All language subtitles for The Man From Uncle - 3x27 - The Apple a Day Affair-eng

You know, son, you remind
me of a relative back home.

- Your uncle?
- Yep.

- Uncle Waverly?
- That's the one, all right.

Now, my predicament is I'm
mite short of bus fare back home.

- How short?
- About $1500.

Well, how about a
magazine to read in the bus?

Oh, I ain't here
for no magazines.

They told me I'd get 1500.

These magazines have a...

A lot of pictures.

I don't suppose you'd care to
take off your nose and stay a while.

I think that clever little
man just sold us his lunch.

Well, he knew all
the countersigns.

He knows how to sell apples.

I hope Mr. Waverly knows what this
is all about because I don't understa...

We have company.

And I'll take that
one too, please.

Certainly. Uh...

Give the man his
apple, Napoleon.

It is a real apple, then?

It is indeed.

Though I'll hardly
recommend you eating them.

Well, I'm quite sure I'll
never eat an apple again.

Look at this, gentlemen.

What do you see?

Spectrograph.

Come now, Mr. Solo, we
can be more specific than that.

It looks like an
organic compound.

Six carbons, perhaps a benzene
ring with several attached radicals.

Commendable, Mr. Kuryakin.

And the compound you've described
is known by the common name of...

Apple juice.

Recognize it, Mr. Solo?

Uh, well...

Recognize this one, gentlemen?

Apple juice?

Well, not quite.

You'll notice the addition
of a nitrate band...

and a broadening of
the hydroxide group.

A nitrogen polymer.

Correct again, Mr. Kuryakin.

Tribenzol nitrate.

In lay terms, Mr. Solo, Thrush has added
a new ingredient to the common apple.

Such a reaction is impossible without
the energy provided by a cyclotron.

Precisely, therefore, gentlemen,
your mission is twofold.

Find the apples that are being
turned into weapons of destruction...

and the cyclotron that
accomplished that task.

Uh, why has Thrush
gone to all this trouble?

Thrush intends to use this explosive
to detonate a nuclear stockpile.

- When?
- Very soon.

- That, we're quite certain.
- Where?

Ah. That we do not know.

Well, you can't very well
keep ordinary apples...

out of every nuclear
complex in the world.

You're right once
again, Mr. Kuryakin.

- Where do we begin?
- Purple Valley.

- How do you know that?
- Elementary, my dear Kuryakin.

This is what the
apple was wrapped in.

And where is Purple Valley?

In an area some people
describe, rather crudely, I'm afraid...

as hillbilly country.

- Sheriff Skully.
- Yes, sir?

Sheriff Skully, how riled up do you figure
I'd get if I found one of my hands...

stealing some of them apples?

The special fancy apples.

Mighty riled. Mighty riled.

And what do you figure
I'd do if I caught him...

selling them to
U.N.C.L.E., Sheriff Skully?

Horsewhip him. That's
what I'd do, Colonel Picks.

Well, that sounds
right reasonable, but...

I look at this poor
traveling critter here.

I don't think his constitution will
stand up to that kind of punishment.

Maybe he needs
a little exercise.

Not a bad idea.

How fast you figure
you can run, boy?

Go ahead, run.

"Welcome to beautiful
Purple Valley."

I have a feeling we're not going to dispose
of too many encyclopedias around here.

Now, that's not a proper attitude
for our gold-star salesman.

- Bumpy road.
- Very.

All right, Skully, I think that
poacher's had enough of a head start...

to make it a
sporting proposition.

What does the manual
say about moving a burro?

Don't push from behind.

What are you doing?

I was merely going to
frighten the beast off.

Well, don't frighten
the beast off.

You'll have every cop in the
whole countryside on our neck.

That mule's eating her dailies.

Oh, is that what that is?

I'd take it, uh, he's
not doing it right.

You city fellers.

Come on, come on,
baby. Come on, come on.

Come on, that's it, come
on. Come on, baby, come on.

Well, now, I guess you boys are
obliged to give me a ride into town.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Napoleon, I know
you have a need, but...

She can show us the way.

I have a map. SOLO: Good.

You use the map.

Well, now, that's mighty
neighborly of y'all. I'm Nina Lillette.

I'm Napoleon Solo
and this is Illya Kuryakin.

My, what funny names y'all
have. Can't be from around here.

We're from up north.

Traveling salesmen?

Uh, yes, in a way.

Y'all know something?

I've heard stories about
traveling salesmen.

But in all my born days,
ain't never met none yet.

There aren't too many
of us around anymore.

Say, wait a minute, y'all
ain't revenue agents?

- No, no, no.
- Well, that's good.

Because two years ago, come spring,
two revenuers come through here...

and bust up nearly 200 stills
before they's caught on to.

Said they was
encyclopedia salesmen.

Daddy Jo, that's my grandpappy.

He never did tell me
what they did to them.

Said it weren't for an
innocent girl's ears.

What is this, a game preserve?

I think them hounds
is after somebody.

And who be you, stranger boys?

We're salesmen.

Yeah? What you selling?

- Fertiliz...
- Chemicals.

Chemical fertilizer.

You from up north, ain't you?

I guess you could
tell by our accents.

Now you just get right back in that vehicle
and get as far from here as you can.

Daddy Jo ain't gonna
appreciate this, Miss Nina.

Who is your friend?

Oh, that's Sheriff Skully.

He's the second-most
hateful man in the valley.

Sec...? Who's the first?

His boss, Colonel Picks.

Who's Colonel Picks?

Don't you boys know nothing?

Colonel Picks owns the
biggest apple orchard...

in these here parts.

Well, thank you.

Well, I got some bad
news for you, colonel.

That puny little apple
poacher up and died on us.

Oh, that's mighty
inconsiderate of him.

We got at least a hundred
bushel of apples to get down.

- And we ship tonight.
- Tonight?

Well, I gotta have a few more hands.
I better send that truck into Picksville.

You do that, Skully.

I saw an innocent thing
on the way down here.

Couple of bright-looking
stranger boys.

Oh, do tell. Big-city
boys, were they?

Well, they sure looked like
it. Said they were salesmen.

Salesmen, huh?

Yeah, I don't know about that.

Well, I told them to
hightail it out of these parts.

I did right, huh?

No, you didn't do right, Skully.

I wanna talk to them fellas.
Now you go fetch them for me.

All right.

Picksville, named
for Colonel Picks?

Sure, he owns everything
in town. Almost everybody.

Uh-oh.

That wouldn't be
your grandfather?

Sure is.

Grandpa don't take to
me riding with strangers.

Men strangers, that is.

He thinks they only got
one thing on their minds.

You know.

Well, Napoleon's
not like that at all.

I know. Neither one of you
boys made a pass at me.

Are you sure you're
traveling salesmen?

- Howdy.
- Get out of there, gal.

We were just giving
your granddaughter a lift.

We're salesmen.

Chemical fertilizers.

My advice to you slickers is get on
with whatever your selling and then get.

That seems to be their
favorite word around here, "get."

- Mm.
- Thanks for the ride.

Mm-hm.

We don't hold to no strangers traveling
through here and messing up our women.

We just gave your
granddaughter a lift, sir.

Well, I'll give you a lift
with two pound of lead shot.

Come on, gal.

And remember, I warned you.

She's not your type anyway.

I guess I'll never have
a chance to find out.

Look.

"Hands needed immediately."
What do you think?

"Top rates." Can't
afford to pass that up.

We can't both go.

Tails.

Heads.

Who knows? This may open
up a whole new career for you.

Mm.

You might have your
own orchard someday.

Well, you city folk never
do appreciate the good life.

You better get going. You're
going to miss the boat, slim.

How much we make?

Eight dollars, just
for the rest of the day.

Open Channel D.

Hello, son. Welcome
to Picks' Orchard.

Come in, Illya. Illya.

Open Channel D, emergency relay.

Go ahead, Mr. Solo.

I just received a communication from Illya
but it was cut off before I could answer.

Where is he?

At Picks' Orchard
in Purple Valley.

Hm.

Then it's just possibly he's
found what you're looking for.

We've just received information
those explosives will be shipped tonight.

- Tonight?
- Yes.

You better get out
there immediately.

Hold it there, boy.

I thought you'd be miles
away from here by now, boy.

Well, I haven't
filled my quota yet.

Chemical fertilizer?

Right. Soilarama, the
best fertilizer in the world.

Come on, follow
me. I'm taking you in.

- For what?
- Speeding.

Speeding?

Why, you were streaking
down this county highway...

like a raccoon in a forest fire.

I clocked you at
60 mile an hour.

Well, that's not possible.

Now don't you come
on surly with me, city boy.

You're in enough
trouble already.

Well, aren't there other
law officers in this valley?

Sure, boy, and I'm taking
you to the magistrate right now.

We do everything real
legal here in this county.

Let's go.

Man. Man, them's real apples.

Notice how juice come oozing
out when you slice them up.

Well, that's real good eating.

And I don't blame folks
for snooping around.

They wanna find out how
them apples is growed.

Right, boy?

What's the matter, boy?

Cat got your tongue?

Maybe you ought to
have a nice piece of apple.

Might loosen up your
tongue a bit, huh?

You got real bad
manners for a city boy.

Refusing an offering
from your host.

Now, careful now, boy.

I wouldn't want you
to cut your tongue.

Now that you accepted
my hospitality...

maybe you'd let me
into your confidence.

What are you doing
on my property?

Well, I did have a good job
in town in a luggage factory.

It was all indoor
work and living.

I wanted to get out and breathe
free under the open skies.

Well, that kind of smart-aleck talking
ain't gonna do you any good, boy.

Now, we're not just a bunch
of ignorant hill people here.

What can I do to
convince you of that? Hm?

Are you ticklish, boy?

Or maybe a little tickling will
loosen you up a mite, huh?

Oh, I once tried to tickle a
man on the end of his nose...

but my aim ain't too good.

Plucked his eyeball
plumb out of his head.

Oh, I'm sorry to make you wait,
son, but I got some pressing business.

But don't you fret. We'll
continue in just a spell.

I hate to remind you, gents,
but this is a rented jeep.

This here's Colonel Picks. He's
the owner of the Picks' Orchard.

Oh. I thought I was going
to see the magistrate.

I'm also the magistrate.

Oh. Well, we've killed
two birds with one stone...

if you'll excuse the expression.

Boy, you're standing
on my property.

I reckon you better be pretty quick
about telling me what you're doing here.

Well, on my way down here,
I took a look at your, uh...

Your apples. And they're
getting kind of yellow.

I hate to tell you, Colonel Picks,
but you've got zinc-poor soil.

Let me introduce you to the
best friend a man's soil ever had.

Soilarama.

Contains the minimum daily
requirements for blooming apples.

Our motto is, "Put zinc in your
soil, and red in your apples."

No, I want him
alive. Now come on.

Guy, turn the dogs loose on him.

We'll let the dogs
run him for a while.

That'll take some of
the starch out of him.

Okay, son, I want some
answers, and I want them fast.

How about it, son,
you ready to talk?

How about it, boy?
You ready to talk now?

Get away. Scat, scat.

Scat, scat. Get out, get out.

Well, I'm glad you
were friendly with them.

They wouldn't even listen to me.

Shoot, them hounds? I known
them since they was little pups.

They was pretty good pups too,
till Colonel Picks got ahold of them.

I'm beginning to share
your dislike for Colonel Picks.

Oh, really? Well, that kind of
makes us friends, don't it, Mr. Solo?

Well, I guess so, yeah.

I mean, if that old
Colonel Picks is after you...

you must be a pretty
good fellow. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, gosh, look what those
critters done to your nice new suit.

Well, that's okay. It's
almost a month old.

Well, listen, y'all come home
with me and I'll patch you all up.

No, no, no, I appreciate
it. I'll be all right.

Well, I ain't gonna bite you.

All I wanna do is
patch up your clothes.

I'm pretty good at sewing.

I'm sure you are, I'd
like to take you up on it.

But I've got something to do.

Mr. Solo, if I was to leave you
here alone in these woods...

them hounds will be
right back at your throat.

Okay, you talked me into it.

I've never seen a boy
as stubborn as you.

Why didn't you talk to the man?

Stand up, son. I brought you
some company. Get over there.

Get that rope.

You know what to do.

Now pull.

Pull hard!

Well, at least we have light.

For as long as it lasts.

My name's Illya.

Gardner. Gardner Brown.

Did you have a falling
out with the colonel too?

All I did was take a
couple of lumps of coal.

From in here?

If you look far enough, you could
still find a few pieces laying about.

Well, seems like the colonel
is very touchy about a little coal.

They said I was spying on them.

Was there anything else
in this cave besides coal?

Coal is the only
thing I ever took.

But did you see anything
that you shouldn't?

They asked me if I knew
something about the big room.

That's a place with a lot
of machines and things...

but I don't know what
they're doing in there.

Well, could you
find it if you had to?

- I don't think I want to.
- But could you?

I don't matter. We'll never
get out of here anyway.

I'll bet you meet
a lot of interesting

people in the chemical
fertilizing business.

Lately it seems, yes.

Did you ever see two hogs kiss?

No. Nina, would
you, uh, please...?

They rub their snouts together.

- Oh.
- Well, that's kissing, ain't it?

- Yes, that's...
- Ha, ha!

Can you imagine
kissing a bristly old hog?

Well, I guess you have to
be a hog to really appreciate it.

I once had me a couple hogs
who'd rather kiss than eat.

You believe that?

Well, I certainly have no
reason to, uh, doubt you.

Well, I seen it with my
own eyes in the every day.

Them hogs kept getting
thinner and thinner.

Finally kissed themselves
right into the grave.

Gee, that's a shame...

Shucks, didn't bother us none.

By that time, we had a
whole barnyard full of hogs.

- Nina, would you please...?
- Oh, just keep your quilt on.

I'll bet you're wondering
if I'm a good kisser.

Nina, why don't you
concentrate on your work?

Well, ain't you curious?

Well, actually, I'm
more in a hurry.

Y'all kiss me
now, you'll find out.

Okay, uh...

After you finish.

Now. I think I already
earned one kiss.

All right, I'll...

No, come on.

Hey, there.

Why you tight-pantsed,
hot-lipped Casanova.

Caught you
red-handed this time, eh?

I know it's something of a cliché, Daddy
Jo, but things are not always as they seem.

Oh, you honey-tongued
city slicker.

Coming to this here valley and
getting my Nina all worked up?

Daddy Jo, I ain't all worked up.

Ah.

What line of work
are you in, son?

Uh, he's in chemical
fertilizing, Daddy Jo.

It's very unsteady
work. Seasonal.

Helen, get Eugene for me.

Chemical fertilizer ain't
exactly my cup of tea.

But, by jiminy, you're the last
traveling man who's gonna...

Eugene? Yeah, this is Jojo.

Get right over here
with your marrying book.

Nina got herself a live one.

I think it's loosening.

If we get out of here...

You really wanna
go to the big room?

It's what I'm here for.

Are they making
moonshine in there?

Ha, ha. I am not
a revenue agent.

Well, I'm glad of that.

Ain't nobody in these hills
that take kindly to revenuers.

What I'm after is much
more powerful than alcohol.

I didn't know there was anything
more powerful than alcohol.

I'm after something that's powerful
enough to set off World War Ill.

Well, if I were you, I
wouldn't drink any of that at all.

All right, on three.

One, two, three.

Hold it, hold it. Coming down.

Come on, are you ready?

Maybe we can dig our way out.

No, there's no time.
There isn't enough air.

A beam in the floor?

There must be a
tunnel underneath.

Well, let's find out, shall we?

All right.

Upsy-dowsy.

One.

Okay, I'll try to
explain once more now.

Illya and I are U.N.C.L.E. agents
and we're trying to find a plant...

that turns apples
into high explosives.

Wowee. Hee-hee.

I told some pretty
tall ones in my time.

But that there is the
craziest tale I ever did hear.

Having you for a
grandson-in-law ain't too proud.

But sure gonna be a heap of fun.

All right, I won't waste my
time explaining anymore.

I've gotta be going now.

I wouldn't try that, son.

- Hey, I ain't through with those yet.
- Oh, that's all right.

Thanks for what
you've done anyway.

You ain't gonna get
very far in that quilt.

Or are you figuring on
going in your birthday suit?

Which is the way
to the big room?

- Uh-uh.
- What's the matter?

I'm not going and you
can't go without me.

- It's very important I go there, Gardner.
- To you, not to me.

I got a wife and family,
and they're important to me.

Let's get out of here and
break loose from each other.

And then you can go back alone.

Listen, I have a very good reason
for wanting you to go, Gardner.

It's an explosive, and if they
use it, a lot of wives and families...

are gonna get hurt.

And who's gonna use it?

Colonel Picks.

Come on, let's go.

We're still at least two
hours behind schedule.

I'm working them hard.
- Work them harder.

The truck has to be
on the road by 9:30.

Well, what's the difference if
we're a couple of cases short?

That explosive has
been measured and fixed.

It's up to you to furnish
every last pound.

Well, I'll try.

You'll do better than try.

Don't move.

Prisoners are escaping.

Hey.

Hold it.

Hurry up, Illya.

The U.N.C.L.E. agent's escaping.

Well, don't just stand there,
you fool. Sound the alarm.

Ah, come on, now. Come on.

Come on, guys, come on.

Come on, guys. Come on, come on.

Don't worry, they ain't gonna
get away from them dogs.

And there ain't nowhere
to hide in them woods.

Unless one of our hill
people takes them in.

Guy, spread the word that
them strangers is revenuers.

Follow them, make
sure they're finished off.

Right.

Hey.

Let's get rid of these.

Come on, again.

I don't think we're
gonna make it.

We're gonna make it.

Mm, mm.

Them hog jowls smell good.

One thing I can say about
Nina. She ain't very bright...

but she can cook and sew.

And that's more than I
can say for her grandma.

Nina, I think I'll have a
sample of them jowls.

I got you in an
awful mess, didn't I?

It wasn't your fault.

You're mixed up in something
awfully important, aren't you?

You're after that
nasty old Colonel Picks.

Yeah, and I've
gotta get out of here.

Fully clothed.

Don't you just
like me a little bit?

I like you a lot.

But I need my clothes.

I'll get them for you.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I like you even more now.

I'm glad.

As a matter of fact...

after this is all over...

I'll prove it to you.

Gee, I can't hardly wait.

Okay, I've got it on now.

Now, as soon as I make my move
for the door, you drop to the floor.

Just in case.

Okay.

All dressed there, young fella?

Yep. All dressed.

Good, because
here's the preacher.

Now they can't
but be around here.

They didn't disappear.

I think we lost them back there.

Come on, let's go.

Well, once more should do it.

You know your way
back to the mines?

Yeah, it's about a
hundred yards that way.

Right.

There'll be some houses there.
The hill people will help you.

They hate the colonel almost
as much as they hate revenuers.

You'll be all right?

I know these swamps
better than the hound dogs.

Well, goodbye and good luck.

"And whomsoever hath
reason to cause these two...

not to be joined together..."

May I, uh, say something?

Why, you ought to be right happy
Nina's marrying a poor fella like you.

"Joined in holy wedlock,
let him speak now...

or forever hold his peace."

I'm certainly glad you
got here. Come on.

Come on.

"Speak now or
forever hold his peace."

- Speak, speak.
- Speak? I, uh...

Well, what's going on?

A wedding.

Any objections?

Let me tell you the
truth about this man.

- The truth?
- Out with it, boy, out with it.

I have to apologize for
my, uh, brother-in-law here.

The father of my
sister's nine children.

He does this all the time.

We have to keep our
eyes on him every minute.

My sister put him on a spice-free
diet, but it didn't seem to help.

Nine children?

Yeah, there's Robert,
and Eunice, and Edward...

A pack of lies. Nobody
these days has nine children.

These two is in cahoots.

On with the wedding.

Well, wait a minute, let me
see now, where was I? Oh.

"Speak now or
forever hold his peace."

What in tarnation is
going on out there?

Wait a minute.

Hey, Clem, what's going on?

Them strangers is revenuers.

Revenuers?

I'd sooner see my granddaughter
marry a hoss thief than a revenuer.

Come on, Jojo, help us find him.

Wait a minute.

- They're inside, them revenuers.
- Inside? Come on.

Out the back.

Get the dogs.

Y'all can come out now.

I don't know how we'll be
able to thank you for this, Nina.

Well, I couldn't just
let them string you up.

Even if I were a revenuer?

Even if you was a revenuer.

- We have to get back to the mine.
- Just a minute.

Y'all hurry, I know a
shortcut through the swamp.

Well, come on, I'll show you.

We'll have to work fast.
They're almost loaded.

Mm. Let's get on with it.

You stay here.

I thought I told you
to stay back there.

I... I wanna help too.

I hate that old Colonel
Picks just as much as you do.

Hey, sheriff, sheriff.

I got me a revenuer.

Hey, you! Stop
that, you big bully.

- Nina, Nina. NINA: Get
your hands off of him.

Thank you, Daddy Jo.
I was rooting for you.

All right. Take
them down the mine.

I'm sorry that y'all gonna
miss the fireworks tonight.

You might have proven
valuable to help pick up the pieces.

Will there be pieces to pick up?

Oh, sure, and the
people to pick them up.

Thrush agents all over the world have been
notified of the exact time of detonation.

I still don't understand how you
change the apples into explosives...

without the use of a cyclotron.

Mr. Kuryakin, you are actually
inside a natural cyclotron.

See, this room is situated...

between two rich
veins of iron oxide.

Magnetite.

It's natural magnet.

You said it, boy.

Natural magnet 7000 feet long.

And this room directly
between the opposite poles...

makes it the natural beneficiary
of 10 billion electron volts.

- All set to roll, colonel.
- Oh, good.

Well, my friends, I
must leave you now.

Sheriff Skully,
take care of them.

I've left you some of
our very special apples.

All right, shut everything down.

The colonel has left it up to me as
to, uh, just how to get rid of you folks.

Oh, now you needn't worry
because I'm not a violent man.

I'm gonna make it easy for you.

It's just gonna be
one big, quick flash.

And then it's gonna be all over.

About three minutes,
we'll be long gone by then.

Let's get out of here fast.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Well, one thing's for sure.

What's that?

Mr. Solo and his friend,
they ain't revenuers.

I still don't see how they
expected to get close enough...

to an atomic
stockpile to set it off.

They wouldn't have to
get closer than a few miles.

You see, Napoleon, the
principle of atomic fission.

You have a critical
mass of plutonium.

Then it's only necessary to use
an electrical triggering device...

Excuse me.

Yes?

There's a Miss
Lillette to see Mr. Solo.

Miss Lillette? Did you ask
a Miss Lillette to come here?

Uh, yes, I did.

Ask her to come in, please.

You asked her to come here?

Mm-hm.

Yeah, but she's not your
usual date for the big city.

I thought I might take
her to a hootenanny.

Ethnic music.

And I thought we might...

- Hi.
- Hi.

Gee, that's, uh, very nice.

Oh, thank you.

Nina, this is Mr. Waverly.

Oh, how you do?

Oh, I hope y'all didn't mind
me bringing Daddy Jo along.

I just love hootenannies.