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♪ Woo ♪

♪ Every night is just a party night ♪

♪ Every day I'm lying by the pool ♪

♪ Everybody's passing through my sight ♪

♪ I don't even have to go to school ♪

♪ Maybe I should get a working job ♪

♪ And I could quit living like a slob ♪

♪ But in my dreams ♪

♪ it goes on and on ♪

♪ I want a ♪

♪ I want an American summer ♪

♪ I want a ♪

♪ I want an American summer night ♪

♪ I can kick it in a great big house ♪

♪ I would hang out with the movie stars ♪

♪ Everyone would wanna be in my crowd ♪

♪ We would drink it up and smoke cigars ♪

♪ Maybe I should get a working job ♪

♪ And I could quit living like a slob ♪

♪ But in my dreams it goes on and on

♪ I want a ♪

♪ I want an American summer ♪

♪ I want a ♪

♪ I want an American summer ♪

♪ American summer American summer ♪

♪ American summer night ♪♪

man: Meet my cousin, Alex Sperling.

You're probably wondering, "Hey, who's this Alex kid

and why is he fighting a guy dressed as a unicorn?"

And more importantly,

who are all those girls with really big tits?

I can explain all those things, but first, let's rewind.

( imitating tape rewinding )

Okey-dokey.

Here we are, like two months earlier,

graduation day in Southfield, Michigan.

You've seen it all before.

Caps, gowns, kvetching parents,

typical graduation speeches.

Graduates, we are about to step into the real world

and, frankly...

it blows.

I wanna live now.

I wanna travel and get high at concerts

and bungee-jump naked

and experiment sexually with multiple partners.

( cheers and applause )

So I say to you, senior class, carpe diem.

Suck the marrow out of life.

Suck it, suck it, suck it!

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

Thank you, Class President Victoria Mills.

That was very, uh, graphic.

Our final speaker

is one of Southfield's shining lights.

National Merit Scholar Alex Sperling.

( applauding )

Bravo!

man: Oh, and there's his folks,

my Uncle Martin and Aunt Nancy.

Little stiff, but good people.

They're anthropologists or orthodontist-ists or--

Something with an "-ist."

Wow, that went fast.

We're done.

But, you know, this is only the beginning...

man: Blah, blah.

I know you don't want to hear the speech.

I was there and, frankly, it kinda sucked,

so let's get to the good part.

That's where I show up.

Oh, have a good summer.

- My boy! - Hey, Mom.

Congratulations, baby.

Thank you, thank you.

- Dad? - You're a man now.

Congratulations.

Harvard is lucky to be getting you.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, my God.

Roger?

When did this become a VIP event?

You didn't tell us you were coming.

There I am, Roger Sperling.

I have a speaking engagement

at an engineering conference here in Detroit.

Owner of my own hydraulic engineering firm,

philanthropist, philosopher and all-around love machine.

Ow!

So I thought I'd surprise you guys.

I can't believe you're here!

- You were awesome. - Thank you.

- Congratulations. - Thanks.

So, Aunt Nancy, Uncle Martin,

you mind if I steal boy wonder for a second?

- No, not at all. - Have a little heart-to-heart.

Great.

Hey!

So you going to the afterparty down in Addison's pond?

Between you and I,

that's where I lost Teri Raskin's virginity,

so if you happen to see it there, just let me know.

No, man, I-- look, I can't go to the pond.

I fly out to D.C. at like 6:00 a.m.

Do you know how many strings my dad had to pull

to get me this internship with Senator Brewster?

And, Roger, I have to show leadership this summer

because if I don't get this scholarship,

I can't go to Harvard

and if I don't go to Harvard, I mean...

Hey, hey, Alex, come on.

You're gonna get the scholarship, relax.

Breathe.

When you're in D.C. or at Harvard, if you need anything,

advice, letter of recommendation,

a stock tip, you call your cousin Roger

and I'll hook you up, all right?

Yes, thank you.

( tires screeching )

- "The Post" is on the phone! - Excuse me?

- Hi. - Do me a favor.

- Unplug that phone. - Oh, sure.

Wow, it's a busy place.

Um, my name's Alex Sperling.

it's a pleasure to be joining the team.

Welcome to Washington.

- Start shredding. - Oh, well, I don't--

- Shred! - Sure, okay.

No problem, I just wanted to thank you and the senator,

you know, for the opportunity to get my scholarship...

... so I can go to Harvard,

and it's truly rare in politics nowadays

to find someone with such character

- and integrity and... - Come on, flush, you bastard!

Come on!

What are you going? Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

We're not having such a great day, are we?

I hate to disappoint you,

but your man of character and integrity

has one tiny little weakness.

Oh, well, you know, I heard Abraham Lincoln

couldn't turn down a piece of cake.

Could Honest Abe pass up ten-year-old Filipino boys?

- Excuse me? - FBI!

Get your hands up, let's go, son!

Leave it alone!

- Let me see your hands! - Freeze!

Stop the shredding now!

if you need anything,

you call your cousin Roger and I'll hook you up.

Now, I never would have said that

if I thought he was gonna take me seriously.

♪ in Los Angeles ♪

♪ I know that my dreams will come true ♪

♪ in the City of Angels ♪

♪ I'll follow my heart ♪

- ♪ Right to you ♪ - ( cell phone ringing )

♪ Right to you ♪♪

Hey, cuz, need a stock tip already?

Uh, no, not exactly.

You know how you said to call you if I needed anything?

Yeah, anything.

What's up?

Well... I need you to pick me up.

I'm at LAX.

You're here? Now?

Yeah.

Look, I'll explain everything when you get here.

Just meet me at baggage claim, okay, Roger?

No, no--

Hey, hey, Alex, Al-- Alex, Alex?

Roger, stop lounging.

Let's get the pool cleaned.

Lounge-- I was just waiting for the chlorine to stabilize,

Mr. Davi, sir.

Yeah, well, stabilize by getting the pool cleaned.

- I got people coming over. - Yes, sir, Mr. Davi.

And stop with the Eddie Haskell bullshit.

Just clean the pool.

Okay, yes, I lied.

To you, to Alex, to everyone in the world,

I don't own my own hydro-engineering

whatever-the-hell-I-said.

I clean pools for a living and I'm a liar,

'cause, frankly, "captain of industry"

works much better than "pool boy"

when you're trying to get a date.

Yo, what's up, homey?

Give me your money, dog!

Hey.

- What's up, bro? - Thanks for coming.

I really appreciate this on such short notice, thank you.

Hey, what happened in D.C.?

- Senator Brewster? - Ooh, he's dirty.

He didn't touch you, did he?

Oh no, turns out I'm not his type.

Too bad-- I am.

Whistle, ooh, whistle!

- Ow! - Big bag for the weekend.

You wanna hit the beaches or what?

I need a job.

My parents are in Africa on a research grant.

if I don't have a job, then I can't get this scholarship,

then how am I gonna pay for college?

Let alone Harvard.

I need your help, Roger.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Yeah, all right, fine.

- All right. - I mean, I can't pay you.

No, that's okay, it's an internship.

Do you know anything about aquatic engineering?

it's not as glamorous as you think.

No, that's okay.

I don't need glamour, I just need a job.

I mean, it's really not glamorous in any way,

- shape or form. - That's totally fine.

Are you good at math?

There's a lot of math.

Yeah, no, I'm good.

All right, here we are.

Sorry again about the car.

I can't wait to get my Mercedes back.

These auto-shop loaners are a real disaster.

it's okay, I love NASCAR.

Yeah.

That's good.

You live here?

Yeah, right.

it belongs to one of my junior engineers.

Oh, thank God.

They're off-site right now building a dam in Dubai.

He's just letting me crash here for a couple months

until my place in the Palisades is done.

it's six months overdue.

Do you believe that?

Dude, contractors.

I mean, they're worse than...

Yo, Rog!

... drug dealers.

I got your weed, man.

I couldn't remember, did you want an eighth or a quarter?

Get away from the building, you-- you purveyor of sin!

Yeah, I wanted an eighth.

An eighth of Hindu Kush, you got it?

Okay.

Get-- get out of here!

Jerk!

Huh.

Yes.

Sorry about that.

What was that all about?

That guy, Eddie,

he's just a bad element in the neighborhood.

So this is it, my temporary digs.

And this is where you'll be spending

the next six weeks.

it's-- it's actually a lot more comfortable than it looks.

Okay, now, Alex wasn't a total idiot.

There's one surefire way to keep any red-blooded male

from thinking properly.

( knocking )

Hey, Rog, Whole Foods doesn't actually sell

Wonder Bread, Miracle Whip,

so I got you cracked wheat and Vegenaise.

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh, this is my cousin Alex.

Alex, this is my neighbor--

My employee's neighbor, Laura.

Um, I gotta go put my stuff away,

so... welcome to LA, Alex.

♪ Ooh-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ What up yo? ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Gonna get high so we don't stay low ♪

♪ Nothing matters even if it did ♪

♪ Look out man don't give a damn ♪

♪ I know this life like the back of my hand ♪♪

- So people actually live here? - Yeah, it's embarrassing.

it doesn't even have a tennis court.

All right, technological supplies.

This right here is a sediment displacer.

That is a polymer-based discharge reservoir.

Right.

- Submersible sonic piping. - Uh-huh.

Very important, liquid attitude adjuster.

Okay.

And... let's do some engineering.

All right.

Now, what you're gonna see here looks like a common pool,

but what I'm doing is very cutting-edge.

Yeah, it's one of my-- my test houses.

I like to be out in the-- in the field.

Good for morale.

Um... I'm working on a new salinity test for

aquatic entertainment environments.

Wow.

I'm gonna put a 60-inch plasma in the deep end.

- Really? - Sure.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, whoa!

Oh, sh-- Hector, Hector!

- Roger! - Hector, that's my cousin!

Who are you, cabrón?

And why were you staring at la Señora Ashmore?

I wasn't!

- Hey! - Roger!

That's my cousin, Alex!

He's helping me out today.

- ¿Oh, que paso, Rogelio? - Yeah.

Hey.

I'm sorry, mister, okay?

Nice to meet you.

- Yeah, nice to meet you. - Yeah.

( grunting )

Oh, Mr. Stenson told me to tell you that the pool needs

a filter because it's getting clogged up.

La muerta Bethany is getting stickers all over the pool

Hablamos mañana.

- Okay. - Thank you.

( grunting )

Ciao.

You're a pool boy.

I'm more of a pool man.

You're a pool boy.

Great.

He's a pool boy.

- Um... - That's fantastic.

So you don't have a house in the Palisades?

No house.

And you don't drive a Mercedes-Benz.

I have driven one.

And that.

That's no poly-waddle discharge whatever.

it's a plastic bucket.

That is, in fact, a bucket.

So then who the hell are you, man?

- I'm your cousin, Roger. - No.

No, no, no, you're not.

My cousin Roger went to Harvard.

He graduated Phi Beta Kappa and Summa Cum Laude.

Roger owns his own aquatic engineering firm.

Roger...

that guy dropped out.

I dropped out after my freshman year.

Just...

Well, that's perfect.

- Oh! - Shit.

All right, come on, where you going?

- Back to Michigan. - You can't go back to Michigan.

You don't have a job and your mom and dad are in Africa.

Well, it beats sleeping on an eviscerated sofa

- with some fraud. - Hey, hey, hey!

Let me ask you a question.

Who's the guy that gave you his entire collection of "Swank"

and "Penthouse" when you turned 1 3 years old?

I came out here

because I thought that you had a real job.

My entire life depends on this scholarship.

What am I supposed to tell them at the interview?

That I learned how to balance pH levels?

First of all, that's harder than it looks.

And second of all, you're not gonna lose your scholarship.

All right, we're smart guys.

We'll think of something.

it's like my buddy Kierkegaard said:

"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."

And you're just a little dizzy, that's all.

All right?

So big breaths.

Ooh, look it, that's tension.

Let that go, shake that thing out.

- Don't touch me. - Come on.

Let me show you the beauty of cleaning a pool.

Shall I?

Nice T-shirt.

isn't it ironic?

No, I'm going to Harvard in the fall.

Yeah, right.

Guess where I'm going today?

Villefranche-sur-Mer.

That's in France.

That's in Europe.

You ever been to Europe?

- Yeah. - You have not.

Hey, guess what I'm getting when I'm 16?

A BMW 760Li.

That's a $140,000 car.

What do you drive?

Right about now, I'm thinking about this pool skimmer

through your head.

woman: Bethany.

There you are.

You all packed, honey bun?

You're not my mother, Caitlin!

And I'm not packed!

Damn it!

- Hi, Roger. - Hi, Mrs. Stenson.

Ooh, sorry about that.

You excited-- you excited for your trip?

Oh, my God, I haven't been out of the country

since spring break senior year.

We were down in Mexico, got totally drunk off,

like, Jell-O shots, danced on the bar--

No, I don't care and don't call me back until this deal is done,

- got it, huh? - Sounds awesome.

Hey, Roger Dodger.

What's going on, boss?

Do us a favor, keep an eye on the place while we're gone.

We'll be back in about six weeks.

Yes, sir.

And here's a little something extra for your trouble.

Oh, no, you don't have to-- you don't have to--

No, you don't have to worry about that, sir.

No, here, here, here you go.

Okay, let's go, sweetheart.

is that a five, is that a five, sir?

- Yeah. - Hey.

This should pay for my gas coming up your driveway.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, cocksucker.

Roger!

My fountain isn't spurting.

Can you make it spurt?

Spurting is my specialty.

I'm on my way, Mrs. Ashmore.

( grunting )

Oh!

Roger!

( coughing )

Hey, what are you doing swimming?

This is a business, that is unprofessional.

- Wine cooler, boy? - Sounds delightful.

Oh, look it-- David's back!

Thanks, Roger!

So this is what your life is like.

You work for about an hour and then you sit around

drinking with half-naked women?

Not always.

Sometimes they're fully naked.

You weren't really in Michigan

speaking at an engineering conference, were you?

No, I actually just wanted to see

my cousin graduate valedictorian

and it just so happened to coincide with PoolCon,

our annual trade show.

( laughing )

Pool cleaners have trade shows?

Yes, why is that funny?

You have to stay up with technology.

Look, I know you think that I have a crap job,

but keeping a pool is a lot like life, right?

Make sure you have enough water,

your chemicals are balanced

and you keep the scum away and you'll be all good.

Good morning, sunshine.

Just another beautiful day in paradise.

is it me or did the world just get very dark?

Maybe it's an eclipse.

Has to be a full moon for an eclipse.

You sure you got into Harvard?

Ahh, it touched my face.

- Tom, turn the valve on! - You got it.

Hey.

There's a big tent thing over my-- my place of residence.

- is that so? - What's going on?

Vermin infestation, boy.

We gotta fumigate the building,

we gotta fumigate the whole building,

right to left to the top to the bottom.

That sounds toxic.

( sniffing )

Oh, shit.

Roger?

Eddie?

Hey, hey, get up, man!

Back off, man!

it's the aliens, man!

We didn't pay our intergalactic taxes

and now they're gassing us!

Snap out of it!

We need to get to Wyoming to the Devil's Tower.

- And we need mashed potatoes! - I'll get you out of here.

- We need mashed potatoes, man! - I got you, man!

I'm talking about mashed potatoes, mashed potatoes!

The aliens, man, are gonna suck our brains out,

we're totally screwed!

( wheezing )

That's my cousin, choking out on the ground.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

You just saved my life, man.

I owe you huge.

- Don't worry about it. - No.

I will train.

I will be your ward, your page.

Robin to your Superman.

Wherever you go, I will protect you.

it's-- it's okay, Eddie.

Oh, good, 'cause I got a shift at Applebee's at...

Oh, shit, that's right now.

it's a good thing that this happened

or I would have been late.

Yeah.

Take it easy.

What is going on here?

Excuse me?

How long is this gonna be on here?

- I work out of my apartment. - Let's see.

You got 72 hours for the termites.

You got 36 or so for the spiders,

then you got 48 for the rats--

What-- what-- what am I supposed to do?

I have a client at 1 0:00.

I don't know what you're supposed to do.

You better call your client and tell him to bring some

chalk or something for y'all can play some hopscotch on the floor

'cause I don't know what you're gonna do.

All right, everyone just relax for one second.

I know a place we can go and chill out

unless you have a better option.

Hey, Roger, wait.

Just a-- just a second.

Hey.

Come on, come on, come on, come on...

No, I just--

Look, will you please talk some sense into him?

- You tell him. - I'm trying to tell him.

- Roger! - What?

Roger, this is not such a good idea.

Yeah, Stenson gave me five bucks to watch the place.

He-- he gave me the code in case of emergency.

it's "titties."

isn't that funny?

This isn't really an emergency, Roger.

it is for me.

Now this I could get used to.

He's got a bad-ass stereo.

( rock music blaring )

Listen to that reverb!

Hey, why don't you just send a memo to the whole neighborhood

letting them know we're here?

it's 1 0:00 a.m.

They're either at work, Pilates or rehab.

it feels so good loud.

♪ I'll take you down... ♪

- ( doorbell ringing ) - Shit, um...

my client's early.

Rog, will you turn it down?

A little.

And, Alex, will you let him in while I change?

- Yeah, okay. - Great!

♪ I'll take you down ♪

Hello?

Yes, I'm here to see Laura?

Uh, yeah, she's expecting you.

- Why don't you come in? - Oh, thank you.

Sure.

is there a restroom I could use?

Yeah, I think it's in the office.

Thank you.

I'll just let her know you're here.

Thank you.

Hey, Laura, your client's here.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Alex, it's okay.

I just thought you were dressed.

I am.

For a meeting?

What are you, a prostitute?

You're a prostitute?

We prefer "escort."

( man barking )

Mr. Burger!

Mr. Burger, sit!

Sit!

( whimpering )

Good boy.

Yes, who's a good boy?

You're a...

Yes, you're a good boy.

Yeah, you like your bone?

You're doing dog fetishes now?

That's bitchin'.

Hey, how come you didn't tell me what she did?

Whoa, whoa, time out.

Alex, Laura is an escort.

Do you feel better now?

Hey, does he do any tricks?

( barking )

Hey, Mr. Burger.

Come here, boy!

Come here!

God, I can't believe this is what you do.

Come here, big boy.

- Oh, those scruffy ears! - Oh, my God.

Come here, Mr. Burger!

Oh, you're such a good dog!

I can't be a part of this.

Okay, Alex, then I will find someplace else.

No, well-- that's not what I--

Laura, just wait a second.

( growling )

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Mr. Burger!

No, no, no, no, no, down!

Bad dog, bad dog!

- Off, off! - Come here, boy!

Come get the bone!

Come on, there you go.

Hiyah!

That's it!

Hiyah!

Thanks.

Dude, where do you get off talking to her like that?

- She's a hooker. - No, don't call her that.

She's my friend.

Why are you being such a dick?

I'm not being a dick, it's just that she's--

Oh, my God.

- You have a crush on her. - What?

No, I don't have a crush on her.

it makes sense, she's a gorgeous girl.

I do not have a crush on her!

Okay, fine, you don't have a crush on her.

it's probably a good thing, seeing as how

- you just drove her away. - What?

Uh, exit, stage left.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Laura, hold on!

Laura, wait!

Alex, I don't even put up with clients being rude

- and they pay me. - No, please.

Look, look, look, look.

I'm sorry, okay?

it's-- it's just this whole thing just

really caught me off-guard and--

Look, I would never want to insult you.

Please don't go.

Promise me you're cool with this.

Yeah, I'm totally cool with this.

( Mr. Burger urinating )

He's peeing on me, isn't he?

it just means he likes you.

( panting )

What in the world is this?

Vegan barbecue salad with seitan edamame

and cashew soy cheese.

How could you eat that?

The body is your temple, Alex.

You should be very particular about what you put in it.

isn't that kind of ironic coming from a--

Wait, no, no, no.

Look, I'm just trying to understand.

I mean, your temple does get more worshipers than most.

Yes.

Yes, but I don't let in just anybody.

You know, they have to be clean,

they have to take off their shoes.

I never let anybody use the back door.

Look, Alex, I have a very select group of clients.

Most of my clients don't even want to have sex.

They just have some fantasy they want to play out, y'know?

Plus, I'm putting away a lot of money.

I'm not gonna do this forever.

I'm gonna get some more wine.

Red or white?

I don't know, what goes good with Satan?

it's seitan.

And white.

So, what are we doing tomorrow?

I'll tell you what we're not gonna do.

We're not gonna worry about your scholarship.

What are you talking about?

Dude, you don't need a scholarship

if you can pay for a full tuition.

What, are we gonna rob a bank now?

No.

Something better.

♪ A little bit of me... ♪

Good morning, Alex.

Roger: See, I'm always thinking.

I mean, I was smart enough to get into Harvard, right?

So I figure, here we are in this huge house

and I know Laura's got friends in the lady business.

I should have told Alex what I was thinking,

but I don't know.

I thought it'd be fun to see the look on his virgin face

when he found out what I had cooked up.

Good morning!

Your house is "wunderbar."

And what a great pool.

♪ A little bit of me... ♪

Roger, these women are all prostitutes.

Alex, prostitutes wear tube tops, clear heels

and chew Bubblicious.

These women are professional escorts.

We had a little extra space in the house,

so I asked myself, "Self, what would Jesus do?"

Jesus would open a brothel?

Jesus was down with Mary Magdalene

and she was a pro, kid.

Now, you've already met the tectonic wonder

Hedda, all right,

but over by the stereo is Julia.

But don't pronounce the "J," it's "Hoo-lia. "

I already got busted for that.

And on the couch is Lin.

Now, Lin doesn't speak a lick of English,

but she is pierced head to toe.

How fucking hot is that?

Watch this.

Hey, Lin!

I like your boobs!

She has no idea what I'm saying.

She thinks I'm asking her what time it is.

But my favorite is Debbie.

Au naturel and built like a brick shit house.

Wanna know the best part,

other than the fact that they're all ridiculously hot,

is that as the house,

we get 30% of whatever they make.

The thing I always forget

is Alex is the world's biggest pessimist.

I need to talk to you for a second, get in here.

Why are your panties all in a bunch?

Are you out of your mind?

I know talent when I see it

and there's a Huggy Bear in there somewhere.

No, I'm not gonna become a pimp,

it's incredibly illegal.

So is squatting, yet here we are.

Only because you roped me into it.

Okay, look, you're gonna make some money,

you're gonna pay for Harvard,

you're gonna have the summer of your life.

No.

I'm gonna continue cleaning your pools

until I can find a real job.

Okay.

( buzzer ringing )

That's a mistake, though.

♪ I'm gonna party like a rock star ♪

♪ Hit a bunch of strip bars ♪

♪ Wake up naked in a hotel room... ♪

Roger: I think Nietzsche said,

the best way to let a man learn

is from his own mistakes.

Or is that an episode of "Kung Fu"?

♪... around my car ♪

♪ And party like a rock star ♪♪

Hey, the pool boy.

Whoa.

- Where's my man, Roger? - I'm filling in for him.

Frank Priestley, US Army.

- Sure, yeah. - Retired.

Kind of late, aren't you, son?

Yeah, it's just been a really long day, sir, I'm sorry.

Well, my pool shouldn't take you too long.

I'll be inside if you need anything.

Yeah.

Hey, cuz.

How was your day?

Oh.

My day was great.

Clogged filters and then algae that I think

was growing other algae.

isn't that the life?

I'm choosing to think of it as a case study

on why not to drop out of college.

How was yours?

Oh, you know, it was all right.

I mean, we didn't make that much money,

but other than that,

it was pretty un-freaking-believable.

Dude, beautiful women asking me

to apply lotion all over their bodies

and then to re-tie bikinis.

I had to take off three pairs of leather pants

and I started snooping around

and I found Stenson's stash of cigars

and I found some great porn and his

- Oh! - Speedo collection.

No, Roger--

is that--

Goddamn it, that is really unsanitary.

I'm sorry about that, cousin.

Are you putting your money in a sock?

Yes, I am.

I would have put it under the mattress,

but they were all in use.

Genius.

Let me guess.

Japanese guy with a literary fetish under the bed.

Just me trying to chill.

Running this place is actually harder than I expected.

I thought Roger was taking care of all that.

Yeah, well, Roger is enthusiastic

but he gave two clients the wrong directions here today

and double-booked Lin with Mr. Gibbs and Mr. Ramsay.

Luckily, both guys were into it.

( laughing )

Yeah, it's been so busy.

I actually haven't had time for a client all day.

Oh, wow, that's too bad.

You know, um... if you wanted to help out,

Roger said you've got a real head for numbers.

Well, I don't wanna brag,

but I did break all the sales records

as business manager of the school newspaper

and was runner-up in

the Michigan State Econ Olympics and...

None of that sounds cool when you say it out loud.

So good night.

Good night, Alex.

You have been a very, very bad boy.

Oh, sorry, you scared me a little bit.

I don't think we've met, my name's Alex.

You must be one of Laura's friends.

Or not.

- Did I tell you to talk? - What?

I don't know what's going--

Oh, ahh!

Are you crazy, lady?

( screaming )

Whoa!

- Stay! - What are you, sick?

You make me puke.

You pathetic, disgusting, loathsome,

- shrimp dick excuse of a man. - Ahh!

You putrid donkey shit!

Roger, somebody help me!

Bree, stop!

You're in the wrong room!

Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

I am so sorry, are you all right?

Here-- here, let me--

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, you went to Camp Tamakwa?

I went to Camp Winnepisaqui right across the lake.

That's where Sam and I met.

Go, fighting Beavers!

Well, I gotta go do the whole discipline thing,

so it was really nice meeting you.

Bye.

Julia!

Oh!

So, so sorry, I forgot my gimp.

( giggling )

Thanks, Rog.

Those girls are amazing.

I mean, they let me do the flaming porcupine.

I'm in love-- real love!

Gall dang!

So, Jimbo, maybe we should pay the piper?

Huh, a little settle-up time?

Uh, yeah.

See, I'm gonna need to broker right now,

but we got Modest Mouse playing at the club tomorrow night.

How about I hook you up VIP?

Call it even?

Me likey big time.

- Yeah. - Deal.

Woo!

And you're welcome back anytime big Jimbo.

Modest Mouse.

( Hedda clearing throat )

Did you just take our services for a rock concert?

Actually, I would call Modest Mouse

more emo than rock.

Damn it, Roger, that is not the point.

Okay, if we're gonna have this conversation,

you're gonna have to cover those puppies up.

You know what, we don't do charity lays, Roger.

This isn't high school.

Goddamn, I went to the wrong high school.

Roger: Beverly Hills might seem glamorous,

but you're not just cleaning hot tubs.

You're cleaning famous people's hot tubs.

Here's a little secret for you.

Famous people, in general, are psychos.

( gun cocking )

What the fuck are you doing on my property?

I'm just here to clean the pool.

- Let me see your ID. - My pool-cleaning ID?

Do not be a smart-ass with me.

I'm a certified member of the Beverly Hills Police Department.

I have a license to kill you right now.

Hey.

Aren't you Tom Arnold?

No, I'm Shaquille fuckin' O'Neal.

- You work for the law? - I am the law, motherfucker.

And it's not some honorary thing, either.

I took down a thief.

Okay, he was stealing one of my plasmas.

My inner hero came out, I went Rambo on his ass.

You beat him up?

I ran him over with my Bentley.

And I so impressed the chief of Police of Beverly Hills

that he gave me this.

There's a lot of weird shit going on in Beverly Hills

people don't know about.

Now word on the street is there's a prostitution ring

being run out of this very neighborhood.

Do you know anything about that?

No, no, no, I don't know anything about that.

Damn.

'Cause I'm really horny...

kinda perverted and...

I'd just like to be a part of it.

All right, I'm gonna go do my tantric yoga.

Make me real limber.

in about three weeks, I'll be able to blow myself.

I may never get married again.

You clean the pool.

And keep it quiet out here, all right?

Quiet!

( cell phone ringing )

- Alex Sperling. - ( gunshot firing )

Shit!

I said no fucking noise!

Roger: You see what I mean?

And Tom Arnold is one of the well-adjusted ones.

- Here you go, Rog. - Thanks, Brad.

Hey.

What's up, cuz?

How's the great American job search going?

Well, I called 1 56 places,

spent 20 minutes dialing, four hours on hold

and three minutes being rejected by everyone

and then capped off the day by being shot at by Tom Arnold.

You didn't get hit, did you?

- No. - Oh, you're fine.

How was your day?

My day was terrible, thank you for asking.

I hung out with five ridiculously beautiful women.

Can you say "high maintenance"?

Look, I'm not gonna say that I'm over my head,

but I might be just a little bit over my head.

I could really use your help.

Really?

Yes.

- Okay. - Seriously?

- On one condition. - Yeah.

Go ahead and name it.

That you help me get the Westington Scholarship.

And how do I do that?

- By doing what you do best. - Which is?

Bullshitting.

Oh, I'm very good at bullshitting.

Yeah, we're gonna make the scholarship committee think

that I've been working for your

"aquatic engineering firm" all summer, okay?

And then you can help me with the paperwork

and the interview and whatever else I need to do,

but I need to get that scholarship.

Yeah, that's it?

- Deal? - Dude, deal, yes.

You kidding me?

Bah!

So now we had Alex' business sense,

my impressive people skills

and five girls with majors in humping.

Still, we were missing something.

Los muscle.

I don't think so.

Hector, we're talking about

a serious business opportunity here.

Cara de rana, mira.

No thank you.

I have good business already, man, okay?

Good luck.

You used the wrong incentive.

We'll help you land Señora Ashmore.

How would you know that?

¿Que paso?

Rogelio, why would she go out with me, eh?

I'm a gardener.

You are a gardener.

But you are muy handsome.

Look, I mean, dude, she's not that picky.

Yeah, yeah, Hector, she's a woman, she's lonely.

Yeah, all you need is some dough.

You upgrade your ride, you get some new threads,

take her on the kind of date a woman like that deserves.

Bennigan's?

Olive Garden, baby.

Olive Garden.

We got business!

- All right! - All right!

- Hey, hey, hey! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on, hold on, buddy.

Roger: Just like that, we were up and running.

Alex laid out the business plan,

Hector worked security and I--

Well, I did a lot of very important stuff.

Point is, all of a sudden,

we had a real business on our hands.

All we needed was clients.

Luckily, this was Beverly Hills.

You can't throw a rock in Beverly Hills

without hitting some horny rich guy.

Yeah, Frank's an okay guy.

I've cleaned his pool before.

it definitely didn't look like this.

I think it's gonna be an easy sale.

Are you sure you don't need Roger for that?

No, I think I can handle it.

Oye, mira.

Look, if he decides to call the police,

you yell out my name, okay?

- Comprendes Mendez? - Yeah.

Comprendes, "friend-e."

I don't think it's gonna be a problem, though.

Cuantas veces le has dicho "comprendes Mendez"

y este no agarra la palabra?

Esta bonita la casa, no?

Good morning, Frank.

Alex.

What are you doing here?

How many years you been married, Frank?

Oh, God, about 20 years, I guess.

Wow.

Sex with one person for all those years

must be getting pretty--

Well, I don't wanna say stale.

You can say stale.

Well, I just mean that after all that time,

you might be wanting a little variety?

Now, I'm sure your wife is wonderful, but sometimes,

you're looking for something different, right?

Are we talking...

a business transaction?

Yeah.

Something clean, private...

and our little secret.

Oh.

Well, to be honest, it wouldn't be the first time

- I've done something like this. - Really?

Yeah, well, back when I was stationed in Germany--

Well, let's just say

I might have unloaded some friendly fire.

( laughing )

Well, a man's got to do what a man's got to do, right?

What the hell?

- I'll do it. - Great.

Well, we have a few different options for you,

I mean, depending on what your preference is.

I would probably go ahead and recommend

the starter... package.

Ready to deploy when you are, Private!

Oh, God!

Hector!

- Hector! - Hector?

All right, this just keeps getting better and better.

- Two for the price of one. - No, no, you don't understand.

- Hector's not-- - ( glass shattering )

Oh, my God! Shit!

I'm so-- oh, I'm really, really sorry, Frank.

No, it's okay.

The rougher the better!

No, no, no, Frank, there's been a misunderstanding, okay?

- Hector, please! - Hey.

You need Hector to go first, that's cool.

I'm up for whatever.

Pitcher, catcher, spectator.

Frank, there's gonna be no ball game of any kind!

So what?

You got the little general standing at attention

and it's, "Sorry, Frank,

go back to your wife, Frank"?

it's just that I'm not--

You're just like Gary from racquetball--

pants down, pussy out!

( groaning )

Oh, yeah, incoming.

Oh, Mexican sneak attack, I love it!

( yelling )

You didn't know Frank was gay?

- He's got a wife and two kids. - So?

That doesn't mean anything.

This is Beverly Hills.

He probably needed a tax write-off.

Look, it's okay, one lost client won't kill us.

What other leads do you have?

Well, sort of none.

You can use my leads.

Where'd you get those?

What, you think I sit around all day jerking off

to Caitlin's workout videos?

That took like a minute and a half.

And then I hit the town.

Country clubs, golf courses, Porsche dealerships.

Basically, I went anywhere where rich guys

who don't get laid hang out.

Thank you, Roger.

Eurasia?

You're like a little hot ninja.

With my leads, business really took off.

Within a week, we had to fly new girls in.

Soon, every room in the house was rockin'.

And it wasn't just straight humping either-- no.

We were willing to serve any pervert with enough money.

You name it, we did it, right on down to my favorite,

the Algerian wang-a-doodle.

♪ Everything's all right to say ♪

♪ I'm hoping to not getting nowhere ♪

♪ I could be wrong you could be right ♪

♪ But I'm giving up without a fight ♪

♪ I've got nothing left to say ♪

♪ So I'll just shut my mouth ♪♪

( dance music blaring )

- Keep pouring those drinks. - You bet.

Julia, looking good.

What's up, guys?

Hey, make sure you get more drinks at the bar, guys.

- Come on now, girl! - Jimmy...

Jimmy is bucking and soon we'll be fucking!

Hey, Hector, you good?

Come on, French maid, whip it!

Whip it good!

Hey, he's one of our best clients.

I know.

- Nice dress, baby. - Thanks, made it myself.

You guys good, everything's okay?

- You owe me one. - Hey.

Are there any rooms in here

that aren't being used for sex?

Possibly the bedrooms.

Which reminds me, don't go in the kitchen.

Oh, wait, where are we supposed to eat?

There's an Easy Oven in Bethany's room,

but don't take long, we're about to start a batch

of my famous magic brownies, all right?

Stop looking at my penis.

Roger, you're a fuck.

Push!

Just keep pushing, push!

- Come on, Alex, we can take-- - ( cell phone ringing )

Just keep pushing, just keep pushing her!

Yeah?

Alex, you have the telephone call.

Tell 'em I'm busy!

They say they call from Africa.

Oh, shit, that's my parents!

it's my parents!

Oh, you mother and father of Alex?

Oh, Hedda love Alex.

He's so sweet and so smart.

Here's Alex.

Hedda, Hedda, will you give me the phone please?

Hiya, Mom, Dad.

Who was that?

That's Hedda, Roger's office manager.

She's great.

What's up?

Honey, tell him about the wildebeest.

Your mother wants me to tell you that we saw a lion

chase down and kill a defenseless wildebeest.

- How's it going with Roger? - Tell him about the hippos.

He doesn't wanna hear about the hippos.

How is it going with the company?

Oh, it's really good.

Roger's...

He's hands-on.

Alex, I don't have to remind you

how important this scholarship is.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna let you down.

Okay, love you!

is this why you dropped out of Harvard?

it's effect, my brother, not a cause.

So did you flunk out?

Dude, I never flunked anything.

I'm talking about a 4.0, writing for the "Crimson,"

singing with the Kroaks.

I was the BMOC.

Uhh.

So then why'd you leave?

I don't know, I just freaked out.

All I was doing was studying and working

and running on the treadmill

to keep up with all the other fucked-up overachieving robots.

I hate running on treadmills.

Wow, you're really making me excited to go, Rog, thanks.

I just want you to enjoy it.

I mean, it may be Harvard, but it's college, right?

College is supposed to be the best time of your life.

No, this is the best time of my life.

Can you imagine leaving all of this?

"And summer's lease hath all too short a date.

"Sometime...

"too hot the eye of heaven shines

and often is his gold complexion dimmed."

it's tight, right?

What?

it's just Shakespeare's way of saying

that in a few short weeks,

the Stensons will be home and you'll be off at Harvard

and I'll be back... cleaning this pool.

Only with slightly fewer gambling debts.

I think I liked that better in Shakespearean form.

Amen, my brother, amen.

You see all the people on the ship?

Hi!

( toilet flushing )

That was the most elegant dump I've ever taken.

it's amazing how you Americans

are always challenging yourself.

Roger: Everything was going well,

but we knew there was still room for improvement.

That's why when the bachelorette party called...

Allow me to introduce to you,

Hector El Fueg-whoa!

Go, go, go, go.

( flamenco music playing )

( grunting )

( groaning )

- Ahh! - ( shrieking )

Can you feel it, can you feel it?!

Give him the tushy, give him the tushy!

- Come on chiquitas. - Crushed!

( growling )

- That's it, son. - Get him, get him!

He's hot tonight, ladies.

Crotch rocket, baby.

You will like it!

Ride the pony, girls.

Hey, hey!

( screeching )

Oh!

Give 'em the sex.

( grunting )

After "the flamenco incident," as it came to be known,

we decided to stick with our core competencies.

... but you'll get used to him.

Oh, and remember,

anything he says, just go with it, okay?

Mr. Arnold?

We're here to clean your pool.

Stop right there, you son of a bitch!

( grunting )

No, no, no, no!

Mr. Arnold, please, stop!

Ahh...

Alex, I'm sorry, man, I didn't recognize you.

I'm really high on mushrooms.

- I'm sorry, Alex. - Cool.

Those chicks are hot, man.

They're really hot, man.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh...

Whoa.

Am I glad I got my new defibrillator

after my last heart attack.

I'm just kidding, I'm kidding.

I'm healthier than I ever have been.

I swim three laps in that pool every day

whether I need it or not.

- Tom Arnold. - Clarissa.

- Clarissa. - Trish.

Trish.

- You guys are a couple, right? - Yes.

Yeah, well, I couldn't want to get your names wrong

in the heat of the battle.

I'm gonna show you my very own Golden Globe.

I've almost got Roseanne's name completely scratched off of it.

( glasses clinking )

To us.

How magical.

Another prom night to remember.

Shall I fetch the children's menu?

- Joon? - Lin!

( laughing )

( speaking foreign language )

Girl!

( speaking foreign language )

I'll bring you a nice bottle of Dom.

All right, Lin, yes!

Dude, I thought you were, like, Cuban or something.

Damas y caballeros.

Con permiso.

Excuse me.

There is a flower that needs to be attended.

He is a gardener.

A rose for a rose.

Buenas noches, Señora Ashmore.

Hector, what a pleasant surprise.

A beautiful woman shouldn't be alone.

Will you join me for dinner tonight?

Oh, I would love to.

This place is really nice, but I prefer Olive Garden.

- Olive Garden! - Yeah!

La cuenta, cabrón!

- Thank you. - For what?

You're actually one of the best friends I've ever had.

Then thank you.

Although...

What?

Never mind.

it's just that, you know, best friends,

it's usually not...

You know what I mean.

Yeah.

Hey.

Don't knock friendship.

Finding someone you care about who cares about you,

that's the hard part.

Okay, maybe Alex had other things on his mind.

His big interview for the Westinghouse Scholarship

was the next day,

so while everyone was sleeping off their hangovers,

we made the downstairs look legit and professional.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, he's here!

Oh, my God, he's here!

Let him in and act like a pro!

Not like a pro, like a secretary!

Shit.

- All right, ready? - Yeah.

Hello, sir, and welcome to your...

And just when I thought things were going perfect.

Roger?

What the hell are you doing here... in my suit?

Oh, my God, is that my Prada?

- it looks so good on you. - Thank you.

Caitlin, please.

Bethany, go to your room.

( blowing raspberry )

Will you do something?

Tucker's gonna be here any second!

Roger.

Mr. Stenson.

What the hell is going on here?

( laughing )

There is a...

We are here and we saw...

You're not supposed to be home yet.

Well, Bethany didn't like France.

They were all ruder than she was.

I can see that.

( Bethany screaming )

Bethany!

I'm sure she's fine.

( Bethany screaming )

Daddy, Daddy!

Oh, my God, Daddy, look what they did!

( screaming )

Bethany!

Oh!

They turned him into a girl!

Sir, without a penis, it was really just a matter of time.

They broke my tea set, bent my baton

and they used my Easy Oven!

You-- you didn't eat one of those brownies, did you?

I can eat whatever I want!

it's my oven and it's my room and it's my...

my... my...

I could so eat the fuck out of a milk shake right now.

Let's leave your daddy alone.

You're pretty.

Okay, Mr. Stenson.

Sir, we apologize, but...

I think there's something that we could probably work--

Save your breath, kid.

So, considering that you stole my clothes,

you turned my home into a whorehouse,

I have one question for you.

- How much you make here? - What are you talking about?

Spare me, Sperling.

I'm an asshole, not an idiot.

These girls are hookers, huh?

- Hey. - You're a hooker, right?

( laughing )

Hey!

- They prefer "escorts." - Oh, really?

How much did you make?

if I were a couple of stoner idiots running a brothel,

where would I hide my stash, I have to ask myself, huh?

So...

Oh, yeah, getting warm, getting warmer, huh?

I'm hot-- ooh, I'm on fire.

Oh, yeah, I'm right on the money.

Shit.

What do we got here?

Let's see here.

Oh, the mother lode.

( chuckling )

Now, I'm a businessman,

so I'm gonna give you a choice.

Option one: I call the cops, you go to jail.

Option two: you hand over whatever you made to me.

We can call it rent.

( doorbell ringing )

Excuse me.

I'm not sure I have the right house.

I'm looking for Alex Sperling?

Yes.

Hello, I'm Alex Sperling.

Donovan Tucker, Westington Scholarship Committee.

Absolutely.

This doesn't taste like cherries.

is she okay?

Sorry, sir, the whorehouse is closed.

Whorehouse?

I think you misunderstood.

I'm from the Westington Scholarship

for Business Leadership.

I have an interview with Alex here.

Oh, we gotta talk.

And that was the end of Alex's scholarship interview.

I am-- I'm so sorry, you guys.

Why?

I'm not.

Come on, who needs that guy and his scholarship?

You know, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

That's Nietzsche, right?

Nietzsche died syphilitic and insane.

Well, I'm just saying, this could be a good thing.

Who wants to get on that treadmill

with those fucked-up robots anyway?

That's what you said, right?

- You don't mean that. - Yeah, I do.

Come on, we've still got the clients and the girls.

Alex, I don't think you fully understand

what just happened here.

This is your life-- Harvard, your future, everything.

Oh, come on, Laura.

Hey, give her time, let her go.

Well, what's she so upset about, man?

I mean, this is the life of fun and freedom, right?

Not Harvard.

You think this is freedom?

Freedom is graduating college

and having your pick of careers, right?

it's income and respect

and choices-- choices, dude, that's freedom.

And this, this is bullshit.

Look, I can scrounge together some money

to get you a ticket back--

Why the fuck should I listen to you?

You've been lying to me for years

and the fact of the matter is

is that if you would have been man enough to admit

that you were a pool boy

I'd probably never be out here in the first place,

because I sure as hell

would never spend my entire summer with a loser!

Leave the homeless man alone.

Hey, it's my guardian angel!

What the heck are you doing here, man?

Come here, give me some love, bro.

So good to see you, man.

Hey, guess what?

I learned Mexican.

I gotta tell you, man.

Getting booted out of that shit-hole apartment,

best thing that ever happened to me.

Really?

Yeah, I left town and went and lived a little bit

and I just cleared the biggest deal

- of my life down in Oaxaca. - Congratulations.

And it is all thanks to you, man.

This guy is a lifesaver!

No, seriously, man.

Everybody had written old Eddie off, but you saved me,

'cause you gave me the best advice of my life.

Really, what was that?

You said, "Snap out of it!"

And I was like, fuck, man!

This little bird here is right.

I gotta grow a pair and man up my own shit, you know?

Just because you're at the bottom, doesn't mean

- you're out, right? - Sure.

if you were at the bottom, you know which way you're swimming,

- you know what I'm saying? - What?

Right, puppies?

Hey, I'm gonna go get strip-searched.

Buenos tacos, man!

What's up, fellas, how you doing?

He's a good kid, you know.

I mean, he's good-looking and he's smart.

He's better off than both of us put together.

- You must be very proud. - Thanks, Brad.

I don't know if it's proud, really.

Jealous is more like it.

- I knew you'd be here. - Speak of the devil.

What, did you come back to insult me some more?

No.

I apologize, okay?

I was a real asshole.

Wow, all right.

Apology accepted.

So what's up, you need air fare?

No, no.

I'm not going back to Michigan with my tail between my legs.

I was thinking, if we get all the girls together,

if we get all the clients together,

we could make a lot of money.

- You think so? - Yeah.

You know, one good party,

we could make three or four Harvard tuitions.

You know what you could do?

You could make...

two full tuitions and, like, killer housing, with books.

Why would we need two?

Look, they always said to me,

when you're ready to come back, come back.

And I'm thinking... I'm ready.

- Are you serious? - Yes.

This is great, that's great.

One good party then.

One big fucking bash.

- All right. - All right?

Yes, let's do it.

Hi.

So we came up with a plan to get our money back,

but we're gonna need your help.

Don't panic.

it's like my good friend Aristotle once said.

He said, "in the arena of life, it is..."

♪ Look at me ♪

Fuck what that guy said.

♪ More than the blood in my veins ♪

♪ The scenery ♪

♪ is changing so fast... ♪♪

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

I have some experience with bad decisions

and I was upset that you weren't

taking your future seriously.

But you don't walk out on people you care about.

Even if they're being an idiot?

Especially if they're being an idiot.

Yeah, you used the wrong incentive, pal.

Yeah, I got that much.

So what's the plan?

I'm so excited!

We're gonna have champagne fountains and tiki torches

and I have the perfect caterer.

We used him for my husband's funeral.

God rest his soul.

♪ Me siento loco por tu amor ♪

My friends!

What are you doing here?

Honey, we're gonna have a party.

Like last night?

Yeah, but just with more people.

♪ Let the rain fall down on me ♪

♪ it feels so good ♪

♪ Feels so good ♪

♪ And let me take control of you ♪

♪ You know I could ♪

♪ You know I would... ♪

Hey, how's it going?

Good to see you.

Hello, ladies.

Have a good time.

Joon, thank you so much for coming.

I am at your service.

Okay.

Carry on, all right?

Hey, Eddie!

- Yo, Alex. - What are you doing here, man?

I thought you were in jail.

Bailed out this morning.

My dad's the biggest lawyer in LA.

Cool.

- Have fun, okay? - Drinks.

Hey, have fun, sir.

Hey!

Oh, get out of here.

You don't look so bad yourself.

Are you ready to start this party?

"Hell yeah.

Where do you want me to set up?"

Uh, out back?

Okay, good.

Good work, boys, thank you very much.

So you know sign language?

it's either that

or I just told our DJ to steal second base.

Well, not to be critical, but our DJ's deaf?

Beethoven was deaf every day of his life.

He rocked out.

Yeah, but he was smart and stuff.

Hey.

Good luck.

♪ Let the rain fall down on me ♪

♪ it feels so good ♪♪

Trish, there you are.

Someone said you were looking for me.

What's wrong, you okay?

Roger, Mr. Lewis passed out halfway through my session.

Do I charge him full price or half price?

No, double, charge him double.

Teach him a lesson.

Okay, good, there you go.

Mrs. Stenson, what are you here?

Are-- are you even 21 years old?

I know, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to crash your party,

but it sounded like so much fun.

Don't-- don't touch her.

Hey, cuz, what's up, man?

- This party's banging. - ¿Alex, Alex, donde estas?

¿Donde estas?

Hey, hey, hey, tut-tut-tut-tut-tut...

No, no, no, no, no, no, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta nada!

The basement is supposed to be the dungeon

and this one brought her first two guys down there.

( cell phone ringing )

Roger, answer this.

Hey, ladies, please, ladies!

Just, um...

Okay, how about you take the first

20 minutes in the dungeon, you take the second.

is 20 minutes good, pal?

That's bullshit!

Hey, Uncle Marty, what's going on?

What's all that noise?

Oh, just a little Harvard soiree.

A couple of the alumni boys and I thought

we'd send Alex off right.

Oh, it's a great idea.

is James Kellogg there?

You know, he runs the business school at Harvard

and he's in town giving a lecture.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's not here.

Bob Knuss there?

No.

Okay, well, look, don't tell Alex,

but Nancy and I have a long layover here in LA

and we're gonna come by and surprise you guys.

Mission accomplished.

Okay, we'll see you soon.

He can't wait.

What the hell are we gonna do?

I'm dead, I am dead.

Dude, did I tell your parents

that we were running a brothel?

Did I tell them that we were big ol' pimps?

Did I tell them anything other than the fact

that we were having a Harvard function?

We could totally do it.

Okay.

We can do this.

We have to do this.

Hello.

How's it going?

My name is Roger Sperling,

I'm one of your host/pimps for this evening.

First of all, I wanna say thank you all so much

for changing into your Harvard garb so quickly.

You all look fantastic and very stuck-up, so thank you for that.

A couple points I wanna talk about tonight.

it's essential that at any time

we are outside of the bang-bang rooms,

we maintain the Harvard persona,

'cause we don't want young Alex

to get busted by his parents, okay?

A couple talking points.

Your favorite class is Professor Dougal's

intro to Psych.

Everyone loves that class.

You always played lacrosse, squash

or ultimate Frisbee in the quad.

Any sport that takes no athletic ability whatsoever,

you played it.

And if you run out of anything to say,

just talk shit about Yale.

Got it?

I mean, it's genetic, it works every single time.

Okay, everyone good?

Uh... yeah.

Are we still gonna get laid?

That's a big fuck yeah.

( cheering )

- Just... - You look great.

Here, you've got...

They're here, they're here!

They're here!

What are you wearing?

That's not Harvard, that's Berkeley!

Get out, out, out!

All right, everyone, they are here.

Please look uptight, thank you.

There's a huge bulge in my throat.

Hi, honey!

- it's so good to see you. - Hey, Roger, great to see you.

- How you doing? - Hi!

You survived the wildebeests.

- Class of '06 or '07? - Oh, stop it.

Good to see you.

Well, this is quite a mixer, Alex.

I see you've made quite a few fans here in Los Angeles.

Oh, he certainly has.

Oh, Mom, Dad, this is Laura, my...

Girlfriend.

Yeah, my girlfriend.

Alex, you never said anything about a girlfriend.

- Hi. - Hi.

Well, what a radiant young lady.

I hope you're keeping Alex on the straight and narrow.

Actually, it's more the other way around.

Hello, party people!

Jimmy's here, flushed with dough and ready to roll!

Fire me up some poontang if you'd be so kind, my good man.

Hey, guys, look, it's Brother Jimmy.

Brother Jimmy, yeah!

Fire me up!

I'll get you another glass of poontang from the bartender.

Ooh, I'll have some poontang.

Remember, honey?

Oh, you couldn't get enough of it in St. Barts.

it's like sangria, only pinker.

The minute it touches your tongue,

you get that warm and fuzzy feeling.

if anyone would like a taste, I'd be happy to share mine.

I'm sure there's enough poontang

to go around, sweetheart.

Listen, Alex, I have invited some more of my alums,

I hope you don't mind.

No, Dad, that's be great.

Excuse me, is this the Harvard party?

Does a Yaley suck the cock?

( laughing )

He certainly does, oh, yes.

Oh, mercy.

You certainly nailed them.

( laughing )

James Kellogg, Dean of Harvard Business, '69.

Eddie Hettinger, missionary.

How noble.

- is this your-- your wife? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

This is the missus.

We met in Professor Dougal's intro to Psych class.

Oh, Dougal!

That fat bastard failed me twice.

( siren blaring )

All right.

Keep this parked out front.

if you put one scratch on that,

I'm having you deported back to whatever third-world shit hole

you come from, brother.

I'm-- I'm from New Jersey.

Sorry.

Still-- still got family back there?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, God.

Listen...

maybe this'll help buy some of them their freedom,

at least the women and children.

Take it.

Don't be proud.

Party!

( Eddie chuckling )

Kinky.

Jamie K, answer me this, bro.

When a Smurf goes without having sex for a long time...

what color do his balls turn?

You know, I spend all day around the cream of the crop

of grad students.

That is the deepest, the most penetrating observation

I've heard in years.

Really?

'Cause my mom thinks I'm a slacker.

- No, fuck that bitch. - Seriously!

Do you know that I am the dean,

the dean of the Harvard Business School.

You want to go?

- Do you? - Sure.

You're in!

( laughing )

Do you have any peyote?

They asked me, how do I become a big star like you?

And I say, "You can take acting lessons,

"but that's a waste of money,

'cause I never took 'em and look at me."

What I suggest you two do,

make a little video, home video, have some nudity.

I have a MySpace page under Hugh Munguspenis, that's me.

Send it to me,

- and I'll check it out. - Hey, Tom, Mr. Arnold,

I'd like you to meet someone.

Excuse me.

Well, well, well.

What a finely aged piece of meat we have here.

I beg your pardon?

I'm Tom Arnold.

- Tom, that's my mother. - Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm, come here.

( whispering )

Um, you know what?

That's a little sick.

I'm not one to judge.

You don't have to whore-out your mom,

not at least until midnight.

She's here for the Harvard mixer.

The Harvard mixer?

- What the hell's that? - it's...

a-- a covert operation.

Everyone's on a need-to-know basis.

Okay.

But keep me better informed, all right?

Don't make me look stupid!

Come on!

Mom, Mr. Arnold here is actually rehearsing

for a movie role.

isn't that right, Tom?

No.

No, Mr. Arnold does not rehearse for film roles.

Mr. Arnold becomes his film roles.

if you saw my episode of "Beyond the Actor's Studio,"

or whatever the fuck it's called,

you'd know that I didn't just play Stanley Stupid,

I became Stanley Stupid.

- Howdy, Private. - Hey, Frank.

Whoa, Frank, what the hell are you doing, man?

I just lost at poker.

You're playing strip poker at a Harvard party?

Strip poker?

That would have been fun.

You wouldn't wanna play, would you?

No, no, no, no, no, no, I don't wanna play.

Just cover it up, okay?

Fine.

So the story I heard was that she could still say

she's a virgin 'cause she's only taken it up the butt.

Something she worked out with her father, you know, and...

So tell me, does the carpet match the drapes?

Don't tell me, don't tell me.

I hope you have carpet.

I mean, it's okay if you don't,

but a lot of the young gals these days,

they got none and I miss it.

I miss carpet.

Would you please excuse me, Mr. Arnold?

I really need to get some more poontang.

You know, you could have told me that up-front?

Hey, Alex, some lady was looking for you.

What lady, Eddie?

Older...

medium herring...

smell like peaches.

My mom?

No, no, no, no, my mom's with Tom Arnold!

- No, no, no... - Stroke it, stroke it!

- Whoa, hey, Tom! - What, what?

Tom, what did you do with my mother?

Nothing, man, she's a fucking dyke.

Hey, where did she go, where did my mother go?

I'm guessing she went down.

You mean down to the dungeon?

Whatever they call it, the furry cave.

I don't know what it's called.

Get him, hit him!

Yes, good job, kick his ass!

( all yelling )

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

( all shouting )

Jesus Palomino!

Ahh!

Hey, guys!

Hey, everybody!

There's a unicorn fighting a gimp in the basement!

( record scratching )

Let's go!

( cheers and applause )

Hey, no, hey!

Hey!

What are you doing?

Get off of each other!

Get money, get money, get money.

Hey, knock that shit off!

Yeah, try it, try it, try it, you bitch!

Come on, you little bitch.

You feeling horny, kid?

Whoa!

Unicorn guy!

Knock the shit off!

All right, get your money out, everyone!

Get your money out!

$2,000 on Alex!

I'll take that action!

- Are you crazy? - What?

You can do it, my son.

As my father used to say to me...

Yeah.

What does that mean?

it really doesn't translate.

Okay, good talk.

Meet the devil.

Huh, come on!

Hey, everyone time out!

Come on, bring it on.

Bring it on!

( all cheering )

Sweep the hoof!

Come on, I said bring it on, where is he?

- Come on! - ( barking )

Fist me.

Oh, that's supposed to scare me?

He is calling his shot!

Roger: This probably wasn't the best decision of Alex' life,

not with dear old Mom and Dad upstairs.

( whinnying )

Oh, my!

( cheering )

Yeah, whoo!

( all cheering )

Yeah!

And now, the winner...

by fisting in the fuzz...

the victor, the one, the only...

Alex!

What the hell is going on in here?

Buzzkill.

Oh!

Howdy!

Shit!

Ouch.

Sorry I'm late for the sing-along.

Anyone know "Fair Harvard"?

♪ Fair Harvard ♪

♪ We join in thy Jubilee throng-- ♪♪

Zip it!

Alexander Hamilton Sperling,

I have never, in all my life,

been so humiliated by my own son!

Alex, I hope you have a good explanation for all this.

Yeah, I do, Dad.

Mom.

I'm a pimp.

What?

( laughing )

You-- you're a pimp?

He's-- he's putting us on.

Oh.

I mean, come on, Alex.

if you were a pimp, there would be prostitutes

and...

a dominatrix

and... sex toys

and...

and Tom Arnold would be here.

Oh, my God, you are a pimp.

Are you out of your fucking mind?!

Excuse me, folks.

This looks like one of those private family--

You stay!

Why are lesbians so angry?

Look, I can explain.

- You can explain! - Yes, I can explain.

Oh, I can't wait to hear this.

We'd all like to hear.

Anybody else have any plans?

I lost the Westington Scholarship.

Lost the Westington Scholarship?

So Roger and I started this escort service

but then the guy's house who we were using,

he extorted all of our earnings

and busted me to the scholarship committee,

so we threw this party to earn back our tuitions.

What do you mean "our tuitions"?

Yeah, Roger's a pool boy

and he dropped out of Harvard.

Yeah, but not in that order.

Whoa.

( laughing )

Okay, your mother's hysterical, are you happy, huh?

No... come on.

Nobody's hurt, the police didn't come and--

I've made a lot of mistakes,

but I take full responsibility for all of 'em.

isn't that what a Harvard man does, Uncle M.?

He's right.

Honey.

And you have enough tuition for both of you?

Oh, yeah.

This is a hell of a lot better than any other

Harvard party I've ever been to.

I guess I'll buy you another poontang.

Drinks are on me.

( all cheering )

♪ Take your money take your money ♪

♪ Take your money and get on the dance floor ♪♪

Show me your boobies and get in the air!

- How you doing, muchacho man? - Great.

So you need anything, food, water?

No thanks, Hector.

I'm doing really well.

Hey, me too.

Or not.

All right, you two are a lovely couple.

Sperling, I wanna talk to you.

Bye.

I'm a little busy now.

You're gonna have to find somebody else to extort.

Screw you, Sperling, I'm looking for my wife.

- I know she's here somewhere. - Why, did her babysitter call?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, don't fuck with me, Sperling.

You're right, I apologize.

Man, I'm gonna show you the kind of respect

that you deserve.

Your wife is there.

- Marco! - Polo!

Hey, honey!

Get your Speedos, we're gonna play some volleyball.

( cell phone camera clicking )

I've been looking for something to put on my Christmas card.

Now, how much do you think it's gonna cost you to pay me

not to send that out to all of my clients?

Have you met Jimmy?

Hey, Jimmy Black, sir.

Your wife's got beautiful thighs.

You know...

Hey, Bethany!

Hi, Sweetie!

Aw...

- Bring it, Bethany! - Hey, Daddy, look!

We're jamming!

Would you take a check?

Actually, I prefer cash.

Unmarked, nonsequential and in a big sock.

Be right back.

Great.

So you're a pool boy?

Really more of a pool man.

- What's that pay? - Not as well as pimping.

Too soon for that?

A bit.

So, Alex, this whole furry-costume-fetish thing,

is that because we threw out all your stuffed animals?

What?

No, I'm not into that, I'm a virgin.

Oh, honey, we gotta fix that before you to go to college.

Bye.

Dad.

I still think Harvard's lucky to be getting you, son.

Thank you, sir.

Roger, I can't say the same for you.

Oh, I love you, too, Uncle M.

Hey, thanks for not calling the cops.

Good luck.

it really sucks this thing's coming to an end, right?

I mean, this thing is really going now.

We got something good here.

You know, I could take over.

Your girlfriend has, like, a billion dollars.

Yes, I know,

but I think it's important for me to have my own career.

Good night, my friends.

Good night, Joon.

Domo arigato.

Good night, Private.

What a handsome couple, huh?

Oh, shit!

That's a whole lot of ass he just grabbed.

Wait a second.

Am I the only one at the party not getting laid?

( whistling )

You are a naughty girl.

You talk to your mother with those hands?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna say good night.

Pimpin' ain't easy.

So the party's pretty much over.

I'm not a pimp anymore.

Which means your rules no longer apply?

Such as...

No sex with the girls.

♪ I know oh you said it... ♪

Roger: Holy shit, the kid finally got laid.

♪ I'm not your savior ♪

♪ I didn't die for you... ♪♪

Laura stocked enough money away

to quit the escort business forever.

She came out to Boston and opened up her own day spa.

Alex and I, well, we started at Harvard.

it took a while, but we finally made it.

This is one of the finest institutions

of higher learning in the free world.

I mean, they don't let just anyone into this place.

Hey, guys!

- Thank God I found you. - Eddie?

Listen, Mather House is having a huge bash this Friday,

so we need some serious tail for that.

Also, I got tons of alum coming in

for the game this weekend

and I've been selling Viagra by the truckload,

so I'm gonna need like four or five escorts--

No, Eddie, we can't do that.

Damn right you can't.

What are you thinking, young man?

We need every girl you've got for the faculty mixer.

Oh, let's make a shopping list.

You know, they may actually have something there.

You think?

I'm just saying.

Got a rich environment.

Look around, Roger.

Our girls would make a fortune here.

Y'know, Alex, Alex, seriously, I was kidding...

it wasn't a bad idea.

I mean, there's money in Beverly Hills,

but there's old money in Boston.

With Alex business sense, my people skills

and Laura's girls, I figured we could make a mint.

I know it was risky in the legal,

but sometimes you just have to ask yourself,

what would Jesus do?

♪ What up yo? ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Gonna get high so we don't stay low ♪

♪ Nothing matters even if it did ♪

♪ Look out man don't give a damn ♪

♪ I know this life like the back of my hand ♪

♪ Nothing matters even if it did ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪

♪ I've got a buddy who works at a video store ♪

♪ He used to put the new releases by the back door ♪

♪ Yeah I'd burn a couple copies and trade 'em for pot ♪

♪ Until I got caught ♪

♪ So what? ♪

♪ What up yo? ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Gonna get high so we don't stay low ♪

♪ Nothing matters even if it did ♪

♪ Look out man don't give a damn ♪

♪ I know this life like the back of my hand ♪

♪ Nothing matters even if it did ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ What up yo? ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Gonna get high so we don't stay low ♪

♪ Nothing matters even if it did ♪

♪ Look out man don't give a damn ♪

♪ I know this life like the back of my hand ♪

♪ Nothing matters even if it did ♪

♪ Gonna shout it out gonna take the blame ♪

♪ Gonna make the least of every day ♪

♪ Nothing matters even if it did ♪

♪ it's all a joke it's all the same ♪

♪ You're stuck it in no matter what you say ♪

♪ Nothing matters even if it did ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Nothing matters even if it did ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ Nothing matters ♪

♪ Even if it did ♪

♪ I got fired from a Burger King ♪

♪ For suckin' helium out of a soft-serve machine ♪

♪ I've got a friend at the video store ♪

♪ Put the new releases by the back door ♪

♪ Oh hey ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪♪

♪ I'm gonna party like a rock star ♪

♪ Hit a bunch of strip bars ♪

♪ Wake up naked in a hotel room ♪

♪ Throw my TV out the window ♪

♪ Smoke a bunch of indo ♪

♪ Anything to get my mind off of you ♪

♪ Find a telephone pole to wrap around my car ♪

♪ And party like a rock star ♪

♪ After all the nights we spent ♪

♪ Cuddling on the couch ♪

♪ And all the parties I passed up ♪

♪ Because you didn't feel like going out ♪

♪ I guarantee you Steven Tyler ♪

♪ Didn't put up with crap like this ♪

♪ So tonight I'm making up ♪

♪ For what I missed ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ I'm gonna party like a rock star ♪

♪ Hit a bunch of strip bars ♪

♪ Wake up naked in a hotel room ♪

♪ Throw my TV out the window ♪

♪ Smoke a bunch of indo ♪

♪ Anything to get my mind off of you ♪

♪ Find a telephone pole to wrap around my car ♪

♪ And party like a rock star ♪

♪ Hoo ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Ugh ♪

♪ And the more I think about it ♪

♪ The less it hurts inside ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight I'm wanted dead ♪

♪ Or alive ♪

♪ I'm gonna party like a rock star ♪

♪ Hit a bunch of strip bars ♪

♪ Wake up naked in a hotel room ♪

♪ Throw my TV out the window ♪

♪ Smoke a bunch of indo ♪

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