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She needs to get laid.

No shit.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Shh! Here she comes!

Okay, stop clowning around.

Tina, sit up!

It's the happiest day of your life.

What are you putting on my daughter?

Donna, move over.

Let me look.

Donna, her eyes are too blue.

What are you gonna do without your mother?

Get a life.

You don't like it, Mrs. Vitale?

Not on my daughter.

Eh, ma...

You wear black, I wear blue, alright?

Out of respect for my late husband and your father

I wear black.

Water boy.

Eh.

What, Tone? I'm just doing my hair.

Yeah. Sober up.

Sticky.

Stick this in.

See you at the church, numb nuts, huh?

Hey, Barry.

Easy on the drugs, alright?

You it, Tone.

Hey, I'm serious. Dom, I'm serious.

Especially at the church.

I'm going to get my keys.

Tony.

- Tony. - Tony.

You're too young.

You're too smart to get married.

You're too wasted.

Get ready.

Come here, Tina. I just wanna fix this little smudge...

Oh please, let me do it, Mrs. V.

Hey, you guys. We can't be late.

My mother's renting the monsignor by the hour.

Listen just tone down her eyes.

You know, it's her wedding day, not Mardi Gras.

Talk to Ziggy Stardust over there.

He ain't gonna look better than me on my wedding day.

Sorry, Jim.

Vito's rolling in his grave.

Ma, the gravy's delicious, but...

Come on, Tony.

Come on, you having something to eat?

What'd you forget something?

Yeah, I forgot my keys.

Hey, wait a minute. I found them.

Your balls.

Yeah, pops. See you at the church.

Tony, we're gonna go pick up Maddy, alright?

Don't be late for your funeral.

Tina, the limo's here.

- Ma, I'm coming. - Alright.

Doesn't she look pretty?

Come on, Uncle Louie.

Tina...

I'm so excited, so excited!

I'll see you in the limo.

You look great, T.

Stick, everybody, let's go.

Let's wrap it up.

Little T is getting married.

On our wedding day, your grandpa looked like a prince.

Yeah, yeah. Ma, the kid's like a.

He doesn't understand anyway.

How do I look, T? I look good?

Still got it, kid?

Tina, hurry up.

Ma, just give me a minute, alright?

You know, I can't believe you're not ready.

I mean, it's only the greatest day of your life.

I know, I know. A minute, please.

Come on, hurry up.

Alright.

Hey, Tony.

How you doing, huh?

Crazy party.

Listen.

Popov Bloody Mary, alright? You're gonna take the edge off.

- Alright, Tony. Alright. - Clean up. Look at you!

Alright, let's go.

Hey, Maryann!

Let's go.

Get out of here.

Hey, Dom, let's go already.

Come on, get up, get up!

Dom.

Tony, don't look at me like that.

I'm going, alright?

Alright.

Ha-ha. That's funny, huh?

John! John!

Come on.

Hey, Barry.

Hey, Barry baby.

You're my best man.

Johnny, come on.

Get your ass in here, shitbag.

- Let's go. - That's funny.

Come on, get in.

What the fuck?

Watch my fucking leg. What are you retarded?

- Hey, numb nuts. - What are you doing?

When are you gonna get a girl?

Tonight, baby. Tonight.

Get the fuck out of here.

You can't fuck your hand.

You guys, help me out.

Oh my god, I'm so excited!

Your dress is so big.

- Watch the dress. - Oh, don't drag it.

Oh!

- Aww! - Aww, Tina!

Here, T, take a drink.

Now before we leave, a toast.

To Tina.

To the house I leave behind.

Right on.

Pretty please!

Don't touch the vehicle.

Thank you very much.

Where is my star, Tina?

She's in the back.

Keep the Nunzio's to a minimum.

Tina.

- Tina. - That's what they call me.

I'm Raphael. I'm your director.

Alright, Mr. Director.

Alright, this ain't no friggin' gone with the wind.

It's a wedding.

Oh, I am a filmmaker.

60mm film only, okay? No video.

Okay, Raphael.

I'm going, I'm going.

Oh! Woo!

Alright.

Come on, darling.

Okay, okay.

Come on, baby.

There you go.

Yeah, yeah. Shoot this, buddy.

Who is this asshole anyway?

He's the priest's nephew.

You know, he's some NYU film school geek.

Tells my mother he wants to do a school thesis at my wedding.

Thesis?

Sounds like something a dog does.

Right, right!

Look it, all I'm saying is he's paying for everything.

Listen, he pays for everything, alright.

So why didn't she hire him?

He's cute.

Marina.

You know what? Your mother, she's cheap.

- Hey! - This could be good.

You know, I wish my wedding was filmed.

All I got was some drunken Barry video.

Hey, don't we have to be in there before the groom comes?

Yeah, it's bad luck.

Oh honey, he already came, alright?

I gave him a hummer last night before the bachelor party.

Look all I'm saying is...

I don't want no stray cat pawing a piece of my meat, alright?

Yeah, he's got you trained.

Oh, I wouldn't talk, alright?

Look at this, Barry, Barry all the way.

Yeah, yeah! Well what did you get out of it?

Oh, a low cal protein shake.

Tina, the light is perfect over here.

Oh, Raphael.

Okay, Tina, I just want you to be natural, okay?

No posing.

I have cameras set up all over the church, all over

the reception hall.

Just be yourself.

Just be Tina, okay?

Okay.

Oh, that's perfect. Did you get that?

Oh hey, no ass shots, alright?

Nothing!

You can shoot my ass.

Yeah, it'd be hard not to, honey.

Everybody look over here!

Nice hair, slappy.

Hey, how you doing?

My name's Sal.

I'm the photographer today for you lovely ladies.

I'm gonna take your picture right now so smile.

Woo!

Alright.

Alright.

Sal, I didn't pay you for Polaroid's, got it?

Oh, this is uh...

This is state of the art.

Who wants to wait an hour?

This is right away.

- Look, comes right out. - Yeah, right.

Girls, into the church right now, hurry up.

- Alright, Mrs. V. - Ma!

- Got your dress. - Alright, alright.

- You're looking good. - Ma, the camera's always on.

- Why is she so testy? - Well, you look nice.

This way, guys.

- This way. - Hey, Skippy.

Come here. I gotta get it off brake.

- No, no, you can't go here, man. - I got put it over here, no, no.

Take this and step aside, alright?

Put the kit in behind me, alright?

So what are you, the video guy?

- What? - Figures Josie would film...

the friggin' wedding.

What, so she can watch it every Sunday after church?

What? Oh my god, she needs a hobby.

Ma, you look gorgeous.

Did I tell you I was an ex altar boy, Maddy?

- What? - Yeah, yeah.

Priest made a move on me.

I hit him a power shot to the throat. Never came back.

Oh, that's why I love you cause you don't take shit from nobody.

That's right, baby. Proud to be an ex-Catholic, too.

- Hey, let me ask you something. - What?

You think the Pope ever jerks off.

Hey, hey, there's numb nuts.

Let's go, hurry up. Tony's coming!

Guys, come on, come on.

Are you nervous, T?

What, what?

You can't control him all his life.

You gotta let him go.

- Come on. - Let him go?

I'll let him go the day I die.

That's when I let him go.

Get the fuck out of here.

- You fucking douchebag. - Come here.

Come here.

Listen.

Tell Tomato Head we ain't going in until we hear the

opening theme music or whatever, alright?

I mean, not for nothing, she couldn't hire a valet?

Dad, keep a lid on it.

It's early already.

What am I saying? What, cause of the camera?

I'm not saying nothing I'm embarrassed of.

Hey, take my good side, asshole. Right here.

Come on, let's go over here, ma. Come on.

Maddy, what are you kidding me?

These kids on their own?

Little T needs his old man especially with that family.

No, we all need you.

Hey!

Look at this swing, huh?.

Look at that swing!

- What are you doing? - How you doing?

I got something very nice.

What do you got?

Mr. Hilarious in the fourth.

- Oh! - You in?

- You gotta give me some of that. - You're in.

Give me some.

- Alright, I'll see you inside. - Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Tony. When's your father gonna take the leash off?

Oh, fuck it.

One more day, bro.

One more day.

What do you me mean, Tony?

You gonna leave me alone or what?

We're attached at the hip, bro.

I mean, I'll come by the club every once in a while.

Once in a while?

- Well, that's what I mean... - Hey, Johnny, come on, huh?

Grow up.

What are you 19 next year?

You're getting your GED.

Tony's getting married.

Barry's having a kid.

- Grow up. - You know what?

Fuck you, Dom.

Who?

What, you think you're so smart?

- What are you gonna do, huh? - What am I...

What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do?

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no.

What'd I tell you?

I don't care what you do at the reception, okay?

No fucking drugs at the church, okay?

- I was just... - No fucking drugs.

What'd I tell you?

- What'd I tell you? - Alright, alright, alright.

I don't wanna get busted.

Don't worry about the camera.

It's too far away.

Listen, listen to me.

I'm serious.

I'm serious, guys.

Jesus.

Dom, how am I gonna make it through this thing

without medication?

Remember how you used to tell me you got into that

that zen state when you were wiring houses for cable?

Yeah.

Well, get into it.

How do you think I get into that zen state, asshole?

Oh, oh, you're fucked.

Alright, guys, listen.

The final countdown, alright?

I need your help.

- I love you, guys. - Love you, too.

Get me through this church without freaking.

Get me through the geek reception without freaking.

Throw me in my freaking car with my bride and send me off

- on my honeymoon, alright? - You got it, bro.

- Alright. - No bullshit.

- No bullshit. - No freaking.

No freaking.

- Alright. - Alright.

- You got it. - I did it for you, Barry.

Remember with your wife and her geek family.

The whole rabbi and chair thing?

Listen.

- I'd do it for yous. - You would.

Alright?

There's gonna be so much Vitale Catholic bullshit

in that fucking place, it'll freak any of us out.

Tone, you got it.

Keep the lid on.

Hey, hey.

Let's go, sucker. Come on.

Time to go.

- Hey, what are you doing? - What was that for, huh?

I saw that.

Respect your brother, alright?

No whoring.

Leave that to the old man.

Can't get it on.

Hey, hey, come on with that, huh? Jesus.

Where's the monsignor?

On the golf course.

Father Mark loves the Mets plus 120.

- You want some of that? - Yeah, give me some of that.

Here, take it.

Padre, peace?

What's the score?

Oh my god.

- She looks so beautiful. - I know.

Don't cry because you're gonna make me cry.

Tina.

- Oh, look at Joey. - Oh, Joey, you look gorgeous.

You're so grown up.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Stop this thing.

T, hold me before I faint.

Hey, it's just a panic attack.

Three things.

You're not going crazy.

You won't have to listen to your mother anymore.

And it's me and you from now on, okay baby?

How do I look?

You look cool.

- Come on. - Okay.

Hey, Father.

I don't think she's feeling too well so I was thinking

we could just skip right through the mass, hit the vows.

What do you say?

Is that alright with you, Tina?

Yeah. Yeah, cause otherwise I might barf and...

Okay, I'll have you out of here in no time.

Please be seated.

Oh Heavenly Father!

We are gathered today to celebrate the banquet of

life and witness the feast of love which Valentina

and Anthony are to share in marriage.

Let us begin by remembering that love must

be a part of our lives and we have not loved enough.

Tina! Tina!

- Tina! Tina! - Open it!

Get the door!

This fucking mut!

It's that jungle kid.

Hey, hey, sit down!

Welcome to God's house.

Turn around. Turn around!

Relax and make yourselves at home.

Because this is your church and so in the

presence of your church I ask you Tina and you Tony

to state your intentions.

Okay.

Love grows.

Love grows like flowers in the spring.

Love grows it makes you wanna sing.

Give it kindness, handle with care and before you

know it you're in love.

You're a pair.

Love grows in twinkling stars and holding hands

and in kissing in cars.

Hey Nunz, Mets just scored.

Sunlight. Sunlight.

With the sunlight of friendship.

- Go on. - Keep it going.

Let her go.

Our life, we bloom together as husband and wife.

It's okay, grandma.

What, did somebody die?

Hey, it's the Vitales.

Love merges the lesser with the greater.

Love merges me with the universe.

My quest in life is love.

I and my father are one.

Aww, that's a beautiful sentiment, Little T.

Isn't that nice, kids?

I am loved.

Therefore I am loved.

Yeah!

Repeat after me.

I, Anthony "Little T"

I, Anthony "Little T"

Take you, Valentina Victoria, to be my wife.

Take you, Valentina Victoria, to be my wife.

I promise to be true to you in good times and in

bad, in sickness and in health.

I promise to be true to you in good times and in

bad, in sickness and in health.

Forsaking all others, give only onto you.

Forsaking all others, give only onto you.

I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

Till death do us part.

Till death do us part.

Tina.

I, Valentina Victoria...

I, Valentina Victoria...

Take you, Anthony "Little T," to be my husband.

Take you, Tony...

Anthony "Little T," to be my husband.

I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad,

in sickness and in health.

I promise to be good to you in good times and in

bad, bed, bad...

In sickness and in health.

Forsaking all others, give only onto you.

And forsaking all others, give only onto you.

I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

Till death do us part.

Till death do us part.

May I have the rings.

Barry!

The rings.

- Whoa, who's doobie? - Is that a joint?

Such a stoner.

Take this ring as a sign of my love and my fidelity.

Take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity.

Tina.

Take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity.

If anybody here knows of any reason why these two

should not be joined together in holy matrimony,

let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

I...

Fucker.

I'll take that as a no.

May God, the eternal father, keep you

in love with each other so that peace of Christ may

stay with you and be always in your home.

Amen.

May your children bless you, your friends console

you, and all men live in peace with you.

Amen.

I gave him his Flomax.

By the power invested in me by the state of New

York, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may now kiss your bride.

Tony!

Due to the unusually hot weather and the fact that

our poor church cannot afford air conditioning,

we will skip the mass.

Skip the mass?

Go my children and praise the lord.

What about Monsignor O'Reilly?

- T, get me out of here. - Let's go!

- Party! - Party!

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Vinnie Black.

I am the Cadillac of caterers and I welcome you

to the Coliseum.

My pleasure.

Folks, I am honored that Josie and her late husband, Vito,

have entrusted me with their lovely daughter's wedding party.

I've known Valentina since she was born.

And she has grown into a beautiful, full,

delicious woman.

Don't get me started.

And now folks, let's begin the show by bringing in

the two very special people who have made Tony

and Tina the great kids they are today.

Let's welcome the lovely, Josephina Vitale and

Mr. Anthony "Big T" Nunzio Senior.

Oh look, it's Vinnie Boom Botz and Morticia.

Guys, guys, could you just...

Beautiful, now go ahead.

Come on, hurry up, hurry up.

The beautiful Ms. Marina Galleno and Mr. Johnny Nunzio.

Folks, move together please.

Could you move together? Thank you.

Alright, good.

Go ahead. Go.

Oh look, it's Chico and Harpo Marx.

Where's Groucho? Guys...

There! That's beautiful.

Class, just pure class.

Donna and Dominic.

Our maid of honor...

Oh, Jesus.

That things bigger than your face.

Okay, right here guys.

Move on.

Get a haircut.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the moment

you've all been waiting for...

Let's welcome for the first time as man and wife,

Mr. and Mrs. Anthony "Little T" Nunzio Jr.

Guys, guys.

Beautiful, up and...

Yes, good.

Go ahead.

And here they come to join us...

Tony and Tina, God bless.

And now folks, I'm gonna turn the stage over to

none other than Donnie Dulce.

The rockin' and rollin' Donnie Dulce.

Hey, I'm Donnie Dulce and we are the Dead Poets Society.

Ow!

Thank you.

You guys may remember us a few years ago, we had a

number one hit called Destiny.

Yeah!

Uh, we've been in a studio for a couple years.

We should be coming out with something new pretty soon.

Ain't that right, Zeppo?

That's Zeppo back there, our new manager behind the bar.

Well, enough about us.

Let's clear the dancefloor for Tony and Tina's first

dance as man and lady.

Oh, Tina, you're so gorgeous.

Ma, stop.

So beautiful.

Ma!

Ma!

Alright, and let's have the parents join in.

Alright, entire bridal party join in.

How am I gonna get rid of this hard on?

You gotta dance with my mother.

That did it.

Come here.

You know, it's great to have a broad in the family again.

You know that?

Oh, you know, you're gonna have a beautiful honeymoon.

Of course we never went on a honeymoon.

Vito had a job, two jobs.

Working for max sanitation outfit and moonlighting as a

security man down at the Bowling Blarney.

I mean, cause he wanted to buy his own truck.

I mean, I thought he was crazy going into garbage,

but he knew best.

He always did.

He never let me or the kids down ever.

I know you miss him, Mrs. V.

Good man is hard to find. Very rare.

Seriously, I was watching you guys up there today.

Mhm.

And I couldn't help but thinking about myself, you know?

My early married life was full of so much crap and turmoil.

I know, I heard, I heard.

Trying to get the Animal Kingdom off of the ground.

You know, the place was nothing but a nickel

peepshow when I took it over?

And look at what you've done with the place.

Aw, thank you, Tina.

Yeah, but the thing about it was everything was a big decision.

What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?

- Do I go topless? - Mhm.

Do I serve food?

- I took the high road. - Mhm.

You're not gonna have any of them problems.

No.

It's easy being a kid today, isn't it?

Sure.

Ah, you know, I really like talking to you.

- Me too. - Yeah, you're very special.

Thank you. Okay.

Alright, thank you for the dance.

Thank you. Tony!

Listen, is there something, a special message

that you want to tell Tina and Tony for their wedding?

Yes.

T and Tony, I hope that you guys spend together

forever and ever.

I mean, you guys are like the perfect couple.

And I only hope that someday I find a boy who

is perfect for me like Tony is for you, T.

You guys are gonna be so happy together and you're

both gorgeous and I love you.

Muah.

To getting through the day.

So did you grow up with Tina's family with her mom and her...

Well yeah, I mean, we're all from Queens, you know.

And when she married Vito, that handsome bastard,

they moved out to Long Island.

She got all uptown.

- You know what I mean? - Oh.

- Like we were trash. - Yeah.

Now what happened to Vito?

Oh, Vito.

I mean, you know, he was stringing lights in a

fucking blizzard.

Oh.

And the thing went over, the ladder.

You know?

But she was a slave driver.

She had him doing the lights in a fucking blizzard.

But my theory is this, I feel Vito leapt to his doom

because he was found, they say, with a smile on his face.

Anything to get the fuck away from her.

Alright, let's just put the music back on.

She'll feel better.

Hey, I think she's really hurt, dad.

No, this is the old flash knockdown routine.

I've seen it a million times, okay?

Alright, let's just get her up.

Tina.

Look, all I'm saying is, T, if we make a big deal

about it, she'll milk it, alright? I would.

Listen, ma, look it.

Enough, alright? Come on.

Get up, get off the deck.

Okay, sit down right there.

Alright, everyone. Grandma's okay.

So why don't we all settle down and find our seats.

Let's go back to our seats and how about a hand for grandma.

80 or 90 something and still trucking.

God bless.

We didn't get to finish dancing.

Why are you being so selfish?

Me? She's the one being selfish.

- Tina. - Ugh!

I never seen her like this.

Wait till you get her pregnant.

She's gonna grab a hold of your balls.

She's not gonna let go until you're in the grave.

Oh, that's a nice, healthy way to look at marriage.

What are you on, drugs?

Yeah.

Look, I'm just trying to be an honest best man with

my best friend.

Save it.

You know, me and Tony, it's uh...

It's been forever, you know?

It's more than brothers, you know?

You know, I...

You know...

You know, I love him, you know?

- You do? - Yeah.

I feel like you feel very close to him.

No, I do, I just don't want nothing to change.

You know, after this.

And you know, Tina, she's great, she's the best.

Tina.

You know, it is definitely gonna change.

I mean, he's going to move away and live with Tina.

I'm assuming, right?

I mean, that's gonna be difficult on you.

Yeah, I know. I mean, that's what happens.

You know, you get married things happen, things change, right?

- Yeah. - I know.

Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry!

Uh...

Tony.

Tina.

Uh, we've been friends a long time, you know?

And we're tight.

I, uh...

thought a lot about what to say and I, uh...

wrote some stuff down, but maybe it's better if I

just speak directly from my heart.

I never seen two people who more hot for each

other than you two.

Sorry, sister.

Uh...

You two are meant to be together.

You love each other, you really...

You love each other and uh...

That's what the fucking world needs more of.

That's it.

Oh, he's a regular Einstein.

Barry.

That blew me away.

Well...

She hung in there with me for a few years and uh...

and so she hangs in there with me for a few more.

- Here's to my beautiful bride. - Salud.

- Tina! - Tina!

Oh, I wanna make a toast, too.

I wanna make a toast.

Sorry, honey.

Okay.

Paula Abdul, Forever your Girl, is my favorite video

of all time.

To Taylor Dane, Pat Benatar, this Long Island girl's proud!

Yeah! Oh, and Madonna your sexy videos make my panties wet!

- Cheers! - Cheers!

To the two T's in my life...

Hey, hey, hey, that's enough of that crap!

Save some for later.

Believe me, it don't get no better neither.

Alright.

Tony, you're my son and I love you.

And Tina, you're a Nunzio.

You're my daughter.

I only hope that you can make him happy.

As happy as the love of my life, Maddy, makes me.

I allow her to create, she allows me to procreate.

Know your place, suck some face.

Such a beautiful thing, isn't it?

Hey, everybody, listen!

Save your wedding invitations.

Take them all to Animal Kingdom later, I'll give

you ten percent off any drink.

- Yeah, yeah. - Alright, that was beautiful.

Pops, the human cupid.

Well we wanna make a toast, too.

I would like to toast my beloved husband.

Tina's father, Vito.

Who's beautiful life was cut short a year and a

half ago because he liked Christmas.

He loved Christmas.

And he wanted those friggin' lights up on the

roof before the 15th.

I mean, he should've never been up on the roof that day,

but you know, he was never one to shirk from a job.

Even if no one was there to help him.

Hail, Vito!

Hail, Vito!

Come on, buddy, raise your glass.

Hey!

Oh, shy guy.

It's alright, Dom. It's alright.

- I'll take care of it. - That's it.

- For Vito. - Calm down, it's alright.

What are you doing, Michael?

I told you you had to be good.

- Vito. - You have to be good.

Now behave yourself or I'm gonna throw you out.

- I'm sorry, Mrs. V... - This is Tina's wedding.

Behave yourself.

Please, Father Mark.

A blessing and a prayer.

Hey, hey!

Pope spelt my name wrong.

Well that's what you get when you get a Polish pope.

You know, on that note, let us pray.

Oh heavenly Father!

We ask that you bestow your many blessings upon

Valentina and Anthony.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Amen. Amen.

Thank you, Father Mark.

Holy water from our holy fountain blessed by the

Pope himself on his last visit in 1979.

Father Mark, ladies and gentlemen.

Just that you have a beautiful place here.

Thank you very much.

It was inspired by the movie Spartacus.

You know, I saw that movie when I was a teenager.

I was very impressed by it.

My parents ran an Italian restaurant and you know,

I used to eat there.

And uh, I was always involved in food and

eating and cracking jokes.

You know, in high school I was...

I remember Tony Pitzicarda once said to me...

What are you comedian?

And I was as a matter of fact.

You know, they didn't slap me around because I kept

them laughing all the time, see so that's uh...

We merged the food, the comedy, and my natural

inclination to entertain, you know.

Came up with the Coliseum.

Oh!

I invented it basically.

You invite Michael...

Hi, girl!

Well...

Did you know that olives make you horny?

Yeah.

- Eat it. - Hey, come on.

What are you doing?

Hey!

Catch the friggin' olive.

Hey, watch the suit before I make you clean it.

- Hey! Hey! - Oh!

That was nasty.

- Men are so gross. - Yeah, gross.

Oh, you've had a hard on for Barry ever since

you got pregnant.

No, she's right, T.

She gotta watch him all the time.

Look at Johnny hitting on that queer bouton.

Yeah, but Dom wouldn't do that you.

He loves you.

No, cause he knows I'd kill him.

But I know he does it behind my back.

They all do it.

Always checking their options.

Listen, girls, we're here to carry the bloodlines.

Sex all the time, they're trying to blow you up.

Then you got the baby, it's the Elvis thing.

The what?

Elvis.

I read, once his wife had a baby, he stopped having

sex with her.

Some kinda weird mommy thing.

Barry?

No.

Looks it's like I told Marina...

I said, honey, get yourself a good vibrator,

a good dog, and a good cleaning service.

That is all a woman needs.

- Amen. - Right.

On my wedding day, you're telling me this?

Y'all need to get your heads checked.

No, you get your head checked.

Why do you think I'm putting off Dom?

Hello, he wants to blow me up.

I ain't in no hurry to marry him.

Alright, well thank you. Thank you.

I'm gonna go commit some suicide.

Oh, T.

Mm!

Hey, can I get a plate full of ziti?

Hey, Tone.

Tina okay?

No, she's been acting weird.

And this is just today, right?

It's out of the blue.

Yeah, it's freaking me a little bit.

You ever hear the phrase, the apple don't fall far

from the tree?

What?

Oh no, gross me out.

Listen, Tone.

I mean, I'm sorry to say, but why do you think I've

been holding off on Donna?

You know, she's been bitching to me about getting married.

Yeah?

Listen, last Christmas I was at her place and I saw

the way her mother just fucking beat on her dad.

Got me to thinking.

No, no, no.

Tina hates her mother.

Not my Tina.

Well I fucking hope so, Tone.

I do for your sake.

No, not my Tina.

Ma!

- Ma, ma! - What is going on here? What?

Ma, there's no prosciutto in my ziti.

Ma, ma!

There was in mine.

It's not from the second tray.

Oh my god, you're right. It's empty.

I know, it's nasty.

He's not getting away with this.

Just get over here.

- Oh ma, don't make a scene. - Eh, Joey!

I mean, this is really where you gotta see a resemblance.

I don't know.

You know, when they're not together every day

it'll wear off.

It's bound to.

Josephina and our bride.

What the hell do you call this?

- Ziti. - Right.

We paid for prosciutto stuffed ziti and there's

no prosciutto!

Well there should be.

You know, the help these days.

You're taking advantage of me because I'm a widow.

You know if daddy were here he'd punch you!

I'll refund you $100.

And then you'd wake up and he'd punch you again.

$29.99 for boiled pasta?

Okay, a hundred and a quarter.

$150.

You got it.

I just want yous to be happy.

Fine.

Alright.

Alright.

You gonna do some more jokes for us later?

Of course.

Vinnie was always the funniest guy in school.

My pleasure.

Yeah.

You know what? Check that.

Make that stinger a lemon ball and put a vodka seven in a

- soda glass for me, alright? - You got it.

Hey, you got the game on back there?

- How's this glass? It's good? - It's good.

Can't put the game on.

Vinnie don't want it on during the wedding.

Sorry.

Hey, Mikey.

Hey, Barry.

How's the video business?

It sucks.

Hey, listen.

You fuck with Tony, I break your face.

Cool.

Here you go, chief.

Hey, Father.

Hey, you gonna have a strong one?

Oh, no, no. On duty till the end of time, you know?

Hey, Bar.

Would you uh...

You feel okay about ordering me one?

Hey, Zeppo.

- Yeah. - Get this dope a scotch.

One dope scotch, coming up.

Can I have a beer please?

- God bless, Father. - Here you are, chief.

Uh, excuse me, another scotch please for him.

Beer for you, sweetheart?

Golden voice, golden voice.

Thank you.

Here you go, hon.

Hey, can I get a beer?

Thank you.

I work at the Animal Kingdom.

I don't know, maybe you've heard of it.

You know, some of the girls at the uh...

Doing exhibitions at the Kingdom make upwards of

forty, fifty dollars a night, you know?

I mean, it's no Uncle Sam.

Wow. You're kidding me?

No, it's true.

But uh, I mean...

You know, it's um...

It depends on the act, you know?

You know, it's...

If you wanna come in one night, maybe one

afternoon, you know?

Maybe I can help you put something sexy together,

you know?

Listen, asshole.

I'm a singer in a hot band that had a top ten hit a

few years ago.

Why the fuck what I wanna dance butt naked in your shithole?

Jerk.

Nice said, Celeste.

See ya, asshole.

Come on, keep trying.

Hey listen, Donny. Uh...

How about playing some Madonna or the Boss, you know? I mean...

Well, we don't play Madonna or the Boss.

We don't do no covers, we just do our original material.

Yeah, I understand that, but Tina and I talked about...

No, no, I'm sorry, man.

Hey, Zeppo.

Zeppo, is this the big gig you were telling us about, huh?

For two weeks?

They don't even know who we are, Zeppo.

Hey, man, they love you.

- They love us? - Yes, absolutely!

Maybe we're not in the same club here, Zeppo.

They hate us.

Look man, when we gonna get back in the studio?

Studio? Studio's maybe a month, a week, maybe six months away.

It's right around the corner.

Alright, what is the dealbreaker?

- Huh? - Truth?

- Yeah. - Rap.

Hey, Zeppo, honey.

Can you do more than a little bit?

I'll be right with you, sweetheart.

- Thank you. - I love your hair.

Oh, thank you!

- Rap? - Rap.

They're looking for a little rap.

It's kind of a new wave deal.

You know.

We don't change our sound for nobody, alright?

Fuck rap.

Sorry, Father, but fuck rap.

We are power ballads.

Absolutely.

Stay with it.

Power ballads forever.

One hit wonders.

I still love these guys though.

What do you need, boss?

I didn't even know any of those songs.

You got it.

I want a girl like you, man.

You're a happy guy.

I'm saying hi to Tone here.

That's perfect.

Why don't you give a little message to Tony and

Tina to my camera?

That would be very nice for them, no?

I don't know. Um...

Uh, well I just, I hope, you know...

I hope that you're gonna be happy, Tony.

Um...

I mean, you know what you're doing so I don't

need to be talking about that, I just...

You are very sweet.

- That's very nice. - Um, yeah.

Hey, you guys.

Let's go get high.

Let's go. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Johnny.

Hey, Johnny. Do you wanna eat with me?

Hey, come here.

Buzz off, alright?

I'm getting laid tonight.

I'm getting laid tonight.

You two should get together.

Barry, get me a drink first.

Baby.

When we getting out of here?

Not until I get really drunk, really sweaty, and

really horny.

You two should go visit each and every table and I

mean right now.

Here's your booster bag.

Ma, we will visit when we want.

I said now.

Ma, I am married now, alright?

I will visit when I want.

Barry, Dom.

- Barry, Barry, Barry - Give me a light.

Have you seen that cute blonde out there I was

talking to before?

Yeah, yeah.

The one you've been drooling over since church?

I've seen her.

Well, come on, it's not obvious, is it?

Johhny, she's like...

She's sitting at the kiddie table.

- What is she 13, 14 years old? - Fucking fag.

No.

No! Man, it's just...

Those tits, are you kidding? No, no way.

Whatever, Johnny, you're the expert.

Dom, come on, you've seen that ass.

Oh, right now!

Smoking weed!

Tony is beautiful.

The baby's gonna be beautiful.

And I gonna wish them they have a lot of baby and

that I gonna be a grandma and they gonna talk Italian.

Nobody talks Italian, no?

They wanna be American.

Eh, what are you gonna do?

They go to school in America, they come over

here and they talk Spanish.

I don't understand.

Nobody talk Italian.

Tony no talk Italian, Anthony no talk Italian,

Tina no talk Italian.

Pour some shots, come on.

Pour one for her, too.

I don't want one right now.

Just take one.

Here's the thing...

Like Frank, I'm getting into the autumn of my years.

Dad, keep a lid on it.

No, no, no, I am really.

And I've been breaking my ass all my life to build a

respectable strip joint from what was nothing but a...

But a nickel fucking peep show.

That's right.

And building you boys a damn good home while I was at it.

But the thing is, I think I've done enough.

I wanna phase myself out of the club.

So if you want it, you can have it.

You gonna take that drink now, baby?

Wait a minute.

You're trying to be nice and give this as a wedding

gift of the most important thing in your life.

T, he wants me to run a fucking strip club.

- Live stock and pasties. - Dad.

That's the most generous thing you've ever done in your life.

I mean, let Tina and I sleep on it.

Oh, I'll fucking sleep on it.

Fuck you.

There's a few little strings attached, okay?

You're gonna take care of your idiot brother,

Johnny, for life.

Put a roof over your grandma's head, and of

course, there's my golden parachute, but these are

minor gotsies we can work out later, alright?

The important thing now is to let loose, have fun,

it's your wedding because believe me, it's all

downhill from here, huh? Huh? Come here.

- Uh, excuse me. - Hey, hey, hey.

Come here, Tina. Come on.

Sit on daddy's lap.

Come here.

You know what, I don't think it's a very good

idea right now.

Why, what's the matter?

You got a little gas?

Hey, where you going?

Come on!

Keep your fucking father away from me

for the rest of the night.

Hey, he's my dad.

Yeah, unfortunately.

Listen, he's trying to do the right thing.

That club's his life.

His, T.

His, not mine or yours.

Do you not remember how you told me you hated it?

I know, I know.

Listen, nothing's changed.

I can't wait for us to get out of here.

You know, just by ourselves.

Hey.

What's with the long faces?

This is supposed to be the happiest day of your lives.

What was that?

All I'm saying is nothing's ever gonna be the same again.

That's good because things as they are kinda suck.

So fucking stupid, Barry. Ugh.

Marina.

What are you guys doing?

Fighting already.

He's the cause of all this shit.

I know it.

I'm gonna kill him.

Hey, just chill. Chill, bro, chill.

You don't wanna spend your honeymoon in sing sing.

Yeah, you'd be popping the wrong cherries.

Check out the fucking slut.

She's a fucking burden.

Now listen, do you have a boyfriend, a special boy?

I do, his name's Dominic.

He's very hot, but he's really kinky and sometimes

it's like a little too much for me.

And I really like Donnie, the band singer.

- Oh, he's cute, right? - He's gorgeous.

Now do you think you're going to get married to Dom?

I don't know.

Maybe someday I will, but he wants to get me

pregnant and I don't wanna get the stretch marks over here.

Yeah.

Cause I already have some on my ass and I don't

really like it too much.

- Yeah. - So I might, I might.

Or maybe I'll adopt, like a kid from, you know...

- Russia or something. - Amazing.

I hear they have a lot of kids over there.

Really?

That's what I heard, that's what I was told.

It might not be true though.

His idea of a good wedding gift is the Animal Kingdom.

Your mother would freak if you were running the strip joint, T.

She'd fucking flip her lid.

She wouldn't be able to handle it.

- Hey, Tina, bathroom? - It's over there.

It makes me wonder about, T, you know?

Instead of backing me up, his wife, he's kissing up

to the old man.

Where's Tina?

And where's Uncle Louie?

He went, you know...

By himself?

I think I'm drunk.

Say a prayer.

Find him.

Shit.

Alright, that's enough, Donna.

Listen to me, you one hit pussy.

Stop!

Ow!

Fuck.

Fuck!

Sit down.

- Sit down, Donna. - Fuck you.

Sit down.

Get the fuck out of here! Go!

Get the fuck back!

Listen to me, Donna.

Everybody who fucking sees you running around

that fucking faggot

- Do you know what that makes me? - What?

It fucking makes me an asshole, Donna.

You know what, Dom?

You are a fucking asshole.

What the fuck you... Donna!

Just fucking please stop.

Please fucking stop dancing with him, okay?

You're making me look fucking ridiculous.

What?

What? What's so fucking funny?

Come here, baby. Come here.

I love you, baby.

Hey, go. Fucking go.

Uncle Louie!

Oh my god, he's peeing in the holy water!

Uncle Louie!

No more diaper for me.

I'm a man.

Oh my god.

Wait till I tell everyone!

Joey, what's wrong?

It's Uncle Louie.

He peed the fountain.

Don't say a word or Vinnie won't return our deposit.

How's everybody doing?

Here's a blast from our past.

Our first number one hit in Japan, I Believe In You.

I'm cutting in.

I'm cutting in.

Okay, Michael, you're drooling on me.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I can't stop thinking of you like that, Tina.

In that way.

But we were only together once.

I live with so much regret.

Tina, I desire you all the time.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Hey, Tony.

Yeah, I know.

She's dancing with that freak.

She's just trying to make you jealous.

Yeah, like that'll work.

Okay, alright.

- Alright, okay. - Sorry, sorry.

- Okay, two shots please. - Uh oh.

Come on, come on. Zip Dick, let's go.

- Hey... - Come on, Zip.

Don't be hanging around with that dick anymore.

Don't talk to me like that, alright?

You're not my fucking mother.

There you go, sweetheart.

Thank you.

They're wonderful kids, but this language...

It worries me.

I mean, I never been married, but I have great

respect for women.

And I do not like...

Will they hear this?

I do not like to hear women swear.

It bothers me terrible because you know a woman

is a wonderful thing.

And a man is a good thing, too.

A man, I suppose, they swear...

I mean, they would on the baseball field, they spit,

they swear.

I don't know.

That's alright, but uh...

Women are beautiful.

They are madonnas.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh my god!

- Joey, not on my dress! - Not on my dress!

No, stop it.

- Louie peed in the fountain. - Peed in the fountain.

Uncle Louie peed in the fountain!

Uncle Louie peed in the holy water.

A toast to the Nunzios!

Alright, I'll get you another one.

You want another one?

I'd like to propose a toast to the Vitales!

Alright? Get me another drink.

- To the Vitales! - To the Vitales!

Oh, Connie! Connie, Connie, Connie!

You should do the next toast cause you're the

maid of honor.

Yeah, Connie, come on. You're my maid of honor.

Cut me a break, I'm tired.

Connie, you're my maid of honor.

I'm pregnant, Tina.

Well not too fucking pregnant to be drinking.

Listen, little girl.

My mother drank, I drank.

Your mother yaps, you yap.

Like mother, like daughter.

You're fired.

Donna, you're my new maid of honor.

Why can't I be the new maid of honor?

You're it next wedding, I promise.

Come on, get your glasses up.

Come on. Shut the fuck up. She's giving a toast.

Okay, get your glasses up.

Shut up!

Shh! Donna's making a toast.

To Tina.

You're a righteous girl and I've been you're oldest friend.

I love you.

I swear to god I would eat your vomit.

- Aww! - Aww!

Check please!

That's a beautiful sentiment.

That's a great fucking toast.

You're having a baby.

Two weeks.

Two weeks. I know, I know she's gonna be a girl.

I just, I know it.

And I her name's gonna be Angela.

Oh, I love that name.

I have a pig named Angela.

You do?

But she's blind, and she has one leg, but that's okay.

My baby's not gonna have one leg.

My baby's gonna fine.

My baby's gonna be healthy, and you know what?

There is nothing, nothing proven about if you smoke

or if you drink it's gonna do something to your kid.

Alright, it's not gonna happen.

I didn't say that.

So he's as drunk as a skunk.

How old was he, Nunzi?

So anyway, I open up the bar to these three

little pricks, right?

Johhny, Dom, and Barry.

They're all fucked up, hammered, demolished.

But I finally get them to go the fuck home, and

there's Tony sitting there all alone.

- Remember this? - Yeah.

So I go up to him and I go.

Yoo-hoo!

You want something who will have some fun with you, right?

And standing there right before him, are three whores I got

not wearing a fucking stitch.

His face hits the floor.

Right? So I figured I'd leave him alone.

What would you do?

Alright, you're 13, open bar,

- three whores at your command. - Bang.

I go away, I come back, this little prick he's

passed out on the bull machine and his skivvies

and the girls are playing Caribbean poker or some shit.

Oh no!

He never got it up, they say.

So I say, oh yeah?

Well you god damn bet his daddy will!

Fucking with my joke?

I guess it just came out.

Ah, Nunz, the kid don't mean nothing by it. It's...

You embarrass me in front of the shwim?

I'm just a little tired of that story.

You respect your father.

So anyway.

I take him upstairs and they earned their fucking money.

Oh, there you go. Talk about earnest!

Whoa, fuck that!

What the fuck you doing?

What's fucking wrong with you?

Michael, Michael.

Hey, you like to smoke weed, right?

Alright, look.

This is for you, okay?

But it's really weak so I want you smoke the thing, okay?

Oh, Barry, man.

You're the coolest.

You're so much smarter than these other guys, man.

You know, I was always baffled how you keep a

straight job, and you know, push pot at the same time.

Just keep her at home so she never cheats on you.

She never cheated on me.

Not yet.

Hey.

A lifetime of teaching whores how to dance

doesn't make you an expert on women.

Not Tina anyway.

Let me tell you something, kid, alright?

Every bad quality a woman has gets bigger

when they get married.

Listen to your old man.

Absolutely.

Barry.

Hey, Nunz, where you going?

I thought you were getting rid of him.

If this guy's as stupid as I think he is, he's gonna

be comatose in about ten minutes and then we'll

just pick him up and we'll lock him in his van.

Listen, this place is scaring me, okay?

We gotta wrap this thing up before all hell breaks loose.

I mean it.

Hey, you guys remember that time at the Animal

Kingdom when that guy lit himself on fire.

Hey, hey, cut the shit. Cut the shit.

I'm serious.

That's what I'm talking about.

- So... - Barry!

- Holy moley. - Jesus.

She's a nightmare since she got pregnant.

I'm gonna give you one piece of wedding advice, Tony.

Wear a rubber.

Now how do you feel about being a father?

- Oh shit. - You're going to have a baby.

Tell me about it.

Whatever, it's cool.

You know, things gotta change.

Look, Connie's a great girl.

She's a great girl and uh, you know?

We're gonna have a kid and uh...

That's cool.

Do you have any names picked out for them if

it's a boy or a girl?

I was thinking maybe like Jimmy.

That's a nice name. That's my...

I have a cousin named Jimmy.

- Yeah? - Yes, we call him Jaime.

He's a midget.

He's very short.

What the fuck you talking about?

No, I'm just saying.

I have somebody in my family that was named Jimmy.

That's a very nice name.

Now what if it's a girl?

I came up with Jimmy.

That's all I came up with.

Father Mark, no one likes me.

It's true.

I mean, even Tina and Donna only kept me around

cause I had a credit card or I had a car.

They both owe me so much money.

You know what though?

Without them, I'd have nothing.

No one.

Will you dance with me?

Please, it's the Tarantella.

Come on!

Please.

Come on. I'll teach it to you.

It's fun.

Come on, please.

Come on!

Ma, ma!

Sal! Sal, get in here and take pictures of my daughter.

Right now.

Nunzio. Nunzio.

Get your kid in here to dance.

Anthony, get in here.

Come on.

Are you happy now?

Let's dance.

What happened to you?

What the fuck happened to me?

Why are you here all of a sudden?

What, too busy at the fucking bar?

Thank you, Donnie Dulce for that wonderful Tarantella.

And now folks, let's all take our seats because the

magnificent wedding cake is just around the corner.

My gladiators and slave girls are happy to get you

anything you need.

Fellatio, grab bags, myopia.

They're all here to serve you.

Tina, you alright?

Listen, what did the Nunzio's get you as a wedding gift?

The Animal Kingdom.

What?

- Oh my god! - Hit him!

Fucking freak!

He's chimping, man.

He's fucked. I'm gonna get him to his van.

Tina!

Let's not fight.

Italians are lovers not fighters.

Hey, do you know why the Italians lost the war?

They used spaghetti instead of shells.

Hey, where are my Jewish friends tonight?

You heard the one about the Jewish kid who comes

home, he says, "Ma, I just got part of the husband in

the school play."

She says, "you go back and tell them you want a

speaking role!"

Speaking of Jews, you know why they can't keep Jews in jail?

They eat lox.

Shut the fuck up.

Thank you. God bless.

I have a wonderful memory of Tina.

I was saying a rosary once and I was using a

particular rosary that's very rough.

And my fingers were getting slightly bloody

and Tina, she was about three at the time, came up

and kissed every single one of my fingers so that

it wouldn't bleed anymore.

Isn't that beautiful?

You guys had sex, didn't you?

T, knock it off, alright?

Why are you always defending him?

What kind of hold does that freak have on you?

What kind of hold does your daddy have on you?

Where did that come from?

Tina, I wanna see you now.

Alone.

Ma, I'm talking to Tony.

I'm all set.

Tina.

I'm gonna teach you how to handle your man.

Ma, chill out, alright?

Do you think I really wanna run a nudie bar?

I was just wanna go to the bathroom.

Not yet.

What?

What do you mean, what?

I wanna know what, what, what you feel about this

whole club business?

Why'd you tell her for?

Oh, you were gonna keep it a secret?

No, I just thought that since we were married maybe...

Oh heaven forbid, we should delve into your

life coven here with my daughter!

Well T, I told her because she's my mother.

Is this what I got to look forward to?

What, cause now I'm a Nunzio I can't talk to my mother?

I just wanna go to the bathroom.

Look Tony, I know you understand.

You really understand how we accept and work, you know?

Accept these things of your father's business,

but you know?

I-I-I gotta tell you, had I known...

and I know I speak for Uncle Louie, too.

Had I known that this was gonna turn out like this,

I never would've given my blessing to this marriage.

Having you drag my Tina, my Tina down...

Ma, shut up!

Oh my god!

I swallowed my gum.

Filth! Swimming in filth!

Aunt Josie!

And Aunt Clare, Sister Clare!

I just came in to do my afternoon prayers.

Sin, sin, sin, sin, sin.

- Father Mark! - Hey.

What the fuck's going on?

Thank you both so fucking much for ruining my wedding day.

Maddy, you fucking deserve him.

I'm sorry, Tina.

What the!

In front of the penguin, dad?

Oh yeah, thanks a lot!

Another wasted friggin' erection.

What is the situation with you and Tony's father?

What is going on there?

You had to bring that up?

Sorry.

He's a difficult man, you know?

Long time ago we had a...

Ooh, you had relations with him.

- No, no, god, no! - No?

Did you ever kiss him?

- No, well... - No?

No, I never kissed him. I...

Are you sure, Mrs. Vitale?

- You seem a little... - I'm sure.

No, no, no. I never kissed him.

I mean, you know, it was a flirting thing in high school.

I liked him, he liked me, but then Vito came.

Vito, my Vito.

Vito, I miss you so much.

You should be here on our daughter's wedding day,

but it's alright.

Do you think he would be proud of her today?

He would be so proud. My Tina's so gorgeous.

Tina, I love you.

You are so beautiful, my one and only daughter.

Father Mark!

I need to confess.

Josie Vitale.

Come on, Josie.

Santa Lucia.

Ladies and gentlemen, Josephina Vitale has the

- voice of an angel. - Ma, ma!

She's the soloist in her church choir.

Let's have a warm round of applause...

Oh, no, ma. Ma, no, no.

I really don't want it.

Tina, smile.

Smile, this is the happiest day of your life.

Come on.

Ma, ma, ma!

Come on!

Have you seen those Menudo boys?

I mean, my god, you know?

Joey.

Tony...

The Vitales dedicate this to you.

Welcome to the family, God bless.

And now ladies and gentlemen, the Dolcetones

of Josephina Vitale.

Aww.

Thank you, Vinnie.

Thank you so much.

My pleasure.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Oh God.

Uh...

You know, I wanna dedicate this song to my beautiful

daughter, Tina.

You know, my mother sang it to me at my wedding,

her mother sang it to her at her wedding, her mother

sang it to...

Well, you get the idea.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What'd you think of Tina's reception?

Beautiful.

It's all I have to say.

Gorgeous.

I know myself knowing I'm an image person and I work

with a lot of design.

Shape, color, tone, volume.

I'm being...

I'm studying to be a one-hour photo lab technician.

So I understand magazines, glossy periodicals and I

can see from the design of this that what she's made

here is something to be remembered.

And I know I will.

And I hope she does.

Sal, where are you? Come on.

Get up here and take pictures.

I'm paying you to take pictures.

Now the rest of yous, you give a dollar, ten

dollars, twenty dollars, in exchange for a dance

with the bride and groom, alright?

Okay, line up, line up.

- Ma. - Oh, look!

Uncle Louie gave $20 and grandma Nunzio a dollar.

You're acting like an idiot.

So what else is new?

You're my wife now.

Doesn't mean you fucking own me.

What happened to you?

Oh, fuck off.

Tina.

- Tina! - Daddy, I'm so sorry.

Where are you when I need you?

If I can get normal, if I can just get normal,

everything would be okay.

I've ruined my wedding day by the way I can see with

all of our families.

He knew it was gonna be a disaster.

He wanted to elope.

But everything always has to be my way.

Daddy, I'm so sorry.

I promise I'll never drink.

I promise I'll never do drugs please.

Tina, come on.

T, I'm so sorry.

Hey, Tina, cut the bull.

Let's make up.

Make up!

I don't wanna make up.

I have the rest of my life to make up.

Everything's over, T.

Our marriage, our wedding, everything.

Joey, I have to go to the lady's room.

Just keep an eye on things.

Got it.

Hey, hey, ho! Enough of that crap!

Zeppo, cut the PA and the mic.

You got it.

Give me the mic.

Let's have fun.

Here you go.

Alright.

Are we ready for some real music, eh?

Fucking A!

Tina, the Nunzio's dedicate this to you.

Introducing the girl of my dreams and the karaoke

queen from Queens, let's give it up for the

beautiful Maddy!

That's it!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Best in the business.

Here, give her some.

Alright, throw it up.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah! Come on.

Oh my god.

Yeah!

Yeah, that's it, baby!

- Woo! - Woo!

Yeah!

You like gladiator movies?

He's turning my daughter's wedding into a stag party.

Ronaldo, get the hell out of here.

He's turning the Roman Coliseum into the Animal Kingdom!

Do something!

In Sicily, we call that foreplay.

Hey, dad.

- You gotta help me with Tina. - Hey, hey, you made your bed.

- Lie in it, come on. - Dad, I'm serious.

After what you did to me turning your back on me like you did?

- Anthony. - Get out of here.

Ant, get her down. Get her down.

- Alright, Maddy. - Hey, hey, hey!

What are you doing?

Hey, I don't want this at my wedding!

Oh, what are you embarrassed of your family now?

What are you, a Vitale?

- Get down from there! - Hey, hey, hey!

Back off, boss, or I'll call the cops.

Call the cops on me, you goddamn hoodlum.

Oh, so you finally pussified my son, huh?

You can't talk to me like that.

- Oh really? - You live in the gutter.

You're dragging my daughter down with you.

Let's get something straight, baby, alright?

You puke, you fought, and you fuck just like the

rest of us and you grew up doing it three lousy

blocks from my gutter in Queens!

- Don't speak to me like that! - Oh yeah?

Next time why don't you bring a big "Don't speak

to me" sign and I'll pipe it up your ass!

You goddamn son of a bitch!

If Vito were here, he would rip that crap out of your heart!

Tina!

I dedicate this concert to you, babe.

- Oh my god. - Oh my god!

Barry!

- Rock and roll! - You gotta be shittin' me!

Tina!

What the fuck is happening?

I got him, I got him!

Left to right in the outfield.

Get away from the cake!

Get the fuck down from there!

Dom, shut up, shut up.

Oh my god, that yellow's so unfortunate.

You gotta relax.

Don't do this. I know it's been a long day.

I know how you feel about Tina.

I feel the same way, but you gotta relax, okay?

- What's he gonna do? - Alright?

Take my hand, come on, come on.

It's alright.

Tina forever!

That cake tastes like shit now!

Clean him up.

- My wedding is ruined! - Barry?

Barry.

For the last time, get him in his fucking van and

bring back the keys.

I wanna see the fucking keys, okay?

Barry, get him the fuck out of here!

Right now!

He's got Tony and Tina on his ass.

No friggin' way I'm touching that cake.

- Ew, gross! - Check, please!

Dominic, go easy!

Let's wrap this turkey up.

Do the short version.

You got it, Vinnie.

Grab Max, get the cake, bring it out.

Let's go, come on!

Fuck off, Tony! You fucking dick!

We gotta take control of this situation.

- Alright. - Alright, after you.

You're not Mrs. Nunzio.

Ugh, not kidding.

Mega fucking prick.

Tina, come on.

Mrs. Nunzio.

You know, here have another one, Father.

- Come on. - Nah.

No, no, no, have some!

It's good. There you go.

- That's enough. Drink up. - It's good for you.

So basically what we're talking about here is an

annulment, alright?

It ain't a divorce because they haven't had

intercoursal entry yet as man and wife.

Anyway, look, Jo.

Mrs. Vitale, I'm sorry.

I understand.

We have to speak frankly.

- Am I right? - I know.

Look Father, you know as parents, we're obligated

to expect the worst.

That's right. It doesn't get any worse than this, believe me.

No, it don't get no worse than this, man!

You people have lost your goddamn minds!

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

This whole wedding is going to hell and I ain't

never been around crazier white people.

Hey, chill out, bro!

Sit down, relax!

You're so tense, my god.

Here, drink this and you'll feel better.

- I don't want to drink. - Listen, Jo.

Just a sip, just a sip.

Listen, I understand how this works.

Okay, listen.

Who can you reach out to?

Let's go, come on.

- Who can you call? - No, no.

Desmond Tutu?

The Pope?

There must be somebody.

Who's above you?

Who's the guy behind the guy behind the guy?

- Come on. - I don't want your money.

Look at this. You can get something nice.

A change of clothes. Something.

Give it to the church, you know?

Get a new swimming pool.

A nice sauna maybe.

Or you know...

Something for the guys to enjoy together.

Come on, take that.

- The monsignor... - Expedited.

Probably could find use for the money.

All those little orphan kids, somebody.

Somebody'll take it.

I'll talk to the monsignor and see what can be worked out.

- There must be something. - Bless us all.

Here, take the rest. There you go.

Alright, here we come.

We're coming in.

One.

Two.

Three.

Come on, T.

I ain't looking at him.

I ain't looking at him.

I don't fucking care.

Put me down!

- The fuck are you doing! - Knock it off.

You're a Nunzio now!

Come on.

Throw the flowers. We're getting out of here.

You throw the fucking flowers.

Throw the goddamn flowers.

I-I-I am a Catholic and I just can't make heads or tails

of good and evil.

You know, good and evil it's a con...

We're all in constant conflict.

And we're not in conflict if you'd just let it happen.

I meant look, what I'm trying to say is...

You know you have a devil and angel on your shoulder.

They constantly are arguing, not bickering.

Let me control this.

Whoa.

What I'm trying to say, Rafi.

I can call you Rafi instead of Raphael.

You gotta go with the flow sometimes.

This is no more than a drink.

You know? Um...

I'm not ashamed.

You should be ashamed of it, but let it go.

Are you okay, Father Mark?

I'm, I'm fine. Um...

Sometimes it overtakes me and I don't know where I go.

You know where you're going.

That's why you should still be that way, but you

decide that you wanna drink, but you don't need

- a drink, but take it any... - Oh!

What I'm trying to say is, um...

that there's a good and evil in all of us.

Let the evil take over.

You're a little tramp.

Well you should've thought of that before you married me.

You know, if I thought about it, maybe I wouldn't have

married you.

You know what, T?

It's not that fucking late.

You don't need this and I don't need this.

Yeah, yeah. He's got the...

Yeah! Yeah! Donna!

- Dominic! - Donna!

- Get over here you! - Oh Dominic, I love you!

Who's your man, hon?

You are, baby, I love you so much.

Okay.

Okay.

You saying you're leaving me now?

Better now than after we have kids.

Well that'll be a long time because first you

gotta grow up.

Oh, it'll be even longer than that because I ain't

having kids in a fucking porno shop.

Oh, it'll be perfect because mommy's such a tramp!

Fuck you, T.

Oh! To Tony and Tina.

Yes, actually, I would like to say that I give it

five months tops and then I think they going to get

divorced because I do not think that marriage is

natural and I think that they should just have a

lot of sex and maybe babies if they want, but I

don't think that they are going to stay married.

Oops, I'm sorry I said that.

Is that bad, but that's the truth.

That's how I feel.

Sometimes these things are a blessing in disguise.

Ma, was supposed to be the best day of my life.

I know.

- T. - T.

Look, you want us to spend the night with you?

I don't... maybe.

We could all come over like we used to.

No, no, no. Listen, listen, listen.

You're gonna come home tonight.

You're gonna get a good night sleep.

And in the morning, I'm gonna lay out all your

options for you.

Okay, Tina?

Come on, look at me.

Tina!

I got it all under control.

What?

I got it all under control.

You do?

Of course I do.

Oh, you're so bad.

Joey.

Start the conga line dance.

I can handle this.

- What's your problem? - It's alright, baby.

- Conga line, conga line. - What's the story, what?

Listen, just for the record, I want you to know

that you turned my daughter's wedding into a freakshow.

- Hey. - Just like your...

Your Animal Kingdom over there.

Hey, don't break my chops.

What do you think I'm a mameluke like Vito?

Yeah, he'd still be alive if you didn't have him

stringing Christmas lights in a blizzard.

Oh, what are you talking about?

When he leapt to his death, he had a big smile on his face.

Oh, you liar.

And you know something, baby.

I'll tell you what.

You can kiss my big ass. How's that?

Get in the line.

It's a Vitale tradition.

Oh my god, you must be drunk.

Get in the fucking line.

Ladies and gentlemen.

We seem to have a uh...

minor problem in the kitchen.

Now folks, will you help us out please?

Folks, everyone's gonna have to leave the building

and my gladiators will show you to the nearest exit.

Good luck, god bless.

Forget about it.

Hey, hey, hey.

I've been looking all over for you.

I hear family's mix pretty well together, don't you think?

Oh okay. Well listen, I was wondering...

You wanna go out sometime?

I don't think so.

Why?

Because you're a Nunzio, asshole.

Check, please.

You're asking for a check.

Grandma, come on.

Come on.

Uncle Louie, this way.

Come on.

Do you need your diaper bag?

- No, no, no. - Are you sure?

- No. - Whoa, what's going on?

Is Vinnie torching the place?

You came back.

Yeah, I had to. We're married.

It says so on the car.

Wait, T, do you still love me?

Yeah, Tina, I still love you.

They still love each other.

Okay, come on. Let's go.

Come on, let's get out of here.

You, Tina and Tony, run as far away from

your family as you can.

Oh, si. Why you think grandpa, we come to United States?

To get away from the crazy family.

It's in the blood.

Go have babies.

Mix up the blood.

Oh, she's right.

You're my wife now.

That's the only good thing that came out of this.

I can't believe my father had me running away from

my own wife.

I can't believe my mother tried to divorce us before

the reception was even over.

Hey, want your ring back?

Yeah.

Come here.

- Angelina! - Louie!

- Tina! - Oh shit!

Tina!

- Ma! - Tina, come back!

Ma, move on! It's over!

Where you going?

That's it, I'm leaving. I gotta move on, dad.

What do I do with the club?

Give it to Johnny if he wants it.

He's a tomato or half-wit.

Tina, you're acting rash!

Rash? Ma, I've known T for ten years!

That's not acting rash!

- Listen to me! - Ma!

- What? - This one's a nut.

Her daughter's no better, alright?

There's a serious kind of mental illness here that I

recognize in you know who.

I can just see you running down the street crying.

Hey! Leave mom out of this.

That's enough.

Who brought you up, the flamethrower?

Ma, get out of the car!

But it's over!

Me, you, the Animal Kingdom, everything.

Tina, let's go.

Tina, if you go, I wash my hands!

Ma, I bet daddy did this to you on your wedding day.

Tony, is not your father.

Well, I'm not you either, ma, alright?

You raised me to think this is the best day of my

life, but I know better.

The best is yet to come, baby!

Baby?

Baby?

- Baby? - I love you, ma!

Baby?

She's gonna have a Nunzio baby!

In your dreams!

- Tony! - Tina, my baby!

- Come back here! - Come back here!

You don't know what you're doing!

Oh, Tina, she's gonna have a Nunzio baby!

Hey, Tony!

We're attached at the hip, baby.

Well I was thinking about somewhere else,

but that's alright.

- What the... - I'm getting married!

- You're crazy. - Fuck it, I'm doing it!

Dom, elope! Take my word for it.

Elope!

We did it, baby!

Woo! We're free!

Yeah!

- Woo! - Woo!

- Tony! - Tina!