Original subtitles

[ Earl Narrating ] Every year, on my birthday, Randy wakes up early...

to make me breakfast in bed.

Unfortunately, he's not used to being up early, and falls right back asleep.

[ Snoring ] Randy.

The thing I was most happy to celebrate...

was not bein' the third person at the motel to be killed in a bed fire.

Another thing I was celebratin' was doin' more good things this year...

than I had in my entire life,

like helpin' a gay guy come out of the closet,

returning a nun to her holy place,

un-ruining a wedding,

and helpin' some freaks jump back into the world.

Lookin' back on the year made me feel pretty proud of myself.

Is there gum in these pancakes?

Yeah. I put all your favorite things in there.

There's beer and gummy worms.

And you know that button that came off your yellow shirt?

I put that in there too, kinda as a joke, but I think one of us already ate it.

Happy birthday. Thanks, Randy.

I really think this is gonna be a happy birthday. Oh!

Found the button.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] This birthday felt different than other ones.

And not just 'cause I didn't start drinkin' at noon.

I had gone a whole year doin' good things,

and Randy was throwin' me a party to celebrate.

Thanks for the button. It's a good size.

I have a customer at Club Chubby who makes them.

It's not a great business, so he has to tip me for his lap dances with buttons.

Look at the cake I got. It was half price.

Who's Gary? Some guy at the Department of Water and Power...

who was standin' in some water when he touched some power.

He's gonna be fine, but they postponed the retirement party.

We're invited. "No gifts, please."

Good. I wouldn't have known what to get him.

It's an ice-cream cake.

That's your favorite kind of cake because it's got ice cream in the middle,

just like your favorite kind of truck does.

You know, an ice-cream truck. I do love ice-cream trucks.

Remember how much fun we used to have with that ice-cream truck in the trailer park?

[ Earl Narrating ] A few years ago, I was into some show where guys acted like jackasses.

I think it was called Dumbass. [ Snoring ]

Anyway, when my neighbor's cable got shut off, I had to entertain myself.

** [ Ice-Cream Truck Loudspeaker ]

[ Rope Stretching ]

But the tricks didn't stop there.

I found lots of other fun ways to wake Randy up.

[ Vacuum Suctioning ] Oh, God! Oh, God! What's happening?

What's happening? Oh, God! What's happening?

[ Gasps ]

Nice try, Earl. Pee is warm.

- Yep. - ** [ Ice-Cream Truck Loudspeaker ]

[ Rope Stretching ]

Listen, I'm sorry. It's on my list,

but tonight's not about what's still on my list, it's about what I've crossed off.

It's been a good year, Randy. I'm gonna go mingle.

Hey, Pickled Egg Guy. Lookin' good.

Nice hat, African American Cowboy.

Hey, Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop. How's the English comin'?

I speak better than you, bitch. [ Chuckles ]

There you go, Willie. See that, Mom? I help people.

Earl, I was just telling One-Eyed William about the time you peed on my brand-new rug.

[ Laughing ] What a story.

There's no way you'd remember that.

[ Earl Narrating ] Mom was right. I didn't remember.

But I'd heard about it enough times to know what it was. [ Giggling ]

Now, you come back here and get this diaper on, Mr. Silly Pants.

[ Door Opening ] Oh.

I think I hear your daddy comin' back from his night out with his friends.

Earl, what are you doing?

Not on the rug! What are you doin' in the bathroom?

Son, this is not the bathroom! Shut the door, Mom.

My living room's not a toilet!

That's a good story, Mom, but that was bad Earl.

I was kinda hopin' we could focus on good Earl tonight.

You know, the one who fixes things.

Well, there's only been one year of good Earl.

I'm not sure we'd have enough to talk about. [ Chuckles ]

Hey, Willie, why don't you show my mom what's under your patch.

Oh, God. It looks like there's a little raisin in there.

Hey, look, Earl. I'm an alcoholic hamster.

You gotta do that for Mr. Turtle. He's gonna laugh and laugh.

Hey, Randy was just tellin' me about the pranks you used to pull.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I've done some bad things. I'm aware of that.

I've written 'em down. But I've done some good things too.

I raised your son for five years. Let's not forget about that.

Oh, I remember.

Although it's a miracle I remember anything after that time you got me stoned.

[ Earl Narrating ] Before Darnell was making his famous lemon squares,

he used to make some pretty famous brownies and sell 'em on Thursday nights.

It bein' the Crab Shack, the only brownies that sold were the $5 ones.

Me and Randy weren't into pot, but we were into money.

[ Chuckles ] My man. Hook me up.

[ Earl Narrating ] The plan was for me and Randy to buy all the 25-cent brownies...

at the end of the night and sell 'em somewhere else.

Like every Thursday night, the quarter brownies didn't sell.

And also like every Thursday night, me and Randy drank so much,

we passed out on the pool table.

So we never got a chance to buy the real pot brownies.

I'm glad the regular brownies didn't sell.

That way, me and my grandmoms can eat all these brownies and play Scrabble tonight.

We share a sweet tooth and a love of language.

[ Earl Narrating ] And I certainly didn't mean to get him stoned like this.

Hey, man. You sold us pot brownies with no pot in them.

I just sat through dinner with my parents straight.

I haven't done that since I was 13!

I listened to a whole Phish album!

And it sucked!

[ Narrating ] I certainly didn't want it to happen like this. Ow!

It was Biblical.

Okay, then. Uh, I'm gonna go fire up the karaoke.

[ Narrating ] Even though the crowd wasn't nearly drunk enough to make karaoke entertaining,

I knew it would at least stop people from reminding me of all the bad stuff I'd done.

Okay, uh, who wants to go first?

Maybe sing, uh, I don't know, "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"?

Donny Jones. Can you come sing for us?

- Oh, I don't know. - Anything you want. What would Jesus sing?

** [ Rock ] This is for my good friend, Earl Hickey,

who went to great lengths to get my mom to quit smokin'...

so we could spend more precious years together.

- [ Cheering ] - He also got me seriously injured by a potted fern.

Still waitin' for you to make up for that one, buddy. [ Chuckles ]

* You're a pot-breaker fern-shaker, scar-maker *

* Don't you mess around with me *

** [ Rock ] * Oh, yeah *

* You're a blood-taker face-raker, frown-maker *

* Get that fern away No, no, no *

[ Narrating ] It was bad enough people were tellin' me about the terrible stuff I had done.

Now Donny was singin' about how I almost got him killed by a fern.

I didn't set out to get Donny hurt. I set out to help a pregnant Joy...

who wasn't feelin' good about how she looked.

What are you hens cluckin' about?

Some more of that blue ice drop from the sky again?

I swear, those pilots see a trailer park and just pull the chute.

There's a Peeping Tom runnin' around.

Mm-hmm. He likes to watch people do it.

He saw Jill doin' it with Doug.

He saw Karen doin' it with clamps on her nubbies.

Hey! That's okay. He saw me doin' it with clamps on my nubbies too.

Thanks for lettin' me borrow your nubbie clamps.

No attractive woman is safe. I'm sure he's peeped you too, Joy.

Oh, yeah. He's at my window all the time...

'cause I'm so pregnant and... hot.

Oh, no!

I left my binoculars and a six-pack of beer...

on the comfy chair right outside our window!

But I'm just too horny now to go and get them!

You put my comfy chair outside?

I had to, Earl. There's a perv out there not peepin' on me,

and I want him peepin' on me, even if it takes all night.

I went to Spencer's Gifts and got us some crazy stuff,

but we're gonna have to do it near an outlet.

[ Narrating ] I knew no matter what we did and no matter what weird gadgets Joy bought,

that perv wasn't gonna show up...

'cause that perv was me.

But I wasn't actually peepin' on people.

I'd seen some kids playing in a big-screen TV box,

and was tryin' to find out who bought it so I could steal it.

[ Screaming ]

[ Earl Narrating ] I wasn't gonna tell Joy it was me...

'cause I went from havin' zero sex with a tired, pregnant woman...

to havin' lots of sex with an angry, pregnant woman on a mission.

We're gonna do stuff from the Kama Sutra,

where I sit cross-legged and wiggle...

while you hold it for two hours, like Sting does.

Get that oil out. We're not stoppin' this love bus until the baby tugs on the cord.

It's time for spankings. But not for our kids.

We're good parents. We use time-outs.

It's time for Mama's spanking, 'cause I've been a bad girl!

[ Earl Narrating ] It was fun at first.

But after a week of still not gettin' peeped at, she gave up.

I got the sex swing bolted back in the ceiling.

This time I'm sure I hit a stud. That makes two studs in the house.

Forget it, Earl. He doesn't care about me.

I mean, how bad do you have to be to get passed over by a trailer-park perv?

Well, maybe if we brought another girl in, that might do the trick.

[ Earl Narrating ] Layin' there, horny on the ground, I knew I had to come up with a plan.

So I paid my friend Donny Jones to peep and run. I knew he'd be perfect,

'cause even when he just looked at women normal, it creeped 'em out.

Hey! It's him!

He's peepin' me! He's peepin' me!

[ Earl Narrating ] The peep part worked out fine. The runnin' part didn't.

Ow! Ow!

This is for peepin' me before I finished Jenny Craig!

I forgot about that fern thing.

Donny showed me where he's got a piece of that terra-cotta underneath his scalp.

It's, like, this big, shaped like Texas.

It's half that big, okay? And he should be thankin' me.

It's the only thing he has to talk about, other than his Bible.

Besides, the whole thing started with me tryin'...

to make you feel better about yourself when you were pregnant.

Please. You were horrible.

If I hadn't been carrying another man's baby, I would've left you.

** [ Rock ]

[ Man ] * I was just a skinny lad *

Come on.

[ Man ] * But I knew life before I left my nursery *

Whoa! [ Laughing ]

Come on.

* She was such a naughty nanny *

* Heap big woman You made a bad boy out of me *

* Oh, won't you take me home tonight *

Come on.

* Oh, and you give it all you got *

- Hey, fatty. - * Fat-bottomed girls *

- Come on. - * You make the rockin' world go round **

Look, I'm sorry. How many "G's" in "pregnant"?

What do I look like, a professor of spellin'?

Just put it on there, and do it soon.

Whoa.

Not before you do number 86.

That one was way worse.

[ Earl Narrating ] Eighty-six was a bad one.

It was Ladies Night at the Crab Shack,

which meant me and Randy were usin' some of our best moves.

Hi, I'm Randy. Are you drunk enough to go home with me?

Yep.

You got great boobs, Peggy.

My name's Didi.

You got great boobs, Didi.

Your mama sure raised a sweet talker.

[ Earl Narrating ] Everything seemed normal, [ Snoring ]

until the next morning.

I'm gonna make us some coffee.

But when Didi got out of bed, one of her legs didn't go with her.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Do you want me to whip up some eggs?

Shut up! I'm thinkin'! I mean, sure.

Earl, can you come in here and give me a hand?

A hand? There was a hand? [ Whimpers ]

[ Earl Narrating ] I wanted out of there fast,

but I had paid for Didi's drinks all night,

and I thought I deserved a refund.

Earl, do you mind--

You son of a bitch!

[ Grunts ] Wait!

Uh, uh, stand back! Stand back! [ Screams ]

You said you loved me!

[ Ricochet ]

- [ Glass Clinking ] - Everyone, can I get your attention, please?

I'd like to give a toast to my son, the man of the hour.

Stand up, Earl.

I am so proud of the man you've become.

[ Earl Narrating ] I never would've expected my dad to be the one...

who finally turned my night around.

Because, boy, you were a pain in the ass. It turns out he wasn't.

Remember the time you almost got me divorced?

[ Earl Narrating ] Dad wasn't always in a good mood when he came home from work.

Earl, get your feet off the table.

[ Boys Laughing ]

- I said get 'em off. - They're not on the table. Look.

Yeah?

Well, let's see you put your feet on it now?

Oh, you think that's funny?

[ Chattering On TV ]

Ah, enjoy your cartoons now. [ Cackles ]

Man, your dad is a jerk.

[ Earl Narrating ] I thought my dad was a jerk too.

In fact, I wished Dad was more like my friend Eric's mom.

[ Chattering On TV ]

Oh, hi, babies.

How are you?

Oh, you are so handsome, all of you, like little men.

Oh, no, no, no, don't move your feet, don't move your feet.

Now, let's see.

This little piggy went to the market,

and this little piggy went, uh--

Oh, he went somewhere else.

Hey, why are we not dancing?

Oh!

Your mom is so cool.

[ Earl Narrating ] I didn't get how drinkin' made Eric's mom so happy.

My dad drank too, but he never wanted to dance.

Then I saw she had a secret formula.

Mmm.

Did you tell your brother he could eat all the pigs out of the blankets?

What are we supposed to do with all these blankets?

Our friends are gonna think we're so poor we can't afford the pigs.

[ Earl Narrating ] Even at his own anniversary party, Dad was grouchy.

But luckily, I stole some pills from Eric's mom.

A little while later, my dad went from unhappy to a little too happy.

Uh-oh. There's a goose on the loose! [ Quacking ]

[ Quacking ] [ Gasps ]

[ Quacking Continues ]

- Ooo-ooh! - [ Screams ]

Hey, everybody!

What do you say we have ourselves a little key party?

Kay's wanted to be with a black man ever since she saw Roots. Shh!

Hey, come on, Perry. Come over here.

Cough up some keys. I want to get a shot at your fine wife. [ Chuckles ]

No, wait. No fat chicks.

Just kidding! I love fat chicks! [ Chuckles ]

Mini-quiche?

I slept on the couch for a week after that party.

That's when my back problems started. Thanks for that one too, Son.

[ Earl Narrating ] My celebration had turned into the birthday that wouldn't end.

And Earl left me with one turntable and no microphone.

It's on the list.

[ Synthesized Voice ] Then he made a wish and threw a penny in my hole.

[ Crowd Groans ] 165, and I'll never drink cinnamon schnapps again.

He stole my left front hubcap, he stole my right front hubcap,

he slept with my sister, he stole my right rear hubcap.

I gotta get some air.

He stole my left windshield wiper, he stole my right windshield wiper,

he stole the pine tree air freshener.

[ Earl Narrating ] I wasn't just gettin' air. I was goin' home. I'd had enough.

I realized I'd been wrong to expect everyone to make a big fuss about me and my list.

Well, I guess the only person that was gonna pat me on the back was me.

And then I saw the last person in the world I wanted to see come hoppin' towards me.

- Earl! - Unbelievable.

Hi, Didi. Uh, I was gonna call you.

Wait!

You son of a bitch!

[ Grunting ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Moans ] Mother, mother, mother, mother!

Come on!

- [ All ] Surprise! - Happy birthday!

- Happy birthday! - Happy birthday!

- Surprise, Earl! It was all a prank! - Huh?

We thought trickin' you would be funny, like when you tied that rope to my foot.

But instead of rope, it was mean words about things you've done...

that made you want to hate yourself. Well, it worked.

- It was all my idea. - You gotta admit, it was funny.

- [ Imitating Earl ] I mean, come on. - [ All Laughing ]

We were about to let you in on it, but you went off with your panties in a wad.

Happy birthday. What are you doin'?

Crossin' off the key party incident.

Nobody knew what to get you for your birthday.

Yeah, they stopped makin' those flannel shirts in 1991.

[ All Laughing ]

So we figured the best idea was we each pick a thing and cross it off your list.

Randy, cross off the piddle-on-the-rug one for me, would you?

You've done a lot of good things this past year. We're real proud of you, Son.

I-I-I don't know what to say.

Hey, Earl, can I give you your cake now?

The wind from the bullet hole in the wall keeps blowin' out the candle.

Don't forget to make a wish. [ Pounding On Door ]

[ Didi ] Earl, open the door!

- Is Didi in on this? - No.

[ Earl Narrating ] I had tried to make up to Didi before, and I will again.

But tonight was not the time.

So what I wished for was for Didi to go away.

And after 30 minutes of waitin'-- [ Glass Shattering ]

And a brick through the El Camino window-- [ Car Alarm Blaring ]

[ Car Alarm Beeps Off ]

She's gone!

Now, who's ready to get this party started right?

** [ Rap ]

[ Man On Record ] * Aw, dig it *

* Cold cooling at a bar *

* And I'm lookin' for some action *

[ Earl Narrating ] This was exactly the way I pictured my birthday happening.

* The girls are all around but none of them want to get with me *

[ Earl Narrating ] Well, except how Dad was freakin' on Mom.

And like all my birthdays, I eventually got drunk enough to break-dance.

[ All ] Go, Earl. Go, Earl.

It's your birthday. It's your birthday.

Go, Earl. Go, Earl.

It's your birthday. It's your birthday.

Go, Earl. Go, Earl.

It's your birthday. It's your birthday.

Go, Earl. Go, Earl.

It's your birthday. It's your birthday.