Original subtitles

My name is Marshall Teller.

I knew my new hometown was going to be different

from where I grew up in New Jersey,

but this is ridiculous.

Nobody believes me, but Eerie, Indiana

is the center of weirdness for the entire planet.

[CAWING]

Item, Elvis lives on my paper route.

Thank you, little paperboy.

Item, Big Foot eats out of my trash.

Item, even man's best friend is weird.

Still don't believe me? You will.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROW CAWING]

MARSHALL: A sense of humor is a sign of intelligence.

That's what my dad says.

He also says, sometimes Simon and I

are too smart for our own good.

We were just a couple of wise guys trying to have some fun.

We weren't looking for trouble.

But in Eerie,

trouble always has a way of finding us.

[THUD]

I hear somebody. Hurry!

Done.

Boys.

[LAUGHING]

Thanks for the heart attack, son.

You're welcome, Dad.

You know, I often ask myself,

how many guys have a kid that does stuff like this?

[DOOR CLOSES] I hear mom.

[WHISPERS] Quick, lets get her.

Okay.

What?

[LAUGHING]

Marshall, Simon...

Edgar?

MARSHALL: Get Syndi.

[LAUGHING]

Of course, you know, this means war.

I love this stuff.

MARSHALL: Simon and I decided to take our bag of tricks and

beat it to school before Syndi could launch a counter-attack.

Like everything else in Eerie,

B.F. Skinner Junior High was a strange place full of weird people.

But that wasn't going to stop us from having a little fun.

[CHATTERING]

Stick of gum to make you hum?

What do I look like? Sucker of the Universe?

Where's a good victim when you need one?

Thanks geeks.

Oops.

Hey, Dimsdale.

I don't think you're going to like that.

Oh, yeah?

If he kills me,

you can have my stuff.

Teller, Holmes,

you punks are dead.

All right, all right.

What's going on here? Knock it off.

You people know the rules.

No fighting!

He started it. Irrelevant.

Here comes detention.

I think it's time the three of you

had your eyes checked.

Come along. Eyes checked?

MARSHALL: Since coming here,

I've seen more weirdness than any ten men.

But until you get your eyes checked by the Eerie School nurse,

you ain't seen nothing yet.

Getting an eye exam is a simple, painless process, right?

That's what Simon and I thought too.

DIMSDALE: Ouch. Stop, I promise...

Doesn't sound like he's getting his eyes checked.

Knowing Dimsdale, they probably had to strain him.

Here he comes.

Don't worry, he can't kill us here in school.

Marshall, Simon,

I apologize for fighting with you.

I'm sorry I misbehaved.

It looked like Dimsdale.

NURSE: Simon?

Simon Holmes?

Your turn to see Nurse Nancy.

MARSHALL: Nurse Nancy had just started to work at the school.

All the teachers loved her.

Especially the kind that liked to assign

round the clock homework.

I knew the second I saw Nurse Nancy that something was very wrong.

Come with me, Simon.

This won't take long.

Bye, Marshall.

Gee...

Hope you make it out alive.

Don't worry Mr. Teller,

you'll be next.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Wow.

MARSHALL: Then,

about ten minutes later, Simon stepped out.

At least he looked like Simon.

Hey, Simon.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

I feel a lot better.

You don't look fine.

What's with the glasses?

I can see now.

It's all so clear. What?

MARSHALL: When I looked into Simon's eyes,

I couldn't believe it.

He wasn't the same kid.

It's like something in his eyes...

had disappeared.

I must go...

I must go study.

I must improve my test scores.

NURSE NANCY: Yes.

Now it's Mr. Teller's turn.

Mr. Teller?

Mr. Teller?

Hmm.

You're next.

MARSHALL: I didn't see Simon till later that afternoon.

He was busy...

studying.

Something was definitely wrong.

Ever since that eye test,

it was as if he was no longer able to have fun.

Simon had lost something important,

his sense of humor.

Simon,

where the heck have you been?

Great. Down in flames.

Do you think they have any metric conversion tables here?

Don't you want to play Mutant Attack?

It's your favorite game.

Marshall,

I don't have a favorite game.

Metric conversion tables, right?

Aisle three, right next to the cross-bows.

[RADFORD] That's the 11th zombie today.

Excuse me?

Something strange is going on.

Notice how silent it is?

All the kids are so lifeless.

There's no verve.

Ah, I don't know.

This is scary.

I'm moving a ton of floss.

MARSHALL: They all look the same.

Act the same.

And nobody wants to have any fun.

Simon was born to have fun.

You wanna have fun?

This way.

[RADFORD SIGHS]

There it is. A whole case of fun.

It's a good idea, Radford. Yeah.

Look at him.

He's a goner.

Well, unless you're willing to use the...

No, forget I aid anything.

Use what? Nothing.

Oh, come on. I'm desperate.

No, I can't... Please.

All right.

It's the doomsday device.

The GM 20-20.

It's the... The Big Bang of bad taste.

It's gotta be done.

Come on.

Now you take this. And don't drop it.

All right, expose the enabling codes.

Open the package.

Careful.

Left, 22.

Right?

Sixty. Sixty.

Mmm-hmm.

Left, 41. Left, 41.

Stand back.

Aren't they beautiful?

Legend has it they were molded

directly from the face of the master himself.

I think you know what to do.

Let me try 'em.

Thanks, Radford.

Saved my buddy's life.

Yup. GM 20-20's.

MARSHALL: Simon was safe.

But evil never rests.

We have work to do.

These appear to be ordinary window glasses.

Weird.

Now, tell me everything that happened.

I remember getting in the chair.

And she just closed the blinds.

[CACKLING]

Now, Mr. Holes, just relax.

The process is entirely painless.

But you must remember to keep your eyes on the charts.

Now, read the first line of the first chart.

The first and second lines of the second chart.

All of the third chart.

See how easy it is.

Children can be so disruptive.

Don't you agree?

Sometime they just need a little help

to remind them to behave.

Now, repeat after me,

all work and no fun

makes Simon a good boy.

All work and no fun

makes Simon a good boy.

Simon, can't you see? That's it.

She hypnotized you.

She's hypnotizing everybody, turning them into zombies.

I'm not a zombie.

That's because these broke the spell.

We got to do something before the whole school gets zombified.

I'm going back in to get my test.

But it's too dangerous.

It's a chance I'll have to take.

We need proof.

The only way to get it is to secretly videotape her hypnotizing me.

Besides, I'm not going alone.

You're going with me.

Undercover is my life.

Yes, of course. First thing tomorrow,

he'll be there.

Sorry about the inconvenience.

Marshall, we just got a call from school.

Did you skip out on some eye exam?

Uh, I must have forgotten.

Huh? Well, it seems to be quite important.

I'm a little concerned, Marshall.

The nurse feel you've been very disruptive

and you can't blend in with the other students.

Come to think of it, is that really such a bad thing?

Well, he should at least obey the rules

and he should work harder. I've not been happy with your grades, Marshall.

Now, I don't know why but the nurse seems to feel

that your vision is the source of the trouble.

She would like us to bring you in tomorrow morning.

No problem.

MARSHALL: That's right, no problem.

Simon and I had Nurse Nancy right where we wanted her.

Unfortunately,

we were all still in Eerie.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? NURSE NANCY: Simon?

All work and no fun...

Makes Simon a good boy.

MARSHALL: Here it was.

The morning I'd been waiting for since the day we moved to Eerie.

The day I would have proof, witnesses,

videotape.

I've got to tell you Marshall,

this is very disappointing.

I mean, first Mr. Togar says you get into a fight at school,

then you skip a eye examination.

What's wrong?

Why can't you be like the other students?

Well, maybe he shouldn't.

He should just be himself.

Don't worry about me.

You guys are going to find out sooner or later

that Nurse Nancy isn't really a nurse.

She's hypnotizing everybody in the school,

turning them into lifeless, boring drones.

Marshall, please. We've heard this all before.

Oh, you must be the Tellers.

Nurse Nancy told me that you'd be bringing Marshall in.

I know I speak for Marshall when I say we're sorry

about the mix-up yesterday.

The nurse was very understanding on the phone.

She's done a bang up-job here,

which I should've known from the recommendations she had from other schools.

After all, a quite classroom is an orderly classroom.

And an orderly classroom creates better test scores.

Here she is now.

You must be the Tellers.

Pleased to meet you Miss...

Oh, just Nancy.

Oh, like Cher?

Not quite.

Nurse Nancy is developing a master-plan

to expand free vision care

to my school staff and eventually...

all Eerie citizens.

You too.

Wouldn't that be great, Mars?

Great.

Oh, Marshall, there's nothing to worry about.

And since your parents

were so kind to visit,

I'm going to put you next.

Fine with me.

Say bye-bye, Marshall.

Bye-bye.

Mr. Teller, follow me.

[WHISPERS] Simon?

Am I glad to see you.

Got the camera and the glasses right here.

It's upto us, buddy.

We gotta save the school.

NURSE NANCY: Mr. Teller?

Come on, let's go.

Why don't you take a seat, Mr. Teller?

Certainly.

Just relax, Mr. Teller.

That's one of my little rules.

And things go so much easier when people follow the rules,

don't you agree?

That's what they tell me.

Well, Mr. Teller,

I've worked with children all my life.

I think of myself as an expert.

And well, you may not believe this,

but I've seen your type before.

Yeah?

Cool and suave?

I've had my eye on you, Mr. Teller.

You are a very interesting young man.

You have a lot of imagination.

You even show a funny kind of...

Courage.

Hey, I try.

Well, in this day and age Mr. Teller,

we don't want courage and imagination.

These days demand a certain

simplicity.

A certain shallowness.

Is that why you're against fun?

Oh...

Fun is poison.

It frees the mind.

When the mind starts to wander,

who know where it will take you.

Who knows what difficult questions you'll ask. No.

We can't afford that!

I've corrected the vision of many children in my lifetime,

Mr. Teller.

And you are a prize catch.

Yes...

I'm going to have fun.

I'll show you fun.

Simon,

let the games begin.

Simon?

Simon?

Mr. Holmes, would you please do the honors?

Yes, Nurse Nancy.

NURSE NANCY: Now, I'm sorry to say,

this may hurt.

The pain can be so instructive.

Now relax and look at the chart.

I want you to think about how good it feels to make

Nurse Nancy happy.

You know, I'm not as bad as you think, Marshall.

Some people even picture me as

an angel of Mercy.

Simon?

Saving children from their own nasty habits.

Why some day, you might thank me.

Ah, thank you, Simon.

You're welcome, Nurse Nancy.

Simon, what're you doing?

Simon knows how to behave, Mr. Teller.

He told me about your little scheme, too.

My, my...

Uh-oh.

We can't have any of that.

Oops.

Simon, run.

Boys, where do you think you're going?

We're going to the FBI.

Something wrong, boys?

Uh...

No. Thanks.

Everything's fine.

I don't know why you're making such a fuss,

Mr. Teller.

My world is orderly and peaceful.

Yeah.

Well, I like my world messy and alive.

No!

Not the glasses.

Anything but the glasses.

Oh...

No!

You need to taste your own medicine.

What're you going to do?

You're going to relax.

And think about how good it feels to have fun.

No! Not fun!

Not that.

Whenever you hear the word Whom-bomp-a do-domp,

you will begin laughing

and never stop.

Whom-bomp-a do-domp. Whom-bomp-a do-domp.

Nurse Nancy, are you all right?

Nurse Nancy?

Those glasses?

Whom-bomp-a do-domp.

[LAUGHING]

Whom-bomp-a do-domp.

And don't stop laughing till you get to the North Pole.

MARSHALL: Eerie, Indiana,

item number 38,

zombie glasses.

The ultimate tool of mental fascism.

Nurse Nancy wanted order and discipline.

She wanted boring drones that loved homework.

Sure, that's okay sometimes.

But give me a little chaos and fun any day.

Think we'll ever see Nurse Nancy again?

Hopefully she's still headed due North.

Welcome to Canada.

Anything to declare, ma'am?

Whom-bomp-a do-domp.

[LAUGHING]

Americans...

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]