Original subtitles

(car engine revving)

(brakes squealing)

(groaning)

Oh my God, what have you done now, Bill? (Gasping)

Oh, thank you. (Sighing)

Excuse me.

(groaning) My glasses.

My dear sir, crossing like that without looking?

Yes, you're right, it's my fault.

I was distracted.

He's dead, isn't he?

No!

Well, you're a gentleman, sir.

I'm glad that you admit that it was your fault.

What are you talkin' about?

His fault, is it?

I saw the whole thing, you know.

I saw you come out of that garage

like a bat outta hell, you were,

and instead of lookin' where you was goin' guvna,

you was arguin' with your wife!

We never ever argue!

Of course it was his fault!

It always is his fault!

Shut up!

Honestly, it's my fault, sir.

No it wasn't, it was his fault!

Look, if he says it was his fault,

Your glasses.

I'm a doctor, let me pass.

Don't touch him, very dangerous.

(sighing heavily)

He knew (groaning)

right where he was goin'!

Be quiet!

Mmm, would you like to listen?

No, no!

Will someone call an ambulance?

And the police.

No, no, no, no.

I'm really quite alright.

Edith's waiting for me.

Edith is my wife.

Today is our anniversary.

Oh, don't let me keep you from her.

No, of course not.

Oh, my goodness.

The present!

Where's the parcel?

Here it is.

Oh.

Yes, there it is.

That's it.

Is the ambulance coming?

I'm a witness, it's his fault.

I saw it all!

It's a cage, eh?

A cage.

Cage.

My, looks like a piece of the cage.

Another piece of the cage.

Another piece of the cage.

A canary.

A canary.

A canary.

(crying) And another poor canary!

What canary, are they dead, too?

It's china!

Oh, where is it?

Where the hell is that ambulance?

I saw it all, it was his fault!

(clinking)

Forgive me.

- Excuse me. - Pardon me.

Thank you very much.

Look, I don't know how to say this,

I don't want to offend you, but...

Oh, my dear, sir, no, I wouldn't think of it!

Certainly not!

Well, for your leg.

My leg is perfectly all right.

I don't feel a thing.

Ooh!

110 pounds, 120, 130,

140, 150, not bad, huh?

The English are a hell of

a lot more generous than we Americans.

(dixieland jazz music)

(toy boat motor humming)

(sighing heavily)

(phone clunking)

(phone dial cranking)

Yes, this is the Blue Star.

Phone call, Skipper!

Who is it?

Who do you think it is?

Him again.

[Man] Hello?

Hello...

- Hello? - (phone clunking)

Hello! (Muttering)

Hello!

[Man] I'll put the captain right on.

[Joe] You know how much they charge for these phones?

I'm gonna ram it right down his throat!

The person that sold me this telephone.

Hello!

Hello?

Yeah, listen, how about hittin'

one of them floatin' oil rigs?

If I did hit a rig, it would be the rig

that would sink, and not this ship!

[Joe] Nothin's ever good enough for you!

What's the matter, you chicken?

Whatever the cause of the rig sinking,

the cost that you, as the ship's owner,

would have to pay would be, like enormous.

Alright, now, listen.

How about hittin' one of those explosive mine things,

floatin' around loose?

As The Second World War ended

more than 30 years ago, it's hardly likely!

In other words, I gotta sink the damn ship

with my own bare hands!

A floating casino.

Gambling on the ocean, what a magnificent idea.

The money should be rolling in,

instead it's all turning to ashes.

We're not making a damn cent.

The floating casino, Joe, was your idea, not mine.

The pitching of the boat to disguise the fact

the roulette tables are fixed.

It was genius!

It took me years to figure it out, it couldn't fail!

Yes, in theory, but in practices you see, it doesn't work!

Alright, so how come people on land

will risk their shirts,

but once they get on a ship,

they won't pop worth a damn cent?

Oh, an expedient phenomenon of the Gauss can.

Huh?

(Chuckling) Oh, forget it.

Now, you want to hear a legal opinion from me, right?

I didn't bring you to Los Angeles, California

to bake in the sun!

Right, now, as things stand today,

your floating casino is costing you in the neighborhood of...

A dollar a minute, $60 an hour?

$1,500 a day,

$520,000 a year!

Okay, Joe, I understand.

Don't get nervous, calm down.

Well, it's like havin' a hole in your pocket.

As your faithful friend,

and as a man of the law, listen to my advice.

The only way to get rid of the Blue Star,

and to come out on top, is to organize a little sting.

A scheme!

Insurance company, right?

Isn't that what I've been trying to do, organize a sting?

But, that's not clever enough.

Those guys at the insurance company weren't born yesterday.

Joe, no, the way you want to do it, it would never work.

Instead, (chuckling)

The London Times.

Somebody took an ad.

A legal representative of an important client

is interested in inquiring a boat like yours.

A turboline, of recent construction.

At least 200 tons, prepared to pay five million dollars.

I got it, I got it.

You put the ad in the paper pretending

you wanna buy a boat like mine.

And some guy thinking that he's going to pull a sting

will come running to buy a boat for three million

to resell it to me for five.

And then, when he tries to find you to sell it,

you disappear into thin air!

Exactly.

Mmm hmm, alright, now to really make a beautiful thing,

we gotta find some guy,

some sucker who's crying to be taken.

Somebody who'll fall into the trap

without even knowing about it.

Somebody who thinks he's a genius, it's brilliant, Joe!

Mmm.

(upbeat music)

There's Charleston.

I must say, I haven't seen him

since we flew the coop.

I still think somebody turned us in.

Somebody who knew us.

You think it was Charleston?

Forcing us out of the good old USA.

Let's get him!

(upbeat music)

(elevator rumbling)

What's the matter now?

- What's going on? - What's wrong?

It stopped, wait a minute.

Try the door.

There's a button over there!

(men talking over each other)

There's Charleston, look!

(men talking over each other)

- There he is! - It's Charleston.

(men talking over each other)

Charleston, Charleston!

Charleston!

I can't get the door to open, Charleston!

I told you so many times, don't try shadowing anyone.

Even a blind man can give you the slip.

There's one more thing I've learned about your plan.

It's not worth a damn.

(footsteps stamping)

Never heard anything like it.

(footsteps stamping)

(door clicking open)

(light switch clicking)

Huh?

Your plan is impossible,

but it could be done.

How did you find out about it?

Get in here!

Sit down.

Sit over there.

(laughing)

I know because I went to your place, Frankie.

Your poor parrot hasn't been fed for two days.

Here's your diary, I found it in the bird cage.

I took it.

Do you know why?

Because if the police find it,

you'll have to do such a lot of explaining.

What, you kept a diary?

Stop yelling at him, Uncle Fred.

You make mistakes, too.

(Frankie laughing)

- See? - This is loaded with secrets.

I didn't do it, no.

He did.

No, no, no, I didn't, I didn't!

Ah, stop it.

Nice running into you, but, it seems you're

more stupid now than you were before. (Chuckles)

Our idea, I guess we forget it.

You're wrong, Captain.

The idea's good.

(men gasping and laughing)

I always said it was, it's so ingenious.

It's so simple, anybody else would buy the boat

for three million dollars,

Yeah, three million!

And then sell it for five million.

Five million...

Shut up.

But we can't sell it for five million

until we lay out for the three million.

It's a question of timing,

getting hold of a sum like three million.

(clucking tongue)

Isn't it?

Oh.

Look Charleston, are you with us, or not?

With you.

(laughing)

But,

- But? - But?

We can't make a mistake,

because what we're going to do

is a triple backflip, with no net, no parachute.

The first thing we need is a theater, a small one.

Not too well known, and not in the center of things.

(dixieland jazz music)

(swanky music)

(dixieland jazz music)

- Hey! - (thudding)

(rattling)

Have you finished?

Beg your pardon.

The lure of the old greasepaint!

I know, I know.

But now, check out the emergency exits.

Maybe we'll have to get out of here in a hurry.

And, remember, we're here to prepare a show.

And everybody has to believe us.

A few auditions, dances, things like that.

In other words, a little realism.

Don't you give it a thought.

I'll be the director.

Why you?

I put on a show, once!

In Sing Sing, wasn't it?

An all star cast.

It was a great success, that show.

Please, where's my dressing room?

Is my suit ready?

Yes sir, of course it is, and I put some lights

all around your mirror, I sent a telegram

to the ship owner, and one to the lawyer,

signed Anderson, just like you told me, okay?

Will you look at this place?

Rent a theater to gyp a ship owner.

I don't believe I ever met a ship owner.

This is really a weird theater,

the one thing I can't find,

the prompter, where does he sit...

(screaming) (crashing)

You found it, huh?

Yeah, wiseguy, you can help me to get up, now.

(water lapping)

(phone buzzing)

(electronic whistling)

Hello, Joe?

Hello, Joe?

Hello, hello, Morris.

Oh... (electronic whistling)

Hello!

Joe, hello, can you hear me?

- Morris! - (electronic whistling)

- Hello, Morris. - Hello, Joe!

Joe? (telephone ringing)

(splashing)

Wait, Morris, wait!

I dropped the phone in the pool, in the bottom!

Ah, that's better, I can hear you very clearly.

I've got some really excellent news!

The plan is working.

The fish has taken the bait!

(grunting)

(splashing)

Hold, hold on!

I'm coming, Morris!

Hello, hello, Morris?

Got a telegram from a Brazilian.

Somebody called Anderson offering us a boat like yours.

I got it over the telex

from a Brazilian guy named Anderson!

He wants to buy my boat!

I can't hear you, I can't hear a thing!

I'm taking the first plane to London!

Fine, very good.

Come to London, and maybe we'll be able

to understand each other over here!

Hmm! (Phone clunking)

(drawer slamming loudly)

(wincing)

(soft music)

(upbeat music)

(men speaking in foreign language)

(dixieland jazz music)

(door slamming)

Hello, Scotland Yard?

[Man] Yes.

Room 312, I wanna speak to that idiotic,

stupid-arse Sergeant Roy, please?

[Man] It's for you, Sergeant.

[Sergeant] Hello?

Sergeant Roy?

[Sergeant] Yes?

You listen to this little nugget, stupid.

This is a real, anonymous phone call.

I've already guessed that, go on.

You still lookin' for that fellow who

swindled the Stock Broker's Association some six months ago?

[Sergeant] The phony Swiss banker?

That's right, you still lookin' for him?

[Sergeant] Of course.

Well, you listen, closely.

(imitates trombone playing)

So, that's it!

Charleston, eh?

It was him, right?

How did you guess?

Okay, mister stool pigeon, get on with it.

Now answer this, how do we get our hands on this guy?

Where is he?

Well, he'll arrive in London in about five hours

on flight BC274, direct from New York.

(beeping)

(whistling)

(door slamming)

(van revving)

Whom do you wish to speak to?

Menon, M-E-N-O-N.

There's no one here by that name.

Of course not, I am Menon.

Menon, M-E-N-O-N.

Well, Mr. Menon, now that we have established

that you're called Menon, what can I do for you?

It's simple, tell the director Mr. Menon is here.

I have an appointment.

There's a Mr. Menon here to speak to you.

[Director] Send him in.

That door, please.

Thank you.

(typewriter keys clicking)

Excuse me, I forgot.

I'm waiting for a very important phone call.

Would you put it in the director's office, please?

(sighing) Certainly.

Thank you.

(typewriter keys clicking)

Please, could you advise the switchboard, as well?

(sighing) By all means, I'll warn the switchboard.

Thank you.

(secretary sighing)

(typewriter keys clicking)

You can tell the switchboard my name is Menon.

Menon.

Huh.

(sighing)

M-E-N-O-N.

Alright! (Gasps)

(cars revving)

(crashing)

Hey, there's a stop sign!

What a bang.

Halt, don't move in!

I'm a doctor!

Hold it, hold it, wait a minute, hold it!

[Man] His eyes are open.

Don't touch it.

- Don't touch him. - Who's touching him?

I'm a doctor.

(men chattering)

Don't move him, could be dangerous.

[Man] Lord knows what they'll say at the gallery.

[Second Man] This'll make us even later.

I mean, did you see him coming?

[Man] No, I was driving along as I always do, carefully.

[Second Man] Yeah, but he was right there in front of us.

[Man] I know he was, but there was

nothing I could do about it!

You gotta be more careful.

I'm always careful! (Muttering)

(van revving)

As my painting is cataloged, you understand my amazement.

I said to myself, "How could such a world famous gallery"

"so beautifully run, how can they organize an exhibition"

"related to Gauguin and forget my painting?"

It's absurd! (Giggling)

I thought my invitation had to be lost in the mail,

and so, I decided to bring in my painting personally.

(chuckling)

(sighing)

And here we are.

(sighing)

I'm very sorry, Mr. Menon,

but this painting is a fake!

What?

I'm afraid it's true.

But, excuse me, but, it is signed.

(chuckling) This has got nothing to do with Gauguin.

Gauguin has a different style, another touch,

a different sensibility.

(slamming)

(Charleston chuckling)

It's strange, excuse me, but it's really strange.

What is so strange about it, Mr. Menon?

Well, you, why you're expert.

When you say this is a fake, it's a fake, no doubt.

But, a friend of mine, who you know very well,

assured me that this painting is authentic.

And who would this friend be?

(slamming)

(sighing) Watkins, Richard Watkins.

Oh?

(doorbell ringing)

Mr. Watkins?

Morning, Sir, we've come about the painting, sir.

The painting, sir.

Today?

Yes, sir, today.

'S'right.

Your permission, excuse us.

(clanking)

Don't cry over tea! (Laughing)

(clanking)

Sorry.

(banging) To the left.

Show us your papers, young men.

You don't think that I'm going to hand over my painting

to the first two who knock on my door?

Come on, let's see your identification.

No, sir, actually, we haven't

come to pick up the painting, sir.

We've only come to photograph it.

Photograph it?

What does that mean?

You're going to exhibit the photograph?

You guessed it, sir, exactly.

It seems they don't want your painting anymore, sir.

It's pretty.

Don't want my painting anymore? (Chuckling)

Who doesn't want my painting anymore?

It's all explained in that letter, sir.

(paper rustling)

Don't want my painting anymore.

Have they gone mad?

Doubtful authenticity?

Yes, they have gone mad!

Who the hell is this Mr. Men-non, Menon?

Our leading art expert, sir.

If you, if you try phoning him now, sir,

he might just be at his office.

Expert? (Chuckling)

I'm used to dealing with experts, and...

(papers rustling)

We'll show him who is an expert!

He's in with the director.

[Director] Yes?

There's a call for Mr. Menon.

Put it through.

May I?

Thank you.

Hello, Menon speaking.

Oh, it's Mr. Watkins.

Would you mind telling me what the hell is going on?

It's been months!

It's been months, you've been asking me for months

to have my painting for the exhibition!

The painting is of dubious authenticity.

Dubious, it isn't dubious, it's a monstrosity!

He's very nervous.

The director's just telling me that this painting,

yes, yes, looks very suspicious,

- very suspicious. - Suspicious?

Much worse than that!

He's being stubborn.

Nonsense, complete and utter nonsense!

Will you talk to him, please?

Good morning, Mr. Watkins...

[Watkins] What's good about it?

I've never been so insulted in my life!

Mr. Menon does not want to press the issue.

[Watkins] I repeat, dare, to doubt

the authenticity of my painting...

The painting, the Gauguin, is not merely suspicious,

it's not even a good fake!

[Watkins] Utter stupidity!

You're a fake, and that idiot

who pays your salary every month to,

I repeat, I demand that you

exhibit my painting, as you said you would.

Yes, I will do as you ask me.

Excuse me, sir, about that letter,

ignore it and tear it up.

I have already!

(papers rustling)

(slamming)

Fool. (Chuckling)

Now, where's the key?

Ah, yes, my father owned 100 horses,

two training stables, a castle in Yorkshire,

and a priceless art collection.

All that is left is this.

That's all?

Yes, my mother lost the rest

during 20 years of roulette in Monte Carlo.

Now this idiot comes along

and tells me the painting's a fake.

Me, not the fool.

You're taking it!

(alarm sounding)

Let's get outta here!

I forgot the alarm!

Go ahead and get the box!

(chuckling)

Careful.

Yes, sir, yes.

Easy, go easy.

(loud thudding)

(doors slamming)

Good mornin'!

Let's go.

(van revving)

(van clunking)

(upbeat music)

(brakes squealing)

(crashing)

(brakes squealing)

(crashing) (chattering)

John, John, are you all right?

Speak, John.

I'll get it,

(chattering)

I'm going to show you.

[Man] Up we go!

Oh, good morning, Inspector.

Having a spot of trouble with your brakes?

I'm sorry, Peter, no they're fine.

Just feeling a little irritable this morning, that's all!

Yes, sir!

What's so different about this morning?

Nothing at all.

And, besides, my name is John!

(upbeat music)

[Man] Morning, Inspector!

(Inspector grunting)

Good morning, Inspector!

(upbeat music)

(muttering)

(upbeat music)

Roy!

Coming, Inspector.

How are you, Inspector?

(papers rustling)

Good morning, Inspector.

And, what's happened to you this morning?

This morning is not like other mornings.

You're telling...

Anything can happen on a day like today.

What's happened this morning

that makes it so different from any other morning?

What happened?

Something unbelievable.

(chuckling) Yes, unbelievable.

How do you know?

I received an anonymous phone call! (Laughing)

(slamming)

(sighing heavily) Listen, Roy,

someone has decided to ruin me.

They want war, and they're going to get it,

but if you think that you can come in here

just because of what happened this morning

and make me feel an idiot by grinning all over your face,

you're very much mistaken, I won't stand for it!

Inspector...

Oh, be quiet.

(sighing)

Who, apart from you knows about it?

About what?

About the...

Anonymous phone call?

Yes, the anonymous phone call.

Nobody knows about it.

You think I'm gonna go round just telling anyone?

It's too serious a matter!

Oh, fine, Roy, fine.

So, it's just between you and me, is it?

Surely.

Oh, good. (Chuckling)

Do have a drink, I need one.

No, thank you.

Ah, well, well listen, in spite of 20 years experience

and a brilliant record, as you know,

I'm prepared to admit it.

I allowed myself to be ripped off like an idiot.

(clearing throat)

Like an idiot!

But, I don't want to be reminded of it!

May I give you a little advice, Inspector?

No, what?

Don't tell me anything else.

Why?

Because, perhaps we're talking across purposes.

You're telling me something personal

that I shouldn't know about, and to be quite honest,

I really don't want to know, really.

(chuckling)

Perhaps you're right, Roy, yes, perhaps you're right.

(chuckling)

But, probably everything would be very much clearer

if you told me what the hell

that anonymous phone call of yours was all about!

(dixieland jazz music)

(airplane engine whirring)

(dixieland jazz music)

(airplane engines humming)

(door rattling)

(dixieland jazz music)

(curtains clattering)

(dixieland jazz music)

(curtains clattering)

Thank you.

(airplane engine whirring)

Inspector Watkins, Scotland Yard Interpol Department.

I have a warrant for your arrest,

Mr. Bryan, alias Charleston.

That's interesting, but I think there's a mistake.

My name's Parker, Peter Parker peeping.

We also have a warrant for Peter Parker,

and one for Jeremy Harvey,

and one for Abdul Husseys, is that enough?

Do you have a blank one?

That, too.

Then, write.

Your name?

Douglas.

[Roy] Surname?

Douglas.

He said surname.

And I said Douglas.

Douglas D. Douglas, DDD.

Come on.

(airplane engines whirring)

The Hilton Hotel.

[Roy] Are you getting out there, Inspector?

No, Mr. Douglas is.

Reeling with humor.

(airplane engines whirring)

(car engine revving)

Hello, Morris?

Morris, Morris?

Ah, at last, where are you?

What do you mean, where am I?

I'm in my office, where you called me!

Where are you?

Morris, don't start wasting time!

I'm in a car!

I got that, Joe.

You're in a car, but where is the car?

These damn lawyers, they wanna know everything.

Alright, where, (popping) where,

where, where are we?

Road from the airport to the center of London, sir.

Ah, so you're in London!

Couldn't you have said it?

What harm could it have done?

No harm, Morris, no harm.

But you see, you never understand anything I'm saying.

Never mind, Morris, never mind.

You stay put, because I'm coming to you.

No, no, no, you can't come to me, it's dangerous.

Well you come to me, then!

Try to understand.

You can't come here, we mustn't be seen together.

If Anderson sees us together,

he will know that we're working together!

Who is this Parkingson?

Not Parkinson, Anderson!

Anderson, Parkinson, what's the diff,

listen, Morris, you do it your way.

That's what I pay you for.

But, I don't mind telling you something, Morris.

I don't mind telling you this,

you have a very lousy telephone personality

and I can't talk to you!

(clattering)

(car engine humming)

I didn't know English persons had such class.

You will have to learn not to underestimate me, Douglas.

Shall we go in?

Alright.

(upbeat music)

Impressive, isn't it?

Mmm-Hmm.

Well, aren't you going to look around?

I've seen them all before.

The suites at the Savoy are better.

'Course they are.

'Specially when paid for by other people's money!

Exactly.

One thing is definite, Douglas,

the cells in our jails are worse, much worse.

And I'd like to throw you in there.

That's if I decide to do it.

Let's go, then.

Now, wait a moment.

I have an offer to make to you, please.

If you accept my offer, you can stay here, as my guest.

If you don't...

If I don't, you'll put me in jail, unless...

Exactly, now listen.

(Charleston playing piano softly)

I'll pretend not to have caught you

if you help me out with a delicate situation.

A private matter involving a painting.

Your help could clinch it.

No.

Why not, Charleston?

Because my name is Douglas, and I'm not about

to become a cop informer, understand?

I'm going to make you pay dearly for this.

More dearly than you think!

(Charleston plays piano softly)

Blackmail worthy of a cop.

I can't think of a better definition for it.

(clinking)

(Charleston plays piano softly)

Alright, what's the story?

(Chuckling) Now, it's like this.

Some damned Indian conned a minister's girlfriend,

and the minister happens to be a friend of mine, and...

Hold it, something isn't right.

Why?

(chuckling) Because you're too interested.

All this, for a minister's girlfriend?

Ministers come and go, so do their girlfriends.

No, no, Inspector.

The guy who got his tail burned

is right here with me in this room.

Got his tail burnt, is that what you call it?

Mm-Hmm.

Mm-Hmm, have a drink, I need one.

(quirky music)

(bell dinging)

Good morning.

Show the gentleman to room 306.

Follow me, sir.

(quirky music)

Hello, give me room 305, please.

(humming)

(phone ringing)

(grunting)

(phone ringing)

Hello, hello, hello!

(splashing)

Ah, sheez, oh, oh, wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

(clunking)

Hello, hold on, hold on, will ya?

Oh, geez. (Sputtering)

Hello!

Hello, Joe?

Who is it?

Joe, it's me, Morris.

Oh, Morris, I knew it would be you!

I'm in the hotel.

What?

In your hotel!

That's good, come on up!

I'm already up, I'm in room 306.

What are you doing in room 306

- when I'm in 30... - Our rooms are connected.

(groans)

Now, if you open your connecting door,

and I open mine, we can see each other

without anyone else knowing about it, Joe!

Morris, please don't start with all this confusion.

I mean, just because you can't use the telephone?

Okay, okay. (Sighing)

(sighing)

(sputtering)

Morris, Morris!

This is the door!

Joe, use your key!

Did you find it?

- Aww, Morris. - Yes?

- Morris? - Yes!

Morris!

Coming!

Morris! (Thudding)

Morris, I'm telling you something.

All this complication because you can't use the telephone!

And I wanna tell you something else.

You're little plan is beginning to stink a little bit.

- I'm gonna use my old plan. - Joe.

Yes, ah yes!

Hello, hello, hello?

But, what are you doing?

Wait a second, let me talk to you!

Operator, this is a very urgent call.

(distant chattering)

Hello?

It's me, listen, how about

hitting one of them iceberg things?

That's a very good idea.

Maybe I might find it a little difficult

in the middle of the Mediterranean!

Well, that' you're problem.

Go and find one, anyway.

What are you talkin' about North Pole?

They float around, don't they?

Whaddaya talkin' about outta season?

Okay, okay! (Slamming phone)

I'm gonna get rid o' that guy.

I mean, who does he think he is?

What does he mean, out of season?

What is this, some kind of conspiracy?

(sighing)

Morris, Morris!

(groaning)

Your plan is beginning to stink a little less.

Sorry about beatin' ya on the head.

(chuckling)

(lively piano music)

(upbeat music)

(loud popping)

My balloon, he broke my balloon! (Crying)

Don't carry on like that,

we'll go out and buy another one.

(gasping)

What are you doing here, Fred?

Making things even more confused.

If it's Morris you're tailing,

that's supposed to be my job.

Don't you start telling me what I oughta do,

and I'm not following Morris, anyway,

I'm following Lo Monaco, shut up!

Oh my, you mean they're both here?

Where's yours going to stay?

In 305.

Mine is in 306!

It can't be a coincidence!

I've got an idea they know each other.

And if they know each other,

it means someone has been taken for a ride.

Like us, oh no!

I want my painting back, at any cost, Douglas,

because apart from its value, which is all I have,

or had, my pride's been hurt.

Do you understand?

Yes, I understand,

but it won't be easy to find it, even for me.

And maybe I'll need your cooperation.

(distant chattering)

Is this place taken?

No, no.

You know...

(newspaper rustling)

You know what I wanted to be

if I hadn't become a policeman?

A surgeon, I was already studying for it,

and not doing badly, either,

in Paris, that was, Lemon tea, please.

Where we lived because of my mother, who is French.

My father had left us a fortune, but in Paris,

my mother was catching one of the...

(Morse Code beeping)

(upbeat music)

(Morse Code beeping)

(Watkins chattering)

(Morse Code beeping)

(gasping) Sorry.

(smacking) Sorry.

Sorry.

(gasping)

(distant chattering)

Coming back to us, what would you like me to do?

Well, first of all, if you want me to help you,

I want to be free to move round without any hassle.

And second, I want your word

of honor that I won't be followed.

Alright, but you'll have to promise me that

you won't just disappear.

Okay.

(men chuckling)

(upbeat music)

Hey, we're giving up.

Better send everybody away.

I haven't finished yet.

Send them away, anyway!

(upbeat music)

You two should try, because he says he won't stop.

You better make him understand.

We gotta send all this stuff back, and right away.

He understood, and he says

he'll never get another opportunity like this.

He wants to enjoy it to the last.

After all, it wasn't his fault that

the plan's a complete washout.

We even look like dummies in front of old Charleston.

Typical of us to drag a genius like Charleston

into a cheap American's dirty little con trick.

He's real greedy, that boat owner.

And for our sake, I wish he woulda lost!

(upbeat music)

That's it, that's enough, that's enough!

(Frankie singing)

Sorry, everybody, I've got bad news.

The show is closing before it starts.

That's enough, nothing, I haven't finished yet!

You're only the director, I'm the producer,

and I'm telling you it's over and finished,

- understand? - You're wrong, Mr. Producer.

The show goes on, now!

That's terrific!

Hey, Frankie, get them in shape!

(Charleston playing piano)

Now, girls, give the show everything you've got!

Alright, girls, get back in line.

What happened, I heard that everything,

Uncle Fred said that it was all over.

We were ready to cancel the whole thing, yeah.

(Charleston playing piano)

I'm sorry, perhaps I wasn't very clear

- with my foot telegraphy. - Wrong foot.

No, no, you were very clear.

The buyer of the boat

and the five million dollars don't exist.

You get it?

Morris and the boat owner are in it together.

Terrific.

I knew it all the time.

(gasping)

I always said to myself, "They're way of stinging"

"the boat owner isn't going to work."

I know the way for stinging Lo Monaco.

Can we do it?

Of course, and today is a good day.

(piano glissing)

(Uncle Fred laughing)

(upbeat music)

Hello, this here's an anonymous phone call.

Anonymous phone call?

What the hell is that s'posed to mean,

an anonymous phone call, who is this?

Now, an anonymous phone call is a very serious affair.

You're not supposed to know...

Hold on a minute, will ya?

[Frankie] Hello, hello?

Morris, Morris, will you get in here?

- Hello? - Get in here,

I got a phone call.

You there?

What?

(smacking) (groaning)

Get over here, come on, I got an anonymous phone call.

Go ahead.

I've got important information.

You have to pay 10,000 pounds for it.

10,000 pounds!

Now, look here!

Wait a minute, 10,000 pounds?

The information I've got is worth five times more.

It's worth millions of dollars.

If you're interested, meet at

the Marrick Park corner in an hour, Okay?

Okay, I'll try to raise it.

You've heard of Mr. Anderson?

If he knew I was makin' this call, I'd be dead.

So, it's up to you, for the risk I've taken,

I can't take less than 10,000 pounds, understand?

I get it!

Can't you give a discount to Americans?

No discounts, I won't haggle over the price.

(phone slamming)

(horse hooves trotting)

(car engines revving)

Stop, if my information's correct, it must be those two.

You recognize 'em?

Which two, I don't see anyone?

Those two there on the corner.

They call them The Cat and the Fox.

Those two came to my house and stole my painting!

Right, hey, hold it.

Where are you going?

They were paid to do it.

I'm going to put them on the rack.

By the time I've finished with them,

they'll be begging to tell me

who the hell they gave my painting!

They wouldn't tell you a thing.

Close the door.

(door slamming)

Don't put them on the rack,

they don't even know who they're working for, but I do.

There's the brains of this operation,

laughing behind your back.

That car is his office.

He's surrounded by gorillas

and he gives his orders by phone.

They must be the ones.

Stop and ask them.

(popping)

Stop and ask them!

(tires squealing)

[Henchman] Get in.

Follow them, Watkins, and remember it,

because he still has your painting.

Why couldn't we have finished this on the phone?

No, I'd say not.

Seeing as how you've got something for us.

Why don't we get on with it?

(slapping)

You see that, he just paid them.

And not badly, either.

That was a nice stack of notes.

You know when you steal from a cop, the price is double.

You know how it is.

You know Anderson?

Yes, I'm afraid so, we work for him.

How we work for him.

He's got this little theater here in London,

and he's getting show together to tour the world.

But, but, we're not happy.

Well, who's happy?

Why, about the show?

No, it's Anderson we're not happy with.

We don't like him, he's tough and, well,

and he's got no scruples.

And he keeps changin' his mind every five minutes.

And he keeps changin', shut up.

Shut up.

He's crazy, crazy!

Hey, how 'bout gettin' to the point?

Yes, yes of course, this is it.

I know you'll be satisfied.

Now, Anderson is about to buy

a boat from you, isn't he, for three million dollars?

Go on.

He's only buyin' it because an attorney called.

- Morris. - Morris.

Morris?

It's all here, he's lookin' for a boat

exactly like yours for a client

and he's prepared to pay five million,

- five million! - Five.

Five million.

Do you get it?

Mm-Hmm, Mm-Hmm.

And this is the information that's worth 10,000?

What's the matter, did you get the customer's name and...

Stop the, stop the car!

(tires squealing loudly)

(tires squealing)

[Henchman] Outside!

[Joe] Out!

(car engine revving)

(car horn honking)

He doesn't waste much time, the American.

No, even we had a code of honor, once, not anymore.

(clicking)

Morris!

(coxswain shouting instructions)

Watkins, we need a good idea.

You don't think arresting him is a good idea?

(chuckling) stop thinking like a cop.

You put him in jail,

and you've gotta let him right out again,

because you don't have anything, really, on him.

And would you get your painting back?

What we need's something else.

Like what?

Like I said, a good idea.

He'll look for a sucker

to take the painting off his hands.

We'll find him a sucker.

A sucker called Anderson.

He's a rich Brazilian, half impresario, half business man,

adventurer, playboy, he can smell a deal a mile away.

And when there's money involved,

he doesn't lose time asking questions.

Where is this Anderson?

Close to you, closer than you think.

Oh, (chuckling) you!

I thought of that.

You see, to put the squeeze on this boat owner,

Our Senor Anderson must walk a tight rope.

The man is ruthless, and overly suspicious.

And he's out to sting the stinger!

I've got it, Anderson, to appear more credible,

is getting a show ready in this theater,

am I guessing correctly?

Not bad, you're beginning to catch on quickly!

But still...

Still problems?

Yes, because unfortunately, there are certain things

that even a hardened criminal, say, like me, can't do.

What we need is a terribly crooked cop, like you, Watkins.

(Watkins chuckling)

Police, call the manager.

Yes, sir.

Hallo, the police are here, sir.

Yes, they're coming up.

You control the fire escape,

you control the ventilation system.

There's a terrible smell in here!

- Yes, inspector. - Follow me.

Go and check the kitchen,

make sure the sanitation rules are being violated.

I'm sure they are.

That's my boy, go on. (Chuckling)

Good morning, Inspector, what's the problem?

You're the manager?

Yes, what's the trouble?

The trouble is that this place is a mess,

- yes, a mess! - A mess?

You're not observing the fire laws,

or the sanitation laws, and the ventilation system stinks.

I think their must be some mistake.

No mistake, it stinks.

I've been getting a lot of

anonymous letters about this place.

Anonymous letters?

How else would I know all about it?

Show me the books.

Books, which books?

All of them.

(distant chattering)

Mr. Lo Monaco, Mr. Lo Monaco?

What?

Lo Monaco?

Lo Mona, oh, me, that's me.

You have an appointment with Mr. Anderson?

Yeah.

Fine, I'm the secretary, follow me,

I'll tell him right away.

(guests chattering)

Please, one minute.

(guests chattering)

(speaking French)

The man is here.

Mmm-Hmm. (Snapping fingers)

Sir.

(roulette wheel rattling)

(guests chattering)

(surveillance camera whirring)

Good, good.

I'm glad to be of assistance to you, Inspector,

but I'd hate to lose any of my chips.

What makes you think that?

He's one of my most trusted men.

There you are.

(guests chattering)

(roulette wheel rattling)

Here's your pay.

Would you be so good as to follow me...

Yeah, wait a minute.

(guests chattering)

(clunking)

Thank you, sir!

You see, you see, there's one gone already!

Don't worry, you'll get it back.

At the end of the evening, we'll have everyone searched.

[Joe] Place does alright.

Please, come in, Mr. Anderson will be here very soon.

Oh, I'm in a hurry!

He's coming at once, please, go in.

Thank you.

You're Mr. Morris?

Yes?

You've an appointment with Mr. Anderson?

Yes.

Splendid, I'm his secretary, I'll tell him at once.

Will you follow me, please?

(guests chattering)

(slot machine clattering)

(banging)

(slot machine clattering)

(slamming)

Hi. (Giggling)

(loud banging)

Damn machine!

Mr. Lo Monaco.

Hey, yeah.

I'm Antonio Pietro Moreno Dalaveres Anderson.

Oh.

Just call me Mr. Anderson.

Oh, it's very nice to meet you, Mr, uh...

How you doin', I'm very happy to meet you.

An embrace, Brazilian style.

(fake laughing) Thank you!

Sorry I'm late, I had a very bad evening.

Oh, that's alright, that's alright.

I'm sure you realize how very anxious we are

to close the deal, my lawyer is right in here.

So, if you'd just follow me,

I'm sure that everything will be taken,

everything will, ah...

You like this machine?

Who, me?

Yes.

No.

For good luck, please.

Well, okay. (Spits)

Thank you.

(chuckling) you're welcome.

(clattering)

(slot machine whirring)

See? (Sighing)

(coins clattering rapidly)

Ah, The same thing happened yesterday, at the first coin,

(imitates coins clattering) jackpot.

It's funny, isn't it?

(nervously laughing) Very funny, very funny.

Mr. Parkinson, please, if you'll just come this way.

Mr. Parkinson,

my attorney is right here, I must tell you what

- where we need to sign, - happened last week

in Las Vegas, I never saw anything like it.

I played this machine for two nights,

and never saw one single cherry.

Incredible, isn't it?

This is my attorney, Mr. Black.

Brown.

Black, Brown, what's the difference, same thing!

How do you do, Mr. Black-Brown?

Brown.

Mr. Black-Brown has everything all ready.

Since we have already discussed the price on the phone,

there's nothing to do but sign.

We could drink something, first.

Oh, no, no, no, I don't drink,

and I'm gonna be late.

I leave for New York tonight.

New York in the morning, London in the afternoon,

and New York at night.

(slapping) (groaning)

You're a globetrotter.

You Brazilians.

No, that's French here.

Oh, thank you!

Ah, these are the ship's documents.

Now, where is that, oh yeah.

And this is a recent survey

of the conditions of the ship.

Would you like to check it?

No, I trust you.

Ah, you see, he trusts me.

Let's get on with it.

These are the insurance policies.

For seven million dollars, you told me.

Exactly, like I said.

And this is the bill of sale, so,

would you like to sign it, now?

You first, please.

Me, well, of course.

Right here, Mr. Lo Monaco.

(sighing)

(muttering) (chuckling)

(pen scratching)

(door clicking open)

Excuse me, Mr. Anderson, the wheel has come up red

eight times in a row, now, what shall I do?

- Nonsense! - (Banging)

I've never heard of eight reds in a row,

that combination's impossible, I've never heard of that!

Excuse me, sir, I'll be right back.

Oh, ooh, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute!

Don't you wanna sign the contracts before you go?

Sorry, for sure, thanks.

It's pretty important for me, I guess,

eight times red, I never saw that.

You're a gambler, you're a gambler, I'm sure.

Then you know how important it is for me to go see...

You can leave, seriously...

Before you go, don'tcha wanna sign this?

Uh, Mr., Mr., would...

Now the other one.

He's over there.

Cigar.

Thank you very much.

Thanks, Speedy Gonzales.

The name is Brown.

Morris, Morris?

I don't hear you, I don't hear you!

Raise the antenna!

(antenna boinging)

Morris, Morris!

Now I hear you, Joe.

Be careful, he hasn't signed yet.

But I know what he's up to.

He wants to sell the ship to you,

and with the money that you give him, buy it from me.

He hasn't got a chance, Joe.

Over and out!

Mr. Morris!

Yes?

Don Antonio Pietro Estinio Moreno Dalavera Anderson.

Oh, pleased to meet you, Mr. Anderson.

It's a great pleasure for me.

(slapping)

I have a little present for you, just came from Brazil.

A Cigar.

- Oh! - What an aroma, eh?

Have you got everything ready?

Or have you reconsidered?

Reconsidered?

What are you talking about, we said...

Go, please.

(sucking loudly)

What're you talking about, Mr. Anderson?

I have here all the necessary papers.

This is the power of attorney,

but I'm afraid there is a little hitch.

Don't tell me. (Chuckling)

I'm waiting for a definite confirmation from my client.

He's calling me any minute.

And maybe your client changed his mind?

Oh no, absolutely, look, I have the checks here,

all ready for you, already signed!

I think I told you, I'll only take cash.

Ah, yes, I remember, of course.

Well, that's another hitch!

Maybe you wanna put it off till tomorrow.

No, why?

Because maybe there's a little

trouble finding money at this time of night.

No, no, I can solve this right now.

Besides, I have a case outside London tomorrow.

No, I'll make a couple of phone calls

and you will see, in 15 minutes,

I will have this whole thing taken care of!

15 minutes, you say?

Yes, at the most!

Then in 15 minutes, I'll be back, Mr. Morris.

Incredible, really incredible.

I never saw anything like this, look at that,

red 12 consecutive times.

You know when I stopped?

On the 11th.

No, on the 12th, I wouldn't let go!

(laughing)

My compliments, well, shall we sign, now?

Sign what?

The contracts.

Oh, oh, yes, excuse me, excuse me.

(papers rustling)

[Joe] Just sign on the dotted line. (Laughing quietly)

Should we finish tomorrow?

I was a bit too lucky tonight.

No, no, I already told you,

I have to leave for New York tonight.

Haven't I hung around long enough?

Oh, I remember, New York, London,

yes, yes, right, okay.

(papers rustling)

And the third million.

(paper tearing)

(chuckling)

And, uh, now the contract.

(chuckling)

(sighing)

And, now, they're waiting for me at roulette.

It's very important.

Oh, very important, very important!

(slamming)

(slamming)

(door creaking)

Mr. Lo Monaco?

He's left.

I knew it.

He said to say good luck, he was in a hurry.

These are yours.

Thank you, oh, Mr. Blount.

Yes?

This contract's legal?

Completely, the ship is now yours, Mr. Anderson.

Are you sure?

Certainly, my compliments.

(door clicking shut)

Hotel Royal, I wanna speak to Mr. Lo Monaco.

Lo Monaco, L-O M-O-N...

(phone ringing)

(giggling) Oh, my dress, you bear.

(phone ringing)

Oh, dear!

Hey, you give up so quickly.

Why doesn't he answer the phone?

Must be in bed already.

You wait for me, just one second.

Just a second, be right back, okay?

Okay, where are you going?

I'll be right back!

- Don't be long! - Darling, dearest.

(snoring) (phone ringing)

Joe, Joe!

(screaming)

- Who's that, - Please, Joe,

Joe, it's me, who's that, who's that?

- It's Morris. - Somebody shut the lights.

Somebody shut the lights!

(whimpering)

There, now the lights are on.

- Oh, Morris. - (phone ringing)

Whaddaya want?

They want you on the phone.

What?

They want you on the phone!

(phone ringing)

Speak louder, I can't hear you.

They want you on the telephone!

(phone ringing)

What, what's the matter, you lost your voice!

- No, Joe! - Huh?

On the telephone!

Hold on, I'll give you Mr, Lo Monaco.

(grunting)

Hello, hello?

[Commander] Joe?

Hello?

[Commander] Joe, it's me, Joe, lemme...

There's nobody there, Morris.

Who is these, hello?

- Nobody's there. - Joe?

[Operator] This is the operator at Port Saeed.

[Commander] Joe, it's me.

[Morris] Joe, your earplugs!

- You hear me? - Hello!

(gasping)

[Commander] Joe, it's me, Joe, ya hear me?

(chuckling)

Who is it?

Mr. Saeed.

Mr. Saeed, never heard of Mr. Saeed!

Never heard of him, you woke me up

for someone I never heard of?

But it sounded so urgent!

Oh, hello?

[Commander] This is the Commander, is that you, Joe?

Yeah.

Mr. Saeed.

[Commander] I'm calling from Port Saeed.

From Port Saeed.

Joe, I did it, I did it!

You did what?

Whaddaya mean what?

The ship, I sank the ship.

- He sank. - What did he say?

The ship, you understand?

He sank it?

He sank the ship!

The war, Joe, the war.

(groaning)

- He sank the damn ship! - (Commander chattering)

You didn't think of the war, Joe.

I threw myself into the middle of it.

I opened up the hole, The war?

And down she went.

The war, he sank the ship!

Oh, the war!

Joe, wait a minute.

The damn war, he throws himself right in the middle of it.

But, what war?

The Arabs and Israelis.

Oh, so what else is new? (Chuckling)

Morris, come over here, look at this.

I've just received a telephone call

from our reporter in Cairo,

which enables us to give you first-hand information

on the present situation in the area.

Our recent reports on the battle fronts

are still rather contradictory.

The war is waging mainly along

the Golan Heights and the Suez Canal area.

In the meantime...

He pulls the plug out, can you believe it?

I'm gonna break his head.

Two years, two years, I been

telling him to sink that damn ship!

He finally does it one hour after I sold it!

But, you're really a very lucky man, Joe!

Think of that Anderson!

Three million dollars right at the bottom of the sea!

(laughing)

- I'll be right... - Where's your brains?

Get over here!

That ship is insured for seven million dollars!

(groaning)

Ah, even in case of war?

Yes, of course, I made the contract with lawyers here.

Anderson just pulled off the biggest deal of his life.

Well, there's no point in, and if that's how it is,

there's no point in thinking about it.

Sleep on it, good night.

Good night, good night?

Whaddaya, crazy, good night?

- Babyface, - Huh?

- Babyface? - Morris.

Morris?

Yes.

Come over here, come on, come on.

Morris, we can still pull it off.

It's going to be difficult.

- If you. - Yes.

If you get it together, we can walk home

with five million dollars, you understand?

- Five million dollars! - Five million dollars.

(quirky music)

(tires screeching)

(tires screeching)

(phone vibrating)

What is it, Joe?

Morris, Morris, everything okay?

Everything alright, any problems?

No, but it isn't easy this time of the night

in London to find such a lot of cash.

I've been to three contacts already!

Alright, now listen to me, Morris, listen to me.

You go out and check out

all of Jack Corleone's bedding shops.

Now, he knows my checks!

If that doesn't work, you go down and see him personally.

You understand me, Morris, personally.

This is the best time,

because now he's checkin' all the day's receipts.

But, move, Morris, move, Morris,

because if Anderson gets wind of this and hears the news,

we'll never be able to take him!

(car rumbling)

(tires squealing)

(car engine revving)

Two destroyers, a cruise ship,

and two torpedo boats were hit directly.

Two of the ships belonging

to other nations were also destroyed.

The Norwegian Prater Sundstrom,

and the passenger liner Blue Star.

They're flying the Liberian flag.

Fortunately, there were no casualties,

the crew and the passengers have been able

to reach Port Saeed, but both ships

have been completely destroyed.

(clattering)

The crew and the passengers of both ships

are, for the time being guests...

(clattering drowns out Reporter)

Operator!

(tires screeching)

Morris, listen, it just came over the television set,

the name of the ship, everything!

Let's hope that Senor Anderson isn't watching television!

Five explosions ripped The Blue Star's keel apart.

No one had observed an aircraft in the immediate vicinity.

Oh, here's the captain of The Blue Star.

Oh, aren't you the captain of The Blue Star, sir?

Yes, I am.

And, why are you in the hospital, sir?

Have you and the others been injured in action?

No.

It's a pity, they shoulda killed you!

Where was your ship damaged?

An enormous hole in the starboard bow.

She sank almost at once.

And, do you think that there's a chance

that you can salvage your ship?

No chance at all, she was totally destroyed.

[Reporter] Immediately after the explosion...

Operator, operator, get me 9-2-(spitting)

Operator, 9-2-4-1-7-3-4, it's an emergency!

(groaning)

(indistinct chatter from television)

Morris, Morris!

Yes, Joe, it's working out, I've got everything!

I'm on my way to Anderson!

(tires screeching)

Casualties continue to flow in.

Where were you, wounded soldier?

(soldier groaning)

Well, as you can see, ladies and gentlemen,

he's so very badly wounded, and so much in shock

that evidently he didn't understand our questions.

Here's another one, so please, soldier,

tell me what happened to you.

(quirky music)

[TV Announcer] And with our nightly prayer,

we leave the air, good night.

(God Save the Queen playing)

[Reporter] What you see now, are armored cars...

(groaning)

Hey, hey!

(Joe gasping)

how much longer do I have to wait?

Who the hell are you?

I didn't call for you!

Where'd Babyface go?

Huh?

Where's Babyface gone?

Babyface, who the, oh, Morris.

Thank you, Morris!

No, Babyface is not here.

But you know who Babyface is...

No, no, I don't know who Babyface is, no.

He was going to buy me 10 dresses!

Uh-Huh, Mm-Hmm, ooh!

Listen, I'm watchin' TV.

How many are you going to buy me?

Not even one!

Why?

'Cause you're goin' back where you came from

and you're gonna wait

- for Babyface. - You're big and strong

- like my Teddy Bear. - While I watch

a little TV.

Let go!

There we go, now you sit right here.

Yes, you wait for Babyface Morris, alright?

When he comes back, I'm gonna kill him.

Here, that's right, look,

watch a little something on television, alright?

Okay, maybe later I'll see ya, okay?

I was on television in a commercial!

Just turn it on.

There's nothing on TV.

Oh yeah, there's plenty goin' on.

Let's play Monopoly!

See, there's nothing on.

Let's play Monopoly, come on.

Monopoly, Monopoly.

(television static)

Teddy bear!

- Wait a minute. - I know another game...

Wait a minute.

(upbeat music)

[Reporter] The air bombings on Saeed by the Egyptians,

it has been brought to our attention...

(clanking)

(gasping)

(groaning)

(glass shattering)

Operator!

(car barreling)

(tires screeching)

(doors slamming)

Okay, you answer it.

Tell him everything is all right.

Yes?

Where's Morris?

Morris ain't here, he just went in.

Where are you?

I think we're in front of a theater.

[Joe] A theater?

Anyway, don't worry, he said everything is okay.

Don't worry, everything's okay!

Now you listen to me, get me one of the boys.

[Henchman] Yeah, boss.

Okay, now listen, no hardware,

but use muscle if you have to, now get inside there,

you get Morris and his little black bag,

and you bring him here!

(ragtime music) (chattering)

(exploding)

(ragtime music) (chattering)

[Reporter] The Secretary General will deny...

Thank you, thank you very much.

[Reporter] Has released a declaration this evening

in his office in New York asking the opposing forces

to cease immediately all fighting and to respect the laws...

Mr. Morris.

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Anderson.

I can't imagine what you must think of me,

but I'm sure you understand,

to collect such a large amount of money

took much longer than I thought.

I understand, of course.

You know, with everything that's been happening.

Well, here I am, here I am now!

Shall we conclude the deal?

Alright, won't you sit down?

(chattering)

[Henchman] Let us in this door!

Not now, they're rehearsing!

I don't want to seem too exacting,

but I do want everything to be in order.

(crashing)

You can't come in here now, they're rehearsin'!

Get outta the way!

(thudding)

(quirky music)

(smacking)

(smacking)

(slapping)

(splashing)

(slapping)

(slapping)

(stomping)

(slapping)

(crashing)

(slapping)

(punching)

(cymbals crashing)

(gonging)

(gonging)

(crashing)

(squirting)

(smacking)

(thudding)

(metallic ringing)

(punching)

(thudding)

(punching)

(smacking)

(crashing)

(thudding)

(punching)

Yes, it seems all right, but, eh,

But?

But, the only thing missing is the insurance policy.

Oh, the insurance policy,

it's right here, the insurance policy.

It's nothing, it's a rehearsal.

Oh, yes, a rehearsal.

And, here, I have the money.

Excuse me, but out there, they're very nervous.

But, you know how it is in show business,

we're just a big, happy family, just a minute.

Yes, but you see, I haven't got much time.

If you don't mind, I'll start signing these, alright?

Go ahead, go ahead, you are quite free.

I'll be right back.

(quirky music)

(stamping)

(punching)

(punching)

Alright, now, what's going on?

This.

(punching)

(ringing)

(punching)

(ringing)

(punching)

(crashing)

(thudding)

No, no, no.

(punching)

(crashing)

(fluttering)

(punching)

(thudding)

(whooshing)

(thudding)

(smacking)

(stomping)

(crashing)

(quirky music)

(smacking)

If you don't stop, you're going to get hurt,

and you won't like that, I'm warning you!

(smacking)

(crashing)

(quirky music)

(clicking)

(crashing)

(thudding)

What are you doing over here?

Nobody asked you in, how did you get here?

So you go on disturbing the peace.

Let me go, let me go! (Stomping)

(crashing)

Who let you in? (Smacking)

(slapping)

(thudding)

Ah-Ha, you see?

Only took a minute.

Oh, did anything happen?

No, why, anything happen?

No, nothing happened.

Now, let's get back to business, okay?

Now, you sign here, please, contract.

Thank you, thank you, now this is mine,

and this is yours, okay?

And, now, finally, the money!

The money, (chuckling) Thank you.

Yes, aren't you counting it?

Oh, I don't need to.

We're gentlemen!

Of course, between gentlemen.

(distant chattering)

And the last.

Ah, the last, thank you.

The last.

Thank you very much, Mr. Morris.

Your safe is full, and mine is empty.

(laughing quietly)

(chattering)

Watson!

Thank you very much, Mr. Morrison, my compliments.

It's been a pleasure.

Watson, show the gentleman out, please.

Yes, this way.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

[Man] All of you go to the cashier.

The costumes go back to the wardrobe room.

Don't lose anything, please.

Yeah, that way, good.

For you, Captain, special rates.

I was alright, was I?

The best acting in your life.

I've waited a long time for a part like that.

You were great.

Hold it, police.

Ah, police, just in time, come on!

You are not going anywhere, search him!

What's goin' goin' on here?

Whaddaya, crazy, or something, ow!

Oh, you're even armed, and in a foreign country!

Clever, very clever.

Listen, Sheriff, I gotta complaint, I've been conned!

Careful, call me Sheriff once more,

and I shan't be responsible for my actions.

What am I gonna call ya?

If you're not a sheriff, what are ya?

Inspector, in here, we found something!

I knew it, ha, ha!

Hold it!

Alright!

Here, Inspector!

What the hell's goin' on here?

(laughing)

Yes, my painting!

Here's the proof, scoundrel!

I demand an explanation!

(slapping)

That's all the explanation you're going to get.

What's the matter with him, is he crazy?

You crazy, I mean I don't understand!

You don't understand?

He doesn't understand.

I'll make myself clearer.

(smacking)

(groaning)

What is this, a conspiracy?

You're all against me, but I'm not gonna fall for it.

That ship isn't sunk, the war is over!

That rotten TV show is a fake, a phony, so you just...

Shut up!

No, no, no, no, no.

Let's see.

This is the clincher!

(thudding)

(papers rustling)

Joe Lo Monaco, you're accused of fraud,

receiving stolen goods, swindling,

bringing a gun into the country illegally.

This is a deportation order,

you're to leave the shores

of United Kingdom immediately, never to return.

You'll be put onto the first plane

for the United States of America.

Something you don't understand?

Certainly, no, no, no, no.

Good.

(chattering)

Joe, we did it, we did it!

Whaddaya, crazy?

Will you explain...

Shut up!

(Joe shushing) Take him away!

Just explain, now hold on a minute, for God's sake!

But Joe!

They throw the book atcha here!

Know him?

(nervously laughing) Him?

Oh, no, just by sight.

(upbeat music)

Come on, boys, disappear, and don't let anyone see you.

(upbeat music)

It's been quite a strange evening, Douglas.

Douglas, there must be some mistake.

I'm Alberto Pietro Adinio Guisinio Dalavara Anderson.

(chuckling)

You can stop pretending, it's all over, Charleston.

Really, too bad, I was beginning to like this show.

You know something, hanging around you for so long

makes me feel like turning honest again.

Me too.

Oh, yes? (Chuckling)

What part of the show is this, anyway?

Oh Watkins, it's obvious, this is the finale!

(dixieland jazz music)