Original subtitles

My name is Marshall Teller.

I knew my new hometown was going to be different from where I grew up in New Jersey,

but this is ridiculous.

Nobody believes me,

but Eerie, Indiana is the center of weirdness for the entire planet.

[CAWING]

Item, Elvis lives on my paper route.

Thank you, little paperboy.

Item, Bigfoot eats out of my trash.

Item, even man's best friend is weird.

Still don't believe me?

You will.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL: It's easy to believe almost anything

when you consider just how big the universe is.

It's even easier to believe the unbelievable here in my little corner of the universe.

That's why when Professor Nigel Zircon

rolled into town with his Traveling Museum of the Para Believable,

Simon and I were the first to know.

USHER: There's room for everybody. Step right up. Step right up.

Hey, no cuts.

Oh, I'm sorry, kid.

Official business.

What a jerk.

Boys, show the Mayor some respect.

Oh, thanks Eddie.

USHER: Step right up. Step right up.

I was born for this.

MARSHALL: Simon and I had come to the right place, all right.

Professor Zircon was a scientist, explorer, and

the world's foremost expert on weirdness.

Something Simon and I know more than a little about.

EDGAR: It's unusual.

It's neat.

It's El Gordo,

the two headed sow of the Yucatan.

This is much better than our mouse in the pop bottle.

"Discovered in 1932

"El Gordo ate enough food each day

"to feed all the first graders

"in Normal Illinois for one week."

Unbelievable.

I'll say.

I just love science.

I'm sorry, it isn't exactly science.

Call it whatever you want,

it's generating hubbub inside Eerie city limits without a permit.

MARSHALL: Incredible definition.

Check it out, you can see every detail.

How's he do it?

Ours always comes out blurry.

That's why he's the best.

NIGEL: It's nice to meet someone so young

who can appreciate good evidence.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm... MARSHALL: Prof. Nigel Zircon.

We know.

I'm... I'm Marshall Teller.

This is Simon Holmes.

Can I have your autograph?

So, you boys are interested in the para believable?

MAYOR: Excuse me, excuse me.

I'd like a word with you,

Mr. Professor.

All in good time, Mr. Mayor.

I have an important announcement to make.

[CLEARS THROAT]

And now,

the world's foremost authority on para believability,

seeker, scientist,

recent guest on The Tonight's Show,

Professor Nigel Zircon.

[APPLAUSE] BOTH: Yeah.

Citizens of Eerie,

Mr. Mayor,

let me congratulate all of you for showing the

courage to seek out the mysteries of the world

by visiting my humble museum.

If we open our minds, there's much to be seen

and much more to be believed.

In my unending search for the truth,

I have discovered an object

about to enter the earth's orbit.

My colleagues at NASA have assured me that

this object is neither

American or Russian in it's origin.

Therefore, this leaves only one possibility...

BOTH: Extra terrestrial.

Exactly!

It's purpose and its origins are a mystery.

But I have no doubt as to it's destination.

[STRAINING]

According to my calculations,

sometime within the next 24 hours,

this object

will crash to Earth

right here in

Eerie, Indiana.

MARSHALL: Finally there was somebody who I could believe.

Better yet,

there was somebody who might believe me.

Unidentified space thing.

Three o' clock.

Airplane.

What if he thinks we're just a couple of kids?

We are a couple of kids.

But once th Professor sees the quality of our work,

he can't say no.

Right.

We gotta act like pros.

Pros. Got it.

But you better do all the talking.

This should do all the talking for us.

SIMON: Bigfoot.

Professor Zircon wrote two books on the subject.

"Print taken March 8th, 1991.

"Mr. and Mrs. Walter Funk's backyard."

Finally somebody will know what we're talking about.

Professor Zircon is the kind of guy

who can help us blow the lid off Eerie.

MARSHALL: I wasn't so sure if

a scholar and a scientist like a professor would have time to see us.

But we had to try.

But we had to try because

for the first time since moving to Eerie,

there was somebody who would understand that Eerie is not a normal place.

SIMON: It's heavy.

Simon!

Careful.

I'm nervous.

Remember, we're professionals.

How does it look?

Don't worry, you're going to love it.

It's my best work yet.

They'll be lined up around the block.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Let's have a look.

Excuse me, Professor Zircon.

Beat it.

And don't screw up again.

Gentlemen,

how good of you to drop by.

Well, I know we just look like a couple of kids, but

we have some important things to talk to you about.

Got a minute?

MARSHALL: Who could've believed that he could be so nice?

The man who had tracked the abominable snowman in Tibet,

dined with Pygmies, and

pickled El Gordo.

The professor Zircon treated Simon and me like kings.

Therefore, it is our belief that

Eerie is the center of weirdness for the entire planet.

As you gentlemen know,

what you need it proof, proof, and more proof.

I was hoping you'd say that.

A footprint of the mid-west Bigfoot.

Show him, Simon.

You found it here in Eerie?

That's right.

Your books came in handy when we were identifying it.

It's a left bi-pod with the opposable thumb.

It's a box of dirt clods.

It's broken.

But it was just like you described it in your book.

[PILCE SIREN WAILING]

Is there...

Is there some problem?

Not for long.

Deputy...

The problem is this...

Museum. Museum of yours is on

public property and in this town, the public is us.

Officer Knight,

read him the citation.

"Violation of 42a-77,

"leaky oil pan.

"Violation of Civic Code, PDQ-69.

"Unsightly display of satellite antenna in business district.

"Violation of traffic code..."

This could go on forever.

[DERISIVE CHUCKLE]

Let's cut to the chase.

We don't like outsiders here.

Especially the kind that go around making

predictions about UFOs without a permit.

Let me tell you something about Eerie, Mr. Professor.

You know, people from these parts like to

breathe through their mouth.

They just do. Understand?

Let me handle this, men.

See, the point is,

Eerie is an All American normal town and we aim to keep it that way.

An emergency meeting of the Eerie Chamber of Commerce

decided that you better get your... What do you call it?

My museum.

Yeah, whatever. Get it outta here.

If this thing isn't off public property by sundown...

We'll track you down and write you up.

MAYOR: See ya in the next life, Professor.

Oh, ye of little faith.

[VEHICLE REVVING]

Sorry about that, Professor.

[SIRENS WAILING]

That's okay, son.

It's a small world filled with little minds.

But I'm used to it.

I'd love to talk further with you boys

but I must be moving on.

You're leaving?

You heard the man.

Wait a minute.

I know where you can park.

MARILYN: Oh, I'm sure my husband won't mind

your museum parked in our driveway.

It's a beautiful, uh, vehicle.

Really, this isn't necessary.

I'm sure Edgar will be home any minute.

Nothing unidentified yet, sir.

Very well.

You are a hero, Professor Zircon.

Oh, no, no, Mrs. Teller.

I'm a businessman. A scientist.

But not a hero.

MARILYN: As far as those two boys are concerned,

you and a wrestler named Elginon the Invincible are it.

Oh, well, Marshall is a fine young man.

You and Mr. Teller are doing a first rate job.

You two are gonna have a lot to talk about.

He's a scientist too.

Oh, really?

EDGAR: What the heck?

What the heck is that

rolling museum of the ridiculous

doing in my driveway?

Professor Zircon,

hi.

Hello.

I'm gonna eat outside.

[CRACKING AND RUSTLING]

MARILYN: This is very cozy, you two.

Mom, science isn't cozy.

What are we having?

Space noodles and moon sauce, sir.

Macaroni and cheese?

Go for it Simon. I'll cover for you.

Thanks for the lovely dinner, Mrs. Teller.

You're welcome, Simon.

Mom? Yes, sweetheart?

How are dad and Professor Zircon getting along?

Oh, fine. [WHISPERS] Fine.

[DOOR CLOSES] Project research...

Yes, that's right.

[SPOON CLINKING ON CUP]

Edgar is

designing a new food processor that has...

What does it have, dear?

We're trying to come up with a new speed,

something between whip and frappe.

Nothing is as exciting as...

No, no, no. I have the utmost respect for your work, Mr. Teller.

Well, all Marshall talks about is your predictions.

I think it's wonderful.

The likelihood of a space particle actually hitting the earth is...

What, like 100,000?

And, how do you track it?

Well, Syndi...

EDGAR: There is not going to be any

unidentified space debris landing in Eerie.

[CHUCKLES]

And I'm sorry,

there's nothing wonderful about the boys wasting the evening in the front yard.

I mean, why don't we send them out there on Christmas

to get Polaroids of Santa's reindeer.

I happen to know a little something about orbital mechanics and...

Edgar, please.

No dear, I have to make my stand here.

For your information,

Professor Zircon,

I interned at the Smithsonian institute

before entering Syracuse

to do my undergraduate work on Archeology

and then...

[RHYTHMIC BEEPING]

Who's out there?

Professor?

[SHOOTS FLARE]

[DOG BARKING]

Professor?

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMS]

EDGAR: Then I received the NASA scholarship to MIT,

where my thesis, Matter, What Is It Exactly?

received rave reviews.

The space thing is here.

C'mon. We saw right where it landed.

Shall we?

SIMON: Hurry. MARSHALL: This way.

No, no, no, no.

My experience tells me it's over to the North East more.

MARSHALL: No, no, no, it's over here.

[CONFUSED] Really?

Come on.

Come on, Dad.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

MARSHALL: There it was,

daring us to believe.

The Professor, Simon and I are used to the unbelievable.

Goes with the territory.

This is even more impressive than I imagined.

MARSHALL: But for Syndi, Mom and Dad,

this was big time weird.

Discovering the unidentified space object

was the biggest thing that ever happened to Eerie.

Suddenly, the whole town was daring to believe.

Everybody was getting their 15 seconds of fame.

I mean, everybody

It's too early to say of course, but

but this may change the way we look at the past,

present and future.

This is only scratching the surface.

You wouldn't believe some of the things that go on around here.

For instance...

You might say that we here in Eerie

feel that we each own a piece of this

incredible thing.

The genuine item does say, "I've been to Eerie.

"and seen the space thing."

Who knows?

Maybe this is our first contact with

life from another planet.

Don't you think so, honey?

No comment.

MAYOR: What's the big whoop?

It's just some sorta

time capsule from another galaxy.

See, we here in Eerie

are simple, down to earth folks.

Weird, bizarre, unexplained things

never happen around these parts.

Now given that fact,

I think that our last offer is more than generous

Well, I am very flattered

by your generous offer, but of course

this object isn't for sale at any price.

I know the guy that ran the Holy Tortilla Shrine,

in Indianapolis. Uh-huh.

He put all his kids through college.

Let us talk among ourselves.

Maybe we can improve our offer.

When's lunch?

What's the matter, Dad?

I'm in a tough spot.

I know you don't like the Professor.

No, you see, it isn't that I don't like him.

I just don't want to see you get disappointed.

I remember how crushed you were

when you found out that Santa Clause wasn't real.

You stayed up all night in front of the chimney with

a Polaroid just to prove me wrong.

Then when he doesn't show up,

you refused to open your presents.

I'd a lot of fun with your train set...

Dad, he did show up.

My other camera was broken.

But that's not the point.

The point is,

I saw the space thing fall from the sky.

I saw it and found it.

Just because it didn't happen in your laboratory,

doesn't mean it's not real.

Marshall, the man is a con artist.

Everything, and I mean everything

in that museum is a hoax.

Even his name is phony.

You're wrong.

You're wrong and I'm going to prove it.

Marshall!

Wait!

[SIGHS]

Well done, Edgar. Well done.

Marshall,

I don't like this.

What're we looking for?

MARSHALL: The fact was, I didn't like it either.

I didn't know what I was looking for.

But I had to prove something to my Dad.

And myself.

MARSHALL: Whistle if you hear something.

SIMON: Bigfoot.

[DOOR CREAKING]

No.

What is it?

What are those?

MARSHALL: They're pie tins.

And that's how he makes his Bigfoot prints.

Dad's right.

Yup.

Fake IDs.

I like it better when I thought all this stuff was real.

MARSHALL: Simon is the master of the understatement.

The more we looked,

the more we found,

until there was nothing left of Professor Zircon.

"Operation Unidentified Space Object"?

[INDISTINCT DEBATE]

MARSHALL: It didn't surprise me that

the powers that be

would try to rook the professor out of our space thing

and use it for their own purposes.

You drive a hard bargain, Professor.

On behalf of the Eerie, Yoshizaki Consortium,

we're prepared to make you

our final offer.

One million dollars

for sole ownership

of this space thing.

It's a deal.

MARSHALL: Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hey, we're doing business here.

Marshall.

It's a fake.

He's a fake.

What're you talking about?

It's all in here.

This...

This is an outrage. These are my personal files.

[BEEBOPPING]

"Operation Space Object

"will work best if we find

"a small, isolated town with

"an ineffective government and an overbearing, money grubbing Mayor."

Get that guy!

EDGAR: How're you feeling Marshall?

Crummy.

EDGAR: Yeah, I know how it is.

I felt the same way after the Iran-Contra Hearings.

You know how you said I'd be disappointed

if I found out there was no Santa Clause?

Well, this is worse.

I never wanted to be like Santa Clause,

riding around in a sleigh with a reindeer and stuff, but...

But I really thought Professor Zircon was somebody I wanted to be.

Marshall, sometimes in life,

it is going to seem like there's nothing worth believing in.

But I want you to know,

there's one thing you can always count on.

Something that's never going to change.

That's the fact that your mother and I love you.

No matter what.

[SIMON BLOWS NOSE]

Hey, Edgar.

Marshall,

I was just gonna throw this away.

You want it?

Sure.

Take care of it.

SIMON: Even though it's not real,

maybe we should still put it in the evidence locker.

I was thinking about that too.

NIGEL: Psst.

What're you doing here?

You're a...

You're a good kid and you deserve a...

An explanation.

Well, I could complain about my truck payments and

my alimony payments,

but the fact is that I was...

I was going for one big score

so that I could retire.

I'm tired of being the Amazing Professor Zircon.

I just want to be plain old Phil Zirconowitz.

But people look upto you.

They think all that stuff is true.

People believe what they want to believe.

There's no such thing

as UFOs or Bigfoot.

There most certainly is.

Oh, this is Claude. There's something's the matter with him.

Hi.

CLAUDE: What's that thing?

It's your phony Space Junk.

That's not the space dealy I planted.

Mine was much more realistic.

In fact, that thing doesn't even blink.

What is it then?

Where did it come from then?

[WHIRRING]

My, there's got to be a logical explanation for all this.

NIGEL: I don't believe it.

SIMON: A real UFO.

It kind of looks like a white dot on a black background.

Well, at least it's proof.

MARSHALL: Our picture looked like every other crummy picture I'd ever seen of a UFO.

It could be almost anything.

But for Simon and me, it represented something very important.

It allowed us to believe in the unbelievable again.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]