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1
00:01:25,185 --> 00:01:27,813
What time do you call this ?
2
00:01:36,629 --> 00:01:39,291
Er... Half past one.
3
00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:42,526
Where have you been ?
4
00:01:43,336 --> 00:01:47,432
I've been to a car-swapping party.
5
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:50,770
- Car-swapping party ?
- Yeah, it's great.
6
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:55,244
The men stand in a circle
and throw their wives in the middle.
7
00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:59,317
You pick one and she escorts you to your car.
8
00:02:00,553 --> 00:02:04,819
- You're not married.
- No, that's why I came home on the bus.
9
00:02:05,992 --> 00:02:10,554
- It's parked outside.
- Great banter. I'm bereft of ribs.
10
00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:14,496
Now perhaps we could dally with the truth ?
11
00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:17,135
Right, OK.
12
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,363
I was struck by lightning...
13
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:22,167
...and, er... et cetera.
14
00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:25,709
Several hours ago,
you left to get two fish suppers.
15
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:29,110
I gave you �1.75. Where's my halibut ?
16
00:02:30,683 --> 00:02:35,245
OK, here we go. �1.75, yeah, I remember that.
17
00:02:35,421 --> 00:02:37,753
Was that today ?
18
00:02:37,924 --> 00:02:42,827
The town planners are irresponsible
to put the Lamb and Flag
19
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:46,124
bang next door to Neptune's Pantry.
20
00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:48,961
- You mean...
- Yes...
21
00:02:49,802 --> 00:02:52,635
...I have liquidised your assets.
22
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:56,308
- Sit down !
- I am sitting down.
23
00:02:56,476 --> 00:02:58,842
You're squirling around like an evil dervish.
24
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:02,140
Do you want a fight, or what ?
25
00:03:03,616 --> 00:03:07,746
Nice bit of interior design !
26
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,855
Hey ! Oh !
27
00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:15,892
I've just found a quid ! Right, I'm off out.
28
00:03:16,062 --> 00:03:19,259
Tell the wife I'll be home around eight.
29
00:03:19,432 --> 00:03:23,493
- Whose wife ?
- Anybody's. I don't know where I'm going.
30
00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:26,097
Ta-ra !
31
00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:36,946
OK, I give in. Where's the front door gone ?
32
00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:41,478
How did you get so drunk on �1.75 ?
33
00:03:43,189 --> 00:03:46,556
There's a sale on at the chemist's.
34
00:03:49,429 --> 00:03:55,061
- What do you mean ?
- Old Spice, 25p a bottle.
35
00:04:00,473 --> 00:04:02,532
Where'd the floor go ?
36
00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:05,769
Lordy, Lordy, every single night.
37
00:04:05,945 --> 00:04:09,574
I can't complain. He's only been drunk once.
38
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:12,411
Trouble is, it's lasted 17 years so far.
39
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:18,123
A-ha ! Welcome to Eddie's Bar.
40
00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:22,326
There you are, my little beauty.
41
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:31,667
A-haa ! Wooh ! That's better.
42
00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:34,773
Taxi for the Copacabana !
43
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:38,035
Oh, no, not the bleach ! Eddie !
44
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:39,610
Eddie ?
45
00:04:40,546 --> 00:04:42,138
Eddie !
46
00:04:42,715 --> 00:04:44,239
Right !
47
00:04:58,064 --> 00:04:59,622
Right...
48
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:04,463
Eddie ! Eddie !
49
00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:06,901
Bloody hell !
50
00:05:09,609 --> 00:05:13,670
Well, that's just effing marvellous !
51
00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:17,475
That's the fun evening in with the fish supper.
52
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:21,381
Oh ! I don't know why I bother !
53
00:05:21,554 --> 00:05:24,853
I've cleared the decks, hoovered, ironed.
54
00:05:25,024 --> 00:05:28,118
I even had a go at flushing the toilet.
55
00:05:28,294 --> 00:05:30,888
Oh, well, off we go again.
56
00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:35,501
Why do I do it ? Because I'm a nice person.
57
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:38,865
Righty-ho. Where's the noose ?
58
00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:50,079
Thank you, Lord,
for making me such a nice person.
59
00:05:50,249 --> 00:05:54,413
There's not many of us -
just me, Jesus and Mahatma Gandhi.
60
00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:57,912
Actually, I'm a lot nicer than them two !
61
00:05:58,091 --> 00:06:03,461
Jesus had problems, but he didn't
have to put Eddie to bed every night.
62
00:06:06,065 --> 00:06:07,498
Right.
63
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,635
Do your balls hang low ?
Can you swing 'em to and fro ?
64
00:06:09,802 --> 00:06:11,770
Can you tie 'em in a knot ?
Can you tie 'em in a bow ?
65
00:06:11,938 --> 00:06:13,929
Do you get a funny feeling
when they're hanging from the ceiling ?
66
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:16,268
You'll never be a sailor
if your balls hang low
67
00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:32,221
Take it easy, Selina, we've got all night.
68
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,793
Heave-ho, heave-ho !
69
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:41,294
Do your worst, slanty-eyed fiend. I won't talk !
70
00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:47,463
Good evening, Your Majesty.
I can see your pants.
71
00:06:53,813 --> 00:06:58,147
- What ? What ?
- Bedtime, Eddie !
72
00:06:58,317 --> 00:07:00,945
Right, bedtime.
73
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,281
- Night-night.
- Nighty-night.
74
00:07:04,624 --> 00:07:07,115
Five, four, three, two, one...
75
00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:14,529
Well, nighty-night, then. Er...
76
00:07:33,419 --> 00:07:35,944
Eddie, is that you, Eddie ?
77
00:07:39,759 --> 00:07:42,592
Oh, God, there's someone downstairs ! Eddie !
78
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:46,055
Eddie !
79
00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:48,200
Eddie !
80
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:54,435
- What the bloody hell...
- Shh ! Listen !
81
00:07:54,607 --> 00:07:58,941
Don't panic, but we've got
some trouble downstairs.
82
00:08:00,379 --> 00:08:02,506
That's no reason to wake me up !
83
00:08:02,682 --> 00:08:06,914
- Change your pants and see the doctor.
- No, Eddie...
84
00:08:08,955 --> 00:08:12,083
I think someone's in the drawing room.
85
00:08:12,258 --> 00:08:16,490
- The what room ?
- The drawing room.
86
00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:22,567
I don't think I've been in there.
We've got a room just for drawing in ?
87
00:08:22,735 --> 00:08:26,865
You're so common. Do you call it
"the snug" or "the saloon" ?
88
00:08:27,039 --> 00:08:30,099
- Oh, the lounge.
- Yes, the louuuunge.
89
00:08:30,276 --> 00:08:33,473
There's someone in the louuuunge.
90
00:08:33,646 --> 00:08:38,379
- That's sorted, then. I'm off to bed. See you.
- Eddie, no...
91
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:44,247
- Oh, God, what are we gonna do ?
- What about ?
92
00:08:44,423 --> 00:08:49,554
- The burglars !
- You mean we've got burglars downstairs ?
93
00:08:49,729 --> 00:08:52,425
- In the sketching room ?
- Yes !
94
00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:55,123
Aghhhh !
95
00:08:57,870 --> 00:09:00,464
- OK !
- All right ?
96
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:04,303
- Yes, thank you. Oh, Rich...
- Yeah ?
97
00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:10,238
- Settled ?
- Settled.
98
00:09:10,416 --> 00:09:12,816
Now what are we going to do ?
99
00:09:13,819 --> 00:09:15,844
Shit our pants ?
100
00:09:17,356 --> 00:09:19,916
- I've done that.
- Thought so.
101
00:09:20,092 --> 00:09:23,220
- I'm on to stage two.
- What about surrender ?
102
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:27,833
Good idea. No, no... They might beat us up.
103
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:31,299
And cut our bodies into 1,000 pieces ?
104
00:09:31,470 --> 00:09:35,566
- Skin us alive.
- Then put on our skins.
105
00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:39,939
Do foul depraved lovemaking
to our twitching corpses.
106
00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:44,640
- And eat our livers.
- Drink our blood !
107
00:09:44,817 --> 00:09:50,278
- Play cricket with our hearts.
- Using our love truncheons as wickets.
108
00:09:50,456 --> 00:09:54,859
And do pagan dancing, flapping our skins about.
109
00:09:55,027 --> 00:09:59,259
Smearing naked girlies' breasts
with our throbbing brains.
110
00:10:00,232 --> 00:10:04,566
- Not much of an option.
- No. Given the choice, I'd skip it.
111
00:10:09,075 --> 00:10:13,637
- That sounded like the Chesterfield.
- It wasn't that far away.
112
00:10:14,313 --> 00:10:16,372
What if they're looking for drugs ?
113
00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:21,412
- We haven't got any.
- They'll be here all night !
114
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:25,618
Why don't we chuck a Lemsip downstairs ?
115
00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:29,055
Eddie, these are hard men.
116
00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:35,189
They've been snowballing heroin all night.
A lemon drink won't assuage them !
117
00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:39,134
Got it ! Bisodol should get them on the move.
118
00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:44,265
You'll have to go down, fight them off
and phone the police.
119
00:10:44,443 --> 00:10:46,502
- What ?!
- Where are you going ?
120
00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:48,670
Leicester. Give me a call when it's over.
121
00:10:52,018 --> 00:10:56,079
Only joking. It's very good for morale.
Look !
122
00:10:57,390 --> 00:11:01,349
- What's that ?
- My mother's service revolver.
123
00:11:01,961 --> 00:11:05,453
- Your mother's ?
- It's all I was bequeathed.
124
00:11:05,631 --> 00:11:10,125
She left me, the carrycot
and this revolver on the doorstep.
125
00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:15,934
And a note saying, "Please look after
my baby. I can't be bothered."
126
00:11:17,476 --> 00:11:20,673
- She was a wonderful mother.
- How do you know ?
127
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:23,644
I saw the article in the "Police Gazette".
128
00:11:23,816 --> 00:11:26,910
Off you go, downstairs, and see 'em off.
129
00:11:27,086 --> 00:11:30,886
- Are you joking ?
- What's the gun for, then ?
130
00:11:31,057 --> 00:11:34,584
- To shoot the lock off the roof hatch.
- Good idea.
131
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:40,289
- Why don't we use the key ?
- It's always the same with you !
132
00:11:40,466 --> 00:11:46,871
Any problem, you find a simple, sensible
solution and everything's okey-dokey.
133
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:51,271
I get one chance in my life to look a bit sexy,
134
00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:54,277
to look a bit like Clint Eastwood...
135
00:11:54,447 --> 00:12:00,408
I don't wanna be called Eddie any more.
I wanna be called Dirty Eddie.
136
00:12:00,586 --> 00:12:05,956
- Out the way, punk. I'll shoot the lock.
- Do you want to be skinned and buggered ?
137
00:12:06,125 --> 00:12:08,889
I'd like to see you try !
138
00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:12,662
Not me, I'm talking about the burglars.
139
00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:17,895
They'll hear the gun.
We'll take the key and unlock the door.
140
00:12:19,972 --> 00:12:21,963
Where's the ladder gone ?
141
00:12:22,708 --> 00:12:28,010
The police confiscated it
when the nurses moved in next door.
142
00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:32,640
- Bend over and I'll climb on your back.
- Okey-dokey, Skip.
143
00:12:36,388 --> 00:12:37,855
Careful.
144
00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:43,527
That sounds like the Sheffield.
145
00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:49,362
- Eddie, help !
- I'll switch the light on.
146
00:12:49,535 --> 00:12:51,366
No, Eddie !
147
00:12:59,044 --> 00:13:02,810
- Help ! Eddie, they've got me !
- Stand to one side.
148
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:11,056
Oh... Aghh ! Eddie, I've got one !
149
00:13:11,223 --> 00:13:13,555
I've got you covered.
150
00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:17,662
- Up you get ! Into the colouring-in room.
- Yeah !
151
00:13:20,166 --> 00:13:22,634
- Sit on that chair.
- Thank you.
152
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:27,102
We bloody well did it !
Thought you could take on us,
153
00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:30,333
take on the Hammersmith hard men ?
154
00:13:30,509 --> 00:13:35,879
I'm a Falklands veteran
and Eddie's... got a special type of gun.
155
00:13:36,048 --> 00:13:39,575
- So watch it !
- I think you've broken my rib.
156
00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:43,449
Gosh, you've got a big bottom !
157
00:13:43,622 --> 00:13:46,785
- Eddie, tie him up.
- Yeah, tie him up.
158
00:13:46,959 --> 00:13:50,986
- Give him a bit of his own medicine.
- Then a bit of MY medicine.
159
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:57,432
- You don't know what I've got yet.
- I can't see the rope anywhere.
160
00:13:57,603 --> 00:14:03,098
- We can't see the rope anywhere. Scared ?
- Yeah !
161
00:14:03,275 --> 00:14:07,678
- What about Blu-Tack ?
- Yeah.
162
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:11,408
Well, no, that's a crap idea, isn't it ?
163
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:14,951
- Yeah, just joshing, Chief.
- Yeah.
164
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,782
Just toying with you, punky.
165
00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:21,552
- What about... sellotape ?
- Do it, Eddie !
166
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:33,133
All right, Buster, I want some answers
and I want 'em damn quick.
167
00:14:33,305 --> 00:14:35,933
But not so quick that I can't understand.
168
00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:38,972
- Richie !
- Excuse me.
169
00:14:39,144 --> 00:14:42,739
- What ?
- Shall I make him sweat, Chief ?
170
00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:47,784
- How ?
- An overcoat and hot water bottles.
171
00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:51,582
No, we've got to break him psychologically.
172
00:14:51,757 --> 00:14:53,486
Watch this.
173
00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:04,125
Hello.
174
00:15:07,339 --> 00:15:09,170
Excuse me.
175
00:15:09,341 --> 00:15:15,678
- Damn ! What do you say ?
- Nothing, just slap 'em about a bit.
176
00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:21,548
- Good ! Did you train for this sort of work ?
- No, but my uncle worked in a prison.
177
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:25,417
- What did he do ?
- Peeled potatoes, sewed mailbags...
178
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:29,391
Right, slap him about a bit. Off I go.
179
00:15:29,561 --> 00:15:32,621
Do I look good, 'cause I feel great !
180
00:15:39,838 --> 00:15:43,365
OK, Eddie, take over. Break the mother.
181
00:15:43,542 --> 00:15:47,308
- Has his mum turned up ?
- No ! Question him.
182
00:15:47,479 --> 00:15:48,878
Ah.
183
00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:04,052
So...
184
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:08,060
...did you see "Emmerdale Farm" last night ?
185
00:16:08,233 --> 00:16:11,828
- Eddie, a word.
- Excuse us.
186
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:18,166
- It's the wrong question.
- You think he's a "Brookside" man ?
187
00:16:18,344 --> 00:16:22,713
No ! You're an embarrassment,
a real embarrassment !
188
00:16:22,881 --> 00:16:28,444
We want to look hard, and you make us look
like two git-faced scaredy-cat turnips.
189
00:16:29,188 --> 00:16:32,783
- That's what we are.
- But we don't want him to know that !
190
00:16:32,958 --> 00:16:35,518
It'll undermine our power base.
191
00:16:36,261 --> 00:16:41,096
This is ridiculous. Where are the real police ?
We haven't got the training for this.
192
00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:45,400
Police, who do you think ?
193
00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:49,503
Evening. It's 11 Mafeking Parade.
194
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:52,371
- Get some officers here now...
- Richie !
195
00:16:53,879 --> 00:16:57,576
We won't be needing them.
There's no burglary. Sorry.
196
00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:01,948
I must have been
sleep-telephoning again. Night !
197
00:17:03,455 --> 00:17:07,152
- Christ, Eddie...
- This is worth thousands !
198
00:17:07,326 --> 00:17:10,318
- Let's keep it.
- No, let's flog it.
199
00:17:10,496 --> 00:17:12,691
- Sell up.
- The Bahamas !
200
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,196
- Birds !
- Booze !
201
00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:16,596
- Breasts !
- Busfuls of dusky maidens...
202
00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:20,432
...fulfilling every sordid...
...whim.
203
00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:23,302
And a slap-up grill for two.
204
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:27,411
Whatever you fancy ! Let's go !
205
00:17:27,579 --> 00:17:30,013
Oh, we're going to Barbados...
206
00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:33,874
- Wait a minute.
- What ?
207
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:37,454
- What about him ?
- Damn !
208
00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:42,290
We'll have to get rid of him somehow.
209
00:17:42,461 --> 00:17:45,658
Well, nobody knows he's here.
210
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:48,858
We could kill him.
211
00:17:49,468 --> 00:17:51,766
Excuse us. Eddie, a word.
212
00:17:55,874 --> 00:18:00,811
- What did you just say ?
- He's outside the law, isn't he ?
213
00:18:00,979 --> 00:18:04,676
I mean, he made the decision.
214
00:18:05,350 --> 00:18:10,481
Are you suggesting we murder
this defenceless burglar without a trial
215
00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:14,387
- just so we can live the high life ?
- Yes.
216
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,927
Bloody good idea !
217
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,895
How shall we do it ? Er, how will you do it ?
218
00:18:21,066 --> 00:18:23,967
We should give him the old fish fingers.
219
00:18:24,136 --> 00:18:27,196
They've been in there for months.
220
00:18:27,372 --> 00:18:33,038
- We had them last Thursday.
- Did we ? That's why I lost three stone.
221
00:18:33,212 --> 00:18:36,841
That was you, was it ? I've been trying
to flush that for days !
222
00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:43,486
Mind you, I like the poison motif,
that's very good.
223
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:49,584
- What about pigeon pellets ?
- You don't die from eating pigeon poo.
224
00:18:49,761 --> 00:18:55,131
No, the pellets the council
bunged up there to kill the pigeons.
225
00:18:55,300 --> 00:19:00,237
Good idea. I'll put the kettle on,
you go and grab some.
226
00:19:00,405 --> 00:19:04,432
No, Eddie, it's too dangerous.
You'll have to do it.
227
00:19:04,610 --> 00:19:07,602
- Why me ?
- You're stupider than me.
228
00:19:07,779 --> 00:19:12,045
- I wish I understood that.
- Hurry along.
229
00:19:12,217 --> 00:19:15,482
I wonder how this endeavour will end ?
230
00:19:18,123 --> 00:19:22,457
Just making a cup of tea,
Mr Burglar. Won't be long.
231
00:19:24,196 --> 00:19:25,493
How's it going ?
232
00:19:26,298 --> 00:19:29,495
It's a bit tricky.
233
00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:34,571
I can't quite reach it from here.
If I lean on it, I'll go through.
234
00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:37,937
Distribute your weight all at the same time.
235
00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:41,807
Lower yourself over the area and it'll hold.
236
00:19:42,981 --> 00:19:46,007
OK !
237
00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:52,354
Well, did you get it ?
238
00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:59,094
Yep, here we go ! Doesn't matter about the roof.
239
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:02,700
I mean, we'll be in grass skirts from now on.
240
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,893
Right !
241
00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:09,302
One lump or two, Mr Burglar ?
242
00:20:11,910 --> 00:20:15,038
Here we are, three cups of steaming tea.
243
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,648
Let's do it !
244
00:20:22,020 --> 00:20:25,683
Lovely evening. Eddie, take off his gag.
245
00:20:29,595 --> 00:20:33,463
Where's his moustache ? Oh, there it is.
246
00:20:33,632 --> 00:20:37,500
- Well, you won't be needing it anyway.
- Shh ! Eddie !
247
00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:41,070
- What does he mean, I won't need it ?
- Er...
248
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:45,074
Eddie's insane. He doesn't mean anything.
249
00:20:45,711 --> 00:20:51,809
Yes, that's right ! Er... Uh-huh-heeh !
You're going to die.
250
00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:56,250
See ? Complete gibberish.
Cup of tea, Mr Burglar ?
251
00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:59,083
Eddie, which one's got the... ?
252
00:21:00,626 --> 00:21:03,060
- The what ?
- The...
253
00:21:03,228 --> 00:21:08,530
- The hand in it ?
- Coo ! Coo !
254
00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:10,133
K-k-kew...
255
00:21:10,302 --> 00:21:13,635
- The owl in it ?
- How many syllables ?
256
00:21:13,805 --> 00:21:16,638
Put his gag on and come to the corner.
257
00:21:18,377 --> 00:21:24,077
- No, which one's got the poison in it ?
- The yellow one !
258
00:21:25,584 --> 00:21:28,246
Eddie, they're all yellow !
259
00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:31,945
- It'll be one of them, then !
- But which one ?
260
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:36,857
A-ha ! The one with the poison in !
261
00:21:37,562 --> 00:21:39,393
Right, hold this.
262
00:21:52,344 --> 00:21:55,177
Right, let's get on, shall we ?
263
00:21:55,347 --> 00:21:59,841
Sorry, but you'll have to drink all three.
Eddie, take off his gag.
264
00:22:00,886 --> 00:22:04,617
- No, you've put something in it !
- Get it down you !
265
00:22:06,058 --> 00:22:08,492
That's it. Another two.
266
00:22:13,398 --> 00:22:16,731
Right, this shouldn't take long.
Let's have a sit-down.
267
00:22:21,673 --> 00:22:25,439
Not all glamour, this murdering business.
Sorry, faux pas.
268
00:22:26,278 --> 00:22:29,076
Eddie, change the subject !
269
00:22:30,415 --> 00:22:35,443
Er... Did you know that the common gnat
only lives for two hours
270
00:22:35,620 --> 00:22:39,215
but makes love 169 times !
271
00:22:39,791 --> 00:22:43,591
Extraordinary !
That's the mirror opposite of my life !
272
00:22:44,062 --> 00:22:46,223
Oh, that old chestnut, love.
273
00:22:47,566 --> 00:22:52,936
Ooh, I'm parched. He's had
three cups of tea and he's the burglar !
274
00:22:53,105 --> 00:22:55,300
How are you feeling ?
275
00:22:59,144 --> 00:23:01,271
- Police !
276
00:23:01,446 --> 00:23:03,778
Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ahhh !
277
00:23:06,017 --> 00:23:08,542
Eddie, it's the bogies !
278
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:13,020
You hide the body and I'll get rid of the police.
279
00:23:18,797 --> 00:23:22,665
Hello, Officer. Anything wrong ? I was asleep.
280
00:23:22,834 --> 00:23:27,430
- We were told you were being burgled.
- Oh, no !
281
00:23:27,606 --> 00:23:33,135
I've been sleep-telephoning again.
Sorry to trouble you. Goodbye !
282
00:23:34,112 --> 00:23:38,515
- Do you mind if we come in ?
- I've got nothing in...
283
00:23:45,891 --> 00:23:49,691
Sure everything's OK ? It's a bit of a mess.
284
00:23:49,861 --> 00:23:53,092
Sorry, me again. Sleep-vomiting.
285
00:23:56,168 --> 00:23:57,499
A-hem !
286
00:24:02,908 --> 00:24:05,809
Good evening, Officer.
287
00:24:05,977 --> 00:24:09,777
You all right ? You have a pencil up your nose.
288
00:24:10,882 --> 00:24:13,146
Oh, yes.
289
00:24:13,318 --> 00:24:15,548
I've been sleep-doodling.
290
00:24:17,556 --> 00:24:19,751
I'm very bad at it !
291
00:24:21,660 --> 00:24:24,060
You realise this paper's upside down, sir ?
292
00:24:26,798 --> 00:24:29,699
So are my eyes !
293
00:24:32,871 --> 00:24:34,702
Hmm...
294
00:24:43,849 --> 00:24:46,750
Did you buy this conservatory in Beirut ?
295
00:24:46,918 --> 00:24:50,149
Great heavens, we've been sleep-glazing again !
296
00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:53,348
Oh, bugger !
297
00:24:54,192 --> 00:24:59,494
Right, now, look, sir,
I'm not sure what's going on here.
298
00:24:59,664 --> 00:25:04,829
It must be someone's birthday.
But whatever it is, just STOP IT !
299
00:25:05,003 --> 00:25:07,631
OK ! Thanks for popping round.
300
00:25:07,806 --> 00:25:10,274
Well done on the Birmingham Six !
301
00:25:11,710 --> 00:25:16,670
Hurrah for the filth !
I mean the pigs. Er, the narks.
302
00:25:16,848 --> 00:25:18,782
Damn, I'm sleep-slanging again !
303
00:25:20,151 --> 00:25:22,278
Whack him, Jenkins.
304
00:25:26,625 --> 00:25:31,085
- Bloody hell, that was close !
- Close ? He got me !
305
00:25:31,263 --> 00:25:33,754
Can't get much closer than that.
306
00:25:33,932 --> 00:25:37,595
- Where in Hades is the body ?
- A-ha !
307
00:25:42,807 --> 00:25:45,173
How fiendish ! Eddie, a masterstroke.
308
00:25:46,678 --> 00:25:49,408
- How do we get him down ?
- Oh...
309
00:25:50,849 --> 00:25:53,215
We'll bash him down with the broom.
310
00:25:59,457 --> 00:26:03,416
No, we'll have to hook a rope round him.
311
00:26:03,595 --> 00:26:08,589
We could feed him sandwiches until he puts
on enough weight till the sellotape gives way.
312
00:26:10,068 --> 00:26:15,028
Or we could drill holes in the bedroom floor
and poke through with long thin things.
313
00:26:15,206 --> 00:26:16,537
Eddie ?
314
00:26:35,060 --> 00:26:38,689
What's happening ? Where are my clothes ?
315
00:26:38,863 --> 00:26:42,492
It's outrageous ! You can see my underpants !
316
00:26:42,667 --> 00:26:47,104
Where have these mousetraps come from ?
Don't move a muscle !
317
00:26:47,973 --> 00:26:53,001
- There's a note sellotaped to my knee !
- What does it say ?
318
00:26:53,745 --> 00:26:55,076
Er...
319
00:26:55,246 --> 00:26:58,409
"Sue Carpenter".
320
00:26:58,583 --> 00:26:59,982
Oh, no !
25441
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