Original subtitles

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] How did I end up in Catalina's village being held at gunpoint...

by a cross-eyed Latino dude?

Well, it all started with Randy.

After having a crush on Catalina for over a year, he finally decided to tell her how he felt.

Unfortunately, because of a little gambling problem...

me and my gay friend Kenny were having,

Catalina got arrested and deported before Randy could talk to her.

Then, on our way to Catalina's village, I got taken off the bus at gunpoint...

and brought here, where I was probably gonna die.

He's here.

Wait till he sees we have a gringo here.

[ Horn Honking ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out their boss, Diego, had a real strong feeling about America.

At least what he knew about it from TV before his satellite broke...

in 1988.

Hey. Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?

[ Earl ] Catalina always talked about how scary and superstitious her village was.

While I was learnin' about the scary, Randy was learnin' about the superstitious.

Excuse me. You mind if I take those flowers and that sandwich?

Normally, I'd ask my brother if it was all right, but I don't know where he is.

No, please. Take whatever.

Thanks. I need 'em 'cause I'm tracking down the love of my life,

and the plane I was on didn't stop at Sky Mall.

Manuel. ¡Mi hijo!

Those things that you hold are from our shrine...

dedicated to our son, Manuel, may he rest in peace.

The sandwich isn't what killed him, is it?

No, it was a scooter.

The charity that dropped off toys that year didn't send helmets.

Whoever eats the sandwich from the sacred shrine...

now carries the soul of the deceased inside him.

As the keeper of our son's soul,

you must come with us to our home so we can have one final evening with our son,

an evening we never had.

I'm sorry I swallowed your son. I can throw him up, if you want me to.

But right now I'm busy lookin' for my friend Catalina.

Catalina from America?

You know her?

Yes, we know her.

And I will take you to her,

if you will give us one more night with our son.

I'll be your son for the night.

But I have a white mom back in America, and she can never find out about this.

[ Earl Narrating ] Back at home, Darnell was havin' trouble of his own.

His neighbors had parked their house too close,

and, well, Joy wouldn't do anything about it...

'cause her deaf lawyer put her on happy pills to control her anger.

Can we at least shut the window when they're running the dryer?

I like it. Feels like I'm bein' kissed by a thousand little bunnies.

Joy, I'm serious. There's little pieces of clothes in my apple brown betty.

Why don't you just take your little apple brown buns there and tell 'em how you feel?

I tried. But you know bein' in the Witness Protection Program makes me uneasy.

I don't like it when strangers ask too many questions.

[ Spits ] * Let it snow, let it snow let it snow *

I brought these for you, and I wanted to ask you a favor. Can you please--

- What are they? - Lemon squares.

- Is that powdered sugar on top? - Yes.

Did you make 'em yourself?

My name is Darnell Turner, and that's all it's ever been.

I just hope they give us back our plate.

Oh, Darnell, just let 'em keep it.

What good is a plate if you can't share it with your neighbor?

* ...slowly dying And my dear we're still good-bye-ing *

Joy, are you even in there?

[ Rattling ]

Ow! I just got hit by a hot penny.

[ Earl Narrating ] Diego liked my American jeans so much, he took 'em.

You're a drug dealer, aren't you?

Uh, no, I'm not even a drug user. So what are you then?

A roadie tryin' to score drugs for a rock band? I seen it all.

You tell Billy Idol he's not gonna get his white wedding from here.

Look, I'm not a drug guy. I'm just lookin' for my friend Catalina.

Catalina? What's her last name?

Uh, I don't know. It's, uh-- It's somethin' Latin-y.

Uh, it ends in "ez" or "illa." Tortilla?

You're here to help your friend Catalina Tortilla?

Uh, th-that might not be it, but she is my friend.

Pretty, long dark hair. Uh, loves to dance.

- A lot of jumpin'. - Catalina!

Catalina's my niece. Why didn't you say so?

* Jump around I'm the cream of the crop I rise to the top *

* I never eat a pig 'cause a pig is a cop **

[ Snapping Fingers ]

What a small world after all.

- You're her friend, and Mario's her little brother. - Nice to meet you.

All right. We'll take you to see Catalina. First, we gotta run a few errands.

Uh, they're not dangerous, are they?

[ Gunshots ] [ Woman Screaming ]

[ Gunshots Continue ]

[ Earl Narrating ] I knew karma wanted me to find Catalina and bring her back,

but I also knew it didn't want me to help murder some poor guy...

just 'cause he was late on his goat payments. I can't do this.

Why not? He's a little guy, so you don't have to dig so deep.

I'm sorry, but I can't help you do bad stuff.

If I do, I gotta put it on my list,

and I don't want to get on another plane and come down here and make up for it.

Hey, list-- What list?

It's a list of everything bad I've done. Gettin' Catalina deported's on there.

That's why I gotta bring her back. I gotta cross her off.

And who made you write this list? Your president, Señor Reagan?

No one made me do it. I did it on my own, after I learned about karma.

[ Earl Narrating ] So I took a shot and told Diego everything I knew about karma.

I told him about how I was tryin' to make up...

for all the bad things I've done, one by one.

So you say you learned about karma on American TV, huh?

[ Earl Narrating ] That's when I knew I had him.

All right. All right, I'll try it.

Even though you owe me a lot of money, I will no longer kill you.

- Instead, the new Diego will kill your wife. - No, no!

Your children. Nope.

Okay, what then? How about a payment plan?

I choose that one.

[ Earl Narrating ] While I was making Diego understand karma,

Randy was trying to understand what it meant to be a dead son.

Did you enjoy the flan?

You mean the yellow slimy stuff I took one bite of and spit back out?

It was okay.

- So what now? - You know.

- I do? - Come on, Manuel.

- It is the same as every night. - More flan?

Tickle fiesta!

[ Giggling ]

Stop! I'm gonna pee!

Let yourself go, my son. It's a dirt floor.

[ Earl Narrating ] Seein' Catalina was gonna have to wait.

As bad as Diego was, there were worse bandidos in the area,

and he had to keep watch and protect the village from 'em.

No, ALF was from the planet Melmac. He's an alien.

I thought he was a monkey. A monkey? No, he ate cats.

Why would a monkey eat a cat? Your monkey ate my cat.

Fine. But at least my monkey wasn't sarcastic and cracking jokes all the time.

[ Earl Narrating ] All that talk about monkeys at bedtime made me think of Randy.

I didn't know where he was, but I sure hoped he was okay.

Hey, Earl.

Yeah, Randy?

Do you think when everybody dies, they come back as a sandwich?

I don't know, Randy. Maybe.

After I die, if you ever see a peanut butter and bologna sandwich,

eat it, because that's me.

Okay.

Earl?

Yeah, Randy?

Do you miss me?

Yeah, Randy, I do.

I miss you too, Earl.

Cold? Sí, mami.

[ Earl Narrating ] Randy wasn't the only one havin' a hard time sleepin'.

Darnell found the neighbors' motion detector hard to ignore.

[ Electrical Buzzing ]

[ Earl Narrating ] The next morning, Diego finally brought me to Catalina's village.

I thought the villagers would be surprised to see a pantless American,

but they were more surprised to see a friendly Diego.

- ¡Buenos días! - [ Woman Screaming ]

[ Man Shouting In Spanish ]

Ooh, tacos. Uh, do you think I can get my wallet back?

Uh, maybe-- maybe with my pants?

Yeah, of course. How rude of me.

You stay here, get some tacos. I'll go get Catalina.

[ Zipper Unzipping ]

[ Earl Narrating ] I was excited about gettin' my pants back.

Between the cold air and the giant mosquitoes, I had missed them quite a bit.

But then I saw somethin' I had missed even more.

- Randy! - Earl!

You're okay! I'm okay.

Mami, papi, this is my brother, Earl. Ah, my stepson.

Oh, I ate the soul of their dead child.

If you see one layin' around, grab it.

Tastes just like a sandwich, and you get to have tickle fights and pee on the floor.

Sounds great, Randy.

I was dragged off the bus before I got to tell you this, but I'm sorry.

You're right. I-I was actin' like a baby.

Who am I to say you don't have a chance with Catalina?

In fact, her uncle just went to get her.

What? I can't see her dressed like this.

- You look cute. - I don't want to look cute, mami.

I want to look like a hero. A big, sexy hero from America that came to save her.

- Mi hijo. - Stay out of my life, mami!

Teenagers. Yeah, those are the rough years.

Thank you so much.

No problem. And again, sorry about fartin' on your lap, buddy.

It wasn't your fault. Maria shouldn't have tickled you so hard.

- Earl! - Catalina!

I can't believe you came all this way to get me.

Well, it was my fault you got sent down here in the first place.

I forgive you. I forgive you. And yes, I will marry you! What?

When my uncle told me you will marry me so I could get my green card, I couldn't believe it.

- He told you that? - What? I'm sorry. Did you want it to be a surprise?

No, it still feels like a surprise.

You are a true friend, Earl. Thank you so, so much.

I didn't know how I was gonna get back. Aww.

It's beautiful. It's beautiful. You mess things up, you fix it. It's karma. Look at that.

I'm proud to have worn your pants for 14 hours.

Randy!

[ Laughing ]

I am so happy! Me too.

Are you gonna be the best man? Best I can be.

No, Earl's best man, at the wedding.

Who's Earl marrying?

Me, silly. Isn't it amazing? He is my hero.

[ Grunts ]

[ Earl ] While Catalina and Diego were off preparin' my third unplanned wedding,

I was tryin' to find Randy, whose feelings I'd accidentally hurt... again.

Randy? Randy!

** [ Man Singing "Time After Time" In Spanish ]

[ Exhales ]

Look, Randy, it wasn't my fault.

Diego thought that was the plan.

She's my friend. What was I supposed to do?

Oh, yeah? Well, if you like her so much, why don't you marry her?

Oh, wait, you are. Walk with me, Pedro.

Look, it all happened too fast, Randy.

She was so happy, she started huggin' me.

She was supposed to be huggin' me. This was my chance to be a hero, and you stole it.

Randy, you-you can still be the hero.

We'll switch, and you can be the one who marries her.

No! For me to have a chance, it needed to be perfect, Earl.

I needed to come in, save the day and sweep her off her feet.

Now I'm just gonna look pathetic and weird,

and I don't want to look pathetic and weird.

Come on, Pedro. ** [ Continues ]

* Spanish and Spanish and Spanish *

* Spanish **

[ Earl Narrating ] While I tried to find a way to get through to Randy,

Darnell was just tryin' to get through the day.

Tina, how much if I can get this cupcake in the trash can from here?

Five bucks says you miss.

I'll split that cupcake with you, cupcake.

Joy, I need the old you back!

I'm yin, you're yang. Yin is nice, yang's a bitch!

This house doesn't work without yang!

[ Earl Narrating ] Nothin' Darnell said could snap Joy out of her drug-induced happiness.

- But somethin' eventually did. - Beer can!

Oh, snappity-snap-snap-snap!

Excuse me.

We haven't officially met, but I'm Joy Turner from the trailer next door.

I passed you those bleach wipes for your fanny hole.

- Hope it didn't take any skin off. - A little.

Good. Listen, now I know on the outside I look like a real sweetie sweetheart,

but trust me, on the inside I'm a hundred percent bitch.

I even have a T-shirt that says it. Got it for a Mother's Day present.

Anyway, here's the thing.

My lawyer's got me takin' these happy pills to control my anger.

But since you just used my baby boy's head as a backboard...

for your little trash can basketball game,

I'm gonna stop taking 'em and come back in three days when the happy wears off.

[ Gasps ] Look at that! A real tree.

[ Laughing ]

[ Sniffs ] Mmm! I love the smell of it.

- [ Sniffs ] Love it! - [ Nervous Chuckle ]

Anyhoo, when these pills wear off, I don't know exactly what's gonna happen,

but I imagine it'll involve this beer can breakin' out your teeth,

your wife screamin' at me to stop kickin' you,

and your children cryin' after they see what I've done to your face.

Heck, I might even rip off one of your ears and make it into a little coin purse.

Okay, then, so I'll be back in three days...

to give you that Christmas ass-kickin' I promised,

unless you decide that now would be a good time to move this trailer.

- It's a good time to move our trailer. - Oh, that is fantastic news.

And I'm sorry, but that little Santa over there shakin' his tushy is absolutely adorable.

Uh, take him.

Really?

[ Chorus ] * Santa Claus *

[ Giggling ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Even though this was just a green card wedding,

Catalina's village still followed all the town's traditions.

You see, this symbolizes how beautiful and admired a bride should be.

- [ Yelps ] - [ Crowd Cheering ]

- And that's to remind her not to get too full of herself. - Seems weird.

Oh, yeah? And throwing rice at people makes a lot of sense, huh?

Wait till you see what you have to do.

In our little village, before a man is allowed to marry a woman,

he has to pass three simple tests.

The first is to cross this beam without falling. Sure, that makes sense.

Uh, excuse me a second. I need to borrow my brother's shoes.

They have better traction for crossin' beams.

What are you doin'? Just switch shoes with me and listen.

Randy, this is your chance to be a hero.

All I have to do is fail the test, then you can save the day.

That's a great idea, Earl.

And then after this, let's never travel again.

All righty, now that you got the proper footwear,

I can tell you that this plank represents the straight and narrow path...

that you, as a husband, must follow.

- Okay, bring on the leeches! - The what?

Leeches. They represent-- I don't know-- hookers and stuff.

Just don't fall in. Hit it.

** [ "Eye of the Tiger" ]

[ Mouthing Word ]

[ Earl ] I really wanted to stay up on that plank and away from those leeches a whole lot,

but not as much as I wanted Randy to be happy.

Damn it.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoopsie-daisy!

[ Screaming ]

Things are sucking my face! Things are sucking my face!

That's okay. I can, uh-- [ Diego ] No. Wait, wait, Earl.

You know what? The old me would've said one and done, right?

But karma says two out of three! To the hot coals!

Yeah! [ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ] To give Randy his shot, I planned on steppin' on the hot coals,

and then steppin' right back off.

What I didn't plan on was how hard it is to change direction on hot coals.

[ Crowd Groans ]

It burned like hell, but at least Randy was gonna be able to step in and be the hero.

I'm sorry, Catalina. I guess I'm just not--

Earl, this is your lucky day.

- One out of three? - To the field of rakes!

[ Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Diego said somethin' about the field of rakes...

representin' the careful dance of talkin' about your wife's weight.

But for me, it represented the last chance to help Randy.

[ Grunts ] [ Crowd Groans ]

Okay, that's it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Catalina.

I gave him several chances, and he just keeps proving himself not worthy.

But how am I supposed to get back to America?

Catalina?

Can I try and marry you? You would do that?

To the pit of leeches!

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ] I was a little worried about Randy walkin' on that thin plank,

'cause I had seen him fall off sidewalks before.

But if it meant rescuin' Catalina, he could've danced on the head of a pin.

[ Crowd Exclaiming ]

- [ Cheering ] - Wow.

Yeah. * It's the cream of the fight rising up *

* To the challenge of our rival And the last known survivor *

[ Earl Narrating ] And watchin' Randy cross those hot coals,

I realized he probably wouldn't have failed gym class...

if Catalina had gone to our high school. [ Cheering ]

* The eye of the tiger **

Everything was goin' great for Randy.

[ Crowd Shouting ]

And even when it didn't go great, nothin' stopped him.

Yeah!

I did it! I did it!

[ Crowd Groans ]

[ Earl Narrating ] And in return for his sacrifice,

Randy got to marry the woman he loved.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

[ Cheering ]

You're a good friend.

[ Earl Narrating ] He thought about tellin' his new wife that he loved her,

but he didn't want to risk ruinin' his wedding day.

** [ Man Singing "That's Life" In Spanish ]

Thanks for lettin' me be the hero.

You've been the hero all along, Randy.

I was just gettin' in your way.

- [ Yelps ] - [ Crowd Cheering ]

That's so she doesn't get too full of herself.

Oh.

[ Earl Narrating ] Yep, it was a successful trip.

I was feelin' happy, and not just 'cause of my airplane pills.

I was happy 'cause I helped bring Catalina back home...

and I helped get Randy closer to the woman he loved.

** [ Continues ]

And I taught a bad guy about bein' good.

What happened? Who took your pants?

Oh, man, that's my thing.

It was the same bandidos who chopped off Mario's fingers.

- This time, they cut out his tongue. - Cut out your tongue?

[ Garbled ] I don't want to talk about it.

How dare they do this to my nephew in my village?

They said because they heard you were nice now, they could do as they please.

Did they? Okay, well, forget karma.

New rule: Do bad things, and Diego happens!

Wolverines! [ Gunshots ]

[ Singer Laughing ]