Original subtitles

Randy, what are you doin'? Grandpa tied that tie for me five years ago.

You know I don't know how to tie it again.

I'm sorry, Earl. I just wanted to show you what I'd look like...

as a drunk guy at an '80s party.

Nice. Rock the Casbah.

Hurry up! If I'm late for the funeral, I'm gonna get in trouble.

The last girl to show up has to give the departed his final lap dance.

[ Earl Narrating ] There was only one man in town...

who could make people afraid of him even from beyond the grave.

And that man was Richard Chubby. During his lifetime,

Richard Chubby was a powerful businessman.

He owned everything worth owning in Camden.

Well, come on down! And don't forget,

sweatpants are allowed and truckers shower for free.

- And Richard Chubby liked more than just the smell of money. - Woof.

And when you combine all that money and all that power, you get a whole lot of crazy.

Open up.

Vodka.

[ Earl Narrating ] And even if he didn't have a weapon in his hand,

his hand was still a weapon.

It was the scariest when even Chubby didn't know what he was doin'.

Would you like me to freshen that drink for you?

I'll be damned. [ Laughs ]

I got the wrong gun.

[ Earl Narrating ] There was a huge crowd at Chubby's funeral,

not 'cause people loved him, but 'cause attendance...

was mandatory for all Chubby employees.

Even worse, the service was scheduled during their unpaid lunch break.

Damn shame. I heard Chubby was just tryin' to do vodka shots,

picked up the wrong gun and blew his head off.

Poor guy. Could've happened to anybody.

You know, we could leave. It's not like Chubby's gonna pop out of the coffin...

and kill people if they walk out.

The reason we're staying is because of the new boss. They say he's even worse.

[ Horn Honking ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Catalina was right. The new boss was even worse,

because with Big Chubby gone, there was only one person to take over the family business--

his son, Little Chubby.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] Now that Big Chubby had died,

his son was the most powerful man in Camden County.

That made me nervous, since me and him had history.

A few years ago, Little Chubby's favorite hobby was messin' with people.

He messed with Randy. Hey, Randy.

There's a, uh, spot on your shirt.

I'm not lookin' down. I'm not fallin' for that again.

Come on. Look down. It'll be a lot of laughs.

All right, fine. You win.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Earl Narrating ] He messed with me.

Come on, Earl. Get your ear pierced, you know.

Then we could be earring buddies.

Earrings aren't really my thing, L.C.

So what you're saying is you think, uh-- you think earrings look stupid.

No, no, no, no. That-- That's not what I'm saying. I like earrings.

Yeah, I think that's what you're saying.

Little Chubby? Little Chubby?

What are you doin'?

[ Squealing ]

Let's take a look. [ Groaning ]

I think you're right. It does look stupid. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, I think this ear means you're gay.

[ Earl Narrating ] He even messed with Crabman.

That's the, uh, Fine Young Cannibals. ** [ Rock ]

Tell you somethin'. I do not like...

Fine Young Cannibals.

[ Earl Narrating ] But the reason he ended up on my list...

was he messed with Joy when she was pregnant with Earl Junior.

Did I ever tell you that I, uh, always had a fantasy of doin' it with a pregnant chick?

It's like havin' sex with a fat chick, except I can't get her pregnant.

I wouldn't have sex with you if I was starvin' and your wiener was a ham sandwich.

[ Laughing ] Ham wiener. Classic.

[ Laughing Continues ]

Ow-- Ow!

Yeah, while, uh, you were laughin', I accidentally cut off your rat tail.

So, uh, tell you what there, prude girl.

Why don't, uh, we see if you can drink this before I cut off your hair, huh?

[ Gasping ] How about that?

Hurry up.

[ Gags ]

He made me drink Randy's rat tail!

I would've rather drank a real rat tail. You need to kill Little Chubby... slowly.

Are you crazy? I'm not messin' with that psycho.

Then you should've married a whore who doesn't mind being disrespected by a man...

instead of a real lady, like me!

[ Earl Narrating ] There was no point in arguin' with Joy over Little Chubby...

or that "real lady" comment. [ Door Slams Shut ]

I wanted to make her happy without gettin' myself killed,

which meant I'd have to be really, really clever.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Groans ] [ Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Number 43 on my list--

racked a rich guy.

Day after the funeral, I went to talk to Little Chubby to tell him what I'd done.

I'd expected him to do somethin' crazy, but not this.

Earl, I wanna thank you.

Truth is, the day you kicked me was a-- Well, it was a turning point in my life.

[ Earl Narrating ] Little Chubby explained that...

what hurt more than the stabbing pain in his baby-makers was the realization...

that everyone hated him.

And even weeks later, he couldn't shake the pain.

And so he just kept walking.

When a rich person's upset, they can do more than just take a walk around the block.

They can take a walk anywhere. What's up, Aborigines?

And somewhere along his walk, he got the idea to be a nicer person in the world--

to do good deeds, like feed the hungry.

All right, you Aborigines, which one of you had, uh, Vegemite on wheat?

The more he talked, the more I realized we had somethin' in common.

We were both tryin' to be better people.

So I didn't wanna come back, but somebody had to run the family business.

But I'm not gonna do it like my dad did. It's gonna be a kinder, gentler Club Chubby from now on.

Got a, uh, heated stripper pole for the gals.

Screening for hep C free of charge.

And, uh, I finally put a lightbulb in the V.I.P. room.

Can I touch the heated pole? Yeah, sure.

Knock yourself out. [ Chuckles ]

Anyway, Earl, I wanna thank you for making me a better person.

Maybe if somebody had kicked my dad in the nuts years ago,

he wouldn't have been such a mean guy, and my mom wouldn't have hit the highway.

That must've been tough, seein' your mom leave.

She didn't leave. My dad threw her out of a moving car.

Still, it was tough to watch.

Anyways, thanks a lot. Just wanna-- Just wanna thank you, Earl.

Give me a hug. It's male intimacy. It's not just for gays anymore.

Come on.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

I don't think I'm allowed to take phone numbers.

[ Earl Narrating ] Since it turned out Little Chubby was a whole new guy,

we started hangin' out with him again.

Only this time, he didn't scare the hell out of us.

I would've got you a card, but they didn't have one that said, "Sorry I cut off your rat tail."

Cool!

This is way softer than my real hair.

[ Earl Narrating ] He even let us hang out at the mansion he inherited...

and live like they did on Silver Spoons.

Whoo! Hey, Joy. Hey, fetus. How you two doin'?

Livin' large, L.C. Man, is this thing comfortable.

They should make wheelchairs outta this stuff.

Then nobody would bitch about bein' in one.

I love it here.

Man, I'm rusty.

Who was that? Oh, uh-- Well, just enjoy.

Pretty nice up here, huh?

Yeah. I could get used to livin' like this again.

Well, I'm just happy I could share it with people, you know.

Friends.

[ Earl Narrating ] It was nice seein' a man who used to be so angry all the time be so happy.

Why don't you help yourself to some fresh fruit?

I think I'm gonna catch a few Z's.

[ Earl Narrating ] Still, I wanted to do somethin'...

so I could cross Little Chubby off my list.

But I couldn't figure out what since his life was so perfect.

Then I saw his freakishly damaged little chubbies,

and I realized he had two giant problems.

Hey, Earl, you're never gonna-- Oh, my God!

[ Earl Narrating ] Ever since I'd seen his robe fall open,

I couldn't get Little Chubby's crazy-looking gonad pouch off my brain.

And so he was back on my list.

Yeah, that's about how big each one was. Now show 'em the color.

It was mostly purple, like this.

But there was black and blue too.

Then there were streaks of a color I could only describe as "brorange."

That's probably why he always made that sound when he sat down.

I thought it was 'cause he was just relaxing.

- Hey, guys. How's it goin'? - Hey, man, sit down and join us.

Don't mind if I do.

[ Grunting Loudly ]

[ Exhales ] Mmm.

So how you guys doin'?

Now, for the shape, I'm really gonna need a hammer.

It looks like I always pictured Grimace's McNuggets.

I bet that's why he doesn't have a woman.

Little Chubby, not Grimace. I'm sure Grimace pulls chicks left and right.

The injury could have affected his libido, like when you get a dog neutered...

and it doesn't wanna hump your leg anymore, even if you're wearing corduroy.

That explains why he didn't even look when I kissed Lacey on stage the other day.

See? That's the look I expected to get.

Well, I gotta make it up to him somehow.

I just hope he doesn't need a transplant, 'cause I don't think we're the same type.

Okay, are we done comparin' this mango to a man's 'nads? 'Cause I wanna eat it.

[ Earl Narrating ] Nobody had any ideas about how I could help Chubby,

so I decided to talk to him man-to-man.

So you guys saw it, huh? Well, sorry. I hope it wasn't too traumatic for you.

You know something? Aborigine tribes actually used to pray to them.

So, what do you say? You almost done here, fellas?

To be honest, I haven't looked at it myself for months.

It kind of freaks me out. Is that one part of it still, uh--

I don't even have the words to describe it. Kind of--

- Brorange? - Yeah, that's it.

- I'm afraid so. - You also have bleen, yurple and gred.

- That's not good. - So there's nothin' the doctors can do?

I don't know. I've never been to a doctor. My dad always used to say--

He said never trust a man that wants to put his finger in your butt.

Yeah, well, you can't argue with that logic.

Yeah, but on the other hand, if Dad was so smart,

why would he have a giant hole in his head where the vodka should've been?

So, uh, let's go see a doc, huh? [ Chuckles ]

Cheese and crackers!

That's somethin'. I can see your heartbeat.

So can you fix him?

Without a transplant, hopefully.

Not that I wouldn't be willin'. No transplant.

But I gotta say, you couldn't have kicked him in a more perfect spot.

Mr. Chubby, you've got an obdurate testicular hematoma.

Ah. You know any of those words?

He took the jingle out of your bells, son. You're not making testosterone.

That explains your low sex drive,

and why you rented Memoirs of a Geisha the other night.

Man, that was the worst kung fu movie ever.

So as you can see, Doc, we gotta fix this right away.

[ Earl Narrating ] Since I was the one who had broken Little Chubby,

I thought I should be there when he got fixed.

- How you doin'? - I'm not gonna lie to you, Earl.

I'm a little scared. I miss my mom.

When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark and she'd hold my hand.

[ Drill Whirring ] Hold my hand, would you, Earl?

Sure. Thank you.

Then she'd-- she'd stroke my hair.

[ Whirring Continues ]

There you go. Then she'd sing to me.

Yeah, she was one hell of a woman, wasn't she?

She was an angel, Earl. An absolute angel. You have no idea.

But now she's dead, and this guy's gonna take about a quart of liquid out of my sack.

So just sing to me, Earl.

I remember she-- she loved Skynyrd. [ Woman ] Suction.

Fine. [ Clears Throat ]

* If I leave here tomorrow *

** [ Imitating Guitar ]

* Would you still remember me * [ Drill Whirring ]

** [ Imitating Guitar ]

* For I must be travelin' on now *

** [ Imitating Guitar ]

* 'Cause there's too many places I've got to see *

** [ Imitating Guitar ]

[ Earl Narrating ] So Little Chubby's doctor...

finally put Humpty and Dumpty back together again,

and me and Randy let our new friend recover at the motel.

The store was outta ice, so your options are Popsicles or frozen dinners.

Better stick with the Popsicles. That picture of Mamma Mia...

looks a little bit too much like my grandma.

Besides, it'll be easier to work the Popsicles around my stitches.

[ Gasps ] Oh, no. Oh, please, no!

- Another sneeze? - Oh, yeah, a big one.

[ Grunting ]

[ Sneezes, Screams ]

I can't bear to look. Did I pop a stitch?

[ High-pitched Voice ] No, it-- it looks all right.

Have Catalina bring up more towels, and I'll call the doctor.

[ Earl Narrating ] Luckily, nothing fell out...

before the doctor could re-stitch Little Chubby.

And within a few days, his cherries didn't just look normal,

they started sendin' the proper signals up to his brain.

Holy crap! Now I get it.

She jumps, and all her female body parts move around.

Amazing. No wonder we make a fortune in this place.

I bet everybody here has working testicles.

[ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, testosterone brought back...

more than just Little Chubby's lust for the ladies.

It brought back his aggression.

Oh, my God! I won! I never win. You must really suck.

Yeah, uh, congratulations.

[ Chuckles ] [ Sniffing ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Before we knew it, Chubby was up to his old tricks.

Hey, that's my boat.

How would you like it if I went to your house and used your Crock-Pot?

Or whatever it is you poor people cook with.

[ Both Whimpering ]

L.C., what was that? Limo backfire?

Hey, those are my water wings.

[ Chuckles ]

You need to kill Little Chubby.

He shot at the kids and then he farted in my pool bag. I had my lunch in there, Earl.

He threw Mr. Turtle on the trampoline.

Mr. Turtle can't do anything on the trampoline.

- He was scared out of his mind. - I miss my tail.

Well, you're the ones who said I should help him.

We said you needed to fix him, not turn him into a damn monster.

And when I left tonight, he was forcing two truckers to lap dance each other.

It's getting dangerous down there. I'm quitting.

Oh, hell no, you're not! You quit, Little Chubby'll pull my bail bond.

I ain't tryin' to go to prison just because you're afraid of gettin' murdered at work.

Earl, you better fix this.

Fine. I'll talk to him.

Were those truckers good dancers like me, or did they just phone it in?

Little Chubby. Hey, Earl.

Okay, beat it, broads. Come on. What's shakin'?

Well, uh--

Well, I'm-I'm just here 'cause the gang asked me to come by and say hello, and--

[ Groans ] That's funny. That's the Three Stooges.

Yeah, they're good. Uh, listen, Little Chubby.

I gotta be honest with you. You're kind of becoming a mean guy again.

Mean guy? I don't understand. [ Gasps ]

See that? Well, kind of like that.

I mean, that's somethin' your dad would've done.

For God's sake, you got one of his guns in your pants,

and nobody knows if it's loaded with vodka or bullets.

It's bullets. Bullets?

Sure. See?

Wow. You're right, Earl.

What's happening to me? I'm becoming a-- becoming a jerk.

I treat the girls bad. I take shots at kids.

I'm gonna have a drink. Want one?

Sure. Well, I gotta say, this is the third time I've had to come into your club...

and have to tell you something really awkward.

But, hey, every time, it turns out--

[ Chuckles ] That wasn't the Stooges.

That was the-- That was The Fall Guy.

Oh, man, that was a weird dream.

I was bein' hung up in the back of a--

Oh, my God!

- Hey, pally. How they hangin'? - What are you doin'?

A little thing called payback. You may know it as a great Mel Gibson movie,

but it's also a synonym for revenge.

[ Gasps ] Are you crazy?

Well, you explode my marble pouch, and I explode yours.

Let me just adjust this. No, no, no, no, no!

What-What happened to bein' a good person?

[ Beeping ]

What about-- [ Groans ]

God, it hurts, but I'm glad it's not my clackers! Aah!

Well, that one was a little high.

I'll just adjust it here, and-- You're gonna be bummed out about this one.

Please, can we talk about this? You were happy bein' nice.

You said you didn't wanna die bein' hated and alone like your dad.

Well, that was back when my sack was destroyed. Now I'm all man.

[ Beeping ]

[ Chuckles ] I saved you.

Look, I-I-I know there's a good person in there.

You're not just your dad's son. You're your mom's son too. Look.

You're part her, you are,

but her part's bein' overwhelmed by your dad's freaky hormone part.

Look, I understand what you're sayin' there, Earl.

But, uh, what can I tell ya? I'm a-- I'm a Chubby.

[ Beeping ] It's my destiny. It's in my blood.

[ Earl Narrating ] I knew he wasn't gonna bunt those balls away from mine forever.

I needed to say somethin', anything.

* 'Cause I'm as free as a bird now *

* And this bird you cannot change *

[ Earl Narrating ] I'd heard of people singin' for their supper,

and I guess you might say I was singin' for my meat and potatoes too.

* Lord knows I can't change *

[ Man ] * Lord, I can't change *

Little Chubby, pick up the bat.

* Won't you fly *

- Please, pick up the bat! - * Free bird *

[ Earl Narrating ] All I could do was hold my breath, cringe,

and wait to get racked by karma's baseball.

And then Little Chubby did something I never thought I'd see a man do.

He stood between me and karma.

[ Beeping ]

He didn't do it to protect me. [ Groans ]

He did it to protect himself from himself.

And like someone who can't handle their liquor,

Little Chubby realized he couldn't handle his testosterone.

So he went cold turkey.

Thanks, Earl.

I can't say I completely understood why Little Chubby did what he did,

but, well, it made sense to him, and that was good enough for me.

The thing, Earl, is that in my life,

I've been feared and I've been loved,

and I like bein' loved a whole lot better.

Little Chubby! Thank you for everything.

I never had a health plan before. I have 12 cavities!

-So, you have no regrets? - Well, I probably would've gone the surgical route.

But you mentioned my mother, and I got carried away.

But the doctors say I should be walkin' again in about a year or so.

It's all good. [ Earl Narrating ] As crazy as it all was,

it also kind of made me realize somethin'.

Sometimes happiness is about givin' up somethin' precious to get somethin' better.

And it made me wonder, would I do the same?

What would I sacrifice to be loved? Not my balls.