Original subtitles

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] Randy has several issues when he sleeps. [ Snoring ]

He grinds his teeth, he occasionally punches me in the face,

and he doesn't always breathe. [ Stops Breathing ]

And although temporarily dying 12 times a night didn't bother Randy,

it sure bothered me.

[ Snorts, Resumes Breathing ] [ Gasps, Sighs ]

** [ TV: Program Theme ]

I'm Nicole Moses with the Up Before Dawn News Report.

Looking first to traffic--

There is no traffic because nobody's up yet.

[ Earl Narrating ] But bein' awake at 4:00 a.m. must have been karma's way...

of telling me to do number 29 on my list--

harassed a reporter.

It all started back when I was married to Joy.

[ Loud Explosion ]

Was that the Alcotts' meth lab? [ Car Alarms Blaring ]

The Alcotts are close. Would've been hit by debris.

- [ Debris Raining On Roof ] - It was the Alcotts.

People who are on meth shouldn't make meth.

It's always the second batch that blows.

[ Earl Narrating ] Exploding trailers were pretty common where we lived,

but this one was special 'cause a celebrity blew up in it.

[ Nicole ] Buck West, owner of the I Come to You...

and Clean Your Dog with My Own Supplies...

Mobile Pet Grooming Company, is dead.

Apparently, his love for clean animals...

was outweighed by his love for crystal meth.

Hey, dummy! You and your stupid brother are on TV!

The family asked that donations in the name of Mr. West be made to the family.

[ Nicole On TV ] Buck West lived his life to the fullest.

Crazy arms! I got crazy arms. I can't control 'em.

Oh, snap. I gotta record this. [ TV Continues, Indistinct ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Luckily, Joy just finished tapin' Wheel of Fortune,

so the camcorder was handy.

[ Mutters ] Stop it!

Also reported killed in the explosion...

were two drifters, a homeless man and a bum. Whoo!

[ Groans ] No berry twisters! No berry twisters!

[ Groaning ]

[ Earl Narrating ] And as fun as it was acting stupid on live TV,

it was even more fun the next day...

when we found out other people had enjoyed it too.

[ Crowd Cheering ] Hey, Earl.

You guys were funny.

A lot of folks were upset about that meth lab blowin' up,

but you and your "crazy arms" helped 'em smile again.

Yeah. That was the best thing on television...

since that overly aggressive minister climbed into that gorilla's cage...

to try to baptize it.

[ Earl Narrating ] Crazy arms was sweepin' the Crab Shack,

and me and Randy were the proudest brothers...

since Eddie Van Halen and his drummer brother.

And just like Van Halen, we were gonna keep playin'...

until everybody got sick of us.

We're here at the ribbon-cutting ceremony...

of Camden's newest drug-and-alcohol treatment center...

with local celebrity TV's Tim Stack.

Local?

Would Pat Sajak have dinner with a local celebrity?

- This drug-and-alcohol treatment-- center. - Yeah! Yeah!

I'm Nicole Moses, live. Back to you. [ Chattering, Barking ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Me and Randy had given Channel 3 its biggest ratings...

since the chick who spun the lottery wheel's boob fell out.

Live report. Here comes los brazos locos.

Zoo officials stress the escaped bear is agitated and extremely dangerous,

despite how agreeable bears are often depicted in cartoons.

[ Growling ] Authorities--

- [ All Laughing ] - Give me some honey!

I got him! Authorities say the bear most likely escaped overnight...

during a training session--

Silly brazos locos.

[ Earl Narrating ] When we ran out of news events to crash, we started makin' up our own.

We're here at Pimmit Hills Trailer Park...

where a baby has just been reported missing.

My baby-- My baby is missing.

I don't know what to do. He is just a baby.

[ Muffled Crying ]

Oh, my God! That's him.

That's my missin' baby in the fridge. Follow me on this. Follow me.

I'm trying to get to the fridge to save this sweet baby's life!

- Goo-goo! Ga-ga! - [ Crowd Laughing ]

"Cwazy" arms. Cwazy arms.

This is not funny. You people are not funny!

I am a serious journalist!

And you are just trailer trash! Trailer trash! [ Microphone Thumping ]

Mayonnaise-lovin' cousin humpers!

[ Earl Narrating ] That was the day we finally pushed Nicole too far.

[ Screaming ] After that, Nicole's career went down the tubes.

Randy, wake up. [ Gasps ]

We gotta go to the news station.

I just saw Nicole Moses. Oh, thank God you woke me.

I just had an eight-hour dream about a ball of yarn.

It was so borin'.

I kept tryin' to go to sleep, but I already was.

[ Earl Narrating ] Later that morning, me and Randy went down to the TV station.

While I explained my karma list to Nicole,

Randy looked around for answers about how TV was made.

He always hoped there was a machine that shrunk down people and furniture to TV size.

He didn't see anything that looked like a ray gun,

but he did find something else that made him curious.

I want to put you on the news. Me, on the news?

Yes. I just need one great heartwarming story,

and my boss will give me another shot.

Nick Chavez did a story about Siamese twins...

getting a little cart so the big one could take the little one to the mall...

and they put him in the anchor spot.

I remember that story-- Kiki and Tiki.

They went to Foot Locker, but the salesman wouldn't let them buy three shoes.

It's perfect. I can see the tagline already-- "From hood to good."

We start with one of your mug shots, then fade to a list item.

Can you give a bath to a crippled lady?

I could. It's not on my list, but they don't scare me or nothin'.

No, that's okay. We'll get something good from the list.

Would I have to memorize lines or anything?

Words go right through my head, unless it's a Polish joke or a Judas Priest song.

No. No memorization and no jokes.

Just you talking about you.

Well, if you think it'll help,

I guess I'm gonna be on TV.

[ Screams ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

[ Earl Narrating ] I was lookin' forward to bein' on the TV news...

as an actual invited guest, and so was Randy.

I can't decide whether to comb my hair.

I want to look presentable, but I want people to recognize me.

[ Sniffing ]

You smell good. Aftershave.

But don't try puttin' any on your downstairs. It burns.

Man, bein' a TV star is complicated. [ Sniffs ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Back when we pestered Nicole, it was easy bein' on TV...

'cause I didn't care what people thought.

But now that I did care what people thought, bein' on TV made me nervous.

Okay, Earl, why don't you tell us how the list began?

All right. I, uh--

[ Clears Throat, Blows ] I, uh--

- No, no. No, let it go. Don't touch it. - Sorry.

- [ Shouting ] It all started back when I was-- - Okay, cut!

Can we do a wireless mike on him?

- Please. Thank you. - If you wanna strap one of them mikes on me,

I got a buttonhole here that's missin' a button.

It got caught when I was ridin' down an escalator on my belly.

It's a good story. If you wanna turn the cameras here--

Jim, no. The light's gonna be in the shot.

[ Sighs ] Come on, people. Help me out here.

I don't wanna spend the rest of my career...

doing the crop report with a sock-puppet rooster.

[ High-pitched Voice ] Cock-a-doodle mornin', Nicole.

Why don't you tell us about the situation with the boll weevils?

Okay, Earl, why don't you just tell us how you pick a list item?

And... action.

Well, sometimes I just close my eyes and point to one.

Like this. Oh.

Looks like you cost someone a very important client.

By the way, "client" is with a "C." He's a diamond in the rough.

I'm sorry. I have to do that again. Wait.

He's a diamond... in the rough. Print it.

You lost this woman a valuable client, and she works here?

Well, today, she does.

- Hey, Earl. - Patty, I need to talk to you about somethin' on my list.

All right. One sec. I just gotta give this perv a baby bottle,

burp him, spank him, powder him, change him,

rock him to sleep, and then I'm done here.

Wait. That's the businesswoman?

Okay. Cut, cut.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God. Nicole Moses.

People always tell me that we look exactly the same.

Do people ever tell you you look like a daytime hooker?

'Cause if they do, that's me.

We can't do a story about you helping a hooker.

This has to be heartwarming and emotional.

I need a Kiki and Tiki. No, no. Wait.

I can do heartwarmin'. I got heartwarmin' on here.

I got a heartwarmin' story. Remember that finger we found in the park?

We could try to find who it belongs to. Randy, just let me think.

Here's one. Number 40-- wrecked the kids' playhouse.

[ Earl Narrating ] Dodge and Earl Jr. loved that playhouse.

Let's sleep in here tonight. I'm scared.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

- [ Loud Squeaking, Clattering ] - Aliens!

[ Both Screaming ]

See, Randy?

You thought I couldn't make it all the way home.

Randy?

Randy?

Oh, crap.

[ Dogs Barking In Distance ]

Man makes up for ruining children's dreams. It's perfect.

The public loves stories of redemption.

Crap. We only have time to shoot the intro.

Let's shoot over there. I think the guy in the car just paid for another round.

Excuse me. Reporter lady, am I gonna be on the camera pretty soon?

'Cause I don't know how long my cowlick is gonna stay down.

What? Oh.

Big fella, no, you're not gonna be on the camera.

The story's about Earl. I hope I didn't mislead you.

Huh? Oh, no, no, no.

I didn't think I was gonna be in the show.

I didn't even wanna be.

See?

[ People Chattering ]

Hey, dummy. What's wrong?

World run out of macaroni and cheese?

[ Laughs ]

Seriously though. What's your trouble?

Stupid reporter lady won't let me be in her story about Earl's list.

That's because it's his list.

Karma hit him with a car, not you.

I help him cross things off, plus he couldn't have done half the bad things on there...

if I wasn't with him smashin' windows and givin' him a boost and stuff.

There's your problem. You're just givin' him a boost.

Who wants a story about a man standin' there pushin' up on another man's ass?

If you wanna get noticed in this world, you gotta break away from your brother.

You mean I gotta move out of the motel?

I don't know, Joy. I don't like payin' money for soap.

I guess I could make it myself.

What are the ingredients? There's soap. There's wrapper. There's--

You gotta stop doin' whatever he does.

When he was bad, you were bad.

When he turned good, you turned good.

You gotta be your own man. Do the opposite.

When Earl zigs, you gotta zag.

The opposite of Earl. I can do that.

I'm gonna make a list of all the good things I've done...

and go around screwin' those people.

And I'll wear a sombrero while I'm doin' it.

Earl never wears a sombrero.

Scattered showers overnight have authorities hoping for relief...

from the Nathanville tire fire.

What are you doin'?

I'm practicing my American accent by watching your news-lady friend.

[ Homogenized Accent ] The weather today calls for a high of 62 and a low of 48.

Wow.

If you talked like that a couple months ago, you wouldn't have gotten deported.

And if that doesn't help,

they're asking that people stop adding tires to the fire.

Crazy head! Crazy head's comin' to town. Get him off.

Get off my set! And behind him, there's gonna be a twister.

Get him off! Crazy head!

What the hell's he doin'? What the hell happened to his body?

You guys! Help me. Look at me. I'm Pac-Man.

Wok, wok, wok, wok, wok! Wok, wok, wok, wok, wok!

[ Steady Beeping ]

- What's goin' on with you? - I'm wearin' a sombrero, which you would never do.

I'm zagging 'cause you always zig.

And I'm gonna be my own man starting right--

[ Farting ] now.

- Oh, Randy. God. - That's me zaggin'.

Usually I'd be nice like you and go outside to rip one, but I'm outta your shadow, Earl.

I'm gonna get noticed for being me and get my own TV news report.

Then it won't matter that people don't give me credit for being part of your list,

'cause I'm doin' my own thing.

[ Crash ] Zag.

See? You would never do that, would you, Earl?

Oh, man! No, I wouldn't.

And I'm pretty sure the news is never gonna do a story...

about a sombrero-wearin' jackass who goes around breakin' lamps.

You're wrong. And when they do that story,

I'm gonna make sure my brother's a part of it,

'cause that's something you wouldn't do.

So that's what this is about?

I'm sorry, Randy.

I didn't even notice that you were being left out of the story.

Nobody notices me.

It's just like Joy said. Karma hit you with that car, not me.

Randy, you're a big part of the list.

I know it, you know it,

and, when this story airs, everyone's gonna know it.

'Cause you're gonna be right there with me buildin' that playhouse.

Really? Absolutely. Let's zig together, buddy.

Tell the truth, Earl. Was crazy head funny on TV?

Was it funny? Yeah, Randy, it was funny.

If it had its own show, would you watch?

Maybe. Depends what time.

[ Earl Narrating ] Nicole wasn't crazy about Randy bein' in the story,

but she knew I was her best chance of gettin' back on the evenin' news.

And she wasn't gonna get Kiki without Tiki.

I learned this in drama camp.

Better, butter, butter. Better, butter, butter.

Better, butter, butter. Better, butter, butter.

Better, butter, butter. Better, butter, butter.

Nicole Moses. I didn't realize you were here.

I was just inside readin' my Bible.

Everything I do is guided by this holy book.

So if anybody says that I've done somethin' wrong,

well, then they're sayin' the Bible is wrong. So--

Joy, are you on those happy pills again?

I'm just tryin' to look good in case any potential jurors are watchin'.

Since you're here, let me introduce you to my family of many colors.

As you can see, I have a white son and a black son.

But I don't see race, so I can't tell which is which.

Over here is my husband, Darnell.

He's servin' America in the Witness Protection Program.

[ Darnell ] No, I'm not. Oh. That's right, honey.

No, he's not.

[ Earl Narrating ] And once Nicole turned the camera on us,

I made sure the spotlight landed on Randy.

The best part of doin' my list is that I get to do it with my brother, Randy.

He's a great guy, and he's special.

See? I made it look like a Little Rascal wrote it.

Now if we can just spike up a few of Dodge's hairs...

and teach Earl Junior to say "Otay," we'd have a show.

[ Earl Narrating ] I also made sure everyone would know how nice a guy Randy really is.

Look. Randy's helpin' out by entertaining the kids.

He always has been good with kids.

* I'm a little teapot short and stout *

* Here is my handle Here is my spout **

When he's had a few drinks, he uses his junk as the spout.

But never in front of the kids. Yeah.

He's been like a third daddy to 'em.

I-- I remember when you were in diapers...

and you'd come into the living room sayin',

"I pooped my pants. I pooped my pants."

Me and your old daddy, we'd have to take you out and set you on the porch...

until your mom could come home and change your diaper.

That was fun.

That's, uh, on my list.

[ Earl Narrating ] And by the time it was over,

I made it look like Randy was in charge.

- What do you think, boss? - We did it.

He's my brother, and I love him.

And cut.

[ Earl Narrating ] I got to cross the kids off my list.

And once Nicole said the story was good enough to make the evening news,

I knew I could cross her off too.

[ Man On TV ] And up next-- It's on. It's on!

we welcome back a long-lost friend to our 6:00 edition.

Nicole Moses has an uplifting story...

about a hooligan who turned cool again.

Nicole.

Think she used the stuff with me in it? I hope so.

Camden native Earl Hickey...

is a man with a pretty checkered past.

Yeah, I used to be a criminal. I did bad things.

But then karma made me realize it was time to do some good things.

He does do good things.

And as it turns out, the real story is a story of two brothers.

Yeah. Did you remember to call Mom?

Don't worry. I called everybody.

You see, out of all the good things Earl Hickey does now,

the biggest one is taking care of his mentally disabled brother, Randy--

a sweet but needy soul who can't take care of himself.

Better, butter, butter. Better, butter, butter. Better, butter, butter.

[ Nicole ] While Randy Hickey may look like a man,

he's little more than a man-child.

What's goin' on, Earl? [ Crowd Snickering ]

Randy can entertain himself for hours with the simplest thing.

* I'm a little teapot short and stout *

* Here is my handle Here is my spout **

He's special.

[ Crowd Laughing ] That's why Earl Hickey built his brother a special gift,

a gift that only a man would do for his man-child brother.

How do you like your playhouse, Randy?

We did it!

He's my brother, and I love him.

I pooped my pants. I pooped my pants.

I'm Nicole Moses with-- Randy, come back.

Poor Randy.

You can edit film to make people think all kinds of things.

Like the moon landing--

that was all done with puppets in my uncle's garage.

[ Earl Narrating ] Randy was embarrassed.

- I just hoped not everyone had seen the report. - [ Horn Honking ]

Run, Forrest, run. [ Laughing ]

But they had.

Turned out Randy wasn't running away from his problem.

He was on his way to confront it.

Why? Why'd you do that to me? Why'd you make me look stupid?

Now I gotta go win another Grover out of the claw machine...

to prove to all those people I'm smart.

And that's gonna cost, like, $600, and I don't have $600.

Look, I'm sorry.

That playhouse story just wasn't that interesting.

I was up against a deadline. I had to come up with something.

- But you ruined my life. - Let's be honest, Randy.

It's not like NASA was knocking on your door anyway.

And all I did was make you look stupid on TV,

just like you did to me every time I did a newscast, including yesterday.

Sorry, Randy.

What goes around comes around. It's karma, right?

Don't worry, Randy. I'm gonna get Nicole to reedit the piece...

or do a "retracteration" on the air.

I got noticed. What?

Karma noticed me, Earl.

It made me look mentally "disabilitated" even though I'm not.

And if karma noticed me, that means I must be special.

And I mean the good special-- like you are-- not the slow one.

Congratulations, Randy.

You know what? This one's yours to cross off.

I think we should cross it off together.

I'm Earl, and I'm gonna cross somethin' off my list.

And then I'm gonna squeeze my crotch really hard.

[ Groaning ] No berry twisters! No berry twisters!

What the hell-- What the hell are you doin'?

I'm pullin' that tooth that's been hurting you.

You keep moaning in your sleep, and it's making me have mummy dreams.

Still, generally, you're supposed to ask a person...

before you take off their body parts.

I take off your body parts all the time while you're sleeping.

I clip your toenails, scrape your corns down,

Q-tip your ears, trim your bangs.

Well, it has been hurtin' me, and I do hate the dentist.

Soon as I'm back asleep, have at it.

[ Snoring, Gasps ]

Ow! Damn it, Randy!

You pulled the wrong tooth! [ Groans ]