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1
00:00:41,574 --> 00:00:44,236
No objection to an identity parade ?
2
00:00:44,411 --> 00:00:49,974
None. We're socially responsible.
Do we get the eight quid now ?
3
00:00:50,150 --> 00:00:54,052
We were just on our way to give blood.
4
00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:59,749
- Right.
- I get �6 a bottle 'cause mine's 90% proof.
5
00:00:59,926 --> 00:01:04,022
They're swarthy-looking. Which is the criminal ?
6
00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:09,635
- These are the other volunteers.
- That one ? Eh ? Oh, that's right.
7
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:14,137
- I'll bring the suspect in.
- Give him a kicking, do we ?
8
00:01:14,307 --> 00:01:18,300
No, we let the witness identify him.
9
00:01:18,478 --> 00:01:23,279
Oh, that's right. Good policing.
Right, form a line, everybody !
10
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:29,085
Whoops, here he comes. Dear, oh, dear !
11
00:01:29,255 --> 00:01:33,419
Look at that Neanderthal gait.
Only learned to walk upright today.
12
00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:41,863
Hanging's too good for you ! How can he mug
old ladies with his knuckles scraping along ?
13
00:01:43,403 --> 00:01:45,428
Hello, hello !
14
00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:52,036
Me respectable citizen.
He's making my flesh creep. You vile scum !
15
00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:55,272
- Do you mind ?
- Ooh, it talks !
16
00:01:55,448 --> 00:02:01,819
- What's next, a quest for fire ?
- Gentlemen, I'm Chief Inspector Grobbelaar.
17
00:02:01,988 --> 00:02:04,786
Chief Inspector Grobb...
18
00:02:08,361 --> 00:02:14,766
The suspects are highly dangerous.
I don't want any of you fraternising, OK ?
19
00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:22,007
Look ! Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog.
Hello, boys ! What are you doing here ?
20
00:02:22,175 --> 00:02:25,975
A bomb went off 200 miles away
and they arrested us.
21
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:31,015
- I hope we're not IRA.
- It's very secretive. We wouldn't know.
22
00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:38,090
Even if you were, you'd be OK. You'd get
17 years in jail and then get out scot-free.
23
00:02:38,258 --> 00:02:41,853
If I go down, I'm taking one of them with me.
24
00:02:42,028 --> 00:02:44,519
- Why's that ?
- It's the way I fall.
25
00:02:44,697 --> 00:02:49,691
That's him ! That's the one ! Vicious bastard.
Ooh, me blood runs cold.
26
00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:51,393
Hello, Mum.
27
00:02:51,571 --> 00:02:55,735
Send him down ! Electrocute him ! Guillotine him !
28
00:02:55,909 --> 00:03:00,869
- I'll tidy my room tomorrow !
- Where's my handbag ?
29
00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:03,607
- What do you know about my father ?
- Nothing.
30
00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:07,310
- As I suspected.
- Concentrate on the bag.
31
00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:11,218
It's hard to concentrate on anything else !
32
00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:16,155
- Do you recognise any of these men ?
- I know them all.
33
00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:21,393
- Who took the bag ?
- He did !
34
00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:25,060
- It was a cross-dressing party.
- Let's see.
35
00:03:25,238 --> 00:03:28,639
- Your son borrowed your handbag ?
- Right.
36
00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:32,938
- Villain !
- Take her out for a good drubbing.
37
00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:35,880
Oh, shit !
38
00:03:40,853 --> 00:03:45,756
Eight quid each !
It pays to be a responsible citizen.
39
00:03:45,925 --> 00:03:48,120
- Oh, hello !
- Hello.
40
00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:50,159
- You're new.
- Yes.
41
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:55,097
Good ! In that case, hello !
We're from Health and Safety.
42
00:03:55,268 --> 00:03:58,669
Can we examine two halves and some pasties ?
43
00:03:58,838 --> 00:04:03,275
- Oi, Eddie !
- See they got new staff !
44
00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:09,814
- Great, innit ?
- No need to spend any of our line-up money !
45
00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:15,944
Remember, lads, don't get too sloshed.
We got another one in Paddington today.
46
00:04:16,122 --> 00:04:20,491
- What's the crime ?
- Flashing. Make it convincing.
47
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:24,721
- Mum, do you want another drink ?
- Same again.
48
00:04:24,897 --> 00:04:31,666
- Another three bottles of brandy.
- I'd better test another eight pints of lager.
49
00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:35,968
- There's a lot of government people today.
- That's right.
50
00:04:36,142 --> 00:04:39,270
How attractive you look
in that short summer frock.
51
00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:46,210
It's quite lovely, isn't it ?
Tell me, do you use Timotei ?
52
00:04:48,888 --> 00:04:53,086
With such beautiful hair,
you must pop up a mountain,
53
00:04:53,259 --> 00:04:55,659
dip it in a stream and flick it about.
54
00:04:55,828 --> 00:05:01,198
Are you a Page Three girl ?
If you wanted to, you could be.
55
00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:04,803
Take your top off, we'll give you our opinion.
56
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,563
Shut up, Eddie !
57
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:10,609
You know...
58
00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:17,179
in the short time I've known you,
I've fallen head-over-heels in love with you.
59
00:05:17,350 --> 00:05:21,946
- What ?! That's ridiculous.
- It's crazy, but hear me out.
60
00:05:22,121 --> 00:05:28,060
Ever since I was wounded leading the charge
at Goose Green in the Falklands,
61
00:05:28,227 --> 00:05:31,321
I haven't been able to make love properly.
62
00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:37,026
Well, seeing as you're a barmaid -
and we all know what barmaids get up to -
63
00:05:37,203 --> 00:05:41,606
- could you see your way to...
- Having you bunged out ?
64
00:05:43,042 --> 00:05:48,844
Well, I've never been "bunged out" before,
but I'm game for anything !
65
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:53,349
- Was you in the Falklands ?
- Shut up ! I'm on the brink of a shag !
66
00:05:54,921 --> 00:06:00,257
- Have you read "The Joy of Sex" ?
- I don't read things like that.
67
00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:03,020
We can just look at the pictures.
68
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:07,428
- When was you there ?
- Well, not for a holiday !
69
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:11,502
- So you're a veteran ?
- No ! I was in the thick of it !
70
00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:13,798
Someone else looked after the ponies.
71
00:06:15,808 --> 00:06:20,905
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk
72
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,571
Night fever, night f...
73
00:06:27,286 --> 00:06:29,220
That's tight-mouthed Larry, the bookmaker.
74
00:06:32,024 --> 00:06:35,187
He's not very tight-mouthed today, is he ?
75
00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:38,524
- Now, dear...
- When was you there ?
76
00:06:38,698 --> 00:06:42,498
- Are you a professional bore ?
- I was in the Falklands.
77
00:06:42,668 --> 00:06:47,503
Yes, I bet you were,
a chap like you. Got any proof ?
78
00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:52,472
Got me service medal, yeah.
79
00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:57,313
- You all right, mate ?
- Yes...
80
00:06:57,483 --> 00:07:00,646
I get like this when I meet a compadre.
81
00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:03,311
So... Shit !
82
00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:06,048
Er, great.
83
00:07:06,225 --> 00:07:08,659
- You were there ?
- I was in Two Para.
84
00:07:08,828 --> 00:07:10,762
You went twice ?
85
00:07:11,798 --> 00:07:15,393
- What regiment was you in ?
- The English one, of course !
86
00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:21,063
- What outfit was you in ?
- The green patchy one, mostly.
87
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:27,770
With the twigs and a leaf. Camouflage.
Not many of the chaps with busbies came back.
88
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:34,876
I remember looking at hordes of Argies going,
"We surrender, Tommy ! H�nde hoch !"
89
00:07:35,054 --> 00:07:38,353
I tell you, I'm perfectly all right !
90
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:48,199
Yeah, so how did you get on ?
91
00:07:48,367 --> 00:07:50,562
- Well...
92
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:53,897
Well... what ?
93
00:07:54,073 --> 00:08:00,478
- I lost me leg !
- Oh, I see. Oh, dear ! Er, how sad !
94
00:08:03,382 --> 00:08:06,442
- No, look ! There it is !
- Look !
95
00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:12,414
Eddie's found it for you.
There it is, under your bottom !
96
00:08:12,592 --> 00:08:17,461
Silly banana ! A commando
should keep track of his legs !
97
00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:20,963
Nah, this is me falsie. Look at that.
98
00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:25,968
Two-and-a-half grand that cost.
Hand-carved by naked Balinese maidens.
99
00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:31,976
- How do you know they were naked ?
- I watched 'em do it !
100
00:08:33,045 --> 00:08:38,483
- That's why it cost so much.
- �2,500, eh ?
101
00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:40,249
No, we can't !
102
00:08:43,756 --> 00:08:45,451
Well...
103
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:50,118
Ha, ha, ha !
104
00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:55,499
- It's great when we war horses get together.
- Was you there as well ?
105
00:08:55,668 --> 00:08:58,136
- Er, oh, yes !
- What outfit ?
106
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:05,738
The grey off-the-shoulder slinky number
with sequins and a split up the side.
107
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:09,143
Only joking. I was in Intelligence.
108
00:09:09,315 --> 00:09:12,614
They dropped me behind enemy lines.
109
00:09:12,785 --> 00:09:15,811
Quite a long way behind enemy lines.
110
00:09:15,988 --> 00:09:17,421
Guildford, actually.
111
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:24,924
- What, by parachute ?
- No, dropped me from the army. Flat feet.
112
00:09:25,097 --> 00:09:28,555
Did you yomp from Goose Green to Stroud Hill ?
113
00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:33,433
Yeah, we all had to do that. There were no lavs.
114
00:09:33,606 --> 00:09:39,340
Just open countryside.
Had to watch where you put your feet.
115
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,848
Must have been a bitch, squatting on one leg !
116
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:52,857
- But did YOU go to Stroud Hill ?
- Of course ! Me and my mates.
117
00:09:53,025 --> 00:09:57,394
There was me and, er... Ginger, er... Tommy,
118
00:09:57,563 --> 00:10:00,657
er... Tiddles, er...
119
00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:03,028
Er... Spot,
120
00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:07,366
Joey, Snowy and er... Corky.
121
00:10:08,507 --> 00:10:10,600
There isn't a Stroud Hill in the Falklands.
122
00:10:12,878 --> 00:10:19,511
Er... Oooh... You're the ones that didn't find it ?
We had a laugh about you !
123
00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:23,787
Right, here I am, then ! Oh, no, I'm not.
124
00:10:27,727 --> 00:10:31,527
- What did YOU do, then ?
- I can't talk about it.
125
00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:36,691
Why, is it embarrassing ?
Shit your pants, did you ?
126
00:10:37,937 --> 00:10:41,998
- Cry, did you ?
- The opposite, actually.
127
00:10:42,174 --> 00:10:45,439
You sucked water in through your eyes ?
128
00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:55,216
- No, I took Harrison's Point single-handed.
- That could be nasty !
129
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:58,221
I shut Tucker's finger in the tank door, didn't I ?
130
00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:02,760
- I don't know. It's all bollocks.
- Shh, shh !
131
00:11:02,928 --> 00:11:06,864
- His mind's blanked it all out.
- 'Cause it's so horrible ?
132
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:09,866
No, he's just got that sort of mind.
133
00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:12,596
Oh, well, must mingle. Charmed !
134
00:11:13,906 --> 00:11:18,036
- That's where I got the GC.
- Seen a doctor about it ?
135
00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:22,112
- You probably got germs in the cut.
- George Cross !
136
00:11:22,281 --> 00:11:25,808
Him, was it ? You should have known better !
137
00:11:25,985 --> 00:11:29,716
What did you do in the war, Spudgun ?
138
00:11:29,889 --> 00:11:34,417
- Nothing, I was unemployed.
- Very convenient !
139
00:11:34,593 --> 00:11:37,687
It is, I live very near the dole office.
140
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:41,856
That's not what I meant !
I spilled blood for the likes of you !
141
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:47,700
- My appendix are on Mount William.
- For what ? A few farmers and penguins
142
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:51,502
and another term of office for Thatcher.
143
00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:54,646
Oh, a Bolshie, eh ? A pinko.
144
00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:59,478
Interesting, isn't it ? Interesting.
145
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:04,715
- You women never muck in in a scrap.
- Interesting in what way ?
146
00:12:06,092 --> 00:12:12,827
Well, it's interesting because, I said it
and anything I say is interesting per se,
147
00:12:12,998 --> 00:12:17,094
and... Well, there isn't a
'Cause the was so great.
148
00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:21,232
Have you any idea how women actually feel ?
149
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,774
No, I haven't. That's my problem, really.
150
00:12:24,944 --> 00:12:29,540
- Would you like me to tell you ?
- I'll take the practical.
151
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:34,583
- My mum's right.
- Why don't you live in the Soviet Union ?
152
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,518
- It doesn't exist.
- And it's horrible.
153
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:41,456
- Er... that's my point !
- Stupid point.
154
00:12:41,627 --> 00:12:46,894
Ten years I fought in the Falklands !
Ten long years !
155
00:12:47,066 --> 00:12:49,967
We didn't have toilets ! We didn't have telly !
156
00:12:50,136 --> 00:12:56,006
No buses. We had to carry everything.
Equipment, ammo - whatever that is -
157
00:12:56,175 --> 00:12:59,144
souvenirs, shopping...
158
00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:03,270
Yeah, shopping ! I liberated Port Stanley Tesco's.
159
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:09,046
I was there when Prince Andrew got his
undercarriage shot off. It was after the war.
160
00:13:09,221 --> 00:13:12,213
I don't believe you were in the Falklands !
161
00:13:12,391 --> 00:13:15,383
Don't believe me, eh ?
162
00:13:19,231 --> 00:13:22,325
- Take a look at this.
- I'd rather not !
163
00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:24,230
Go on ! What's that ?
164
00:13:25,404 --> 00:13:27,463
It looks like a very small penis.
165
00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:32,973
- Not that, THAT !
- It's an appendix scar.
166
00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:37,980
- Yes, and how do you think I got that ?
- An appendix operation.
167
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:40,175
Yes !
168
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:44,321
An Argie took it out with a bayonet !
169
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:49,757
I don't believe this so much
I'm gonna smash your face in.
170
00:13:49,929 --> 00:13:54,025
- I'd like to see you try, Hopalong.
- You're about to.
171
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,600
- Give him one !
- I will !
172
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,100
Just try, Buster !
173
00:13:59,371 --> 00:14:02,704
- Eddie, hold me back.
- I'm busy drinking.
174
00:14:02,875 --> 00:14:05,070
What ?
175
00:14:05,878 --> 00:14:09,974
- This time, Buster...
- That's enough ! Calm down.
176
00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:14,848
- Lucky escape for you.
- It's on the house. What would you like ?
177
00:14:16,288 --> 00:14:18,950
- Sexual favours, is it ?
- No.
178
00:14:19,992 --> 00:14:23,951
- No ? What's wrong with me ?
- I think that's obvious.
179
00:14:24,663 --> 00:14:28,929
Oh ! Ha, I'm not a homosexual,
if that's what you think.
180
00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:32,593
But you're not strictly heterosexual.
181
00:14:33,739 --> 00:14:36,367
Judas ! I've never done it with a bloke !
182
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:39,511
But you've never done it with a bird, either.
183
00:14:39,678 --> 00:14:42,545
- Has he ?
- No !
184
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:45,548
But I'm heterosexual in intent.
185
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:50,052
The nearest you've come to being
heterosexual is locking yourself in
186
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:53,350
with an "Amateur Photographer"
and a jar of hand cream.
187
00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:58,221
Yeah, but I've done it mentally.
188
00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:02,424
Boy, have I done it mentally ! Look at that bicep.
189
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:07,763
You're bloody lucky I didn't hit you
with that one ! You'd be on a drip by now.
190
00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:12,377
- Want some more ?
- Boys, let's finish him off.
191
00:15:12,544 --> 00:15:16,071
- It's OK, we'll just watch.
- All the best !
192
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:17,715
Oh, Lor !
193
00:15:21,787 --> 00:15:27,919
Sorry, I'll have to stop this fight
because I need somebody to hold on to.
194
00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:30,721
I think I'm a little bit drunk.
195
00:15:32,064 --> 00:15:33,895
Which way's my betting shop ?
196
00:15:34,066 --> 00:15:38,400
I've got a dead cert for the 3.30 at Chepstow.
197
00:15:38,570 --> 00:15:43,030
Sad Ken. He's 100 to 1,
but he's bound to come in.
198
00:15:43,208 --> 00:15:49,807
It's a bit of a secret. Only us bookies
know about it, so don't tell anyone.
199
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:59,056
Let's just keep it a secret
between us few people in here, right ?
200
00:15:59,224 --> 00:16:03,354
No, tell you what, forget everything I said.
201
00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:07,226
Just wipe it from your minds. All right ?
202
00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:10,698
- What did I say ?
- We can't remember.
203
00:16:10,869 --> 00:16:13,963
- Thank God !
- Chepstow.
204
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:15,834
- 3.30.
- 100 to 1.
205
00:16:16,008 --> 00:16:19,341
- Sad Ken.
- My secret is safe.
206
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:25,312
Bloody hell, Eddie, this is our lucky day !
207
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:30,888
Free money from the police, free drinks from
the bit behind the bar who I'm on with later,
208
00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:34,321
and now a free tip from tight-mouthed Larry.
209
00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:39,487
Let's see. Diddly-doo, diddly-doo.
That's 16 quid to put on Sad Ken.
210
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:45,103
It's a shame, 'cause it's the chance
of a lifetime. If only I had a huge wad !
211
00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:48,865
- That or a huge pile of cash.
- Yeah.
212
00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:51,566
I've had a great idea. Come to the lavatories.
213
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:55,339
That's the same trick you try every Saturday !
214
00:16:55,514 --> 00:17:00,144
This is no time to be an ugly, ignorant,
no-brained arse-head from hell !
215
00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:03,948
- We're stumped, then.
- Yeah.
216
00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:07,058
Come anyway. I have something of interest.
217
00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:10,024
OK, anything for a giggle.
218
00:17:13,499 --> 00:17:17,902
You wouldn't be laughing
if you were in my shoes.
219
00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:21,471
I'd have very wet feet if I was in your shoes.
220
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,040
Damn ! Oh, who cares ?
221
00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:28,669
We'll have fur-lined lizard-skin
thigh boots if my plan works.
222
00:17:28,847 --> 00:17:32,806
Let's go over it again. Ooh, sorry !
223
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:35,419
Right ! Now, this is the plan, OK ?
224
00:17:35,587 --> 00:17:38,784
We take off his leg, take it to the pawn shop,
225
00:17:38,957 --> 00:17:43,758
put all the money on the horse, win, redeem
the leg and put it back ! He'll never know.
226
00:17:43,929 --> 00:17:47,126
What could go wrong, especially with Sad Ken ?
227
00:17:47,299 --> 00:17:51,235
- Right !
- I'll distract him, you swipe the leg.
228
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:57,899
Righty-dokey, matey, bloke, flap old salty
seadog, amigo, jockstrap, piano tuner !
229
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:02,070
- Let's see you balls this up !
- Righto !
230
00:18:03,882 --> 00:18:08,251
Eddie, we're in luck. He's asleep. Get his leg off.
231
00:18:20,966 --> 00:18:23,594
Aghh ! Ow !
232
00:18:26,905 --> 00:18:28,873
Eddie... Eddie !
233
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,565
- EDDIE !
- What ?
234
00:18:30,742 --> 00:18:34,337
- It's the wrong leg !
- What ?
235
00:18:34,513 --> 00:18:39,678
- That's the real one !
- What shall I do with it ?
236
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:43,583
Twist it back and slip it in the socket.
237
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,329
Phew !
238
00:19:01,507 --> 00:19:04,738
Stick your hand up his trousers
and undo his falsie.
239
00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:08,806
OK, I'll do it.
240
00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:11,606
There we are.
241
00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:25,627
Go to the pawn shop
and slap the money on Sad Ken.
242
00:19:25,797 --> 00:19:30,234
- I'll keep him unconscious.
- OK. Best foot forward. I'll leg it.
243
00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:45,177
Morning !
244
00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:57,657
- No, it's not !
- It's a mink !
245
00:19:57,829 --> 00:20:01,230
- See the pelt.
- This is the third time. Bugger off !
246
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,527
- Ivory ?
- Yes, sir ?
247
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:06,899
- Get lost !
- A copy of "Health and Efficiency", please.
248
00:20:07,072 --> 00:20:10,530
- We don't do those.
- Not much of a porn shop !
249
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:13,041
- How much for the telly ?
- Ten quid.
250
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:17,615
- It's new and "Bob's Full House" is on later.
- Exactly !
251
00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:20,274
OK, give us a fiver.
252
00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:26,117
Come on, Gran, I only want the gold one.
Sad Ken's a dead cert !
253
00:20:26,291 --> 00:20:29,988
Out the way, I'm trying to get me leg over !
254
00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:32,926
Saucy sod ! It'll cost you !
255
00:20:33,098 --> 00:20:38,536
- What do you say to two quid ?
- Ta very much. How was it for you ?
256
00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:41,537
How much for this carved wooden leg ?
257
00:20:41,707 --> 00:20:45,871
That's a nice bit of objet d'art.
258
00:20:46,044 --> 00:20:49,138
Must be worth at least two-and-a-half grand.
259
00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:52,442
- I'll give you �1.50 for it.
- Let's haggle.
260
00:20:52,618 --> 00:20:55,451
- OK, a quid.
- Haggle upwards.
261
00:20:55,621 --> 00:20:56,986
50p !
262
00:20:57,155 --> 00:21:00,613
You're not called Harry the Bastard for nothing !
263
00:21:00,792 --> 00:21:05,092
- I'm called Ted.
- Listen, Ted.
264
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:11,533
I've still got a photo of you, a Chippendale
and a very large drum of Swarfega.
265
00:21:12,638 --> 00:21:14,367
- Have you ?
- A-ha.
266
00:21:14,539 --> 00:21:19,238
Then, I'll give you �500 for the leg.
Now, bugger off !
267
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:25,780
Hush, little baby, don't say a word
268
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:30,411
Daddy's got a dead cert
in the 3.30 at Chepstow...
269
00:21:30,589 --> 00:21:33,149
God, what's that 'orrible noise ?
270
00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:37,989
I've had a nightmare
about a git with a tiny penis singing !
271
00:21:38,163 --> 00:21:41,462
Quick, another seven bottles of Malibu.
272
00:21:41,633 --> 00:21:46,036
- You government types can put it away.
- You're not wrong there !
273
00:21:46,204 --> 00:21:49,833
Sorry about that.
Oh, my head. I'll just walk it off.
274
00:21:50,008 --> 00:21:53,967
No ! No, I'll walk it off for you.
275
00:21:56,348 --> 00:22:01,115
- I feel completely legless.
- You don't know the half of it, mate !
276
00:22:01,286 --> 00:22:05,655
- Tell us another two-hour anecdote.
- Well, there was me...
277
00:22:05,824 --> 00:22:10,454
500 quid on the nose on Sad Ken, please.
278
00:22:10,629 --> 00:22:14,725
- Would you like to pay tax ?
- Of course not !
279
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:20,270
- What a ridiculous question.
- Another bundle for Sad Ken.
280
00:22:20,439 --> 00:22:23,966
- 7p on Sad Ken, please.
- 7p ?
281
00:22:24,142 --> 00:22:28,238
That's all Harry the Bastard
gave me for my house.
282
00:22:28,413 --> 00:22:30,608
OK, race on !
283
00:22:30,782 --> 00:22:34,445
Here we go. Acapulco here we come !
284
00:22:34,619 --> 00:22:38,055
This is it, boys, untold wealth.
285
00:22:38,223 --> 00:22:40,282
- Birds !
- Booze !
286
00:22:40,459 --> 00:22:42,586
Budgerigars.
287
00:22:43,662 --> 00:22:49,623
And they're off ! They're nearly all off.
Stuck in the stalls is Sad Ken.
288
00:22:49,801 --> 00:22:55,034
No, he's off now. Gone in completely
the wrong direction, rather slowly.
289
00:22:55,207 --> 00:23:00,611
It's very sporting of them to enter
a three-legged blind horse here.
290
00:23:00,779 --> 00:23:04,078
He's hit a tree and he's down.
291
00:23:04,249 --> 00:23:08,709
Back to the leaders...
No, back with Sad Ken now.
292
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:14,519
I'm afraid they've had to shoot him.
Sad Ken has been shot.
293
00:23:14,693 --> 00:23:17,161
And so has the jockey.
294
00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:24,491
After that, I went to my secondary school,
where all the teachers had different names.
295
00:23:24,669 --> 00:23:28,070
There was Mr Baker,
296
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:32,199
er, Mr Derbyshire,
297
00:23:32,377 --> 00:23:36,211
who, interestingly, actually came from Berkshire.
298
00:23:36,381 --> 00:23:39,373
- Richie...
- Shh ! I'm keeping him busy till Eddie...
299
00:23:39,551 --> 00:23:42,611
Oh, it's you ! Don't sneak up on me like that.
300
00:23:42,788 --> 00:23:47,350
Us war veterans, they didn't call us
Desert Scorpions for nothing.
301
00:23:47,526 --> 00:23:51,257
They called you that
'cause you're small and poisonous.
302
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:54,593
- Shut up. You're not as interesting as me.
- OK.
303
00:23:54,766 --> 00:23:57,929
- Where is the loot ?
- Ah, well...
304
00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:00,367
Brace yourself...
305
00:24:00,539 --> 00:24:06,967
...because Sad Ken wasn't quite
the wonder horse that we expected.
306
00:24:08,180 --> 00:24:12,583
What ?! Impossible ! Tight-mouthed Larry
said he was 100% cert.
307
00:24:16,988 --> 00:24:20,788
- We had you !
- Afternoon, suckers !
308
00:24:20,959 --> 00:24:27,330
As your friendly landlord, can I introduce
my niece, Veronica ? How'd it go ?
309
00:24:27,499 --> 00:24:33,028
Like you said. They pretended to be from
the government. And you're right about the git.
310
00:24:33,205 --> 00:24:36,333
He HAS got a small penis.
311
00:24:36,508 --> 00:24:39,136
That's your name crossed off my little list.
312
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:44,408
- Thank God.
- You can throw away that list now.
313
00:24:44,583 --> 00:24:47,575
- How much did they get through at the bar ?
- 2,000 quid !
314
00:24:48,653 --> 00:24:52,145
- That's about right.
- We made 14 grand on the race,
315
00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:57,091
- minus two is twelve.
- Six grand apiece. Not bad !
316
00:24:57,262 --> 00:24:59,355
- BASTARDS !
- Correct !
317
00:24:59,531 --> 00:25:04,992
Shut up ! The psycho's coming round.
Where's his leg ?
318
00:25:05,837 --> 00:25:08,829
- There.
- No, his other leg.
319
00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:13,603
- He hasn't got one.
- Get down the pawn shop !
320
00:25:13,778 --> 00:25:16,872
- Give me 500 quid.
- Into the lavvies.
321
00:25:17,048 --> 00:25:23,317
Richie, it's illegal. And you'd never make
500 quid. You'd be lucky to get 10p a go !
322
00:25:24,155 --> 00:25:27,147
I've got a brilliant idea. Into the lavs.
323
00:25:28,593 --> 00:25:32,359
- What's the brilliant idea ?
- Panic ! Aghh !
324
00:25:36,101 --> 00:25:41,664
I'll handle this. Uncle Percy was
in the trenches in the First World War.
325
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:43,774
- Know what he used to say ?
- What ?
326
00:25:43,942 --> 00:25:46,775
Aghh ! Bloody hell ! Thousands of Germans !
327
00:25:46,945 --> 00:25:51,245
Who will rescue me ? Mummy, I wanna go home !
328
00:25:51,416 --> 00:25:53,077
Shut up ! Shut up !
329
00:25:53,952 --> 00:25:56,386
Shut up ! Shut up ! OK ?
330
00:26:04,763 --> 00:26:09,063
- This is a bloody good idea !
- Want some more ?
331
00:26:09,234 --> 00:26:12,897
Why not mug the first person that comes in ?
332
00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:14,436
Great idea !
333
00:26:15,340 --> 00:26:18,537
- What's that for ?
- You were the first in.
334
00:26:18,710 --> 00:26:22,111
- But I haven't got any money.
- Damn !
335
00:26:23,715 --> 00:26:26,582
Not much in this mugging game, is there ?
336
00:26:26,751 --> 00:26:29,584
No, I'm talking about subsequent lavatarians.
337
00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:32,279
The next person who comes in, we mug him.
338
00:26:32,457 --> 00:26:35,290
Or her, if she's a perv. Never know your luck.
339
00:26:36,528 --> 00:26:39,429
We get 500 quid, nip down the pawn shop,
340
00:26:39,598 --> 00:26:42,761
redeem the leg and put it back on.
341
00:26:42,934 --> 00:26:46,233
We'll be back home before you can say...
342
00:26:46,404 --> 00:26:49,771
- Someone's coming into the toilet.
- Someone's coming into the toilet !
343
00:26:50,742 --> 00:26:53,210
Quick, Eddie ! Let him have it !
344
00:27:01,453 --> 00:27:04,445
It's Chief Inspector Grobbelaar.
345
00:27:05,357 --> 00:27:07,291
Shit !
346
00:27:10,695 --> 00:27:14,654
Get on with it, you filthy scum.
Why not get a real job ?
347
00:27:19,537 --> 00:27:25,066
- Happy with the line-up ?
- No, you know it's us. We've no chance !
348
00:27:25,243 --> 00:27:31,580
- That's the beauty of it.
- How about a make-up artist or sex change ?
349
00:27:31,750 --> 00:27:36,414
I demand to see a lawyer...
preferably a female nudie one !
350
00:27:36,588 --> 00:27:42,049
If you'd shut up, I'll go down the line
and see if I can spot the felons.
351
00:27:48,767 --> 00:27:51,827
Damn ! What happens now, copper ?
352
00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:55,700
I invite everyone
to give you a damn good kicking.
353
00:27:56,541 --> 00:27:59,567
- What ?!
- In your own time, gentlemen.
30358
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