Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL: Simon and I had decided to make a

rare appearance with the family,

stuffing ourselves at the Dragon of the Black Pool Chinese Restaurant.

It's a place where the egg rolls aren't too shabby

and the fortune cookies are the kind you can only find in Eerie.

Mine says,

"You will live to tell the tale."

I don't get mine.

"You will see the world through eyes of many."

MARSHALL: Dad's fortune was not only weird,

it came true.

"Oh, your immediate future will be interrupted by a mysterious stranger."

Oh, how exciting.

[MARILYN SCREAMS]

CHAPPY: There's not enough money in the world

for my medulla oblongata.

They want my brain and that is not part of the bargain.

[CHAPPY MUMBLES]

Are you okay? Are you okay?

Yes, I'm fine.

It's just a crazy old what's his name.

No harm done.

MARSHALL: Some people in Eerie said this guy was insane.

But nobody had ever bothered to find out who he really was,

or how to help him.

Ed Meese wants my Sharona but no soap!

The poor man.

Shouldn't we... Don't even think about it, Mom.

That guy is the mad whacker.

SIMON: Syndi's right.

They call him the Whacker because he used an axe to kill his victims.

Now, come on.

I've heard rumors that he was Eerie's last living liberal.

What's a liberal?

I'll explain it to you when you're older.

Well, I don't care if he is a liberal or an axe murderer,

I want you two boys to stay clear of him, understood?

Yes, Mom.

My Sharona! My Sharona! My Sharona!

Come on, Marshall.

[MARSHALL SHUSHES]

Does he look like an axe murderer to you?

Well, he's shorter than most.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[GASPS AND SHOCKED]

What the...

You're not getting away this time, baby.

Junior Police, halt!

What did you say, little boy?

[FIRE ESCAPE CLANGING]

Hey,

don't you boys' know it's not nice to tease a poor, defenseless woman?

Wow.

Boy, somebody's in a bad mood.

[SIRENS WAILING]

I'll be back.

I didn't know that there was a Mrs. Terminator.

Is he alive?

MARSHALL: We gotta help him.

Look, just forget the junior do-gooder routine, all right?

Just, do like I do.

Ask yourself one simple question.

What's in it for me?

Why don't you try asking yourself

what if that was you lying there and you needed help.

I like my question better.

Look, he's all yours.

Me and sirens don't get along.

MARSHALL: Maybe he was right.

But anytime I see a guy get roughed up by a lady with a mega volt zapper thing,

I gotta find out what's going on.

Help me.

MARSHALL: It was risky.

But Simon and I decided to keep the poor guy safe

until we could figure out the old who, what and why.

It made sense to not get the rest of the family involved.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come on Marshall, what are you?

Some sort of freak of nature?

Let me in.

Um... Uh...

Go away, I'm shaving,

and it's my first time and I need to concentrate.

Congratulations, son.

If you nick yourself,

just put a little piece of toilet paper on the cut.

Yeah, thanks for the tip, Dad.

[EXPRESSING MUTELY]

My Sharona! My Sharona!

My Sharona! My Sharona!

[BOTH SHUSH]

Give him a screwdriver.

It seems to chill him down.

I almost got the knack to take my cortex for Sharona!

Oh.

Maybe Sharona is his wife or sister.

Yeah, maybe.

Oh, gross.

Yeah, we don't have much to go on.

No money, no ID.

Poor guy's got nothing,

except one handsome haircut.

And his shopping cart.

MARSHALL: Chappy didn't seem like the kind of guy that someone would want to kidnap.

But then again, he didn't seem like an axe murderer

or a liberal either.

[DANFORTH SOBBING]

Oh, woe is me.

Oh, please, please,

can you help me find this man?

He's my long lost brother.

He may be pushing a shopping cart by now.

GUY: Hmm... No.

No? Very well, all right.

Democrats.

This is the weirdest town I've ever hit.

[DASH WHISTLES]

[SPUTTERS AND SOBS] Oh, please.

Oh, please,

have you seen this man?

He's my long lost relative.

Cool the theatrics, Mom.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the little boy

with the premature grey hair.

So,

where is he?

Who?

You'll have to excuse me.

I have a very poor short term memory.

This refresh your memory?

It's all coming back to me.

I'll bring Mr. Crazy right to you.

5 o' clock.

The old mill down at Highway 48.

You bring some more dead presidents with you.

We're a lot alike, Tinsel Top.

You're gonna go far in this world.

I swear I did not make sticky buns with Carol.

TV: But, did you bake...

What a liar!

MARSHALL: The streets weren't safe for our newly scrubbed pal.

At least not with a ninja grandma out there.

Fortunately, babysitting was

one of the few things Syndi was qualified for.

Uh, Syndi. What?

This is Simon's uncle Morris from

Latvia.

Uh, nice to meet you.

He doesn't speak any English.

Oh.

The electron modulator is finished!

Excuse me?

He speaks a little English.

You know, electron modulator.

That kinda thing.

Synd,

do you mind if he watches Todd and Donna with you?

Uh... I guess not.

Come on, Uncle Morris.

Sit right here.

We'll be right back.

When are you gonna give me some time, Sharona?

Ya, that's right, Uncle Morris. We'll be right back.

MARSHALL: We didn't have much to go on.

Just the word Sharona that he kept repeating over and over.

My hunch was

that you could tell a lot about a guy by what he kept in his shopping cart.

Good old Uncle Morris.

MARSHALL: Sure, there was a lot of junk.

But there's also about a dozen gadgets and

crazy inventions.

What's that thing?

I think it's an antique thing called an 8-Track.

Knack.

Didn't Chappy say he had the knack?

Simon, look.

There's a song on here, My Sharona.

Boy, I've heard of people getting a song stuck in their head,

but Chappy's got it bad.

That's Toddski and

that's Donnaski.

They take your

brain, too?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Don't you put down Dr. Gladiator's big man's retreat like that.

TV: It was a beautiful thing.

Hi.

I don't mean to disturb you.

It's just that Simon might have forgot to mention that

Uncle Morris needs his medicine.

No problem.

We were just watching Todd and Donna.

Ah, Todd and Donn yeah.

Poor Donna.

She will never learn.

Uncle Moe!

Long time, no see.

My, how he loves to tinker.

It's finished.

Well, at least we know he's not a liberal.

You know,

I bet he's a nice old guy who wants his stuff back.

BOTH: Syndi!

Syndi! Syndi!

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

SIMON: Call 911.

We're too late.

You're alive.

Is everything okay?

It's fine.

Why wouldn't it be?

TV: Strong and proud.

Where's Uncle Morris?

He left here with your cousin.

That grey haired guy.

What the heck is going on?

Oh, I bet the answers aren't here.

To the secret spot.

[DOOR CREAKING]

You did it.

Charles?

Charles?

Charles?

Are you in there Charles?

Donna's a fool. Todd's a liar.

And I'm leaving.

[BANGS DOOR]

You know, if you

don't mind me asking,

what is it about this

Mad Whacker that is worth this much money?

Mad Whacker?

This is no Mad Whacker.

This is Charles Furnell,

the smartest man in the world.

CHARLES: Oh... my...

My hair hurts.

Yeow.

Charles Furnell

was the youngest man ever to calculate

Pi without scratch paper.

He was brilliant.

And very, very sexy.

In 1978,

he invented the most powerful and

and valuable invention since the atom bomb,

The Brainalyzer.

It could turn any ordinary man into a genius.

And any genius into... This.

I had the world at my fingertips.

Everything was set.

Then, one day,

I returned from lunch,

the Brainalyzer is destroyed,

the blueprints are gone,

and Charles is like this.

My only hope

is that he has enough brain cells left

to build it again.

Wait a minute.

Maybe he already has.

MARSHALL: It was weird.

We didn't have Uncle Moe or The Whacker or whoever he was.

But we had all his stuff.

And what amazing stuff it was. [WHIRRING]

Even more amazing,

somehow it all fit together.

This do-hickey

must go into this thing-a-ma-bob.

Yeah.

And I bet this goes in here.

MARSHALL: Hey, I wonder what this does.

Simon.

Uncanny.

An obvious symbiotic trans-neuro conversion.

I knew it.

Simon?

Are you all right?

Who's Simon?

My name is Charles Furnell.

And I'd like a cigarette.

MARSHALL: Thanks to The Brainalyzer,

my nine year old buddy Simon now had an Einsteinian intellect

and a pretty snobby personality to boot.

An attenuator rotor

made from an ordinary distributor cap.

How ingenious of me.

Wait... Wait a sec.

You are telling me that you are the smartest man in the world?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Okay then,

what's 43 times 106?

4,452.

You're a genius, Simon.

And because of said genius,

your friend Simon

is actually on this audio tape.

Once again,

I am Charles Furnell.

So Simon, I mean, Charles,

when do I get Simon back?

I am not abandoning this boy's body.

And unless you can assist me in locating

my rightful body,

I will gladly go through puberty again.

Yeah, but that could...

I have been on that tape for over a decade,

and I have a lot of work to do.

By the way,

who's the President now?

George Bush.

Dan Quayle is the Vice President.

This is worse than I imagined.

I suggest we pack up this gear

and find the real me

as soon as possible.

He made gadgets.

They were nothing more than keepsakes really.

It would make Charles so happy if

he could get them back.

EDGAR: Oh, I assure you,

if they boys know anything, they will tell you.

Oh, good.

Boys!

[WHISPERS] Don't forget you're nine.

This is Miss. Danforth.

Hi.

That's my son Marshall. He's shaving now.

And this is Simon Holmes, Marshall's friend.

Can you say hi, Simon?

Oh, I suppose I could.

As the late philosopher Walker Percy said,

"Why is it you can meet someone

"and in ten seconds,

"know more about them

"then they will ever know themselves?"

Hello, Sugar-buns.

I mean, Miss Danforth.

Miss Danforth is that bum's

I mean, Mr. Furnell's sister.

She's come to Eerie to care for her brother.

Care for him!

Using acrobatic massage techniques

to swindle a Nobel Prize Winner

out of his life's work?

That's her idea of caring!

Sorry.

Simon's not himself.

Well, I hope you find him, Miss.

Simon...

Chappy...

Sappy, wait up.

That's the most dangerous woman on the planet.

What're you trying...

You can't do...

What're you doing?

Hey.

Simon, you can't do this.

[ENGINE STARTING]

You can do this.

Who is that lady anyway?

That's no lady.

That's my wife.

MARSHALL: If there was a buck to be made by kidnapping Charles Furnell,

the grey haired kid was sure to be in on it.

Even though we weren't friends,

it still bugged me that all he cared about was money.

Careful.

The guy with the hair is kind of

whacko.

Don't worry.

[MAKING KUNG FU SOUNDS]

I know Tae Kwon Do.

These hands are registered weapons.

Look, it's you.

Look at me.

I'm flabbergasted.

Remind me to join a gymnasium when all this is over.

Quick, the Brainalyzer.

[BLITHERING]

Right, now let me see if I got this straight.

I download your brain onto this tape,

then I put the headset on him,

then I switch to upload,

and then hit the power.

Isn't that obvious? Hurry.

Download.

Oh, yeah, all right.

Did it work?

Bravo. I'm a genius again

We did it. It worked.

All right, what's 824 square?

Oh, it's elementary. 678,976

Close enough. Now lets' get Simon back.

Wait, where's the tape with Simon's brain on it?

It was right here.

You mean, right here,

quiz kids.

What're you trying to prove?

We'll let Grandma Schwarzenegger decide that.

In the mean time, one false move and

Simon here becomes Vice Presidential.

Please, young man.

You are making a grave miscalculation.

You must do what is right.

What is right?

What is right?

Oh, come on. She told me the whole story.

How you couldn't handle the pressure,

how you went nuts. What?

I invented the Brainalyzer for the good of humanity.

To preserve intelligence for coming generations.

And then that great woman sold us out.

She negotiated a multi million dollar deal with Ed Meese

to steal the 1980 election,

by pumping in MacGvyer's brain into Ronald Reagan,

quadrupling his IQ.

So when I found that out,

for the good of my country, there was only one thing that I could possibly do,

and that was scramble my own brain.

Destroying the Brainalyzer technology

until now.

Why, Eunice.

Shut up, Babycakes.

Not bad, tinsel top.

Here's your Christmas bonus.

Thanks.

Now, make yourself scarce

while I get back what's rightfully mine.

Just like that

you're selling us out.

Unless you've got a better offer.

I didn't think so.

See you in the next life.

MARSHALL: I guess when you're all alone in this world,

it makes it tough to do anything but think about yourself.

Meanwhile, things weren't weren't looking so hot for Simon and me.

CHARLES: Darling?

Here, sweet pea.

Darling, don't do this.

No brains, no wittinesses.

The boys at the Committee to Re-Elect taught me that one.

Bye-bye.

CHARLES: No!

[GROANING]

Get back, you pigs.

Brainalyzer's mine.

Eunice?

Charles.

Marshall?

Simon?

Please, Eunice.

Don't make the same mistakes again.

I loved you once.

I never loved you.

You're a dreamer and a fool.

I got it.

Counting that money just didn't feel right.

Way to go.

You shut up lady. I've heard enough from you.

Wait. You're making a big mistake.

It's me, Marshall.

It's him you want.

Huh?

Don't listen to him, kid.

He's her.

Nail her.

There's 1,000 bucks in it for you.

Wait a minute.

The real Marshall Teller

doesn't have

a 1,000 bucks.

Oops.

MARSHALL: You can't underestimate anyone.

The guy everybody else thought was a bum

turned out to be the smartest man in the world.

What's going on around here?

MARSHALL: And that homeless kid showed that he had a heart after all.

Still, it wouldn't be over till we reunited everyone with their proper brain,

a process that took a while.

It's you.

So why'd you come back?

Well, I...

I just did like you said.

I asked myself what

if that was me that needed help.

[SIGHS] I must be coming down with something.

"You will see the world through eyes of many."

It came true.

MARSHALL: A few days later, I got a package from Chappy.

He said he destroyed the Brainalyzer once and for all.

And that he and Sugar-buns were moving to the country to try and work things out.

Oh, yeah.

Chappy also thanked me

for stopping to help him out.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]