Original subtitles

Right.

I'll bet another week's worth of washing up.

I'll see your week's washing up...

...and I'll raise you four trips to the launderette,

3p in real money...

...and one cleaning and disinfecting right round the back of the lavatory bowl.

- Well, that's cleaned me out. - Right, what have you got ?

Right.

Three pairs !

What d'you mean three pairs? You're only allowed five cards !

Oh Shit...

Er, two pairs. Well, two and a half pairs.

Stand up.

- No. - Come on. - I can't, I've got a hernia. - No, you haven't.

I have, it's all the excitement just gave me a hernia.

- Look, stand up or I will give you a hernia! - All right, all right. - Cards.

- Shoes. - Oh don't be ridiculous, I haven't got a-

You have, I saw you fold them up and put them in there.

- Underpants. - Oh Eddie, those are my best ones!

Look, I'm not angry. It's just we're playing with a deck of 12 cards here.

All right.

Right. Let's get on with the game.

Right. What have you got?

Five kings.

- Damn ! You get me every time ! - Hahaaaaa! Come here my little beauties,

Let's see what we got then.

A signed photo of Sue Carpenter.

Ooh, and a chinese burn. I think I'll have that now !

One of these days I'm going to learn the rules for that game mate, then you'll really be for it.

- Well who on earth can that be at this time of day? - Well I'm not expecting anyone.

- Well, nor am I. - Well, it must be for someone else then.

- Yeah - Right, another game ? - You bet !

- Seven card stud or Crazy Eights? - Makes no difference to me mate, I don't know the rules.

- Right, 'one card slam' it is then. - Okey-doke.

[Gasps] Twelve quid !

Bloody hell ! No wonder they always shoot each other on those river boats !

Oh God, it's him! He's breaking my concentration.

- Answer the door Eddie, this man's costing me a fortune! - I don't have to, mate.

Not for the next six years !

- All right, I'm coming !

- All right, all right !

Who do you think I am, Speedy Gonzales ?

Right, that's enough of that ! That's my electricity, you know. I'm not the Aga Khan !

Oh Cripes ! It's the gas man !

Hello, I wonder if I could just read your meter?

HELLO, MR GAS MAN !

- Er, yes, hello. - You what ?

Hello, Mr Gas Man !

- Er, yes, hello again. I wonder if I could just read your me- - Mr who ?

GAS MAN ! GAS MAN ! GAS MAN !

Do you have someone who looks after you ?

Could I see them, because I need to read your meter ?

- Who is it, darling ? - IT'S THE GAS MAN !

- Um, yes, I think we've established that. - Well, don't leave him out in the cold, dreamboat.

Show him in.

Thank you.

Oohh, it's nice and warm in here.

Right, I'll just have a look at your meter if I may.

Ah yes, here's the little fella.

Oh, you don't want to look at that mate, it's very boring.

I had a look at it once and fell into a coma. Well, actually that's where you're wrong. Because the ones on this street are particularly interesting.

Oh, really? Why's that then?

Well, there's been a complaint from someone in this street that they're paying too much for their gas.

We've got to check all the meters in this street and make sure everything's OK.

Hahaahaaahahahaaahaaaha! Have you checked next door yet ?

No, they're next.

That is if I don't knock off before I get to him.

Ahh, it's, eh, quarter to six now,

so if it takes me 15 minutes to do this one,

I probably won't get to 'em before tomorrow morning.

That's odd !

What? Is there some sort of problem, officer ?

No, it's just a strange reading.

Really? What does it say ?

Nought, nought, nought, nought... nought, nought, nought !

Yep. That'd be right.

Haha. We don't use gas, do we, Eddie ?

- I don't even know what it is mate. What is gas? - All right, all right, don't spoil it.

So how do you keep it so warm in here then?

We, we make love.

No, no, no- not together, you understand. On our own. Err..

That's very interesting.

Takes all sorts, don't it ?

Right, I think I'll be on my way then.

No ! No !

- Wait ! - What is it ?

Do you want a cup of tea ?

Tea ? Er, no, I don't think I will, thank you very much.

You must! You must! You must drink our tea!

It's the best tea in London ! Sit down and drink it for about 12 minutes.

Right, eh yes, I'd love a cup of tea, thank you very much.

Right, I'll put the kettle on, then.

- Eh, put the kettle on? - Put the kettle on... the floor.

'Cause we won't be needing that because we don't use gas.

Ah, hah, how do we usually make the tea?

Er, we usually... use the water... from the hot tap. Don't we?

Yeah, that's what we do. Funny the things you forget, eh ?

Nice trousers.

They remind me of a story I know.

A long story. Lasts about 15 minutes.

Erm, once upon a time...

...there was a big forest.

In the middle of the forest, there lived...

...some trousers...

...called Dave.

Er, well come along Eddie! We're dying for some some lovely cups of refreshing tea !

Is your water heated by a gas boiler then?

Yep. Er, no, it isn't. Er, because we don't use gas, er

because we don't know what it is.

Then why are you using the hot tap then?

We get the cold water from the hot tap.

We get the cold water from the hot tap. That way we save wear and tear on the cold tap.

Em, how d'you heat the water for the tea then?

We don't. We have it cold, don't we, Eddie ?

Yes, that's right. We have it cold...?

- But your pilot light seems to be on! - Is it? Oh my God, it's caught fire!

That was a close one, wasn't it ?

Here we go, then.

Three mugs of steaming cold tea !

Better drink it before it gets warm.

Well, cheerio, then ! This is the best tea in London !

Mmm !

Mmm, lovely. Well come on Eddie, you're not drinking yours.

Yes, I know, I'm watching you enjoying yours.

Well come on, do your fair share you bastard! And you!

- Er, no, I don't think I'll bother if you don't mind. - Yes, bloody hell, I drank mine! Look, it's not fair!

- Er, no, I think I'll be on me way. - You won't, you'll sit down there! You'll sit down there and drink your tea!

Come on. All of it ! Now !

Urgh! Eh, thank you very much. Lovely.

Right, er, I'll just be on me way then.

- No! You can't go. - Oh? Why not ?

- Because I love you ! - What ?

I love you and I can't live without you. At least, not for the not for the next eight minutes !

- Right, that's it. I'm off ! - You stay where you are, mate !

- No, I'm afraid I'm on my way now. - You're not going anywhere !

You're not going anywhere, mate !

Mate ? Mate ?

Eddie, you've killed him !

I never touched him !

Yeah, but the frying pan did, didn't it, and you were touching that at the time!

Bollocks, you killed him. He was dead before he hit the ground.

Well then why did you keep hitting him with the frying pan?

For fun.

Oh God ! What are we going to do ?

About 25 years, I think !

No, rubbish ! It was an accident.

He, he fell over on his way to the door.

That's right! And banged himself repeatedly over the head with a frying pan.

You're right... We're done for !

Wake up, you bastard !

- Calm down ! - I am calm !

ARRGH ! YOU BASTARD !

Calm down, you hysterical girl's blouse !

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. Oh God.

- Oh God, this is real. - That's right. So we've got to be sensible.

Sensible... Let's eat him. No, sorry, stupid idea.

We're not allowed to use the gas, are we?.

Hey! Maybe he's not dead. Maybe he's just stunned. Why don't you give him the kiss of life ?

Yeah !

No, I will not, you sad pervy !

We've got a dead body in the house and your first idea is to sexually assault it!

Ah, come on! You've always wanted to find out what snogging's really like !

Alright.

Look, just hold his nose, yank his mouth open and and blow a load of air into his lungs.

Well that doesn't sound very romantic Eddie. Good grief, it's no wonder you're still single !

- Get out of the way, I'll do it. - Get off, get off! He's my bird ! D'you want a fight about it ?

- Well get on with it then! - All right, I am !

Aw, get out of the way, I'll give him a go with this ! Put the end in his mouth.

How's he looking ?

Fatter.

Mind you, the colour's come back to his cheeks.

Yeah, but it shouldn't be bright purple. Oh, this isn't going to work !

Is he related to you ?

- Hang on, I've had a better idea ! - No !

No, Eddie, no !

Have you no shame ? No, it's not natural !

Ah, besides which, I've got to do the washing up in those later.

- Oh, that's what you're doing ! I thought it was- er, no. - Right...

Open his shirt.

Right. [To the Gasman.] I'm just going to undo your zip. It's nothing sexy ! it's actually quite good for you.

So you lie back and relax.

Well, that's what you're doing anyway isn't it hahaaahaa!

Oh, get out of the way, I'll do it. Here, hold these.

Right, give me the electrodes back. Look, stop dancing ! He's not impressed you know. Stop messing about !

- Phwoar ! - Right, here goes.

Nope, it's no good. He's dead.

- Well, how are we going to get rid of the body? - Well...

I'm still all in favour of eating him.

- I mean, it doesn't matter about the gas problem, we could have him cold. - I don't like the look of him.

Well that's not a problem - we'll sellotape a picture of Sue Carpenter over his face.

You'd soon tuck in then, wouldn't you! I know I would.

All right, here you go then.

Ah great. Here we go. Oh God, there's so much to choose from isn't there?

Hey, wait a minute! I've got a better idea ! We don't have to eat him.

We'll get someone else to eat him for us !

Great, he's still open.

Hello, Amal, how's the kebab business ?

Yeah, yeah, yeah alright, I don't want a conversation about it. It was just an English pleasantry.

Well how are you off for meat ?

Yeah? Well bugger you then!

DDamn! No good - he said his Alsatian got run over this morning

so he's all right for meat for the rest of the week !

What are we going to do with the body ?

What body ?

Eddie, that is absolutely...hwoop!

...pathetic !

- Yeah, well it's early days. We've got to flatten it out a bit. - Oh right.

That's not bad, actually ! That's pretty good. You know, I think we're going to get away with this !

- Right, I'll pretend to be a policeman. - Okey-doke.

Hello, hello, hello. What's that dead body doing under the carpet ?

- Damn! Hoh. - Hey! I've just had an idea ! Why don't we stick him on a bus ?

Yeah! No, no good, the conductor would notice when he didn't pay his fare.

- No no, why don't we stick him ON a bus? - Because the conductor would notice when he didn't pay his fare.

I mean on the roof !

Urgggggh. You don't get conductors on the roof !

Exactly. That's what makes the plan so flawless !

Nobody'll find him 'til he gets to the depot and even then they won't know where he's come from.

Yeah! Well, not unless they look in his pocket-book and see that the last job he had today was here. Oh, er-

Well, that's no problem. Oh look, he's got a fiver here. That should come in handy !

Right, then, where are we ?

Ah, here we are. Right...

"No problem with the meter in this flat.

"Don't check for another three...

"...hundred years.

"Nice people, especially the bloke with the glasses

"who wasn't holding a frying pan.

- Er, "Nice atmos altogether, really." - All right, Dickens. Get on with it !

"Left in high spirits...

"to indulge in my hobby...

"...of bus-surfing."

Ooh, quick, Eddie, there's one at the lights!

One... two... three...

Bloody hell, my head !

Argh, argh, where am I ? What happened ?

- You banged your head on the frying pan Eddie was holding. - Several times.

And then you tried to throw yourself out of the window.

Oh God, it's the loony! Let me out of here!

Yes, you've got no time to go next door now. You'd better knock off straight away. You'd better get home to your wife.

- Right, yes... I haven't got a wife ! - That'll be the amnesia, mate.

- Right, yes, er, er, I wonder where I live? - Yes. - Aaagh.

You stupid bastard ! I knew you'd get us into trouble !

- He looked all right to me. - I'm not talking about him, I'm talking about nicking next door's gas supply.

What time is it now ?

Erm, big hand is a- quarter past six.

Is it? Right, that means we've got until nine o'clock tomorrow morning which is er, err, er-

Phwor, that's a difficult one, isn't it ?

- Five it's- er, er- - There's a five in it. No... No, four hours twenty-seven minutes.

Is it? Oh yes, that's right, I was just about to say that. That means we've got four hours and twenty-seven minutes to get in

next door and remove that illegal gas pipeline that we connected to next door's mains, right?

I'll keep him talking and you go into the kitchen and do all the dangerous stuff, okay?

That sounds just a trifle unfair to me.

Haahhhh, that's the spirit! Have you got the wrench?

No, it's just my underpants are a bit tight.

No Eddie, no! No, no! There's no time for merriment!

- We've got to get in and do a job, matey! Okay? - OK.

Right. Come on, let's hasten to the neighbour's. Shouldn't be any problem.

- He's a nice enough man. - Now that's true!

- Evening, Mr Rottweiler ! - What is it ?

Just a friendly visit. May we come in?

- Bugger off, I've got a bird upstairs! - But we've brought you round.. half a bottle of sherry.

Ta very much. Anything else ?

- Who is it, darling ? - Them bastards from next door !

- I won't be a tick. - Have you got a real woman in there ?

- Cor! Can we have a look? - Sod off !

- Oh no, go on, go on, just a peek. - Do you mind if I get my camera ?

Look, don't make me angry!

Something very special's happened to me. I'm in love ! It's the real thing.

So I don't want you two jerks coming round messing things up, d'you understand?

If I see either of you again tonight, I'll kill yer !

- What ?! - Shut my fingers in the door.

Agh !

Keep your head down !

What ?

Keep your head down !

Pardon ?

It doesn't matter !

What ?

It doesn't matter !

- What doesn't matter ? - What I just said !

- What did you just say ? - It doesn't matter !

No, no, I heard that. Before that.

- I was just telling you to keep your head down. - Oh !

I know that !

Arsehole !

I heard that !

- Bloody Nora ! - Shut up !

They're having it off !

I'll be right over !

Bloody hell !

You see, I told you, you do do it like that.

God ! Who'd have thought it ?

- Shove over. I can't see. I can only see one nipple ! - Careful - Move over.

- I want to see some more ! - Careful ! - Arh, look, arrrgh! Arrghhh! Hoooo-oop!

Get one shot.

Now, according to my calculations, Rottweiler's kitchen should be just about here.

- Nn-yeah. - So, I make a little hole,

you squeeze through, fix the gas and slip out through the front door while I replace the bricks.

- I mean, what could be simpler than that ? - Absolutely nothing !

You're right. And absolutely nothing can go wrong ! Right, just take out a couple of bricks here-ish.

Okey-dokey matey!

- Despair not ! - Despair what ?

Faint heart ne'er won fair maid !

You talk an incredible amount of bollocks, don't you!

Come on ! Ssh !

- Shut up, shut up! Come on. Shhh, shh sh shh. You go into the kitchen, I'll tidy up in here. - Okey-dokey !

- Mind the squeaky board !

- That one ?

- That's the one. - OK.

Me, too !

There. Oh no! Hah!

- How are you doing, Eddie ? - Very well, thank you.

How much longer are you going to be ?

Oh, quite a while.

I'll just, er, tidy things up in here.

No, no, no no no!

Right, time for a bit of work.

Sssh !

No one would ever know !

Richie !

Sssssh !

Richie !

Why didn't we just pay our gas bill ?

- Riichiiiee! Richie! - Shut up !

Ooh, you really made the earth move, you sex monster !

Come on ! Let's do it some more, you raunchy love handle !

Ahhh, you great hunk of zebra !

Eddie, Eddie, what the bloody hell do you think you're doing ?

- I thought I'd burn it off. - What, your face ?

No, the excess gas.

Oh really. Well how long will it take to burn off the entire North Sea gas reserves ?

- I don't know, what d'you reckon? - I reckon we ought to get out of here!

Okey-dokey. I'll just get rid of the evidence.

Come on, come on! We bloody did it ! You and me together, from here to eternity ! Come on, let's get out of here!

Hello...er...

Up the stairs, quick !

Quick, in here!

- Well give me a hand, for Christ's sake ! - Hang on, just a quick one for the album.

Bloody hell, my kitchen ! Help !

- Help ! Somebody call the Gas Board ! - Hello. I'm from the Gas Board.

Blimey, that was quick ! Look, my kitchen's on fire !

My God, no wonder your gas bill's so high!

- How did this happen ? - You tell me, Face-ache, you're the bleeding expert!

- Well where are the other two ? - What other two?

The two loonies from next door. They were here a moment ago.

- Here, in my flat ?! - Aye ! Large as life !

Urrrgh !

There we are. The last brick.

Huhhh! Safe and sound at last. Hah, I never thought we'd get away with it !

Put it right there, old pal !

No, I will not !

Brains you see Eddie. Brains over brawn. Haha! I don't expect we'll be seeing Rottweiler for a bit!