Original subtitles

At ease.

Gentlemen, I will be brief.

You've completed your training.

And now, you stand ready to take your places in the front ranks

of the regiments your forefathers made famous.

Your superiors have sought to lighten the load

our nation has been forced to carry.

We have divested ourselves of our colonial possessions.

We've broken our historic ties with United States

and with an island once known as Great Britain.

We've made no detente with the Russians

or with the Germans.

We stand alone.

Proud, independent, glorious.

We are today, after Homeric efforts and sacrifices

a nuclear power, we have the bomb.

My generation assures you

who inherit the fruits of our labors

that if and when, sooner or later

Europe is incinerated

France will not be found wanting.

A French bomb will explode with the others.

No, no.

- No, no, no. - What is this outrage?

Why? I've nothing to do with them.

I'm an honest, law-abiding woman.

- No, madame... - And I'm on an import...

Great find.

From the men's room of The Apartheid Club in Johannesburg.

Great find.

Great find.

You know how much I paid for it?

I paid a million Francs for that.

For one million Francs, you can have my whole toilet.

- Now. - No, not now.

- What are you doin' in here? - What does it look like?

- I'm bleeding to death. - On my towels?

Don't worry. Have 'em framed. They might be worth something.

How did it happen?

Did it, uh, did it happen in bed?

Some of us are wounded in the streets.

I demand to know what you were doing at that time?

You want some lemon mousse?

What do you think you're doing?

You come in here. You come in here.

You walk straight through your auntie's bedroom.

You use my bathroom.

I should like to remind you of something.

There is such a thing as common politeness.

Get out, you! Get out! Out!

I don't have to be grateful for your charity.

I can move out.

What would you do if you moved out?

- I should live. - You'd starve.

- You would end up in a toilet. - Big deal.

All these on the wall, be just like home.

You know what you are, you're a Rolls-Royce Communist.

You want to travel to the barricades first class.

- On my money. - Wealth like yours.

It's acquired through the blood and toil of others.

It's dirty money. I know.

Have you noticed this one?

From the men's room of the YMCA, Jerusalem.

Hebrew graffiti is almost unknown, you know.

- No, I didn't know. - What does it do to you?

- Do to me? - Yes, does it shock you?

Does it excite you? What does it do to you?

- It just saddens me. - What does that mean?

When they dig this up in the 40th century

they'll learn more from these things than the new testament.

How can it sadden you?

When I was at school, I used to draw those.

You should've kept 'em. Cornered the market.

Alright, I'll liberate you from your sad conscience.

What do you want most? You wanna change the world?

I want my generation to have a voice.

You wanna get rid of the establishment.

- Make a new establishment. - A better one.

That goes without saying. They're always better.

Until they...until they are proved the same.

Go back and finish your breakfast.

And shut the door.

So use me. Make use of my filthy money.

My power if you like. I'll make you a present of it.

Here.

You want to save mankind.

This is the instrument.

What is it?

It's the means to justify the ends.

Because if you have to clean out a sewer

you need to get your hands dirty.

Inside this suitcase is the very latest type of plastic bomb.

It's okay, it's not fused yet.

In room 22, in the Palais de Chaillot

now, at this moment, there's a meeting going on.

A meeting which could decide your future and mine.

Now, at this very instant, a group of men are planning

to crush China with nuclear weapons.

Even at the risk of starting World War III.

Serious family men who go to church

when the newsreel cameras are rolling

and kiss their children goodnight.

Just faceless, ordinary monsters.

If you want to live with your conscience, do us all a favor.

The Chinese included.

Blow them up.

Then come back, and we'll talk about your principles.

Rosary?

Oh.

Mr. Commissar. How are you?

And again, please don't worry. Have faith like me.

Now, a gentleman whom I don't know

will meet us at the cafe over here.

He'll give us our answer.

- He's a genius. - You don't know him

- and yet you say he's a genius? - I give you my word.

I've never laid my eyes on him. Yet, when eventually we meet

we'll know each other to the depths of our souls.

- My dear Commissar. - Ah.

You know the General, I think, by repute anyway.

Berlin '45. Those were good days.

The best.

Reverend, sorry we're late. The traffic, I'm afraid.

Mr. Chairman.

Like the poor, the Citroens breed like flies.

The General, here.

- General, pleased to meet you. - Reverend.

I hope we're not going to have appalling service.

- No, I've briefed them, sir. - Well, hurry them up, Julius.

You know, it's the same thing with domestic help.

We're actually down to four gardeners.

What will you have? I told them to get in my special scotch.

Fine, fine.

You don't mind, I'll stay on coke.

- Monsieur. - Oh, there you are.

Bring my own scotch. And one coke and some cigars.

Sure.

God! Beau. Did you get that?

- Hmm. - Hmm.

- It's not every man's poison. - It reminds me of my childhood.

- Tell him to bring the bottle. - Bottle?

The scotch. I want the bottle on the table.

You see, I know these people. I came from them.

Fortunately, I escaped.

You came from a poor family, did you, Mr. Chairman?

I believe, I was one of 11. I'm not sure.

Mother spent most of her life bent over a wash tub

in order to send me to a good school.

I'll always be grateful to her.

But you know...I just can't remember her face.

In fact, my only memories of her

are of a rather large rear-view as it were.

Oh, what have we here?

- Please don't encourage them. - No, thank you.

They'll make things impossible for us.

Just go away, will you? We're not here to buy things.

What are we doing here, by the way?

What I always admired about the Commissar

is that he never lets the grass grow in Wall Street.

Our first task is to find a name.

We can't smoke this.

What do you think we are, travelling salesmen?

Bring us a selection of Habanos.

A name that will stir the pulse. It will set the brain up well.

That will inspire confidence like a cathedral.

You want suggestions, eh?

All we have is a blank space.

I think the word "miracle" has a certain ring to it.

Yes, but that's been overworked by the Japanese.

No, I was thinking of something like, uh

United General International.

Yes, that's very good. It's very good.

That was just an example.

It's already been used, that one.

Too bad.

It isn't my line. That's a lot better.

We can try these, gentlemen.

- General. - Thank you.

- Excuse me? Did you drop this? - What? I never drop anything.

- Then this money isn't yours? - All money is mine.

It actually was yours, was it?

It was certainly more mine than his.

Hundred Franc notes are for the rich, not the poor.

Waiter. Will you see that we are not disturbed.

This place is like a circus.

I'll get that.

Get him away, too.

- What's he doing? - I don't know, sir.

Only Irma understands him. Irma.

What's all this about?

Oh, he says it is a very beautiful morning, sir.

But it was nicer before you stuck your face into it.

I'm sorry about all these disturbances.

Now, uh, what were we saying?

- The name. The name. - Oh, yes.

Well, it's my reputation.

In the course of my life

I personally organized 11 great corporations.

On the basis of 11 magnificent names.

You can appreciate this one

the round dozen must be a masterpiece.

Well, don't worry about it.

It will come too.

Extraordinary.

- That's it. - What is it?

That face.

The blonde, you mean?

No, no, no. Not the girl. No. That face.

The one with his nose to the glass.

Friend of yours?

I've never seen him before in my life.

It's a face that's been to the edge of the world.

And looked over.

And now it's looking at me.

Yes, that's it.

He understands.

Gentlemen. Our problems are at an end.

Did I miss something?

I mean, is there some significance in that man?

Reverend, one look at that face, and I knew.

One look at mine, and he knew. He'll be over.

- And when he comes? - He'll tell me what to do.

Business is done this way, with total strangers?

Commissar, I trust neither my wife nor my daughter

or my best friend.

- No, all that's normal. - But a face like that.

I would trust with my inmost secrets.

Extraordinary.

Not really.

Look at him. Those sullen lips, those furtive eyes.

The reflection of death in the features.

Those are guarantees of loyalty guilt-edged.

It's fantastic, I'm always this lucky.

Oh, really, really, Dickey.

You are the most irritating dog to take for a walk.

How are you, Gabrielle?

You needn't shout.

It's Wednesday. Wednesdays, I hear perfectly.

It's Thursday.

And I brought Aurelia as a witness to your folly.

True love is never a folly.

Why must you be so cruel.

Oh, where is he?

You'll see.

Is that all?

I prefer it that way.

He...he is the soul of courtesy.

They are the worst kind, Gabrielle. Beware.

He'll make you put on black riding boots while he dances

the can-can around you, singing god-knows-what filth

at the top of his lungs.

You think that is what he has in mind?

Of course. Men have lost all sense of decency.

Aurelia, must you talk sex in front of Gabrielle.

Why not?

After all, there are two sexes.

But Gabrielle is a V-I-R-G-I-N.

Well, she can't be that innocent. She keeps canaries.

In any event, the whole thing

has been a complete waste of my time.

Good morning, ladies.

Merde!

Keep the change.

Incredible news.

- Commissar, Reverend. - Robert, good to see you.

- We haven't met, have we? - No.

General, this is Robert. My stock-broker.

- How do you do? - Wonderful to have you.

Sit down and have a drink?

Don't have a drink. Tell us what's happened.

Julius, get me my latest quotations.

Now, tell us all. No. Wait a minute.

Will you get him out of here? Out!

Well. The market opens at 10.

Half a million shares issued at par, one hundred.

And by the way, I had already put a little 'Wall' rumor

in circulation, before breakfast.

So it squirted on the curve at 124.

And we start buying at 125, 26, 29...

- Now, who is "we"? - Me.

130, 132, and it's going up and up and up.

Just like the mercury on the first perfect day of summer.

136, 141.

By now, I've every chance to drop in a few names.

A hint here and there.

Nothing much, but quite sufficient until today.

More sunny days with ICI.

Maybe a merger with Eastern Hennequin.

Eastern Hennequin.

- We started that. - Really?

And it's still climbing. 143, 145.

It tops the magic figure at 150.

Classic, classic.

- Now, could I ask you... - Don't, it'll only confuse you.

Go ahead.

But I thought, enough is enough.

Don't let's get too overconfident.

Now.

Our agents plant a story about a new tax-owned capital.

Market falls. Down, down, down.

The sun goes in, 120, 112, 107, 103.

Below par, 97, 93.

And, of course, at 93, we'll start buying back again.

Beautiful.

At 11:30, government officially denies tax rumors.

And the market goes bullish.

97, 99, over par again in one great swoop.

122, 1-3-4, 1-4-6 and by noon we've got it all back.

Net profit.

Five and half million dollars.

Perfect. Just perfect.

Yes, I thought it was pretty good, myself.

- Now, do I get that drink? - Waiter.

- The final quotation, sir. - Hmm.

Robert, you're a bit out.

I made only five million two today, so you pay for lunch.

Am I hearing things?

Or does he keep singing the same two lines over and over?

You're quite right. This place is a circus.

I must apologize. Where is the waiter?

Now, you miss.

Can't you stop this idiot from annoying your patrons?

- Well, who is he annoying? - Us, who else?

Nobody has ever complained before.

You should all be pleased. He's got a very good voice.

His only trouble is, he can't remember the rest of the song.

- Otherwise, he'd be perfect. - Unbelievable.

Now, you just tell him to move away. We don't know his song.

You know me, sir. Know me?

And it's quite incredible as the years pass

how much one can't recall.

Oh, my card, sir. Paul Jadin, doctor of medicine.

If you wish to consult me ever, my office is there.

Third table, weekdays, from 2:00 to 6:00.

Well.

I need a name.

I need a quarter of a million.

A very proper sum.

On account of 50% of 100% of profits.

Without questions.

To be paid into a numbered account.

Of course. It goes without saying.

Now..

...the name.

It's for a corporation.

- Something, uh.. - Unusual.

Yes. I know.

250,000 in cash. No checks.

Yes, I understood you perfectly.

International Substrate of Paris Limited.

Robert. 250,000 dollars in cash.Arrangeit.

You're happy with that name, are you?

Happy? I'm delirious.

But what does it mean?

It means what it says. I'm a prospector.

And now that you have your name, you need a property.

Precisely.

- I have one. - In France?

In Paris.

It's all in the title.

In the title? You say, it's all in the title.

Substrate? Underground.

Gold.

Oil.

He's crazy.

Yes. Yes, it seems a little out of line.

Oil?

Are you quite certain?

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I'm obviously at the wrong table.

- No, no. - Understand one thing.

I deal only in facts.

Yes, of course. Please forgive us.

There's no question of doubting your work.

Well, now.

Where can my organization be of help?

Obviously, you've got a plan.

- Oh, yes. - Well, then just say the word.

No. I think the first word should be yours, gentlemen.

Money is one thing, trust is another.

Before I reveal my secrets.

We need a little, horse...trading.

Yes.

Yes, that's fair enough.

I think I know what you want.

Shall I start?

You mean this sort of thing, don't you?

On December 30th, 1941, The Saint Barb

a cargo ship flying a neutral flag was torpedoed

and sank with all hands.

I set it up myself.

Having insured it for three times its value.

- Yes. - Fine.

Well, mine was a mistake.

In order to get started again after the war.

I flew to the company which made, uh..

...substandard penicillin.

As a result of which

a certain number of children went blind.

I sent four of my best officers to their certain death

because I suspected one of them to...to be my wife's lover.

As it happened, she was quite blameless.

In comparison to you gentlemen

my life has been spotless.

All I have is the original manuscript of Doctor Zhivago.

Dedicated to me in Boris' own handwriting.

I'll hand it over to you.

I believe God's word must be furthered whatever the cost

I didn't always question as fully as I might

where my financial support came from.

Some of my funds originated with an extreme anti-semitic group.

Well, are we in business?

Oh, yes. I think so.

Then tell us.

Where is the oil?

- You're sitting on it. - Right here in Chaillot?

- Right under your seat. - Good heavens. Chaillot?

Here in Chaillot?

The earth of Chaillot is soggy with oil.

I mean, I've been sitting around here for 30 years.

- Did you ever taste the water? - The water? Good heavens, no.

Then you denied yourself a rare pleasure. Water.

General, uh, gentlemen, is the one substance

from which the earth can conceal nothing.

I have a good nose.

I have an incomparable nose.

From the moment I caught the barest scent

I've worked my way across Paris, glassful by glassful.

Taking untold risks with my bowels.

Sampling from a 1000 saucers

until at last I came to this cafe.

And here, just two days ago, that girl

brought me, my first sip.

My heart began to pound.

She mistook my ecstasy for common lust.

I was trembling like a leaf. I took another.

Was it possible my search could be over?

I took a third, a fourth, a fifth.

There wasnomistake. Ihadfound it.

And each time I drank, my taste buds thrilled

to the most exquisite flavor known to man.

Petroleum.

Miss. Waiter.

Never mind. Let's go inside.

- Waiter. - Yes, sir.

Give us some water and some glasses.

Evian?

No, you fool. Your best tap water, tap water, tap water...

- Shh. - Come on, man.

Not these. Champagne glasses.

- Uh, what are we... - Wait a minute, General.

- Put your cigar out. - Why?

There could be a risk of fire.

What are we supposed to be looking for?

Revelations.

Yes. Yes, get it?

I think so.

- Is it sort of bitter? - No, no, it's uh...

It's not bitter. It's more tangy than bitter.

- Definitely there though. - I believe you.

This water always tasted like petrol to me.

Here I am, with the greatest discovery of the age on my hands

and they won't let me dig for it.

But, uh..

...I do have a plan.

Are my bones ready, Irma? And my gizzard.

Oh, I don't think there'll be much today, Countess.

Oh, wait a minute. Could you wait a minute?

I've got someone over there who's just finishing.

He should show some discretion.

It's the height of bad manners to eat everything.

If not the gizzard, then the giblets.

I can find a home for the giblets.

The tomcat that lives under the bridge dotes on them.

One could actually say without exaggeration

that he dotes on them.

Yes.

Extraordinary.

How the taste lingers in the mouth.

So, uh, my plan. We were discussing my plan.

Have you found it yet, my feather boa?

Not yet, Countess. Three scarves but no boa.

Bloody mitts. It's five years since I lost it.

Oh, take one of these. Nobody's claimed them.

Oh, how about this one?

With my pink rose, and my blue veil. You're not serious.

Let me see that striped one.

A boa like that doesn't just vanish, you know.

A feather boa, nine feet long.

Thank you.

- How do I look? - Superb, Countess.

Yes, it must have been lost for you.

Here. Here's something to sop it up with.

No, I don't want that. I want the manager.

- You. - Oh, what is it now?

What is it? It's you.

It's that fellow, that juggler, that screeching singer.

This female lunatic.

Oh, Mr. Chairman, I-I really do think that, public relations...

Yes-yes, I think we should just accept the situation.

I accept nothing, General. Once you accept, you're doomed.

- Tribune. - And here's another one.

I don't buy news. I make it.

Accept these creatures, and they'll eat you alive.

- Oh, Countess. - Look at them.

They come here, in Chaillot, the very citadel of management.

They have the audacity to beard us with raffish individualism.

With the right of the voiceless to sing

the dumb to make speeches, the unemployed to juggle.

But why concern yourself? What do they matter?

Commissar, I should tell you.

Whenever the poor are happy and servants are proud

whenever the mad are respected, then power is at an end.

It is anarchy.

The only hope for order is the standard citizencomputerized.

Look at that mad woman.

The waiters install her with a flourish

even though she doesn't order anything.

Do I get that sort of service?

What would happen if I, a president of 12 corporations

and a millionaire ten times over was to stick an iris

in my button hole and yell, "Are my bones ready, Irma?"

You see?

Have I proved my point?

We were discussing my plan.

Oh, yes. Of course.

Your plan. Forgive me.

Have you any idea of the exact location

of the city planner's office in the Palais de Chaillot?

It's in Room 22.

Room 22. The office of a bureaucratic idiot.

The city planner who has stubbornly refused

to give me a drilling permit.

Despite influences, bribes, threats...

- Promote him. - Is that all too common

dangerous phenomenon, the self-satisfied man.

Well, we have a saying. If you can't promote them, kill them.

You anticipate me.

In exactly..

...one minute from now..

...a bomb will explode.

The new city planner has already been chosen.

And I think we may confidently expect him to be more reasonable

What happened?

What happened, Sergeant?

A drowned man.

Drowned. His clothes are dry?

Is it possible that he was slugged?

Well, slugged is also correct.

He was jumping off the bridge, my colleague had to apply force.

Otherwise, he would have been dragged under too.

That's paragraph 2, page 16 of the police life-saving method.

Which can be verified in any public library.

Yes, well, what's he doing?

Well, my colleague is applying the Schaefer method

of artificial respiration.

As laid down by the well-known authority on drowning.

But he isn't drowning.

That method's only meant for people who drown in water.

It's no use at all for people who've drowned without water.

Well, what else can I do?

- I've got to go by the book. - It's perfectly simple.

You throw him back in, then jump in after him and save his life.

That way, you'll get a medal.

This way, you'll merely be thrown out of the force

for striking an innocent man.

- I can report that, can I? - Oh, yes, as my agent.

My agents are always innocent.

- I'll look after this. - Right.

Uh, who is that, sir?

The personal correspondent of The Times.

Oh. Well, you understand I was not a witness to this crime.

- Well? - Apparently, it was his agent.

- The matter is under control. - Meaning the one with the bomb?

Taxi!

I think we should make ourselves scarce.

Now, report all developments and tell the prospector

that if necessary, I'll prove I've never seen him before.

Any scandal would be tragic at this point.

I'll just sayaurevoir. See you at the next board meeting.

To best of my knowledge, which admittedly isn't up to date

the latest method is to apply mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Mm-hmm. Have you any medical qualification, sir?

Possibly not, but I am a doctor.

Ahh. So what would you suggest, sir?

It depends entirely on what's wrong with you.

As a matter of fact..

Oh, how beautiful he is.

Is he dead?

Hold that mirror over his mouth.

If it clouds over..

- It clouds over. - He's alive.

How beautiful.

No, no, don't let go of my hand.

When you let someone go, you never see them again.

I let Alphonse Becton go, and I never saw him again.

As the Sergeant here will testify.

He's better looking, wouldn't you say, than Alphonse Becton?

- I wouldn't know, madame. - But I showed you his photo.

- The one with the bicycle. - Oh, the one with the hair-lip?

Well, that was not a hair-lip.

It was a scratch on the negative.

- What are you doing? - I want the young man's name.

- Given name and date of birth. - You think that'll stop him?

I'm not going to tell him. He's going to tell me.

I wouldn't tell you mine. Don't be silly, sergeant.

Put that book away and console him.

- Console him? - When people want to die

it's your duty to speak out in praise of life, not mine.

I assume you have some motive for interfering with his attempt

to kill himself.

If you believe that life has some value, tell him what it is.

Convince the young man that life is worth living.

- It isn't. - Silence!

What was the idea of jumping off that bridge?

The idea was to land in the river.

He doesn't seem to be at all confused about that.

- If you keep interrupting... - I'll be quiet.

- Thank you, madam. - Countess.

Countess, yes.

Now, look here young man...

Roderick. Kindly call people by their right names.

How did you know my name was Roderick?

It's obvious. Just as Alphonse Becton wasn't Alphonse.

People are named for what they are. Continue, Sergeant.

Well, first of all, you must realize

that suicide is a crime against a state.

- Why? - Why?

Well, because, eh, every time anybody commits suicide

it's a soldier less for the army and tax payer less for the...

Sergeant, what are you? A lover of life or a tax collector?

I'd defy anyone to stop dying on your account.

Ah, well, perhaps you can do better.

Certainly. This is not a difficult case at all.

In the first place, why should he still want to die

when he's just fallen in love with someone

who's just fallen in love with him?

What?

What are you saying?

Roderick, I know why you were in such a hurry to drown yourself.

No, you don't.

That prospector wanted you to commit a horrible crime.

- How did you know that? - He stole my boa

and now he wants you to kill me.

- Not exactly. - Well, they can't kill me.

Because I have no desire to die.

How fortunate.

To be alive is to be fortunate, Roderick

To be alive is to be fortunate.

Of course, when you first awake, it doesn't seem so very gay.

When you take your hair out of the door

and your teeth out of the glass

you're quite likely to feel a little out of place

in this naughty world.

Particularly, if you've been dreaming you're a little girl

on a pony looking for strawberries in the woods.

But all you need in order to feel the call of life again

is a letter in the morning mail

giving you your schedule for the day.

You write it yourself the day before.

For instance, here are my assignments for this morning.

To mend my petticoat with red thread

to curl my ostrich feathers, to write my grandmother

to save at least one young man, etc, etc, etc.

And when I washed my face with rosewater and scrubbed it

not with those idiotic cleansing creams they sell now

but with a good stiff kitchen brush.

And put on my pins, rings, brooches, pearls

bracelets and necklaces.

In short, when I'm dressed for my coffee

and have had a good look at myself

not in the glass, naturally, it lies

but in the side of the brass gong

that once belonged to Admiral Corbay.

Then, Roderick, then, I'm armed. I'm strong.

I'm ready to begin again.

Oh, my darling. My pretty darling.

After that, everything is pure delight.

First the morning paper.

Not these current sheets full of lies and vulgarities.

I always read the Gonwa.

Do you see what March 22nd, 1919

is by far the best.

It has some delightful scandals, some excellent fashion doubts

and the last minute bulletin on the death of Leonid Leblanc.

She used to live next door. Poor woman.

And when I learn of her death every morning

it gives me quite a start.

To recover from which, I take my fruit salts

not in water naturally.

For no matter what they say, it's water that gives you gas.

But with a piece of spice cake.

And then, Roderick, then

in sunlight or in rain..

...shine pours.

And it's time to dress for my morning walk.

Then and only then do I begin my rounds.

I have my cats to feed, my dogs to pet, my plants to water.

But I have a good long stride, and I generally manage.

Don't I, my friends?

Yes, the flowers have been marvelous this year

and the butcher's dog on the Rue Greuze

in spite of that wretch who tried to poison him

is friskier than ever.

That dog had better watch out. He has no license.

Perhaps he doesn't feel the need for one.

Have you any qualification for saying that, sir?

Possibly not, but I'm a vet.

So you see, Roderick. That's life.

- How does it seem to you now? - Oh, it seems marvelous.

And that's only the morning.

Wait until I tell you about you the afternoon.

Madam, would you please let go of the hand?

Certainly not. I'm holding his hand because

I shall need his arm in a few moments to take me home.

- I'm very easily frightened. - Officer, arrest this woman.

- What for? - What for?

It's against the law for a woman to detain a man on the street.

Uh-h, Countess..

Strictly between ourselves, what are you holding him for?

I'm holding him because Irma wants me to.

If I let go, it'll break her heart.

Right! I shall take your number.

Take his number. It's three one, three two

which adds up to nine, it'll bring you luck.

What's he saying, Irma?

He say's the young man's life is in danger if he goes.

I'm warning you all for the last time.

Oh, no. I saw that. That was a assault on a person unknown.

I witnessed it.

I'm afraid, sir, I'll have to remove you for your safety.

- The boy's my nephew. - Abuse will get you nowhere.

I'll have your number.

The accused used foul language and had to be restrained.

I-I happen to be a lawyer.

What did you do? Murder someone?

Well, I meant to. I was gonna blow a room full of warmongers.

Oh, no! No, he's wrong. His uncle lied to him.

It was just a trick.

If the bomb had gone off..

...it would have killed the city planner.

What an extraordinary thing. Is this possible?

Yes, very possible.

I'm beginning to understand now.

He was using me to further his own plans.

He wants to destroy the whole city.

Not with bombs but with his machines.

They're all ready to move in.

In 3 months, if he has his way

Paris will be covered by a forest of derricks and drills.

But what are they looking for? Have they lost something?

For oil, Countess.

They're convinced that Paris is sitting on a lake of oil.

Well, suppose it is. What harm does it do?

Is this reason to destroy a city?

For them, yes, Countess.

What would they do with this oil?

It gives them the power to destroy other cities, Countess.

What a wretched world they live in. So unlike ours.

I think we should forget about them.

Countess, if only you knew.

If only I knew what?

Shall we tell her?

What?

What are you hiding from me?

Nothing, Countess.

It's you who are hiding.

You see, there was a time when old clothes were as good as new.

In fact, they were better because..

...when people wore clothes, they gave something to them.

But that was a long time ago, Countess.

Just as there was a time when..

...wh-when garbage was a pleasure.

Oh, it smelled a little strange, or it seemed confused.

It was because th-there was everything there. The smell of..

...of sardines, of iodine, cologne, roses.

An amateur might lead to the wrong conclusion.

But to a professional, it was the smell of life.

It still is.

No, Countess, the world has changed.

The garbage has changed.

Nonsense.

How could it change?

The people are the same, I hope.

People are not the same, Countess.

People are different.

No one is involved with anyone anymore.

The-There's been an invasion, an infiltration.

The world isn't beautiful any longer.

The world is not happy.

Is this true?

The world is not beautiful?

The world is not happy.

Why wasn't I told?

Because you've been dreaming a long time, Countess.

And...nobody wanted to disturb you.

Countess, look, the-there was a time.

Remember when you could walk along the streets of Paris.

And everybody you met were..

...were just like yourself.

I mean, oh, little cleaner maybe

or dirtier perhaps or angry or smiling.

But you knew them.

You knew them.

I knew them too.

Then one day, 20 years ago

I saw a face in the crowd.

Face without a face.

The eyes empty. The..

The expression not even..

It-it wasn't a human face at all.

Saw me staring and when it looked back at me

with it's gelatin eyes, I shut it.

Because I knew that in order to make room for one of them

one of us must have left the Earth.

The world is full of faceless people, Countess.

And once you stop dreaming

as we all have stopped dreaming

you see them quite clearly.

They were here today.

They're closed, don't drink.

When they order you about, they don't look at you.

When they lie on you, they don't perspire.

When they applaud you, they make no sound.

When you're dumb, they blame you for not talking.

But...who are these people?

What do they do?

They do nothing, Countess.

They feel nothing, they give nothing.

They make nothing.

All they do ispimp.

Countess, the poets, the peddlers, the jugglers

the innocent, the mad are all disappearing.

The world is being taken over by the pimps.

I can remember when a..

...a-a cabbage could sell itself just by being a cabbage.

Today, that isn't enough.

Now even a cabbage has it's pimp.

Nothing is free anymore to sell itself or give itself away.

I tell you, Countess, we're finished.

Is this true, Roderick?

Yes.

Did you know about it, Irma?

I know they want to make us all the same, Countess.

You can't even touch the air anymore, they poison it.

My flowers don't last overnight.

Food goes rotten before you serve it.

Animals are born and die in darkness.

Only death makes the headlines.

They're a pack of fools

and so are you.

How can you bear to live

in a world where there is nothing but unhappiness.

Are you all cowards?

If these men are the cause of the trouble

all we have to do is to get rid of them.

Some have tried, they're too strong.

There are too many of them, Countess.

The deaf-mute knows them all.

They employed him once

because he was deaf.

And then they fired him because he wasn't blind.

They have all the power.

And they're greedy for more.

If they're greedy, they're lost.

If they're greedy, they're stupid.

If they're greedy, don't worry.

I know exactly what to do.

Roderick, all of you.

By tomorrow night, we'll be free of them.

Now then, first things first.

Uh-h...let me see.

Is there any kerosene in the kitchen?

Yes, I think so.

I'll need some in a dirty bottle with mud in it.

Oh-oh, I-I'll go.

Righ-right, next.

Go and tell Madam Josephine that I want her to be at my house

tomorrow evening at 5 o'clock.

Give Mademoiselle Gabrielle

and Madame Constance the same message.

You know how to get in to see Madam Constance?

No, Countess.

You knock twice and meow three times.

Do you know how to meow?

I'm better at barking.

Better practice meowing on the way.

My boa, please.

Oh, the one that is stolen, Countess?

Who knows, it may have turned up by now.

Things are happening.

I shall expect you all tomorrow night.

Oh, we'll be delighted, Countess.

Uh, well, what are you going to do?

One must never anticipate the past.

- Here it is, Countess. - Ah, there you're.

Thank you, my dear.

That will do splendidly.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Yes, Roderick. You shall take me home.

You still look pale.

I have some old Chartreuse at home.

I always take a glass once a year.

Last year, I forgot. You shall have it.

It will put the color back into your heart.

Alas, your feather boa still hasn't returned, Countess.

But somebody left this.

Is it real?

Well, it started out in life that way.

Then, we mustn't mock it now.

Until tomorrow, then.

Yes, Countess. Goodbye.

When we get home, Roderick

there are quite a number of things you can do for me.

There are all the things that need to be done in a room

that no man has entered for 30 years.

If it clouds...he's alive.

Will you ever say to him

what you never said to anybody else.

And will it be in this room?

This...ugly room.

Please don't let it be in this bed.

Let it be somewhere else.

Somewhere with clean white sheets

where nobody has been before.

So that when I say it to him..

...if I say it to him..

...he'll know that I never said it before.

Even though they tried to make me say it

I never broke trust with whom I waited for.

I saved that for him.

Even lying here with..

They begged me to make it easier.

Even then..

...never said it once.

I never said I love you.

I never said it.

Countess, sorry to have kept you waiting.

This, uh, liquid you say, comes from under you house?

Through the walls of my cellar. It-it seeps into everything.

It-it lubricates my cats.

- I-I'm inundated with it. - Ha ha. Incredible.

And, uh...how long have you known this?

Oh, all of my life. Is it what you think?

Uh, well, of course

I'm not qualified to give a definite opinion

but it's possible that, uh..

Well, the point I'm trying to make is

thinking of your own best interests

have you told many people of this discovery?

No, no, no. You're the first.

I didn't think it worthwhile.

Quite so.

And you certainly did the right thing in coming here to me

because...certain people..

I mean, I mention no names

but there are people in this world, alas, who...

Who might take advantage of the opposite sex.

They might, yes. That's been known.

Well, then, it is normal in these circumstances

purely for your sake, mind you, not mine

to draw up a simple little legal document

which takes all the worries off your mind

and puts them all on my shoulders.

- How kind. - It's nothing.

I'm having my secretary prepare it.

And then, we'll read it together, you sign it.

And then, everything is perfect.

While we're waiting, perhaps you could...

Show you around? With pleasure.

I'm afraid there is nothing much to see.

Even so, it would be of the greatest interest to...

By all means.

- Please. - Thank you.

Now, uh, oh, over here. What is happening over here

is the buying and selling of commodities.

Barley, sugar, coffee, minerals..

- They enjoy that, do they? - Oh, it's very interesting.

My friend, The Chairman, is one of the largest traders

in wheat futures in the world.

- Futures? - Yes.

Oh, excuse me.

That means, buying wheat in December

that will only be harvested in June.

Ar-are you telling me that he buys nonexistent wheat

hoping that it will be worth more when it exists?

Precisely. Well, you've grasped it at once.

Supposing it is not worth more?

Well, as I said, he is a very large trader.

If the price isn't high enough, he burns some.

He burns the price?

No. The wheat.

He burns the wheat.

Which means that the supplies goes down

and the price goes up.

It is his...daily bread, as it were.

Thank you.

Here we are, now if you'd just like to go back into my office.

Very simple.

A little stroke of the pen

and all your worries are over.

But I wouldn't dream of asking you to sign anything

until you've seen the oil for yourself.

Oh, I'm not signing.

Only you.

- Just here. - No.

No, I insist upon being fair to you.

You must come to my house at 11 tomorrow night.

Why at such a late hour?

Well...I think it's the type of contract

that should be concluded at night.

Don't you?

Oh, yes. Yes, perhaps so.

At 11, then.

It is fortunate.

No, no, no, fortunate is not strong enough.

It is a matter of, of supreme judgment.

That you've come to me with this problem.

I-I-I say problem, it is a problem no longer

since you've done me the honor of soliciting my advice.

One always senses when one is in the presence

of a man of destiny, General.

My dear, Countess.

We're little men serving...great causes.

Therefore, it is inevitable that some of the greatness

falls upon us.

And what cause can be greater

than the service to one's country.

There is just one thing.

In matters of this kind

where national security is concerned

I'm sure you appreciate, we must observe certain rules.

Ah, yes. The rules of war.

Well, not of war, exactly.

This is magnificent, but it isn't war, is it?

This...this is war.

Those, what are they?

These are television monitor screens.

Television is an instrument of war, is it?

No, Countess.

Television is an entertainment medium.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Who do they entertain?

What a delightful sense of humor you have, Countess.

These are atomic, destructive, defense weapons.

By which we defend the free world.

As you can see, at the moment

they're pointing towards the East.

However, since we must always be prepared.

Allies can change, you know.

At the touch of a button..

Now they can defend us from the West.

They kill people, do they?

Countess, each one of those will kill more people

than all the bombs dropped in the last war.

Of course, our intellectuals are exaggerating their effects.

We estimate that at least 25% of the population will survive.

I mean, personally, I have all the bombs.

I think we should go on using high explosives

as God intended us to.

Excuse me.

- Duty Officer. - Sir.

Which button, returns the missiles

to their original position? The red or the black?

The black one. The red one fires them.

Oh! Yes, yes. Thank you.

There.

Thank you.

Most reassuring.

My pleasure, Countess.

I shall have the oil contract

sent to your home by a special courier.

Well, I really think you've been so kind

that I must insist on returning your hospitality.

And since you take such care in these matters

I really feel that you should see the oil field

yourself before signing.

Shall we say tomorrow, at 11?

Eleven in the evening, that is.

As you wish.

It is not enough that

they have deprived us of our own right to protest.

That they have banned our newspapers and forced us to

accept their own lies.

Now they are about to attack the very ground we live on

in the name of progress.

Their progress, of course.

They intend to destroy everything in their powers

without thought for anybody or anything.

In short, they're still the enemy of the people.

Paris. Our Paris is threatened of extinction by an oil cartel.

There is oil beneath Paris, Comrades, and they want it.

And we know why they want it.

Because they cannot make war against us without it.

Tell her to stop.

In order to satisfy their greed

they'll level every house.

They'll level every school..

I'm sorry, you'll have to leave.

The Commissar doesn't want to hear anymore of your speech.

I'm sorry. Please.

Excuse me.

Comrades, you know and I know.

There is no greater betrayal

of the Marxist-Leninists philosophy

than Revisionism and Deviationism.

Our lead Comrade Secretary..

...and I know she will be our late Comrade Secretary

when you've heard the crime

against the working class spelled out.

Is a despicable example of this failure to adjust to reality.

Of this residual, resurgent, paranoid Stalinism

which time and time again threatens our party.

Comrades.

Our socialist motherland, the USSR

is in the forefront of developing the natural resources

of the Earth for the betterment of all mankind.

And I can therefore reveal to you

that the USSR is taking a major role

with those progressive scientists

who seek oil beneath the streets of Paris.

We must reject the narrow sectarian parochialism.

Our late Comrade Secretary has impoison his voice too.

Our slogans are

"Clear the slums.

"Destroy the dead monuments of the past.

"Level the citadels of superstition

"and reaction education.

Dig for oil."

Oil, for the bright

inevitable lamp

of world socialism.

Okay, you've come to the lord in a state of sin.

No!

Okay, you have talked your way out of sin.

No!

Can you think a way out of sin?

No!

Can you buy your way out of sin?

No!

Then-then, will you cleanse yourselves of sin?

Yes!

Will you reject the devil?

Yes!

Will you reject Satan?

Yes!

Will you reject Satan? Reject Satan, I say.

Yes!

Reject Satan and his Handmaidens.

Yes!

Reject hell fire and perdition.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Then...then commit yourselves here and now.

Yes! Yes!

Here and now.

Yes! Yes!

Now!

Yes!

Now.

Then...then come to me, I say.

Come to me in the name of the Lord!

My dear, Countess.

I do hope you had a good seat.

Perfect.

Yes, yes.

I-I was in a perfect position to see everything.

Good.

Countess, I've been thinking..

You didn't come here by chance tonight.

I didn't. No, that's right.

I-I didn't.

The Lord invited you.

He still works in mysterious ways.

But he is never wrong.

Should neither of us ever forget that.

He sent you here for one good reason.

To protect you.

Oh, you know that, don't you?

What am I being protected from?

You heard me out there tonight.

Callin' in all those sinners.

I can't reach 'em all.

I mean, with seven shows a..

Even with seven meetings a week.

I can only scratch a surface

because that city out there is just flustering with sin.

I've always been some what confused

as to the exact definition of sin.

Sin is disobedience to God.

And we are all sinners to the extent that we are

conceived and born in sin.

That's God's punishment to man

for defying him in the garden of Eden.

He had to send down his only son to redeem us from it.

Yes.

Forgive me, it all seems such a long time ago.

So impersonal in a way.

So...vindictive somehow.

You don't think God might be a woman, do you?

Certainly not.

No, ma'am. I can assure you, God is not a woman.

He created man in his own image.

And he forbade Adam and Eve to eat that apple.

He knew Satan would tempt them to disobey.

But he was testing man to see if man would serve him or Satan.

He wasn't sure.

Well, of course, he was sure. God can't be surprised.

Oh, how dull for him.

He knew Adam and Eve would eat of the apple.

But if he knew, why did he bother?

That seems rather frivolous.

I mean, wouldn't you agree.

It's such an awful lot of trouble to go to

just because of personal fight with Satan.

Actually, if he hadn't let them

eat the apple in the first place

he needn't have sent his son.

Well, ma'am, the fact is, he did send his son.

So now there's no longer any excuse for the obstinate sinner.

The pie at the salvation is open to every Christian.

- Oh, it's limited, is it? - I beg your pardon?

Limited, to Christians.

Well, in a sense, yes.

Wh-wha-what sort of sense is that?

It's very good sense, Countess.

I mean...there is only one true religion.

Well...who decided that?

Did God take care of that too? I mean..

I'm not, what you call, a much traveled woman

but I seem to recall

in some of the better quality pictorial magazines

that in several of the more out-of-the-way places

God hasn't made that quite clear.

But point is... we are still tryin' to

push God's message across.

Yes. Seems odd he didn't do it himself.

I mean, he arranged all the nasty bits so well.

Shall we say, tomorrow night at 11.

Yes.

And remember, it's just between you and me.

And God, of course, if you think he'd feel left out.

Madam, you have brought me

the most beautiful bottle of oil

I've ever smelt in my life. I'd love to taste it.

Yes...very interesting.

Well, come on, Dickey.

Oh, do come along.

Oh, stop barking.

Oh, there you are already.

I take it, the objects of this portentous invitation

was that we are about to be shown the longest boa

and the handsomest man in Paris.

It's not a question of my boa nor of poor Alfonse.

It's a question of the future of the human race.

Oh, you think it has a future?

Don't make silly jokes. We haven't a moment to waste.

Where's Josephine?

She isn't with us. And please, don't shout.

It isn't Wednesday, you know.

I know it isn't Wednesday.

Perhaps that's why Josephine isn't here.

If you're so confused.

Sit down, Gabrielle.

And don't help yourself to the sugar.

Oh! Wha-what is it, Dickey?

Oh! Dickey! Dickey!

Oh-ho, she wants to sit on aunt Aurelia's lap.

Yes. Yes. Alright then, darling.

Jump up then. Yeah. Don't fidget.

Constance, I love you dearly as you know and I love Dickey too.

Of course, you do.

He is a sacred memory

and I wouldn't hurt his feelings for the world.

But please don't plump him in my laps

when I'm settling the future of mankind and pouring tea.

His basket is in the corner.

He knows where it is.

And he could just go and sit in it.

You have your...Alphonse.

Gabrielle has her canaries.

I only have Dickey.

Do you think I'd be so silly about him

if it weren't by pretending that he's here all the time?

I get him to come sometimes.

Next time I won't bring him.

Now. Now.

Let's not get excited over nothing at all.

Come here, Dickey. Come here.

Come here, boy.

Where is he?

A-ah...there you are.

Now...Irma is going to take you for a nice walk.

He doesn't want to go.

Besides, I didn't bring him today, so there.

Then that is settled.

Now..

...I shall have to proceed without Josephine

if she insists upon being so tiresomely late, always.

Yesterday morning

thanks to a young man

who tried to drown himself in the Seine.

I discovered a terrible plot..

Are you listening, Gabrielle?

Of course.

Then don't make so much noise with your spoon.

I discovered that there is a group of men

who want to destroy our entire city.

- Is that all? - But I don't understand.

Why on Earth should men want to destroy Paris?

Gabrielle, where men are concerned

you have no points of reference.

It's true. I prefer not to marry.

But I hardly think that has any bearing

on our present discussion.

We are living, Gabrielle, in the age of the Golden Calf.

Do you realize that?

Men...now publicly worship the Golden Calf.

That's terrible.

Have the authorities been notified?

Has anyone talked to the bishop?

Nowadays only money talks to the bishop.

Gabrielle, I wish you to grasp the basic facts.

The world has gone out of it's mind

while you have been sitting in the park, by the peace walk.

Unless we do something about it, we are all doomed.

Have you any suggestions, Constance?

Well, in cases like this, I always write to the President.

Does he ever answer your letters?

He knows that I prefer him not to.

Well, it might excite gossip.

Aurelia, since you are asking our advice

doubtless, you have already made up your mind.

I'll tell you what I've decided.

I intend to exterminate these men.

Kill them, you mean?

Dispose off them, Constance.

But if they're killed, they are bound to be missed.

And we shall be fined.

They fine you for every little thing these days.

Do you miss a cold when its gone?

They'll never be missed.

I wish if Josephine were here.

Just one moment, Gabrielle.

Are your friends here now?

Answer, yes or no.

I'm not allowed to say.

May I ask what difference it makes to you

if our friends are in the room?

Just this.

I'm certainly not going to commit myself

in anything involving the death sentence.

In the presence of third parties.

Whether they exist or not.

That's not being very nice, to my guests called down.

I quite agree with Gabrielle.

Are you so stupid, Constance

as to think that just because we are alone here

there is nobody else in the room?

I'm shy.

I feel funny giving an opinion in front of such a crowd.

- Madam Josephine, Countess. - Ah.

Josephine, I have an ego problem for you.

- Yes. - Josephine.

Suppose you could get all the world's criminals into one room.

Yes.

And suppose you had a way of getting rid of them.

Yes.

Would you have the right to do it?

Well, why not?

Is that...is there any tea left?

But Josephine, so many people..

The more there are, the more legal it is.

Is-is this Earl Grey?

- It used to be. - I knew him well, you know.

I think your idea is very practical, Aurelia.

I can't imagine why you never thought of it before.

Well, if you think it's right..

Yes, by all means.

The criminals have had a fair trial, I take it.

- Trial? - Why, certainly.

You can't possibly kill anybody without giving them a trial.

That's elementary.

Now, before the deluge, you will recall

the Lord permitted Noah

to speak in defense of his fellow mortals.

They evidently had a stutter and you know the result.

Now, on the other hand, Captain Drafus

was not only innocent, he was defended

by a marvelous advocate

and the result was precisely the same.

So, you see, having a trial, you run no risk what so ever.

That's all very well, but I can't have a trial

without arousing their suspicion.

Oh, there's a way around that. You can summon the defendants

by calling them three times. Mentally, if you wish.

If they don't appear, the court can designate

an attorney to represent them.

This attorney can then argue their case in absentia.

And the judgment can be rendered in contumacious.

But I don't know any lawyers.

And I've asked them to be here at 11.

Quite simple.

In case of emergency, it's permissible for the Court

to order the first passer-by

to act for the defense.

See, defense is like baptism.

Absolute indispensable.

But you don't have to know anything to do it.

You could just get anyone.

- Irma. - Coming, Countess.

We couldn't have it here, could we?

Well, we could. It might get a little chilly.

- Yes, Countess. - Ah! There you are, child.

Have any of my friends arrived?

Oh yes, Countess. There's quite a collection outside.

Ask them all in, have them shown downstairs.

I shall receive them there.

We should have quite a few to choose from.

Come with me. Come this way.

This way.

Do you.. Do you think perhaps-perhaps the Deaf Mute

might fit the bill?

Listen, I can't get up and file.

It might be pushed to the wrong appeal.

But what about the Ragpicker then?

Is it right that so many millionaires

should be represented by a Ragpicker?

It's very suitable.

All criminals are represented by their opposites.

A murderer by somebody who obviously wouldn't harm a fly.

A rapist by the member of the Lord's observant society.

Experience shows that it's the only way to get an acquittal.

But we mustn't have an acquittal.

That would mean the end of the world.

- Justice is justice, my dear. - Oh, dear.

Come in, come in.

We're rather pressed for time.

Just make-make yourselves comfortable where you can.

Ragpicker, dear.

Greetings, ladies. Countess.

We are about to summon before the Bar of Justice

all the wicked people of the world.

And-and you have been appointed attorney for the defense.

Oh, I'm very flattered I'm sure.

Do I know the defendants?

Those terrible men at the cafe.

Yes. What do we do now?

Are you sure you know the defendants well enough

to undertake the case?

Oh, absolutely. I know them to the bottom of their souls.

I go through their garbage every day.

Oh-oh, what do you find there?

- Mostly flowers. - Oh.

Is he trying to prejudice the case?

Oh, no. No, Countess, not at all.

I-I wonder, could I make a suggestion?

Instead of speaking as attorney

why don't I speak directly as defendant?

That way, I'll get more into it.

Excellent idea.

If-if one is guilty, so are the others.

It's the principle of guilt by association.

Yes.

Yes, very well. We'll grant you that motion.

'You shall have a fair hearing

which is more than they gave to dear President Wilson.

What's he got to do with it?

Well, if you don't know, I'm not prepared to enlighten you.

Madam.

Oh. Merci.

Is...everybody ready?

Gabrielle, can't you remember where you are

and conduct yourself accordingly?

Just a minute. How rich am I?

- Millions. - Billions.

But whatever the amount, it's far too much.

And how did I get them?

By murder, theft, embezzlement, what?

Everything.

Why bother to answer such stupid questions?

- Most likely. - Most likely.

Do I have a wife or a mistress, perhaps.

Everything.

It's rather excessive to have both.

Right. Right.

I'm ready.

The court is now in session.

Shouldn't he take the oath?

Aurelia, if you interrupt me once more

you're going to find yourself without a judge.

Take the oath.

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth.

But he is not a witness. He is a lawyer.

She is right, you know.

Alright, alright.

I swear to lie, conceal, distort everything

and slander everybody. So, help me, God.

I shall have the court cleared, if I don't have silence.

It's my court and you can't clear it without my permission.

Aurelia, if one knows

from which side one's bread is buttered

one does not argue with the judge.

- Well, it's my house, then. - Well, continue.

Well, get on with it.

May it please this honorable august and elegant court.

Well, we don't want any of that.

I'm too old to be flattered from the dock.

It sets my teeth on edge.

In fact, I shall rule

that your defense is not worth hearing.

Aurelia, proceed with the cross examination.

- Is that right? - Who cares whether it's right?

It's what I've ruled.

Sir, do you know with what you are charged?

I can't, for the life of me, imagine.

My ways are known to all. My life is an open book.

I am a pillar of the church

and support all organized charities

that are tax deductible.

I give to all the newest and most fashionable diseases.

I have seldom listened to almost sickening display of hypocrisy.

One should never carry sincerity

beyond the bounds of possibility.

And don't ask him, tell him.

Sir, you are charged

with a total lack of feeling for others

disgusting grossness

the abuse of power and the worship of money.

Worshipping money? Me?

That's what she said.

Do you feel guilty or not guilty, young man?

- But Your Honor... - Yes or no?

- Get it out of him. - Yes or no?

No. No, of course, no.

I don't worship money.

It's the other way around. Money worships me.

It simply adores me, it won't let me alone.

Then, tell the court how you came by your money?

Certainly. I'll be delighted.

At the first time money came to me

I was a mere boy.

A little golden haired child, untouched, untainted

with that, peculiar innocence of the very young.

It came to me quite suddenly

in the guise of a bar of gold bullion

which in my innocence

I picked out of the garbage can one day while playing.

Well, I was horrified as you can imagine.

I immediately tried swapping it for a little

rundown one-track railroad

which to my childish amazement

immediately sold itself for a 100 times its value.

Well, I made desperate efforts after that

wanting to get rid of this unasked-for wealth.

I began to buy other things.

I bought 10 refineries

half-a-dozen department stores.

Every munition's factory that I could lay my hands on.

And the rest is history.

They stuck to me

they multiplied, they engulfed me

with the mud of their profit.

And now, I'm powerless.

Everyone knows that the poor have no one but themselves

to blame for their poverty.

It's only just, that they suffer the consequences.

But how is it the fault of the rich

if they're rich?

It's a horrible fate.

But I am resigned to it.

I don't ask for your sympathy.

I don't ask for your pity.

All I ask is for a little human understanding.

Oh, come on, now. We don't want any of that.

Tears won't wash here.

If you're so ashamed of your money

why do you hold on to it with such a death grip?

- Me? - Yes, you.

You think you should have it for nothing.

You treat us like dirt.

You never give without taking first?

You never part with a franc.

That I should have to endure such slander.

- Such injustice. - No, liar.

No, injustice. I repeat. Injustice.

It is a matter of fact faithfully reported

in all the newspapers I own

that I spend all my waking hours

trying to rid myself of my money.

I spend in order that you may live.

Stop!

I demand to be heard.

If I have tanned shoes, I buy black ones.

Now, who benefits?

If I have a Fiat, I buy a Mercedes.

Who benefits?

- Order and silence. - No, hear me out.

If I have a wife, I pay alimony.

I send a private plane to Java to collect flowers

for my mother's funeral.

I built hospitals for the children

who eat the food my farms grow.

I endow whole universities

to experiment on animals in order that

the old shall grow young.

Now, who can deny these things?

Not you, nor you, nor you.

But no matter what I do, I cannot rid myself of my money.

If I play a 100-to-1 shot

the horse comes in by 20 lengths.

If I throw a diamond into the sand

it comes back in the trout they serve me for lunch.

10 trout, 10 diamonds.

Now...do you suppose

I can get rid of 40 million francs

by giving shoes to deaf mutes?

Of course not. I entirely agree.

- Thank you, madam. - Mademoiselle.

Mademoiselle, forgive me.

At last, at last there is somebody who understands me.

Somebody who is not only beautiful

but extraordinarily sensitive and intelligent.

- I object. - Overruled.

I shall be delighted to send you flowers.

Directly I'm acquitted. What sort do you prefer?

Pe-petunias.

You shall have a baleful every morning

for the next five years.

This...enchanting

perceptive woman understands, ladies and gentlemen.

She knows that I cannot help myself.

That money sticks to me like glue.

Am I not right, fairest lady?

Right.

I thank you.

And again, I thank you.

Now...if one of you buys a stock

it sinks like a stone.

But if I buy, it soars like an eagle.

Not 10 points at a time, but 1000.

and it goes to 20,000 overnight.

That's how I bought my 12 chateaus

my 20 villas

my 234 farms.

That's how I endow the opera

and keep my 14 ballerinas.

I hope they deceive you every hour of the day.

How can they deceive me?

Suppose they try

with a male chorus, the assistant electrician

the third violinist. What does it matter?

I own them all.

I have all women

or can have them which comes to the same thing.

Don't listen to this bit, Gabrielle.

So...you think there are no women with morals.

Only the rich can afford morals.

For me, I mix morals with sable.

A delicious combination.

I drip pearls into protest. I adorn resistance with rubies.

My touch is Gee-Von-Shee

my smile, a Ferrari.

Now what women..

What women can deny me?

- You see where money leads. - Of course.

Without money, nobody likes you

nobody trusts you, nobody believes you.

Because to have money is to be

virtuous, honest, beautiful and witty.

And to be without it is to be ugly, and boring

and stupid and useless.

One last question.

Suppose you find this oil you're looking for..

...what will you do with it?

I'll makewar!

I'lldestroywhat remains of the world!

You've heard the defense, such as it is.

I demand a verdict of guilty.

What do you mean, "guilty?" I am never guilty.

I order you to be quiet.

I'm never quiet.

- Quiet, in the name of the law. - I am the law.

My money elects the men who make the law.

When they speak, I speak.

And when I present my backside

it is etiquette to smile and apply the lips respectfully.

Now, it is more than etiquette.

It is a cherish national privilege

guaranteed by the constitution.

And anyone who thinks otherwise is a communist.

That is contempt of court. The trial is over.

And the verdict?

Guilty!

- Guilty. - Guilty.

Guilty.

Guilty as charged.

And I have full authority to carry out the sentence?

Yes, Countess.

I can do what I like with him?

Yes! Yes!

- With all of them? - All of them.

- I can exterminate them? - Yes.

- Absolutely. - Court adjourned.

Congratulations, Ragpicker. A marvelous defense.

Absolutely impartial.

Thank you. Thank you.

You did very well, Ragpicker. Extemporary.

Your style is reminiscent of Pre Monsieur.

You have a great future. Goodbye, Aurelia.

Justice may be justice, but it's also exhausting.

Dickey.

Oh, how on earth did you find your way here alone?

And without the caller too. No, no. Mind, darling, mind.

Mind. There. Oh, you gettin' trampled on.

That's better.

Come along, Gabrielle.

I'll walk you home along the river.

Yes, I feel quite disturbed.

Goodbye, Aurelia.

She isn't listening. Never mind.

- May I be permitted.. - Of course, yes.

Be careful. All the talk of ballerinas..

I shall be quite safe. I have Dickey, don't forget.

He-he doesn't bite, I hope.

He doesn't know how they bite.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you all.

Irma.

I think I'll take a little nap in the fresh air.

Oh, I should, Countess. I can look out for them.

It was a nice trial, wasn't it?

Oh, it was beautiful, Countess.

You see, Irma, I didn't have to be merciful.

But after all, I did want to be just.

Oh, you were, Countess. Yes, you were.

Now, I'll just lie down and close my eyes for a moment.

Yes.

But don't you worry, Countess.

I'll call you when they arrive.

Thank you.

Is it you, Alphonse Berto?

- No, it's I, Roderick. - No, no.

Do not lie to me, Alphonse.

Say that it's you. Say it.

Yes. It is I.

You've come to continue the feast of love.

Why so long, Alphonse?

Why did you leave it so long?

It was only for a little while.

- Was she so very lovely? - Who?

She, who took you from me.

No.

She-she was no lovelier than you.

Then why Alphonse Berto, why?

Was she young?

We were...all young.

Women love but once, Alphonse Berto.

But once is not enough for men.

Perhaps we only think it's not enough.

You took my happiness to make you happier.

Was she poor?

You pitied her, was that it?

Yes, she was poor, but I didn't pity her.

Did you give her the same flowers?

Buy her the same chocolates?

Send her the same valentine's?

She-she asked nothing of me.

Nothing except me.

No, not even that.

Then why, Alphonse Berto, why?

Did you grow old with her?

Yes.

I grew old...suddenly.

So, that is why you only come now

when my eyes are closed?

Well, you're quite safe.

My memories of you are as firm as your hand in mine.

Holding it like this

we're once again... stepping out lightly.

That night, they sang Denise at the opera.

It was late, remember?

Yes.

I have never set foot in that street again.

I go the other way around.

It's not easy in the winter when there is ice.

One is quite apt to slip.

- Forgive me. - No.

No, don't ask me that.

For to forgive you is to forget you.

- Then, what can I do? Tell me. - Nothing.

Only let me hear sometimes

far away the distant echo of your love.

I promise you.

And now...farewell, Alphonse Berto, farewell.

Let go my hand and give it to Roderick.

Roderick...it's you.

- Has he gone? - Um...yes, Countess.

He always did make a quick exit, that one.

Good heavens.

Oh, where did you find it?

In the wardrobe when I took off the mirror.

Oh, excuse me, Countess.

They've arrived.

Good. Good.

You stay here, both of you.

I'll...call you when I need you.

How kind of you all to arrive so promptly.

Charmed.

Well, we wanted to congratulate you, Countess

offering us all our exclusive contracts

in order to get us to compete.

That sure is considerable business plan.

Yes. Well, I'm glad that you're not angry.

Please. Come this way.

I was hesitant to reveal that you were all prepared

to double-cross each other.

Oh, not at all.

Such a demonstration of initiative and enterprising

in front of my colleagues

only confirms my good judgment in choosing them.

Yes, Countess.

If we're this devious separately

think how overwhelming we should be collectively.

This way, gentlemen.

Be careful of the steps.

Straight down.

Steady. Steady. Don't pull.

There'll be plenty for everybody.

There are no turns.

Ah...Roderick.

Could you do me a small favor?

I wonder if you'd be so kind as to close and lock that door.

Yes, of course.

I'll keep the key.

Say it.

Say that you love him before it's too late.

Let another moment wedge between you two

and it will become a month, a year, a decade.

Your hair will be white.

His cuffs will be frayed.

And there will be another man, woman and child.

Say it before the music stops.

Thank you.

I think that I shall take a little walk.

We'll walk with you.

No. Don't you bother. You stay and enjoy the music.

It's an old song..

...that you might remember one day.

Stay and fall in love.

But Countess. It's your paper.

Yes, Ragpicker.

I think it's time I moved on to another year.