Original subtitles

- Jamie.

- Jamie! - No!

- Jamie, no!

Jamie!

Jamie! Jamie!

- Please, no, don't do that, please.

Oh, my god!

- Jamie!

- Jamie!

- No! No!

Jamie! - Jamie, no!

- Jamie!

- Jamie.

- No.

You gotta stay with me.

It's over.

We made it.

- I'm sorry.

- No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

- Miss, put the weapon down.

- Put your hands up.

- Jamie, can you tell us anything

about what happened tonight?

Who was that?

Jamie.

Jamie, can you tell us anything about what

happened this evening?

- Miss.

It's over.

- We're here on the scene of a brutal massacre, which

has left four people dead and a community rocked by grief.

What began as a Halloween party in this cabin in the woods

ended in a bloodbath, with police responding

to a call made by sole survivor identified as Jamie Lancaster.

It was outside this peaceful cabin

that Ms. Lancaster was taken into custody just moments ago,

leaving behind a harrowing mystery.

Police investigators are now combing the crime scene

for clues as to what really happened on this fateful

Halloween night.

I never thought the world would end

I thought our love could last

I'm sorry all the things I promised

Never came to pass

- Excuse me.

- Miss, suspects are advised to refrain

from speaking until they have been formally processed

at the station.

- Suspect?

No, there's been a mistake.

I'm the victim.

- What?

- Interview commencing 10:46 PM on Monday, the 31st of October.

Suspect's name is Jamie Lancaster, aged 32.

No previous record.

Ms. Lancaster, you are here because you've been arrested

on suspicion of mass murder.

- I didn't kill anyone.

- Mm-hmm.

The bodies of four victims

were found at the crime scene.

All but one of them were eviscerated.

Two were even missing their heads.

Jamie, I'm just here for the truth,

no matter how strange or bizarre it is.

OK?

- OK.

- What the hell was that?

- You just said--

- All right, let's just start from the beginning, OK?

Ah-- before the screaming.

- Got it.

- Hey. Ooh.

- Hey.

- You got a little--

- Yeah.

- A little-- you're welcome.

So was I right?

- About what?

- About you having fun tonight.

- Playing Spin the Bottle with your old college friends

at a rundown cabin in the woods?

It's not exactly my ideal Halloween.

- OK, sorry.

Then what's Jamie's ideal Halloween?

- Well, how about you and me--

- Mm-hmm.

- --curled up on the sofa, pizza, plus some wine,

and a really shit low-budget horror movie?

- OK, yeah.

That does sound good to me.

- All right!

Listen up.

Firstly, thank you for coming and showing your beautiful

faces here tonight.

It has been too long since the old gang got back together.

- Fuck yeah!

- Secondly, thank you, Daniel, for bringing your rather

wonderful girlfriend, Jamie.

She really is perfect.

Now, on to the big reveal.

- Wait, what's going on?

- It's OK. It's OK.

It's cool.

- Just a little privacy so we can get on

to the real reason we're all here tonight.

- The Eldritch Blade.

- Holy shit, Danny!

You actually pulled through!

- Hey, hey, be careful!

That's 500 years old.

I need to return it to my guy at the university

first thing tomorrow morning-- without a scratch

is what he told me.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- It looks kind of fake to me.

Are you sure you didn't get duped again, Danny?

- Oh, it's the real thing.

Let's summon a monster!

- Seriously.

You're not telling me you actually went along

with all of this, right?

Fuck off.

- Ah!

- No, I'll pass. - Jamie--

- No. - --come on.

- No.

- Daniel, it's fine.

Jamie has a different part to play.

- Wait, what do you mean?

- No!

Daniel!

No!

- No, Daniel!

No!

No!

- Sorry.

One moment.

Come in.

- Did I miss anything?

- No, we were just getting to the good bit.

Continue.

- As I was saying--

No! No!

No!

- Help me!

- Daniel!

- Run!

Run!

- 999.

Hello?

Can anyone hear me?

Hello?

- Jamie?

- Time to send you back to hell, you ugly son of a bitch!

- No.

Stay with me.

It's over.

We made it.

- I'm sorry.

- OK.

I think we've heard enough.

- Wait, what?

- We already know the rest.

No need to go over what happens next.

- That's it?

- We've got everything we need.

- You said you wanted the truth.

I've told you what really happened.

- And it's a great story.

But it's not very original, though, is it?

- A cabin in the woods?

A ritual that summons some kind of monster which conveniently

disappeared.

Oh, and a chainsaw.

I mean, come on.

It's been done.

- This isn't a fucking joke!

Those people tried to kill me tonight.

Now they're all dead, torn apart by something

that I will have nightmares about until the day I die.

And the man I love, he sacrificed

himself to save my life.

If you don't believe me, then believe this.

Whatever power--

--brought that monster into our world is still out there.

More will come.

And if we don't stop it, we are all going to die.

- Oh?

- I'll take it from here.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Can I get you a drink--

tea, coffee, anything?

There are four dead, and the door was locked from the inside.

You were covered from head to toe in blood.

Forensics have already confirmed matches to all

four of the victims.

And when our officers found you, you

are holding the murder weapon

- No, no, I was just telling the others about--

- It's OK, it's OK.

I believe you.

I believe you didn't mean to do this.

You lost control.

Maybe it was a-- a mental break, or you smoked some wacky baccy.

Or maybe you thought those people in costumes

were actual monsters.

Either way, outside of an insanity plea,

you are going to prison for a long time.

Now, how about that tea?

Two sugars?

- Fuck!

We're alone.

What's your name?

- Jamie.

- Oh, that's a pretty name.

I'm Big Jenny.

And you wanna know why they call me Big Jenny?

- No, thank you.

- Oh!

Are you nervous, my little love?

No need to be nervous.

Big Jenny will look after you.

- This can't be happening.

It can't be.

- What's up with you?

- I'm in a jail cell charged for drunk and disorderly.

My last night of freedom, and I'm locked up because of you!

- How is this my fault?

- You downed three bottles of vodka--

- --flashed your tits to the bar staff, and pissed in the corner.

- When you gotta go, you gotta go.

- It was a five-star restaurant!

- Not anymore.

- This was the one night that was meant to be about me.

- Ugh.

It is always about you, love.

Did you even consider what I wanted to do tonight?

- It was my hen party!

- Yeah?

Then why are you acting like such a fucking cock?

- Yeah.

- Unbelievable.

- Hey, look.

Oi.

What's your name?

- Jamie.

- Cristy, this is Jamie.

- Hi, Jamie.

I'm Crystal.

This is Chelsea.

And that fucking mess over there is Ruth.

- Oh.

Hello.

- And who's that?

- Forget about her.

She's just an ungrateful bitch!

So, what are you in here for then?

- Multiple homicide.

Excuse me, Officer.

- Oh, it's Dennis.

And we're not really supposed

to talk to the suspects, so yeah.

- I need to talk to your boss.

- Look, I-- I can't really--

- We are all in danger.

You need to let me out there.

Please.

- Look, whatever happened to you, whatever you did,

You're safe now.

You're in a building full of highly trained professionals.

You're protected by the finest parts of British steel.

And as a last line of defense, you have me.

Nothing gets past me--

- Wahahaha!

Yeah, ho ho!

- Get off me!

Wanker!

- Making friends with the criminals are we again?

You know this one's a murderer, right?

Oh, she didn't tell you.

Oh, that's right.

It's because she didn't kill anyone.

It was the monsters.

You think appealing to his good nature

is going to get you out of here.

- Well, how about I show you my good nature?

- Oof!

Sergeant.

Constable, report.

- Everyone's been processed, all the paperwork is being filed,

and all the personal effects have been properly

stored and cataloged. I'm done.

Can I go to the party?

- Absolutely not.

You're still working off your punishment

for having failed your driving test again.

- I would have passed if it wasn't

for that maniac who cut me off.

- Yes, and they still haven't got that poor kid's bike

out from under the wheel arch.

- Tough luck, mate.

- Yes, well, everything seems to be in order here.

Now, if you don't mind, I have a party to go to.

- Don't worry too much, mate.

I have the perfect job just for you.

- You don't have to do that.

Ah!

- You know the drill, boys.

Well, if it isn't the Brothers Grimm.

- Oh, hey, Casey.

Whoa!

Hey.

I heard you needed some assistance.

- Yeah, what do you need?

I'm up for anything-- spitballing

ideas, formulating motives, testing theories.

- Mopping up.

- Mm-mm-mm

Ooh!

- Don't even think about it!

- Oh, yeah, thanks.

- I had to confiscate the whole lot from last month's

Renaissance fair.

- Wait, this is actually real?

- Razor sharp, so I'd appreciate it

if you don't spill any more blood on my floor.

- Speaking of which, uh, maybe you should get to it.

- Wanker.

- So, these are the victims of the monster?

Well, the only monsters I know are the ones

I put behind bars every day.

- Now, if you really want to help me,

this is the most interesting piece of evidence.

- Oh!

Wait, whoa is this the thing she was making all the fuss about?

- Dennis has a thing for the homicidal brunette in cell 3.

- Well, your new girlfriend said this thing

was used to summon a monster.

- Huh.

Well, I read the transcript.

Isn't this meant to be some kind of sword or something?

- Well,

It's some kind of a five-symbol combination lock.

The only problem is, there's about 45,000 potential

combinations.

- That is one hell of a bike lock.

- But it's not unsolvable.

The symbols are a match for an ancient hieroglyphic writing

system.

Just like those found in the tomb of a long dead civilization

from ancient Mesopotamia.

- That checks out.

- You lost me at hieroglyphics.

- It's odd.

The entire civilization was wiped out about 4,000 BC.

It's a fascinating culture, though.

- Huh.

- They actually worship a deity from beyond our plane

of existence, one which they prophesied would bring

about the end of the world.

Oh, there's even some modern-day cults based on this stuff

- Yeah, one filled with mummy's boys and basement dwellers,

I bet.

So have you got the combination or not?

- Well, I've built a database from all the available source

material, and I'm running a decryption program.

That should identify the most likely combination of symbols.

- Oh, that will unlock this thing?

- Mm-hmm.

- Monsters or not, that thing screams

do not open in a demonic end of days kind of way.

- So I'm going to head to the party.

Rumor is there's going to be cake.

I thought maybe you'd want to come with me?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See you later.

- You won't regret it.

- You wanted to sign off on the evidence from that drug bust

last week. - Oh, thanks.

Just leave it there.

- It turns out they were cutting the stuff with baking soda.

Greedy bastards.

Great for cookie, though.

- How did he get to this?

She was someone's baby girl once.

You do everything you

can to set them on the right path.

But in the end, all you can do is hope they turn out OK.

- Your boys are good kids.

They've got a good mum.

Tough act to follow.

Ain't just them boys that need your love.

We all do.

- Surprise!

- You do know it isn't my retirement for another month?

- Well, we only had the budget for one part of this quarter.

It was a toss-up between Halloween and Christmas.

- Gov told me to take over.

Go and enjoy the party.

- Yes, mate.

- Just make sure that they save me a slice of--

--cake.

- He's back.

Rent-a-cop.

- Help!

Help, she's not breathing!

- No.

- Get over here!

Fucking get over here!

Please!

Fucking please! - Oh, shit.

Uh--

- Come on! Hurry!

Fucking get over here!

Please!

- Stand back.

- Please hurry.

She's not breathing.

- Hey!

Hey!

Can you just stop it?

If you stop it now, then I'll--

- Oh, woo!

- Can you just--

I need the keys.

- Ruth, come on!

Catch! - Ruth?

Ruth, is it? Give me the keys, please.

- Ruth, now!

- Ruth, if you do this, we'll just

forget the whole thing happened.

- Ruth, give me the fucking keys!

Fucking hell, Ruth!

You really are useless.

- What do you think you're doing?

- I'm getting the keys.

- You better not be trying to escape.

- That wouldn't really help my case, now, would it?

Besides, like you said, whether anyone believes me or not,

I'm safe now.

I don't plan on running.

- Well, I don't believe in monsters.

But for what it's worth, I believe you.

- Careful, Romeo.

You know, she's a killer.

- Besides, we've almost finished decoding the combination

on that cool dagger we found in the cabin.

We'll know the truth soon enough.

- What?

- Uh, the keys?

Forget what I just said.

Get back to getting the keys.

- You can't be messing around with that thing.

- Forget what I just said.

The keys-- let's get back to that.

- You have to stop them. - How?

- Better than watching one of my soaps, sis.

- Wait.

What are you talking about?

- The Eldritch Blade.

It's a dagger or sword.

I don't know what it is.

But it summoned a monster that killed everyone at the cabin.

- Whoa, whoa, slow down.

We're just trying to figure out how it works.

Nobody's going to open it until we know what it is.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Fucking--

Oh.

- For she's a jolly good fellow

For she's a jolly good fellow

For she's a jolly good fellow

Which nobody can deny

Which nobody can deny

Which nobody can deny

For she's a jolly good fellow

For she's a jolly good fellow

For she's a jolly good fellow--

- You were this nutter

- And I thought I was the one that was hammered.

- To anyone who's listening, you have to help us.

We are all in danger.

- Dennis?

What's going on?

- Uh, nothing, Larry.

We're all fine down here.

Thanks.

How are you?

- Coming back.

- No, there's no need to come back!

Larry?

- Ooh.

He's in trouble now.

- For she's a jolly good fellow

For she's a jolly good fellow

For she's a jolly good fellow

Which nobody can deny

Which nobody can deny

Which nobody can deny

Say all of us

So say all of us

- Ouch!

- Is this an earthquake?

- I don't like this!

- Ah!

What do we do?

- It's already too late.

- Are you OK?

- I think so.

Is everybody all right?

- I think I banged my head.

Get away from me!

- Big Jenny all right?

- Hey, you all right over there?

I'll take that as a yes.

Uh, what was that?

Ah!

- Sorry.

- This is Officer Larry.

We lost power in the holding cells.

Come in.

Can someone please-- ah!

Ah!

- Larry?

Larry?

- Can't see a fucking thing.

Help.

Help me.

Oh, god.

- H-- help me.

- Larry!

- Shh.

- What are you doing?

- Shh.

I think it's blind.

If we all stay quiet, maybe we can--

- Help.

Help me.

- Open up.

Open up!

- There's an emergency fire axe under the desk!

Believe me now?

- Oh.

- That was amazing.

- More like fucking incredible.

You just dropped your way out of a giant fucking slug.

- Yeah, and I threw up again.

- I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

- None of us did.

Why would we?

No offense, but you did sound like a natural nutter.

- Guv?

Melvin?

Anyone?

Shit.

- Well, that's just fucking brilliant.

Cheers for that, love.

- She literally just saved your life.

- Don't you start.

None of us would even be here if it wasn't for you

and your fucking wedding.

- That's not true.

- Adults are talking.

Go find your bucket.

- There's strength in numbers.

There's the entire local police force upstairs.

We need to go and find reinforcements.

- And get eaten by another one of those things?

Nah, I don't think so.

We're staying here.

- You're so smart, babe.

- Ruth?

- Actually, I was going to go--

- Now.

- OK.

- Ruth, you don't actually have to go.

- Shh.

- All right, this isn't getting us anywhere.

Can we just please--

- Oh, here he goes.

Officer Sexy thinks he's in charge.

- Now wait a minute. I'm just trying to--

- Give it a rest, Crystal.

He's just trying to help.

- Trying to help? Like he helped--

- Yeah, trying to help.

Like I've even come across anything like it--

- Oh, you shut up.

- --train for this at the Academy.

- Listen to me!

I have already survived this thing once,

and I have every fucking intention of doing it again.

Dennis is right.

We cannot do this on our own.

We need to find the others, get our hands on the Eldritch Blade,

and send these fucking monsters back to hell.

- Little kitty's got a scratch.

But if you want to fight a monster, you need a monster.

- Um, sorry.

We'll be fine without you on this, OK?

- Little pig, little pig.

- Unnecessary.

- Are you sure?

- What do you guys think?

- I think he could be useful.

I mean, he looks strong.

- He looks dangerous.

What's he even here for?

- I don't know.

But he's got a bad reputation around here.

- Then he should stay locked up.

- I don't know.

- You should let him out.

He can't be any worse than what's outside.

- OK.

- Your weapon.

- Son of a bitch.

- Maybe he's gone to get help!

- Please come back.

- No!

Stop!

- What the fuck?

Ah!

Help me.

- How much further?

- Dennis.

- Sorry, sorry, I was just still thinking about--

- It even ate him whole. - I know, right?

In one bite. - Didn't even touch his sides.

- Guys, focus.

- Yeah, sorry.

The office is over here.

No.

Ugh.

What the--

- No.

This was a mistake.

We have to hide.

We have to--

- Melvin?

- Ow.

Thanks for that.

You can come out now.

- Governor, you're OK!

- Why are the detainees out of their cells?

- Oh, oh, we were attacked.

Jamie saved our lives.

- Well, I'm glad you're OK, but we

need to remain in control of the situation.

- Ah!

- With all due respect, this isn't like anything

you've dealt with before.

- Well, ain't that the fucking understatement of the century.

- Sergeant, we need to keep a level head.

- You saw what it did to them.

Simmons, Davis, and Gordon.

- Bob.

Bob. Did they get Bob?

What about Bob?

- You're standing on him!

- Oh, yeah.

- What did this?

- So much screaming and so much frosting!

- Sorry, did you just say frosting?

- Oh, fuck!

Oh!

- Walter, no!

- Oh, no.

Hey!

No!

Oh!

- Take this!

- Did anybody else see the--

- Monster cake?

Yeah.

- Oh, good.

It wasn't just me then.

- 90% baking soda.

Thank god for shitty drug dealers.

- So the blade emerged after they turned these dials.

That's when the monster showed up and the whole nightmare

dimension thingy outside.

- But you used it to get rid of them,

if I have everything right.

- My boyfriend did.

He changed the combination, stabbed the monster, and poof,

everything went back to normal.

- Did you see the combination?

- Casey.

- Yeah, yeah, she was decoding it on the computer.

Maybe the answer's there.

- Then that's the plan.

I say we take the fight to these bastards,

grab whatever weapons we have, and go

batshit crazy on their asses.

- How much sugar did she put in that?

- I don't think that was sugar.

- Oh.

- All right.

We are going to fight our way to the forensics lab,

get the dagger, and put an end to this nightmare.

You're not the final girl anymore, Jamie.

This time, we all survive.

- Let us take this one, boss.

I guess you aren't kids anymore.

- Don't worry, Mum.

We still need you.

You're gonna be with us every step of the way

- Melvin, look after your brother.

There are weapons in the lab.

Protect yourselves.

Stay safe.

- Don't worry.

We got this.

- We don't got this!

We don't got this!

- Run, Preston!

- No, not yet.

- Be ready.

Who knows what could be waiting for us inside?

On three.

1, 2, 3.

- Oh.

- Well, look who decided to finally show up.

- Chelsea!

You still alive.

- Blair, you're OK.

- Sit.

- I'm glad you're OK, Ruth.

- No thanks to you, leaving us to rot in that cell.

- You demanded to stay in there!

Look, this isn't gonna to us anywhere.

Where's Casey? - Who?

- Labcoat, goggles, has this cute, nerdy thing going on.

- We haven't seen her.

Oh, hi, I'm Ruth.

- Hi, Ruth.

I'm Melvin.

- Hi Melvin.

Are you OK?

- I am now.

- What?

- Really?

Really?

- Where's the Eldritch Blade?

- It was right here.

- We've got another problem.

Looks like someone smashed up the computer.

- Oh, what the fuck are we gonna do now?

- Ugh!

- Hey, let me take a look.

- I'm fine!

Sorry.

We were just so close.

- Um, excuse me.

I can probably fix that.

The motherboard seems intact.

I just need to repair some of the ATX cables

and then reseat the RAM module.

And a simple bios flash should be

able to restore whatever software was already running.

- Ruth, how do you know all this?

- Oh, I have a master's in computer engineering.

- Nerd.

- Then there's still a chance.

- Ready to fuck shit up?

- Hell, yes.

- We'll go find your friend Casey.

With any luck, she'll still have the Eldritch Blade.

- And if she doesn't have your weird dagger thingy?

- Oh, either way, we'll find it.

- Ah!

- Blair, you stay here with Ruth.

Protect that computer at all costs.

- Who put her in charge?

- Shut the fuck up, Chelsea.

- Are you sure you wouldn't have been safer

staying with the others?

- Mum!

- Don't worry.

These guys bro with him.

- Ah!

- That doesn't fill me with confidence.

- You did it!

You're amazing!

- Oh.

This might take a while.

- At least I've got good company.

- I'm gonna go check the corridor.

- Babe, don't go.

Look what I just found.

- Save me some.

- Let's keep this hen party going, ladies.

- Casey.

- Shh!

- Hello?

- Casey, you in there?

- Come here, Melvin.

Come here.

- Oh, I don't think I'm allowed in the women's showers.

Remember we had that HR briefing about it.

- Melvin, I need you.

- Pfft. Trap.

- Oh, yeah.

- Well, we have to help her.

What if she's hurt?

- You go first.

We'll hide and watch your back.

- Why me instead of Davis?

- We need the strongest and bravest person

to take the lead on this one.

- Yeah, that's true, actually.

I should go first.

- For protection.

- Casey?

Casey?

Are you decent?

- Melvin.

- Oh.

- Melvin.

Come to me.

- Oh, this is a trap.

This is definitely a trap.

Oh, god.

- Oh, god.

- Melvin?

Melvin.

- This is where I die.

- Come to me.

- Oh, it's a way to go.

Hi.

- Come to me, Melvin.

- You want this, don't you?

- Yes, I-- I would love that, thank you.

- Come here.

- No.

- Come to me.

- No, no, no, no.

- Come to me!

- I will come to you.

- Come to me.

Come.

Come.

- Ugh.

Melvin!

Melvin!

- Uh, what the--

oh, god.

- Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh, god!

No, no, no!

Do something!

- Sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

- Oh, Casey.

I'm so sorry.

- Go, go.

Go, go, go.

- Ah!

- Go.

- Hey, I think you should come look at these.

- The ugly fucker has friends.

- What have you done now?

- I'll sort this.

- Crystal, I really don't think you should--

- Let her take a look.

- Hello?

- Oh!

- Ah!

Get off me.

- Ruth, Blair, come in.

- Hello?

Ruth, yeah, who is it?

- We have the dagger.

Please tell me you have the proper--

- Oh, hi, Jamie!

Oh!

- Die!

- You got it?

- Almost.

Are you going to come back?

We could really use your help.

- We can't risk leading back to you.

He's obsessed.

- Did you get that, Mum?

- I'm on my way.

- Yes!

Yeah!

- You fat fuck.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

- Give it to me!

Give it to me!

- Oh, come on!

- Yes!

- Yes!

- Woo!

- Go.

- Chelsea, let's go!

- Dennis, what happened in here?

- Later, Mum!

- Close the door. Close it!

- Close it.

Give me that.

- Do you have it?

- You do it. - No, no.

You'll be quicker.

- Show me what to do.

- That one.

- OK, next.

- This one next.

- OK, we need to go faster.

- Just one more.

OK, yeah.

- Wait.

Something isn't right.

- What do you mean? We did it.

You have the dagger.

You have the combination.

Just enter it already!

- No, no, we can't hold this much longer!

- This doesn't add up.

Back at the lab, these symbols, they're

all part of a ritual, a sacrifice.

- Stop fucking around!

- Let her speak.

- At the cabin, you were the sacrifice.

But they didn't kill you.

- We really don't have time for this, Ruth!

- Guys!

- Blair, you need to trust me.

It's now or never.

- I trust her.

Do it!

- I'm telling you, the whole thing is gone.

I'm looking at a dirty big hole in the ground.

Never mind.

- Did it work?

We did it.

We did it.

- We did it. - We did it.

- Oh, my god, yeah!

We fucking did it.

- No.

- I'm so proud of you.

Both of you.

- Oh, you're amazing.

You didn't.

You finished.

- I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

- Hey.

We did it.

You did it.

Jamie?

- You're safe now.

The thing can't hurt you anymore.

It's over.

- You're right.

I'm not afraid anymore.

But you should be.

- For fuck's sake, you two, let's--

- Jamie!

- I was never Jamie.

I am the destroyer of worlds, the neverending darkness,

the abyss at the edge of the universe,

basically, the mother of all monsters.

- Not so fast.

I want to thank you all for giving me back my power.

The Eldritch Blade was the only thing powerful enough

to imprison me.

And thanks to you, I'm finally free.

- Jamie, what the fuck is happening?

- Oh, sweet and simple Dennis.

How can I help you understand?

- She wasn't lying about the monster in the cabin.

There was a monster.

It was her.

- What happened to Jamie?

- Oh.

There was a girl called Jamie who went to the cabin.

- No! No!

Wait!

- But she died there.

- Isn't there supposed to be some kind of monster?

- It should have worked.

I don't--

- Did we just kill someone for no reason?

- Only in death, her body served a higher purpose.

Behind you.

- Oh!

- Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

- Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Hey, sweetie.

Oh.

- Jamie?

- Wait right there.

She really did love you.

- I loved her, too.

- Jamie?

- What the hell have you done to me?

- Somehow the fool found a way to bind me to this mortal body.

- Ugh!

- Whatever he did prevented me from using the dagger myself.

But my new, vulnerable flesh gave me an idea.

With Jamie's feeble body, I'd also gained her memories.

I just had to set the scene--

- Please, just come and help me.

- --and play the part of the traumatized final girl--

- Hmm.

- --bringing me right where I needed to be.

All I had to do was wait.

You humans are so curious, so easy to manipulate.

- I don't believe in monsters, but I believe you.

- We need the Eldritch Blade.

- You used it to get rid of them,

if I have everything right. - You changed the combination.

Everything went back to normal. You need to trust me.

- I trust her!

- Do it!

- Now that my powers have been unshackled from the dagger,

I will use this new form to plunge your world

into eternal torment piece by piece,

until all life on this planet ceases to be.

And I have all of you to Thank for the pain and destruction

to come.

- Let her go.

- Sorry, what was that?

- Let her go!

- Ooh, look who finally found their voice.

A little late for character development, don't you think?

So--

- --wanna go first?

- Yes!

- You have the right to remain silent, bitch.

- No.

- Well, that was rude.

- Ah! - Mum!

- No!

Damn it!

Take your brother and run!

- No.

- Not so fast, Dennis.

- You're going to fucking die for that.

- You should thank me.

I've spared your mother for what is yet to come.

You won't be so fortunate.

Time to go home.

- Blair!

Blair!

Come on, get up.

We need to get up Blair.

Come on.

Go, go, go.

We gotta go now.

We gotta go now!

- Ugh.

- What the hell is happening?

Could somebody tell me what the fuck is going on?

Where's the inspector?

Dennis?

- She's dead.

They're all dead!

- This is all my fault. I knew something was wrong,

but I didn't put my foot down.

- No, it was my fault. I convinced you all to trust her.

- Oh, stop wanking each other off!

It's over.

Donnie.

Mum's dead.

Almost got eaten by a fucking cake.

You punched me in the face.

You are lovely, actually.

And you, the second I laid eyes on her,

I didn't trust a fucking city.

You didn't listen to me. You didn't fucking--

- All right, hey. - --listen to me, did you?

- All right.

All right.

- It's all about the Eldritch Blade.

- But we don't have it.

- Jamie, or whatever she's actually called,

told us the dagger trapped her in a mortal form, took away

her power.

- She was just as mortal as you and me.

- Exactly.

So all we have to do is get the dagger

and put it in the right combination this time.

- Then she turns back into being a plain old girl.

And--

- Then we kill the bitch!

- Oh, yeah.

That's great.

How would you intend to do that without the combination?

- Because I have it right here.

- It was burned into my hand.

- The combination.

- The acid was on her the entire time.

- What?

- We get the blade, we put in the combination,

then we stab the bitch.

- Simple.

- OK, how do we get back in?

- --around the world.

Scientists are baffled by the sudden and localized storms,

which appear unlike anything else in nature.

- Well, you weren't telling me what was going on.

- Live footage from this terrifying phenomenon.

Ladies and gentlemen, I can confirm

that the footage you are seeing is real.

The British government has ordered the deployment

of the armed forces to aid in the evacuation efforts,

with soldiers already being spotted

on the streets of several.

- We need to go through that.

We need to go through that ball.

- How?

- Now, hold on.

There is no way that you're going--

- OK.

Everyone happy with the plan?

- Happy is a strong word.

- Wait, what am I supposed to do?

- Uh, go find help.

The army would be good.

- I'll see what I can sort out.

- Do you wanna drive, Dennis? - Really?

- Fuck off.

- You've arrived at your destination.

- Oh, nailed it.

- It's never this quiet.

- Yeah, we're normally running and screaming at this point.

- I like it.

The quiet, that is.

Not the running and screaming.

- We stick to the plan.

- She's got herself a little throne.

Let's do this.

- Uh, I got an idea.

Oi!

- So you're the last hope for humanity then, a blundering cop

and his idiot brother.

- Don't talk about him that way.

- She was talking about you, mate.

- You're already too late.

Soon the whole world will be mine.

- We're going to make you pay for what you've done.

- Aw.

Are we still upset about Mummy?

Oh, dear.

- Don't talk about her.

- Look, I do like our little chats,

but are we going to talk all day,

or should we get down to business?

- Oh, we were just playing for time.

- Do it!

- Oh, shit.

- Yeah!

- Oh, I actually caught it!

I--

- Surprise, motherfuckers!

- No!

- Did you miss me?

- Have some fun with her.

- Just go.

Go, go, go.

- Well, while they catch up, why don't you keep me entertained?

- Here's our friend I dreamt up for my little story

at the cabin.

It's only fitting that you should meet him in the flesh

so he can strip you of yours.

- I got your back, bro.

- I know.

- Oh, this should be fun.

- Ruth!

- Help me!

- I'm coming!

Ruth!

- Isn't this nice?

The whole hen party back together again.

- Surprise.

- Not you, too, Crystal.

- It's just like old times, babe.

- Yeah, except technically, we're now dead.

- Yeah.

My fucking neck is killing me.

- I'm sorry this happened to you.

I really am.

Just let Ruth go.

It's me you want.

- Oh, here she goes again.

It is always about you!

I've been your best friend since we were six years old.

- Maybe now's not the time for this conversation.

- And now you want to replace me with this nerd?

I don't think so.

You are--

- Oh, my god.

Can you just shut the fuck up?

Can we just fight?

- Yeah, with no weapons.

Just bare knuckle, bitch!

- You get her, babe.

Ugh!

- Yes!

- A lucky shot.

- I've always thought you should have been head bridesmaid,

Crystal.

- Shut up.

Wait, what?

- You've always been the prettiest and the smartest.

I know that you think that, too.

- Yeah, obviously.

- Are you really going to let Chelsea

take all the glory for herself?

- Wait here.

Wait a minute.

Look after this for me.

- Well, that was easy.

- Ah!

- Come on, girl.

- Ah!

- I didn't think you had it in you.

You're finally stepping up.

Too late.

But at least you'll die on your own two feet.

- Whatever happens to me, you're already dead.

- You know your problem, Blair?

You're so naive.

- Ah!

- Ah!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ah!

Ugh!

- I'm afraid you're not going to make your wedding.

- Oi!

- Hmm?

- Heads up, bitch!

- Oh.

- Wow.

- Catch!

- Well, that was fun.

Round two?

- I love you, man.

- I love you too, brother.

- Hey!

- Mind if we join the party?

- Are you OK?

- Yeah.

- No!

- I have lived for eons, consumed countless worlds.

I will not be defeated by a witless--

- Oh, shut the fuck up!

- It's over.

- We did it.

- We did it!

Oh, yeah!

- Oh, she'd be so proud of you.

- Both of us, man.

- This should have been yours to begin with.

How about it?

Have a bridesmaid?

- You're going to make me throw up.

- No, I'm being serious.

- Oh.

- It's sad, really, when you think about it.

She was just a girl who got possessed

by a monster at a cabin in the woods.

It really makes you think.

- Yeah.

Should we get the hell out of here?

- Fuck yes.

- Well, what now?

- Therapy.

- Get down.

- Fire!

- Hold fire.

- She's not going to get up from that now, is she?

- You brought help!

- I brought up the army, fella, yeah!

The brass wants to speak to you two, yeah?

- I'm impressed.

You just closed a class IV dimensional incursion

with no training.

Who's in charge of this unit?

- My brother, Dennis Landry.

- Well, Inspector Landry, with limited resources

against all the odds, you just saved the world.

I represent a division of the armed forces which deals

with these kinds of threats.

We've been fighting a secret war against the monsters

for centuries.

What you faced tonight is nothing

compared to what's out there.

But now, with the Eldritch Blade in your hands,

we finally have a chance to turn the tide.

We need an experienced team who can face these threats head-on.

We need you.

So what do you say?

Are you ready to get started?

- Uh--

I never thought the world would end

I thought our love could last

I'm sorry all the things I promised

Never came to pass

A force of nature so complex

We'll never understand

But the rapture's gonna be a party

If you take my hand

I shoulda have noticed

And got me some recognition

For talent I can only assume I have

I gotta control this

Sign terms and align conditions

Perfection in my victory laugh

Now I'm ready to own it

Make short work of the competition

The world his got to learn to pay up

I never would have known it

The luxury only given

To those who have the time to wake up

Don't call me naive

It's not nice to make assumptions like these

I just want to live my life in peace

While friends surround me

I never thought the world would end

I thought our love could last

I'm sorry all the things I promised

Never came to pass

A force of nature so complex

We'll never understand

But the rapture's gonna be a party

If you take my hand

Apocalypse noted

My head can't relax, stay buried

When everything around it's on fire

I know I've been quotes

I told you that I'd be ready

That the end is something I have desired

But now that I'm shown it

The fault in what I believed in

I don't wanna face it alone

The future encoded

Locked tight in the highest building

One day we will claim as our home

One day we can lead a Fast & Furious style family

And we'll drive into the sunset

With our fortune in the backseat, baby

I never thought the world would end

I thought our love could last

I'm sorry all the things I promised

Never came to pass

A force of nature so complex,

We'll never understand

But the rapture's gonna be a party if you take my hand