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1
00:00:44,244 --> 00:00:46,678
Whoo !
2
00:00:48,281 --> 00:00:51,045
This is definitely the last ride of the evening.
3
00:00:51,184 --> 00:00:56,451
We've had more than enough fun
working our way through the stalls and attractions.
4
00:00:56,589 --> 00:01:00,685
I think I'm about up to my three-quid limit !
5
00:01:00,827 --> 00:01:02,692
How much did this ride cost ?
6
00:01:02,829 --> 00:01:04,694
Three quid.
7
00:01:04,831 --> 00:01:06,492
There you are ! I was right !
8
00:01:06,633 --> 00:01:11,468
I'd just like another go on the throwing the darts
on the cards thingy.
9
00:01:11,604 --> 00:01:15,904
Well, that's closed
because the proprietor's in the eye hospital.
10
00:01:17,710 --> 00:01:20,076
And the waltzer's closed as well.
11
00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:21,475
Yes !
12
00:01:21,614 --> 00:01:25,015
I had no idea I'd eaten so much !
13
00:01:25,151 --> 00:01:28,143
It went everywhere, didn't it ?
14
00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:31,587
You looked like a sprinkler as you went round.
15
00:01:31,724 --> 00:01:34,750
It was really actually very attractive.
16
00:01:34,894 --> 00:01:38,421
I was awfully lucky to have
that pensioner to stand behind.
17
00:01:38,565 --> 00:01:41,659
She was furious ! You whizzed round three times
18
00:01:41,801 --> 00:01:44,565
and she looked like
The Creature from the Swamp.
19
00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:47,673
I'm not sure all that was mine.
20
00:01:47,807 --> 00:01:51,436
I don't remember eating
all those horrible lumps of gristle.
21
00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:53,637
No, no, no, that was her face.
22
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:57,272
Oh... At least I feel better now,
that's the main thing.
23
00:01:57,417 --> 00:01:58,679
Yes, that's the main thing.
24
00:01:58,818 --> 00:02:04,518
Which is surprising,
considering the Ghost Train unpleasantness.
25
00:02:04,657 --> 00:02:10,095
Ooh, yeah, that was nasty. It wasn't
coming out of your mouth that time !
26
00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:13,495
Well, they shouldn't make 'em
so scary, should they ?
27
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:16,124
It's a lot more scary now, I can tell you !
28
00:02:16,269 --> 00:02:18,567
You need a gas mask to get in there now !
29
00:02:18,705 --> 00:02:21,435
I was lucky the bloke next to me passed out,
30
00:02:21,574 --> 00:02:24,202
or I'd never have got his trousers !
31
00:02:24,344 --> 00:02:26,369
How do they fit, by the way ?
32
00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:29,004
Not bad. Not bad.
33
00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:32,013
You know...
34
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:35,417
I'm not sure he was a bona fide bloke, you know.
35
00:02:35,555 --> 00:02:38,683
They've got a skirty feel, these trousers.
36
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:41,794
I think he may have been Scottish.
37
00:02:41,928 --> 00:02:45,489
- That's all right, then.
- Och aye, whoops a daisy !
38
00:02:45,632 --> 00:02:48,396
The Scottish are allowed to be transvestites.
39
00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:51,561
- That's right.
- We're moving !
40
00:02:51,704 --> 00:02:55,697
For God's sake, don't foul
yourself again. Start screaming !
41
00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:58,606
Agh ! Agh !
42
00:03:01,214 --> 00:03:02,909
Is that it ?!
43
00:03:03,049 --> 00:03:06,883
This is a complete rip-off !
I paid three quid for this !
44
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:10,080
It's bad enough two juveniles
like us having to pay full price !
45
00:03:10,223 --> 00:03:13,056
Calm down. They're just letting more people on.
46
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:16,356
What ? Oh, yes, yes,
47
00:03:16,496 --> 00:03:19,124
I knew that.
48
00:03:19,265 --> 00:03:23,497
Maybe it's those birds that have
been following us around all night !
49
00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:27,834
- What birds ?
- No, no ! Don't look !
50
00:03:27,974 --> 00:03:31,341
It'll show them that we fancy them
and that we're keen.
51
00:03:31,477 --> 00:03:33,604
Yeah, but we are.
52
00:03:33,746 --> 00:03:37,273
Yes, I know that,
but we don't want them to know.
53
00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:42,116
- Why not ?
- Because they'll know we fancy them.
54
00:03:42,255 --> 00:03:46,453
Then we'll get off with them,
go back to their place and do it on them.
55
00:03:46,593 --> 00:03:48,493
Yeah.
56
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:52,888
Oh, yeah ! Yeah, I can see your point.
57
00:03:53,032 --> 00:03:57,059
Well, it's this new skirt. It rucks up very easily.
58
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:03,304
Come on, Eddie, this is it !
Let's wave at them and wink and stuff
59
00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:05,001
- and let them know we're on !
- Righto !
60
00:04:05,144 --> 00:04:06,611
How do I look ?
61
00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:09,613
You use your eyeballs, don't you ?
62
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:12,946
Eyeballs, eyeballs ! OK, right. All set ?
63
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,452
Sexy faces on !
64
00:04:16,789 --> 00:04:18,984
Let's ogle 'em !
65
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:24,621
Hey, hang on, Richie.
How do we know which one's whose ?
66
00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:27,392
Well, mine's a cracker.
67
00:04:27,567 --> 00:04:29,228
And what's mine like ?
68
00:04:29,335 --> 00:04:31,303
Not bad, not bad.
69
00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:33,701
Not as many legs as the other one,
70
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,671
and it's a shame about the beard,
71
00:04:35,808 --> 00:04:38,003
but apart from that, smashing.
72
00:04:38,144 --> 00:04:40,442
Are you sure she's not a bloke ?
73
00:04:40,580 --> 00:04:44,277
What do you mean a bloke ?
I know a bird when I see one !
74
00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:47,011
Was she smoking a pipe ?
75
00:04:47,153 --> 00:04:50,179
- Yeah.
- And is she called Keith ?
76
00:04:50,323 --> 00:04:51,984
Yeah.
77
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:55,094
You fool ! That's Keith and Deirdre !
78
00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:58,789
Yeah ! Keith's your bird and Deirdre's mine.
79
00:04:58,931 --> 00:05:02,890
Mine has a blue miniskirt
and tattoos of Little and Large on her thighs.
80
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:05,937
It's Keith and Deirdre from the Lamb & Flag
81
00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:08,939
mixed doubles nudie tag mud wrestling team !
82
00:05:09,075 --> 00:05:12,567
Oh, yeah ? Why was she giving me
the eye all night ?
83
00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:16,113
Not the glass one, the other one.
84
00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,774
And why was the bird
with the beard pointing at you ?
85
00:05:18,918 --> 00:05:20,408
Because he's Keith !
86
00:05:20,553 --> 00:05:25,115
One-legged, mad dog Keith McFrenzy,
and I owe him 50 quid !
87
00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:28,352
He's been chasing me for 17 years !
88
00:05:28,494 --> 00:05:32,089
Why do you think I always get mumps
during mud wrestling week ?
89
00:05:32,231 --> 00:05:38,033
Look, they don't call me
the Hammersmith Crumpet Radar for nothing !
90
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:41,607
One look at me and she was
screaming for my underwear !
91
00:05:41,741 --> 00:05:43,868
She is blind !
92
00:05:45,411 --> 00:05:49,279
Yes, yes, yes, yes...
93
00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:50,814
...yes...
94
00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:55,580
Well, she obviously just sensed
my musky sort of smell !
95
00:05:56,589 --> 00:05:58,557
Yes...
96
00:05:58,691 --> 00:06:04,994
We've all been sensing your sort
of musky smell for nigh on 40 years.
97
00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:07,565
When will you buy another shirt ?!
98
00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:11,466
This is an original Van de Heusen !
99
00:06:11,604 --> 00:06:14,971
Yes, it's THE original Van de Heusen !
100
00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,542
It hasn't had a wash since 1963 !
101
00:06:17,677 --> 00:06:21,579
Well, if you had the common decency
to go out and get a proper job
102
00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:25,377
and not hang around the flat
all day like some vast slug,
103
00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:29,181
I would have the opportunity
to take my top off and wash it
104
00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:32,052
without you seeing my nipples !
105
00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:47,366
Why isn't this ruddy ride working ?
We've been on it three minutes !
106
00:06:47,507 --> 00:06:52,740
It IS Europe's tallest Ferris wheel.
It takes a while to get everyone on board.
107
00:06:55,114 --> 00:06:58,106
Hey ! The lights have gone out !
108
00:06:58,251 --> 00:06:59,684
That's weird, isn't it ?
109
00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:03,050
Hey, maybe it's a love Ferris wheel !
110
00:07:05,191 --> 00:07:08,490
Hey ! They're not letting anyone else on, Eddie.
111
00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:12,655
In fact, Eddie,
we're the only ones on the whole ride !
112
00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:18,331
It looks like they're closing up for the night !
113
00:07:21,507 --> 00:07:24,237
I was enjoying that.
114
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:27,312
Reminded me of my dad's funeral.
115
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,005
I say !
116
00:07:29,148 --> 00:07:33,710
I say ! Oh, thank God !
They've seen us ! They're waving.
117
00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:37,585
They're not using all their fingers.
118
00:07:38,591 --> 00:07:41,151
Yes, hello !
119
00:07:42,361 --> 00:07:46,058
What time does the ride start ?
120
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:47,632
Uh-huh...
121
00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:49,496
Yes...
122
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:52,968
Uh-huh, yes, yes. Yeah...
123
00:07:53,105 --> 00:07:56,370
I can't understand a word he's saying !
124
00:07:56,509 --> 00:07:59,069
I don't think he's saying anything.
125
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:02,648
He's swearing indiscriminately
and running towards the gate.
126
00:08:02,782 --> 00:08:04,613
What ?! That's outrageous !
127
00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:06,240
I say !
128
00:08:06,385 --> 00:08:10,549
Er... bloody... What is it you shout in the slums ?
129
00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:12,988
Uggy, uggy, uggy !
130
00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:16,253
You've got his attention now !
131
00:08:16,395 --> 00:08:19,660
- I used to live in Bromley !
- He's picking something up.
132
00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:22,962
- That's a pretty wild place !
- They've all got something now.
133
00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:25,832
I learnt a bit about punch-ups.
134
00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:28,065
- Duck !
- Where ?
135
00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:34,040
Hey, good shot ! Give yourself a goldfish !
136
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,842
Look out, here comes some more !
137
00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:43,681
I don't understand !
138
00:08:43,823 --> 00:08:46,451
What did we do ? What did we do ?
139
00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:51,393
It's your fault for touching up
the burly Ferris wheel attendant.
140
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,897
I thought she was a girl.
141
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:57,002
They were pectorals, you fool !
142
00:08:57,136 --> 00:08:58,398
She had an earring.
143
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:01,371
Yes, through her foreskin.
144
00:09:02,475 --> 00:09:07,105
Yes, which I found out later
much to my distress ! Anyway,
145
00:09:07,246 --> 00:09:12,980
I don't care what you say.
She still had one hell of a cleavage ! Whoo !
146
00:09:13,119 --> 00:09:16,145
It was like strolling through the Alps !
147
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:18,223
I think it's all over now.
148
00:09:18,357 --> 00:09:20,416
They're all sort of going away.
149
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:24,018
In fact, everyone's going away.
150
00:09:24,163 --> 00:09:27,189
I think the whole fair is closing down.
151
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:30,496
Bastards ! They can't treat me like this !
152
00:09:30,636 --> 00:09:34,402
My mother made sandwiches
for the Hammersmith Conservative Association !
153
00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:37,304
Yeah, but no one ever ate them, did they ?
154
00:09:37,443 --> 00:09:41,607
What about that bloke who got
convulsions and brain damage ?
155
00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:45,410
- He's President of the Board of Trade now.
- Absolutely !
156
00:09:45,551 --> 00:09:50,454
They can't treat us like this !
Now, look here, you roustabouts,
157
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:53,320
I've got a photographic memory,
158
00:09:53,459 --> 00:09:56,519
and I'm going to memorise all of you !
159
00:10:00,633 --> 00:10:03,796
I'll certainly remember that ! Right, Eddie,
160
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:07,667
write down the details for the police enquiry !
161
00:10:07,807 --> 00:10:11,834
"Edward Elizabeth Hitler and myself
162
00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:15,436
"were sitting down peacefully
in a northerly direction
163
00:10:15,581 --> 00:10:19,210
"at precisely..." What's the time, Eddie ?
164
00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:23,880
- Um... It's, um...
- Hang on. That's my watch !
165
00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:29,290
Yes, I thought I'd bring it along for you.
166
00:10:29,428 --> 00:10:32,454
What, my special gold watch ?
167
00:10:32,598 --> 00:10:36,500
The one that Granddad Willis
found on that body in the Somme ?
168
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:40,163
Yes, I thought you might need to know the time.
169
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:44,072
Thanks, Eddie ! Right...
"At precisely three-thirty..."
170
00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:48,408
That can't be right. It's awfully light, Eddie.
171
00:10:48,547 --> 00:10:53,109
I took the innards out
because it was ever so heavy.
172
00:10:53,252 --> 00:10:56,483
It was making a little dent
in your waistcoat pocket.
173
00:10:56,622 --> 00:11:00,456
I got rid of 'em at that antique place.
Have you seen my new motorbike ?
174
00:11:01,927 --> 00:11:05,385
Shut up about motorbikes.
I think you've bished here.
175
00:11:05,531 --> 00:11:08,898
If it hasn't any innards,
how do we know what the time is ?
176
00:11:09,035 --> 00:11:12,766
- It's obviously midnight.
- How did you work that out ?
177
00:11:12,905 --> 00:11:16,841
Because the fair closes at midnight
and the fair's closed !
178
00:11:16,976 --> 00:11:19,536
The fair's closed ! Agh !
179
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,443
The fair's closed !
180
00:11:22,581 --> 00:11:26,813
The fair's closed and we're stuck
350 feet up in the air on a Ferris wheel !
181
00:11:26,952 --> 00:11:30,285
Yes, it's a living nightmare !
182
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:34,986
Don't panic ! Don't panic !
183
00:11:35,127 --> 00:11:38,654
Don't panic, Mr Man-waring !
184
00:11:38,798 --> 00:11:43,326
Come on, Richie... Take all your clothes off
and knot them together.
185
00:11:44,503 --> 00:11:46,471
Knot what together ?
186
00:11:46,605 --> 00:11:53,135
Got it ! This is where the old commando training
comes in handy ! I wish I'd had some !
187
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:56,771
I'm going to go and get help. Will you be all right ?
188
00:11:57,650 --> 00:12:01,518
Yes, there's a full page advert
for Oddbins with pictures.
189
00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:03,781
I'll be all right for an hour or two.
190
00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:06,289
Well, off I go.
191
00:12:10,596 --> 00:12:14,555
- Eddie.
- What did the rescue people say ?
192
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:17,260
I haven't done that bit yet.
193
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:24,241
Eddie, if I fall and plunge
350 feet and splatter on the ground,
194
00:12:24,376 --> 00:12:26,844
will you... you know...
195
00:12:27,012 --> 00:12:30,175
- What, laugh ?
- No, no, no.
196
00:12:30,282 --> 00:12:33,479
- Point and laugh ?
- No.
197
00:12:33,619 --> 00:12:38,318
Will you scatter my ashes
over Queen's Park Rangers football ground ?
198
00:12:38,457 --> 00:12:41,085
- No !
- Thanks !
199
00:12:41,227 --> 00:12:43,286
Right !
200
00:12:44,730 --> 00:12:46,527
See you later !
201
00:12:46,665 --> 00:12:50,396
Look at that ! Gordon's Gin, one litre !
202
00:12:50,536 --> 00:12:53,096
Hello, baby !
203
00:12:59,411 --> 00:13:01,936
Right !
204
00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:13,252
Your turn !
205
00:13:13,392 --> 00:13:15,519
What do you mean, my turn ?
206
00:13:15,661 --> 00:13:17,629
It needs someone less sensitive than me.
207
00:13:17,763 --> 00:13:20,061
Bollocks ! I'm not going up there.
208
00:13:23,702 --> 00:13:26,500
Look, Eddie, your pint's empty.
209
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:30,302
I'd better nip to the bar before they close.
210
00:13:30,442 --> 00:13:33,377
Um... Can I get you anything ?
211
00:13:33,512 --> 00:13:36,345
That's kind ! I'll have a Babycham.
212
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:39,508
- Got any money ?
- Fagin !
213
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,111
Let's see...
214
00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:47,051
Back in a jiffy !
215
00:13:47,193 --> 00:13:49,525
Back in a jiffy ?
216
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:52,460
Don't be so foul !
217
00:14:06,812 --> 00:14:09,246
I wonder if they do a delivery service ?
218
00:14:09,381 --> 00:14:13,340
Oh, God, we're trapped, aren't we ?
We're bloody trapped !
219
00:14:13,485 --> 00:14:18,582
Oh, God ! Oh, God !
This is just like "The Poseidon Adventure" !
220
00:14:18,724 --> 00:14:23,855
Why don't we just jump and use
your voluminous trousers as a parachute ?
221
00:14:23,996 --> 00:14:27,659
No, no good, Eddie, I've got my PE knickers on.
222
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,133
Still ? It's 25 years since you left school !
223
00:14:31,270 --> 00:14:35,172
Sssh ! My sister lives round here. She might hear !
224
00:14:35,307 --> 00:14:38,504
- What's she like ?
- She's just like me,
225
00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:40,942
only with smaller jugs.
226
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:44,447
- Think of something else.
- Right...
227
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:50,485
Oh, God ! I can't take any more
of this ! I'm going crazy !
228
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:53,524
I've got to get out of here !
I've got to get out of here !
229
00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:55,718
Calm down !
230
00:14:55,861 --> 00:14:58,022
Calm down !
231
00:15:00,532 --> 00:15:03,865
Thanks, Eddie. I'm sorry about that.
232
00:15:04,003 --> 00:15:07,029
I don't know what came over me.
233
00:15:07,172 --> 00:15:09,868
- Thanks. I feel better now.
- Hey, Rich.
234
00:15:13,178 --> 00:15:14,611
What was that for ?
235
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:17,181
I was just making sure.
236
00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:21,583
Thanks, mate.
237
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:32,754
You know, if we ever get through
to the other side of this one...
238
00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:37,861
I think I'm going to change the way I live.
239
00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:40,437
I'm gonna get back to Blighty...
240
00:15:40,572 --> 00:15:43,132
find meself a piece of land,
241
00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:45,766
find meself a beautiful woman...
242
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:49,369
heck, maybe even raise some kids.
243
00:15:51,583 --> 00:15:54,609
Ah, quit dreamin' !
244
00:15:54,753 --> 00:15:58,587
We're not gonna pull through
to the other end of this one, Skip !
245
00:15:58,724 --> 00:16:02,125
You've got to dream, Eddie,
246
00:16:02,261 --> 00:16:06,254
you've got to hold on to the dream.
247
00:16:06,398 --> 00:16:08,628
Can I ask you a question ?
248
00:16:08,767 --> 00:16:12,134
Shoot from the hip -
that's always been your style.
249
00:16:12,271 --> 00:16:17,436
- What's your question ?
- Well, it's kinda outta left field,
250
00:16:17,576 --> 00:16:19,635
but my question is this.
251
00:16:19,778 --> 00:16:21,268
Yeah ?
252
00:16:21,413 --> 00:16:26,248
Why are we talking
such complete and utter bollocks ?
253
00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:32,715
- I don't know, Eddie. I guess...
- Shut up ! Shut up !
254
00:16:34,126 --> 00:16:38,961
Yeah, well, I guess
we're all shut up in our own way.
255
00:16:39,098 --> 00:16:41,896
Shut up ! Shut up !
256
00:16:42,901 --> 00:16:45,699
- You know...
- All right, that's it !
257
00:16:55,614 --> 00:16:58,947
God, I hate that bollocks !
258
00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:01,348
Yeah, me, too !
259
00:17:01,487 --> 00:17:04,320
Sorry about the bollocks, Eddie.
260
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,690
Oh !
261
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:14,666
Oh !
262
00:17:15,667 --> 00:17:17,794
Oh !
263
00:17:18,804 --> 00:17:20,567
God, I'm bored !
264
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:22,867
How long have we been here now ?
265
00:17:23,008 --> 00:17:25,238
About seven minutes.
266
00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:27,277
God !
267
00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:31,179
It feels like eight and a half minutes.
268
00:17:31,316 --> 00:17:32,783
Hey, Richie !
269
00:17:32,918 --> 00:17:37,287
Remember that Stork Margarine
competition we entered ?
270
00:17:37,423 --> 00:17:39,186
Yeah ?
271
00:17:39,324 --> 00:17:41,155
We didn't win it.
272
00:17:41,293 --> 00:17:43,386
What ? Well, who did ?
273
00:17:43,529 --> 00:17:47,625
- Slip Digby.
- Slip Digby ! The organist ?
274
00:17:47,766 --> 00:17:51,463
Well, that's not what they called him in court.
275
00:17:51,603 --> 00:17:53,798
Well, what was his winning caption ?
276
00:17:53,939 --> 00:17:57,466
"I like Stork Margarine because...
277
00:17:57,609 --> 00:18:00,544
"I've only got one leg."
278
00:18:07,786 --> 00:18:10,619
- Not bad.
- Clever bastard !
279
00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:12,883
Why didn't we think of that one ?
280
00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:15,960
I told you we wouldn't get far
with "I like Stork Margarine
281
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:19,622
"because I've enclosed a fiver.
Mum's the word !"
282
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:22,097
Well, we never posted it, did we ?
283
00:18:22,234 --> 00:18:25,397
There wasn't any point. You took the fiver out !
284
00:18:25,537 --> 00:18:30,236
Look, there's an article
about the Ferris wheel in this week's "Bugle".
285
00:18:30,375 --> 00:18:35,278
Not only is it the tallest,
it's also the oldest Ferris wheel in Europe.
286
00:18:35,414 --> 00:18:37,814
It's all here in this article entitled,
287
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:41,852
"Illegal death trap wheel to close tonight.
288
00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:44,285
"Whole area declared danger zone
289
00:18:44,423 --> 00:18:47,950
"and boarded up to await detonation !"
290
00:18:48,093 --> 00:18:50,960
- It's all wired up and ready to go.
- What ?!
291
00:18:51,096 --> 00:18:55,499
It's too expensive to dismantle
so they're going to blow it up.
292
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:57,363
When ?
293
00:18:58,537 --> 00:19:00,869
First thing tomorrow morning.
294
00:19:01,006 --> 00:19:02,496
Agh !
295
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:06,407
Sort of spare underpants time, isn't it ?
296
00:19:06,545 --> 00:19:09,139
HELP ! HELP !
297
00:19:09,281 --> 00:19:12,648
We're just gonna have to wait
until an aeroplane comes
298
00:19:12,784 --> 00:19:15,912
- and attract its attention, OK ?
- Yes !
299
00:19:16,054 --> 00:19:18,249
Here comes one.
300
00:19:25,764 --> 00:19:27,959
Sorry about that one.
301
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:32,326
So YOU had the egg !
302
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:37,936
Oh, look, Eddie, here comes a helicopter ! Hello !
303
00:19:38,076 --> 00:19:41,603
Hello ! Is that a police chopper ?
304
00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:45,547
No, one of them's just left
his truncheon sticking out the door.
305
00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:50,451
- Yeah, it's got a side handle.
- Hello ! I say ! I say !
306
00:19:52,224 --> 00:19:54,624
They can't see us !
307
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,024
They've gone !
308
00:19:57,162 --> 00:19:59,460
If only we had something to illuminate us.
309
00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:01,623
If only we had some flares !
310
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:06,500
You're making fashion statements ?!
We're going to be blown up at dawn !
311
00:20:06,638 --> 00:20:09,106
No, no, I mean distress flares.
312
00:20:09,241 --> 00:20:12,642
What, like the ones Suzi Quatro used to wear ?
313
00:20:12,778 --> 00:20:16,646
- Stop the crap flares jokes !
- Right, right !
314
00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:18,340
Have you got any alcohol ?
315
00:20:18,483 --> 00:20:23,682
Good idea ! Let's drink ourselves
to death, then we won't notice !
316
00:20:23,822 --> 00:20:25,255
Give that to me !
317
00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:27,187
Right...
318
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,717
What's in this ?
319
00:20:29,861 --> 00:20:31,726
- Brandy...
- Good.
320
00:20:31,863 --> 00:20:38,598
...meths, Pernod, paint stripper,
Mr Sheen, brake fluid and Drambuie.
321
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:41,399
Drambuie
322
00:20:41,540 --> 00:20:43,804
Ooh-ooh !
323
00:20:43,942 --> 00:20:48,174
You've gotta put something in
for the birds, haven't you ?
324
00:20:48,313 --> 00:20:50,838
Ooh, Jesus !
325
00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:53,315
How are you alive ?
326
00:20:53,452 --> 00:20:56,910
I may very well not be.
327
00:20:58,457 --> 00:21:02,086
Well, this is gonna bloody work !
Stuff that in there.
328
00:21:02,227 --> 00:21:03,854
Wait for the next chopper.
329
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:06,692
Set fire to it and bung it up in the air
330
00:21:06,832 --> 00:21:09,892
where it bursts and illuminates us !
331
00:21:10,035 --> 00:21:13,334
May I voice just a small note of caution ?
332
00:21:13,472 --> 00:21:16,464
No time, Eddie. Here comes a chopper now !
333
00:21:18,243 --> 00:21:19,733
Here goes.
334
00:21:19,878 --> 00:21:23,370
Wait for it to burst. Wait for it to burst.
335
00:21:23,515 --> 00:21:25,608
Look out !
336
00:21:29,054 --> 00:21:33,616
You said it was going to illuminate us.
It's going to incinerate us !
337
00:21:33,759 --> 00:21:38,321
You can't get much more illuminated
than being on fire, can you ? Wave !
338
00:21:38,463 --> 00:21:39,953
Shout "Help !"
339
00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:43,556
Is this, "Help, I'm stuck on a Ferris wheel !"
340
00:21:43,702 --> 00:21:47,661
- Or "Help, I'm burning to death !" ?
- Will you stop whingeing ?
341
00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:51,139
At least we're warm now, well, hot now,
342
00:21:51,276 --> 00:21:55,770
well, being roasted alive now !
Bloody hell ! Put it out with your coat !
343
00:21:55,914 --> 00:21:59,645
It's got 50 quids' worth
of miniatures sewn into the lining.
344
00:21:59,785 --> 00:22:03,812
- The whole place would go up !
- Emergency bitter !
345
00:22:03,955 --> 00:22:05,513
No !
346
00:22:05,657 --> 00:22:07,215
Yes !
347
00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:09,350
No !
348
00:22:12,798 --> 00:22:15,062
Bye-bye, baby !
349
00:22:20,872 --> 00:22:24,501
I will never, ever, ever forgive you for this !
350
00:22:24,643 --> 00:22:26,474
- Thanks.
- What for ?
351
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:30,645
We get ourselves out of some scrapes, don't we ?
352
00:22:32,284 --> 00:22:36,778
Help ! Eddie, get me out ! Eddie, help !
353
00:22:40,258 --> 00:22:45,252
Thanks ! Gosh, we get ourselves
out of some scrapes, don't we ?
354
00:22:45,397 --> 00:22:48,855
If I hadn't been so crazily heroic
in stamping out the inferno,
355
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:50,627
that never would have happened !
356
00:22:50,769 --> 00:22:53,237
Bollocks, you're just overweight !
357
00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:57,138
Don't you DARE call me overweight, young man !
358
00:23:04,816 --> 00:23:07,979
- Oh, blimey !
- My stars !
359
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,281
Splice my sausages !
360
00:23:10,422 --> 00:23:12,447
Cor, lumme !
361
00:23:12,591 --> 00:23:14,559
Christmas pudding !
362
00:23:14,693 --> 00:23:16,991
Blood and stomach pills !
363
00:23:17,129 --> 00:23:18,528
- Hey, Eddie...
- What ?
364
00:23:18,663 --> 00:23:20,927
We know how to swear, us two, don't we ?
365
00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:26,436
You hit the BLEEP !
Right on the nail, you BLEEP ! Bastard !
366
00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:31,099
Oh, God, that was frightening !
My whole life flashed before me !
367
00:23:31,243 --> 00:23:34,735
It was one long relentless collage of grey
368
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:38,372
interspersed with visits to the lav.
369
00:23:38,517 --> 00:23:40,747
- Hey, Eddie !
- What ?
370
00:23:40,886 --> 00:23:42,717
If we killed ourselves,
371
00:23:42,854 --> 00:23:46,290
we could cheat fate !
372
00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:50,691
I don't think we actually want
to piss fate off at the moment.
373
00:23:57,936 --> 00:24:00,734
Well, this is it, then, Eddie.
374
00:24:00,872 --> 00:24:03,705
Yes, I suppose so.
375
00:24:04,976 --> 00:24:06,967
Any last regrets ?
376
00:24:07,112 --> 00:24:11,071
Only that I didn't have a lavvy
before I got on the ride. How about you ?
377
00:24:11,216 --> 00:24:14,413
No, I had one just after we got on.
378
00:24:14,553 --> 00:24:18,489
I think that's what caused
the electrics to go, you know.
379
00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:21,217
This is it.
380
00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:24,726
I wish... I just wish...
381
00:24:24,863 --> 00:24:27,423
I just wish my life had just...
382
00:24:27,599 --> 00:24:30,625
...just been completely different !
383
00:24:30,735 --> 00:24:33,829
Still, I did my bit for the country.
384
00:24:33,972 --> 00:24:37,635
- What, you stayed in the town ?
- Absolutely.
385
00:24:37,776 --> 00:24:39,869
You know,
386
00:24:40,011 --> 00:24:42,673
I think I might come back as a bra.
387
00:24:44,950 --> 00:24:46,212
What ?
388
00:24:46,351 --> 00:24:49,843
All us Buddhists believe in reincarnation, you see.
389
00:24:49,988 --> 00:24:54,391
- When did you become a Buddhist ?
- About five seconds ago.
390
00:24:54,526 --> 00:24:58,519
And may I say, it has completely changed my life !
391
00:24:58,663 --> 00:25:00,631
But, Eddie...
392
00:25:00,765 --> 00:25:02,699
you can't come back as a bra.
393
00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:05,735
That's just stupid ! You've got
to come back as something organic.
394
00:25:05,871 --> 00:25:08,965
All right, I'm only a beginner, you know !
395
00:25:09,107 --> 00:25:14,340
All right, then, I'll come back as Claudia Schiffer.
396
00:25:14,479 --> 00:25:17,448
She's seriously organic !
397
00:25:17,582 --> 00:25:19,379
And then, when it rained,
398
00:25:19,518 --> 00:25:23,955
I could run outside in a thin white cotton dress
and get completely soaked.
399
00:25:24,089 --> 00:25:28,992
Then I'd run indoors and say,
"Ooh, look, you're all wet.
400
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:33,563
"You'd better strip off slowly
in front of a mirror" !
401
00:25:33,665 --> 00:25:39,331
- But you'd be a bird !
- Yeah, but SHE wouldn't know that !
402
00:25:39,471 --> 00:25:42,133
Wait, wait. Let me get this straight.
403
00:25:42,274 --> 00:25:46,301
You have perverted
the ancient wisdom of Buddhism
404
00:25:46,444 --> 00:25:50,437
into a dastardly scheme whereby
you take over the brain of a supermodel
405
00:25:50,582 --> 00:25:54,643
- just so you can ogle her norks ?
- That's about the size of it.
406
00:25:54,786 --> 00:25:58,051
It's a bloody good plan, isn't it ? Yeah !
407
00:25:58,189 --> 00:26:01,158
It's got a lot going for it, this Buddhism thing.
408
00:26:01,293 --> 00:26:04,228
I'll come back as Dannii Minogue,
409
00:26:04,362 --> 00:26:09,265
and I'll get a job as a topless go-go dancer
in a bar full of mirrors !
410
00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:12,837
And after that, I'm coming back as a giraffe !
411
00:26:15,307 --> 00:26:17,036
- A giraffe ?
- Yeah !
412
00:26:17,175 --> 00:26:19,666
I'd have me head above the trees
413
00:26:19,811 --> 00:26:24,908
so I'd be able to see any supermodels
taking topless helicopter lessons !
414
00:26:25,050 --> 00:26:26,881
All right !
415
00:26:27,018 --> 00:26:29,851
Hey, have you got any Buddhist vicars down there ?
416
00:26:29,988 --> 00:26:32,513
Got any papers so we can sign up ?
417
00:26:37,162 --> 00:26:39,892
Things are looking bleak !
418
00:26:40,031 --> 00:26:44,798
Well spotted, Eddie Time's up.
I think we'd better start praying.
419
00:26:44,936 --> 00:26:48,770
- Who to, Buddha ?
- No, none of that supermodel cobblers.
420
00:26:48,907 --> 00:26:52,343
The real thing. Good old C of E.
421
00:26:55,747 --> 00:26:57,647
Eddie.
422
00:27:00,385 --> 00:27:03,354
- Oh, Lord...
- Oh, lordy...
423
00:27:03,488 --> 00:27:06,355
- Oh, lordy, lordy...
- Lawks a lordy...
424
00:27:06,491 --> 00:27:10,723
Oh, lordy, lordy, way down
on that old Swanee Riber...
425
00:27:10,862 --> 00:27:12,523
Hear our prayer !
426
00:27:12,664 --> 00:27:14,962
HE-E-E-LP !
427
00:27:22,507 --> 00:27:24,407
It's a miracle !
428
00:27:24,542 --> 00:27:27,875
- It's a miracle !
429
00:27:29,914 --> 00:27:32,314
Nice one !
430
00:27:34,219 --> 00:27:36,346
Very nice one !
431
00:27:36,488 --> 00:27:38,956
Nice beard, too !
432
00:27:39,090 --> 00:27:42,082
- Hang on ! Rich...
- What ?
433
00:27:42,227 --> 00:27:44,889
Although we and the BBC
434
00:27:45,030 --> 00:27:47,931
respect people's rights
to believe in whatever they wish,
435
00:27:48,066 --> 00:27:51,502
because we don't want to get
into the shit on this one...
436
00:27:51,636 --> 00:27:56,073
- we don't actually believe in God, do we ?
- No.
437
00:27:56,207 --> 00:27:58,801
Shit ! Aaagh !
33888
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