Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL: Sometimes it gets tough battling the forces of Eerie by myself,

even with a little bit of help from Simon,

but I always thought I could count on mom and dad

for a dose of normality.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

But then dad joined The Loyal Order of Corn,

Eerie's version of the Moose Lodge,

and started spending all his free time there,

which drove mom crazy.

I'd never even noticed the place.

Kind of makes me wonder what else I haven't noticed.

A little order, please.

Come to order.

[MURMURINGS]

Thank you.

I give you... the Kernel.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

Thank you. Thank you Seedlings,

Knee-highs,

Third-degree ears of The Loyal Order of Corn.

[PIANO NOTES PLAYING]

[CAWING]

As usual, we'll begin with our song,

"Hail to Thee, O Ears of Splendor."

* Hail to Thee, O Ears of Splendor

* Joyously we pledge our job

* We declare Our staunch allegiance

* To protect your kingly cob

* With fidelity And devotion... *

Uh... excuse me, sir. Is there, uh...

anything specific I should be doing?

Simply watch... and learn.

I can't believe I'm actually here,

at The Loyal Order of Corn.

Simon, you've lived in Eerie all your life.

What's the big deal anyway.

It's just a weirdo Lodge.

People say they run things.

People say you better do as they say.

Have people noticed they are a bunch of goons in stupid hats?

Come on. [SINGING CONTINUES]

* There sprouts a Hardy

* Sturdy stalk

* The Loyal Order

* Of Corn

[DRAMATIC GONG]

[LOW RUMBLING]

You know what that means, brother huskers.

Time to enter the inner sanctum!

Seedling Teller, are you prepared?

I submit.

Come forward.

Attaboy!

[CAWING]

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

[CAWING]

DASH X: Hey, you punks! Get out of there.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL: I could only imagine what kind of vicious security thugs

The Loyal Order of Corn used.

Well, well, well!

If it isn't Thelma and Louise!

What're you doing here?

I work here.

Since when? Since this afternoon.

Boy, only...

six hours on the job and I've nabbed myself a couple of intruders.

Boy, is Ned gonna be happy!

You're not gonna to turn us in.

Oh, why wouldn't I?

All right, if I give you ten bucks,

would you forget you saw us?

Forget who?

All right, get out of here.

This is very private stuff, very hush-hush.

I can't. My old man's in there.

So?

Marshall's worried about... Simon!

Oh, you're breaking my heart. [SNICKERS]

All right.

Come on. Give me your best shot, Teller.

What?

[OWL HOOTING]

All right. If I give you another five bucks,

would you let us in?

I didn't... quite hear you.

All right. Ten bucks.

You said the magic words.

Now, you guys should get a job like this.

I'm making a fortune.

All right. Wait here. There's a camera at the front door.

I'll go open the window.

Have you noticed ever since we met this guy,

we're always broke?

Or in trouble.

Come on, hurry up.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow! The Loyal Order of Corn.

SIMON: This is so neat.

MARSHALL: Hey, check that out.

Simon, do you see anything funny about these pictures?

Yeah. Everybody's wearing the same hat.

No, no, no. Look closer.

Who's in every picture?

The bartender guy!

Ned.

He's been the same since at least 19... 15.

Exactly how old is he?

Oh gee, how should I know?

You know something.

[LOUD THUD] Maybe I do.

[DISTANT VOICES]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

I feel like such a failure.

Nonsense, my boy.

Patience is one of the supreme attributes.

You do know the supreme attributes, don't you, Seedling Teller?

Ah... patience, fortitude, persistence, loyalty, silence, strength,

I'm leaving one out I know.

Loyalty.

I thought I said loyalty.

Loyalty is a double supreme attribute, Seedling Teller.

Of course. Loyalty is the corner stone

of The Order of Corn.

Loyalty to fellows,

loyalty to ideas,

loyalty to our very important work

no matter how long it takes.

How long has it taken, Ned?

A very long time.

See? But...

something tells me we're coming very close to the finish

of, of, of, of, of... well, you know.

You really think so?

The alignment holds for six more hours.

I think you should try to complete your work... tonight.

Yes. Well... in that case,

Seedling Teller,

let's drop in on the old Teller workshop

and pick up that one missing piece.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

Are they gone?

No. Shh...

NED: Is there something wrong here, huh?

No. No, no, I'm fine.

Remember what I said about following the rules.

It's very important especially in the early going.

Where's that picture?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Picture?

Oh, you mean this picture.

I was just cleaning it for you.

Well, you're enthusiastic. Very good.

The members will like that.

Ned. Is it time for recitation?

Yes.

[DOOR SHUTS]

I must attend to the closing ceremonies.

But once the members have gone,

you and I will have a talk.

You may be getting a promotion,

sooner than you think.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

SIMON: Is he gone?

Yeah, come on.

What was all that stuff about?

Getting a promotion. I thought you just started here.

Well, may be Ned sees my obvious potential.

You're holding out on us.

Oh, come on. What are we?

The hole in the wall gang?

I don't have to tell you anything.

Fine. Just remember,

we're the only other people who believe Eerie is weird.

[SIGHS] All right.

DASH X: Come on. Our friend, Ned, doesn't know I can do this.

Secret mysteries of The Loyal Order of Corn.

I can't look.

[ELECTRIC BUZZING]

Simon, you can open your eyes now.

Get a load of this.

Looks like one of those hulky new age crystal things.

My sister has one almost that big.

She thinks it will get her a boyfriend.

The door's got markings on it.

Just like the ones on your hands.

What does that mean?

It means that our friend, Ned,

might know more about me than he's saying.

May be he knows where you came from.

Or where your family is.

Maybe Ned knows what your name is.

That's a lot of maybes.

And until then, I'm gonna use these for a name.

Plus and minus?

No... no, no. Dash X.

Get it? Dash... X.

Plus. What kind of name is that?

You guys are a constant source of embarrassment.

So, Dash X,

what has Ned told you about The Loyal Order of Corn?

He didn't tell me anything. I just...

knew that this stuff was in here like I'd seen it before or something.

Something is very weird.

Yeah, we knew that. And we know where.

But how do we get in there?

Come on. Let's take a look.

Hey, check this out.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

How big is this place?

Bigger inside than it is outside.

You know, my guess is that this thing goes

right in here.

[ELECTRICAL STATIC]

Cool cable.

What is it?

What does it look like?

Looks like a giant TV screen, but nobody makes them this big.

Except The Loyal Order of Corn.

Oh, no.

Maybe they're working for the Japanese.

Oh, no. Maybe they're working for a Orville Redenbacher.

MARSHALL: Why so big?

Why all the secrecy?

May be it's some kind of spy screen.

Hey, here's an idea.

What are the coordinates for your sister's bedroom?

Oh, be serious.

All right. May be it's for watching ESPN.

That's funny.

Mars, it's cold.

Simon, don't touch it.

It's all right, really.

MARSHALL: There's something else.

Let's just change the channel and find out.

[ELECTRICAL STATIC]

Mars, help!

Simon! It wasn't me!

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

Help me, Mars!

I'm cold.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL: While penetrating the inner sanctum of the Loyal Order of Corn,

my trusted associate, Simon, somehow got transmitted to the planet Mars

no thanks to my untrusted non-associate

who insisted on being called Dash X!

Simon. Oh, man!

What is this?

Some kind of intergalactic video zapping portal kind of thing?

Yeah, but to where?

NED: To everywhere.

What do you think you are doing?

Do you realize how long I've been working on this project?

Yeah. What do you think you're trying to pull?

I'll go call the cops. Drop the act.

He couldn't have gotten here without your help.

I ought to ship you both to Neptune.

Ah, no thanks.

Lack of oxygen is bad for my asthma.

SIMON: Hey. What about me?

You shouldn't have gone through.

It isn't tuned in yet.

This is unconscionable.

Look. I know you're upset.

But how do we get him back?

SIMON: Is anybody out there?

All right.

You might as well know.

SIMON: Marshall?

Hang in there, Simon. I'll be right back.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, I see someone who's been doing some research.

Yeah. Enough to know you've been running this Lodge for 80 years,

using those hats to make people build this...

this portal

that's probably for some alien invasion.

You're some kind of advanced scout for a race to

probably use us humans for cattle or worse yet...

You're getting hysterical.

NED: Are you just about finished?

Oh, you're right about one thing.

I'm not of this earth.

No foolin'?

You're really an alien? Yes.

But not an alien invader.

More of an alien explorer.

That's what Cortez said.

So what? You're like an astronaut?

Without a spacecraft.

Space travel takes too long to get anywhere.

So our people invented this tachyon portal.

A door between worlds.

Only our first test flight didn't work out the way we expected.

And I was placed in a place you call Siberia

in 1908.

And the minute I walk through the portal,

it failed.

Big deal. All you had to do was build another portal.

I said I was an explorer, not a mechanic.

And you don't buy tachyon portals from Sears.

I needed to create a whole industry.

First, by forming the Lodge itself.

Then helping a little thing called radio.

The Loyal Order of Corn invented radio?

Not exactly.

We encouraged a couple of kids.

Sarnoff, Armstrong, and De Forest.

Invested in the early networks,

and also funded research into television.

Now that was fun for a while.

Of course I realized things were getting out of hand when

Milton Berle started wearing dresses.

And now this.

One boy lost on another world.

The whole project threatened on the very night it was ready to work.

What does his old man have to do with this?

Your father is building a universal tuner for that screen in there.

My father?

Our VCR has been flashing 12 o'clock ever since we bought it.

Well, looks like your pal, Simon, is gonna be in the reruns for a while.

Simon is doomed.

Unless your father finishes his work,

yes, I'm afraid so.

MARSHALL: So all I had to do was make sure my dad finished that universal

tuner gizmo before Simon froze to death on the surface of Pluto.

Or before my mom and dad murderized each other.

First, it was adjusting to this paternalistic town

where your opinion counts only if you were a man.

Then, it was this stupid Lodge.

There you are.

Young man, do you know what time it is?

Ah... later than it should be?

Mr. Radford?

Splendid timing, my boy. Your mother and I were just discussing

the merits of The Loyal Order of Corn.

I'm holding you responsible for this.

I gave him a ride.

Gee. Try to be a helpful neighbor and...

[CLATTER]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHIRRING] Dad, is it finished?

Mom!

I have had it with your... your Loyal Order of Hooey!

Dad, tell her.

Mr. Radford? Tell her what?

Tell her what you're working on.

I'm not sure, but I think it's a universal remote control.

It can tune any TV, VCR or CD player with just three buttons.

[BEEPS] Ha-ha! It works!

It works!

[CAWING]

You, uh...

you have a lot of answers.

Your friend had a lot of questions.

Yeah, well, I have some of my own.

Where do I fit into all of this?

You are my... assistant.

Possibly, even my replacement.

So you're saying that you'd have taken anybody

who answered that "Help Wanted" sign?

Not just anybody.

No, no, no.

Why me?

I need to know.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[CAWING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

This is the big Loyal Order of Corn project?

Mom, it's for their secret big screen TV.

Careful, boy!

You're divulging the inner secrets of The Loyal Order to a woman.

Fabulous. Secret tuner, secret TV.

I think it's time somebody let me in on the secrets.

What is it about you men and these stupid hats?

Mrs. Teller! Marilyn, my God! In front of the Kernel?

Hail to Thee, O Ears of Splendor.

Seedling Teller.

Come on, there are shocking to be done.

Honey... Mom...

The members were so much easier to handle

when I came up with this and the hats of course.

Oh, of course.

Now, we're running out of time.

The planets are in a once in a century alignment tonight.

If I got through that portal withing the hour,

I can get home.

If not... I don't know if I can stand another century.

Especially since Eerie is getting wired for cable.

Ned! Now what?

Now, Ned, I know we have strict rules about allowing women...

Yes, yes, but what about the tuner, what about the tuner?

It works. Not a moment too soon.

SIMON: Marshall! I think she looks great in a hat.

Please help. Simon?

Anybody out there?

It's getting a little hard to breathe.

Marshall. Dash.

What a great TV.

It seems almost real.

Yes, I suppose it does.

[BEEPS AND STATIC]

Hey! There you are!

[ELECTRICAL STATIC]

Marilyn?

Simon, how're you doing?

Great. If I had my mittens, I would have been fine.

Now, what happens?

I... go home.

[BEEP]

[ELECTRONIC NOISES]

MARSHALL: Wow.

It looks neat.

You can go with me if you like.

See other worlds, other places.

Of all the humans I've known, you'd appreciate it the most.

Ah, no thanks.

I've too much to do here.

What about me?

Aren't you going to invite me, too?

I guess I'll just have to invite myself.

What do you think you're doing?

Look.

All I got in my life are questions.

Who I am, where I came from.

The answers must be through that.

You're wrong.

My destiny lies through that portal.

Not yours.

Even I don't know the meaning of the marks.

Or why your hair is gray?

These symbols go back to a time long before any of us.

And are as much a mystery to me as they are to you.

I don't like the sound of that.

Keep searching.

What you seek is right here in Eerie.

The answer to your questions,

is simpler than you think

and stranger than you imagined.

Just tell me one thing.

Are you my father?

If only it were as simple as that.

[ELECTRICAL STATIC]

[STATIC]

Pretty weird, huh, Mr. Radford?

Well, still can't top the Shuckers Bowlathon

we had back in 1974.

Now, that was weird.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL: The next morning, mom and dad claimed to have

no memory of the events at the Lodge.

And Radford changes the subject whenever I bring it up.

But that won't stop me, Simon and our semi-friend Dash X from digging deeper,

because in Eerie, Indiana,

when you scrape away the surface weirdness,

what you find is more weirdness.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]