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1
00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:39,771
Who'd have believed it ?
A late booking, standby, 75% discount !
2
00:00:39,906 --> 00:00:42,500
That's what you get for haggling !
3
00:00:42,642 --> 00:00:44,906
A kick in the bollocks ?
4
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:50,176
He merely fell and steadied himself
by putting his boot into my testicles !
5
00:00:50,316 --> 00:00:51,874
Ow !
6
00:00:52,018 --> 00:00:57,957
There's no arguing with that.
75% discount on a heat seeker's bronze-athon !
7
00:00:58,091 --> 00:01:01,754
A nine-day special of sun, sea, sand and sex !
8
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:04,659
Bridlington won't know what's hit it !
9
00:01:05,698 --> 00:01:09,657
Look at that. Only 25 minutes to the beach !
10
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:13,000
By car.
11
00:01:13,139 --> 00:01:16,370
- I thought Bridlington was on the coast.
- It is.
12
00:01:16,509 --> 00:01:19,501
So it means 25 minutes from Bridlington.
13
00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:22,774
Hmm. What's the address ?
14
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,714
Doncaster.
15
00:01:25,852 --> 00:01:28,753
I've never been there, but it sounds romantic.
16
00:01:28,888 --> 00:01:32,984
And, hey, Eddie, it's got a "dong"
in it ! Lucky omen !
17
00:01:33,126 --> 00:01:35,185
We're in the luck all right.
18
00:01:35,328 --> 00:01:39,822
If we hadn't been spotted filling
our glasses from the drip tray,
19
00:01:39,966 --> 00:01:44,403
we'd never have scarpered down that alley
and bumped into Dodgy Bob McMayday,
20
00:01:44,537 --> 00:01:48,029
the most violent travel agent in the world.
21
00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:50,802
It only cost us �4,000 !
22
00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:55,413
We haven't actually got �4,000, have we ?
23
00:01:55,548 --> 00:01:58,073
That's why he gave us a good deal.
24
00:01:58,218 --> 00:02:01,119
What, give him the money
by Christmas or we die ?
25
00:02:01,254 --> 00:02:05,987
Yeah ! Oh, we're going on holiday !
26
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:12,227
God, it's so exciting !
The coach leaves at midnight.
27
00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:17,530
Put the kettle on and I'll make a list
of what we need to nick for the beach.
28
00:02:17,670 --> 00:02:20,036
Number one, suntan lotion.
29
00:02:20,173 --> 00:02:25,907
We're going to Bridlington - well, Doncaster.
We won't need suntan lotion !
30
00:02:26,045 --> 00:02:29,446
Yes... Drizzle oil, then !
31
00:02:29,582 --> 00:02:31,743
Gloom juice !
32
00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:35,446
Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes.
33
00:02:37,423 --> 00:02:39,983
Wind smear !
34
00:02:41,394 --> 00:02:46,263
Wind smear ? We don't need to take
the contents of your underpants.
35
00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:52,636
Well, actually, that's where you're wrong.
36
00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:58,142
If you think carefully about it, we WILL
need to take the contents of my underpants !
37
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,781
Aren't we having a great time ?
38
00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:07,285
That's what makes the English great -
laughing at adversity.
39
00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:12,517
If we were millionaires living in Bermuda,
we wouldn't have found that funny.
40
00:03:14,294 --> 00:03:18,162
No. What else do we need for the beach ?
41
00:03:18,298 --> 00:03:21,358
- Tetanus jabs.
- Ooh, yes !
42
00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:25,494
Better make an appointment
to see Dr Wildthroat for a booster.
43
00:03:25,638 --> 00:03:29,233
- He's not a doctor of medicine.
- I know, but he's cheap.
44
00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:31,809
He gave you rabies last year.
45
00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:35,847
But it only cost three quid.
Beggars can't be choosers !
46
00:03:35,982 --> 00:03:39,975
No, but they can froth at the mouth
and eat the furniture.
47
00:03:40,119 --> 00:03:46,581
What else ? Industrial wellingtons.
Gas masks. Full radiation suits, really.
48
00:03:46,726 --> 00:03:48,523
It's not like it was in my childhood.
49
00:03:48,661 --> 00:03:51,323
Ooh ! Condoms !
50
00:03:51,464 --> 00:03:54,297
We can take last year's, can't we ?
51
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:55,731
Have we got any left ?
52
00:03:55,868 --> 00:03:58,029
Yeah.
53
00:03:58,171 --> 00:03:59,934
All of 'em.
54
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:03,975
Thank God for that.
I just hate going to the chemist's.
55
00:04:04,110 --> 00:04:06,476
Keep thinking my mum will find out.
56
00:04:06,613 --> 00:04:09,275
Buying johnnies is a constant embarrassment.
57
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:14,114
What do you mean ?
You've only done it once and that was in 1977.
58
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:17,189
It was a bloody convincing performance.
59
00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:19,518
That shop assistant thought I was French.
60
00:04:19,659 --> 00:04:24,528
Maybe that's why you came out
with 50 tubes of pile cream as well.
61
00:04:24,664 --> 00:04:28,327
Well, maybe my mime was a little indistinct.
62
00:04:28,468 --> 00:04:32,427
It was worth a day trip to Birmingham
just to find a chemist who didn't know us.
63
00:04:32,572 --> 00:04:36,474
It was a long way round just to buy
a pack of johnnies we never use,
64
00:04:36,609 --> 00:04:40,875
but there's been no piles
in this house since 1977 !
65
00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:45,383
Yeah. We can sit down with a thump
as merrily as we like !
66
00:04:45,518 --> 00:04:48,851
And we've still got the johnnies as a souvenir !
67
00:04:48,988 --> 00:04:52,719
- Hooray !
- That's what makes the English great.
68
00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:55,953
- What, not having piles ?
- Yes !
69
00:04:56,095 --> 00:05:01,590
- Richie, you have gone insane.
- I'm just over-excited about the holiday.
70
00:05:10,677 --> 00:05:14,670
- I wonder what we'll do ?
- The same as we normally do.
71
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:20,047
Sit about in the boarding house
till the rain stops, then dash to the bookies.
72
00:05:20,186 --> 00:05:23,121
Yeah ! I can't wait !
73
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:25,918
Do you think the landlady will be
like the one we had last year ?
74
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:28,926
What, you mean dead ?
75
00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:33,863
No, I mean before the accident.
Did you ever get your lighter back ?
76
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,298
No, they kept it for the inquest.
77
00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:38,028
Did they ?
78
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:43,939
She was a sweetheart, wasn't she ?
Do you remember her last words ?
79
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:47,808
"Mr Hitler, do you know anything
about gas leaks ?"
80
00:05:47,947 --> 00:05:50,916
Click, click, click, boom !
81
00:05:51,050 --> 00:05:54,884
Still, it was the first time
we were warm on that holiday.
82
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:58,957
- Yes, yes. Ha-ha-ha.
- Ha-ha-ha.
83
00:06:00,226 --> 00:06:03,320
Right. Where shall we put
the tickets so we can't find them ?
84
00:06:03,463 --> 00:06:07,456
That was the wrong way round !
I'm getting so over-excited !
85
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,296
I'd better sit down. Da-da !
86
00:06:10,436 --> 00:06:13,200
Another victory for the piles cream !
87
00:06:13,339 --> 00:06:16,069
Where is the safest place in the house ?
88
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:21,306
- In the tin with the johnnies.
- Of course. You're a genius, Eddie !
89
00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:24,041
There.
90
00:06:24,183 --> 00:06:28,176
Right, I'm off upstairs to try on
me swimming trunks. Give 'em an airing.
91
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:31,757
Get 'em used to the old swagger.
92
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:36,294
That'll give me enough time to make
a deviously mischievous phone call.
93
00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:51,507
That's right, Cher, me proud Hollywood beauty.
94
00:06:51,644 --> 00:06:55,080
A two-week bunk up with me
in sunny Doncaster.
95
00:06:55,214 --> 00:06:59,344
I'll bring the vodka.
You bring those saucy bits of string.
96
00:06:59,485 --> 00:07:02,318
What do you say ?
97
00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:04,548
Yes ?
98
00:07:04,690 --> 00:07:06,783
Oh, God !
99
00:07:07,827 --> 00:07:10,955
If only this was plugged in !
100
00:07:12,398 --> 00:07:15,390
Eddie ! Eddie !
101
00:07:16,402 --> 00:07:18,666
Help !
102
00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:22,206
I've got my swimming trunks on.
103
00:07:22,341 --> 00:07:24,809
I have no particular interest in seeing them.
104
00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:29,404
The thing is, they're so tight, I can't get 'em off.
105
00:07:30,416 --> 00:07:33,010
It feels like I'm being garrotted.
106
00:07:33,152 --> 00:07:36,451
I hope I don't sneeze. I'll be sliced in three !
107
00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:40,081
All right. I'll get the pepper and a camera.
108
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:43,059
Eddie, this is no laughing matter !
109
00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:47,496
God, I mustn't shout !
I nearly ingested myself then !
110
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,191
You've got to help me get 'em off.
111
00:07:49,335 --> 00:07:50,768
What ?
112
00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:55,269
Let's have a look, then.
113
00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:01,805
There.
114
00:08:11,257 --> 00:08:13,487
Where are they ?
115
00:08:13,626 --> 00:08:18,359
That's the thing. They're so tight,
you can't actually see them.
116
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:23,765
I know they're on - I can feel 'em.
Boy, can I feel 'em !
117
00:08:23,903 --> 00:08:27,361
They must be somewhere under all these folds.
118
00:08:28,374 --> 00:08:30,842
All right. Close, close !
119
00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:35,474
What colour are they ?
120
00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:38,243
They were yellow when I put 'em on.
121
00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:42,320
- Bend over and I'll get me tool kit.
- Thanks, Eddie.
122
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:44,719
Why did you make me buy a thong ?
123
00:08:45,658 --> 00:08:47,558
Here goes.
124
00:08:49,128 --> 00:08:52,029
I think I've got a purchase.
125
00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:14,814
- I'll have to burn them off.
- Anything. Just make it quick.
126
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:18,219
I'm losing consciousness.
My legs are going to sleep.
127
00:09:18,357 --> 00:09:21,986
Well, this should wake them up.
128
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,600
Aagh !
129
00:09:34,807 --> 00:09:37,867
There we go. There we are.
130
00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:42,544
Here's the little fella
that was causing all the trouble.
131
00:09:42,682 --> 00:09:45,651
Thank God they're off !
132
00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:50,415
In future, I'll have to own up
to not being quite a 26 waist any more !
133
00:09:50,556 --> 00:09:55,289
26 ? What's that in, feet, yards, miles ?
134
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:58,556
Look at that !
135
00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:01,189
Who invented the thong ?
136
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:05,794
Sadist ! It's like wrapping
cheese wire round your tackle.
137
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:10,238
Even though I had it on, I could
still be done for indecent exposure.
138
00:10:10,376 --> 00:10:14,642
Hey, that's a thought, Eddie.
Do you think Bridlington's topless ?
139
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:17,806
No. You should bring your bra.
140
00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:21,044
Ha-ha-ha
141
00:10:23,189 --> 00:10:26,647
OK, so my pectorals are
a little flabby at the moment.
142
00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:28,919
That is a point, Eddie.
143
00:10:29,061 --> 00:10:32,497
Us guys, we're going
to Bridlington to get laid, right ?
144
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,600
One snag.
145
00:10:34,734 --> 00:10:37,294
Not many people are gonna want to shag
146
00:10:37,436 --> 00:10:41,930
two fat, balding, sweaty rubber
johnnies full of custard, are they ?
147
00:10:42,074 --> 00:10:44,838
- No.
- No, because we're not rich.
148
00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:47,673
If we want to score, we'll have to hit that beach
149
00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:50,748
like two greased cougars
from the planet Big Bollocks
150
00:10:50,883 --> 00:10:54,649
who've just been sacked from
The Chippendales for being too sexy !
151
00:10:54,787 --> 00:10:58,951
- Tricky.
- Exactement, mon brave.
152
00:10:59,091 --> 00:11:02,026
Nil desperandum.
There's a way out of everything.
153
00:11:02,161 --> 00:11:06,063
- Yeah, usually the lavvy window.
- Shut up.
154
00:11:06,198 --> 00:11:11,727
To achieve the bod that birds will kill
to wriggle on, we've only one option.
155
00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:15,705
Buy them 17 gin and tonics
and lie about our income ?
156
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:19,174
No, Eddie. We're going
to have to lose some weight.
157
00:11:19,311 --> 00:11:23,714
- Why don't you just stay at home ?
- Right. Where's my manuals ?
158
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:28,513
"Joy of Sex", "More Joy of Sex",
"Cooking in the Nude"...
159
00:11:28,654 --> 00:11:31,680
Here we are.
"German Luftwaffe Air Force Exercises".
160
00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:35,282
- This belonged to my dad.
- Was he in the war ?
161
00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:39,262
Very much so. He got hit
during the Blitz, you know.
162
00:11:39,398 --> 00:11:40,797
Did he ?
163
00:11:40,933 --> 00:11:45,529
Yes. By an air raid warden.
He wouldn't turn his light out.
164
00:11:45,671 --> 00:11:48,333
Good old Dad. He won the fight !
165
00:11:48,474 --> 00:11:52,035
My mum and dad, Eddie... My mum and dad...
166
00:11:52,178 --> 00:11:56,205
There was a romance.
It was a fleeting wartime romance.
167
00:11:56,348 --> 00:11:58,578
- They were only together...
- Five minutes ?
168
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:03,951
If that. Ships in the night, Eddie.
Ships in the night. He was pissed.
169
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:08,186
Wandered into the Ladies.
Off came her winceyettes.
170
00:12:08,327 --> 00:12:12,195
The johnnie machine jammed. Bim, bam, bom,
whiff of cordite and he was off.
171
00:12:12,331 --> 00:12:16,358
Well, it's all a load of bollocks, isn't it ?
172
00:12:16,502 --> 00:12:21,337
Yeah, it's all a load of bollocks.
Come on ! 20 Luftwaffe press-ups !
173
00:12:23,876 --> 00:12:26,936
Un, deux, trois and achtung !
174
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,416
How are you doing ? Have you started ?
175
00:12:31,550 --> 00:12:33,142
Yeah.
176
00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:39,118
- How's it going ?
- Like a dream.
177
00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:42,022
The sort where you can't do press-ups ?
178
00:12:42,161 --> 00:12:45,597
- That's the one, yes.
- We'll build up to that one.
179
00:12:45,731 --> 00:12:48,222
We'll do some sit-ups.
180
00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:51,564
Hands behind your head and after three...
181
00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:54,400
One, two, three, and...
182
00:12:56,642 --> 00:12:59,509
Better skip that one as well.
183
00:12:59,645 --> 00:13:03,581
It's a wonder they could get
into their aeroplanes after all this !
184
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:07,584
No wonder they lost the bloody war !
Where did your dad get this book from ?
185
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:12,487
It's hard to tell. My dad moved
in some very mysterious circles.
186
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:15,822
He had one leg shorter than the other.
187
00:13:16,829 --> 00:13:19,889
Here's an inscription.
188
00:13:20,032 --> 00:13:23,331
"For all ze good vork you are doing for ze cause.
189
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:26,495
"Keep it up. Mum's ze word. Adolf."
190
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:32,441
My dad, Oswald Richard. They don't
make 'em like that any more !
191
00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:34,569
We'll have to change tack.
192
00:13:34,713 --> 00:13:37,739
Only 12 hours to go
and I've got to lose three stone.
193
00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:40,443
- Shall I try combining food ?
- What with ?
194
00:13:40,586 --> 00:13:45,888
- Lager ? The telly ?
- I know. I'm gonna get some liposuction !
195
00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:48,550
Not from me, you're not, matey !
196
00:13:48,694 --> 00:13:52,095
Get a grip ! Get the Hoover and let's do it.
197
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:56,734
- Are you sure this is wise ?
- What do you mean ?
198
00:13:56,869 --> 00:14:00,066
They do this in Hollywood all the time.
199
00:14:00,206 --> 00:14:04,108
- Do they ?
- Fire her up.
200
00:14:04,243 --> 00:14:07,735
Now, nice gentle circular motions
around the hip area.
201
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,871
Right you are.
202
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:12,609
That's good. That's working.
203
00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:25,823
Put it on blow ! Put it on blow !
204
00:14:25,965 --> 00:14:29,162
You dirty, dirty bastard !
205
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:35,439
Quick, Eddie, hurry ! I've nearly reached the bag !
206
00:14:37,409 --> 00:14:39,240
Wagh !
207
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:52,915
They do that in Hollywood all the time ? Blimey !
208
00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:56,550
No wonder they're all members
of the 12-inch Club !
209
00:14:56,695 --> 00:15:00,631
- We'll have to change tack again.
- How do you mean ?
210
00:15:00,766 --> 00:15:03,599
Look around any modern gym, what do you see ?
211
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:07,570
Loads of birds with funny underpants
right up their crack.
212
00:15:07,706 --> 00:15:10,174
- No.
- Right up.
213
00:15:10,309 --> 00:15:13,039
- Right up !
- Yes, yes.
214
00:15:13,178 --> 00:15:16,409
That's lovely, Eddie, but what else do you see ?
215
00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:19,517
I don't see anything else.
216
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:23,884
Not until the police arrive
and prise me off the window.
217
00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:28,551
I got a good 30 minutes
out of that last tube of Superglue !
218
00:15:31,630 --> 00:15:35,191
Weights, that's what you see.
Weights and lifting machines.
219
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:38,531
And that's what we have here !
220
00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:42,767
This machine will exercise your pecs, your tecs,
221
00:15:42,908 --> 00:15:45,240
your fibula, your timula, your primula...
222
00:15:45,377 --> 00:15:48,039
- Dairy Lea ?
- Everything !
223
00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:49,772
What's that Greek one with the holes in it ?
224
00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:51,780
- Nana Mouskouri ?
- That's it.
225
00:15:51,917 --> 00:15:57,412
It'll do that without stretching your todger out
to three and a half foot !
226
00:15:57,556 --> 00:15:58,887
Let's get on with it.
227
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:03,256
40 minutes on this and Charles Atlas
will be committing suicide !
228
00:16:07,933 --> 00:16:11,460
Ease up on a couple of yoghurts
in there, would you ?
229
00:16:11,603 --> 00:16:15,767
- Righty-ho, Charles.
- What about that huge wobbly jelly ?
230
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:18,240
Well, you're standing over there.
231
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,110
How am I looking, Eddie ?
232
00:16:26,285 --> 00:16:30,585
Like a vast mountain of Vaseline
with a heart condition
233
00:16:30,689 --> 00:16:33,681
that's lifted the fridge
a millimetre off the ground.
234
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:36,761
- Hey, no gain without pain !
- Hang on.
235
00:16:36,895 --> 00:16:39,921
What's that sellotaped
to the bottom of the fridge ?
236
00:16:40,065 --> 00:16:44,161
Looks like that missing blackmail
nudey snap of Desmond Lynam !
237
00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:48,171
Help me lift the fridge.
I want to see Des's hammerhead !
238
00:16:50,042 --> 00:16:53,375
Grab hold of this
and give it a bloody good yank !
239
00:17:00,219 --> 00:17:04,383
Now, this machine should increase
your stamina and lower body strength
240
00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:08,687
so that you can lift the fridge
and look at Desmond's plonker !
241
00:17:10,162 --> 00:17:12,790
OK, Eddie, fire her up.
242
00:17:19,238 --> 00:17:22,469
I'll just take her up to a steady 70.
243
00:17:32,684 --> 00:17:36,950
Ease up gently on the running.
I'm just about to brake.
244
00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:42,816
I should have said that earlier, really.
245
00:17:42,961 --> 00:17:45,589
I've just got to answer the front door, Rich.
246
00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:50,498
You just have a bit of a lie down.
Get your breath back.
247
00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:54,402
And your teeth.
They're over there by the lamppost.
248
00:17:54,540 --> 00:17:59,000
- All right ! Christ Almighty !
249
00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:05,882
It's like walking down a corridor
and answering the door in Nazi Germany !
250
00:18:07,386 --> 00:18:10,719
Have you ever thought
how beautiful the world is ?
251
00:18:10,856 --> 00:18:13,757
Yes, I have. Thank you.
252
00:18:17,062 --> 00:18:18,393
Charming man.
253
00:18:22,801 --> 00:18:25,599
- Edward Hitler !
- It's all right, Richie.
254
00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:27,830
All the birds love a scar.
255
00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:30,737
Really ? It's your lucky day, then, buster !
256
00:18:40,018 --> 00:18:45,320
Let's see how much mischief
you can get up to without any legs !
257
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:48,551
Look at the time ! I've got to pack !
258
00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:53,961
I've got to lose three stone !
There ain't enough hours in the day !
259
00:18:57,136 --> 00:19:01,232
I'd better take the open crotch ones
as well, just in case.
260
00:19:03,542 --> 00:19:06,705
Is that everything ? No, the sink !
261
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:14,409
There we are. It's not the kitchen one
but it will have to do.
262
00:19:14,553 --> 00:19:19,388
Wallpaper !
Will they have wallpaper in Doncaster ?
263
00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:22,255
Better safe than sorry. It's the north, isn't it ?
264
00:19:22,394 --> 00:19:26,956
They've probably ripped theirs down and put it
into a hotpot or made it into clogs.
265
00:19:28,433 --> 00:19:29,957
Good !
266
00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:34,230
Eddie ! Could you give me a hand
with these suitcases ?
267
00:19:34,373 --> 00:19:35,635
Wagh !
268
00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:42,612
Good. Saved a bit of time, too.
269
00:19:43,615 --> 00:19:46,345
Eddie, what are you doing ?
270
00:19:46,485 --> 00:19:49,249
I'm sewing my legs back on.
271
00:19:49,388 --> 00:19:52,721
I thought you were masturbating again.
272
00:19:55,360 --> 00:20:00,457
Bugger. I've sewn them on
the wrong way round !
273
00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:05,195
Must I do everything myself ?
All right. Here we go.
274
00:20:05,337 --> 00:20:09,740
I'll chop your legs off again
I'll sew 'em back on
275
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,934
Clench !
276
00:20:12,077 --> 00:20:14,375
Agh !
277
00:20:15,514 --> 00:20:18,506
Come on. Spit spot. Give me
the needle. Give me the thread.
278
00:20:18,650 --> 00:20:21,551
It's not a hobby of mine this, you know !
279
00:20:27,326 --> 00:20:30,022
Don't let it happen again.
280
00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:35,291
I nearly kissed you on the knob then !
281
00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:43,370
Right. The coach leaves at midnight.
What time is it now ?
282
00:20:44,376 --> 00:20:46,469
- Five o'clock.
- Right. Thanks.
283
00:20:46,612 --> 00:20:49,911
So that only gives us seven hours.
Oh, God, I hope we don't miss it !
284
00:20:50,048 --> 00:20:55,611
Right. Set the clock. Just keep
your eye on the clock all the time.
285
00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:59,117
It's only seven hours.
286
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:02,489
Did I pack ?! Yes, of course I did !
287
00:21:03,762 --> 00:21:06,026
That's an easy mistake to make !
288
00:21:06,164 --> 00:21:09,463
- Are you packed ?
- Certainly am.
289
00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:12,126
Never had any complaints.
290
00:21:13,372 --> 00:21:16,170
I mean, are you packed for the holiday ?
291
00:21:16,308 --> 00:21:20,745
- Oh, yes. That as well.
- Good. Where are your bags ?
292
00:21:20,879 --> 00:21:25,077
I haven't got any bags.
I am wearing everything I need.
293
00:21:25,217 --> 00:21:27,845
Well, everything I have, actually.
294
00:21:27,986 --> 00:21:30,011
But, Eddie...
295
00:21:31,923 --> 00:21:34,619
What about spares ?
296
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,126
I'm wearing them as well.
297
00:21:37,262 --> 00:21:39,924
Are you mad ? What if you have an accident ?
298
00:21:40,065 --> 00:21:42,329
I'll go to the hospital.
299
00:21:42,467 --> 00:21:44,765
No. I mean a trouser accident.
300
00:21:44,903 --> 00:21:46,495
Well, I'll wear yours.
301
00:21:46,638 --> 00:21:50,301
I'm in mine !
Oh, enough mindless trouser banter !
302
00:21:50,442 --> 00:21:52,034
Have you got the wind break ?
303
00:21:52,177 --> 00:21:55,908
No, it's just the way
my underpants were ironed.
304
00:21:56,048 --> 00:21:58,380
What about that thing that keeps the wind out ?
305
00:21:58,517 --> 00:22:02,977
- What, a cork ?
- It's getting too trouserial around here !
306
00:22:03,121 --> 00:22:09,321
For God's sake, just concentrate on the clock !
Just concentrate on it ! Oh, God !
307
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:14,322
Oh, God ! Have I done everything ?
308
00:22:14,466 --> 00:22:17,128
Uh ! Oh ! Milk !
309
00:22:17,269 --> 00:22:19,794
Milk !
310
00:22:19,938 --> 00:22:22,429
Thank God I remembered !
311
00:22:26,411 --> 00:22:28,572
Sorry, Constable !
312
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:34,846
Charming ! It's no wonder programmes
like "The Bill" take the piss out of you !
313
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,880
How are you doing ? Still feeling tense ?
314
00:22:39,024 --> 00:22:42,357
- Increasingly so.
- Good. Keep it that way.
315
00:22:42,494 --> 00:22:44,894
Look, look !
316
00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:48,488
There's only six hours 58 minutes to go now !
317
00:22:48,633 --> 00:22:53,468
I suggest we just sit here quietly in silence
318
00:22:53,605 --> 00:22:57,507
and wait for our holiday to start, OK ?
319
00:23:03,482 --> 00:23:06,747
How long does it take to get to the bus station ?
320
00:23:06,885 --> 00:23:09,513
Hang on. I'll go and find out.
321
00:23:09,654 --> 00:23:11,952
Thanks, Eddie.
322
00:23:15,527 --> 00:23:18,860
Haven't quite got used to these legs yet.
323
00:23:20,098 --> 00:23:23,295
I'll just take my darts in case.
324
00:23:26,371 --> 00:23:28,965
Come on ! Come on !
325
00:23:35,847 --> 00:23:38,111
There you go.
326
00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:40,218
Three hours and 15 minutes.
327
00:23:40,352 --> 00:23:44,880
I don't understand it.
The bus station's only two streets away.
328
00:23:45,023 --> 00:23:48,356
Yeah, well... Hic ! The wind was against me.
329
00:23:48,493 --> 00:23:51,360
Isn't it always, young man ?
330
00:23:51,496 --> 00:23:56,832
All right. I'll give it a go.
On your marks, get set, go, baby !
331
00:23:59,471 --> 00:24:00,904
A-ha-ha !
332
00:24:04,476 --> 00:24:09,937
There you are, Eddie.
Twelve and a half minutes !...Eddie ?
333
00:24:10,081 --> 00:24:16,179
Eddie ? What's this ? It's a note.
334
00:24:16,321 --> 00:24:24,160
"Der Richie. I am in the pube
with the holiday monkey. Run, run, run !"
335
00:24:26,498 --> 00:24:29,797
Poor sad git !
336
00:24:29,935 --> 00:24:34,634
Oh, no ! He means the holiday money !
Shit ! Shit !
337
00:24:42,214 --> 00:24:44,614
You've been drinking, haven't you ?
338
00:24:44,749 --> 00:24:47,343
How dare you ?
339
00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:51,616
How dare you accuse me of drinking-ninge ?
340
00:24:51,756 --> 00:24:57,388
Me, your oldest pal and matey old skip !
341
00:24:57,529 --> 00:25:03,764
Old bus fart tram ticket,
one-for-the-road bag of scratchings !
342
00:25:03,902 --> 00:25:08,339
Oops-a-daisy ! We'll keep a welcome
in the valet parking
343
00:25:08,473 --> 00:25:11,340
Mr David "childish" Jensen !
344
00:25:11,476 --> 00:25:14,934
ME, drinking-ninge ?
345
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:18,675
Why, I'll tear you limb from limb !
346
00:25:24,189 --> 00:25:26,657
You have, haven't you ?
347
00:25:26,825 --> 00:25:28,759
Yeah.
348
00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:31,420
Well, you listen to me, young man.
349
00:25:31,563 --> 00:25:36,500
Listen up, mister, and listen up good,
'cause you're grounded !
350
00:25:37,903 --> 00:25:39,370
Yeah, I know.
351
00:25:39,504 --> 00:25:43,065
Eddie, how could you do this
on our holiday day ?
352
00:25:43,208 --> 00:25:47,201
Concentrate ! You've just got
to stay sober for the next five minutes.
353
00:25:47,345 --> 00:25:50,872
That's when our holiday starts ! Eddie !
354
00:25:51,016 --> 00:25:52,483
Eddie !
355
00:25:52,617 --> 00:25:54,107
Eddie !
356
00:26:01,660 --> 00:26:04,561
E... D... D... I... E !
357
00:26:04,696 --> 00:26:07,824
H... I... T... L... E... R !
358
00:26:07,966 --> 00:26:10,093
FULL STOP !
359
00:26:26,351 --> 00:26:31,721
Please, God ! I just want to look
at Desmond Lynam's todger !
360
00:26:31,856 --> 00:26:36,418
Help me out this once and I'll
believe in you for ever and ever.
361
00:26:39,631 --> 00:26:42,623
Bloody hell, it's working !
362
00:26:47,906 --> 00:26:50,170
Only kidding !
363
00:26:55,513 --> 00:26:57,504
Wow !
364
00:26:59,985 --> 00:27:02,215
Don't get off the sofa !
365
00:27:05,490 --> 00:27:08,550
Oh, dear, oh, dear, Richie.
366
00:27:08,693 --> 00:27:13,426
The frigidaire appears
to have fallen upon your bonce.
367
00:27:13,565 --> 00:27:16,796
You won't be able to go
on the holiday now, will you ?
368
00:27:18,470 --> 00:27:24,375
Don't worry. I'm sure I can find
an alternative use for your ticket.
369
00:27:26,344 --> 00:27:30,371
Come out of there, voluptua of dubious morals !
370
00:27:30,515 --> 00:27:35,179
Let us hurry us to Hammersmith bus station.
We have but three minutes to go.
371
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:40,019
I can't wait to get to Bridlington
for the snogging and mindless drinking !
372
00:27:40,158 --> 00:27:42,956
That's my bird !
373
00:27:43,094 --> 00:27:48,327
You bastard, Eddie ! It's not even
Desmond Lynam. It's you in a wig !
374
00:27:48,466 --> 00:27:51,833
- You bastard !
- Yep, that's me !
30526
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