Original subtitles

Hey, sister.

Can I trade you a doobie for a junior vegan sub?

It's against corporate policy to barter.

But we do take zelle.

Zelle?

Is that, like, another word for nitrous?

It's actually a pretty tight digital payment network

Run by a conglomeration of the world's largest banks.

Hey, hayley, why don't we have a quick chat in my office?

I noticed you've been really applying yourself lately.

Thanks, boss. That's not a compliment.

Are you old enough to --

Hayley, do you know what the "sub" in "sub hub" stands for?

Submarine? No.

Subculture.

Here at sub hub, we pride ourselves

On hiring punks, metalheads, and that one guy, amir.

I don't think amir is part of a subculture.

He's just foreign.

Why split hairs?

Point is, you were hired to be this branch's hippie.

But you're not a hippie. You're a poseur.

Whoa! Can you still call people that?

Face it, hayley -- you may dress like a hippie,

But you've been working hard, showing up on time,

And what's worse, you passed your last drug test.

[ gasps ] I'm gonna have to let you go.

Hand over your name badge and tuna scooper.

But, boss, I --

Your badge and tuna scooper! Now!

[ theme music plays ]

♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shinin' a salute to the american race ♪

♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ good -- ♪ ♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪

Not a hippie. I'll show you not a hippie.

Ain't no one on this block more hippie than me.

[ phone chimes ]

Oh, hell yeah!

My amazon stock just split!

Space jam!

Hayley, this is an intervention. You're a poseur.

You guys think I'm a poseur, too?

I just got fired 'cause of this!

Oh, we know. Mason called.

But now it's not your time to speak, hayley.

Now is your time... To listen.

Steve.

Hayley, if being an inverge -- an involuntary virgin --

Wasn't bad enough, now you've made me a...

[ voice breaking ] ...Sibaud!

A sibling to a fraud! Klaus!

[ sighs ] I'll just go from memory.

Hayley, you're not just any kind of poseur.

You're a wack-ass poseur.

So the whole family's against me.

Not me. I'm actually really proud of who you've become.

Oh, god! Jeff?

Sorry, babe, but you're no hippie.

When was the last time you stuck a flower into a policeman's gun?

[ sighs ] you're right. I'm a poseur.

But...I can change!

You will change.

And we know where you can get help.

[ electric guitar playing taps ]

♪♪

What the hell are you doing, flower child?!

Get back in bed!

This is hippie boot camp, god dang it!

I better not catch you with your eyes open

Till noon at the earliest!

Sorry, sir. Don't "sir" me!

We're all equals, and power dynamics are an illusion!

Now drop and give me 20!

No! I meant drop acid and give me a 20-minute instrumental jam!

♪♪

[ birds chirping ]

[ mid-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ birds chirping ]

It's not enough patchouli until I'm ready to puke!

You call that a blunt?! It's clearly a spliff!

This is my bong.

There are many like it, but this one is mine.

You know what? Maybe I'm not a hippie anymore.

And being here is making me even more of a poseur.

Oh! Sick, bro.

I love watching chicks self-actualize.

Klaus? That's right.

I tagged along because my authentic identity

Is as a sidekick and a sounding board.

I don't know what to do.

I was a hippie for years,

But now I'm lost, and I don't know where to turn.

[ singsong voice ] you could always go to church with me

Ew! No!

I know where you can get a fresh start.

There's one place that will always accept you.

[ breathing heavily ]

And that, hayley, is improv comedy.

Wow! That was tolerable.

And are you wayne brady?

I am. But I am also whoever you want me to be.

You see, hayley, a good improviser fully submits

To the almighty power of whatever a stranger says.

Let's practice.

Can I get a location? Mars!

Matt damon's already been there. What else?

Nope. Seen enough.

I'd love to charge you 15 hundo for our intro course,

But improv is no place for inauthentic cowards.

Maybe try stand-up.

Great. Now what?

[ singsong voice ] you could always go to church with me.

Gross! Get out of here!

Well, there's one place we could try.

Ugh! It's just the same song over and over again!

Um, it's a little more nuanced than that.

Some of the songs are also covers of worse songs.

Well, it's not for me.

Well, these tickets were four bucks,

So I'm going back and getting my skank on.

So...Church?

Fine.

Praise be!

Plus, I don't go to just any church.

I go to black church.

Like in the movies?

[ pipe organ playing ]

[ hoarsely ] let us pray.

[ whispering ] is it supposed to be this boring?

I thought black church was fun. Not black catholic church.

Black catholics are notoriously dull.

Who's that?

Black baby jesus.

Not him. I mean the guy he's kicking.

You don't recognize the devil?

He got kicked out of heaven 'cause he was a fake.

Waltzing around like a goody two-shoes when he was...

Well, he was the devil!

Well, maybe the devil was just trying to figure out who he was.

Forgive me, black father.

I should not have brought this white woman into your house.

[ ominous music plays ]

[ brakes squeak, engine stops ]

Good news.

I'm not a hippie or a poseur anymore.

[ deep voice ] I'm a devil worshipper.

Nice try, hayley, but I think you're gonna find it pretty hard

To shock the unflappable stan sm--

Eek! Bla-- bla-- bla-- bla-- black lipstick!

Tell me when she's gone!

Aah!

[ door slams ]

Yeah, that's right. I worship the devil.

Oh, and also I relish in the glory of pain.

Hayley, you're embarrassing yourself.

You don't speak aramaic, you don't own a grimoire,

And you've never severed a wolf's penis

Under a waning moon.

Poseur.

I am not a poseur! Ooh! Ow-ee.

I thought you relished in the glory of pain.

This is the same as when you were pretending to be a hippie.

The outfit is fire, but it's all a facade.

No, it's not!

I am going to a meet-and-greet for devil worshippers tonight.

Then you'll see!

I'll be the most authentic devil worshipper you ever heard of!

[ door opens, slams ]

Parenting is hard, steve.

Remember that before you start a family.

♪♪

[ indistinct conversations ]

Hey, hayley.

Tuttle? You're a devil worshipper?

Oh, I've summoned a demon or two in my day.

Wait. You've summoned demons?

Oh, yeah.

I'm actually still pretty good friends with beelzebub.

He owes me a casserole dish.

I want to summon a demon!

Thing is, only real devil worshippers can summon a demon,

Or the consequences can be deadly.

Oh! I'm -- I'm for real. So, how do I do it?

Easy! Everything you need is in those scrolls over there.

[ ominous music plays ]

Aww! This demon's a cutie pie!

And to summon you, I need... Whoa!

Virgin's blood?

[ birds chirping ]

Space jam! [ gasps ]

Is that a tampon? Poseur.

Everyone knows devil worshippers free-bleed.

Tears of an innocent.

Gotcha, dream!

Jeff! My mom thinks your hat is stupid.

I heard her say it.

[ crying ]

Ohh! Slaughter a red fox?

I can't do that.

Francine: Hey, hayley!

You still down there being a poseur?

[ birds chirping ]

[ applause ]

Pops, you know that job I applied for?

I got it!

So I got to pack up and move to another forest.

Wait! You can't leave me!

Haven't you heard you're supposed to

Stick by your father in sickness and in health?

That's for married couples.

Marry me, son!

[ audience laughs ]

Listen, pops. I'm moving out.

You see that?

The dummy of my loins is abandoning his father!

Uh-oh. I think I'm having a heart attack!

This is the big one, elizabeth! I'm coming to join you, honey!

[ grunts, groans ]

Well, I didn't slaughter it.

But I am stepping on its tail!

This has got to be good enough.

Audience: Aww!

[ down-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

Annal, nathrak, uthvas, bethod, dochyel, dienvay.

Annal, nathrak, uthvas, bethod, dochyel, dienvay.

Annal, nathrak, uthvas, bethod, dochyel, dienvay!

[ dramatic music plays ]

It is I, xnzux,

Archduke of interdimensional space hell!

Space what, now?

Space hell!

You know -- "hellraiser," "event horizon," et cetera.

Who has summoned me?

Not me! I was trying to summon this cute little --

I mean... I did summon you.

Me! The summoner!

Then you will face me in a challenge

Decided by your very first utterance.

Like in "ghostbusters."

Space jam?

So it shall be done.

[ dramatic music plays ]

I shall summon looney tunes on your behalf,

That we might face off in a space jam

When the stars align under the darkest of skies,

Lit only by an impending blood moon.

It's on! Wait. Is it a Thursday?

'cause I got hot yoga on Thursday.

Should you lose, I will drag langley to space hell!

What? I got to warn people!

I mean, yeah. I would.

Okay. So, don't be mad,

But I accidentally summoned interdimensional space demons.

Come on, hayley.

If you don't believe me, just check the basement.

Xnzux: It is I, xnzux!

[ screaming ]

Hayley, you summoned a basketball team worth of demons

Into our basement!

Do you know how dangerous that is?

Of course I know it's dangerous!

They said they're gonna drag us all to space hell

If I don't win at space jam, which is when --

Please, hayley. Everyone knows what a space jam is.

Yeah! Sounds kind of rad, actually.

It's not rad! The whole town is in danger!

But only if you lose, right?

Well, yeah. But --

You could easily win a space jam.

And it's not like the demons are affecting anything

By being in this dimension.

[ thunder crashing, wind whistling ]

Holy hell! It's raining blood!

This is why I got into this business!

So the blood rain is because you summoned

Interdimensional space demons, huh?

That's hard to believe. But it's true!

Hayley, I've been your neighbor for years.

I say this gently, but you're a bit of a wack-ass poseur.

She's being real this time!

We saw the demons too!

You see? The demons are real!

And they're gonna drag us all to space hell

If I don't win the space jam.

Sure, but only if you lose.

Do you believe in yourself as an athlete?

Hayley: Of course.

And could you lead the home team to victory?

Like no one else.

I'm the michael jordan of langley falls.

Then it sounds like we have nothing to worry about --

So long as you win. Which she will.

Steve: How could langley lose with bugs bunny on our side?

Yeah. Me and bugs versus a sack of punk-ass demons.

That's what's up, doc.

I'm about to embarrass y'all on the court.

All of langley's behind me. There's no way I can lose!

[ laughter ]

You really thought we were gonna do a space jam

With you, a poseur?

We were clowning you.

We know you didn't really slaughter that fox.

And now everyone else will know that you're a total fake.

You guys are being really mean!

Aww. Thank you.

And the blood rain wasn't us. That was monsanto.

[ flames hissing, crackling ]

Roger, where have you been?!

Brushing up on some of my lesser personas.

What's with the tizzy?

I accidentally summoned

Interdimensional space demons who --

Duped you into thinking they'd do a space jam

Then pulled out to expose you as a poseur?

Tale as old as time.

So...No space jam?

No. Yes space jam.

We're gonna fake a space jam.

What?! That verges on the ridiculous!

No. She's right.

If you don't pull this off, no matter where you go,

You'll always be the girl who cried space jam.

But how do we fake a space jam?

With the help of the realest guy I know, wayne brady.

His improv team could dress up his demons

And we could dress up as the looney tunes!

I could write an "I believe I can fly"-type

Inspirational banger!

I could help with the costumes!

And I could make snacks!

Actually, if I'm being realistic,

I'm not going to make snacks.

All right!

We're gonna fake us a space jam!

Roger, we'll need costumes for interdimensional space demons,

Bugs bunny, taz --

I'm a lawyer here on behalf of disney, warner bros.,

And whatever companies disney and warner don't own yet.

I'll be attending the "space jam,"

And if I catch so much as a whiff of copyright infringement,

You're going to jail!

So either keep it in the public domain

Or off the basketball court!

[ door slams ]

Oh, man! We're so screwed!

Relax. Sometimes constraints can focus you.

When's the game?

It's when the stars align under the darkest of skies

Lit only by an impending blood moon.

That's a weird way to say "tomorrow."

Barkley: What's up, langley?

I'm charles barkley,

And this is a space jam.

Visiting from another dimension that's hellish

But not quite technically hell --

Let's hear it for the demons! [ crowd booing ]

♪♪

All right!

And now, leading the home team,

Give it up for hayley smith! [ crowd cheering ]

Due to a scheduling conflict,

The looney tunes couldn't be here tonight.

But langley's team is still packed

With public-domain favorites

Such as popeye the sailor man's girlfriend olive oyl's brother,

Castor oyl!

[ light applause ]

♪♪

More ass hair oyl,

'cause it smells like balls in here.

Barkley: From a comic strip, I've been assured once existed,

Boob mcnutt?

[ crowd murmuring ]

Not even a giggle? Boob mcnutt's a funny name!

Barkley: Next up -- frankenstein monster!

[ crowd cheering ]

The crowd is going wild

For a character they finally recognize!

Dad, lose the bolts in your neck!

Universal studios owns the rights

To bolt neck frankenstein!

[ metal squeaking, crowd booing ]

♪♪

Barkley: And last but not least, felix the cat!

[ crowd cheering ] wait. Who's in that one?

Klaus. How's he moving around?

His driving cane. Ah.

Before we get started,

How about a suggestion from the audience?

I have a suggestion. Win!

So, it shall be done.

[ pipe organ plays ]

♪♪

[ crowd murmuring ]

Oh, great.

Of course basketball's your thing.

Nope. Never touched the basketball before.

This is just what happens when you give yourself over

To the power of improv.

But you said you'd let us win!

Sorry. Hope you brought your "a" game, bitch.

Okay. I want a clean game.

It's space jam rules, so pretty much anything goes.

[ whistle blows ]

[ crowd cheering ]

Oh! Steve?

[ feedback squeaks ]

♪ if I ascertain it ♪

Whoo!

♪ I might could do it ♪ [ crowd cheering ]

♪ if I just discern it ♪

♪ possibly I'll achieve it ♪

♪ I perceive that I ♪

♪ might be capable of flight ♪

♪ I wrote this song just yesterday ♪

[ crowd cheering ] ♪ it's pretty good considering ♪

♪ there's a chance I'll ascend ♪

♪ langley may win in the end ♪

♪ I perceive that I ♪

♪ I perceive that I ♪

♪ might be capable of flight ♪

Whoo!

♪♪

[ thunder crashes ] [ roaring ]

[ buzzer sounds ]

Francine: What does castor oyl even do?!

I don't know.

I couldn't find clips of him online.

We just know he's from "popeye."

Popeye? I've got it!

[ dramatic music plays ]

A-badda-a-badda-a-badda- a-badda--

That's copyright infringement, folks!

Hope you like jail!

[ crowd booing ]

Hey, ref. We're down a player. We got to sub someone in.

Its space jam rules. Do whatever.

Steve! Plan b.

[ feedback squeals ]

Folks, please welcome, all the way from the year 1918 --

It's koko the clown!

[ "the entertainer" plays ]

[ crowd murmuring ]

♪♪

Wow. I did a really great job on these costumes.

With time running out, the demon stars lead to...

Whoever these guys are by 1 point!

I can't lose, hayley. I am an improviser.

You're just a phony.

Nuh-unh! I'm...

I'm hayley smith.

[ dramatic music plays ]

[ crowd gasps ]

[ buzzer sounds ] space jam.

[ crowd cheering ] [ up-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

[ dramatic music plays ]

It is I, xnzux!

[ crowd gasps ] [ sighs ]

Aah!

[ fingers snap ]

That's right, langley! You've been played as fools!

This wasn't a real space jam!

No shit. Do you think we're all idiots?

Wait.

You knew this game was fake, that hayley was still a fraud?

Yeah, but so what? She was entertaining.

The space jam got the whole community together.

It was an excuse to get out of the house.

And it made ma happy.

Besides, hayley's just a 19- or...Maybe 22-year-old kid.

Yeah. He's right.

We're sorry, hayley.

You're not supposed to have it all figured out yet.

But you! How dare you?

A timeless being coming into our dimension

And preying on the insecurities of a young woman?

You're filth.

I'm a demon.

Thanks, you guys. I guess I learned my lesson.

I don't need to be a hippie or a devil worshipper.

I can just be hayley,

Even if that means I'm a little lost sometimes.

Sweet black baby jesus, that's corny.

[ wind whistling ]

Bye-bye! See you soon!