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There's another diva up and having undressed up in Prada.

He was technically our teacher, but he taught us Nada.

He lived by a more-- or more is more?

But now the bird is dead.

But you'll pick you up.

You'll pick your ass.

Silence.

Enough.

I need to hear what you'll say about me when I'm gone.

Gone forever.

Tragically.

For you.

I'm leaving Abigrove because.

I am goose.

To announce I will be starving.

In a seasonal extra, the guns are.

A pantomime.

A miss don't throw away from London sent Martin's lane.

Well, it's in Swinden.

Swind?

The big leagues.

I know.

I know.

But you said you'd never do pantom over your dead body.

I said I wouldn't haul myself out to some provincial pantom.

But I'm sure you'll all agree.

I can't let you hold me back any longer.

Hoping had pointed out the playground to some German Christmas market.

I do not leave a minding that I am a year older and not a penny richer.

Hey!

It's very explicit.

I don't know.

Well, not using Xmas.

It's squish-wise.

Anyway, why are you glowing like a Greg's greasy sausage roll? I might.

That is the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me.

Wait, jigs.

I ain't Christmas the tits.

Those are people.

Those are food, those are prezies.

You can't afford any of those things.

This morning we were trying to find Lego with one of your kidneys.

Yeah, I was until the cellar blocked me.

Did you know that eBay don't accept organs?

Is that how our Instagram don't let you post nipples?

It's not entirely the hinting.

That's what it is.

But, do you know what doesn't cost us a penny?

The Abbey Grove Christmas love.

Not now, not ever.

I'm not going to sit around and watch you get drunk.

And go on about how diard is a Christmas movie.

Well, it is.

No, it isn't.

Instead of Christmas.

But, could you watch and enjoy it any time of the year?

Yeah, but I could do if you didn't keep changing Netflix password.

It's Stephen as a star.

But, all the S's, I don't have a science ledger.

Uh-huh.

Oh, come on, you're not going to be like Christmas lunch.

You're not going to be like Christmas lunch!

You're not going to lick!

Sir, are you really not going to come to lunch?

It's not that I care, but I don't, not, not, not.

Not, not, care, isn't it?

Look, I am sorry, but I am meeting the rest

of the cast tonight and, I need to disco now.

I want to look good.

So, what, this is goodbye then.

I guess I'm.

You'll be my press.

T.T. by Anne.

Mitchell?

Have you been drinking Fraser's Eggnog again?

Mitchell!

Mitchell?

Make sure you put some newspaper down before you pass out this time.

The Junta is still Jerome.

Alfie?

Ask me not who I am, but who I was.

Okay, um, well, are you Alfie?

In life, I was Alfred-proof rock-wickers, but no longer.

You don't let your bin dug up.

Yes.

I literally have.

Sorry.

Are you dead?

Yes.

Just, you've always been.

Hello, pasty.

Could you just shut up and let me haunt you, please?

It is not too late to escape my fate, Stephen.

You will be visited by three spirits.

They will prove to you that you belong at Abbey Grove.

Um, I'm dead.

Absolutely not.

Thank you.

I'll be- You sound like you're in terrible pain.

Are you okay?

Yes, I'm just getting ready to sing.

Oh.

These are the chains I forged in life.

Tune from the grades of my students.

These ease use no ease in sight.

It seems that my job I was useless.

Now, I wander the world.

A specter chase by undead of spirits.

Specter so far must you don't show some improvement.

Otherwise, you'll wind up just like me.

Oh, will they also make me wear that G like me? What a silence.

Hide what I say.

In your idleness you have shunned.

The noble tools of the teacher.

You don't give a good for courage.

Your lungs.

You don't even go on Wikipedia.

You're failing the children in your charge.

The bill for your sins has become quite large.

But Stephen, wait.

It's not too late.

For Christmas is a time to change.

The change.

Those ghostly creatures attack shit teachers.

That's right.

They've got the right Mando.

And yet that sucks for you but your boost up to you 'cause I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm going to be a star.

I'm going to shine.

I'm so bright.

I'm going to see my name in massive party life.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

I'm off to do Pantow.

You've been here for so long.

Wait here for you to go.

But I don't want to be a teacher.

Then prepare to meet your dream.

Bastard!

You're not the first person who's tried playing dead on me.

Fraser, what do you want?

I come to you on a matter of deadly seriousness.

They call me the ghost of Christmas past.

Oh.

I think the kids are just being unkind.

No, I'm a ghost.

I am here because I am concerned, feel well there.

Well, you did just wake me up from a very, very important disco now.

And I don't have to notify qualified medical practitioners

before wading into the darkest recesses of your psyche on little more than a hunch.

It's just like the good old days.

It's just like the good old days.

It's just like the good old day.

No, no, no.

You have to take my hand, really.

I'm taking you back to the past.

d It used to be so lovely d

d Back in the good old days d

d Life was easier d

d Folks were breezy of a fantasy d

d Or as was my catchphrase d

d We used to be such jokers d

d It was problematic d

d Is the word you want hung d

d What you're talking about d

d Are things were problematic d

d We call for a mechanic d

d 'Cause in the past we had homeless fun d

d You could whack on a chief that's headdress d

d To help raise awareness d

d How now you're getting it d

d No life was easy, easy, breezy d

d But it's much better now d

d Don't be so hoey other now d

d But then we all could dance to Kenya d

d With no one saying it's wrong d

d With the mops on Twitter d

d We could play, go take her up d

d Really sing along d

d Phrase at the past was awful d

d So drop all that's hired, cliche d

d Yeah, yeah d

d Life was easy, breezy, breezy, breezy d

d Back in the good old days d

d You could get up, girls d

d With no backlash d

d You could tell your male students d

d No splash, no gas d

d So once more for the chief sakes d

d Just like all the old stars say d

d That now, then we could all be proud then bad d

d In the good old, bad to soar d

d It's profitable, good to God d

d I think he needs a doctor d

d Good lad, all that days d

It's Christmas 2010.

Matt Coddle is number one and all is right with the world.

But who's this solitary boy?

A solitary? As an oyster.

Back to hair, blue, contact lenses.

This must have been my white Christmas.

God, I hope it's not my black Christmas.

Hmm?

Fraser, you have ruined my life.

First you banned raw rascals at school.

Now this?

You knew I audition for drama school.

I've been waiting and waiting for an offer and then I find this.

Dear Stephen, Thank you for your unusual audition.

You're the first student who has used the threat of violence

to keep our panels seated throughout an entire

one-man play about Cheryl Cole's back tattoo.

d You may call me coal d

d You may call me sweetie d

d You may call me shell d

d Oh, there's bananas for singing d

d But away, you tattooed d

d These rolls is on my arm d

d Crypto by crypto d

You can't aim me.

Crypto!

But where's the rest of the letter? You tore it up.

It must be around here somewhere.

That's a good look for it.

But in there!

Have you got weird shit in all of these draws?

What's weird about a collection of hair? Wait.

That's it.

You know how I'm not allowed to go to pupils' parties anymore?

Hmm.

Parents, police, operations, snooze.

Well, I was desperate to attend Brad Tinkler's Sweet 16.

Not Brad.

So, I made a decoy.

A life-size replica of myself to leave under your

duvet while she snuck out your bedroom at night.

Better.

I left the decoy at Brad's house.

That way I was safely tucked up in bed.

But everyone thought I was stood stock still on

the dance floor all night like a bloody legend.

Bradhe!

The point is, I made the decoy out of Papier, Mashaay,

and I'm afraid I used your letter to make this.

Mr. and Mrs. Tinkler were not amused.

Oh, my God.

I don't belong here.

So, bounded by knuckle-dragging norms like Mitchell Harper.

Then.

You've heard of evolution.

Humans descended from aches.

Well, like all myths therein lies a grain of truth.

You might be surprised about how much you have in common with those knuckle-draggers.

I don't want anything in common with them.

If I'm like them, then what makes me special?

I'm not going to apologize for being ambitious.

The school isn't all about success.

Really?

Then how come I check it and told I'm failing my kids? Trust me.

That is not the burn you think it is.

So, I'm going to be at Abbey Grove until I'm 16.

Poor boy.

You're going to be here a lot longer than that.

How old are you again?

I want to say 20 knots.

Shut up, Fraser.

Wait!

Steven!

Steven, wait!

I'm trying to show you that you can be happy at Abbey Grove.

If only you'd accept that every single one of us is a star in our own special way.

I'd rather die.

But tell me this.

Did I get a place at Trump's school?

Yes.

But, if it's any consolation when they never heard back from you,

they gave your place to a certain young man

who became the finest actor of his generation.

Tom Holland, Chesney from Coronation Street.

Shimmy No More, spimmy Tommy No Longa!

She has me from Coronation Street.

Ah, Mr Carmichael.

There you are.

I assume you're not trying to upskirt me.

You're still not a crime in my book.

A man needs a hobby.

Um, no.

Wait, hold on.

Are you a ghost as well? Oh, keep up.

Yes.

I am the ghost of Christmas Formo.

Is it Formo? Formo.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, you see soon.

Everyone will sit down to the Abbey Grove Christmas lunch.

Oh, we've got weeds of sausages from the German market.

Are you feeling it?

Loneliness? Jealousy.

The keening pull of regret.

I'm going to say... None of those things, actually.

But you haven't seen how much fun your friends are having.

Jump, jump!

We don't have a night.

Have a let's tell it Christmas.

It's the best time of the year.

You think I'm going to get Formo from Mitchell in his bare feet?

His toes look like they're women they call wigs.

Yes, I know he is.

Well, he's grotesque.

But imagine what he'll be like without you.

I mean, trust me.

I cannot help him.

I try to get him to do the couch to 5K once.

He literally stole a couch.

Where 5K?

Oh, I believe Mr Harper's about to mistake some German market traders for terrorists.

Germans.

Is that been it?

It's a Christmas miracle.

It's die-hard.

Oh, God.

I'll be waiting for this moment, my whole... Ah!

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Watch out, Germans.

Got my favourite.

I'm in quite a lot of pain.

But I'll still come kick your arse, Brits.

Cause my name is John McLean.

Ah!

I mean, that thing was just like not even funny.

Oh.

I've got the eggnog.

I've got the eggnog.

Mind the... Ah!

Ah!

No, this will cheer you up.

It's a festive cordial with great black currents and raspberries.

Ten years ago, a ghostly voice told me to invest in Vinto.

And I've never looked back.

Vinto, Vinto!

Come and get your Vinto! He's a crypto.

No, I have a German to English phrasebook.

Whole, whole, whole.

Mr. Harbour.

We all knew this day would come when

Mr. Harbour's tenuous grip on reality would fail.

And he would disappear into the Uber, as Bruce Willis.

I've got to see you this, man.

Yeah, let's go.

Maybe we should wait for Mr. Harbour, Michael.

Ah, I'm so over this.

If Mr. Harbour could care about us, he'd be here.

Is his last date ever.

I'd be grown, man.

I'm sure he's busy preparing to meet the cost of his pants window.

Bitch, please.

Sir thinks he's better than us.

But even, he's finally realised he ain't that girl.

Forget Matt Ball, he's too busy doing mother-goose in a shitsville.

Swimming.

Whatever, Warren.

Of course, it's too embarrassed to show his face.

Bitch, I swear, you better hold me there.

He's following his dream.

OK, it's utterly humiliating, but that only makes his courage even more inspirational.

You know?

It's all heart with Warren, like he's not even mentioned in my looks once.

Come back, Cambridge.

Oh, God, that'll be Mr. Harbour in the ventilation shaft.

I mean, come on, guys.

Well, you won't miss that, Ravel.

They're hardly the kind of children who are getting

12A stars on the front page of the telegraph.

They're good kids.

They're funny and kind and, I mean, fair play.

They're not going to get any A stars, but I don't know.

I miss them already.

Well, back to the task in hand, you need to stop dwelling on past injustices

and start living in the present, or at least pretend to.

So as I can cross you off my list.

Wait, maybe I'm locking myself off.

I mean, I'm a star.

Period.

But it could be cute to be in an ensemble.

I mean, let's be honest.

No one's going to outshine me here.

If a coy I owe you nothing so I killed all the terrorists.

They thought that they could outsmart me, but it seems I'd clear the rest.

That's not true, sir.

She's not hands-glue, Bob.

Jesus, this egg looks 50.

50.

But it was proper, April.

So I won't throw it all.

The rest.

Ooh, that's you.

Mr. Mitchell's the greatest.

The greatest teacher I know.

I know.

Must be teachers to say this.

Whoa.

But Mr. Mitchell is no widow.

If you are feeling down, you'll tear you right up.

He's never worn a frown who'll take you to the pub.

But strictly as a mate, it's definitely not a night.

Mr. Mitchell's so light.

He's all kind of star.

He says we'll go far.

Missy might be really quite thick with a rubbish car, but he's still a star.

And better than that.

If we get too stressed or upset, then he's got our back.

He's all kind of star.

A wonderful blow.

No, as is no grace.

He's with him because he's always broke.

He's all kind of star.

He makes us believe that you can do anything you set up to achieve.

He's all kind of star.

Mr. Mitchell's the best.

The strongest deal this land can forge.

Hey.

He doesn't dress to impress.

Clearly.

But who needs a money when you've got your?

He shows us all the facts about the birds and the bees.

Plus what you can achieve with no GCSEs.

He's all kind of star.

A favorite guy.

If we get arrested, she's there with an alibi.

He's all kind of star.

He is our favorite teacher.

He's all kind of star.

He's all kind of star.

He's all kind of star.

He's all kind of star.

He's all kind of star.

He's all kind of star.

He's all kind of star.

He's all kind of star.

He's all kind of star.

He's all kind of star.

He's all kind of star.

He's all kind of star.

He's all kind of star.

He's all kind of star.

He's all kind of star.

Hello.

Hi, children.

For the last time, my smoke machine is not a toy.

Another one.

Hi.

You're right.

Oh, a reunion.

It's going to be a hard pass for me.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry to know.

It's splendid to see all of you.

Entrance.

I always admire your loyalty to impure your emotions.

Goodness.

I'd forgotten about that old nickname.

I'm afraid my road to youth today is behind me.

Well, I'm sure you know all about my career.

Oh, I don't think I-- Ah, there's a politician.

It's important to be reminded of your humble beginnings.

In it.

Oh, of course.

I was the one who banned drug weirdings at school.

Oh, I swear.

That's my soul, look where it is.

So, uh, Harrison, you look a bit different.

I hear you're working for a pharmaceutical company.

Oh, big farmer.

You should do.

All these signs is trying to turn me into a guinea pig.

I think you mean they're trying to use you as a guinea pig.

All right, darling.

Love you.

Okay.

Ciao.

Ciao.

I'm guessing.

Lawyer?

Oh, that must be fulfilling work, Jemima.

Yeah.

The jinx represented one of the big farmers who experimented on me.

A certain cosmetics company was trialing a new lead-based nail polish.

And I didn't get any compensation at all.

Good on you, jinx.

It's funny, isn't it?

I still can't believe he's not here after all these years.

Oh, children.

I know.

I know.

He was a one-off.

I'll never met anyone, so.

Tyler dead.

And funny.

And sweet.

It's good we're all here together.

Do you remember him?

What do you mean, remember?

Who's photo is in that frame? See for myself.

Oh, God.

You got me, girl.

Wait, spirit.

Does that mean if I quit tonight, Warren's just... Oh, my God.

Just a little bit awkward because I love

him, but I'm probably still going to take the Pantow, so.

Warren.

I thought you were dead.

I am.

I'm a ghost.

When did you die? I died at 14.

That's all right.

I mean, did you die easily?

I died in a boating accident.

Apparently, drowning is basically like falling asleep.

I'm drowned.

Look at the rest of the class.

It was a fascist.

Harrison.

Harrison lives a hard-scrabble life showing up his thumbs to men in car parks.

They don't even remember your name.

I mean, police.

Now you're being silly.

Be familiar.

Wait, what was his name again? I mean.

Miss Saffen.

Saffen.

It's Stephen Carmichael.

Ah!

Thank you, Jake.

She was always my favorite.

The only reason I remember is because she was named.

In a new legal case of ours.

A legal case.

Maybe unsighted in somebody's divorce.

Or a stalker.

Cute.

Is Stephen still in shoulders?

Yes.

Duh.

Well, radio.

Oh, my.

A little bit retro.

What would we move?

He does the shipping forecast.

Ah!

Fucking, salty, six-to-gale, eight-fog, moderate-to-conversal.

He's responsible for an oil tanker overturning off the coast of Australia.

Poisoning the world's last remaining coral reef.

And... Killing war, isn't it? Yeah.

He was swimming in that coral reef.

So, you see, sir.

If you leave Abbey Grove, not only do you rob us of creativity and join our lives,

but you become a poster boy for wanting destruction.

Absolutely, but you're happy it has to buy.

Oh, so you won't try.

Try your chameleon, Warren.

I am sorry, but press is a rest.

Maybe.

Just tell your pastel.

Not to go skip your diving.

What?

What have this worked?

You can't do that to me.

Ooh!

It's right to me!

Oh, yeah!

Look at my head!

Look at my head!

I can't believe you didn't show.

You always said that he hated it here, but just thought it was part of the act.

Didn't even say goodbye.

This might cheer you up.

I'm planning a diving holiday.

Anyone want to see some photos of the coral reef? Nope.

Yes.

Bitch up there!

Oh my god!

What might you change your mind?

I listened to you.

I may not be exactly where I dreamt I was going to be when I was 15.

But I'm not going to give away everything I've got for everything I'm not.

I've finally realized what makes me special.

It's you guys.

To look on your faces when I just walked in.

Your all stars.

And... I mean, that planet was just not right for me unlike an artistic level.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

And just out of interest, what part did they give you? Fine.

I didn't realize I was being cast of the panto horse.

Where'd you end? The wrong end.

And the front part was being played by Chesney from Coronation.

Oh my god.

Well, let's see.

I will have you know, he's on my place at Trump's call.

Well, I'm glad you didn't go.

Otherwise, we wouldn't be mates.

Let's give the janitor the fright of his life.

It's time for my solo number.

Hi, I'm German!

My god, Harrison's actually happening.

He's a Christmas miracle.

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

Ha-ha!

Yeah, come on see!

Yeah, come on see!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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