Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL: Credit is weird.

People have to buy stuff off it.

Especially stuff they don't need.

But, when it comes time to pay,

they'll do anything not to.

Especially if they're broke, like me.

Mom.

Marshall.

You wouldn't be trying to sneak outta here

without me seeing you, would you?

Me?

Nah, why would I do a thing like that?

Oh, gee, I don't know.

Silly me.

I thought you might be trying to not pay me

what you still owe me for this,

"disguise yourself, so even your mother won't recognize you" kit.

Did I buy that? Hmm.

You said if you didn't have it, you would burst into flames.

I charged it on credit, so,

pay up or take it back to the World O'Stuff.

MARSHALL: Mr. Radford? Mr. Radford,

I need to return this disguise kit you sold me. MR. RADFORD: No.

No.

No, no, no!

Is that a definite "no" or a maybe "no"?

It says on my warranty I can return it.

Where? In the fine print.

Let me see that.

The IRS is sending a man to audit me,

you know what that means?

Oh, of course you don't.

All you know from taxes is what you pay on your gum.

Well, you've got a heck of a surprise coming.

I forgot to pay my income tax.

For 12 years,

mayor called, but already it slipped my mind.

It's an honest mistake, I'm sure they'd understand.

Understand?

The IRS?

They are ruthless, heartless bureaucrats with one goal in life.

Making me pay.

Why, the average IRS agent would make

the Devil himself seem like Mr. Rogers.

[DOOR BELL DINGING]

Good afternoon, Donald Jerkinlagen Hagenflagen is the name.

But you can just call me "The Donald."

You can call me The Marshall.

The Simon here.

Just plain Radford.

You know, it kills me to see a business like this

not living up to it's earning potential? [SMIRKS]

You can say that again.

Maybe I can help you.

Normally, I don't handle accounts this small,

but I like you. You're my kinda people.

You've gotta think big.

If you let me handle a promotion,

ads, TV spots, PR, I guarantee you'll clean up.

I'll stake my reputation on it.

What's in it for you?

Close your eyes.

And imagine...

You are wearing a short-sleeved, Hawaiian shirt.

Masculinely unbuttoned to the navel.

You have on a gold watch so heavy,

that all the ladies gladly clad in bikinis

are flocking to you.

The sea breeze is blowing your expensively,

yet subtly darkened hair.

[STAMMERS] I'm on a vacation.

Picture yourself on a boat.

Ooh, I look very macho.

It's a big boat.

Oh, ah! A very big boat.

A yacht!

Oh, brother.

Picture yourself owning that yacht.

Repeat after me,

I deserve to own that yacht.

I deserve to own that yacht.

If you don't sell every item in this store within 72 hours,

you don't owe me a thing.

Where do I sign?

Aren't you gonna read it first?

Why? You can't lose.

It's a win-win situation.

Yeah, hey, how do I look?

Like a million bucks.

When do we start?

We already have.

MARSHALL: Normally, Mr. Radford didn't top my worry list.

But being broke made him an easy mark.

I didn't have a clue what was in that contract.

But a little voice inside me was screaming,

"Do not rust the dude with a ponytail

who's first name is 'The.'"

Danger. Eerie weirdness directly ahead.

Danger.

It didn't take long for The Donald to overhaul the World O'Stuff.

Radford was the poster child for suckers everywhere.

Was I the only one who thought The Donald should be renamed "The Slime"?

Hey, Radford, what's going on? Advertising.

MR. RADFORD: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

One more. One more. Ooh. THE DONALD: Yeah, I give awesome. All right, bye.

Ooh, I'm gonna be so rich, I'm gonna stink.

THE DONALD: Yeah, we're gonna need more air time and more promotional spots.

No, don't worry, the agency I represent is one of the oldest in existence.

Branches in every corner of the globe.

When the bill comes due, you'll be promptly taken care of.

That's right.

MR. RADFORD: Yes! Hold on. Psst.

Huh?

THE DONALD: Hey, kid. Huh?

What's in the coat?

Well, no, nothing. Just, uh, browsing.

Ah. Catch!

Gee, I wonder how all those got in there.

Busted!

It's people like you who ruin

the shopping experience for everyone else.

Yeah, well, you know, uh...

I think my mommy's calling me now, so...

Not so fast, kid.

How do you like a job?

Job? Me? [LAUGHS]

You must be joking.

Um, Mr. Radford?

I don't mean to butt in, but I don't think that...

I like your initiative, son.

DASH X: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What's in it for me?

A juicy slice of the profit pie

when the money starts rolling in.

All right, where do I sign?

On the little, dotted line.

Always wanted a career in retail.

MARSHALL: These two couldn't deserve each other more.

Dash X and The Donald, both thought they were outsmarting the other one.

They were both pulling scams.

The only question was, whose scam will win?

One thing I knew for sure, who would lose.

Mr. Radford.

Trust me, that's it, sign right there. There you go.

Yeah!

[MAN ON TV] Here it is, the definitive answers

to the JFK assassination,

the Iran-Contra cover up,

the cure for the common cold,

and our hidden videotape of Madonna's horrid affair with...

[LAUGHING]

Hey, wake those neighbors, bring those kids,

because the moment all of Eerie has been waiting for

is finally here.

The World O'Stuff is having its midnight madness sale.

How much does it cost?

Maybe that's the problem with this world,

everybody wants to know the price of everything,

and the value of nothing.

There's no money down. [LAUGHS]

* No money down!

There's no applications to fill out.

With our E-Z Credit.

DASH X: Could even I get credit?

It's so easy!

All you have to do is sign.

* You just can't get enough

* You just can't get enough

* You just can't get enough

* At the World O'Stuff

No money...

E-Z Credit.

That white guy in the commercial's kinda cute.

It's only 9 o'clock. I can't keep my eyes open.

I'm gonna hit the hay.

[ALL YAWN]

* Just can't get enough

* Just can't get enough

MARSHALL: My brain is very important to me.

That's why I'm super picky about what I put into

the little laboratory on my neck.

Were these commercials knocking useful information

outta my brain to make room for all this advertising mush?

[MUMBLING]

Wake up.

* Shop at the World O'Stuff

* Because you need the stuff

* Shop at the World O'Stuff

* 'Cause you can't enough Don't think it over

* Don't think it over

[MUMBLING] Just can't get enough.

* Just can't get enough, ooh

* At the World O'Stuff

Would you rather be?

Shopping.

I'm dreaming.

Wake up.

Come on, Marshall, you can do it, wake up.

He's still resisting the advertising.

It's time for more drastic measures.

[GROWLING]

I've heard of subliminal advertising,

but this is ridiculous.

* Just can't get enough

[SCREAMING] No!

* Just can't get enough

MAN: Yeah, I can almost taste it.

* Just can't get enough

* At the World O'Stuff

[LAUGHING] [GLASS BREAKING]

[DOG BARKING] [DOOR SHUTS]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

MARSHALL: What are you doing, Dad?

[EDGAR MUMBLING] Just can't get enough.

MARSHALL: What's the matter?

You can't get enough of what, Dad?

Just can't get enough.

MARSHALL: I'll take that. [EDGAR CONTINUES MUMBLING]

MARSHALL: I was seeing a side of Dad's personality I'd never seen before.

It was as if his mental underpants were showing.

He was sleepwalking, and all I could think was,

if this could happen to me when I fall asleep,

I never wanted to sleep again.

[ALL CHANTING] Just can't get enough.

My family, most of Eerie were behaving

like lemmings in PJs.

Some subterranean urge was drawing them

like moths to a flame.

SIMON: Marshall, thank goodness you're awake.

What's goin' on? I don't know.

Everybody's sleepwalking to the World O'Stuff.

We better get over there, come on.

[ALL CONTINUE CHANTING]

MARSHALL: Simon and I approached the World O'Stuff.

It became clear that I wasn't the only one

who was shopping in his dream.

[UPBEAT SONG PLAYING]

[ALL MUMBLING]

Buy, buy, buy. Spend, spend, spend.

No money down.

* You just can't get enough, Oh, no

* You just can't get enough

* At the World O'Stuff

[ALL ARGUING]

It's mine, I saw it first.

MARSHALL: Just when you think you have a handle

on how weird Eerie is during the day,

the whole town does a belly flop at night.

There you go.

MARSHALL: Weird stuff was happening so fast

that I had an urge to buckle up my seat belt.

Was Eerie turning into a town of shopping zombies in PJs?

Were Dash and Radford getting sucked into a spiraling vortex of greed?

Was there anything I could do to stop Eerie from signing it's life away?

The World O'Stuff Midnight Madness Sale

was completely insane.

The Donald was unleashing

weird, hidden consumer fantasies in Eerie.

Were people buying stuff they secretly wanted?

Or was all of the advertising creating new desires

for stuff they didn't need?

MAN: How do I look?

Fabulous!

* I just can't get enough

Young lady! Young lady!

Check this out. This so comfortable, you won't even know it's on.

Radford, you gotta stop them.

Marshall, you're overreacting.

Nothing's going on here but a little, harmless capitalism.

Besides, everybody's having such a good time.

I'll take ten of these.

Mom, get down from there, you'll get hurt.

You gotta stop this.

They don't even know what they're buying.

Hey, it's the American way.

Listen, Mr. The,

nobody turns my family into zombies and gets away with it.

They're not zombies, they're consumers.

Yeah, besides, how can you tell the difference?

Come on, Simon, we're getting outta here.

I'll be back.

I'm sure you will.

And don't forget, we're open 24 hours.

[SNICKERING]

MARSHALL: Simon and I retreated to the secret spot.

The only place we felt safe from Eerie's midnight weirdness sale.

We had to take extraordinary measures to stay awake.

[DOG BARKING]

SYNDI: Let's get breakfast. Wait a minute, I hear something.

[EDGAR MUMBLING]

MARSHALL: They're home.

[EDGAR SINGING]

EDGAR: Good morning!

MARSHALL: Dad, do you know who I am?

Of course, Son, what a silly question.

Ah, thank God, you're back, you're normal.

Thanks, I think.

My God, what happened?

What's this doing here?

Don't you remember? Not really.

* You just can't get enough

Oh, boy.

I can't seem to keep my eyes open.

And I think I need a... Nap.

Just can't get enough.

Dad? [YAWNS]

I had the greatest dream last night.

Hmm, me too.

I dreamt I was shopping at the World O'Stuff. The World O'Stuff?

Yeah, they were having the greatest sale.

Mom. Yes, Marshall?

MARSHALL: Even professional weirdness investigators

like Simon and me weren't immune to the onslaught of advertising.

Finally sleep got the better of us.

And we too became shopping zombies.

[BOTH CHANTING] Just can't get enough.

* Just can't get enough

* You just can't get enough

Well, looky what we have here.

THE DONALD: Welcome shoppers!

[IN A ROBOTIC VOICE] We want to buy something we don't need.

On credit.

Well, you're lucky. I have just two things left.

This one's for you.

And I guess you won't need your money back on this anymore.

THE DONALD: Excellent selections!

Now all you have to do is sign on the little, dotted line.

There... we go.

Yup, and here... we are!

[ALARM BLARING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

That's it, I'm out of stuff.

[EXCITEDLY] I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich!

Well...

I'll take my piece of pie now.

Yeah. [LAUGHS] You know...

It's not really so simple.

[PHONE RINGING] Oh!

[RADFORD SINGING EXCITEDLY]

Yo. Boss.

Yeah. [LAUGHS]

You are so right.

Excuse me.

[RADFORD SINGING EXCITEDLY]

* Oh, I'm rich, I'm rich

I'm gonna be rich!

...leaves anything as long as it means a vacation from him,

and that Dash X kid hasn't got a clue,

He thinks he's getting a piece of the pie.

So, send in the buses.

It's time for the good citizens of Eerie to go to the mall.

[LAUGHS WICKEDLY]

[ANGRILY] Nobody, but nobody messes with my piece of pie.

DASH X: Yo!

Zombies!

Wake up! Hello?

Thanks, I needed that.

Hey, what's the idea?

What are we doing?

Don't tell me we fell asleep and bought this stuff.

I'm afraid so.

SIMON: This is very cool.

But why did they make a lamp just for some guy in your paper route?

[CAWING]

Just tell me one thing.

Did we sign anything while we were sleep shopping?

What is it? Fine print.

SIMON: That's a dot. MARSHALL: A speck of dirt.

Bring it closer.

[CAWING]

Hang on, we need more magnification.

MARSHALL: Here it is.

Fine print.

[MARSHALL READING]

Blah, blah.

Oh, here it is.

"If buyers don't pay in full in cash,

The Donald Incorporated gets to repossess their souls."

SIMON: What does he want with our souls?

He doesn't have one of his own.

Wait a minute.

He said something about busing everyone to the mall.

BOTH: The mall?

THE DONALD: All right, all aboard, let's go on aboard.

Plenty of room for everybody.

That's right, boss, every single citizen is boarding

even as we speak.

Not a single soul left.

That's right, biggest 24 hour haul since the last days of Rome.

Real Old Testament style...

What's going on? Hey, don't worry, kid, you're gonna love the mall.

What's the matter?

Don't you wanna shop forever and ever and ever?

[LAUGHING]

All aboard!

All aboard!

Mr. Radford, what's happening? You gotta stop it.

[YAWNING] I'd like to, Marshall, I really would, but...

we all signed the contracts.

A deal's a deal.

[DOOR BELL DINGS]

THE DONALD: You sign, you go. Caveat emptor, kid.

Let the buyer beware.

[SCREAMING] Ah, no!

DASH X: He's running. He'll be back.

Nobody escaped this bill, death and taxes, huh, Radford?

Hey, guys, I'm really sorry.

But, uh, there's no way to beat this guy.

We did it to ourselves I guess.

I never realized that shopping could be so deadly.

MAN: Um, excuse me.

Which of you is Bartholomew J. Radford?

A social security number 9-5-1-9-6-1-2-3-5.

That's me. Oh.

Internal Revenue Service.

I... [STAMMERS]

IRS?

We have an audit to go to.

It seems you haven't filed a return since 1979.

Do I have a choice here?

Couldn't I just go straight to Hell instead?

Sorry, Mr. Radford, but your trip will have to wait.

I'll be needing all your store receipts.

DASH X: But he doesn't have 'em.

He does.

B-But...

But these are mine.

These are my contracts.

Maybe you didn't hear me.

Internal Revenue Service.

[STUTTERING]

There you go, sir.

I'd like you to know that Mr. Radford was

cooperating fully in this matter.

Thank you.

MARSHALL: The Donald wasn't a good loser.

There are only two things that are certain in this world

according to Benjamin Franklin.

Death and Taxes.

Two hundred years later in Eerie, old Ben had no idea how right he was.

[CAWING]

[ALL YAWNING]

What happened?

Where are we?

Marilyn, what are you doing outside in your nightie?

Think I'm gonna ask you the same thing.

We've all got sides to our personality

we usually never get to see.

Marshall? DASH X: Wow.

Just like on TV.

[CHUCKLES] The disguise kit I sold you.

You know, gentlemen, this has taught me a valuable lesson.

The best thing in life cannot be bought or sold,

it has no price and without it,

nothing matters.

Well, what is it?

Soul.

That's "a soul," Simon.

MR. RADFORD: Boy, that was a close one.

MARSHALL: Yeah, the devil almost got you, huh?

MR. RADFORD: No, I almost got audited.

MARSHALL: Eerie's souls were safe for the time being.

At least until Radford's audit was over.

And you know, with the IRS, that could take an eternity.

[ALARM BLARING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]