Original subtitles

[ Earl Narrating ] Lately I've been getting trapped a lot.

Damn it. Randy! I knew Randy couldn't help me...

'cause Saturdays are when he listens to America's Top 40 Countdown.

* The names and the trends *

[ Pounding ] * High school never ends *

* Oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh *

* Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh *

Hey! * Oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh **

After that I was at the Crab Shack...

and got trapped talkin' to Slow Roger.

...popcorn shrimp, coconut shrimp,

pepper shrimp, shrimp soup.

My fifth-favorite Tom Hanks movie is Philadelphia.

He had scabs on his arms,

scabs on his legs, scabs on his back,

scabs on his neck--

And it wasn't just me who got trapped.

The El Camino was squeezed in so tight...

I couldn't even get to the door.

So I went for the only other entrance there was.

And when I got trapped for the fourth time,

I finally realized it was karma trying to tell me something.

I just wasn't sure what.

And then I knew.

It wasn't something on my list, but it should have been.

A few months back Joy stole a truck.

When we opened up the back,

we found out she'd accidentally kidnapped a guy.

And I helped her keep him in there while we figured out what to do with him.

Karma was telling me I needed to make up for it.

Help! Anybody?

Hello!

What's goin' on, Earl?

Hey, did you see that Saving Private Ryan on TV last night?

There was that guy that died on the beach.

And that other guy that died on the beach.

And that other guy that got hit on the helmet.

He didn't die on the beach.

Then he took his helmet off.

Then he died on the beach. [ Groans ]

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] I thought about what to do for that guy Joy kidnapped,

and since I must have caused him a lot of stress,

I decided I should treat him to a massage with Tammy,

Camden's only legitimate masseuse.

Make sure you don't knock until we get around the corner.

He can't see me. This gift has to be unanimous.

He knows it's just a massage, right?

I'm sick of seeing their hips go up and hearing, "You missed a spot."

No, no. He knows. And sorry for what happened.

Randy misunderstood what was goin' on.

I never had a legal massage. What's the point?

It's like drinkin' non-alcoholic beer.

[ Alarm Beeping ]

Wonder if he's sleepin'.

[ Beeping Continues ]

[ Beeping ]

Turns out we could send Tammy home...

'cause there was nobody who could massage the stiffness out of Josh now.

[ Radio, Indistinct ] How did this happen?

Man, sometime when a garbage truck goes by...

and a door slam at the same time, the bed goes up.

I probably should have rented to a heavier guy.

Hey, easy there, homeboy. You left a mark.

Every time they pick somebody up they leave a mark.

[ Earl Narrating ] Finding the guy on my list dead kind of bummed me out.

We weren't exactly close, but when someone you kidnap passes away,

any normal person is gonna be upset.

Whoo-hoo! My witness is dead!

Darnell, get me a pitcher of champagne.

-We don't have champagne. -Then get me a chablis and 7-Up. I want something sparkly.

Wait. Why are you celebratin'? The guy was a human being.

A human being that could have put me away for life.

My trial just got a lot easier. My deaf lawyer said it was a lucky break.

Well, actually, she said, "Wucky bake."

[ Laughs ] You gotta meet her.

She's funnier than that little insurance lizard that talks.

My God, I would marry that thing.

Hey, Darnell, speakin' of marriage--

Do you have any sort of drinks for married people...

like a "Bloody Married" or a "Married-tini"?

I'm only interested on account of we're married now. Me and her.

[ Earl Narrating ] Ever since Randy married Catalina...

so she could come back to America, [ Horns Honking ]

he was lettin' people know about it whenever he could.

I got the license plate number for the car that hit you.

I was standing over there with my new wife.

We got married recently. See the ring?

Do you like man jewelry? I didn't think I would, but I really do.

Anyway, as married people, we saw that car run you over and--

I forgot the license plate number.

So have you guys started looking for a fake apartment yet?

We don't need an apartment. Randy just married me so I could get into the country.

Yeah, but you still gotta make the marriage look legit.

Those I.N.S. people are tough.

They took away our Filipino busboy last week.

Poor little guy tried to hold 'em off...

with a dirty mop and a feisty crab.

Well, I would like a new place.

Where I am now is a little cramped.

[ Machinery Whirring ]

What do you think? Do we need to get an apartment together?

What do you think, Earl? Do we need to get an apartment with Catalina?

I think she means just the two of you, since you're married now.

- Just you and Catalina. - Just me and Catalina?

Yes, I'd like to do it, please.

* Ding dong the witness is dead *

* The witness is dead The witness is dead **

[ Earl Narrating ] I wasn't sure how to cross a dead guy off my list,

so I went to Hamerick's Funeral Home to find out when his funeral was gonna be.

Maybe someone there could tell me what I could do for Josh.

[ Crowd Cheering ] Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamerick?

[ Announcer, Indistinct ]

Mr. Hamerick?

He's a heavy sleeper. Let me try to wake him up.

[ Blaring ]

[ Chuckling ] I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. I'm Mr. Hamerick.

Wh-What's a dead guy doin' watchin' a football game?

That's what we do here at Hamerick's.

We don't do any of those stiff-in-the-box viewings like those Nathanville hacks.

No. Here we specialize in what I call "The Living Tableaux."

We show 'em doing what they loved in life.

Last week I had a gangbanger tagging a Dumpster.

It looked so real, the rival gang came in and shot him again.

Wow. That is so cool. Earl, when I die can you dress me up like an astronaut?

But put me on a chair couch like that guy.

I don't wanna go up in space. People die up there.

How can I help you? One of you sick?

We're here to find out when Josh Martin's funeral is.

Josh Martin. Oh, the retractable-bed kid?

Nobody claimed his body. He's not gonna have a funeral.

- That's terrible. - Excuse me. Are those potato chips real,

or are they dead too?

[ Earl Narrating ] I wanted to get ideas on what I could do for Josh,

so I went to talk to his neighbors.

Dead? I loved that guy. He was my hero.

I've never seen anybody accomplish so much with just hooks for hands.

Think we're talking about a different guy, but thanks anyway.

I knocked on every door in the building,

and even went by his work, but no one seemed to know anything about him.

Here's an apartment that's pretty cheap.

Randy, we're not renting any apartment where they ask girls...

to send in pictures to prove they're not fatties.

I can't believe it. I looked everywhere.

The guy had no friends. Nobody even knew him.

I knew a guy like that once.

Oh, wait. I guess I didn't--

Because if I knew him, then he wouldn't be a guy that nobody knew.

I guess I didn't know a guy like that. Sorry. I thought I did.

Well, I guess that's it.

I gave it a shot, but I can't find any way to help the dude.

Josh, if you're watchin', you saw I tried.

I'm gonna cross you off now.

Uh, if there's a problem with that--

I don't know. Make my pen explode.

Oh, wait.

Okay, make it explode.

Okay, I guess we're cool then.

[ Earl Narrating ] Usually I get a great night's sleep...

after crossing something off my list,

but crossin' Josh off just didn't seem to do the trick.

[ Gasps ] Holy Moses. I thought you were dead.

Hey, Earl. Uh, I am dead.

Point to a number.

Um, Okay. Six.

One, two, three-- Are you mad I crossed you off?

Kind of. Doesn't seem fair. I mean, you didn't do anything for me.

I-I don't know what to do for you.

Just tell me what to do and I'll do it.

Anything you want, and I'll do it.

Do you know what they do with unclaimed bodies in Camden County?

- No. - They sell 'em to the university...

for medical students to practice on.

I just know some joker's gonna stick a pencil in my butt.

You want me write a letter to the university? Is that why you're here?

Pick a color and look underneath.

Don't let me be forgotten.

I have to throw Josh a funeral.

When I find an apartment with Catalina,

I don't know who's gonna clip your nails for you.

[ Spits ]

So, any thoughts of what you want for the retractable-bed kid?

With the proper makeup I can turn him into a young Mel Gibson.

I'm only mentioning this 'cause we've got a dead black guy coming in later.

I thought I could whip up a whole Lethal Weapon kind of thing.

Walter, I respect your work,

and I'm sure a lot of clients like this kind of thing.

He looks happy.

Probably 'cause, uh, you put staples in his face.

But not knowin' Josh, I'd feel safer doing something not so--

- Creative? - Well, I was gonna say creepy and insane,

but what I mean is,

I want something dignified and respectful.

A box. You want a box.

You want the number three package with the blue suit and the hill-view plot...

and Pachelbel's Canon in "D" on organ,

with the Stargazer lilies and the card with the 23rd psalm on it.

Well, n-not the cannon. That sounds a little dangerous.

Should I just go to Nathanville?

No, I'll do it. I need the money. I get sued a lot.

[ Earl Narrating ] After pulling the trigger on the number three package,

there were still a few decisions I had to make.

Look for something of Josh's that'd be good to bury him in--

Something dignified. Something that says, "I should be remembered."

I don't wanna speak ill of the dead,

but fashion-wise, that boy died years ago.

Why do you care so much about this guy anyway?

'Cause he came to visit me last night in my dream.

That's just your conscience, stupid. Ignore it.

That's how I got through cheatin' on you all those years.

Please. You know how many times I saw you standing on the hood of my car...

while I was humpin' Darnell, huh?

Well, you know, it's nice to know that you care, but I can't ignore Josh.

You know, I think you'd be a little more helpful after everything you did to him.

- Fine. I'll sell you Darnell's wedding suit. - The purple tux?

I thought you said that had grass stains on the back of it.

No, that was my wedding dress.

[ Early Narrating ] I wanted a big turnout at the funeral,

so I put up a flier at the Crab Shack...

advertising free food and free booze for all mourners.

And I was confident I'd put together a dignified funeral...

that would help him be remembered.

Hey, Crabman. Hey, Earl.

Thanks for comin'. Josh would be happy to know you're here.

Who?

[ Earl Narrating ] Although there were a few signs...

things might not go exactly as I planned.

Hey, Earl, if people don't eat all the food, can I take it?

I could feed the kids for weeks on this.

Did you cut the face out of the cake?

Relax. I did you a favor.

This picture was makin' everybody think about the dead guy.

We're supposed to think about the dead guy. This is his funeral.

Earl, uh, quick question. Why is the dead guy wearing my suit?

Oh, I sold it to Earl for 50 bucks.

You sold my wedding suit? It ain't like you need it anymore.

I mean, are you plannin' on getting married again?

I love that suit, and I can't replace it.

The E.P.A. says the dye is poisonous, and they can't make it anymore.

Look, Darnell, you'll get the suit back just as soon as the ceremony's over, okay?

Till then he's gonna have his dead skin touching my suit, huh?

And his dead junk.

I hear your junk gets really tiny when you die.

Like when you're in a pool.

You're just sayin' that to make me feel good. His junk didn't shrink.

[ Laughing, Chattering ]

Hold on a second.

Damn it, people, this is a coffin, not a bar. Move your stuff.

Who put a cigarette in his mouth?

Hey, Earl. Sorry we're late. We were looking for apartments,

then we picked up my coworkers at Club Chubby.

Ooh! Cake. I got a free lap dance on the way over.

But that's just 'cause there were more people than seats in the car.

That's great, Randy. I hope we didn't miss your speech.

Oh, crap-- The eulogy. I gotta go practice.

Hey, Earl, great party. It's not a party.

Hey, Earl, I think I remember reading that dead people can still "flatulate."

Do you think he's "flatulating" in my suit? 'Cause that ain't cool.

Look, I'll get it dry-cleaned.

You can't just take it to any cleaners.

If they see it's got that purple poison dye, by law they have to destroy it.

[ Earl Narrating ] Unfortunately, when I went into the bathroom...

to read over the notes I'd taken for my eulogy,

I realized it was just a list of things I saw in Josh's apartment.

"Cactus, mayonnaise, eggs, gas bill."

[ Clears Throat ]

Josh: Cactus,

mayonnaise,

eggs,

gas bill.

Come on, Earl. All right.

Now we lay him down to sleep,

we pray the Lord his soul to keep.

And when the... bough breaks--

You can do this, Earl.

The Lord giveth, and the bed taketh away.

Come on, Earl. "J" to the Sizzle, "O" to the "Hizzle."

Gimme a "J." [ Groans ]

Come on, Earl. Cry.

Uh, Lynyrd Skynyrd plane crash.

Uh, the Def Leppard drummer.

Gas bill. I suck.

What the hell is that?

You had me at Josh.

While I spent time finding the right words to send Josh off to heaven,

everyone at the funeral had started raisin' hell.

[ Man ] * All you had to do was give Humpty a chance *

* And now I'm gonna do my dance *

* Humpty dance is a chance so do the hump *

* Come on Yeah, sexy baby *

- Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! - * Do the Humpty hump **

** [ Ends ] We're not just here to go wild and have a good time.

We're here to talk about Josh.

- Who? - The dead guy we're here to respect.

Now, I've written up a eulogy.

- Turn the music back on. - No.

You're all gonna shut up, sit down and listen to my beautiful damn eulogy.

[ Groans ] Now--

Josh was a good man. [ Clattering ]

- My bad. - All right, that's it.

Everybody out. Everybody.

Sorry, man. I let you down.

A coffin's not a trash can.

Earl! You still in here?

You mind if I take some of the leftovers?

You kidnapped me and this-- this is all I get? [ Gasps ]

[ Screaming ]

Six! Green, green!

I swear to God, Earl, that dream about made me pee up my bed.

I never do that sober.

I know. It's scary, isn't it? Freaky.

Left me feelin' all-- I don't know how to explain it.

It's not mad, because I don't want to hurt anybody,

and it's not sad because I don't want to hurt anybody.

Earl, I think I might be feeling guilty for what I did to him.

Really?

Well, this may sound weird, but I'm kind of glad to hear that.

Proud of you, Joy.

Take it easy, cupcake. We're not girlfriends here.

Just find a way to get him remembered so he'll get out of my sleep.

I've already tried, but the guy didn't know anybody.

I mean, you can't be remembered if no one knew you in the first place.

All we can do is just pack up his stuff like the landlord wants, and get out.

I think it's depressing.

I mean, this cactus is the only living thing that'll even notice that Josh is gone.

And that'll take six months at least, because these things don't take that much water.

Damn it, how the hell do you go through life and not connect with anybody?

Oh, I think I broke something. The fish went away.

[ Pops ] What the hell is that?

"BigDog842, are you there?"

The computer's talking to me. It's callin' me BigDog.

It's not the computer talking. It's somebody in the wide, wide world of web.

Can we talk back? Hello?

That's not a microphone, dummy. That's the arrow-mover thingy.

God, I swear I can't believe you've never heard of instant text chat.

- [ Pops ] - There's another one.

- [ Pops ] - Someone else is on there too.

[ Pops ] They're all lookin' for Josh.

[ Popping ]

[ Earl Narrating ] We discovered that Josh had a whole world of friends.

They were just inside that box, hiding behind the fish.

Turns out he played poker with guys from all over the world.

[ Laughing ] Full house!

And once again, Chen, I take your yen.

[ Beeping ]

** [ Recorder, Harpsichord ] He also played medieval music with a girl...

named "Harpycord" from Colby, Kansas.

He enjoyed arguing about television shows...

in online forums under the name "whojackie."

No, I don't think shows should do more meta-jokes...

that cater to the online bloggers,

and I'm sure everyone at televisionwithoutpity.com agrees with me.

Friday nights he had dinner...

with a friend he met online from India. [ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Glasses Clink ]

And every weekend he played war games with a guy named Sharpshooter.

Medic! Soldier down, and I'm out of healing packs.

Funny thing, help wasn't as far away as Josh thought it was.

Hold on, BigDog! Help's on the way.

We'll just mow down this wall of Nazis.

We spent the whole day telling people about Josh dying,

and then something unexpected happened--

All the people who lived within driving distance...

wanted to get together and remember him.

So a few days later Walter helped me and Joy throw another funeral for Josh.

And this time I didn't have to try to give him a eulogy.

People who knew him did it instead.

Man, Josh could make me L.O.L. [ Chuckling ]

I'd always be R.O.T.F.L.M.A.O.

And he was there when you needed him.

He'd never give you a B.R.B. or an A.F.K.

He always sent the best forwards,

and when you sent him a chain letter-- [ Chuckles ]

you knew he'd pass it on. [ Phone Rings ]

Excuse me. Hello. This is Technical Support.

How can I help you today? My name is Mary Smith.

He was the best damn war gamer I ever played with.

He was always a medic, 'cause he liked to heal people.

If only he could have healed himself.

[ Earl Narrating ] In the end, getting together to memorialize Josh...

made some pretty amazing things happen.

Guys who used to play online poker with him...

started getting together once a month to actually play in person.

For BigDog. BigDog, yeah. BigDog.

And since nobody wanted to rent an apartment where a guy had died,

Randy and Catalina got Josh's old place for a price they could afford.

Oh! The landlord even fixed the bed.

But most important,

Josh was remembered by someone who never expected to care.

If you haven't thought of a name for it, I think I have one.

"Mr. Prickly."

Naming a cactus--

That's the stupidest damn thing I've ever heard of in all my life.

Says Mrs. Prickly.