All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S02E18.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Havin' a baby can be
very hard on a woman.

And because of that,
it can be hard on the man too.

Darnell, you are gonna have to
pick the kids up from school.

Baby, I'm tryin' to pick
all the broken lightbulb
out of the gumbo.

- Why can't you do it?
- I am growin' a human being
in my body cell by cell.

I need my rest, Darnell.
My stomach could be buildin'
its brain today. You don't know.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Watching Joy being pregnant...

reminded me of somethin' I
should've done a long time ago--

finish makin' a lamp
I started in eighth grade
industrial arts class.

I don't remember which wire
I'm supposed to hook
to the yellow wire.

Come on, Earl. Hurry up.
I need to plug the TV back
into the electricity holes.

Cannonball Run 2
is startin' on Channel 5.

And you know
if I miss the beginning,
I get lost in the story.

The teacher had
some sort of rhyme.

Red you're dead.

Maybe "bluey"
goes "kapluey."

Earl, we're runnin'
out of time.

Fine. I'll just guess.

Here goes nothin'.

I guess it's all right.

Wait a second. I think
this is last month's TV Guide.

[ Electricity Crackling ]

[ Earl Narrating ] So what does
Joy bein' pregnant have to do
with me finishin' this lamp?

Well, that's a long story.

Now, most people
already know me and Joy met...

and got married
under unusual circumstances.

I was drunk,
and she was pregnant
with someone else's child.

But I loved her nonetheless.

I can't say my new wife and my
parents hit it off right away,

but Joy wasn't the first
thing I did my parents
didn't approve of.

So, who is the father?

Oh, I didn't get a name.
You know how crazy concerts are.

I'm gonna go lay down.

[ Earl Narrating ]
A few months later,
Joy had the baby,

and other than my parents
not volunteering to babysit,
things were workin' great.

Gettin' near the road again.
[ Baby Muttering ]

- ** [ Music Box ]
- [ Horn Honking ]

We were
the all-American family.

[ Baby Crying ]
Then, out of nowhere,
the baby started cryin'.

He cried all day.

[ Crying Continues ]

Then he cried all night.

No matter how much
two people love each other,

the stresses of parenthood
can put a strain
on any relationship.

- Walk him.
- Crabman just brought
my crab parts.

- Walk him!
- [ Baby Continues Crying ]

I swear to God if that
thing doesn't stop cryin',

I'm gonna put him
in a gunnysack and smack him
up against the side of a barn.

** [ Country On Jukebox ]
I'm just blowin' off steam.

If you tell the cops
I said that,

I swear to God I'll tie you up
behind my car and do doughnuts
in the mall parking lot.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And it wasn't just Joy.

I was takin' my "stressiness"
out on her too.

- We're out of antifreeze!
- What?

- We're out of antifreeze!
- How do you forget
to put in the antifreeze?

How do I forget
to put in antifreeze?

How do you forget to put a damn
diaphragm in before you go
to a Ronnie James Dio concert?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Things were bad.

So, like a lot of married
people do when they're going
through a rough patch,

we "seeked" counseling.

Raising a child is hard,
and I'm sure that everybody
in this audience would agree.

The important thing is
that you gotta take breaks
every now and then for yourself.

I mean, one person
should watch the baby
and give the other person...

a little opportunity
for some personal time.

Me first.
** [ Hip-hop ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
So, on Montel's advice,

Joy went out
for a little Joy time.

** [ Muttering ]

What Montel failed to mention...

is that when your wife
is four margaritas deep
into her alone time--

* Check baby, check baby
One, two, three, four *

* Check baby, check baby
One, two, three *

all that fightin' she's
been doin' with her husband...

may send her straight
into the arms of another man.

And just like that,
Joy found the solution
to her marital problems--

adultery.

And over the next few months,
Joy and Darnell
started to get real close.

[ Earl ]
Hello! Happy Thanksgiving!

[ Whispering ]
Get in the closet.

What are you doin' in bed?

Waitin' for you to get home
to give me my Thanksgiving
stuffing.

Really? All right.
It's been a while.

I'll try not to touch you
too much. My hands are cold.

They smell like turkey.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Of course, now I kick myself
for not seein' the signs,

but sometimes
the truth is hardest to see
when it's right in front of you.

Whoa, check out
this long black hair.

Man, I wish I would've seen this
when it was still on me.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy and Darnell
were fallin' in love.

But no matter how much
two people love each other,

the stresses of adultery can put
strain on any relationship.

I don't like having sex
in the walk-in freezer.

It's cold in there,
but we still get sweaty.

Last time, my balls got stuck
to a keg of beer.
All right, fine.

We'll wait till this place
closes, and you can do me
on the pinball machine...

like in that porno
Jodie Foster did.

- How come it's always
just sex with us?
- Oh, here we go again!

I just wish we could go to
the movies like a normal couple.

Click your heels three times,
Dorothy, and a house full of
midgets will fall on my husband.

The midgets didn't live
in the house. Dorothy did.

Excuse me. I didn't
realize I was screwin'
Encyclopedia Brown.

[ Earl Narrating ]
What Darnell was about
to learn...

was just how me and Joy arguin'
sent her running to him,

and him and her arguin' was
gonna send her right back to me.

Take me to bed
or lose me forever.

Really? All right.
Been a while.

I'll try not to touch you
too much. My hands are hot,
and they smell like poop.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Then, just like that,

we were the all-American
family again.

He's back on the fence.

[ Thud ]
Sorry, buddy.

We'll put a mattress
there tomorrow.

Don't worry.
Those Huggies are padded.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Yep, me and Joy had
a little bump in the road,

but we were back on track;
life was good.

Oh, Randy, I've been meaning
to show you this. Check out what
I found in my bed the other day.

Wow! You win.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And then I got the news that
would change my life forever.

We're gonna have a baby?

Oh, my God!
I'm havin' a baby! My own baby!
I'm havin' my own baby!

No offense, buddy.
I'm havin' my own baby!
My own baby!

I'm gonna go steal
some cigars.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And like my high school
health teacher said,

nothin' fixes a relationship
like havin' a baby.

Me and Joy were thrilled.

But then Joy started doin'
a little math...

and realized that the chances
of the kid bein' mine
were about, well, 50-50.

Oh, snap.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Four months into Joy's
pregnancy...

they told us they could use
TV X-ray sound to tell us what
kind of baby we were havin'.

Congratulations, folks.
It's a boy.

A boy?
We're gonna have a boy!

Earl Junior!
I'm gonna have a son--
my own son!

Again, no offense, buddy.

I'm gonna go steal
a baseball mitt for my son.

[ Babbles ]

Now if I move the wand over,
you can count your son's
little toes.

I don't care if he's got
flippers and a beak.

Just push a little harder
on that gadget and see if you
can tell me what color he is.

[ Grunts ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out I
wasn't the only one happy to see
the Hickey bloodline live on.

[ Knocking ]
There's my boy!

- [ Kay Squeals ]
- And there's
my daughter-in-law.

How you doin', you little
baby-makin' machine?

I got hemorrhoids.

Oh, you poor thing.
Oh, I had those so bad
with Randy.

I thought his foot
was comin' out the back door.
[ Chuckles ]

Look at this.
Look what I found.
My granddaddy's rattle.

I played with it.
You and Randy played with it.

I've been holding onto it,
hopin' that one day I'd have
a grandson I could give it to.

No offense, buddy.

[ Rattling ]
Hear that?

That's Indian teeth.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Before we knew it,
the big day was here.

- [ Screaming ]
- [ Baby Crying ]

Joy?
Yeah, sweetie?

Earl Junior's--
Earl Junior's a little dark.

[ Crying Continues ]

Maybe the cord was wrapped
around his neck. Sometimes
they get a little blue.

No, no. He's--
He's darker than blue.

He's-- He's black.

Oh, my God.
I have read about this.

This can happen when a man
has a repressed black
genie in his body.

I bet your
great-great-great-grandmother
snuck out to the barn...

and let a slave get in
a few licks of his own,
if you know what I'm sayin'.

Excuse me!
Oh, it's all right.
I can say that.

I just had a black baby.

[ Earl Narrating ] I didn't
know what my great-great-great-
grandmother was into sexually,

but my mind was tellin' me to
have doubts about Joy's theory,

so I consulted a professional.

Uh, 'cause we're both
white, so I don't know--
Is this really possible?

I mean, as a doctor,
what do you think
happened here?

Sir, nine months ago
your wife cheated on you
with a black fellow.

[ Phone Ringing ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
It turned out my mind was right.

And as soon as the doctor
confirmed what I feared
was true,

my mind must've told my eyes,
because they took the news
pretty hard.

[ Claps Hands ]
Congratulations, daddy!

[ Squeals ]
Oh, emotional day,
isn't it?

Which one is he?
Where is my grandson?

Uh, he's, uh--
Well, let's see.
Uh, where is he?

Here he is. Yep.
That's him right there--
the white one.

Oh, look at him.
Whoo-hoo.

It's like God took a cherub
from heaven and stamped your
face on it, Carl.

You've done it, Earl.
You've kept the Hickey
name alive.

[ Laughs ]
That's my boy.
Hi.

[ Laughing, Muttering ]

Who's that?

That... is the woman
who's sharing a room
with Joy.

Yeah, she loves Earl Junior.
It's crazy.

She just had her own child,
but she can't keep her
hands off Earl Junior.

[ Laughs ]

That's a little
out of line.

It's the black one,
isn't it?
Yeah.

Apparently,
I'm not the father
of this kid either.

Well, this was fun
while it lasted.

I want my Indian teeth
rattle back.

[ Woman On P.A., Indistinct ]

I'll wash our shirts
and give 'em to Joy.

I suppose that she can
give 'em to her parents...

after she fills in
the little baby face
with a Sharpie.

[ Sobbing ]

At least the first
"igellitimate" child was
the same color as me.

We could all walk
through the mall together
and pass for a family.

Now everyone's gonna stare.
I'm a clown, Randy.
I'm a damn clown.

But people like clowns.
Hey, wait a sec.

If we all painted our faces
like clowns all the time,

no one would ever know
Earl Junior wasn't yours.

Can we? Can we paint
our faces like clowns?

Randy, we're not paintin'
our faces like clowns.

People will still stare.
And if it rained,
we'd be screwed.

Nope, there's only
one thing to do.

I'm gonna go to the trailer
and get all our stuff.

I'm not gonna raise somebody
else's kids anymore.

If she wants a father
for those kids, she's gonna go
and have to find the real ones.

Hey, Earl.

What's up with Earl?
I said, "Hey, Earl," and he
didn't say, "Hey, Crabman."

Joy had her baby,
and it came out black.

Huh?

Yeah. For a second there,
we were all gonna get
to dress up like clowns,

but that didn't work out
the way I'd hoped.

Oh, my God.
I don't believe it.

Wow. Does Earl know
who the real father is?

No. But he's pretty mad.
He went to get all our stuff.
We're leavin' her.

Leaving? What about Joy
and the kids? Who's gonna
take care of them?

Earl said
their real daddy can.
What if the real daddy can't?

What if things are complicated
with the real daddy right now?

What if Joy doesn't seem
to love the real daddy anymore,

and the real daddy's
fiscal instability, volatile
living conditions...

and possible secret identity
doesn't lend itself...

to creating an environment
that's conducive to raising
a child right now?

Are all those words English,
or are you making 'em up?

'Cause I made up a word
last week-- "farnicerous."

I don't know
what it means yet.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So, while Joy was still
in the hospital,

I packed up all the good stuff
and headed out.

All right. I put Bengay
in all her bra cups.

Good. Did you do
what I asked you to do
with her toothbrush?

Yeah. I gotta say
it's not very comfortable.

Randy, you're
supposed to put it back.

Ohhh. Okay.

[ Engine Sputtering ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since we didn't have
any money...

and none of our friends
would let us stay with 'em,

there was only one place
we could go--

back to Mom and Dad's.

It's so exciting.
My boys are back.

Your room is exactly
the way you left it.

Merlin.
We meet again.

I've been practicing
my tic-tac-toe for just
this day, my friend.

You still have my gerbils?
[ Squeaking ]

And then some.

Whoa! Which two
are Lenny and Squiggy?

Who knows?
After you moved out,

Lenny started humpin'
Squiggy, and they've been
multiplyin' ever since.

That's funny.
Lenny humpin' Squiggy.
[ Beeping ]

Did you know they were
gay gerbils when you named 'em?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Learning Squiggy had been
violated by Lenny was a shock,

but bein' in my old room
and seein' my old pets was nice.

At least I was still
kind of a father to somethin'.
[ Tapping Glass ]

[ Boy On TV ]
Go on. Go on. Go on!
What are you doin' here?

We moved back in.
Mom said it was cool.

No. No, it's not cool. Kay?

Her and Randy went to go pick up
a bucket of chicken.

She said she was gonna get
all white meat to make me feel
better about my situation.

You can't just move back in.
We don't have the room.

Where are your kids
gonna sleep?

I don't have any kids.
Well, where's your wife?

Still at the hospital,
probably startin' to figure out
I left her cheatin' ass.

That or she's bangin'
an Asian doctor, tryin' to get
one of everything.

Okay.

I see.

Son, I know you're upset
because he's not your kid.

I was upset
he wasn't my grandson.

And you've got
every right to get mad.

So stay here
for a couple hours, get drunk,
punch a bunch of pillows--

Your mom's got 18
of the damn things on the bed.
Take your pick.

But then you gotta
do the right thing.
You gotta go back.

[ Laughs ]
Yeah, right.

Earl, I'm serious.

I'm not gonna let you
walk away from this...

like I've let you walk away
from everything else
in your life.

I'm not gonna do it anymore.
When you were growing up,

it was always easier
to let you quit stuff...

and not force you
to stick with it.

Piano lessons, baseball.

You brought home that damn lamp
you were supposed to make...

in eighth grade
industrial arts class, and it
doesn't even have a cord in it.

It's a stump with a shade.

Dad, you know I'm scared
of electricity.

As your father, I should've
made you finish it,
but I didn't.

I got three generations
of gerbils in there because
I let you walk away from 'em.

I messed up. I'm not gonna
let that happen again.

And these aren't gerbils
you're walkin' away from
this time.

They're people--
people who need you.

Look, I-I know
it's not gonna be easy.

But I promise if you go back,
eventually you'll realize
it's the right thing to do.

Nope.

Excuse me?

- I'm not doin' it.
- Yes, you are!

- Says who?
- Says me!

I'm doing what I should've done
a long time ago and forcing you
to stick with something.

Now go take care
of your family.

What happens if I don't?

I'll do something.

What? What are you
gonna do, Dad? Spank me?

I'm not 17 anymore.

Okay. All right.
Okay. All right.

You're right.

There's nothing I can do.

That's right.
I'm a grown man.

You don't tell me what to do.
Tucked-in shirts.

Dad, what the hell
are you doin'?

I'm gonna kill your gerbils!
Dad, give me my gerbils!

Not until you go back
to your family.

Dad, this isn't funny!

I'm gonna throw 'em
out the window!
I'm not kidding!

Dad, cut it out.
You're not gonna kill
the gerbils.

I'm gonna do what I have to do
to get you to stick with
something for once in your life!

If that means I have to smash
a few gerbils, then I'm gonna
smash a few gerbils.

Fine. Throw a gerbil.
I dare you.

See? I knew you wouldn't.

- Son of a bitch!
- [ Gerbil Squeaking ]

Dad, what the hell
are you doin'?

- You gonna go take care
of your family?
- She cheated on me!

Sorry, buddy.
She cheated on him.

Oh, my God.
[ Grunts ]

[ Tires Screech ]
Oh, dear.

[ Gerbil Squeaking ]

[ Grunting ]

Your father's blood sugar
must be low again.
Carl, eat an orange!

- Eat an orange!
- [ Groans ]

Dad! Okay. Okay, I'll do it.
I'll go back.

Just stop throwin' the gerbils.
My hands are full, and they pee
when they're scared.

- You promise you'll go back?
- I'll go back.

Good. I'm gonna
hold onto Squiggy...

in case you change
your mind.

- [ Car Door Closes ]
- I wanna play! Dad, hit me!
I'm open!

[ Earl Narrating ] So I went
back to my cheatin' wife
and two "igellitimate" kids.

What can I say?
Love those damn gerbils.

And even though I stayed married
for possibly the craziest reason
anyone has ever stayed married,

it didn't take me long
to realize what my dad
was talkin' about.

* Together we learn
to read and write *

* A child is black *

* A child is white *
These people did need me.

* The whole world looks
upon the sight *

I wasn't the best dad,
but at least I was a dad.

* A beautiful sight *

Earl Junior's real dad hadn't
forgotten about him either.

And eventually Joy fell back
into the arms of Darnell...

'cause, well, that's where
her heart wanted to be.

** [ Continues ]

And when Darnell
was finally ready to be
a husband and a father,

Joy and the kids
didn't need me anymore.

But when they did need me,
I was there.

It was the only good thing
I ever did before I made
the list.

And I owe it all to my dad
for not lettin' me give up.

* Together they grow
to see the light *

* To see the light *
Check it out, Dad.
It's got a cord.

* The world is black *

* The world is white *

* It turns by day *

* And then by night *
That sure is a nice lamp
your boy made, isn't it?

* A child is black
A child is white *

Yeah, it sure is.
* Together they grow *

* To see the light *

* To see the light **

[ Gasping, Screaming ]