Original subtitles

My name is Marshall Teller.

I knew my new hometown was going to be different

from where I grew up in New Jersey,

but this is ridiculous.

Nobody believes me, but Eerie, Indiana

is the center of weirdness for the entire planet.

[CAWING]

Item, Elvis lives on my paper route.

Thank you, little paperboy.

Item, Big Foot eats out of my trash.

Item, even man's best friend is weird.

Still don't believe me? You will.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL: Back in Jersey, Halloween was my favorite holiday.

When else can a non-adult wear a disguise and roam around after dark,

forcing people to give you candy for no good reason and then trash

the house if they don't.

But here in Eerie, things are different.

There's no telling who or what you might bump into

around these parts.

Simon and I had to be prepared for anything.

Camera? Check.

Film? Check.

Tape recorder? Check.

Notebook? Check.

Markers? Check.

Swiss army knife? Check.

Map of Eerie? Check.

Signal mirror? Check.

Flashlight? Check.

Moist towelettes?

In case you get egged.

Bug spray?

In case we get bugged.

Clean underwear?

In case we get scared.

Garlic?

Wooden stake?

Holy water?

Check.

Check.

Check.

Well, that should cover all major monster groups.

Time to suit up.

Affirmative.

SIMON: This ought to scare any monsters.

Can't forget the video camera.

Who's running the world while we trick or treat?

Better test it out.

MARSHALL: Hey, it's time to test the secret handshake.

SIMON: Better weird than dead.

MARSHALL: Ready George?

Ready any time you are, Gorby.

MARSHALL: Oh, we ready all right.

Ready for anything but for what was about to happen.

We didn't know it yet but we were in for the scariest Halloween of all time.

And we weren't even going to make it out of the house.

Simon and I were ready to dive into the abyss.

But first, we had to say adios to Harley,

Simon's little brother.

My mom was keeping an eye on him till we got back.

See ya, Harley.

You boys be careful now.

And be back no later than nine, do you understand?

Yes, Mom.

Thanks again for watching my brother, Mrs. Teller.

Oh, you're welcome, Simon.

Little Harley here is no trouble at all.

SIMON: I don't know about that.

He manages to always get me in trouble somehow.

Now listen, Harley,

you do what Mrs. Teller tells you to.

Understand?

Ow, dang it, Harley.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] Oh, I'll get it.

C'mon Simon, we've got work to do.

Hello.

BOTH: Whoa!

ALL: Trick or treat?

Yeah, yeah, here's your candy.

Anybody tries a trick is going to get nuked.

Read my lips.

No more candy.

Hang on, boys.

That was your father on the phone.

He needs a ride home. His car died again.

Stay here and watch Harley till I get back. But mom...

We've got places to go, things to do.

Make Syndi watch him.

Syndi is busy cramming for a test.

She's upstairs if you need her.

But mom, listen-- Marshall!

I will be back with your father as soon as I can.

Until then, I need you boys to be responsible for Harley.

Now, whatever you do,

do not let him out of your sight.

Yes, Mom.

We're having some fun now.

Wait a minute.

I got a brilliant idea.

What are we gonna do?

Harley doesn't know it yet

but he's about to make us $10,000.

He is?

Okay, here's the plan.

We fake Harley here doing a little baby slapstick.

You know, something stupid or weird.

Get it on video and

throw it on that home video show.

And voila!

We're on prime-time.

Stuffing our pockets full of ten thousand simoleons.

I like it.

Boys,

I want you to meet Godzilla and Mothra, my science project.

I'm studying insanity in the animal kingdom.

These lizards are crazy?

You would be too if you were a chameleon on dayglo colored rocks.

That ought to get you an "A" for sure.

Pay attention Harley,

you could learn something.

We'll save the science lessons for later.

Right now, there's money to be made.

Simon, you go operate camera.

Right, boss.

Hey, Harley.

Do you like to hold Godzilla?

Zoom in so you can't see me.

Feels weird, huh?

Did you ever feel a lizard before?

Did you ever

taste a lizard before?

Marshall, no!

Simon, what'd you do that for?

I wasn't going to let him swallow it.

Oh. Sorry.

Whatever you do, just keep rolling while I find Godzilla.

Here, Godzilla.

Here, boy.

[WHISTLES]

Hey, Godzilla

Hey, Godzilla

Here boy.

He's in my pants.

Get him out.

[SIMON AND HARLEY LAUGHING]

An oblete spheroid.

Think.

Think Stanley Binkerman.

Right, kinda round and squishy.

Okay, um, a trapezoid.

Think Danny Melman. Oh, man! Get it out of my pants.

Right, kinda square.

Did you find Mothra?

Yeah, he made it as far as my sock.

Guess it could've been worse.

Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

MARSHALL: Maybe Simon was right.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

We decided maybe we should do something

safe and mindless until my parents came home

and rescued us from Harley.

So we turned on the TV.

Luckily, a classic was on Eerie cable.

So while I hooked the cam-recorder up to tape the movie,

Simon demobilized Harley

with the old bowling ball and chain routine.

He's not going anywhere.

You be a good boy Harley and watch the nice mummy movie.

If you get in any more trouble, mummy's going to get you.

Understand?

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMS]

[EERIE MUSIC]

[MICROWAVE BEEPING]

Sorry about Harley.

Uh, I'll get over it.

Here, pass me the popcorn.

I wonder if lizards like popcorn.

Don't know.

Worth experimenting.

[GROWLING]

[THUNDERCLAP]

What was that?

Harley.

Where'd he go?

Harley? Harley?

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

Harley?

Harley?

You wait here while I search the rest of the house.

Marshall, look.

Uh-oh.

Dang it, Harley.

What're you doing in there?

You knucklehead, get out of there.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

If Harley's in the mummy movie,

then where's the...

BOTH: Mummy!

[SCREAMING]

Get outta here! Go! Go! Go!

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

This isn't happening. This isn't happening. This isn't happening.

Marshall, no. Snap out of it.

Harley and Syndi are still in there.

We gotta go in and get them.

Marshall, no. You can't go back in there.

It's too dangerous.

It will just kill you too.

GIRL: Those guys are so weird.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

ALL: Trick-or-treat, smell our feet,

give us something good to eat.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

All right.

Okay, there's plenty of icky-sticky bars here for everyone.

SYNDI: Happy Halloween. Thank you.

SYNDI: Happy Halloween.

Cute outfit. Did your mom make that?

You're alive.

Brilliant deduction, Holmes.

What're you guys doing out there?

Supposed to be in here passing out the treats so I can study.

And where's Harley?

What?

[SHRIEKS]

Geez, you scared me to death.

God, didn't your mama ever tell you not to sneak up on people like that?

My heart is going 90 miles an hour.

Cool costume.

Aren't you a little bit old to be trick or treating?

MARSHALL: Well, uh...

He's just a big kid.

Gland problems.

Oh...

Well, have two.

Okay, happy Halloween everyone.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

ALL: Bye!

Bye.

[DOOR CREAKING]

From now on, you guys answer the door. Understand?

And where is Harley?

Harley?

SYNDI: Yeah, Harley.

About this tall, same mom as Simon.

Well...

To tell you the truth,

he's in the TV.

Yeah, and I'm on Pluto.

Listen, from now on you guys keep an eye on him

and answer the door until mom gets home.

And no matter what,

don't disturb me unless it's an emergency.

Keep the door closed so the fog doesn't get in, okay?

Space,

the final frontier.

Honey, any luck?

Okay, try it.

[ENGINE SPLUTTERING]

Edgar, come back inside the car.

It's not a good night to be stuck on the side of the road.

Marshall, look.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

Poor lady.

She doesn't stand a chance.

Harley?

Harley?

Harley Schwarzenegger Holmes,

you leave that poor lady alone right now

or I'm going to come in there and blister your butt.

Do you hear me?

Oh, he's really scared now.

How'd he get in there anyhow?

Does the word mega-eerie-voodoo- weirdness mean anything to you?

Check it out.

Teeth marks.

Yup.

It's Harley all right.

The teeth marks match where he bit me the last time I had to babysit.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who is it?

[GROWLING]

MUMMY: Trick or treat?

Just a minute.

Remember Dead End Kids Plan 39?

Come and get it.

Hey, duct tape for brains.

[WHISPERING] Plan 39. Plan 39.

Ouch.

BOTH: Ouch?

Trick or treat?

Sorry I'm out of candy.

Meow.

Bow-wow.

Oh, Edgar...

Doesn't this remind you of that time we drove

all the way to Princeton

just to see Close Encounters of the Third Kind?

We never did see that movie.

We never did.

KIDS: Trick or treat?

What I wouldn't do for a dozen eggs right now.

Edgar, shut up and kiss me.

[GIRL FREAKISHLY LAUGHING]

Well, that's it.

No, that's it.

Honey, honey, honey, what are you doing?

Nobody does that to Edgar Teller.

I'm married to a...

Show yourselves, you cowards!

Honey!

Oh, that's right!

Yeah, I'd like to see you try that again!

Edgar, are you okay?

Ready?

Got you covered, partner.

Wait. What?

What if there's some kind of curse for unwrapping a mummy?

I just want a peek.

Besides, if there is a curse,

it can't be worse than what our parents are gonna do to us

when they find out we traded Harley for King Tut breath here.

It's... It's...

Boris Von Orloff!

You're an actor.

Actor? Actor?

Sir Boris Von Orloff.

International star of stage and screen.

You're also dead.

Dead? Really?

For how long? For about 50 years.

You know, I thought I remembered dying.

Had some bad shellfish one night.

Next morning I was reincarnated

in one of my most memorable roles.

The Bloody Revenge of the Mummy's Curse?

Classic. Yes, classic.

Been stuck in that role ever since.

Of course, I always knew my memory will live on in my films.

But this is ridiculous.

Of course.

He's not a real mummy.

He's an actor.

I've been kidnapped by geniuses.

Sorry about your head. Wow.

Never thought I'd see a mummy,

a dead person

and a movie star, all in one day.

All in one guy.

Where am I anyway?

A little town called Eerie, Indiana.

Better known as Weirdness Central.

Quaint.

Now tell me, how did I come to be in this

dreary little corner of the universe?

And what's more important, how do I get out of here?

That's a good question.

I have some ideas.

But first we've got to get you out of this chair.

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

Heavens to Megratroid!

What is that detestable little yard ape doing in my movie?

He's ruining it.

You should see what he does to my bedroom.

What did you say this projector in a bottle is called?

Television.

Truly dreadful invention.

I do hope it never catches on.

Maybe the videotape has some answers.

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

The video camera's been recording everything.

If I rewind it,

I should be able to see what happened.

If we reproduce exactly what Harley did,

I should be able to switch you back.

That's it!

That's got to be it!

Harley was standing in front of the video camera,

watching the mummy movie.

And when he bit down on the remote control,

he caused some kind of video feedback timewarp zapping thing.

Of course. Why didn't I think of that?

Simon, quick,

pull up that chair. Mom and dad will be home any minute.

Okay Simon,

when I give you the word,

shove the remote in Mr. Orloff's mouth,

but Boris, don't bite down till I say so?

Look, I've been thinking

maybe I was a bit harsh in judging your fine little metropolis.

Maybe we should postpone this zapping thing you were talking about.

I could use a little vacation.

Being in that musty old mummy movie all those years...

Well, it can be a bit tedious, you know.

All that foot shuffling and moaning and such.

Not to mention the fact that

I haven't had a chance to visit that little boy's room

in 50 years.

Thanks Simon.

Remember Boris, don't bite down till I say so.

Better hurry up. The movie's almost over.

Stop him. He's a monster.

Get me back in there before he wipes out my entire career.

SIMON: The cable box!

The channel changed. What are we gonna do?

Why do I have a feeling this is not a good thing?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Now what?

Marshall,

quit goofing around with your friends and answer the door.

Who was that?

Your worst nightmare.

I'm getting it! I'm getting it!

Find the right channel and fast.

Trick or treat?

BOY: Yeah. Lets get out of here.

Oh, no.

Anything but them.

I must not be living right.

So many channels,

so little to watch.

BOTH: Shut up!

That's it. That's it. Back-up!

I almost missed the house in this fog.

How do you suppose this got up here?

Now! Now! Now!

MARYLIN: Hi boys.

Sorry we took so long.

We got lost in the fog.

Some kindergardners egged the car.

I was waiting for your mother to jump start me.

It's the last time I go out on Halloween without any candy.

MARYLIN: Did little Harley give you any trouble?

Harley?

Trouble?

Kid's a saint.

Salt of the earth.

Anything good on the old boob tube?

You do not want to know.

[LAUGHING]

MARSHALL: Simon and I did never go out that Halloween night.

We had enough adventure for ten men right there in my own living room.

We did learn three things though.

Never trust a six year old,

never bite a remote control,

and never, never leave

videotape evidence lying around where your parents might find it.

As for Sir Boris Von Orloff,

he finally got that vacation he was looking for.

[WAVES SPLASHING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]