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1
00:00:35,101 --> 00:00:38,502
Here it is ! It's arrived !
2
00:00:38,638 --> 00:00:41,869
- What ?
- It's arrived !
3
00:00:42,008 --> 00:00:43,839
Fantastic !
4
00:00:46,613 --> 00:00:49,047
It gets so hot in the kitchen !
5
00:00:49,182 --> 00:00:53,983
Here we are. "Spot the Ball
Competition, page 13."
6
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,610
Lucky 13 !
7
00:00:55,755 --> 00:00:58,451
- And the winner is...
- Yes, yes, yes !
8
00:00:58,591 --> 00:01:03,824
"Mr T. Venables, Wembley Stadium, London."
9
00:01:03,963 --> 00:01:07,091
Bastard ! He wins every week !
10
00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:09,997
I think he might be the photographer.
11
00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:14,740
Look ! His balls have got to be THERE !
12
00:01:14,874 --> 00:01:18,640
They're underneath his shorts.
I drew 'em in, both of 'em.
13
00:01:18,778 --> 00:01:23,647
They can't be in the goal mouth,
unless it's a ladies' match.
14
00:01:23,783 --> 00:01:26,183
No, it's just a perm.
15
00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:30,278
That's another 25 quids' worth
of postal orders down the Swanee !
16
00:01:30,423 --> 00:01:32,584
Maybe they mean the football.
17
00:01:33,493 --> 00:01:36,621
Don't be stupid !
18
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:40,221
That could be anywhere !
19
00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:46,398
Use your head, Eddie. Honestly !
If I wasn't here, where would you be ?
20
00:01:47,907 --> 00:01:49,374
In the pub.
21
00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:52,710
Mentally, where would you be ?
22
00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:56,009
Inside Maria Whitaker's bra.
23
00:01:58,485 --> 00:02:02,888
- Nice venue. Can I tag along ?
- You haven't got the bus fare !
24
00:02:03,022 --> 00:02:07,015
Besides, you lost all your money
on that competition.
25
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:11,119
I knew I was pissed off. Good.
I'm back on track. I'm depressed.
26
00:02:11,264 --> 00:02:15,428
Thanks. I feel great now. Shit, no !
I'm supposed to be depressed.
27
00:02:15,568 --> 00:02:21,507
You twat ! Everything's just gone
to bollocks. I don't know where I am now !
28
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:24,804
And it's only half-past eight in the morning !
29
00:02:24,944 --> 00:02:27,936
Never mind about all that. How's your sausage ?
30
00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:35,479
It's a bit personal, isn't it ?
31
00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:37,886
- Oh, you mean my sausage !
- Yes.
32
00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:40,424
- You asked about my sausage ?
- Yes.
33
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,427
- Not my penis ?
- No.
34
00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:48,694
Thank heavens for that !
What can I tell you ? It's an absolute disaster !
35
00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:51,463
I just can't get the hang of this cooking lark.
36
00:02:51,604 --> 00:02:55,540
You put the sausage in the pan,
set it on fire, and what happens ?
37
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,506
It gets incinerated.
38
00:02:57,644 --> 00:03:00,613
Maybe we should we eat our flakes ?
39
00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:06,385
I see what you mean.
40
00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:10,421
I think I'm getting double entendre disease !
41
00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:13,185
Can I drink your juice ?
42
00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:22,860
Yes, of course. Go ahead.
I think I'm going mad this morning !
43
00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:29,102
Someone's giving our knocker
a damn good banging.
44
00:03:29,242 --> 00:03:31,506
I'd better go and see who it is.
45
00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:34,841
I'll grab my sausage
and give it a good seeing to !
46
00:03:38,851 --> 00:03:43,151
Agh ! Richie ! There's three
small devils at the front door !
47
00:03:43,289 --> 00:03:48,386
It's the drinking. You've got the DTs.
Have a Resolve. They're not there.
48
00:03:48,528 --> 00:03:51,122
- Trick or treat, mister.
- What ?
49
00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:53,630
Trick or treat, you bald-headed bastard.
50
00:03:53,766 --> 00:03:58,897
I'm sorry, I don't speak Child.
What do you mean ?
51
00:03:59,038 --> 00:04:02,735
- I mean give us some sweets.
- I can't give you sweets.
52
00:04:02,875 --> 00:04:05,002
I'll get arrested ! Where's the camera ?
53
00:04:05,144 --> 00:04:08,875
It'll have to be a trick, then.
Give it to him, Damian.
54
00:04:09,015 --> 00:04:11,882
- Give me what ?
- Too late, weirdo !
55
00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:15,784
- Aagh !
- He's got to stop the drinking !
56
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:22,851
Here we are. Seven eggs,
washing up liquid, hint of Domestos...
57
00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:29,324
Jif Micro Liquid, where are you ?
58
00:04:29,469 --> 00:04:32,404
Here I am !
59
00:04:32,538 --> 00:04:36,065
Secret ingredient - ant spray.
60
00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:48,413
That is the most violent
hallucination I've ever had.
61
00:04:48,554 --> 00:04:52,888
Bloody hell, Eddie !
You'd better get this down you.
62
00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:02,867
Up the nose or not at all !
63
00:05:13,713 --> 00:05:16,375
This is gonna bloody well work !
64
00:05:18,751 --> 00:05:21,151
God !
65
00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:25,314
If we'd known it was Hallowe'en,
we could have made an absolute fortune !
66
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:35,893
- Eddie...
- Yeah ?
67
00:05:36,035 --> 00:05:39,232
Why are you dressed as a banana ?
68
00:05:40,239 --> 00:05:45,871
- They had no pumpkin outfits left.
- Then, you'll have to make pumpkin noises.
69
00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:47,309
All right.
70
00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:50,041
Whoo... Whoo... !
71
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:53,675
- Just be mute.
- A mute pumpkin or a mute banana ?
72
00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:56,653
Shut up ! It doesn't matter !
73
00:05:56,789 --> 00:06:01,351
This is the plan -
Richie and Eddie's big Hallowe'en party.
74
00:06:01,494 --> 00:06:05,396
Plenty of booze and jugged-up babes.
Shaggy, shaggy, shag !
75
00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:10,366
- That's it. What do you think ?
- Legendary ! Awesome ! Fiendish !
76
00:06:10,503 --> 00:06:14,633
All right. Go easy on the praise.
I don't want to rip me tights !
77
00:06:14,774 --> 00:06:18,835
Right. There's only one snag -
zero cash - hence the great outfits.
78
00:06:18,978 --> 00:06:24,109
This is the plan. You go out. You go
to the first door. You ring the bell.
79
00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:26,912
They answer. You say, "Trick or treat ?"
80
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:29,886
I thought I was mute.
81
00:06:30,022 --> 00:06:34,254
All right. On this occasion,
you can be a talking Hallowe'en banana.
82
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:37,625
Okey-dokey ! What do I say ?
83
00:06:37,764 --> 00:06:41,860
You say, "Trick or treat ? Just cash. No sweets !"
84
00:06:42,001 --> 00:06:46,404
If they give us any trouble,
I blast them with the electric cattle prod.
85
00:06:46,539 --> 00:06:48,131
Where is it, by the way ?
86
00:06:48,274 --> 00:06:51,266
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-hahaha !
87
00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:55,839
Here it is !
88
00:06:55,982 --> 00:07:00,009
I say, Eddie. That looks the business.
89
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:03,316
- Does it work ?
- Yes, indeedy !
90
00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:04,889
Yeah !
91
00:07:05,024 --> 00:07:07,288
Yeah !
92
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,658
- How do you switch it on ?
- That little lever there.
93
00:07:21,874 --> 00:07:26,675
Right, that's it. Decision made.
I'll have to wear the green tights now.
94
00:07:26,813 --> 00:07:29,543
What a sweet old lady.
95
00:07:29,682 --> 00:07:32,674
She was once we'd hit her
with a cricket bat.
96
00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:36,846
- Still, "Honi soit qui mal y pense !"
- Whatever that means !
97
00:07:36,989 --> 00:07:39,514
We made two apples out of it.
98
00:07:39,659 --> 00:07:45,495
- Why are there razor blades in them ?
- It's a Hallowe'en tradition.
99
00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:48,327
Here we are. Chief Mangosuthu
Buthelezi cul-de-sac !
100
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,369
They're loaded here. This is where we clean up !
101
00:07:51,504 --> 00:07:54,530
It's a great night for it !
102
00:07:54,674 --> 00:07:57,700
It's a pity we're out trick or treating.
103
00:07:57,844 --> 00:08:01,803
I never listen to you.
That's what's keeping my morale up.
104
00:08:01,948 --> 00:08:04,610
I thought you'd got
your tights on the wrong way round.
105
00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:07,480
Top banter ! Let's go.
106
00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:12,887
Crikey bikey, cork yer bum, Richie !
It's those kids that did me over this morning !
107
00:08:13,025 --> 00:08:15,516
Let's smoke another pack of ciggies.
108
00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:21,429
They're just little kids. I reckon
we could get a win out of this one !
109
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:24,866
- Come on !
- Yeah ! All for one and one for all !
110
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:28,303
- You go first. I've got a bad leg.
- OK.
111
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:31,738
Ugh !
112
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,754
It's going very well ! Keep watching.
113
00:08:48,928 --> 00:08:50,953
Take that !
114
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:55,693
- How much did we get ?
- 20p off the incontinent girl.
115
00:08:55,835 --> 00:08:58,133
Five bottles of Malibu off the banana.
116
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:00,899
Not bad !
117
00:09:03,809 --> 00:09:06,937
Let that be a lesson to you !
118
00:09:07,079 --> 00:09:09,240
They'll think twice before they attack us again !
119
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:12,476
Well, they know we haven't got any money left.
120
00:09:12,618 --> 00:09:18,386
Little bastards ! Did you see me
hitting that really little one ?
121
00:09:18,524 --> 00:09:20,389
No.
122
00:09:20,526 --> 00:09:24,587
I'll make up a great story about it
and tell it when you're drunk.
123
00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:29,360
On to our next victim !
Here we go. Ring the bell.
124
00:09:31,971 --> 00:09:34,030
Hello, Eddie.
125
00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:36,038
- Hello, Spudgun.
- Hello, Richie.
126
00:09:36,175 --> 00:09:39,770
Yes, hello Are we going to do this or not ?
127
00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:43,746
- But it's Spudgun !
- Just say it to him, Eddie !
128
00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:47,408
- Trick or treat ?
- What does that mean ?
129
00:09:47,553 --> 00:09:50,249
Give us some cash. No credit cards.
130
00:09:50,389 --> 00:09:53,722
- Why ?
- Because it's the end of October.
131
00:09:53,859 --> 00:09:58,853
- I don't understand.
- We haven't got all night !
132
00:09:58,998 --> 00:10:01,193
We've got the whole street to do !
133
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:05,031
I've got my tights on, Eddie's
wearing a banana - just give us some cash !
134
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:08,265
Are you on drugs ? Can I have some ?
135
00:10:08,407 --> 00:10:12,537
Right... We don't seem to be
getting through, do we ?
136
00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:17,178
- Eddie...
- Yep ?
137
00:10:17,316 --> 00:10:21,218
- Where's the cattle prod ?
- Here it is.
138
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:24,983
- Right. Give it to me.
- I beg your pardon ?
139
00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:29,185
- I SAID GIVE IT TO ME !
- Righto !
140
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,997
Bear with me.
141
00:10:43,242 --> 00:10:46,769
That's not how we rehearsed it, you know !
142
00:10:49,548 --> 00:10:53,644
What I want to know is,
why when you say "Trick or treat",
143
00:10:53,786 --> 00:10:55,720
he has to foul himself ?
144
00:10:57,323 --> 00:11:02,488
I think it may be
a deep subconscious desire to amuse.
145
00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:08,931
She's back !
146
00:11:10,736 --> 00:11:14,365
It's got to work this time.
This is my last pair of tights.
147
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:17,271
I knew I should have bought the bumper pack !
148
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,401
- Eddie, hand me...
- Hand ?
149
00:11:19,545 --> 00:11:25,643
HAND me the cattle prod ! Come on.
Let's do it properly. In, in !
150
00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:29,516
I ring the bell. Open the door.
I say "Trick or treat ?"
151
00:11:29,655 --> 00:11:32,055
- You give me the cash.
- I'm still not sure.
152
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:37,151
Get on with it, you great vat
of dripping ! Close the door !
153
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:47,537
- Trick or ruddy treat ?
- I thought that was MY line !
154
00:11:47,673 --> 00:11:53,305
God ! Who'd be an eight-year-old ?
Are you going to give us some money or not ?
155
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:54,708
No.
156
00:11:54,847 --> 00:11:57,543
How do you switch this bloody thing on ?
157
00:11:57,683 --> 00:11:59,913
That little lever there.
158
00:12:13,532 --> 00:12:17,992
Eddie, you know this is
my last pair of tights, don't you ?
159
00:12:18,137 --> 00:12:20,196
Yeah, well, let's go this way.
160
00:12:20,339 --> 00:12:23,740
As long as we head into the wind,
we'll be all right.
161
00:12:23,876 --> 00:12:26,845
Eddie, if any of this ever gets out...
162
00:12:26,979 --> 00:12:28,776
No, not that !
163
00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:31,405
Come on. I've got to go home.
164
00:12:31,550 --> 00:12:35,316
We've only made half a Curly Wurly,
two apples full of razor blades
165
00:12:35,454 --> 00:12:37,217
and four summonses !
166
00:12:37,356 --> 00:12:40,883
- That's not enough for a party !
- Are you having a party ?
167
00:12:41,026 --> 00:12:44,484
- Can I come ?
- Yeah. We're having a party.
168
00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:47,394
- You have to give some beer money.
- How much ?
169
00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:49,330
Five grand.
170
00:12:49,468 --> 00:12:51,299
It's a bit steep.
171
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,837
- How much have you got ?
- �2.50.
172
00:12:53,973 --> 00:12:59,104
You're in. Bring all your friends.
They have to chip in as well. �2.50.
173
00:12:59,245 --> 00:13:02,078
We're going to make a fortune out of this !
174
00:13:02,214 --> 00:13:06,617
Let's find a supermarket trolley
and you can wheel me home.
175
00:13:06,752 --> 00:13:12,247
Bloody cattle prod ! I don't know
how these cattle get about !
176
00:13:12,391 --> 00:13:15,019
No wonder they all live in the country !
177
00:13:15,161 --> 00:13:19,689
I can't see any more ! Mind if I go in front ?
178
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:28,901
How's the home brew coming along ?
179
00:13:29,041 --> 00:13:34,604
It's only been on the go for 45 minutes,
so it must be nearly ready.
180
00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:40,910
Not bad ! Is that bitter or lager ?
181
00:13:41,053 --> 00:13:44,784
It's hard to tell,
but it's taking the enamel off the bath.
182
00:13:44,924 --> 00:13:47,415
That reminds me.
Have you hollowed out your pumpkins ?
183
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,619
I beg your pardon ?
184
00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:54,324
Oh, you mean the vegetable !
They didn't have any pumpkins left.
185
00:13:54,466 --> 00:13:57,902
- They only had carrots.
- Have you hollowed them out ?
186
00:13:58,037 --> 00:14:01,905
- Are they shit-your-pants scary ?
- Yes, indeedy.
187
00:14:02,041 --> 00:14:04,669
Da-da-da !
188
00:14:07,112 --> 00:14:11,105
Whoo ! Whoo !
189
00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:13,514
Head butt !
190
00:14:13,652 --> 00:14:17,554
It's not terribly scary, is it, Eddie ?
191
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:21,421
- Light the taper, Richie !
- Okey-dokey.
192
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:26,327
Not too close to the home brew.
It's a little on the volatile side !
193
00:14:27,766 --> 00:14:29,666
Here we go.
194
00:14:34,073 --> 00:14:36,439
Here goes.
195
00:14:36,575 --> 00:14:39,669
I'd stand back if I were you.
196
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:49,184
Bloody brilliant, Eddie ! Yeah ! Got any more ?
197
00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:52,757
Mais oui, mon brave !
198
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:56,293
- What ?
- Certainement, mon general !
199
00:14:56,428 --> 00:14:59,420
Christ ! He's gone all Welsh on me again !
200
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:03,296
Have you got
any more exploding carrots ?
201
00:15:03,435 --> 00:15:06,962
Certainly, monsieur !
202
00:15:07,106 --> 00:15:09,472
Bloody hell, Eddie !
203
00:15:09,608 --> 00:15:12,668
I've just got to finish
my Sprouts Mexicaine, and we're all set !
204
00:15:12,811 --> 00:15:14,608
Sprouts Mexicaine ?
205
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:17,113
Sprouts Mexicaine !
206
00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:19,649
What's that ?
207
00:15:19,785 --> 00:15:22,879
Sprouts, pinch of chilli powder,
208
00:15:23,022 --> 00:15:26,287
jar of curry powder, hint of Tabasco sauce...
209
00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:30,384
Three bottles, actually. Not a hint,
more of a party political broadcast.
210
00:15:30,529 --> 00:15:32,759
And the secret ingredient - gunpowder !
211
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:37,693
- Sprouts ?!
- They were left over from Christmas.
212
00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:40,566
Da-da-da-da !
213
00:15:40,706 --> 00:15:44,039
- But it's October !
- Yes, I know.
214
00:15:44,176 --> 00:15:50,046
They were a bit frisky,
but the spices will cover any embarrassment !
215
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:53,577
It's ready !
216
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,052
There they are.
217
00:16:00,326 --> 00:16:02,055
Fancy a taste, Eddie ?
218
00:16:02,194 --> 00:16:06,597
I would rather cut off my penis
with a rusty bread knife.
219
00:16:06,732 --> 00:16:10,395
Ooh, hark at Egon Ronay !
I'm not scared. Watch this !
220
00:16:25,217 --> 00:16:28,243
What time is it ?
221
00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:31,618
What place of man ?
222
00:16:32,791 --> 00:16:37,888
- Eddie, how long was I out ?
- About an hour and a half.
223
00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:42,467
What ? Crikey, look at the time.
They'll be here in a minute !
224
00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:44,660
Here it comes !
225
00:16:47,773 --> 00:16:49,638
Must get that clock fixed !
226
00:16:49,775 --> 00:16:54,212
- Here they are ! I'll answer the door.
227
00:16:57,516 --> 00:16:59,814
Strange.
228
00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:02,318
What was that ?
229
00:17:02,454 --> 00:17:04,979
Very warm in here, isn't it ?
230
00:17:05,124 --> 00:17:08,184
I'll answer the door.
Man the ticket booth, Eddie !
231
00:17:08,327 --> 00:17:10,955
Should I have a cap to show my authority ?
232
00:17:11,096 --> 00:17:14,725
No. I'll just give 'em one of my looks !
233
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:17,563
Welcome one and welcome all !
234
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:23,903
Christ ! Dave Hedgehog and Spudgun !
I told you to bring your friends !
235
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,739
We only know Eddie, and he's here anyway.
236
00:17:27,813 --> 00:17:31,647
- Come on. �2.50 !
- I've only got eight pence.
237
00:17:32,651 --> 00:17:37,145
I can't do the maths, but that means
you can only stay for 45 seconds ! Come in.
238
00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:45,253
Anybody else want to come ?
239
00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:47,490
Birds !
240
00:17:48,867 --> 00:17:52,997
- Hello, Eddie.
- Hiya, boys. This is the devil's brew.
241
00:17:53,138 --> 00:17:56,107
You didn't bring any lead tankards
with you, did you ?
242
00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:59,267
- All the cups keep dissolving.
- No.
243
00:17:59,411 --> 00:18:04,075
We'll have to use the pans, then.
There you go. Help yourself.
244
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,548
Cheers !
245
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:11,949
Ooh ! Cheeky little number !
246
00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:17,862
That's it. It has a certain
robustness that demands attention.
247
00:18:17,996 --> 00:18:20,794
Possibly medical.
248
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:25,063
Well, welcome to the shag-athon
249
00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:29,004
Who's first for the snog, then ?
250
00:18:29,141 --> 00:18:34,841
You'd think on Hallowe'en of all nights,
I might get a feel-up at least !
251
00:18:34,980 --> 00:18:37,642
Oh, God, who'd be a Christian ?
252
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,877
I've only got to sell my soul to the devil
253
00:18:41,019 --> 00:18:43,783
and I could get 25 years
of amazing sex and cash !
254
00:18:43,922 --> 00:18:47,050
Richie, you'd be lucky to get 25p !
255
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:52,121
That's it ! It's perfect !
256
00:18:55,734 --> 00:18:58,726
I'm going to raise the devil !
257
00:19:00,439 --> 00:19:04,000
In actual fact, I haven't been
to church for years,
258
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:07,977
and when I did go, I found it rather boring !
259
00:19:08,113 --> 00:19:12,447
- What will you do if he gets here ?
- Something satanic and devilly !
260
00:19:12,584 --> 00:19:16,611
- Like trick or treating
- No ! Like...
261
00:19:16,755 --> 00:19:19,883
- Watching "Emmerdale" !
- Yeah ! No, no !
262
00:19:20,025 --> 00:19:25,588
- Taking him down the pub.
- No, no ! Something supremely evil.
263
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:30,225
Like blowing off in a phone booth
and running away ?
264
00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:34,430
- Yes. That's much more the feel.
- What does the devil drink ?
265
00:19:34,573 --> 00:19:37,906
- It's blood, isn't it ?
- Yeah. Virgin's blood.
266
00:19:44,049 --> 00:19:47,644
No, no ! It's virgin GIRL'S blood !
267
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:53,256
Good. Sorted.
268
00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:56,384
- Anyone know any virgin girls ?
- No.
269
00:19:56,528 --> 00:19:59,122
- Anyone know any girls ?
- No.
270
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:01,960
Come on, Eddie. What about
Ethel Cardew, your paramour ?
271
00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:04,000
She is neither a virgin
272
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:06,832
nor, technically speaking, a girl.
273
00:20:06,972 --> 00:20:10,373
Besides which, she hasn't spoken
to me since the Superglue incident.
274
00:20:10,509 --> 00:20:13,672
She hasn't spoken to anyone much, actually !
275
00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:20,642
Shut up ! This is a bloody good idea !
We find out the secret incantation,
276
00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:25,280
raise him up, swing the deal,
and I'll be shagging by half-past two !
277
00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:29,884
Make a pentangle. I'll look up
the secret devil-raising incantation
278
00:20:30,028 --> 00:20:32,826
in my "Ladybird Book of Witches" !
279
00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:36,958
Look lively ! I'll buy you
all a drink after me first shag !
280
00:20:40,772 --> 00:20:43,570
Anyone got any pens ?
281
00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:45,677
I've got a pencil.
282
00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:48,405
It'll have to be a penciltangle, then.
283
00:20:56,488 --> 00:20:59,548
Come on ! You're supposed
to be devil-worshippers.
284
00:20:59,691 --> 00:21:02,558
- You sound like you're watching QPR !
- Careful !
285
00:21:02,694 --> 00:21:07,063
You couldn't raise a gnat's erection,
let alone the Prince of Darkness !
286
00:21:07,199 --> 00:21:09,167
Put your backs into it !
287
00:21:11,670 --> 00:21:17,108
Oh, blimey ! Oh, blimey ! Right, Eddie...
288
00:21:18,777 --> 00:21:22,269
- Eddie !
- What is it ?
289
00:21:22,414 --> 00:21:24,746
Have you got the chalice ?
290
00:21:24,883 --> 00:21:29,320
No, it's just the way me dressing gown's
rucked up round me waist.
291
00:21:29,488 --> 00:21:32,548
Why are we wearing dressing gowns ?
We look stupid !
292
00:21:32,658 --> 00:21:35,752
They're not dressing gowns, anus,
they're cowls.
293
00:21:35,894 --> 00:21:38,522
What kind of devil-worshippers are you ?
294
00:21:38,664 --> 00:21:41,292
Ones that don't like dressing gowns.
295
00:21:41,433 --> 00:21:45,597
- Do we get slippers ?
- Not when you're raising the evil one !
296
00:21:45,737 --> 00:21:48,069
Never mind. I'll get the chalice meself !
297
00:21:48,206 --> 00:21:50,572
- No, I'll go.
- Don't bother yourself.
298
00:21:50,709 --> 00:21:53,473
I'll get it, but don't expect
to get any spare off me
299
00:21:53,612 --> 00:21:58,242
when I've got 17 birds bouncing
up and down on top of me non-stop !
300
00:22:00,719 --> 00:22:03,586
Right. Here we go.
301
00:22:03,722 --> 00:22:05,815
Oh...
302
00:22:07,025 --> 00:22:10,392
- Ohhh... !
- Ohh...
303
00:22:10,529 --> 00:22:13,692
- O mighty one...
- Oh, blimey !
304
00:22:13,832 --> 00:22:18,394
...we ask you to come up from, er...
305
00:22:20,305 --> 00:22:23,240
...from wherever it is...
306
00:22:23,375 --> 00:22:29,007
Unless someone else has called you up,
in which case, come across from there.
307
00:22:29,147 --> 00:22:32,310
Come across. Pop across.
308
00:22:32,451 --> 00:22:39,118
We show our dedication to your cause
by eating the sprouts of evil !
309
00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:47,657
- Oh ! Spudgun !
- What ?
310
00:22:49,901 --> 00:22:52,096
Dave Hedgehog.
311
00:22:54,573 --> 00:22:57,007
- Eddie...
- Absolutely not !
312
00:23:01,413 --> 00:23:03,506
And finally...
313
00:23:04,950 --> 00:23:07,475
Cor blimey ! Here goes !
314
00:23:28,473 --> 00:23:30,441
Where am I ?
315
00:23:30,575 --> 00:23:32,805
I think we're in Kuwait.
316
00:23:38,917 --> 00:23:42,478
- Are we in hell ?
- No, it's worse.
317
00:23:42,621 --> 00:23:44,919
We're still in the flat !
318
00:23:45,056 --> 00:23:48,651
- Where's the devil, then ?
- He'll turn up at midnight, won't he ?!
319
00:23:48,794 --> 00:23:50,921
Why does he always come out at midnight ?
320
00:23:51,062 --> 00:23:53,622
It's chucking out time, isn't it !
321
00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:59,499
Shut up ! Look. Regard the clock.
Here it comes ! Here it comes !
322
00:24:00,906 --> 00:24:03,875
- Bloody clock !
323
00:24:07,245 --> 00:24:08,974
Agh !
324
00:24:17,055 --> 00:24:19,990
- That'll be him !
- Hey, hey...
325
00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:22,855
Speak of the devil
326
00:24:22,994 --> 00:24:26,794
I don't want to hear any language
like that, young man !
327
00:24:26,932 --> 00:24:30,891
And I don't want anyone saying,
"Hi ! Feeling horny ?"
328
00:24:31,036 --> 00:24:33,869
This is the big one. This is Mr Scary Pants !
329
00:24:34,005 --> 00:24:38,999
In 25 years, I'll probably have
no knob left from over-use !
330
00:24:39,144 --> 00:24:41,374
So what's new ?
331
00:24:41,513 --> 00:24:44,573
I'll go and let him in. Best behaviour, everyone !
332
00:24:44,716 --> 00:24:50,655
No ! Worst behaviour, actually.
Start swearing and picking your noses !
333
00:24:50,789 --> 00:24:53,690
God ! What a night to get a Guy Fawkes bottom !
334
00:24:57,195 --> 00:25:00,255
Agh !
335
00:25:01,967 --> 00:25:04,595
Good evening, O great one.
336
00:25:04,736 --> 00:25:08,172
Hello. I'm looking for little Dave Hedgehog.
337
00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:11,639
- What ?
- Dave Hedgehog.
338
00:25:11,776 --> 00:25:14,108
Oh... ah... he's...
339
00:25:15,780 --> 00:25:19,375
He's residing within
the drawing room, Your Blackness.
340
00:25:19,518 --> 00:25:22,487
Would you like to come through ?
341
00:25:22,621 --> 00:25:26,580
Did you have a nice journey up ?
Can I get you a glass of sherry ?
342
00:25:30,228 --> 00:25:31,718
Sorry, Rich.
343
00:25:31,863 --> 00:25:36,732
Well done, acolytes. You've made it
nice and homely for His Naughtiness !
344
00:25:36,868 --> 00:25:40,133
Put that out, you arsehead.
We still owe on that !
345
00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:44,399
Oh, look at me. What am I thinking of ?
346
00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:50,004
O great, mighty evilness smell,
these are my acolytes...
347
00:25:52,717 --> 00:25:57,677
- Don't have the sprouts.
- I've only just put that out !
348
00:25:57,822 --> 00:26:03,727
And, acolytes, this is... I'm sorry.
How do you like to be called ?
349
00:26:03,862 --> 00:26:05,193
Doreen.
350
00:26:05,330 --> 00:26:08,356
This is... Doreen !
351
00:26:08,500 --> 00:26:12,368
- There's evil !
- I've come for Dave Hedgehog. Is he here ?
352
00:26:12,504 --> 00:26:15,166
He's hiding behind the home brew.
353
00:26:15,307 --> 00:26:17,138
Dave ! Nemesis !
354
00:26:17,275 --> 00:26:23,271
Agh ! That's me. I'm damned !
I didn't even want to go to a party !
355
00:26:23,415 --> 00:26:26,248
All things bright and beautiful...
356
00:26:26,418 --> 00:26:29,046
Yes, all right. Thank you.
357
00:26:29,154 --> 00:26:33,989
A-hem. There is one bit
of outstanding business,
358
00:26:34,125 --> 00:26:37,322
if I could just prey on your time
for a little longer.
359
00:26:37,462 --> 00:26:39,089
What ?
360
00:26:39,230 --> 00:26:43,496
Get him a drink of blood.
Use your own. It's 90% proof.
361
00:26:43,635 --> 00:26:46,968
Right. If we could shut this deal down now.
362
00:26:47,105 --> 00:26:52,042
What I'm looking for
is a 25-year full-on sex session,
363
00:26:52,177 --> 00:26:56,045
obviously with lots of cash
and other comforts, in return for my soul.
364
00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:03,516
Sorry ! Clench, everyone.
Try not to set fire to the evil one !
365
00:27:04,155 --> 00:27:07,124
- Eddie, don't sneeze !
- A-choo !
366
00:27:11,696 --> 00:27:13,823
There goes the conservatory.
367
00:27:15,734 --> 00:27:19,033
Sorry, Hedgehog. Got a bit of a head cold.
368
00:27:19,170 --> 00:27:24,130
- You've made a big mistake here.
- Yes, I used too much curry powder.
369
00:27:24,275 --> 00:27:28,405
Mum sent me. She doesn't like Dad
being at the loony's after midnight.
370
00:27:28,580 --> 00:27:32,141
- What ?
- I am Doreen Hedgehog.
371
00:27:36,621 --> 00:27:38,555
What ?
372
00:27:39,924 --> 00:27:42,950
Just getting you a drink, Mrs Devil !
373
00:27:43,094 --> 00:27:46,791
Hello, Doreen. I didn't know you were the devil.
374
00:27:46,931 --> 00:27:48,330
Neither did I.
375
00:27:48,466 --> 00:27:51,958
Have you got any tips for the 3.30 at Chepstow ?
376
00:27:52,103 --> 00:27:54,799
- Can we unclench now ?
- Yes. It's Doreen.
377
00:27:56,508 --> 00:27:58,169
That's better !
378
00:27:58,309 --> 00:28:04,908
I don't want to panic anyone,
but I'm rapidly losing conscious...
379
00:28:05,050 --> 00:28:06,642
Here's another one.
380
00:28:06,785 --> 00:28:09,982
- Mind the box of exploding carrots !
- What ?
30673
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