Original subtitles

- In the small town of Independence, Missouri,

on a cool August morning full of bird song and cholera,

sat the lonely Widow, Aveline Jenkins.

She wasn't a widow by choice, mind you,

because that would've been murder.

No, Aveline Jenkins was cursed.

Every boy Aveline ever loved met with tragedy.

Little Jonesy who found a sinkhole,

Glen, the ranch hand, who befriended a snake,

Simone Boulevard, who forgot to tip,

culminating in the death of her husband, Henry.

But enough about that, this is a comedy after all.

- On to the next one.

- To escape yellow fever, typhoid,

but mostly just the humidity,

Aveline sent her children off with her parents

out west to Oregon.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder,

and nobody knew that better than Aveline.

She, of course, had to stay behind

because her spinster sister Cora,

had developed an on and off again relationship

with dysentery.

- She's real sick.

- She maintained her cheery demeanor

in between tending to.

Cora's gravity-defying laundry fiascos.

- Sorry.

- But summer was almost over,

and Aveline knew that gross and deadly bowel disease

or no gross and deadly bowel disease,

Cora, and she must leave soon

to reach her family before winter.

- Aveline, I somehow soiled the ceiling.

I don't know how.

It's up there in the northeast corner,

and it's in the southeast corner,

and I did get it up the chimney.

- Meanwhile, Elijah Goodman disembarked

from the train in Independence, Missouri

to collect his wagon and eight oxen

to set out on his journey to the West.

He wasn't particularly weak looking,

but I wouldn't blame anyone who said he was.

- Ho there traveling boy.

- Hello, sir.

- You traveling somewhere, traveling boy?

- Going west to teach at the Oregon Institute.

In the Willamette Valley.

- An educated traveling boy.

- Name's Elijah, sir.

- Elijah, you read the Bible?

- Yes, sir.

- You named after the Bible or the criminal?

- I suppose the Bible.

- Prophet?

- I believe so.

- Don't you lie to me, boy.

- No, I wouldn't.

- See this rope?

- I, I think I do.

- This represents you.

Without God. - Without God?

- Life pulls on your heart, and you go.

You know these traveling boys,

you know why they have to travel?

- I'm not sure I do.

- They got no foundation.

They realize who they are, and that's nothing.

- Nothing. Okay.

- It takes a strong man to stay put.

Gonna need a wagon. Think about that?

Traveling boy?

- Yes, I'm heading to the stockyard now

to collect my wagon and team.

- Joe Delmar's stockyard?

- That's the one.

- Hoo hoo hoo.

Joe Delmar, he's a slick one.

He gonna get the better of any deal.

You be careful there, traveling boy.

- Pleasure to meet you, sir.

- These traveling boys, always traveling.

Always traveling.

- Yes, Elijah was a traveling boy,

living in a world of stay put men.

- Samson?

- Huh?

- I'm sorry I mistook you for someone in the Bible.

- Name's Elijah, Sir.

I just need to collect my wagon.

- And I just need to pay respect

to those Clydesdale thighs of yours.

- I don't have time for small talk.

Could you please just get the oxen?

- Why? You're as strong as an ox.

Stronger, I'd say.

- And you can stop with the false flattery.

- Oh, it ain't false.

You got more calves than a cattle drive.

- That's enough. Sir, I believe you're trying to rip me off.

- Well, I'm not trying to rip you off.

You're plenty ripped as it is.

Check this out.

- Oh,

what is this?

- Let me answer your question with a question.

Have you ever seen a depressed ox before?

- I don't think so.

- You see, the greatest joy an animal or man

can experience in this life is to pull a wagon.

- What do you call it?

- A handcar.

Do you know why we call it that?

- You move it with your hands?

- The only thing buffer than your brawn is your brain.

You wanna give it a little test drive?

- Why not? Yeah.

- Go on, get.

- Look at this.

- Those are the nicest set of pushing hands I've ever seen.

- I do admit I like to feel of the handle,

and it's so light.

I can't believe it's so light.

- Yeah, it's a shame you can't experience that joy

for 3000 miles, unless,

no, I couldn't do that.

- What?

- We were to do an exchange.

- You want me to trade a covered wagon and eight oxen

for a handcart?

- Have you ever fed eight oxen before?

- No.

- Have you ever smelled eight oxen before?

- No.

- Then I'm saving you a misery son.

This'll be the greatest trade you ever made.

Plus, it'll reduce your carbon footprint.

- I didn't even consider that.

- Few do.

Few do.

Now this thing is yours.

Free and clear.

- For free?

- You are as shrewd as you are strong, Elijah.

- Oregon Trail, here I come.

- Bye, Elijah.

- What was that? - Nothing.

- Appreciate it. - Bye.

- We'll see ya.

- Meanwhile, Aveline walked through town.

- It's the cursed widow Jenkins.

- Oh, it's too bad she's cursed.

I was wondering where she got that bonnet.

- Please don't fall in love with me.

- It's so nice. - It is nice.

Oh.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Excuse me, ma'am.

- No, it was my fault.

I'm so distracted thinking about my late husband,

distant children, and depressing existence.

- If I had a nickel.

- He probably didn't.

Even then teachers weren't paid much.

- Very sorry to hear about your late husband though.

- Oh, that was years ago.

I much prefer just mothering my children anyway.

Only bother is I only had two and I always wanted,

- 12. - 12.

- 11 is too few and.

- And 13 is,

- The devil's number. - The devil's number.

- Oh, the post has arrived.

- I'm Elijah Goodman, by the way.

- Aveline Jenkins.

Oh good, I got a letter from my daughter, Sarah.

I should pay for this pork.

8 cents for salted pork!

Prices have sure gotten steep under new management.

- Oh my God. - Oh my goodness.

- I thought that was floating candles.

- Sorry to have frightened you.

- Just startled us is all.

- We thought you were floating candles.

- I am quite stealthy.

Stealthy as diptheria, that's my motto.

- That's a pretty offensive motto.

- Couldn't help overhearing the complaint about our prices.

- Oh, I'm just used to paying less

when Mr. Taylor ran the store.

- Ah yes. My husband was quite soft till he died.

Rigor mortis finally made him tough as nails.

- Wow.

- I don't think we've been introduced, I'm Aveline.

- Robert Gladstone.

- Nice to meet you, Roberta.

- You misheard me, or were poorly attempting to be polite.

My name is Robert.

My father was ashamed I was a girl, understandably,

and gave me the most masculine name he could think of.

While the name did make school days difficult,

the endless taunting of children made me strong.

Not strong enough to be admitted

into the sheriff's department,

or the militia, or my father's heart.

Still, it is why the government left me this store,

seeing as they thought I was a strong, superior male.

- Life just isn't fair, is it?

- Of course life's not fair.

Why do you think it has the word lie in it?

Now you think on that a while.

- I will, ma'am.

- You call me by my Christian name.

- Robert.

- Robert Failure Gladstone.

- Oh no.

- What is it?

- My eczema?

- My daughter, she's getting married.

- Oh, that's great.

- She's 15.

- Historically, still great.

- It says she's fallen in love with a dreamy old outlaw,

who gave her a tattoo in the back of his wagon,

and killed her friend for staring too long at his hump.

- Is it a big hump or I'm sorry,

I don't know how to make this better.

- I have to go west, now.

- Last coach to go west.

That applies to anyone within earshot.

- Here, this should cover it.

Take care, Robert.

- I don't ask for care, I take oh,

oh, that is what you said, okay.

- Everything all right, boss?

- Half a cent short.

We've been conned, Willy.

- You want me to go fetch it back?

- No, no.

She'll use her delicate language

and elusive feminine ways to confuse you.

We need to corner her like a rat in a meat grinder.

- A what in a what?

- Excuse me sir.

I need to go west immediately.

- Put the closed sign up, Willy.

We're going west.

- All right.

That's your name tag.

- I get 'em mixed up all the time.

- One says closed.

- And the other says, open.

- Willy. - Willy.

- Aveline was on her way out west

with the famed Evander Lillian Quist Handcart Company.

Accompanying her were Hank, Mountain Man of the Plains,

Terrence, a fine purveyor of animal husbandry.

The doctor, who invented malpractice,

Charlotte, who looked like Mother Goose,

and her son Joseph,

who had come down with a bad case of the polio,

and Julian.

Well, he was just kind of there.

And many others who were less interesting,

all led by their fearless leader, The Captain.

- You stay away from me, widow Jenkins.

We don't want your curse getting all over this company.

That's the last thing we need.

- Don't you worry Hank, widow Jenkins ain't cursed.

- Cursed?

- Thank you, Terrence.

- Unless, if she falls in love with you,

then you're as dead as a dead doornail.

- Doornails aren't alive.

- What, you fall in love with them too?

Don't you go falling for me.

These whiskers are a proven thirst trap.

- Salutations travelers.

Look at this ragtag group of ragamuffins

dressed in your best rags.

- Why are you saying rags so much?

- I am Captain a Evander Lillian Quist,

leader of this fine migratory company.

Oh, but I'm much more than just brains

and the heir to an ivory trading empire.

For you see,

I have personally accompanied Davy Crockett himself

on some of his fiercest expeditions.

I have no doubt that we shall reach Oregon Territory

before the first frost slaughterers us all.

I say Angus, this is an expedition, not a foot race.

- That's right.

It's not a race.

It's life, brother.

- Why does he have band-aids on his nipples?

- He's a runner.

Who knows why any of those sickos do what they do?

- That's why we do it.

- Everybody, to your wagons.

All right Florence, my noble steed.

Let us ride like the wind.

Yes, though a little high.

All right.

Yes, oh, I'm falling, I'm falling.

I've fallen.

Yes. Please be just the mustard to cut.

Yes. Thank you, sir.

Tally ho.

- Cora?

Cora?

Cora, what are you doing here lying in the bush?

- I tripped.

- While holding flowers?

- I fell on them when I tripped.

- Sure.

- You should just go without me,

and I'll catch up,

or not.

- Cora, they are heading out. Get up.

- Do you know what six months of dysentery does to a person?

- Makes your cheekbones more defined?

- You're just trying to make me feel better.

- You know what'll make you feel better is a nice walk.

Come on, let's go.

- I can't walk. I got fever blisters on my feet.

- Oh, what in tarnation?

- It's fate now, just let it take me.

- Golfers, slamming it with us poor folks just for kicks.

- Are you talking to me, Hank?

- I was talking to the general company.

Quit loving on me, you viper.

- Come on.

- Honey, don't wait on me,

and don't lay it on thick.

- And so they were headed west,

unaware of the murderous mountains,

deadly deserts and Nebraska that lay ahead.

- Nebraska.

- Unaware of the wicked woman

that followed close behind, but not too close.

Our heroes did get ahead start after all.

- I'll not be swindled

by the smoothest snake in all Missouri.

- A milk snake.

- I often speak in metaphors, Willy.

A result of the many books I socialized with

in the place of cruel, unimaginative children.

Try to keep up.

- Well, this ain't your first rodeo, I see.

- Rodeos are for clowns.

- But what if you were the bull?

- I prefer to be a bear, superior fightin' skills.

- Bear's numbers are dwindling due to deforestation.

- I'd be a polar bear.

No forest.

- No fooling you, I see.

- My father, after shutting himself in his room

for six years to mourn

the discontinuation of his male line,

instructed me in all the male arts of fighting, negotiating,

and expecting others to adjust to my comfort level.

Now why would I possibly want one of these

in the place of two reliable horses?

- Well, because this is for the husky huskies,

who have learned that they can only depend on themselves.

- I'm a husky husky.

- Dragging one of these across the country

would make any father proud.

- And with that,

Robert was on her way to get her half cent from Aveline,

who had stopped to rest

amid the hardships and boredom that is-

- Nebraska.

- There you go, nice and comfy.

- It looks like rain.

- Just behind the company were two jolly chaps,

Sirs Clarence and Chesterton.

- Oh, there it is.

Well, I must admit Clarence,

I was skeptical when you first proposed a wild west holiday.

- Yes, I do recall Chesterton, I do recall.

- But this really has been quite the adventure.

- Quite the if you will.

- Looking tough, a couple of rough and tough cowboys.

- Yes, this is very fun, very fun.

- Well, let's do this, shall we?

- Yes we shall.

- Here we are.

One, two.

Fore!

Oh, landed in the river.

- Dog gone it.

- Well, let's not waste time.

I'll just set another.

- Uh uh ah.

Where it lies, Chesterton, where it lies.

- You're right. - Yes.

- You're right, onward.

- September rolled around

and the seasons were a-changing.

And every leaf in the wind reminded Aveline

she had to keep moving if she wanted to stop her daughter

from becoming an outlaw's wife,

which is like being a mob boss's wife,

but with a lot more tobacco juice.

- That song just gets me.

You seem happy.

- Aveline, in case you've forgotten,

I am quite a pleasant person when you take away

the fever and the boils

and the hemorrhaging bowels and the scales.

- When did you get scales?

- They're new, I got bit by an armadillo last week.

- Hi. - Oh, hello again.

- I didn't realize we'd be in the same company.

- I just couldn't wait to see the Pacific Northwest.

Sorry, my heart palpation.

- Ah. Hello, ma'am.

You must be Aveline's much younger sister.

- You are correct, sir.

- Oh, I didn't.

You're actually.

Your mother's in Oregon already.

- I'm Cora.

- Elijah.

- Mind the scales?

- Wow.

Interesting texture.

- A whole hand cart all to yourself, huh?

You must get lonely out there on the trail.

- It's for all my books.

I'm a professor, you see?

Set to teach at the Oregon Institute.

- Oh.

I'm not much of a reader myself.

- I think anybody's a reader with the right book.

- No, I'm illiterate and partially blind.

And I lost all sensitivity on my fingertips,

so braille is no good either.

- It's true.

She was gripping that chamber pot too hard.

- Ah yes, that disproves my point then.

- But you could try to teach me.

- Okay.

- You could be my miracle worker.

- I'll think about it.

- So is your wife in Oregon?

- Alas, I have no wife, no children.

- I don't want no children neither.

- That's not what I said.

- Cora, I haven't seen you this excitable

since before your condition.

- Well, nothing much exciting was happening, till now.

- Oh help.

- Oh, hold on, we're coming.

- Oh, don't leave me.

- Okay, I'm coming.

- Just stay in the cart.

- No, I got this.

- Someone needed help,

but could a traveling boy as weak as Elijah provide it?

- Help, I've been immobilized.

- Are you hurt?

- Dangerously so, and not solely my pride.

Look.

- Your shoe is scuffed?

- It is.

And here I thought I only suffered the horrendous pain

of stubbing my toe.

- That's why you called us over here?

- Exactly.

You understand.

And if matters weren't terrible enough,

I barely landed safely on my security blanket.

- What's wrong with his mouth?

- I know what you're thinking

because I heard you say it out loud.

I recently had a bit of a kerfuffle

with the burley gut alphabet soup.

Ironically, it was the hour that burned me.

- The hour?

- Exactly.

Now please do me a kindness and carry me.

- To where?

- California, you understand.

- No, that's like a million miles away.

- What about you?

You're clearly already with child.

If you can carry one person, what's one more?

- You are an adult and I'm not pregnant.

- Oh.

I just thought, you understand.

- I don't.

- Okay, maybe we could help you find your travel companions?

I assume you're not surviving out here on your own.

- You assume right. I never leave home without Mr. Squishy.

- I guess we'll get going then.

- Wait, take me with you.

I need to prove to my parents that I can do hard things.

- Can you though?

- Aveline.

- What? We were all thinking it.

- It's true.

I can't do hard things.

Just leave me here to parish.

- Okay.

- Okay. Bye.

- I'm sorry, maybe it's better that you don't go west.

You understand.

- I do.

I do understand.

- We all understand.

- I believe oxen are much more depressed than I realized.

- They are pretty sad.

Oh, Cora.

- Ugh.

Yes, sister dear.

- Would you mind fetching me some water

from the river down yonder?

- Manual labor, since when,

have you ever needed to ask?

Be back soon.

I don't know what you've done for Cora,

but whatever it is, keep it up.

- For Cora? I don't think I've done anything.

- She hasn't walked more than 10 feet on her own

for over a year.

It is a sight to behold.

- Yes it is.

- Actually Elijah, could you do me a favor?

- Why, of course.

- Do you mind spending more time with Cora?

I do believe she gets strength from your presence.

- Far be it for me to presume, but I don't.

- Please, Elijah.

It's been so long since she had something to live for.

- It'd be my pleasure Miss Aveline.

- Thank you.

- Hold on, Miss Cora.

- And so Elijah,

feeling the kind of Christian duty one feels

when caring for the elderly or a leprous ferret,

walked with Cora along the river as the sun went down.

- Mighty fun evening.

- Doesn't the sunset look lovely?

- Elijah,

did you just bring me out here for the romantic sunset?

- Oh, I didn't mean to imply.

Have you ever skipped rocks, Miss Cora?

- I don't think I have since I was a child.

- Here, I'll help you remember.

That was a bad rock.

- Oh, let me try.

- Oh, you'll want a smoother rock than that.

Wow, I didn't know you had it in you.

If you wanna be consistent though.

Should I, this.

Yeah.

- Oh, hey!

What'd you do that for?

- Sorry.

- You know what?

I don't care for you much.

- That was weirdly hurtful.

- I was about to get eaten by a shark,

but then you threw a rock at and killed it.

Thank you.

- Why, you're welcome.

Imagine that, shark's in a river.

- Yeah, the Missouri's known to have bull sharks in it.

- Bulls aren't sharks, Elijah, you're confused.

- Okay. - Ah!

What on earth are you doing?

That's a piece of my dead meemaw's femur.

- Oh, I didn't know.

- What kind of a sick person are you?

- You should really try to bury her remains deeper.

- I lost this hand to frostbite.

You wanna dig a grave with one hand?

- I'm sorry.

- It's just a femur.

- Hey, did you kill my shark?

- No.

- Swim in peace my sweet baby, swim in peace.

- And swim in peace it did,

while Aveline's stalwart foe entered Nebraska

crossing paths with, ugh, not this guy again.

- My dear, you look absolutely exhausted.

Might I offer you a pillow?

Not this one of course, you understand.

- I made a vow.

I would not rest till I found those thievin' sirens

who stole my half cent.

- A cent, cut in half?

Sounds sharp.

- I know it seems harsh,

but I am a person of utmost integrity.

One of the reasons I never pay myself, a woman,

more wages than my shop boy Willy here.

As my father once told me

during the only conversation we had

when he mistook me for the train conductor,

if women were meant to make more money,

they'd have bigger hands.

- Well, your hands are pretty big.

You know from far away,

I thought you were either Paul Bunion,

or a scary moose on its hind legs.

You understand.

- Why are you in an exposed area by yourself?

- Well I had planned on going west,

but two ladies said mean things to me.

So now I live here, and spend my days coloring.

- Women belittled you?

- Said I didn't have what it takes to go west.

You understand.

- I most certainly do not.

- You

don't understand?

- I see before me a man.

And that is the only qualification needed

for success in any endeavor.

Good luck, weak-handed man.

We'll see you in the west.

- Let's go, Buster.

Whoa.

Too many bumps.

- So began October,

and with it, the weather worsened.

- So much for beating the first frost.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

- Mm, doubtful.

- Tea time.

- Day turned to night and night turned to day,

and Nebraska stayed Nebraska,

dumping a bunch of Nebraskan snow on our weary travelers.

- How'd you sleep?

- Amazing. I died twice, but came back three.

- That's a personal record.

- Who is the luckiest girl in the world?

It's me.

- How was your stroll with Elijah?

- You know I don't stroll until.

- Are you blushing?

- No.

- Sorry, it's hard to tell. You're usually so pale.

- It's a rash.

- You seem different.

- I don't know, I feel alive again.

I'm filled with vigor and bile, but mostly vigor.

And I.

- What in blazes?

- Where did he get such a garish hat?

- Oh, the shoes, very impractical heel.

- I think he wants you to ask

where he got his shoes and hat.

- I will not.

- Oh, oh dear.

Notice anything different, Jenkinses?

- Don't think so.

- I finally look the part of a true frontiersman, yes?

Huh?

Oh, that felt less than optimal.

Oh.

Not a fan of red, hmm.

Now the devil did say that some would be intimidated

by my striking appearance.

- The who?

- The devil.

I sold my soul to him you see, for these dashing duds.

- No, you didn't.

You wouldn't have done that.

- I did, I did do that.

- For those clothes?

- It was either these or some practical hiking boots,

but I thought style over function, you know?

- Your soul Captain? What does this even mean?

- I think it just means that when I die,

I go straight to Hades, no matter what I do.

Quite the adventure, eh?

- That's terrible.

- Not if I don't die for a considerably long time.

- We are on the Oregon Trail.

It's not exactly known for its high survival rate.

- No, poppycock, that's just hearsay.

Say what you will about the devil,

he does make good leather.

Shall we be off then?

Westwood ho, my comrades.

Oh.

- These have very little arch support.

- I do not know about this, Chesterton.

Let's try the three iron.

Yes.

- There it lies.

- Fore!

- Oh, it landed in the sand trap.

- Where it lies, Chesterton.

- These rascals.

- Get off.

- Aveline plodded onward

trekking through the snow and thinking to herself, oh boy.

Then she said it out loud.

- Oh boy.

I'm worried about our company.

With this man is our guide,

who knows what kind of traps or perils we might wander into.

- What have you got against the Captain?

I think he's a brilliant guide.

- Yeah, just look at his head.

- I think you're just mad 'cause he's more popular than you.

- Popular? What is this, the seventh grade?

- You know I never finished the seventh grade.

None of us have.

- It's okay, Hank.

She didn't mean nothing by it. You're doing just fine.

- What's going on, Terrence.

- Widow Jenkins over here is trying

to take control of our company.

- And kill the Captain.

- Oh my goodness, that is not true.

- Yes it is. - Yes it is.

- Why would I wanna kill the Captain?

- Why would you not want to kill the Captain?

- It sounds like you want-

- Jolly good news, I say.

We have a township up ahead,

a place where we can gather supplies

and maybe rest our feet,

which I think might be bleeding.

And the weather should clear up by then, too.

So, it's looking up for this company.

Ah snow, nature's cold water.

Follow me everyone.

Hi ho, come along Florence.

Up we get.

- Well, I'm gonna stock up on as many supplies as I can.

Who knows the next time

we'll find a trading post at this rate?

- Then I'll do the opposite and go to the saloon.

- Me too.

I'm in desperate need of my medicine,

but this option sounds less cursey.

- Fine, suit yourself.

I'm not getting your medicine for you, Joe.

You can't be mean to me

and then expect me to get your medicine.

- You're mean to everyone and expect them

to get your medicine.

- I'm a nice person.

- Nice is a strong word, Aveline.

The company had finally made it to Wyoming.

Wyoming? How many worse states are there like this?

- Yep, this feels much better

than grabbing food and medicine.

- Amen.

- Get 'em up y'all.

I'm Johnny River, and this here's the Johnny River Gang.

- Otherwise known as the Thievin' Three.

- Otherwise known as the Stealing Startup.

- We're still working on the name.

- I thought we settled on the Johnny River Gang.

It's my name.

- Don't be offended.

It's not your fault your name's so dumb.

- It was my father's name, and my grandmother's.

- Her grandmother was named Johnny River?

- She was the Mulan of the West.

- Why don't we brainstorm some other ideas?

- Well, we wouldn't have this conversation

if you just went with my first idea, Johnny and Sombreros.

- We don't wear sombreros.

- We should wear sombreros.

- That's appropriation.

Did we learn nothing from the kimono incident?

- Okay, what if we just combine the letters

in all of our first names?

- Lil Joka Tilly group.

- It's still missing like 20 letters.

- What if we just do Madam Molly

and her two semi attractive friends?

- You probably shouldn't put friends in the name.

- I agree. It's too inviting.

Y'all ain't friends. You're outlaws.

- Now what you need is a whole rebranding.

- My favorite is still the Johnny River.

Buckeye Billy Madam Molly and their sassy new friend

who just wants to feel more alive.

- I think we're getting off the rails here.

- I say we go back to simple, The Bandits.

- Ain't that the name of a ventriloquist barbershop quartet?

- Yeah, they're good.

And you don't wanna dash someone's hopes when they see you

instead of a quartet of puppets.

- They should have their hopes dashed.

We're outlaws.

- Puppets scare me.

- How about the Johnny River Gang and Associates?

- Cut the associates.

- I think we got it.

- All right!

- Oh, sorry.

My finger slipped on the trigger.

- Okay, y'all well, Hank,

I didn't realize you'd be joining us?

- I will not be joining you, Aveline.

I'm here for pork rinds, not your Coquettish talk.

- Oh, no I didn't.

- There's no use, Aveline.

We would never work.

You'd have better luck beguiling this softie.

- Thank you?

- Well, regardless of why you're here, Hank,

we're all in need of supplies.

So we'll have to make some savvy trades.

- This is Kit Carson's store?

I've heard he's mighty intimidating.

- I heard Kit Carson was once bit by a grizzly,

and after two weeks of excruciating pain,

the grizzly finally died.

- I heard that ghosts tell Kit Carson stories

around their campfires.

- There are no plains named for Kit Carson,

because no one would dare cross Kit Carson.

- This isn't helping.

We must stay united no matter how shrewd or daunting

negotiations may be.

- Oh, sorry.

How much did that flower cost you?

- Five cups of sugar.

- It's a little steep, but honestly not as bad as I thought.

- Two oxen, the deed to my land,

the jewelry of my deceased mother, and my firstborn son.

- It's okay Pa, you did what you had to do.

No hard feelings.

- It caught on the nail.

All my flour.

No, no.

Oh, it's starting to rain.

Oh no.

The birds, no, back your ringing devils.

Back I tell you.

Please have mercy.

- Is she praying to birds?

- Stay united.

- Don't grab my hand.

- I'm not.

- Oh, this is my hands.

I have soft hands.

- Greetings, y'all.

- Mr. Carson?

- Please, call me Kitty.

- You see here, Kit.

- Kitty.

- Kitty, pardon.

We were hoping to trade for some supplies.

- My voice wasn't always this way, you know?

- Pardon?

I was kicked by a buffalo.

- That explains a lot.

- Do you know where I was kicked by the buffalo?

- I have a good suspicion.

- My throat.

- I was wrong.

- If you'll excuse us a moment, Kitty.

- No, it's fine. I'll go back to counting my beans.

One bean, two beans, three beans,

four beans, five beans.

- He knows we don't have any beans

and he's just rubbing it in our faces.

- Nine beans.

- Let's make this trade, y'all.

He's been weakened. Let's do this.

- Okay.

- You threw off my count.

- Pardon?

Let's talk flour.

I couldn't help but notice some weevils, right guys?

- And that should tell you

just how desperate we are for flour.

Also pork rinds.

- Please, Mr. Kitty, we'll do anything.

- Anything?

Then I want you to murder the buffalo who did this to me.

- Really? - Yes.

He roams the pass on the edge of the Oregon territory.

Mocking me with his buffalo mooing.

He took away my voice,

so I want you to end him.

- Kitty, we don't even have a gun.

- Good, death by bullet is too quick,

he must suffer as I have suffered.

It will not be easy.

He has murdered thousands of travelers

who have dared crossed him on the beast pass.

Oh, spooky.

- Okay, how badly do we want these supplies?

- It's not a want, Elijah.

I'm addicted to poor rinds.

- Addicted?

- Yeah, it's actually a huge problem.

I've lost everything.

- Learn his weaknesses,

study his chips and then do to him

as he did to me.

- Kick him in the throat?

- No, but I love that idea.

- That's impossible.

- Do it.

Pledge your lives to making him the first soprano buffalo,

and I will fully stock your supplies.

- Is that bacon?

- Oh, it's bacon, baby.

- How many bacon do you have?

- One bacon, two bacon,

three bacon.

- We just told him we'd kill a buffalo

that's like a thousand miles away.

But we don't actually have to do that, do we?

- It's not the first time I've lied for pork rinds.

Won't be the last either.

What?

- He did mention murdering us and our families

if we didn't keep our promise.

- Well, good thing I got no family to murder

on account of my pork rind addiction.

- Okay, you have to stop.

- I will not tolerate your desire for physical touch.

- So with their bellies full of bacon

and they're souls full of deceit,

the company forged ahead, while Robert forged ahead, also,

in addition to, as well, Robert as well, forged.

She was forging. - Afternoon.

- Yes it is.

- What are you running for?

- Vengeance.

- Ah, never heard of that charity.

- Don't call me charity.

- Oh, I I didn't.

- Charity is a name fathers give to daughters

they think will be weak.

- It's just. - And beautiful,

skilled at making decorative piecrust.

- Word.

You want some tape? It'll ward off those blisters.

- Much appreciated.

- That's why we do it.

Farewell Charity.

- I hope he chokes on a goop.

Oh, oh, he is, he is choking.

Oh no, he's okay.

- Just a really big snap rocket.

- November rolled along

and the company reached a mighty river.

- Ooh.

Such a swift and frigid current.

Could be quite lethal,

especially for our compromised party.

How electrifying, eh?

Does anyone know how to tell

if your boots have been water treated?

Get back to me.

- Elijah, I wonder if you might help me?

- You need help crossing the river?

- No, I should be able to manage fine,

but can you help Cora.

- Of course Aveline, I've got her.

You know, I could also assist you if you need it.

I know you've been with the hand cart, the whole.

- Do you need my help?

Her bones are sharp, but also surprisingly dense.

- No, no, I've got her.

I got her.

Wanted it to be you.

- Oh.

It's like I'm your bride, but more perilous.

And my lack of eating isn't to fit into a wedding dress.

- Why would you not eat to fit into a dress?

- I don't make the rules, Elijah.

Oh,

thank you, thank you.

- Yeah, of course.

- We did it. - We did.

Thank you.

All right, should we get going?

- Excuse me?

- Yeah, let me, let me help you, Charlotte.

Okay.

- Such a nice young man.

You know, you remind me of my late husband.

He sweated a lot less.

Don't forget my son, Joseph.

- Faster.

- Wait, no, we don't have to.

We don't have to go faster.

- I don't want to be here.

- What are you doing?

- Grandma! - Stop!

Stop the cross.

- No!

Thanks, I guess.

- Please Elijah, we could also use your help.

- When did you join our company?

- Please carry me.

I have a fear of small streams.

- You ever seen a bird?

- I still don't care for you much.

- I'm sorry.

You're on your own.

- Here lies the one poor chap

that Elijah refused to carry across the river today.

- Don't know why you had to phrase it like that.

- In light of Elijah's callous act,

I think we could all use a pick me up.

Terrence, would you do the honors?

- Captain, I'd love to.

Seriously, you can do anything.

What about you little lady?

What do you wanna do?

- I wanna finish this journey.

- Oh, well, do you believe you can?

- I know I can. - Yeah!

That's a spirit.

What about you? What do you wanna do?

- Honestly, I'd love to vote.

- Oh.

That's...

That's a real good one.

It's a good one. It is the 1800s.

And I don't really think that's the theme of the song,

but I, I, let's just circle back to it.

Yeah, let's circle back.

What about you? What do you wanna do?

- I'd like the full mobility of my legs back.

- You know, polio Joe, I am so sorry.

I should've knew that was coming.

Never even should've asked you that question.

- Do you call me Polio Joe?

- Is your surname not Joe?

- I would like to have six arms myself.

- What?

I think that doesn't make any sense.

- I wanna see a man go over a waterfall,

disappear into the mist,

his distant screams evaporate into the air.

Crunch.

Did he die?

Yeah, definitely.

He had a strange relationship with his loved ones.

No one mourns.

Not even the children.

They danced on his grave. Sorry, swam.

Occasionally.

- I think we should just kind of wrap things up.

What do you say? - I would like to fly.

- I'd like to live forever.

- I wanna wash a spoon,

and not have the water go everywhere.

- Don't be ridiculous, Julian.

- Well I personally feel like not everyone

is doing their part to clean up around camp.

Why is everyone looking at me like that?

Are we not airing our grievances?

I just got here.

- No, we're just trying to have a fun, uplifting song.

- I would like to bathe in pork rinds.

- So when are we gonna get this stuff?

- It's just a song.

I don't, can't give you this.

- What?

Okay, I think that's enough fun for one night.

Thank you Terrence.

- I never saw,

- Sorry about this, everyone.

Very sorry. Let's get some rest, okay?

You proud of yourself Terrence?

- Terrence was not proud.

And as he cried himself to sleep,

he knew, as did they all, that tensions were rising.

- Morning Cora.

You look nice.

- Oh, thanks.

Should we get going?

- Cora, is that my dress?

- What? No.

- I own exactly three dresses and that's one of them.

- No, I probably just got the same one.

- I sewed it.

- You're mistaken.

- Cora, you got blood all over it.

You gotta get blood on everything?

- Don't be so dramatic.

A little consumption never hurt no dress.

- Take it off.

- Make me.

- You know, I could. - No.

- You're dumb.

- You're.

- Proving my point.

- You're just jealous my bones are shaped like this.

- What are you talking about?

- You have normal bones and mine are special.

I get to be special and weird and diseased and dying,

and you get to live, and you're jealous.

I live on the edge all the time.

I'm better than you.

- Morning you two.

The company's about to leave.

I like your dress, Miss Cora.

- Oh.

- You really like this dress?

- Yeah, it's nice.

Stop.

- Two feet? - Two feet.

Oh, I'm Cora.

I get everything handed to me

because my bowels are made of tissue paper,

blah, blah, blah.

- It is maddening, isn't it?

Having something taken from you.

- Oh hello,

Robin?

- Don't play female with me.

- Did you just use the word female

as a replacement for dumb?

- You are much more male than I realized.

- What do you want?

- Oh, I'm not playing that game.

If my father taught me anything,

it's that asking directly won't get you respect,

love, or momentary eye contact.

- Well, I don't want any trouble.

Do you want money?

- I want my half cent, you thievin' enchantress.

- Half cent?

- Exact change.

- Okay, let me see what I have.

- Telegram.

- Oh, Angus.

How did we catch up to you so fast?

- Oh, you haven't caught up to me woman.

I been up to Canada, down in Mexico and back.

- I admire your dedication, but you sure seem crazy.

- That's why I do it.

- So people will call you crazy?

- That's why I do it.

- Why are you bleeding so much?

- That's why I would do it.

- Do you have hemophilia?

- Woo! Morning, sir.

- Thank you.

- Woo.

- That boy's gonna die.

Oh, it's from my father.

- Your father respects you enough to pay postage

to communicate with you?

- You've had a sad life, haven't you?

- That's it.

- Haste. Haste.

You must answer him at once.

- If you'll excuse me.

- Of course, I won't move from this place.

- Mrs. Cora, Elijah's last name.

Just chill for one second.

Hey, I changed, you happy?

You okay?

- We need to get to Oregon, now.

- Hold on, the lid's not on the chipper pot yet.

- With a newfound haste,

the band of misfits set off quicker

than a chicken in a wolf house,

toward the state of evergreen trees,

a killer art scene, and no sales tax.

- My mama made that cake with our very last sugar and flour.

- Now Clarence, where it lies.

- I do know better.

- You think we'll make it, Elijah?

There's more weight in the Captain's hat than in his head.

- I have to believe he'll help us.

The man worked with Davy Crockett.

- You ever light your hand on fire?

- Okay.

- That's not.

- Must have tuckered herself out today.

Have a seat.

- Oh, thank you.

You sure take care of a lot of people, don't you, Aveline?

- Even if they don't want it.

It's fine.

Are you okay?

Cora?

- Kill the neighbors.

Oh.

Aveline, I was having the most wonderful dream.

- Are you okay?

Your snoring is, in a word, satanic.

- I was sleeping more soundly than a sweet chicken,

in a wolf's loving embrace.

- That's not the expression.

- Whoa, everything all right here.

Some of the party members

heard the wales of a half-eaten bison,

might be wolves about.

- We're fine, thanks Terrence.

- Okay, good good. No need to panic, then.

Y'all just stay put like a sinful chicken

in a wolf's clothing.

Let me handle the rest.

- You should really let other people help you out sometimes.

- No thanks.

It's just me, Cora, and my kids, and I'm fine with that.

I don't wanna bring down the curse

on any unsuspecting folks, right?

- Maybe we should prop her up more?

- Lord, let me out.

Let me out.

- Can't you keep her quiet?

I just fell asleep for the first time in 20 years.

- That can't be true, Charlotte.

- You calling me a liar?

- Yeah.

- I will slap you like a stone chicken

shaped like a wolf's behind.

- Ain't nobody ever heard of the expression before.

- Where I grew up, we always said,

- I'm tuckered out as a dolled up chicken

at a wolf's bar mitzvah.

- And that's not it either.

- You know, Miss Aveline,

I don't believe in curses.

- Lord, let me out.

Scatter.

- I swear on all the names of my male ancestors,

I am collecting that she devil's half cent.

Plus interest.

- Ah, morning on the trail.

Is there anything lovelier than the fresh air,

the morning dew?

- A rattler!

- Stay still, Cora.

- Not to fear,

these boots are made of the toughest

satanic leather souls can buy.

- Oh Cora.

- Not to worry, just stunned is all.

- Oh, thank goodness.

You okay?

- Oh, I thought I was gonna die.

I mean, more than usual.

- This journey has been more stressful than I imagined.

- Oh, I say,

this ordeal deserves some R and R, don't you think?

I know it's been difficult,

but I really feel as though the worst is-

- And so our travelers stopped for a show

at the Donner Family Circus.

- Why are they talking about their diets so much.

- I hope not.

- Ah no, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

Just kidding.

But what if we did it for real?

- Eric, can we not do this again?

- As a prank.

- Eric? - As a prank.

- Keep going with the song.

- I'll translate.

- Stop.

- I'm just so hungry right now.

- Did you eat your rations?

- Did you eat your rations?

Yes, I ate my rations, I'm so, oh.

- What happened?

- I built my tongue.

- Oh no.

- And you know what?

It's the best meal I've had in weeks.

- Eric, stop.

- Have you tasted anything like the blood

that's coming outta my tongue right now?

You probably should, it's pretty good.

- I heard it's a delicacy.

- You got anything to say?

- Yeah, bite him again.

- Goodnight everyone.

You'll get your refunds up front.

- We're gonna go to intermission.

Be sure to join us for our last two shows

before we head to California.

Thank you so much for coming.

Eric stop, this is supposed to last all month.

- When the lion's hungry the lion will eat.

And what is wrong with this apple?

- It's a potato. Eric.

- It was better in Florida.

It was much better, there were six people then.

- For the dwindling company,

the Rockies proved more treacherous than a chicken

wearing the fishnet stockings of a jaded wolf.

- Aveline, can I tell you a secret?

- What is it?

- When we get to Oregon, I'm gonna get married.

- What?

- Who asked you?

- Elijah, of course.

And he didn't so much ask me,

as say I needed someone special to take care of me.

- Did he now?

- Or did he say I needed a specialist?

Either way, wedding bells are ringing.

- Looks like we got ourselves

a couple of chickens and a wolf now.

- Ooh, most exciting.

- We meet again,

and this time I brought friends.

- We're actually a gang, not friends.

- It is really important that we get that right.

- You won't get away, you duplicitous Delilah.

- Want me to shoot 'em?

- Just the tires.

- What's a tire?

- Fire away.

- Cora, get down.

- You know I can't bend over, I'll explode.

- Yeah!

- Where's that coming from?

- Huh?

- Oh no, we've crossed into her territory.

- Who's.

- My grandma.

Johnny River, Senior.

- The Mulan of the West.

- Looks like we got a couple of chickens

in the pews of the wolf church.

- Let's go.

Take as much as you can carry.

- Oh my.

- Just leave it.

- Willy, go fetch that traveling boy.

- I think we lost 'em.

- Where's Elijah?

- Elijah's gone?

- Wherever could he be?

And do you think maybe he has my penny farthing?

- Elijah did not have the penny farthing.

It was the dead of December

and he was tied up somewhere in the Teto-oh,

I didn't realize we were gonna put it on the screen.

- Let's get right down to it, Elijah.

Robert wants that money.

And if you don't tell me where it is,

you are in for a world of pain.

- Since when did you become the heavy?

- It's the quiet ones you should mind.

Now, the half cent.

- Half cent, I don't know what you're talking about.

- You're a lot like my wild horses, Elijah.

Just need to be broken.

- Come now. All this unpleasantness can end.

Wow.

Did some air just secede from your union?

- Yes, it was me.

- Well it happens sometimes

when a person is ill.

- Mighty embarrassing. Couldn't control it.

- Just means the torture's working.

It means it's working.

Good job, you.

It's just, Rocky Mountain oysters, did you just do it again?

- I thought you were gonna brand me again.

- Yeah, well you were right.

What is wrong with you?

Pull yourself together.

- I'm sorry.

This is what happens when you abduct a man

who's been living on hard tack for three months.

- I wish I could see it so I could escape it.

- It's involuntary.

- Oh, well get ready,

'cause I'm pulling out the biggest iron yet,

and ah, it's in my mouth.

Oh, the devil is real and he lives in your digestive tract.

- Stop torturing me.

- Never, not until, did you just do it again?

How is there anything left in your body?

- That one was on purpose.

- You incontinent genius.

Stop it, please.

I'll do anything.

- You stop.

- I'm suffocating.

- I'm releasing.

- I did it.

- If you've come for the money,

see if you can stand the smell.

- Per my father's request, at the onset of puberty,

I spent my entire adolescence sleeping in the outhouse.

Smells don't scare me.

- She carries a coin purse in her flower tin.

- Thank you.

- Idaho. Don't worry, they won't be here long.

- Well, howdy do.

Gladiators.

- Hello sir.

Wait, have we met before?

- I'm sure I'd remember a pack of wild stallions like y'all.

- No, you're right.

- No, no, no, no, no, oh.

There it goes.

- You, you duped me into buying a hand cart,

and I only got one hand.

- And you look all the more rugged for it.

- What are you doing all the way out here?

- I had to leave Missouri

on account of some dissatisfied customers.

- Well, I'm afraid we'll have to be continuing our journey.

- Huh.

You wanna see something neat?

- We got started pretty late and so you know,

we gotta make up for some time.

- How neat?

- Neat enough to merit 20 strips of bacon.

- Well, I'm sorry.

I think we'll have to respectfully

decline. - 10 strips.

- Deal.

- Captain, we need that food.

- Correction, we want food.

We need entertainment.

I get the suspicion that this Idaho portion of the trail

is going to be very boring.

- That's real bacon.

Ladies and gentlemen,

hold onto your handsome hind quarters,

'cause I'm about to blow your bonnets off.

- What could be inside?

- That's somehow more disappointing than I was expecting.

- Is it too late to get back our bacon?

- No.

- Now you listen here.

I'm sorry, I forgot your name.

- Delmar.

- You listen here, Delmar,

you give us back that bacon,

or I will personally skin your hindquarters

and salt it myself.

- This is the original Idaho potato.

You mark my words, someday,

that's all this territory's gonna be known for.

- I can get behind that.

- A potato is a potato.

- Disagree to disagree.

You can boil it, mash it, stick it in your shoe.

- You can do that with any potato.

- Not if it's too big, or your shoes are too small.

- Yeah, he's right.

- How about for a half a bag of flour,

I'll show you something golden?

- Deal.

- Oh, yes.

- I've got a good feeling about this one.

- I thought you said it was something golden.

- Well, this is Yukon Gold.

It's worth more than any precious metal.

- I'm gonna go ahead and call oxen scat on that one.

- I knew this man was untrustworthy.

- Good day, sir.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, whoa.

I promise you that this next box does not contain a potato.

- Two pounds of salted pork.

- No, it's probably some sort of trick like a sweet potato.

- Did you peek?

- We are leaving.

Thank you for wasting our time

and precious resources, Delmar.

- What?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Stay, stay here with me.

We'll chop up this bacon, sprinkle it on those potatoes,

and have the best weekend of our lives.

We'll call it a potato bar.

We'll have cheese, chives,

pork rinds.

- Pork rinds? - Yeah.

- You're me, Delmar.

You take care of this bacon, you take care of them potatoes,

and as sure as John Wilkes Booth's career is gonna take off,

I will come back and we will do that potato bar.

- He really is quite the talent, isn't he?

- Such a superstar.

- Yeah.

- I don't agree with his politics.

- Oh, no one does.

Now you get off.

Go on, get.

- And so in the unforgiving West,

a land of mysterious spuds,

a mocking buffalo beast and cannibals,

the company pushed forward,

checking everywhere for signs of Elijah,

Oregon, or an abandoned pork rind.

- I feel terrible, Cora.

- Has it finally hit you?

I have been waiting to give you this

for just such an occasion.

Matching sets.

One of them's full.

- I'm just worried about going on without Elijah.

- Oh, Elijah.

I mean, maybe those outlaws left him in a ditch.

But why are you so sad?

I was the one who was gonna marry him, and I feel fine.

- Ooh, I'm stuck.

I'm quite stuck.

- I'm coming, Captain.

Let me help you.

- Careful, careful, don't get too close.

- It's no use.

- You'll need to take off your boots.

- According to the devil's contract,

if I take them off, I'll die.

- I think you're gonna die, anyway.

- He looks a lot shorter than he did a moment ago.

- Don't you quit on me, man.

- Quick, did something like this happen with Davy Crockett?

- I have no idea.

- Didn't you accompany him on his expeditions?

- Indeed, through the power of literature.

- Here, take my hat.

- Oh no, I couldn't.

- I want you to have it.

- It should sink with you.

- Just take the man's hat.

- Okay.

- Careful now.

- You're not gonna bother.

- Ooh, last words.

Let me think, I've given this a lot of thought,

but it's hard to think of something

spur of the moment, you know.

I think I'll just leave you all with pomp the moose.

- Pomp the moose?

- What are we gonna do now?

- We're nothing without our Captain.

- We'll never survive the beast now.

- I forgot all about the beast.

- We need to keep going.

- I'm not going anywhere without a guy in a fancy hat.

- I say we go back to the township

and hold out until spring.

- We can't go back, that'll take ages.

Cora can't survive two more tracks.

- Yeah, but Cora's kind of, eh, anyway.

- Point taken.

- Yeah?

And who's gonna lead us, you?

A cursed widow?

- I'm not cursed.

- Yeah, she just has a thing for weak men

who are about to die.

That's normal.

- Okay.

- I saw her eyein' you, Julian.

Weak.

- We need to keep going.

My children need me.

- Well, y'all are just gonna have to make it on your own.

I was going to the bathroom.

- Oh my bad.

- Yeah, sorry.

- Aveline pressed onward with Cora in tow,

thinking of her family, of Elijah,

and a goof on an old timey children's hymn.

- Angus, what are you doing?

- I've hit the infamous runner's wall.

Can't go no further.

- I believe in you, Angus.

Come on, give us one of your famous snot rockets.

I know solid, liquid, and gas, but that's a fourth thing.

- Just leave me here.

- Now you listen here, Angus, you're a runner.

You're gross, your shorts are way too short.

You always boast about different places you've defecated.

- Without stopping.

- You see? - That's disgusting.

- I suppose I got a little left.

- Well, up you go, partner.

You got it buddy.

- I feel like Cora's nose, 'cause I'm running.

May I?

- Oh, that was not far to go at all.

- The big baby.

- Oh, thank you, Angus.

Your weekly medicine runs are saving our community.

- And that's why we do it.

- Angus, you angel.

Oh yeah, you lost it.

That's gross.

- Can you help me bury somebody?

- Yeah, okay.

- After digging a grave in the frozen tundra,

Aveline sat to rest, but a mighty wind began to blow,

and with it an old familiar voice.

- Aveline.

Aveline?

- Captain?

- It worked.

I say this celestial communication is quite astounding.

- What are you doing up there?

- Oh, I just came to give you a buoy, you know,

stiff upper lip and all that and other.

- No, I mean in heaven.

Didn't you sell your soul to the devil?

- Oh well, it turns out crossing your fingers

successfully negates even a devil's bargain.

Boy, did he get the grumps.

- Aveline?

- Henry?

- Is that my dear wife?

- Oh, sh, shush. This is important.

Aveline, you mustn't give up.

- How can I go on?

The weather is crazy.

We have no supplies and we don't even know where to go.

I can't help but thinking this is my fault.

It's the curse.

- Aveline, let my newly omniscient wisdom bring you comfort.

You are probably not cursed.

You just live in the 1800s.

- What do you mean?

- Everybody be dying.

- Everybody do be dying.

- You get it. Now take my hat.

- Captain, please stop asking me to wear your hat.

- Just take it.

- Okay.

- Made quite the liner.

- A map?

- Apologies for the sweat marks,

and the little scalp flakies.

- Thank you.

- Can I please talk to my wife now?

- Sorry, I've used up all the minutes for tonight.

Goodbye and tally ho!

- It is been a long December,

and there's reason to believe

that next year will be better than the last.

- Cora, my babies are just through that pass.

- So help God.

- Let's finish this.

No, no, no, no.

No.

Someone help me. Please.

- You may be cursed Aveline, but you ain't alone.

- Hank?

- Keep it in your bloomers, Aveline.

- Where'd y'all come from?

- I had the same question.

- Elijah?

- This could all have been avoided

if you'd handed over the money, you overgrown Aphrodite.

- You held a man hostage over a half cent?

Are you insane?

- I am a ma-

woman of honor.

I will have payment now

or you will not leave this pass alive.

- What's that?

- The beast.

It sold its soul to the devil.

- She's beautiful.

- I will wait for you in heaven,

and I know that you'll wait for me too, blood cough.

I love you, too.

I mean, maybe I do, seeing as were about to die

seems like a nice thing to say.

Blood sneeze.

- Always thought it was the anthrax that would get me.

- That's a very avoidable death.

- So you think.

- This stump's still got some fight in her yet.

- Here it comes.

- Aveline, use your curse.

- What?

- Proclaim your love for the beast.

- Okay.

- I love you.

- Fine shot, Clarence.

- Yes, you mark that one as a birdie.

- I'm going to mark it as an eagle.

- What did I say?

- A buffalo. - A buffalo.

- It worked.

- I can't believe it.

- Bless your satanic self, it worked.

- What is this?

- Mama.

Who is this?

- Oh, that's nobody.

- Aveline and Cora made it to Oregon.

Cora confessed to Elijah that her near buffalo death

made her want to live untethered for the rest of her life,

which according to the doctor would be a very long time.

She wrote the bestselling memoir,

"Girl, Wash Your Hands.

How I Sur-Thrived Through a Year of Dysentery."

Aveline's daughter became a wealthy widow.

Robert, after regaining her half cent plus interest,

was asked to be the new sheriff of Oregon,

seeing as how the old one died

in a grizzly shootout with a humpback outlaw.

She would go on to become the Chief of Police,

and eventually develop a nationwide service

known as the IRS.

Captain Evander Lillian Quist, rest his devil-duping soul,

was lauded as a hero, and met his own hero in return,

the angel, Davy Crockett.

Angus founded his own Oregon-based shoe company,

coining the slogan, that's why we just do it.

This man died in Nebraska.

You understand.

After a less than stellar family camp out,

the Donner family lion changed careers

and began work at a food factory,

never to go hungry again.

After saving everyone,

Chesterton and Clarence invested

in a potato-based theme park.

They lost everything.

As for Elijah and Aveline?

Well, they married,

even though Aveline made sure never to tell him

she loved him, just to be safe.

They had nine children making 11 total, until-

- Twins.

- The devil's number.