Original subtitles

KEVIN: Hey, where are we going, anyway?

Remember the time when you borrowed my iPad

to figure how to get a more powerful shower head?

Yeah.

Oh!

Remember the time I gave you my Armani jacket

to impress this high-profile client?

KEVIN: Okay, I remember that.

W-What's the point here? Are you trying to prove

that I'm a horrible person?

No, you're not a horrible person.

It's, like, those favors add up.

- Let's not mention... - You're keeping a tally?

...all the free drugs I've been giving you.

Don't bring the drugs into it, man, we're friends.

- Yeah, we friends. - Yeah.

You be poppin' a lot of mollys, okay?

- All right. - And my friends pay me back.

All right, okay. Well, how about this?

I got a solution right here. How about we're not friends?

How about we're merely acquaintances?

I got a way you can pay this off.

A newsstand. And I own it.

- You what? - I own it.

Roofie, I had no idea you were such a media mongrel, man!

Actually, you know, its to clean my greens.

- Oh! - It's an all-cash business,

no questions asked.

- Know what I'm saying? - Yeah, sort of.

I'm gonna need you to run the place for a day or two,

until I find something more sustainable.

You do that, we'll be even.

It's easy, all you got to do is open, close the place.

This is literally a cake walk for you.

All you got to do is simply... exist.

Okay, well, that's good news because if there's one thing

that I'm good at, it's simply just existing.

Also I'm pretty good at talking to ghosts.

That's the second thing that I'm pretty good at.

Don't let me down.

No. No. I won't. I won't.

Thank you. Thank you for trusting me with this.

- Of course. - Yeah, cool.

Now, before you take off,

I believe there was some mention of a cake walk?

[ rock theme playing ]

- Hey, boss. - Hey.

Hey, you have some of them paper from last week

you're look be unload?

Last week? Come on, man, that's old news.

No, no, me don't need the news, me just need da weight.

Me have a blanket that move on its own.

No wind, no reason.

Just move about the place.

Could be a ghost.

Now, why you say that?

Primordially, I'm kind of a medium.

This is just my side gig. Don't be fooled.

Sounds like to me what you're dealing with here--

textbook apparitional attachment.

Would you come take a look?

Yeah...

No... No, no. I gotta stay here.

I promised my friend. He's counting on me.

Man, listen, you work hard, you deserve a break.

- You earned it. - Yeah?

- Yeah, it has been 25 minutes. - Yeah, man.

GUCCI MAN: Anyway... this is the Bootleggah Row

where we sell we things there.

- Oh. - Whatever you need.

You need clothes, jewelry...you name it, we have it, man.

Them call me Gucci Man.

'Cause, I sell Gucci...mainly.

And this a blanket what me bring you here for.

It belong to my friend Shaky Hand.

But now him dead.

Ever since him gone, that blanket move around

like a mad girl at dirty whines.???

Scare me customer then.

Yeah. Well, doesn't look like he's here right now.

- Easy, easy, easy. - That's okay.

Just gonna take a closer look.

I'm not really getting anything, Gucci.

I gotta get back to my newsstand now.

No, easy, man.

Listen, me need your help. Please, man.

Whatever you...n-name your price. You'll have it.

Maybe I can have this

charming little duffel right here?

Easy, man, that's a real thing.

That's real Gucci. Retail, $2,000.

- Ew! - Yeah, man. But listen...

Maybe me give you a good deal if you get rid of the ghost.

Me sell you that bag...$50!

- 50... I don't know. - You know, forget it, man.

Okay, well... yeah... okay, deal, $50.

No man, that's too low.

- Me lose too much. - All right, all right, 75...

- $75, please? - You know what...

you have a deal, but don't tell no one.

Me give you such a good deal, you understand?

- What deal? - I knew I like you, man.

Let's get you out of there.

Chuck those on your face.

We'll put a hat on you.

Put a little cap on you.

[ snapping ] Wanna come on out and join us.

How about...uh...

how about a cigarette?

[ blanket moving ]

Oh! Hey!

[ grunting ] Oh, you wanna play tough guy?

You wanna be a tough guy?

No! Oh, you're tough. Come on!

- Ah! - Ow!

[ panting ] Do you know how much that hurt?!

What are you doin' with my blanket?

Your blanket?

You're,Shaky Hands.

- Who told you that? - Your friend, Gucci Main.

Gucci? He's the one who gave me that dumb-ass nickname.

My real name is Melville.

- Melville? - Yeah.

Where'd the name Shaky Hands come from?

I'm a bootlegger. DVDs.

I used to sit in the back of a theater, filming movies

like it was my job,but I got tremors in my hands.

All my movies look like Bourne Identity.

Shit's going all over the place.

Hence, "Shaky Hands."

Oh, that's not even clever. That's what I said!

But you know how nicknames are.

The more you complain, the more they stick.

I hear you. Back when I was in grade school,

my friends started to call me Shit Eater because this one time...

[ chuckling ]

Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

The point is, I'm here to finish

- your unfinished business. - What are you, a medium?

- Yes. - How does this shit work?

- Just tell me what I gotta do to help. - Okay.

Now, the day I died...

I went to this French art house place, right?

I tell you, I don't know what it was that day...

I was in the zone.

I filmed the steadiest movie of mylife.

About 90 minutes in,

two guys entered the theater.

Walked over to front row guy.

Straight up murder his ass!

At first, they didn't realize I was there,

but then one of them noticed the red light of my camera.

They chased me for blocks,

but thankfully, I was able to duck down an alley,

stash the camera,

and just barely escape with my life.

Where'd he go?

This way! This way!

Later that day, my throat... slit.

Those goons found you and straight up murdered your ass?

No, man, shaving accident. My own damned fault.

- Shaky Hands! - We gotta go get that tape.

Got it. You want to expose the murder you witnessed.

What? No!

- That was the steadiest film I've ever done. - OH!

See, I need you to get the tape, so you can show my friends

- so they can stop calling me Shaky Hands! - Oh.

I stashed the camera right around the corner.

- Let's go. - Okay, all right.

As long as we're back in two shakes.

As long as we're back in two minutes.

Lead the way.

[ dramatic theme playing ]

SHAKY HANDS: Here's the other thing I don't get about being a ghost.

You saw I can move the blanket, right?

- Yeah. - But how come - I can't do this?

- I can't pick it up, man. - Yeah, it's the pits.

You can do certain things, but you can't do anything

that'll physically affect your unfinished business,

like the one thing you actually want to do.

Ain't that some shit?

It is some shit, but it keeps me in a job.

[ both shrieking ]

- Ha-ha-ha! - Come on, man!

Oh, you should've seen your face.

Just like when someone sneaks up behind you.

You know-- Blah! Oh!

Oh! OH! Help!

Shakes!

Hey, police! Call 911!

Someone just took him!

Okay, w-who are you, guys?

And why are all so attractive?

Have you ever heard of the Mafia?

Yeah, you don't sound Italian.

We are The Swedish Mafia.

Oh, I didn't know there was a Swedish Mafia.

We are new.

Good for you guys. Solid.

I need to tell you, you got to let me go.

I-- I don't know why I'm here,

but I'm supposed to be watching my friends newsstand, okay?

It's probably being robbed right now.

You are not going anywhere until you tell us

how did you know where to find that camera?

Shaky Hands. Shaky Hands...?

He's the one who stashed it. He showed me where to find it.

- [ gun cocks ] - Ahh...

You're gonna tell us...

- where is Shaky Hands now? - Please don't!

It won't do you any good. He's already dead.

But he told you where is camera.

Yes, his ghost told me where to find the camera.

He-- he's a ghost. See, I'm sort of a...

a medium. I talk to ghosts.

Okay, prove it. Talk to a ghost.

I... I can't. There's no...

there's no ghost in here right now.

What about your Shaky Hand ghost?

That is a very good question.

One that I will pose to him

- when next I lain my eyes upon he. - Enough!

If this fat arse is not gonna answer our questions,

- we might as well get rid of him. - Oh, no, d-d-don't.

- Come on, please. - Swedish Mafia regulations

require that I ask and grant you...

any last wishes?

[ sighs in despair ]

Honestly, I'm so hungry, I can't think of any.

KEVIN: These meatballs are very delicious,

but I think there might be something wrong

with this brown tomato sauce.

SIEVERT: That's gravy, you idiot.

They're Swedish meatballs.

Flown in from Stockholm yesterday.

MIKAEL: Stockholm, a gorgeous city. Not dirty like New York.

Where beautiful women flow around like lingonberry soda.

Sounds like the Swedish place ever.

[ boisterous laughing ]

I'm starting to like you guys.

Oh, my God.

I'm not getting... Stockholm Syndrome, am I?

[ laughing ]

Well, am I? Is that a real thing? I don't even know.

GHOST: Excuse me.

- You're in my chair. - Sir Elton John?

Niklas Soderberg. Godfather of the Swedish Mafia.

I'm Kevin Pacalioglu,

the Godfather Part 3 of ghost communicators.

But, if you can hear me,

perhaps you can do something for me.

No, no. Now is not a good time.

Your men mean to kill me

if I can't think of a way to prove that I talk to ghosts.

I can talk to Don Soderberg!

I can talk to the Don.

The Don has been dead for months.

Yeah, he's standing right here.

His ghostis right here, right next to me.

Careful, vennen.

You have invoked the name of the most feared

and respected man

in the short history of the Swedish Mafia.

If you are lying, we will kill you where you stand.

- Sievert... - Hmm?

...if he can prove he talks to ghosts,

then we don't have to worry about bootlegger.

No more loose ends.

SIEVERT: Tell me

what song

would Don Soderberg play

before an execution?

Before an execution?

- Really? - Yeah.

"Lovefool" by the Cardigans.

[ awed silence ]

Sound right?

You're good.

Listen, I need you to do something for me.

It's extremely difficult for me but...

He's talking.

I'm... gay.

And I need you to tell my family

so that I can go from the dark into the Light.

That's it? Why didn't you tell your family before you died?

- That's no big deal. - What?! What is he say?!

N-No, no. W-What? This family?

No, if I tell them that, they'll just kill me.

If you don't tell us, we'll kill you!

Okay, okay. Okay...okay.

The Don...

was leading a double life as a homosexual.

He had an insatiable appetite for D.

[ whispering ]

He had to have it all the time

morning, noon and night in the mouth and in his...

kanelbulle and in his...

part of his body that I can't pronounce.

Now, don't shoot me. I assume you're already going to.

That sounds right.

The Don, he likes boys.

He likes the boys?

- You guys aren't upset? - SIEVERT: No.

Who among us hasn't sucked a kook or two?

Or three.

[ boisterous laughing ]

Yeah, we figured that was the case anyway.

Yeah, to the Don.

To the Don.

DON: Oh, my God. Such a relief.

I had a feeling they would be okay with it,

but I didn't know. But they did.

What was that?

That was the Don heading into his Light.

Him telling you guys that he was a homo

was his last unfinished business here.

- He's just gone... forever? - Yes.

But before he left, he told me to tell you guys

that you should let me go, so I'm gonna go.

Well, if the Don said so, it must be done.

Well, wait.

It is a tenet of the Swedish Mafia

that dead men don't talk.

But if ghostscan still talk...

those loose ends...

- they still loose. - Yah.

We're sorry but we can't let you go just yet.

Why not? The Don... he said.

We need you to help more ghosts move on, so they won't squeal.

All right, who?

For starters, the guy we killed in the movie theater.

Oh, don't forget about Alexander.

Oh, and the guy from the pizza place

who charge us 50 cents for using a credit card machine...

Okay! Okay, okay.

How many are we talking about here?

Twenty. Maybe 30.

Thirty?

Okay, are you guys nuts?

I mean that'll take forever.

Like, wouldn't it just be a lot less work to kill me,

the one guy that these ghosts can actually talk to?

I mean, am I crazy?

Remember who else we buried here?

The girl with the bangs from Forever 21.

"No returns" girl.

Dig with the knees, not with your back. What's wrong with you, man?

Oh, with my knees?

Oh, thanks, it's a good tip, Shaky Hands,

or should I say Flaky Hands.

Where have you been this entire time?

All you had to do was prove that you were dead,

and I wouldn't be in this mess.

Who are you talking to over there?

Huh? Nobody. Nobody.

Just singing myself a little hymen.

A what?

You know, a song you sing to God.

[ mouthing "hymen?" ] Hymn.

Yeah. Or her.

Excuse me.

[ whispering ] Find me some help.

How am I supposed to do that?

I don't know. I don't care.

You want to get rid of that nickname?

I am the only one who can do that, so go find help.

Figure it out. Go!

Shoo! Shoo!

What are you doing?

I'm digging my own grave here, man!

[ dramatic theme playing ]

Shaky, is that you, man?

[ gibberish ]

Come back here, man.

Magnus? Anders?

SIEVERT: I thought you guys had tickets to Mamma Mia?

Yes, well, the ticket guy neglected to mention

that the seats were behind a f--king column.

Oh, Shaky, you came back for me. Yes!

[ gibberish ]

Nobody move! Hands up! Hands up, man!

You okay, boy?

KEVIN: Do I look okay to you?

That is just about the most physical activity

I have done maybe in my entire life.

- Drop it! - Easy, man.

No, no, no.

MIKAEL: Bjorn, where did you come from?

I vas here earlier burying my masseuse.

I lost my vallet, so I'm retracing my steps to find it.

Gucci.

That's an expensive gun for a man wearing pajamas.

You know what...

that gun not real and neither your accent.

Vat?

GUCCI MAN: In Sweden, they never say "pajamas,"

always "payamas."

- He's right, Sievert. - SIEVERT: I know that.

He's just trying to cause trouble.

I'm as Swedish as lingonberry pie.

Lingonberry pie is not traditionally Swedish.

Swedish apple pie is or rhubarb.

Who are you?

NYPD!

Freeze, you're all under arrest!

Ha! We outnumber you. Anders, kill him.

Freeze...FBI!

Don't shoot, I'm CIA. BJORN: Wait, wait!

FDA!

We think those meatballs may have been horse.

What is going on?

Is everyone in the Swedish Mafia an undercover cop?

Guys, we really got to do a better job communicating.

Drop your guns! Now!

KEVIN: Ow! My hair is caught in your bracelet.

I have the upper hand here.

I want free passage back to Sweden or I--

- I kill him! - Owie! My hair.

[ gunshot ]

Oh! Whoa, Melville...

Don't worry, Kev. I've got a clean shot.

- Have you ever fired a gun before? - SHAKY: Hell, no,

but it should be the same as shooting a camera, right?

[ gunshots ]

GUCCI MAN: Shaky, even in death, you can't hold a gun steady.

I'm getting pretty fed up

with this Shaky Hands bullshit, mothaf--

[ gun fires ]

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Holy... F... Mackerel.

SIEVERT: Thank you.

We've been trying to take down the Swedish Mafia for months.

We couldn't have done it without your help.

Good. Thanks. That's great. Can I get that tape, please?

I gotta take it back to the bootleggers so I can get back to my job.

I was trying to hold on to that tape

because it's evidence of a Swedish mafia hit,

but it's actually just two cops

murdering an innocent Norwegian man in a theater.

No! No! You didn't have to do that.

SIEVERT: Sorry, man.

[ simultaneous chattering ]

Why you crying?

That tape was the evidence I needed to show everyone

that Shaky's hands were steady.

Evidence?

Man, the boy just licked off the steadiest shot

- me ever seen, yah. - Oh, you mean with the gun?

- Yeah, man. - Oh, no, that was an accident.

- What are you doing? - Ha! You know it, me knew

Shaky still have a shaky trigger finger, man.

Come on, knock it off.

Do you realize the reason he's sticking around

is because he's tired of being called Shaky Hands?

No, boy, me not make fun of him, man.

Me not just give anyone some nickname.

If me give you a nickname,

that's because me have respect for you.

Shaky, if you hear this, man, me want you to know me miss ya.

Even though you had the shaky hand,

me know you always loan me money when we need it.

Much respect, bredrin.

[ exhales ]

How you feel, bredrin?

I need to get high.

We'll go make that happen, you know.

Whoo! You need a shower though.

KEVIN: Somebody's gotta clean up that dead Swede, right?

GUCCI MAN: They got to. This is New York City.

[ dramatic theme playing ]

Oh, no, it's not!

Oh, no, we've been robbed!

- We've been robbed! - Oh, my God!

- We got robbed! - Where's the police at?!

Aw, damn, man!

Where the hell have you been?

Roofie, I screwed up. I'm so sorry.

- I give you one job to do. One job. - I know.

And this is how you repay me?

I was supposed to be gone for one minute,

and this guy came up to the newsstand,

He wanted my help with a ghost.

Then I got kidnapped by the Swedish mafia.

They made me dig my own grave,

won't let me finish my meatballs,

I could've starved to death,

but I did it. I did it for this.

Wow. It's a genuine Gucci bag.

And it's for you.

I just got tired of being such a taker, you know.

You're always giving me so much.

And I know how much you like Gucci 'cause you're black.

We actually like Prada too.

I'm so sorry, man.

I can't believe the newsstand got looted and ransacked.

I-- Uh, who robs a newsstand?

No, the place didn't get looted. I was messin' with you.

We clear out the inventory every week to balance the books.

In fact, the place actually made money

even though you weren't even here.

Well, you said some guy came to you at a newsstand,

and that's how you got the ghost job?

Yeah. I should've told him to buzz off.

No. You know what...

I think I've got an idea.

[ dramatic theme playing ]

What can I do for you, bub?

So is it true you're a medium?

At your service.

You talk to ghosts?

You bet your bottom dollar.

- And you do exorcisms? - And séances too.

I'll give you two for one, that's a steal, pal.

Cool. I'll take an Asian Sluts Quarterly.

A-- Asian--

Sluts Quarterly. You got it.

Yeah, yeah. I know-- I know where the Asian sluts are.

[ dramatic theme playing ]