Original subtitles

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-[announcer] Give it up for Liza Treyger! -[audience cheering]

["What I Want" by MUNA playing]

♪ I'm gonna take a shot ♪

♪ 'Cause that's just What I want, want, want

♪ What I want, want, want… ♪

Oh, yes. Hi!

[cheering continues]

Thanks.

All right, all right, all right. [laughs]

-Thank you for being here. Yay! -[cheering stops]

So happy you're all here. Okay, wow, it got quiet really fast.

[all laughing]

You were really loud and then… Wow. Uh, quick silence. Uh…

I guess we'll start off…

I just… This is like a litmus test for me. Just to make sure we're on the same page.

Um, is there anything worse

than when you find out someone you love loves the Lord?

-Ugh! -[audience laughs]

Nothing worse when you're at dinner with a friend

and then they slowly bow their head to pray,

and it's like, I've seen you eat pills off the floor.

What… What are you doing? [chuckles]

You told me you Eiffel-Towered someone with your cousin.

-Like, what? -[audience laughing]

When did you get so spiritual?

Pick up your chin, we're at a Popeyes. That's enough.

That's enough. Disrespectful to your God, honestly.

Uh… [laughs]

This is huge. It is really wild to, like, think

that people are gonna be watching this at home?

while also watching, like,

videos on their phone of rugs getting power-washed.

-You know, that's… -[audience laughing]

To compete with a rug is tough.

And you know what, 'cause we love it.

We love that fucking dirty water. [moans]

[laughs]

Do you think, um, your rug is like, "Wow, that looks nice."

"That looks so nice."

I wish… I wish I was, like, that clean. Um…

So, the fucked up thing,

everyone says that phones really divide us and isolate us,

but we're all watching the same things.

It's actually quite beautiful, right? Like, are you not…

You're all watching, um, videos of horse hooves getting cleaned out, right?

[audience laughing]

Yeah, it's sick.

As a child, if someone told you your one source of joy

will be watching a horse you don't know get its hoof cleaned, like…

It's wild, but we're satisfied. We love it.

[laughing] It's so good.

My favorite genre, I would say, of Internet video is, I love when…

I love watching women reuniting with lions from their past.

-That's… -[audience laughing]

That's my favorite.

You know, it's a zookeeper type of woman.

Um, there's the khaki, there's a low ponytail, and…

[audience laughs]

She's just so excited.

She's saved up for years and, like… Zookeepers don't get paid well.

And so, she finally gets to go see these lions again,

and she is just so fucking hopeful, pumped, excited.

And the lions are… They're lions. They don't know what's about to happen.

And so, the lions are hanging,

and the lion and the woman do eventually make eye contact,

and it is really beautiful. I'll be the lion, okay?

So, the lion's here, and then the lion's like…

"Bitch!" [screams]

"Is that you? Uh…" [laughs]

And then it's amazing, and the lion runs, um, but your nervous 'cause it's a lion.

But then…

It's so nice you learn powerful paw, gentle touch.

-[audience laughs] -And…

Oh, yeah. Like… Men are like, "What do women want?"

Th-- This. That's what we want.

Just like do construction, but use a little lotion.

And that's…

Well, we'll… Yeah… Just watching this lion get pet. I don't know.

It made me realize I'm lonely for sure.

-Um, yeah. -[audience laughs]

Once you're jealous of a lion pet… [laughs]

You're like, "Fuck, I gotta get out there, jiggy."

-"I'm on my phone forever." Uh… -[audience laughs]

I don't know how to step away from my phone.

I just don't know how to do it.

Anyone that works at Instagram, like, if they tracked my phone behavior,

they'll be like, "Wow, we did it. We ruined her life. We did it."

[audience laughing]

Ten, eleven hours a day, I'm clocking in.

I am just scrolling.

I have calluses, I have pain.

I got tennis elbow, not from tennis, okay?

Like, I… I love it so…

Like, I have to hold a pen differently

because of the pain that I have from my phone.

If you saw me hold a pen, you'd be like,

you know, "Maybe she was in foster care." I…

[audience laughing]

"No one taught her. No one taught her." [laughs]

And I try. I try.

I took Instagram off my phone.

I lasted, uh, five weeks, I think.

I'm lying. It was four. Okay. Uh… [laughs]

[audience laughing]

I was lying, but my hand said the truth. Okay.

[laughing] Fuck you. Um…

[audience laughing]

But then I just got, like, so into TikTok, then I had to take TikTok off my phone.

And then I reached a darkness I never really wanted,

which is YouTube Shorts. And then…

[audience laughing, applauding]

In YouTube…

Like, to have to take YouTube off your phone, that is…

Like, I have a problem,

and I thought that would be the lowest I can go, but no,

now I scroll through my own photos, just…

[audience laughing]

Memories, bad outfits, bad hairdo, fluctuating weight.

Like, I can't… I can't fucking escape it, but they know what I want.

They know I want to see a little animal sitting on a big animal.

And they give it to me.

A rooster sitting on a donkey? I'll donate to your farm.

A hundred percent.

A hundred percent.

I follow Teddy the Shetland, this little horse.

Like, I know more about him than I know my nephew.

-I… -[audience laughing]

What is my nephew up to? I'm not sure.

Teddy? He got a new saddle today. Double tap. Double tap.

I'm on it. There's a pig I'm obsessed with.

-She follows me back. Uh… [laughs] -[audience laughing]

She's so cute. She, uh…

Her big thing is she picks flowers

and then decorates her barn with bunches of flowers.

Yes, it is fucked up we… we eat animals that can decorate.

Like, it is rude. This bitch is setting up a vibe.

What the fuck?! She does not belong in a sandwich.

She belongs in a West Elm making commission, okay?

[audience laughing]

Talented little pig, but…

No, I'm a hypocrite. I'm not a vegetarian. Do not worry, I'm a cool girl.

-But, uh… [laughs] -[audience laughs]

It's hard not being a hypocrite.

Uh-- There's too many things out there. It's too much.

Like, I was always very…

I do not support abusers. Right?

Like, I'm not listening to R. Kelly. I'm not listening to Chris Brown.

And then an article came out

that said one of the Backstreet Boys is a rapist, and I'm like…

[inhales deeply] "Guess we gotta separate the art from the artist. Okay!"

[chuckling]

I get it, like… [laughs]

BSB for life! Um…

Yeah, I wish all the rapists weren't so talented, but here we are.

Here we are.

What are we gonna do? Sit in silence? Um…

[audience laughing]

[sighs deeply]

But… [laughs]

Okay. This is good. I have a few more rape jokes.

This is nice. This is nice.

We got it goin'. You guys are…

Yeah, this is really good.

But it's not only animals and fuzzy fun.

Like, the phone does enrage me at times too.

I forget people can see my comments and I am…

I'm in there. I, uh… [laughs]

I got a screenshot sent to me by a friend,

and it was a comment I had left,

and he just wrote, "Wow, you really let that tradwife have it."

I'm like, "Fuck."

[audience laughing]

I don't wanna get mad. It's not even things I know about.

But if you did not fill up your wife's Christmas stocking,

I am finding a photo of your mother

and being like, "How dare you raise a son that's negligent." Like…

[audience laughing]

I didn't even know it was an issue, but now I don't care.

Like I care so much if these women have things in their stockings.

It's… It's wild. I get riled.

Um, on April Fools' Day, I forgot it was April Fools' Day.

And SoulCycle posted "no more Taylor Swift rides,"

and I'm disabled from commenting on SoulCycle's Instagram page.

[audience laughing]

You can't play tricks like that. Fuck!

But, yeah, it's…

For me, it's… [laughs]

…phone, weed, Diet Coke. That's…

And of course, like, Bravo in the background.

But that is my… All day just…

[mumbling, laughing]

And then, at night I'm like, "Why are my eyes dry?"

"I don't feel good."

[audience laughing]

Maybe it's 'cause you have Baja Blast.

-Like, I… -[audience laughs]

I don't drink water, cold brews…

Uh, OLIPOP-- I do wanna-- OLIPOP, 9 grams of fiber.

I do love it. Thank you. Uh…

-[chuckles] -[woman] Whoo!

Do you work for OLIPOP?

Okay. Then don't do that. Uh, don't do that.

[audience laughs]

I thought I was about to be part of a marketing campaign.

[laughing] And I'm devastated.

But, yeah, for me, it doesn't matter what bad habit

as long as I don't have to deal with the emotions happening around me.

You know, as long as I don't have to actually solve what's going on,

I'll… I'll spend, I'll eat, I'll smoke, I'll get--

I will do whatever to not actually feel my feelings.

Like, I try to fix a printer and I couldn't do it,

and I went and got a butterfly tattoo. Now…

[audience laughs]

This is so big for someone that's pretty casual about butterflies.

-Like, I… [laughs] -[audience laughs]

I don't hate butterflies, of course. But…

[laughing] It's so big.

[audience laughing]

I ju-- I… I get riled.

And I ca-- I just can't do it.

With the weed, I'm delusional. That's my thing.

I lie to myself. I'm… I always say, "Oh, I'm not even high."

Then I'll take little puffs throughout the day.

And I'll be like, "Oh, I'm not even high."

And then it's time to do my makeup and I'm like, "Touché. Okay."

[audience laughs]

"I guess I'm high, and now I look like a Picasso rough draft."

"Fantastic."

[audience laughing]

You know what I learned? Even if you buy Chanel eyeliner,

if you're bad at it, you'll still look bad.

-You know what I mean? -[all laughing]

I'm always buying expensive items,

but it's like… No, but it's still me.

It's still me.

I'm still not able to do it.

And the thing is they marketed weed as safe and natural from the earth.

It helps your anxiety.

Like, I… I just didn't think there was a problem

and then, one day I woke up after over a decade of smoking weed every day

and went, "Oh wow, I've become Mr. Bean."

That's… That's what being an adult stoner is like.

You think you're crushing it. You're like a British dude in a bow tie

and you're like, "Everyone's obsessed with me." Like…

"I'm killing it. I'm so good at everything."

But in reality, everyone around you is like,

"Why is she doing that? Why…"

"What is she doing? She has to stop."

But… But you think you're doing good.

Like, that…

I was test-driving a car.

Should have I been sober? Sure.

But why would I test-drive not how I live, right? Like…

That doesn't make sense.

Not everyone laughed. The people that are have DUIs, okay?

And… It used to be cool. [laughs]

You guys are cute. This is wild. Okay.

-Uh… [laughs] -[audience laughing]

But they told me I have stand right here. Um…

It has to be here and I'm touching my hair.

Okay. [laughing]

[audience laughing, cheering]

Oh my God. [laughs]

-[cheering stops] -Wow. Thanks. [laughs]

[audience laughs]

So impressed. Um…

But, yeah, I'm test-driving the car and then the dealership guy is here,

and I notice in the center console, there's a deep rectangle hole.

And so I get excited, I turn to the guy and I go,

"Oh my God, cool. Is this for sauces?"

And…

It's fine it's not for sauces,

but he didn't have to speak to me like that. Like…

[audience laughing raucously]

And if you're a nugget girl, you know that is a perfect little sauce--

Like, you do know.

But he turned to me, and he goes, "Ma'am."

-Which is a slur. Which is a slur. -[audience laughs]

Stop. Stop calling people "ma'am." We do not like it.

It makes nobody feel good. It's…

And the only people that like it are from the South,

and they're like, "I was raised that way. It's my culture."

Your culture doesn't have a great track record

for coming out with words people like to be called, okay?

[audience laughing, cheering]

Stop. [laughs]

Stop.

We'll take your sweet tea, just not anything else. Like…

-[audience laughing] -[laughing] Just…

But he went, "Ma'am, the Nissan factory didn't build a sauce hole."

I was like, "Whoa, that's crazy."

"What are the chances? 'Cause that's what I call my pussy. Like, whoa."

[audience laughing]

Wild, me and this Nissan have so much in common.

But… [smacks lips]

No, the hole is for, um… It's for the key. Whatever.

I… [laughs]

It's for the new key 'cause this is not--

Don't you miss pretending you're in a horror movie and being like… [gasps]

I miss it. I miss it. I miss it.

I don't need these little robot keys, but whatever.

I just humiliate myself stoned constantly.

I was hanging out with someone, and she had a cool hat on,

and I went, "Wow, I love your hat."

And she said, "It's my first time wearing it."

What I heard is, "I've never worn a hat in my fucking life."

"And I'm just now wearing a hat for the first time."

That's what I heard.

And so I reacted with, "Whoa! You've never worn a hat? Like…"

[audience laughing]

She lives in Chicago. She's worn a hat, okay?

She's worn a hat.

But to me, never. Never.

One time, I embarrassed my own self.

I was, um… I was making eggs.

And, no one believes me, but the, like, the egg wouldn't come out.

Uh, there was a malfunction, there was glue.

Like, something was happening, so it cracked in my hand.

I'm very, very powerful. And…

Um, you know, I've read about the economy.

So I was like, "I can't waste the egg. Like, I have to use the egg."

And so in my-- I go, "Oh, great, I'll just flip it over."

"I'll… I'll flip it over."

Yeah, guess what else fell? All the other eggs.

All the other eggs tumbling down.

It was like that commercial in the '90s. "This is your brain on drugs."

But in my own home.

It was humiliating.

I'm eating an eight-egg crunchy omelet, like…

"This is what you deserve, you fucking Gaston."

[audience laughing]

It's just it's bad.

But also, yeah, the fact that I haven't smoked yet, kinda wild.

Uh, but, this is a professional event.

Okay. Um… [sucks teeth]

So I'm doing it.

Uh, we can ease into the immigrant portion of the show.

Okay. Uh… [laughs]

-I am an immigrant. Um, I'm-- -[man] Whoo!

-Yeah. [laughs] -[audience laughing]

Well, let's see if you relate to this. Okay.

If you don't know, this is what it's like to be a child immigrant.

One day, my dad called the house,

and he said, "Um, guess what? I got you a telescope."

I can't believe it, I'm so excited, like, I'm gonna have a telescope.

He comes home. It's a cantaloupe.

[audience laughs]

[sighs]

Yeah.

I thought I was gonna look at the stars.

Now I'm eating fruit alone in a basement. Like…

[audience laughing]

That's what it's like to be an immigrant child.

You just turn into a little Republican racist in your home.

You're like, "Learn English, we're in America!"

[audience laughing]

"What the fuck are you doing?!"

And you learn you can't trust your parents.

The people you look to for guidance, they don't know what's happening."

Like that… that basically is what occurs.

My dad, I mean, he would steal apples from the botanic garden.

And I knew, the geese knew, like, that's not what you do.

But he just kept doing it.

Also, if you want to see an immigrant family fighting,

go to a botanic garden or a T.J. Maxx.

That is… That is a fun time.

Um, yeah, my dad, he would buy cheap vodka,

pour it into expensive vodka bottles.

The only one drinking the vodka, right? Like…

[audience laughing]

Who are you punking?

But I'm lucky to him. I talk to him a lot.

But I am lucky to have my parents.

My, uh, parents are 86 and 79.

And, okay, usually people are like that.

-But, um… [laughs] -[audience laughing, applauding]

[sighs] No, I'm lucky to have my parents. They're so great.

Um, so, yeah, they're 86, 79. Born in 1938 and 1945.

Um, they were 42 and 50 when I was born.

And I would never ever say this.

But my friends say I'm lucky I'm not retarded.

-But I… -[audience laughs]

I would never say that.

But my friend's a bitch. Um, so…

No, she's really bad.

One time, my dad, he went into heart surgery,

and I went home, of course.

And then, before surgery, I said, "I love you."

He did not say it back and…

Which I get, you know.

If Stalin's your leader, you might not say "I love you."

Like, I get that.

Yeah, if you grew up in Stalin era,

you might steal from every lost and found you've ever seen.

And like, I'm okay with that.

But if you are missing goggles, they are in our basement. But…

[audience laughing]

So, I get him. But I was telling a friend and she was like,

"Oh, you need to tell people that."

"They'll be less upset by your personality." So…

[audience laughs]

Um… [laughs]

That was great.

Um, but I am here, my senior citizen parents,

and I do… I really do appreciate them.

But it's just… It's just chaos and embarrassment.

That's basically what it is.

And I have empathy, of course.

1938, my dad was born.

Escaped the Nazis,

um, on a horse and wagon through Central Asia.

He got this weird ancient fever, survived.

Then came to America,

then came to my softball game in…

[audience laughs]

…a t-shirt that said,

"Budweiser, King of Rears," with butts on it.

[audience laughing, applauding]

The shirt with butts, yeah.

I was like, "I get that the Nazis were tough, but you're ruining my life."

"Actually, you're ruining my life, Dad."

[sighs]

Then he was mad at me. That's what's crazy. He was mad at me.

He goes, "Why didn't you tell me this was inappropriate?"

I'm like, "I'm six and those are butts, okay?"

[audience laughing]

"Why would that be on me? Were butts, like, cool where you grew up? Like…"

But… [laughs]

…he's at the games, he's present,

he liked being a dad, like, he's there, just always a little off.

Like, first grade Christmas party, everyone brings a snack.

He brought a garbage bag filled with popcorn that he popped on his own.

And then gave it to children with his bare hands.

[audience laughing]

That's what he thought American suburban children wanted.

A trash Santa throwing loose corn on their desks.

[audience laughing]

[sighs] It's bad. But he's at the school.

Like, that's the whole thing. Like, he wants to be involved.

Like, he pushed owls on me. He made me collect owls against my--

I did not want the owls. I never indi--

I'm a young girl. Why would I want birds that come out at night and stare at you

all over my room? Why would I want that?

But it felt like one of those situations

where your mom wanted to do pageants, but she didn't have the body for it,

so she's making you do it.

And that's how it felt with the owls,

where I'm like, "Who kept owls from you

that you needed your young daughter to have hundreds of them?"

And so, every holiday, every--

Like, all these owls.

And then he went behind my back to the school library,

made them display all of my owls with a photo of my face that said,

"Liza's wonderful and wise owl collection."

[audience laughing]

My question is,

"You don't speak English. How did you do that? How did you do that?"

[audience laughing, applauding]

I'm reading menus for him, I'm reading fucking all his mail,

I'm translating, and he was able to set up a gallery display

behind my back to destroy me. Like, I…

[audience laughing]

…don't get it. I don't get it.

One… [laughs]

One time, though… Um, I talk about my dad a lot.

But one time I was talking about how when we were kids,

he didn't believe in sunblock.

And, um, after we were sun-burned though, we'd put sour cream all over our bodies.

[audience laughs]

Yeah. Communism's tough, okay?

Um, but it was cooling and nice.

And so, I was talking about the sour cream once onstage

and a man from the audience yelled out,

"Oh, you're like a little baked potato." And…

I just felt ashamed how much I liked it.

I was like,

"That is hot." [laughs]

Oh man. I would… I do want to… I would like to meet someone

that is, um, a thing for me.

It's just weird to want love so bad

and then never see a good representation of it.

You know what I mean? Like, it never looks good.

Sorry if you came here with a partner, but…

It's just… It's just bad. [laughs]

Here's my… Here's my impression of all my straight married girlfriends. Okay.

[gasps] I have to renew his passport tomorrow!

-Okay, that's it. Um… -[audience laughs]

[audience applauding]

So many errands. Uh…

Why can't he do it? But, uh…

'Cause when you're horny and you just want…

You can masturbate, you can have sex. Like, that's kind of easy.

When you're horny for love, that's different.

I don't know how to, um… Like, I don't know what to do.

Do I hide a phone charger, come back out, "I don't know where it is!"

Like, I… Is that…

Is that how you masturbate for love?

Change the thermostat, come back out, "I'm hot!"

You know, like…

[audience laughing]

It just seems tough. It seems like a lot of compromise.

The darkest thing I've ever seen was my mom was drinking tea,

and she goes, "I hate this tea."

I go, "Okay. Why are you drinking it?"

And she says, "Well, I bought it."

"If I don't finish it, your dad gets really mad at me."

I'm pissed. I'm like, "What the fuck?! You worked hard your whole life."

"You deserve whatever tea you want. Like, this is bull--"

And she goes, "Relax. I use two teabags at a time."

"It'll be over quick."

[audience laughs]

So crazy.

It's wild, but I want it.

I wanna live with someone, be with someone.

I saw a quote online. Always online.

Um, it said, "Make a list of everything you want in a partner,

and then become that list."

That's good advice, but how do I become a big Black dude?

-You know, I… -[audience laughs]

I'm not an engineer. I…

I wish.

Are there engineers here?

No. [laughs]

You just touched your eye. That was weird timing. Uh… [laughs]

I thought you were an engineer.

I'm just impressed--

I'm just impressed with anyone that learned something in school

and then uses it later. Like…

I can't. Like…

To retain information… Wow, that is… that is …

I majored in sociology. I don't know.

What did I learn? It's hard to be poor. Cool. Uh…

[audience laughs]

Your neighborhood affects your personality.

Like, that is all.

Um, but I guess I use it. You know, I'm empathetic. Um… [laughs]

[audience laughing]

[sighs] Oh yeah.

But, no, I have a varied type.

I'm really interested in a lot of different people.

Um, I'm really attracted to people that can walk a dog with no leash.

You know they can fuck.

-[audience laughs] -You know it. You know it.

You're whistling and a Pit Bull's…

Like, that is respect.

Like, that dog respects what you're doing.

You know who can't fuck?

-[grunting] That's… -[audience laughs]

Your friend, she is taking a nap.

Yeah, you have no game. You have no game.

[groaning]

[laughing] Yeah.

I'm also really attracted to…

I like, uh, girls who look like they could be in a boy band.

I'm very into that.

I like a soft butch who can nail choreography.

That's my favorite.

The only problem with that is sometimes you think you see a hot chick,

and then, surprise, it is a teen boy.

-[audience laughs] -Um…

It's bad. [chuckles]

You gotta back out of the pack, son. You know… [laughs]

[audience laughing]

My bad. I should not have been in there.

[smacks lips] Yeah.

I don't know. Am I bi? Am I pan? Am I--

I don't know what I am. I'm so jealous of people that know.

Like, I really… I can't figure out. I just can't figure out.

I'm definitely on the spectrum. You know, of sexuality, not autism.

-[audience laughs] -But, um…

They laughed harder at that at the earlier show.

-[audience laughs] -Um…

We'll use that edit. Thanks. Um…

[audience laughs loudly]

Thanks for that. [laughs]

Oh, I don't know what I am.

I want a girlfriend, but I love cum.

-And that is… -[audience laughs]

So I like the consistency. You know what I mean?

Is this too much? I, um… [smacks lips]

I just love it. I'm not happy about it, but I just…

What number on the Kinsey scale is cum-hungry lesbian?

Like, do we know?

Can I-- I think I'm Ms. Pac-Man.

If I can identify as anyone, it is Ms. Pac-Man.

Put a bow on my hair and let me chomp all over town.

Like, that is what I truly want.

Um, yeah, I want a see a fucking ghost. That's cool.

Uh… [laughs]

And some fruit. [smacks lips]

This is not related, but I did live with a girl once

who thought she was a witch 'cause she had déjà vu, and I…

I miss that energy.

To have a dream and then walk out of your room and go,

"I think I have powers," is…

[audience laughing]

…so cool.

But I'm actually a bad roommate. I did learn that later in life.

When I lived alone, I finally realized I was a bad roommate,

because, like, yeah…

One day I just looked around my apartment and went, "Oh, someone was cleaning."

-Okay. I… -[audience laughs]

I didn't realize.

But one day, my tub was gray and I was like,

"Oh my God. I miss my friend." Um…

[smacks lips]

But, yeah, back to the cum situation.

I am not happy about it.

Like, but I get off on humiliation,

and there's nothing more humiliating than helping a man have a good time.

-That is nothing. -[audience laughing, applauding]

Ugh!

You work so hard for a man to, like, grunt and spit out of his dick,

and then you're just like sitting there like a Cinnabon at the mall.

-It's… -[audience laughing]

…terrible.

And, like, you guys always tell us to smile.

That would be a great place for you to smile like that,

instead of growling.

Okay, your clapping while also pointing the clap at his face.

That is crazy.

But you're also intertwined. It is really beautiful.

No, I've seen your hand on his thigh multiple times. Um… [laughs]

I have. You guys are really into each other.

[laughing] Uh, okay. Uh…

[audience laughing]

You know what? This is a fun experiment I've been doing. Okay?

Clap if you have sex with men.

[audience clapping]

All right. So that's the test group.

So no one else clap.

Like, only the people that just clapped can clap this next time.

Of the people who have sex with men,

clap if you've never slapped a dick on your face.

[scattered clapping]

[audience laughing]

I don't know what I'm trying to prove, but I feel like a real sociologist.

-I do. -[audience laughs]

[audience cheering]

But what is it?

You're the only one who clapped, but what was funny is that--

But, like, I like the idea that people are embarrassed to clap

that they didn't do that.

-Like, that's… -[audience laughs]

That's cool. Like, you…

Yeah, you don't… It's… It's like… [laughs]

I'm such a feminist.

One dick slap, I'll go bake a pie immediately. Immediately.

Yeah. [laughs]

Sometimes I feel like I don't even have the right to vote after.

It's like, uh… [laughs]

[smacks lips]

Would, uh, you guys be turned on or off

if during sex someone said they were wet like tres leches cake?

-How… -[audience laughs]

Okay.

Neither here nor there, but fun.

I do wanna say… I am gonna talk about my parents again.

But, um, I do wanna say,

I never realized how hard it was to be a parent

until my friends started having kids.

That's when it hits you. Like, I appreciate my parents so much.

You could just never stop cutting fruit. It is a never-ending journey.

[audience laughs]

And it is wild to see your friends do it.

It really… It really is.

I don't think I can be a parent. That's not for--

I don't think I can put a stroller together at the airport.

That seems really hard.

On an edible? Impossible. I… [laughs]

[audience laughing]

It's so much pressure.

People are boarding. What if your baby falls out?

-Like, it's just… -[audience laughs]

It seems like so mu-- The stakes are high, that's the thing.

There's no room for error as a parent.

You forget your baby bag. Now what? Your baby is starving in a pile of shit?

Like, I can't handle that.

You've to touch the sh-- It's just… It's too much.

It's too much work.

But-- And the baby gums on the nipple.

That's like really… That's from the devil.

That… That was the devil's idea.

The, like…

[imitates sucking]

Yeah, you're grossed out at just me pretending to do it. Like…

[imitates sucking] Ugh.

And obviously, no judgment.

If you like breastfeeding, that is amazing,

but you're a pedophile. Okay?

[audience laughing]

The baby is licking your nipple, and you belong in a jail cell. That's…

[audience laughing]

[sighs deeply]

And I do know that I come from privilege,

but I do have to say, I had a really good time in jail.

I did. I really did.

We got to heat our cookies up in a microwave,

I read a book, and I watched The Simpsons.

That's a good weekend. I'm sorry. Um…

But, yeah, back to the baby.

But the thing is, because it's so hard I wanna be there for my friends.

That's really important to me.

I wanna be there for all my friends that are parents and mom--

They're sore, they're tired, they're leaking.

It's… It's a tough life. And so I wanna be there for them.

And then when you're there for them, it's like,

they think your life is insignificant

and their life is better and worse than yours, all at the same time.

And you can never feel a feeling again.

And it is…

I don't know, if you've ever told a mom you're tired,

get a helmet, they're pissed. They are so mad at you.

"You don't even know what tired is."

I'm like, "I've done molly and had to catch a flight."

-Like… -[audience laughs]

"I've been very tired. Thanks."

We shouldn't have to compare our tired. It's annoying to me.

But when you agree with them and you go, "Oh my God, it's so tiring and so hard."

"It's a loss of freedom."

"You make it look actually really terrible."

"Maybe I won't have kids."

They're mad at you too. Like…

Their response is always like,

"Well, then you'll never have true unconditional love."

I'm like, "You told me motherhood changed you."

"I guess you're still a bitch. Okay, I…"

[audience laughing]

So much talk about how your heart opened. I'm just, um, confused.

You know, I brought a gift. It's Saturday afternoon.

But, yeah, I think

you should definitely tell your friend she'll never have love.

Yeah, that's normal.

And we know that's not true at all,

or there wouldn't be homeless gay teens. You know what I mean?

You would be able to not be more mean and have parents still.

So it's bullshit. There's a lot of conditions

on a lot of parental love.

But let's say it's true.

I'll never experience unconditional love.

Then why are you so jealous of me? Like, you should be nicer.

You should be nicer, kinder, feel sad for me.

All the moms are so jealous.

"Oh, must be nice to nap and shower."

Yeah, I don't have love. I think I can be well-rested and clean.

-You know, I… -[audience laughs]

Kind of a consolation prize, right?

And if you're jealous of my shower, then admit your baby sucks.

-Right? Like… -[audience laughs]

I don't really get it.

I'm sorry, you can't come to Vegas with us.

That must be really hard,

but you get to transcend layers of love

as you stare into your child's eyes,

and get to, you know, relate to your parents

and, you know, relive your own childhood

in this being that you created.

And let me try to go get fingered at the Golden Nugget pool. Okay?

[audience laughing, applauding]

Shit!

I just wanna go down a water slide

when a stingray is next to me in captivity.

That's… That's my joy.

Let me have it. [laughs]

It's not even on the strip. Um…

[audience laughing]

So annoying.

Whoa, have you ever, um…

Have you ever gotten like a really, really dirty text message

and then the same day, your friend gives birth to a baby,

and then all the photos save

and then your phone looks like an investigation is, uh…

[audience laughs]

[chuckling] Okay.

[smacks lips]

[sighs]

All right. [laughs]

Oh man.

I… I am a true crime girlie.

Like, I… Yeah, murder, sex crimes.

I'm researching, I'm watching, I'm looking.

And it does fuck with your head. It really does.

I was in a cab once, and the cab driver stopped,

and I said, "Why are you stopping? This is not the address I gave you."

"I do not feel safe."

And he said, "We're at a red light." [exhales sharply]

[audience laughing]

But then he peed in a bottle in front of me. Dun dun!

-Okay. [laughs] -[audience laughs]

They do work hard, but he could've waited. Okay. Uh…

But that's how I know I fucking belong and love New York City.

Because I've been almost murdered here three times

and doesn't affect my opinion, like…

It… I just love being here so much.

I love that I get to record it here, and live here.

-I'm truly… [laughs] -[audience cheering]

Thank you.

It's cool. It is really cool. [laughs]

Yeah, I get pumped.

Any time I see the Chrysler Building, I'm like, "She's so pretty."

Like, I… I love living here. Nothing affects me.

I remember… One of my first apartments, there was rat shit always outside my door.

Not really unique.

But, um, I was complaining to a friend,

and she said, "Maybe if they think a cat lives there, they'll stay away."

So then every week she'd bring me a bag full of dirty cat litter from her cat,

and then I would pour cat shit onto rat shit.

And then I'd go…

♪ In New York ♪

And like, that was it.

[audience laughing]

I just thought it was fair. I'm like, "Yeah, for sure."

"You get to layer different animal shits

and keep it moving, and then you get to see Broadway."

Like, that…

On a Wednesday afternoon, you get to see the most talented performers ever.

Like, yeah, I'll… I'll do it.

I'll do whatever it takes to live here.

I got attacked here once on the street, um, outside my apartment.

And my friend's boyfriend who I hate saved my life, and…

[audience laughing]

Being saved by an enemy, that's tough. That's tough.

I wouldn't recommend it. He… [exhales sharply]

And he was a hero. He was.

He said, "I heard your voice and I knew you were in trouble."

He ran out, he saved my life.

And then I had to be like…

"Yeah, so how was your day?" [laughs]

[all laughing]

Oh no. Wait. Okay.

-Uh… [laughs] -[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience cheering]

So nuts. [laughs]

That was one attack.

Then, that apartment was also painted purple and gold.

And people would come over and go, "Oh, did you paint this?"

Never been more insulted in my life. Like…

[audience laughs]

You thought I bought paints and did a New Orleans motif? That's…

[audience laughing]

That's what you think of me? Just Lakers for life?

What?

No, I did not paint it. Um…

But in that apartment, I…

I caught my building super on a ladder

spying into my bedroom window.

Um, but because he was whistling, I thought he was a bird for days.

[audience laughing]

For days I heard the whistling and I bragged to friends.

I go, "Yeah, the birds chose us."

"It's like really special. It's really special."

"For this time of year, yeah."

Um, and then my friend came over,

she goes, "That doesn't sound like a bird."

Pulled back the curtain, and it was a man.

It was a man.

It was Raoul.

I know you. Like, what?

You can't fix my sink, but you're out here outside my window.

Okay. Cool. Cool move, bro.

I-- I can't even be--

And he didn't get in trouble 'cause he wasn't masturbating or videotaping,

so didn't break any laws. So…

Not a punch line, but maybe something to think about.

Um, maybe who is making these laws.

Like, what?

I guess you could be elbows into an apartment that's not yours

if you jerk off later.

Like, I don't understand it.

I really don't understand it.

I don't get a lot…

You know one of my biggest rape pet peeves, I would say is,

I hate when dudes complain about false rape accusations.

"Oh… Oh, what about the false rape accusations?"

"The women are lying. They're nuts. They're out of…"

And then they will fuck the craziest bitch I have ever seen in my life.

Like, what?

I'm scared of alligators.

I would never fly to Florida, jump in a swamp

and go, "I've been nibbled." Right?

[audience laughs]

Why are you fucking in the swamp. Like, I…

The DARE program should've been for men's dicks.

Just say no. Just say…

I have friends who are always like, "I fucked her. I didn't even like her."

It's like, you don't have to do it. Like, stop… stop doing it.

It makes no sense.

I know she's hot, but she's keying a car.

Is that not enough of a clue to you?

I… It's… [sighs] I really… I just don't understand it.

There's no plan of action.

Guys act so scared of false rape accusations,

and then do not take any precautions.

If you're someone that doesn't want to get attacked,

it's keys between your fingers, right?

Earbuds out, Mace in your purse.

You're fucking ready. Location shared.

Dudes, what are you doing?

You're… You'll fuck a girl with bangs like this. You know?

[audience laughing]

That's a maniac. That's a maniac.

You're relying your freedom on a straight across bangs.

I ju-- I just don't understand it.

She smells like French vanilla. She will lie in court, like…

[audience laughing]

For sure.

But crazy girls fuck the best!

Okay, now you're in jail. Are you happy? Like, I don't…

[audience laughs]

Cool. She had an eyebrow piercing.

She's unwell. Okay. Uh…

Where are my Bravoholics?

-[laughs] -[audience cheering]

[inhales deeply] Yes! You guys, you gotta get into The Real Housewives.

A lot of you didn't clap, and I think, um…

I think you have… you have, like, a wrong notion of what it is.

And you know what's the best part about watching only reality TV?

When you do watch Succession, it feels like you're reading.

-It's awesome. -[audience laughing]

-[laughs] -[man] Whoo! Yeah!

I'm like, "Wow! So much knowledge." Um…

[audience continues laughing]

But Real Housewives is comedy. It's entertainment.

I don't think people really get it.

I mean, there's a woman on The Real Housewives of New York.

She has shit herself on camera three times.

[audience laughing]

And she still thinks she's better than you. Right?

She's not like, "Oh no."

That's not her. That's not her.

Legit, one time, there were shit streaks on the vacation tile… home.

Like, on the white tile of their vacation home, shit streaks.

And the… the camera panned on the shit

and then up her body, and she just went,

"We're going to Bagatelle for lunch." And that was it!

[audience laughing]

That was it. They'll fistfight at a christening.

I mean, it is… it is heaven.

Who has seen, um, Cynthia's bachelorette party on…

-[audience cheering] -Okay.

You have?

You're gonna be, uh, my helper if that's okay.

Um, I'm gonna recap an episode.

That one, obviously.

And if I lie or exaggerate, you can stop me.

You can actually touch my leg. We're really close.

-[audience laughs] -Um, so…

Yeah, if I do… If I lie at all…

Okay, so I'm gonna recap this episode of Cynthia's bachelorette party

from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

And I want you to know this is not a premiere.

This is not a special.

This is not a finale.

Like, regular episode. So…

Cynthia's getting married.

Her friend decides to throw her a bachelorette party.

Her friend who's hosting it, she takes the private jet

and makes everyone else share a Sprinter van.

-Okay. -[audience laughs]

That's just the beginning.

Then the hostess Postmates herself crab cakes

but for nobody else.

And the women go, "Did you get us crab cakes? We're hungry."

And she says, "There's chips in the kitchen."

[audience laughing]

I don't know how you feel about seafood. I'd slit a friend's throat.

Like, don't you dare. Don't you dare eat seafood without me. Uh…

But they love her, and they want Cynthia to have a good time.

So no one fights. They keep it together.

They get ready for the nighttime activities.

They go upstairs, they all put on lingerie.

They come back downstairs.

They put Cynthia in a sex swing,

and then they put a vibrator on her clit, okay?

This is on Peacock. This is on Peacock.

[audience laughing]

Just… No birthday necessary.

Just… You can watch it.

[inhales deeply]

And… [laughs]

…we're only 20 minutes in, okay? We're 20 minutes in.

There's a 50-year-old woman shivering on a wall in front of her friends

and there's still 40 minutes left to this episode.

So you're like, "What else is gonna happen?"

What happens is there's a cage in the backyard.

In the cage, there's a stripper named Bolo.

He's sexy, and he's wearing head to toe fake Chanel,

but it is also Covid, so there's a shield. Okay?

[audience laughs]

So…

He's stripping with the shield.

They're getting… They're like cash, cash, cash. Everything is great.

Then he ends up having a threesome, okay? With two other women in the house.

One of which… That's like really good

because, um, she just broke up with the Hot Dog King

and I feel like that was good for her.

And then, the other woman, we've never seen again.

So, Tanya, we're thinking about you.

Like, I don't know what happened.

Where did she go?

Truly disappeared from the universe. Um… [smacks lips]

I hope everything is okay. She was in a long-term partnership.

Okay, but anyways, um…

So then the next day, they all wake up.

They're hungover, they're tired, they're sore.

They don't rest. They don't fuckin' rest.

They go fishing.

And then, one of the women catches a shark.

She pulls a shark out of the ocean.

M. Night Shyamalan who? Okay?

[audience laughs]

People are like, "How do you know it's not fake and scripted?

Yeah, that shark didn't get paid. Okay? That…

That was nature, and um…

Yeah, I don't work for them. I don't know why…

[laughs] Yeah, I love it. That's the end. Okay. Um…

[audience laughing]

Lot of TV. A lot of TV.

-[audience cheering] -Thank you.

A lot of TV.

[Liza sighs]

I've been a TV girl forever.

And you know what my… Another phone term,

but my Roman Empire…

I don't know if any of you remember.

MTV True Life, "I'm Getting Plastic Surgery."

The guy who got fake calves.

[audience cheering]

[sighs]

How cr-- I mean, where is he? What's he up to?

Did the calves improve his life? Like…

I just want to know.

Because the thing about it is,

like, you have no friends. Like, who cares about your calves?

Like, I…

We see your life. There's a dark--

Like, your apartment looks like shit.

Like, I don't know why calves.

That's just so cocky to me to think that the calves are the issue.

[audience laughing]

But he got this calf implant.

And then he's alone, and they were like bleeding,

and then the Domino's Pizza guy came,

and he was just hobbling.

[exhales]

It's hobbling through my mind ever since.

Like, I…

Sorry, but I really connect to that.

You know what I fucking miss?

The last time I feel we were all united as a people.

Um, do you remember when they took the green M&M's boots away?

[audience laughs]

That was fun.

We all learned that we all wanted to fuck her.

Like, that was so cool. [laughs]

No matter who you voted for, everyone was like, "Bring back the whore."

Yeah, we… we need her lashes, please.

We could have all really bonded during the submersible thing.

But then some people were like, "No, they're alive."

And yeah, that was annoying. Um…

[audience laughing]

[sighs] If you were sad for them, you really ruined a lot of people's fun.

But… [laughs]

But it is okay. Um…

No, one of my goals as I age, I would say is,

I really want to stay connected to youth culture.

Um, I wanna… I don't wanna become old and have outdated ideas for no reason

and not know why I believe in them.

I just wanna keep evolving. It's very important to me.

[inhales deeply] Um, but then when you hang out with the youth,

I… [exhales sharply]

I feel like I wanna join the Proud Boys.

-It's… -[audience laughing]

It's… [laughs]

I'll tell you. You seem shocked. I'll tell you what happened.

So, my niece, um, she's 19. Gen Z.

And she had never seen The Devil Wears Prada.

And it's one of my favorite movies,

so I went, "Oh my God. This is gonna be like an awesome bonding moment."

"We'll watch The Devil Wears Prada together."

She hated it.

It's the scene where the blond guy is trying to have sex with Anne Hathaway.

She keeps saying no. He keeps trying.

She keeps saying no.

So my niece says,

"What the fuck?! She said no. Why isn't he listening to her?"

I don't know what came over me.

I go, "I don't know. Why are you talking to her in the movie, bitch?

[audience laughs]

"It's in Paris. It's romantic, okay?"

Can't enjoy anything anymore.

He's offering you a job. Do it. Okay?

[audience laughs]

Don't you wanna work? [laughs]

[inhales deeply]

And then she also said, "Ugh, so much body shaming."

And I was like, "Do you wanna work in fashion or not? I don't…

[audience laughing]

I don't know what to tell you.

[smacks lips]

Body stuff, of course, you know, difficult. Difficult.

Last year, I lost 40 pounds.

Before you clap, you know, I gained it back.

Um, but it didn't seem like any of you were gonna clap.

-Um… -[audience laughs]

But…

Usually, you know that it's, like, a fun dynamic, but…

Yep, no, gained it back.

Um, it's fine.

If you're on a weight-loss journey though,

my biggest advice is don't throw away your old clothes.

That is the best and most realistic advice you're gonna get.

You get cocky. You're like, "Yeah, I'm gonna eat ground turkey for fucking life."

You know?

And then you realize Greek yogurt sucks.

And, um… And then you don't have any dresses.

So…

And it sucks to go buy dresses.

Plus size dresses… Plus size shopping sucks.

Like, the plus size store in my old neighborhood,

it was called the Plus Bus. Yeah.

[audience laughing]

Yeah.

'Cause people would be like, "I love your dress. Where'd you get it?"

And then I had to go, "I got it at the Plus Bus." So…

[audience laughing]

"I'm sure you don't want it anymore." Like… [laughs]

But also, what is it?

Are we getting on the bus or are we the bus?

-What's happening? -[audience laughing]

What is it? I don't understand it even.

[audience laughing]

The Macy's on 34th Street was the worst.

The plus size section was on the seventh floor, next to the bedding.

Shady. Um…

[audience laughs]

But then, at one point, they built an Auntie Anne's pretzels

inside the plus size section.

Is Regina George head of marketing? I…

[audience laughing]

Wafting salted dough through the aisles.

Let me buy my pocketless pants in peace. Like, let me do that.

Yeah, not enough room for a pocket. Fuck.

Just wanna throw coins at us, see where we put them.

So wild. [exhales]

I am… I am healthier now.

Because I had a couple moments where I was like,

"Oh, this is not good. I gotta get it together."

Um, when I wasn't feeling… I just wasn't feeling good

and I told a friend, I said,

"Fuck, what if I have diabetes?"

And he said… [gasps] "Are you losing weight rapidly?"

And I was like, "Okay, I guess I don't have diabetes." I…

[audience laughs]

That was a low point. To be jealous of diabetic lifestyle.

Just like, "I wanna have fun sticker." It was, um…

not good.

I have a thyroid disorder. That's my fun.

That's my fun thing.

-Okay. Wow. [laughs] -[audience laughs]

No, I got it because I was born, you know, near Chernobyl.

So I got it from Chernobyl.

-Name-drop. Okay. Um… -[audience laughs]

[laughing]

Uh-- Wha--

Nice. [laughs]

No, I-- I do go to an endocrinologist.

Um, any-- anyone on Levothyroxine?

[women] Whoo!

That… That is my number one target demo, it's girls with thyroid disorders. Okay.

[audience laughs]

But my thyroid doctor once…

I said to her, I go, "I read that coffee is really bad for your thyroid."

"I'm thinking of cutting it out of my life."

And she looked at me and goes, "Liza, coffee's the least of your problems."

[audience laughs]

To be bullied by an endocrinologist, like, fuck. But… [laughs]

Uh… Okay, the other…

My other, like, kind of wake-up moment to get into my health was…

Again, a doctor thing. You know, I'm really into the portal. You know?

Like, for-- [laughs]

Uh, like the-- I'm not Donnie Darko.

Um, not time travel,

but like, um, the patient portal. The patient portal.

I like it. I like communicating with doctors in there.

I just feel like you could do whatever. Because I think it's a great invention.

When I was 16, I remember distinctly calling my gynocologist

in the middle of the night, hysterically crying.

Because I thought I had herpes, and it was…

-Razor burn. Yeah, I know. Razor burn. -[audience laughs]

I was a virgin. I was a virgin. Um, I was virgin.

Just a teen learning how to shave. Ruining my doctor's night. But…

[exhales]

…my…

Now on my patient portal, I wrote to a doctor.

I had back pain. Basically, my back was hurting underneath my ribs

and it wasn't going away. It was like four days in.

So, I finally messaged my doctor.

She called me back.

And, um, she starts asking me all these questions.

'Cause I, legit, was like, "My kidneys are failing."

And so, she asked me all these questions.

And she asks, "Well, did you do any regular physical activity?"

And then it hit me that I had gone bowling.

-And… -[audience laughing]

We only rented the lane for an hour and there was six of us.

So the thought that like…

I thought my kidneys were failing off of a couple bowl--

Yeah, I… I had to get it together.

You know what else sucks?

Has this happened to you where someone tells you

about the worst thing they've done and they couldn't believe it?

And then you have to pretend like you don't do that every day.

[all laughing]

That is tough.

Your everyday lifestyle is someone's, like, rock bottom.

I would say a friend of a friend.

Um, I don't like her. Okay?

But, uh, she was explaining to me

that she got stranded at the airport, all flights canceled.

She couldn't get a hotel. Everything is closed.

And she could-- And then she goes, "Ugh, so I had to go to McDonald's."

"I had a Bic Mac, but I took the middle bun out."

And I had to be like,

"Not a Big Mac! I am…

so sorry."

"That's disgusting."

Every day I have to make a choice to not go to McDonald's.

I love it so fucking much.

Like, I… I could… Yeah.

Yeah, I hate that girl. Honestly, I hope you're watching.

-I, um… -[audience laughs]

I hate her.

[audience cheering]

[sighs]

Oh man.

Yeah, I'm, uh… I'm a menace.

I… I'm a gossip. I talk shit.

I'm a little bit chaotic when it comes to that side of my life. Yeah.

I talk shit. I do.

My therapist said,

"Are you just scared if you're not talking shit,

you don't have anything to say?"

And I said, "Sherry, who's paying who here? I am…

[audience laughs]

…very confused with the way you're speaking to me right now."

No, I deserved it.

I thought a friend and a married friend were fucking.

Then I told everybody and then it was not true.

-And so… -[audience laughing]

I know, but they're still my friends, so how am I gonna learn a lesson?

You know what I mean? Like…

Be fun. [laughs]

Then you can try to destroy a marriage. [laughs]

Then hold their baby at Christmas. Okay.

But, no… [laughs]

I think it's the nice thing to do.

We should let your friends and family talk shit about you.

I really believe that's the kind thing to do.

We're all very difficult. We're annoying.

We're quirky people.

And I think we should let our friends talk shit about us.

I hate when people go, "Say it to my face!"

-You don't wanna hear this. Um… -[audience laughs]

No, no, no, no.

Your marriage is crumbling, we've noticed, so…

If you want me to come over for the barbecue,

I need a half hour.

Um, I need a half hour. I hate your husband.

Okay, um…

No, my friend's husband's the worst.

Like, this is a small example.

One time, we're all hanging out with her. We were, like, having a great time.

He walks in the room.

And he asks, "Hey, where's the frozen fruit?"

It broke me. It broke me. It broke me.

There's a clue in the name. Okay? There's a clue.

Do you have other appliances that freeze shit?

Then get on Shark Tank. How about that? That would be amazing.

Maybe we can respect you for once. Um…

That went too far. That went too far. But… [laughs]

She has to raise kids with a man who doesn't know where frozen fruit--

I just wanna know where he looked. That's it.

I just… I just wanna know where he looked.

But I thought--

I have one friend. Um, so I went over to her house for her birthday party.

But I flew in and all of her friends left.

So I was the only one left.

And we're hanging out,

and I go, "Um, so do you want to talk shit, or…"

And she's… "What?"

And I go, "Everyone left. You wanna talk shit about them?"

And she goes, "Those are my friends and I love them,

and we had a great time."

"I don't know what you're trying to do."

And I said, "Yeah. No, I love them too, but don't you wanna talk about them?"

"Like, I don't… I don't understand."

"I do not understand."

And she would not talk shit. She would not goss-- Nothing.

And so we're hanging out and then I go,

"That one couple, they're just not into marriage."

"They've been together for a while."

And then, she goes,

"She wants to get married, he doesn't. Are you happy now?"

-I'm like, "Yeah." [laughs] -[audience laughs]

"I am." [laughs]

I knew. I knew there was something. I just… I knew it.

I really did.

And the thing is, I'm gonna bring it down. I'm so sorry.

But I do think about fascism a lot. It's, uh…

I do. I think about fascism.

I think about the destruction of what's happening.

I'm… I'm terrified, and then it just goes darker and darker.

Then I'm like, "Oh my God. The labor camps."

"We're gonna be in a labor camp. What am I gonna do?"

And then, I get so scared 'cause, like,

what if I'm still annoying in the labor camp?

[audience laughs]

We think about being physically fit, mentally strong,

but what if you're too chatty for the camps, right?

[audience laughing]

We don't think about that. What if you can't whisper?

What… What if you're a messy bitch who thrives on drama?

Like, what?

The camps are not gonna be good for…

I can see myself digging one day, you know, one of the main camp activities.

Um… [laughs]

Just looking at a guard.

Yeah, we're working. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, we're good.

We're good. We're good.

Nice boots. Uh-huh.

[audience laughs]

Did you see who he fucked? That was hot. [laughs]

And you know I would, uh, take my pajama and make it into a crop top.

Um, fashion forward in the camps.

Um, okay.

Clap if you are a good driver.

[audience clapping]

Okay. Clap if you're a bad driver.

[scattered clapping]

Okay. All right.

Cool. Don't worry. I'm gonna speak on behalf of the bad drivers.

I'm really excited.

And there's so many good drivers here,

so I'm really lucky. Um…

I just wanna change your perspective just a little bit.

I just… Maybe you're not understanding.

So, as a bad driver,

when we make a mistake on the road,

we know what we've done. Okay?

We're not confused. We're on a highway median.

-Okay? Like… -[audience laughing]

Clearly, there's been a mistake, right? Like…

I get what's happening. I've caused it.

And even if I did it…

What are you doing?

What are you do-- What-- Why are you looking at me?

What--

It's me, bitch. I'm scared too. Okay?

[all laughing]

No reason to glare. We know there's a problem.

Stop it.

Stop it.

So when we go into a red light, that's our moment to relax, reflect.

Take a breath.

I just wanna breathe, but I can't 'cause I feel you.

I feel you.

And I don't get it. Like, I know why I'm upset.

I was about to serve 15 for vehicular manslaughter. Okay?

So I know why I'm in a mood, but… [exhales sharply]

Why are you… What's wrong with… Why are you so mad?

Why are you so mad?

I am just a girl in the right lane trying to take a left. You know?

[audience laughing, applauding]

Let me in. [laughs]

Let me in.

I'm not Vin Diesel.

I'm not trying to fuck with your family. Okay?

I'm not trying to Tokyo Drift here.

Like, I… I was just running late.

I thought I found a fun little lane. It wasn't. It wasn't.

It wasn't a secret. It was actually a school drop-off.

Okay? So…

I gotta get back in. I gotta get back in.

It's raining? I can't see. I can't see.

Hot air, cold air.

What button? I don't remember. I don't remember.

I do not remember.

I just need you to know I am trying my best.

JK, I'm on my phone. Okay.

[mimics horn blowing]

[laughing]

[mimics horn blowing]

Listen, that's the end.

Okay. Thank you so much.

[audience cheering]

["What I Want" by MUNA playing]

♪ I'm gonna drink a lot ♪

♪ I'm gonna take a shot ♪

♪ 'Cause that's just What I want, want, want ♪

♪ What I want, want, want ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ And when I see my friend Put something on her tongue ♪

♪ I'm gonna ask for one ♪

♪ 'Cause that's just What I want, want, want ♪

♪ What I want, want, I want ♪

♪ I've spent way too, too, too many years Not knowing what ♪

♪ What I wanted, how to get it How to live it and now ♪

♪ I'm gonna make up for it all at once ♪

♪ 'Cause that's, that's just what I want ♪

♪ I want the full effects I wanna hit it hard ♪

♪ I wanna dance In the middle of a gay bar ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh That's what I want ♪

♪ There's nothing wrong with what I want ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I want the fireworks I want the chemistry ♪

♪ I want that girl right over there To wanna date me ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh That's what I want ♪

♪ There's nothing wrong with what I want ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ She's dancing to the song With all her leather on ♪

♪ I think we'll get along ♪

♪ 'Cause she's got What I want, want, want ♪

♪ What I want, want, I want ♪

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