Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL: It seems like every town has a haunted house and a

creepy story that goes with it.

Kids all dare each other to go inside,

but nobody ever does

because a friend of a friend knows a guy that went in and

never came out.

Every town has one.

But here in Eerie,

Simon and I have counted over 50 haunted structures.

Today we were checking out number 51.

[HOWLING]

"No trespassing."

Careful. "Quarantine."

SIMON: "Condemned."

[SIMON STRAINING]

"This means you."

"No loitering."

What's that mean, no loitering?

Keep moving.

MARSHALL: Simon and I overheard some of the locals talking about

how in the last few weeks,

they'd seen strange lights and heard voices.

The word was to stay away from this joint,

which is why we were here.

Look at all the bullet holes.

Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

We got a strict policy about guns, remember?

I know. We don't like 'em.

Let's just get some pictures and get out of here.

Sometimes I wish we collected stamps for fun

instead of battling the forces of weirdness.

[HOWLING]

[DOOR SLAMS] [BOTH SCREAM]

[BATS SCREECHING] Bats off!

SIMON: Where are those bats? I hate bats.

Just think of them as flying rodents.

Thanks. I feel much better now.

[WINGS FLUTTER] [CROW CAWING]

Flashlight...

I can't tell where it's coming from.

Over there.

SIMON: Wow, what's holding the chair up?

VOICE: Let the dead stay dead.

[LAUGHTER]

[ELECTRIC STATIC AND CRACKLING]

Leave now or stay forever! [BOTH SCREAM]

[EVIL LAUGHTER] [BOTH CONTINUE SCREAMING]

I'm sorry if I caused any inconvenience.

MARSHALL: The weirdest thing happened down at the World O' Stuff.

It turns out the reason Radford always acted so weird was

because he wasn't really Radford.

He was Fred Suggs,

compulsive impostor.

Evidently, the real Radford

had been tied up in the basement the whole time.

No need to press charges.

Just get him outta here.

Well boys,

you're my first customers in quite some time.

Drinks are on the house. What will you have?

Black Cow with a nip of Java.

Black Cow with a nip of Java.

Ditto. Ditto.

Coming right up.

Hey, Mr. Radford,

how come you aren't pressing any charges against that impostor guy?

Well,

despite all his faults, that guy

was one hell of a salesman.

He moved more merchandise in six months with me tied up in the basement

than I made in my past year.

Just can't find help like that anymore.

Hey, new Mr. Radford.

Yes, young man?

How're we supposed to know for sure

if you're the real Radford?

You don't.

Oh, thanks.

Another dead soldier.

How'd the pictures come out?

Everything's in focus and perfectly exposed except for the money shot.

You're kidding me.

Drat.

One Clack Cow.

One ditto. Thanks.

Say,

that's a swell picture of the old Hitchcock mill.

You boys amateur photographers?

Sort of.

I used to have a dark room myself.

[TAKES A DEEP SNIFF] I love the smell of fixer in the morning.

Mill is haunted, you know.

BOTH: We know.

Story goes back more than a century.

Legend has it that the mill is haunted by

Grungy Bill.

Worst bank robber, East of the Mississippi.

Really evil, huh?

No, the worst.

As in, no good. Incompetent.

Don't quit your day job worst.

Oh, he was mean all right, but

when it came to robbing banks,

well...

Something always went wrong.

If I remember right,

he was arrested 12 times.

Why is he haunting the mill?

Of course you realize there's no such thing as ghosts.

BOTH: [NERVOUSLY] Of course.

But the story goes,

one day Grungy Bill was robbing the Eerie Bank for the 13th time.

Having already failed 12 times,

well,

this time he really blew it.

What happened?

He broke the first rule of bank robbery.

He forgot his gun.

BOTH: [DISBELIEVINGLY] Forgot his gun?

Big, big mistake.

Anyway, a sheriff's posse tracked him down to the mill

where they surrounded the place and shot it full of holes,

him along with it.

They say you can

see him some nights up at the mill

looking for his gun.

I hate guns.

Of course,

there's no such thing as ghosts.

BOTH: Of course.

MARSHALL: You could spend years in the weirdness biz

and never come close to a good, clean photo

of a ghost by Grungy Bill.

We had to try again.

But this time, we were gonna be prepared.

[CREAKING]

Stamp collecting is looking better and better.

I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Paper cut on your tongue?

MARSHALL: Wait.

Somebody put that chair back together.

Grungy Bill?

I'll get a shot of it.

MARSHALL: [IN A SCARY VOICE] Grungy Bill?

Grungy Bill?

We're calling you back from the beyond, Grungy Bill?

Maybe he prefers William.

Maybe he was never here.

Here's something.

What is it?

Some sort of wire and pulley.

Hey, rigged up to that chair.

Why would a ghost need to do that?

A ghost wouldn't.

[IN A GHOSTLY VOICE] Simon.

Simon Holmes.

We've been had, Simon.

We've been suckered, Simon.

You're kidding.

Get a shot of this.

That's not all, check this out.

[CRACKLING]

This is so embarrassing.

Looks like somebody's been crashing here.

There's a sleeping bag and candle and stuff.

Better get snaps of everything for our records.

Who'd be crazy enough to live in a haunted house?

I mean, besides a ghost.

DASH: I've got a better question for you.

Who would be crazy enough to mess with someone's stuff

who's crazy enough to live in a haunted house?

Ah, beats me.

Well Simon, guess we better get going.

Nobody's going nowhere

till we finish a little business.

Talk to my lawyer. Come on, let's go.

Let us go. We didn't do nothing to you.

Shut up Shrimpenstein.

Watch it.

[DASH LAUGHS DERISIVELY]

So,

what's with the goony helmets, huh?

I mean, what's the story here?

You guys some teenage neighborhood watch gone insane?

We thought you were a...

A what?

What?

We thought you were a ghost.

Ghost... [LAUGHS]

You mean, this guy?

So it was you.

Maybe.

Maybe it was my evil twin.

Maybe it was your evil twin.

Maybe I'm your evil twin.

[LAUGHS]

What's with the grey hair?

I'm starting a trend, what's it to you?

Listen, junior mod squad,

if everyone in town wants to believe there's some sort of ghost living here,

that's great.

'Cause that's exactly what I want them to think.

It keeps nosy locals from poking around.

As far as you're concerned,

you've never been here,

you've never seen me.

I don't exist.

If you do tell anyone about me,

you won't exist.

Got that,

Teenage Mutant Ghostbusters?

Now, give me the pictures and the video tape.

Better do it, Simon.

C'mon.

This is one tape that's not going to be in

America's Stupidest Home Videos.

I gotta talk to the landlord about these floors.

Wait-a-wait-a wait a minute.

There's something under here.

Wow.

Check this thing out.

Hey, watch where you're pointing that thing. What're you, crazy?

Don't worry about this thing.

It must be a 100 years old.

Solid rust.

It ain't even loaded.

[BULLET RICOCHETS]

I hate guns. I hate 'em, I hate 'em, I hate 'em.

Anybody hit?

Look.

[YAWNING]

[YEEHAWING]

GRUNGY BILL: At last.

There's my gun.

Right where I left it.

Thanks, boys.

I've been looking for Betsy here for a long time.

Now, if you don't mind,

reach for the sky.

I can't believe this.

A real live...

I mean, a real, dead ghost.

I knew this town is weird but this is too much.

Philately can be a very rewarding pass time if you give it a chance.

Stamps are beautiful.

They're good investments.

And they can't kill you like a gun.

Cinch that up tight, partner.

Can't have these varmints squirming loose and muddying up our plan.

Our plan?

We have a plan?

Of course.

You don't go robbing the Bank of Eerie without a plan.

I don't go robbing banks, period.

This is getting interesting.

Oh, no.

The legend.

Legend?

Really?

About me?

What the heck are we talking about?

Grungy Bill was the worst bank robber...

Whoa. Whoa there.

That's meanest bank robber.

Not how we heard it.

We heard you tried to unsuccessfully rob the Bank of Eerie 13 times.

Twelve. It was just 12.

Whatever.

Anyway, the last time he forgot his gun.

Nobody's perfect.

Besides, that don't matter now.

I've got me a plan.

I've spent over a 100 years

dissecting every detail,

every step thought out to the second.

So what is this plan?

Well,

we ride to the bank,

we go inside,

we draw our guns,

tell them to give us all the money.

What'd you think?

I think you're an idiot.

What? With

an incredibly brainy plan for robbing the bank of Eerie.

Hey, uh,

Grungy,

what'd you want to rob a bank for anyway?

I mean, what's a dead guy like you gonna do with the money?

Dat gumit, I ain't in it for the money.

That is such a common misconception about bank robbers.

It's the principle of the thing.

How would you like to be known as the Worst Bank Robber East of the Mississippi?

Don't you see,

I got to rob this bank.

Otherwise, I'm

doomed to wander around here aimlessly for eternity.

Or...

till they demolish the mill for a mini mall,

whichever comes first.

All right,

that's enough jaw-boning.

There's a bank with my name on it and we're burning daylight.

You.

MARSHALL: Who? Me?

Yeah, you. You're coming with me.

Now you two just cool your heels till we get back.

And don't try to stop me or your friend here gets it.

Gets what?

You know,

it.

SIMON: Marshall, don't do it.

Remember our policy.

Without guns.

This kinda stuff happens to you guys a lot?

At least once a week.

[GRUNGY BILL STRAINING]

Where's the horses?

Horses?

Well, you've been dead a long time.

All we've got is our bikes.

We walk.

Got to get you a disguise.

Looks like your friend is headed for boot hill.

His name is Marshall.

And if anybody can get out of it,

he will.

Big if.

What's your name?

Simon. What's yours?

I wish I knew.

You don't know your name?

How can you not know your name?

Well,

okay.

I'll tell you.

See,

three months ago,

I wake up here in Weirdsville, Indiana.

I don't remember anything.

How I got here, who I am.

Nothing. Zip. Zero. Not even my own name.

Wow.

No mom, no dad.

Just me looking out for myself.

I crash wherever I can

and I dumpster dive for food.

Why don't you go to the police for help?

This town doesn't exactly take kindly to strangers, and

in case you haven't noticed,

anyone who's even remotely normal qualifies as a stranger around here.

I know what you mean.

What're you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm getting out of Dodge.

If I were you, I'd do the same thing.

What about Marshall?

Look, Simon,

this isn't all for one, one for all.

This is every man for himself.

And Eerie against all men.

But we got to help him.

You can't just leave.

Just watch me.

Next time you see me Simon, you don't know me.

What would Marshall do?

What would Marshall do?

MARSHALL: I was asking myself that same question.

What was I going to do when I got inside that bank?

But that wasn't my only problem.

There was the little matter of my disguise.

Come on, don't do this.

You don't have anything to prove.

We can still turn back.

Shut up and stick to the plan.

I'm robbing this bank if it's the last thing you do.

NUN: Yeah, yeah, put a rubberband around it.

Yeah, that's good right there.

May I help you, miss?

TELLER: Hey, no cutting. We gotta wait in line.

Back off.

That makes it an even 1,300,000.

Sign here.

Boy, this is going great.

You know what to do, right?

I hand him this note,

then when they give me the money, I stuff it in here.

God, I love this business.

Just think, my little freshness.

If you save up enough pennies,

you can buy a dolly sized Foreverware tub

so your dolly will never age,

just like you and mommy.

SYNDI: I still don't see what the big deal about a toaster is.

You've already got a toaster.

Someday you kids are gonna grow up and leave us and when you do,

you're gonna need a toaster. And you can't beat the price.

SYNDI: Just because they give you a toaster,

doesn't mean I'm going to eat toast.

I hate toast.

But sweetheart, you can't beat the price.

So, Simon,

where's Marshall?

Marshall? He's...

I'm not sure.

Last I saw, he was

nowhere near the bank.

Well, if you see Marshall, tell him we're having Swedish toast for dinner.

You're invited too.

Thank you, Mrs. Teller.

[MUMBLES] I'll try to make it.

Next.

May I help you, young lady?

Aren't you... The note.

Would you like me to throw this away for you?

Read it.

GIRL: Oh, my piggy.

He broke my piggy.

[GIRL WAILS]

Sorry.

SYNDI: I don't even like toast and now I broke the rule.

Eat lead, you dat burned sidewinder.

My gun.

I need my gun.

[DASH LAUGHS]

Come here, you...

[DASH LAUGHS LOUDLY]

I ain't leaving without robbing this place.

Pardon me, ma'am.

[LADY GASPS]

Excuse me.

That is the strangest looking girl I've ever seen.

Next.

GRUNGY BILL: Well, you gotta admit, this is a very nice toaster.

I don't know exactly what a toaster does, but

I can tell that this toaster does it very well.

SIMON: Can't beat the price.

So, what'd you say, Grungy?

Now that you've secured your place in history by robbing the Bank of Eerie,

why don't you give this ghost thing a rest?

You know, die?

Well, there's the little matter of my gun.

Not the "G" word.

DASH: Reach for the skies!

[CHUCKLES]

Gotcha.

You again.

What'd you do with my gun?

Right here.

Not my gun.

I'm nothing without Betsy.

Well boys,

looks like I've come to the end of my trail.

MARSHALL: Oh, don't worry, Bill.

Lots of people are just plain dead.

You'll make new friends.

Adios.

Wow.

Haunted toaster.

Cool.

[GRUNGY BILL YODELS]

That's weird even for us.

Don't you think?

Hey, where'd that guy go?

He's gone.

Something tells me that guy's gonna get us in big trouble.

And we don't even know his name.

That's okay.

Neither does he.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]