thing off.

- Oh no, Mary. Don't do that.

I'm sure Bruce wouldn't mind being Uncle,

once he gets used to the idea.

After all, it's worth some sacrifice

to keep a nanny for more than a fortnight.

- Bruce, yours.

- Bruce?

- There you are, my man.

- Here, missus. You can't carry them heavy bags.

I'll give you a hand.

- Oh I can manage, thank you.

I'm not in my old age yet, you know?

You wouldn't think I'd been mother

to 45 children, would you?

- Blimey, no.

- It's her.

- Well, let's start off with a good impression.

She can see you too later.

- Is this Mrs. Banning? Oh, yes. How do you do, Mary dear.

- Good evening, Nanny. Do come in.

- Let me help you. - Oh, thank you.

- This is my sister, Mrs. Pennant.

- How do you do, madam?

Oh, why you're only a baby yourself, aren't you dear?

Shall I show you upstairs, Nanny?

You just follow me.

- My sister tells me you were with June Marriott, Nanny.

- Yes, a delightful woman. Not at all like an actress.

- Not at all.

- Good mother, and a good wife.

And never a breath of scandal.

- Never a breath.

- This is your room, Nanny.

- What a cosy little nest.

- I do hope you'll be comfortable.

- Bless your heart. I shall be as snug as a bug in the rug.

Now where's my nursery?

I can't wait to see my babies.

- In here, Nanny.

- Well, dear. - How do you do?

- How do you do? Oh, bless his heart. What lovely manners.

Now what would their ages be?

- You mean, how old are they?

- Well, that's what I said.

- Elizabeth's two.

- And Valentine's two and a half.

- Don't be silly, Sabina. He must be more than that.

- I know how old he is.

Oh, of course I meant that he was

two and a half last birthday.

My sister's a little vague about time.

- Not about daily routine, I hope.

I train my children to my rhythm.

Rhythm is essential to regularity, and regularity is rhythm.

Getting them up, or sitting them down,

the daily timetable must be observed.

Goodness gracious me.

High time that some little people I know

are on their way to bed, before the Sandman gets them.

You can come up and say good night later.

Now my pretties, I'm going to give you a dear little bath y.

Oh, Mary. All our worries are over.

Sabina.

- Corning, darling.

Oh, darling she's an absolute dream, a treasure, a joy.

I wish you could have seen Valentine.

- Sabina, nanny on no nanny you know perfectly well

I have an important appointment at seven o'clock.

And I want something to eat.

- Yes.

Would you rather the potatoes were

not quite cooked and the pie just right,

or the pie over cooked and the potatoes just right?

- Yes.

What's the matter?

- The pie.

- Oh no, Sabina. Not again. This is the last straw.

- It certainly is the last straw.

I come in here ready to apologise,

and you don't give me a chance.

You fly into a temper.

- Well, what do you expect?

I have an important meeting before me.

And I'm starving, do you hear? Starving.

- Well if your starving, then cut yourself a piece of cake.

- I can't, there isn't any.

- How do you know?

- I had it for tea.

- There you are, that proves it.

- It proves what?

- You can't have your cake and eat it.

- Well, who said I could?

- You do. You expect me to be cooking

and setting in a nanny.

You want a nanny, don't you?

- It's you who wants a nanny.

I'm beginning to think the day I married you

was the worst day's work of my life.

- It was the last day's work.

- That's a lie. I work every day.

- Not like I do.

If you don't feel like writing, you don't write.

How would you feel if I said to you,

there's no dinner, I didn't feel like cooking?

- Very much as I feel now.

- I believe in the larder, there's some-

- No Sabina. I will not eat cold Semolina pudding.

- Well, how's Nanny getting on?

- She's telling them a bedtime story.

Honestly, the woman's a perfect gem.

Why, Sabina.

No, better not.

- You know, I'm afraid Sabina's nerves are in a bad way.

- Nonsense. She's got no emotional control.

- You're a cold-blooded fish.

- You mean I'm a civilised adult, I take it.

- Sometimes I wish you weren't so civilised.

Then perhaps, you might prefer looking after your own child

to working in a chemical laboratory.

- What's really upsetting, is that I've found a nanny.

You hoped I wouldn't, didn't you? Didn't you?

Before we were married, remember,

'twas walking down Barkley Street and you said,

as far as your work is concerned,

I never want you to do anything you don't want to

because you're married to me.

- But I still don't want you

to do anything you don't want to do.

All I want is, that you should want to.

Do you see what I mean?

- Suddenly, the old woman turned into a beautiful fairy,

all gowns and gossamer if you please.

And with her wand, whate'er befalls you, tiny one.

Now go to the ball.

Well now, imagine Cinderella's surprise

when her dirty rags turned into a beautiful golden gown.

And on her feet were little twinkling glass slippers.

But, said the fairy, after the stroke of 12

you must not stay or back to rags you'll change.

And so away.

And so Cinderella was whisked off

to the palace in a glittering glass coach.

And as soon as she entered the ballroom,

Prince Charming fell in love with her,

and the ugly sisters were simply furious.

All night long, Prince Charming danced with Cinderella.

And they lived happily ever after.

- Oh, I hope dinner's ready.

- So do I. I feel jolly peckish.

- Are you two fondly supposing you're gonna get some dinner?

- Well, aren't we?

- Oh, Lord. We better eat out, I suppose.

- Well, do you fancy a sandwich at the local,

or a Welch rabbit at the Old Engel Nook.

- Oh, the local. I feel like a beer.

Eve? We're going across to the pub.

Will you follow us over?

All right.

- What are you all dolled up for?

- For psychological reasons

that you couldn't possibly understand.

You can't imagine the effect it has on a woman,

going a bottle all day looking like a drab.

Putting on real clothes, and doing one's face

has the effect of, well, of a champagne supper.

- It's a pity I can't get

the same effect by changing my trousers.

- Aren't you going to say you're sorry before you go?

- Say I'm sorry?

- For being such a bear.

- It's no use, Sabina.

- I see.

I don't attract you anymore.

- I didn't say that.

Look, I must be going. I'm late already.

I said I must be going.

I may be late.

So don't wait up for me.

- Might I trouble you for the mustard, please?

- Would you mind changing places with me, Bruce?

- No, no.

- May I come in?

- Victor, how nice to see you.

- You're looking very charming this evening.

You expecting someone?

- No, I'm all alone. I need cheering up.

- I'll do my best.

- But first, you must help me clear the way.

- Of course.

Remarkably clean plates and all, huh?

- Yes aren't they?

- What's the story behind this?

- I spoiled the supper, so they've all gone out.

That's why I'm alone.

- What about you? Would you like to come out?

- No thanks.

I'd much rather stay here and talk to you.

- What should we talk about?

- Oh, life in general. Can you see any point in it?

- Not in general, no. But there are certain moments.

- Help yourself to a drink.

- Thank you.

One for you?

- You know, I rather think I will.

- Now, tell me what's been getting you down.

No, no. On second thought, don't.

- Why not?

- Well, it won't cheer you up

to talk about your domestic squabbles.

- Who said anything about domestic squabbles?

- Darling, you needn't pretend with me.

I can read your every thought.

- Really? What am I thinking now?

- You're wondering if it would relieve your feelings

to have an affair with me.

- You're flattering yourself.

I haven't the slightest intention

of having an affair with you.

- Well, have another drink.

- No thanks.

- You're now thinking that another drink

might weaken your resolution.

- Not at all.

I'll have another, thank you.

You seem to have no fears about your resolution.

- Oh, but I have.

Who wouldn't when sitting next

to such a charming and desirable woman?

- Do you really think I'm desirable?

Or are you just being polite?

- I think any unattainable woman's desirable.

The trouble is so few are.

- The trouble with you is you've known too many women.

Probably all of the wrong sort.

- They always are, in retrospect. What a comfort that is.

- A love affair with you is like a bad cold, something to be

got out of your system as quickly as possible.

- Exactly.

- I could never love like that,

thinking it all out beforehand.

If I love, I want to throw everything to the wind.

- Not your Benedictine too, my sweet.

- No, darling.

Thank you, darling.

I only knew I'm terribly unhappy.

And nobody can help me, nobody. Nobody knows.

- Nobody knows what?

- I don't know.

- Darling.

Don't let's speak, don't let's move.

- Why?

- This is the climax.

This is a moment that always comes,

when the unattainable becomes attainable,

when one knows that one can.

But one doesn't.

It's then that men feel Godlike.

- I don't feel a bit Godlike.

- Sabina, darling-

- No, go away. It's too late now.

- How like a woman.

You don't like it when I don't kiss you.

And when I try to, you won't let me.

What do you want?

- I'm wanting you to kiss me because you couldn't help it.

- Well, I Will.

- No, you can't now.

You've been helping it for the last five minutes.

- Oh.

- Hello, Bruce. - Hello.

- Evening, Banning.

- Evening.

Mary and Eve have gone to the pictures.

- You were telling me where to get pickled walnuts.

- Oh yes, yes. I must take you down there sometime.

Do.

- Well, there doesn't seem much more I can do here.

Goodbye, Sabina.

- Thank you for helping me to clear it away.

- Goodnight, old boy.

- Is it cold out?

- Yes. One notices the contrast, coming in.

Meaning?

- Sabina. - What?

- Well, I know it's none of my business.

- Then shut up.

- Telling you where to get pickled walnuts.

- He was. Don't you believe me?

- I don't know. If you would say so.

But it was the most extraordinary attitude

I've ever seen a person take up

to tell another person where to get pickled walnuts.

- Are you in the habit of seeing people

tell other people where to get pickled walnuts?

- Yes, I've seen a lot of people

tell other people where to get things,

and not only pickled walnuts, either.

- Oh, it's impossible to make you understand.

- I understand well enough.

You've had no supper, and too much to drink.

- Nonsense. I've only had two tiny ones.

- Well, if got that far on two,

where would you have got on three?

- Thanks to you, we shall never know.

- Oh.

And you're all such a simpleton.

You don't think Victor's serious, do you?

Why, if you ever told him you were gonna

leave Rodney and go away with him,

he'd be out of that door like greased lightning.

- I have not the lightest intention

of leaving Rodney, and Victor knows it.

- Oh, I see.

Just a nice little intrigue

to while away the lonely evenings.

Very pretty.

- Oh, for Heaven's sakes

stop bating me with your superior head.

I'm fed up with marriage. Rodney doesn't appreciate me.

Nobody appreciates me. I wish I were dead.

- Oh, Sabina. You're so kind hearted.

Well, I'm very grateful.

- Now now, please listen Sabina.

I've said all the nasty things about you.

It's only fair to say the nice things too.

- You're going to have a job to think them up, aren't you?

- Not at all.

I was telling Rodney only this evening that he should

thank Heaven you're the sort of woman you are.

- Oh, Bruce were you? Do tell me why.

- Well, you'll have all the womanly qualities.

You're human and warmhearted.

And what's more, you've got guts.

You had the courage to give up your profession,

and take on a job you hate,

because you wanted to be a wife to your man.

- Yes.

I don't know why you've bothered to talk to me like this.

- Well, I know you're not the sort of woman to behave like.

Well, that's what upset me.

- No, you're quite right.

I did behave like, what you didn't say.

I wanted to satisfy my vanity.

I wanted to kick that every woman gets out of knowing

she can still make somebody want her.

Now, I suppose you despise me more than ever.

- Oh, it's a very human weakness.

- You've been very sweet to me.

- Not at all. Rodney is my friend.

- Of course.

I like very much, Bruce.

- I like you too.

- And because I like you so much,

I'll try and live up to your good opinion of me.

- Oh, thank you.

And will you promise me not to go around kissing men

just to get the kick out of it.

- I can try.

- And the next time you're faced with temptation,

will you count up to five and think of me.

Like this. One, two, three, four,

five.

What then?

- By then the danger should have passed.

- It hasn't.

- Sabina, you promised!

- To think about you, and I did.

And now I shan't be able to think about

anything else forever and ever.

- But this is terrible.

- What's terrible about it? It's Heaven.

Now, you kiss me.

- Excuse me, madam.

I've made you and your husband a nice cup of cocoa.

- Rodney.

- Rodney! No, Rodney come back, old chap.

It isn't what you think at all.

Oh, Rodney.

No, Rodney come back, old chap.

It isn't what you think at all.

Rodney, come back.

- Oh, darling. It's no use.

It's no use, he's gone.

Oh Bruce, what are we going to do?

- Well, there's nothing we can do now.

Nevermind, Sabina.

I'll go to Rodney first thing in the morning and I'll,

I'll tell him exactly how it all happened.

I hope he'll understand.

- Oh, I hope he will.

But what about Mary?

- Oh. Oh yes, Mary.

Look, Sabina.

Hadn't we better get out of the way quick,

before she comes in?

- Yes, I couldn't face her now.

Yes. Yes, we'll tell her in the morning.

- Yes.

Steady.

Well,

goodnight, Sabina.

- Goodnight, Bruce.

- That's right, madam.

We must see that he gets his beauty sleep, mustn't we?

- Goodnight, Sabina.

- Goodnight, Bruce.

- Shan't be a moment, darling. Goodnight, Nanny.

- Pleasant dreams, sir.

- Thank you.

- I'm going to do my exercises. It's a lovely morning.

Arms up, up. Arms out.

Arms up, arms up. That's right.

One, two. One, two. Now, forward. Bend, forward.

Oh, I think that's enough for this morning.

Now, my darling you can go and play.

I must go and wake mommy and daddy.

Oh, there now madam.

And I was just going to bring you up a nice cup of tea.

- Oh, Nanny. How very kind of you.

But you mustn't spoil us.

- Now, I'll make haste,

and make your husband his 'fore he gets up.

He is up, I'm afraid.

We're not used to all this attention.

- You are early risers.

- Morning, Eve.

- Morning.

I thought I'd get my tray and go back to bed.

Yes, do.

Nanny, this is Eve.

- How do you do, dear. Another sister?

- No, just a friend.

- Well, you run back to bed, dear.

I'll bring you up some breakfast.

- Oh, thanks all.

- Really Nanny, I can't have you

running up and down all those stairs.

Well, the first time the stairs began to bother me,

I'll know it's time I retired for good.

What on Earth are you doing?

- Just going down to breakfast, darling.

- But it's Sunday.

Good heavens, is it?

- Yes.

And if you thought it wasn't Sunday,

what are you doing in those clothes?

- Can't imagine, darling.

Nor can I.

- Well, not that I'm up I might as well stay up.

Wait a minute, I think I've forgotten something.

- You've forgotten it's Sunday.

- Oh yes. That was it.

You're behaving very oddly this morning.

- Yes, darling. I know.

I mean, am I?

- Oh he did, did he?

Thank you very much. That's all I wanted to know.

No, no message. And please don't say I called.

Goodbye.

- Good morning, Sabina.

- Oh, Bruce. Thank heavens you're up.

It's been all I could do to prevent Nanny

from taking up the cups of tea to everybody in the house.

- Well, I got up as soon as I woke.

Mary thought it very odd.

- Have you told her?

- Oh no, no before breakfast isn't

a very good time to tell Mary things.

- Well, you better hurry up.

- Oh, dear. Isn't life difficult?

- Poor darling, I suppose you're

still worrying about Rodney.

- No, I'm not.

I've just telephoned his club,

and they say he spent the night there.

I expect he'll be home any minute now.

- Well nevermind, Sabina. I'll stand by you.

- Oh, Bruce.

It's such a comfort to have a real man to turn to.

- I rather find it a comfort

to have a real woman to turn to me.

- Now now, you love birds.

- Thank you, Nanny. Coffee.

- If only we could sit like this forever.

- Will somebody please tell me why you two

are sitting there like a couple of babes in the woods?

- Well you see, Mary, the whole-

- Here's the toast. - Ah, toast.

- Good morning, Nanny.

- Perhaps Daddy will come up and have

a little game with his chicks after breakie.

- Right after breakie, Nanny. Yes.

- Oh, let me dear.

- Well?

- Well, you see Mary, it's rather difficult to explain.

But Nanny's got to get into her head

that Bruce is married to me.

- That was clear even to my dull mind.

What I want to know is why?

- Well, you see Mary, something happened last night.

- No Mary, no no no, nothing happened, only-

- Nanny came in and found us in well,

what's called a compromising situation.

- It wasn't planned, Mary. You must believe that.

It took us both completely by surprise, didn't it?

- Completely. One moment everything was normal.

And then suddenly everything was upside down.

- Are you telling each other, or me?

- It was my fault, Mary.

I was crying and Bruce was sorry for me.

And then so sweet to me, that I forgot myself.

- Oh, I forgot myself too, don't forget.

- But I forgot myself first.

In a flash, Mary, I realised that you and I

should have married each other's husbands.

Oh Mary, don't just sit there drinking your coffee.

Call me names if you want to.

- I'm sorry to disappoint you,

but I haven't any intention of making a scene.

- There we are, the perfect machine at work.

Am I in danger of losing my self control?

Press button B, and get it back.

- But I can see you're angry all the same.

- Of course I'm angry.

I'm angry because neither of you

seem to realise the consequences of your little frolic.

- I resent that word, frolic.

- Well, whatever it was then. I'm not concerned with that.

It's the wanton carelessness of it that I can't forgive.

If you must do these things,

now why choose the first night of a new nanny?

- I was going to suggest, madam,

that if you'd like to leave the lunch to me,

you could take the children out this morning.

- Oh, Nanny. How nice.

- Not at all, madam. I love cooking.

- That's the woman we're going to lose.

- I'm terribly sorry. Surely there's something we can do.

- Couldn't we say I mistook Sabina for you in the dark?

- It wasn't dark.

- NO-

There's only one way out.

After all, you've made your bed.

- You mean go on pretending-

- But you can't be serious, Mary.

- But it would mean-

- All it would mean is that Nanny must think

that you and Bruce share the same room.

Nothing else, of course.

- Well. - Well.

- It's our only hope of keeping her.

- When you put it like that, it seems almost our duty.

I better go and warn Eve.

We don't want her to say anything awkward.

- Oh, if you're going upstairs Bruce,

you might help with the beds.

- Certainly. Which shall I start with? Yours or Sabina's?

- Oh, you naughty naughty little girl.

Oh, look at yourself. Oh, what a pot.

Oh, I'll have to deal with this in the bathroom. Oh dear.

I wonder if there's another dress for Miss Elizabeth, madam.

I'm afraid there's been an accident.

- An accident to Elizabeth?

- Oh, she's up to no harm.

Though Heaven knows, she might've done.

The moment by back was turned, my little miss ate

the whole pot of cold cream, if you please.

- Oh my goodness. We must do something.

- Oh, that's all right, madam.

She's parted with it.

- Are you sure?

- Quite sure, madam. There's no cause for alarm.

It's extraordinary how some children will eat everything.

It's Elizabeth's the handful of those two.

But of course you wouldn't know, being only an aunt.

- I don't think you should say that about Elizabeth.

After all, you hardly know the children yet.

- Oh, I can always tell.

I also noticed that with two children,

all the good qualities of the parents go into the one,

and all the bad into the other.

In this case, it's Master Valentine's the lucky one.

- What's that about Valentine?

- Hello, Rodney.

We were just talking about the children.

- Oh.

Valentine's a fine little chap, isn't he?

- Oh, he certainly is.

And what's more, he's inherited his father's good looks.

- Oh, I don't know about that. It's a bit early to say.

I mean, he's only about that high.

- Come along, Nanny.

- And I'll wager he'll have his father's charm too.

- Oh, so.

- Did you turn the mattress, dear?

- Well, what have you got to say for yourself?

- I think that question might more easily come from me.

- Turn on your heel like that, and walk out of the house

without even waiting for an explanation.

- I have all the explanation I needed.

- It's always the same with you, Rodney.

Whenever I do something you don't like,

before I have time to explain or do anything,

you go and do something I despise-

- Oh right, string a lot of words together

and confuse the issue.

If there's any despising to be done, I'm the one to do it.

- Because I happened to kiss Bruce?

- Because I happened to see you, that's all.

What beats me is why you should pick Bruce of all people?

- Why did you say Bruce of all people like that?

- Well, because.

Because he isn't that kind of a man.

Now had it been Victor, I could have understood it.

- If only you'd come home a little earlier,

it would have been.

- What was it, a competition or something?

- Oh. Oh, Victor behaved abominably,

tried to take advantage of, kissing me against my will.

And then Bruce came in, and I turned to him,

as a ship seeks shelter in a storm.

I was so grateful to him, that I kissed him.

- Out of gratitude.

- Can't you see that in a way,

my kissing Bruce was a compliment to you.

- I suppose to him, it was an insult.

- He said I had the courage to give up everything,

because I wanted to be a wife to my man.

That's you, Rodney.

- Oh, thanks for the reminder.

- Oh, I know I encouraged Victor.

But that was because I was unhappy.

You made me feel as if I could never

be the sort of wife you would want,

that I'd always be incompetent and disappoint you.

I suppose I was trying to bolster up my self respect.

All I did was to lose it.

I hated Victor and myself, and I wanted to die.

- Sabina.

- Can you forgive me?

- Well, you're so unpredictable.

- I'll try to be more predictable.

Oh, Mary. Rodney's been so good and understanding.

- Well, I'm very glad to hear it.

Does he agree that it's the only thing to do?

- To do? To do what? What?

- Oh, I haven't told him about that.

Then, it's about the time you did.

- Oh, good morning.

- Oh, good morning. Sorry about the golf.

- Oh yes, we were to play this morning. Yes.

- It's too late now, isn't it?

- I'm afraid it is.

- PW-

- That's all right, old man.

- When's daddy coming up to see his little boy?

Corning, darling.

- Oh, I'll go now if it'll please her.

- She didn't mean you, Rodney.

- No, darling, you see, she thinks

Bruce is the children's daddy.

- Then what did she mean by saying that

Valentine has inherited my good looks?

- Not yours, Bruce's.

- Bruce's?

- You see, after last night,

Nanny thinks that Bruce is married to me.

We've got to keep up the pretence,

because otherwise we're afraid she'll give notice.

- You'd better go up if you promised.

- Oh, right.

- So that's the little plan? Very pretty, I must say.

- Now don't be difficult, Rodney.

- Difficult? You calmly expect me to stand by,

and let that Bruce usurp my conjugal rights?

- But he wouldn't, really. He'd only pretend to.

♪ Lum did he lum did he lum la la ♪

- That's right, hit him. That's right.

Faster, faster, giddy up.

Oh, very good, Daddy.

♪ Lum did he lum did he la la la ♪

- Isn't it enough, I come home

and find my wife in the arms of another man?

How do you think I've been feeling since then?

Do you realise how I spent last night?

I walked the streets for hours.

- You walked the streets?

- Yes. All night. I just wanted to get away from everything.

- Oh, you worm. You didn't walk any streets.

You spent the night in bed at your club, didn't you?

Oh, I despise a man who lies to get sympathy.

Bruce would never lie like that, would he Mary?

You wanted to frighten me, to make me think

you'd thrown yourself into the river.

So that when you came back, I'd be so relieved,

I'd throw my arms around your neck and apologise.

- Sabina, don't keep changing the subject.

If you think I'm gonna stay here, and connive

at this fantastic arrangement, you're very much mistaken.

And so are you. I'm getting out of here.

- Oh, just a minute.

- Darling, you can't do this to me, you simply can't.

Don't do anything you'll be sorry for afterwards.

And where are you going to?

- All I get here is everything thrown in my face.

- What sort of things? How dare you?

I hate seeing you like this.

No, Rodney listen.

- It's not good, Sabina. It's gotta be this way.

- Well, you see.

- Now, where is my shirt?

- Which shirt?

- Not the one I'm wearing, nor the one at the laundry.

The other one.

- It's airing. I'll go and get it.

- And kindly find some socks while you're about it.

- Why, Rodney. Are you going away?

- Yes.

- You've been hurt, haven't you?

- I thought Bruce was my best friend.

- Oh, poor Rodney, what are you going to do?

- Well, the recognised thing is to go big game hunting.

- But you wouldn't do that.

- I don't know, I might. Or I might go to Shanklin.

- Why Shanklin?

- Why anywhere? I can't stay here.

The house will be full of ghosts.

- You do look tired.

- I am tired.

I walked the streets all night.

I don't remember much about it until towards dawn,

I found myself outside the home in Colonial.

- How dreadful for you.

Rodney, I know what it's like to be hurt.

Sense of loss, wounded vanity, all go in time.

But the disillusionment destroys something inside.

And that goes on forever.

- Of course.

You've been through it too.

- Yes, indeed.

There should be a bond between us, Rodney.

We both know we can never love again.

- But we can be friends, can't we?

- Of course, Rodney dear,

if you promise never to try to make love to me.

- Oh, I promise. Darling Eve, you're very sweet.

- Oh Rodney, don't call me darling.

- Darling.

- That didn't happen, Rodney.

- Didn't it?

Neither did that.

- Oh, Rodney. You promised.

- Oh, Eve darling don't take it like that.

You'll make me feel I've done something dreadful.

- No, no. It's not your fault, it's mine.

I'll have to tell you now.

- Tell me, tell me what?

- I've deceived you. I deceived you all.

I let you think there was a tragedy in my life,

and I made it all up.

- But Why?

- I wanted you all to think I didn't want men.

And the truth is, men have never wanted me.

- Well, now you've got prove to the contrary, haven't you?

- No, it's only because you were miserable about Sabina

and felt you had to kiss something.

- Well, you must believe I found the experience enjoyable.

Or I wouldn't have kissed you again.

- Oh, Rodney. You've put new hope into me.

- You don't seem to have any socks without holes in them.

- I've been telling you that for weeks.

- I'll darn them for you, Rodney.

- You can't. There's no darning wool.

- I'll find some.

- You don't seem to have lost much time, do you?

- You should worry.

- I'm not, I'm only wondering why a little man hater

should take such a sudden interest in your socks.

- Well, maybe. I don't see what it is.

But it may be out of the kindness of her heart.

- No that she seized on there socks,

because she wanted to humiliate me.

She knows I can't darn socks.

- Wait, Sabina. Sabina, wait.

- There you have there someone who can darn your socks,

somebody who really is domesticated.

I mustn't be selfish.

- But, you've got it all wrong.

- No, it's my incompetence that all this comes to be.

I'll never be able to cook and keep house.

I must let you have somebody who can.

- Look, you be a housekeeper and nothing else.

- No. You want a housekeeper, and a wife.

- Sabina.

- You can't expect me to be one of a team.

- Who's talking about a team, or anything else?

Sabina, I-

- You kissed her.

Well, I know I kissed her, but it was nothing personal.

I just had to kiss something.

- You mean, like I kissed Bruce?

- Yes, that's right. Like a ship seeking shelter in a storm.

- But you won't go on seeking shelter, will you?

- Well,

it depends on the storm.

- Oh, darling. Don't let's have any more storms.

- Well! Oh, you snake in the grass!

You wicked, wicked woman.

- What ever's the matter?

- Her and you're husband, they were kissing.

- But, Nanny-

- Don't you Nanny me, please.

And on a Sunday morning too,

with those innocent children upstairs.

And you with a lovely husband of your own,

you shameless shameless woman.

- Don't you call me a woman, you old bag.

- Sabina.

- What did you call me?

- I called you an old bag, you old bag,

a shameless, snooping, sanctimonious old bag.

- Oh, may Heaven forgive you.

- Sabina, stop it.

- I won't stop it.

- And I won't stop in this house to be insulted.

- Well, that'|| teach us.

- Oh, darling I do love you.

- But Nanny, please listen.

- Well, she was a good nurse as nurses go.

And as nurses go, she-

- Oh Bruce, don't.

Well the only constellation is that

now we can relax and be ourselves again.

Should we let bygones be bygones?

- I'm not sure, after the way you behaved.

- The way I've behaved?

- Well, you might at least pretended

to mind about Sabina and me.

- I suppose it never occurred you

I might've been pretending not to mind.

- Oh, darling. I didn't realise.

- No, don't.

- Oh, very well.

- It's nothing, I just don't want to make a fool of myself.

- Oh do, darling, do.

I didn't know you could.

- I told you, you would never understand.

- Well, I can try.

- Oh! Sex maniacs, the lot of you.

You'll send my things after me.

- Why is everyone in this house always slams doors, darling?

- I don't know, darling.

It's just that sort of a house.

The joint! The dog next door's got the joint!

- Drat! Sabina!

- Oh, you mangy dog. Stop.

- Come back, I'm bleeding to death. Sabina, come back.

Don't wonder around the garden like a half whit.

Somebody do something.

Help!

- Well, where is everybody?

- Take that kettle off.

- What on Earth is going through Rodney?

Now you wait a minute. Daddy will soon be back.

Sabina, come back!

- What on Earth?

Sabina, call an ambulance.

- Mary, Mary.

Sabina, where are you?

Rodney, Rodney where are you?

- Sabina, Mary, Sabina!

My fingers broken. Where's the iodine?

- There's water coming through the ceiling.

- Oh, good heavens.

Oh, dear. This is no time for fooling.

World security cannot be achieved

without peace at home.

The Minister of Food said in Birmingham last night,

this country can never repay

the debt it owes to the British housewife.